My wife broke our rule at a club

[candj5 15]

While at a swing club with play rooms you find out your wife slipped into a room with another guy without any suggetion she was interested in him. Plus earlier we agreed not to play with that couple and we never play in seperate rooms! Should I have just let them finish what they started or break it up! What would u do?

[JandT_Elkhart 76]

Oh, I'd break it up so fast her head would spin. And I would HOPE she'd do the same if I did something so downright stupid.

 

This is a no-brainer.

[Alura 2,773]

Welcome from Oklahoma, CandJ5! Please stop by our Introductions Forum and tell us more about y'all.

 

I wouldn't interrupt. We're not clubbers, but I think making a scene at a club would be a bad choice.

 

I'd probably just find the cutest lady who would have me, spend more time with her than Mrs. Alura spent with the other guy, and save the discussion for our own bedroom later, during which I'd sure as hell find out what was going through her mind at the time!

 

Y'all definitely need to have a long talk about rules if you want to continue to go to clubs.

 

Mr. Alura

[lovinher 505]

That would be the end of our swinging days!

[mrs good times 73]

I can't image this happening to us but to answer your question, I would walk in to the room and with a smile on my face tell my husband that it was time to go home and then walk out, wait at the bar until he joined me. Once in the privacy of our home the discussions would begin.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

I can't image this happening to us but to answer your question, I would walk in to the room and with a smile on my face tell my husband that it was time to go home and then walk out, wait at the bar until he joined me. Once in the privacy of our home the discussions would begin.

I agree with Mrs good times.

 

There is no point in making a scene in front of others. It will only make you look foolish and less desirble to people in that playroom that you may wish to get to know better in the future.

 

As Alura said, you do need to have a long talk - at home - about your rules. Don't focus on blaming each other for why things turned out the way they did, rather, focus on how it happened, and how it can be avoided in the future.

 

Good luck!

 

LM

[EvilMJ 65]

I can only echo the other women. It is best to save the conversations or arguments for outside the club, no need to make any scenes.

 

It is best to go in with your rules in mind, if someone breaks them then you need to revevaluate what is going on and if you wish to continue with it. I have seen the best of people get caught up in a moment and do something they normally would not have done. Sometimes they just need that reality check to remind them that they are not single and what ever they do they have to do in a couples mentality.

[LeggzDiamond 48]

Extramarital play is an emotional thing. I'd let it happen with her and find out how/what's changed later. She'd probably bring it up, anyway. Remember, this is for fun.

[JTcamp05 9]

Give me a break!!!!.....So you as an adult married couple went to a swing club....and your wife as an adult wanted to have some fun....I would of course think thats the point of attending. Guess thats what she had in mind anyway.

 

Ohhh thats right she didn't follow "your" rules .... I would think that is a problem just for you and your wife to resolve....in private. Doesn't sound as if anyone else there did anything the least bit wrong, now why on earth would you consider causing a problem and screwing up everyone elses good time, becaume YOU have a problem with YOUR wife.

[ShellyM 0]

While at a swing club with play rooms you find out your wife slipped into a room with another guy without any suggetion she was interested in him. Plus earlier we agreed not to play with that couple and we never play in seperate rooms! Should I have just let them finish what they started or break it up! What would u do?

 

In all honesty, and this is jmo, i'd be so pissed off I would break up alot of stuff lol...most definately the sex would cease.

[ShellyM 0]

Give me a break!!!!.....So you as an adult married couple went to a swing club....and your wife as an adult wanted to have some fun....I would of course think thats the point of attending. Guess thats what she had in mind anyway.

 

Ohhh thats right she didn't follow "your" rules .... I would think that is a problem just for you and your wife to resolve....in private. Doesn't sound as if anyone else there did anything the least bit wrong, now why on earth would you consider causing a problem and screwing up everyone elses good time, becaume YOU have a problem with YOUR wife.

 

See, I don't agree. If they had pre-set rules that they had agreed on, and she just takes off with another guy, I would be PISSED OFF. Not jealous, because its not about having sex with another person, thats what swingers do. But about total disregard for respect and boundaries.

[MoonLightKiss 28]

Give me a break!!!!.....So you as an adult married couple went to a swing club....and your wife as an adult wanted to have some fun....I would of course think thats the point of attending. Guess thats what she had in mind anyway.

 

Ohhh thats right she didn't follow "your" rules .... I would think that is a problem just for you and your wife to resolve....in private. Doesn't sound as if anyone else there did anything the least bit wrong, now why on earth would you consider causing a problem and screwing up everyone elses good time, becaume YOU have a problem with YOUR wife.

 

I believe the OP was asking what should they do when a rule set down before going was broken. The rule broken I believe was that she played in a separate room when they had agreed to playing in the same room, and that she played with a couple they had decided not to play with. If I am wrong in the understanding of the OP or your post JT I apologize.

 

I don't think its about HIM having a problem with HER because she did not follow HIS rules. I think its about together THEY set the rules and then THEY were broken. Each couple has their own rules concerning same/different room, who to play with, but alot of it comes down to respect. And again, if I misunderstood someone here I apologize.

 

With the understanding I have of the OP, I would agree with Mrs. GT as well. Causing a scene in a club will simply make you and your wife look foolish. Best to simply say time to go, go home and sit down and discuss it reasonably. Many couples over the years of swinging alter their rules to accomodate their evolving and experience in this lifestyle. So discussing the why it was done is just as important as discussing what was done. Good luck to you two.

[JTcamp05 9]

Shelly,

 

 

You can be "pissed off" sure! But your an adult...you just need to be "pissed off" at the right person. Out at a party is no time to define rules that should be done in advance....and this problem is not gonna be fixed in the heat of things it is for sure a "morning after" talk when everyone has a clear picture!

[lovinher 505]

Making a scene would be a mistake. But as mentioned I would have to say it was time to go. Until this issue was resolved completley there would be no swinging in our house. THEY had rules. This was not a slip during passion, but a deliberate act. "slipping away" is deceit. Even those that have no rules should be able to see that. For those of us that have this rule and follow it no matter what, playing together is huge. How is that any different than fucking the UPS guy when he is at work? Because he was there? It would be hard to trust again after such a deliberate act. Maybe we don't have all the facts here but it was cheating plain and simple.

I wonder what the some of the responses would be if a guy did the same thing. He would be ripped, tied and spanked in this thread. Something to think about.... or maybe another thread.

[She_n_Jaybee 15]

Shelly,

 

 

You can be "pissed off" sure! But your an adult...you just need to be "pissed off" at the right person. Out at a party is no time to define rules that should be done in advance....and this problem is not gonna be fixed in the heat of things it is for sure a "morning after" talk when everyone has a clear picture!

 

There are many decaffienated brands that are just as full-flavored as the regular stuff.

 

I've been through this twice, both times with "dates", and not while committed to anyone. The first one had gotten the wrong idea. We didn't do much together while at the club. Walked around, met a few people. She would give me head and I'd play a bit with her, she was a friend of a friend. One week she went off for a bit with a sadist she'd met (right up her alley), didn't bother me. Next week, I went off with the date of the sadist, plus him, plus another couple. I was invited, she wasn't. When I came out, she had left me there. But had arranged for a friend to bring me back to where I was staying.

 

Second time, different date and club. We had sat in a room, playing a bit, when another woman came up and asked if they could join. We agreed, I went to get our drinks. When I came back, the club security guard had gone in with the other three, closed and locked the door (my date was the best looking woman in the place, by far). I was annoyed, but found a group to hang with and had some fun.

 

Now is different. To me, a committment requires mutual respect. At the very least, I would want She to tell me where she was going. Since we never play alone at a club, or seperate it would be a deliberate insult to just go off with someone else without telling me.

 

Do you have anything that you treasure JTCamp? What if you came home and found your wife had sold it, or painted it pink, or thrown it in the dumpster? You would be okay with that, because it was just a case of you trying to enforce on someone else your rules.

 

One of the things many of us treasure in our relationships is the communication. I know if She threw our communication away (or if I did the same) or relationship would at the very least be seriously strained.

[EvilMJ 65]

Give me a break!!!!.....So you as an adult married couple went to a swing club....and your wife as an adult wanted to have some fun....I would of course think thats the point of attending. Guess thats what she had in mind anyway.

 

Ohhh thats right she didn't follow "your" rules .... I would think that is a problem just for you and your wife to resolve....in private. Doesn't sound as if anyone else there did anything the least bit wrong, now why on earth would you consider causing a problem and screwing up everyone elses good time, becaume YOU have a problem with YOUR wife.

 

I have to agree with the others that the problem here is not him being selfish and controlling. They had agreed in the beginning that they would not play separately. For her to slip off on him and go play with someone without discussing it with him first is decitful and disrespectful.

 

What is the point of making a rule if you are just going to break it the first available chance you get. Oh well it's a party and we are here for sex so anything goes right? I don't think so. How many times has it been posted here that successful swingers have an important foundation of trust, respect and communication. That one act chucked all those out the door.

 

When we first went to a house party we had an incident somewhat similar to this. While I was in the room, he started to play with a woman but didn't confir with me first. I didn't really like this woman and would rather we had nothing to do with her. I didn't cause a scene but he got a look, one that he could not mistake for me being less than happy. He made some excuse to her and we went to a quiet corner and had a talk. He got caught up in a moment, had too much to drink, and when he thought about it realized that it was a poor decision on his part and apololgized, the rest of the evening was great and it has never happened again. Even then as a new swinger, I realized that causing a scene would have done nothing but embarass the poor woman (wasn't her fault), embarass the host and probably keep us from being invited from any other party.

[PEARL69 15]

i would break it up faster then she could say the words breake it up

[sexcupid 809]

I'm in the boat with the rest. I would seriously be pissed off. Particuarly since it seems this couple/person was deemed off limits beforehand.

 

I wouldn't exactly barge in and make a scene (no matter how tempting...*lol*), but I would pop in to make the "It's time to go...now." Announcement. Probably in a snippy tone, knowing me.

 

It's definitely a trust issue. You trust that both of you will, for lack of a better phrase, "abide by the rules." One of you stomps all over said guidelines, well...that'll obviously take sometime to repair.

[JTcamp05 9]

Guess its just me I've never been one to tell my wife what to do, she can make her own decisions, of course she gives me the same respect. We communicate and agree, most of the time!! I really don't think I could be involved in a swinging relationship any other way. In the moment is not the time or place. You should have discussed your feelings before hand and if your not still upset by your partners actions, guess you have alot of talking to do.

 

 

It feels like more of a control issue to me, how can I make my partner do what I want, wihout realizing they are doing what they want.

[Lawguy 15]

Guess its just me I've never been one to tell my wife what to do, she can make her own decisions, of course she gives me the same respect. We communicate and agree, most of the time!! I really don't think I could be involved in a swinging relationship any other way. In the moment is not the time or place. You should have discussed your feelings before hand and if your not still upset by your partners actions, guess you have alot of talking to do.

 

 

It feels like more of a control issue to me, how can I make my partner do what I want, wihout realizing they are doing what they want.

 

JTcamp05, I really do think that it is largely just you. I mean, no, we don't tell our wives what to do, but holy crap, standing at the alter and saying "I do" does give you a right to say "I am not comfortable with you f--king so and so without letting me know first." If that's hard to fathom, then so be it. I'm not intending to flame you here, but swinging is not a singles-only club (if it were, your earlier comments would be perfectly logical), but it's largely made up of couples who have made commitments to each other and, to one degree or another, CAN tell each other what to do and CAN control them to a small extent. Having "control" over another person may seem like an unjust thing to some, but to many others it is reflective of both spouses' sacred commitment to each other. My wife has "control" over me. No, I'm not panty-whipped, but I just respect her enough that if she says "I don't want us playing except under these rules" then I will play under her rules. Because we love each other, she does the same, and no one feels put out or controlled. Just my humble opinion.

 

Lawguy

[JTcamp05 9]

Ok Lawman

 

 

 

I get your point..... I might have went a bit over to make a point..

 

 

But I still think the time and place to talk about the situation is the next day. I also think if you are one who will cause a scene or barge in and remove your spouse phycisally, you have no business attending an event like this!

[ShellyM 0]

Shelly,

 

 

You can be "pissed off" sure! But your an adult...you just need to be "pissed off" at the right person. Out at a party is no time to define rules that should be done in advance....and this problem is not gonna be fixed in the heat of things it is for sure a "morning after" talk when everyone has a clear picture!

 

True, when I'm sober....but if I'm drinking I'm not promising anything lol. But I can see your point.

[ShellyM 0]

JTcamp05, I really do think that it is largely just you. I mean, no, we don't tell our wives what to do, but holy crap, standing at the alter and saying "I do" does give you a right to say "I am not comfortable with you f--king so and so without letting me know first." If that's hard to fathom, then so be it. I'm not intending to flame you here, but swinging is not a singles-only club (if it were, your earlier comments would be perfectly logical), but it's largely made up of couples who have made commitments to each other and, to one degree or another, CAN tell each other what to do and CAN control them to a small extent. Having "control" over another person may seem like an unjust thing to some, but to many others it is reflective of both spouses' sacred commitment to each other. My wife has "control" over me. No, I'm not panty-whipped, but I just respect her enough that if she says "I don't want us playing except under these rules" then I will play under her rules. Because we love each other, she does the same, and no one feels put out or controlled. Just my humble opinion.

 

Lawguy

 

I don't think its "control" as much as it is respect. I respect my husband, and his views weigh heavily on the decisions I make, and vice versa. Now, I agree...we are ALL entitled to our opinions, so I'm not knocking anyone. Now, if you are in an open marriage that is one thing, you do your own thing. But when you are in a swing relationship you are doing this together. I can understand that I am a grown woman, entitled to my own opinions. But I have respect for my husband, and if he is not in agreeance with something I owe it to him to respect him. Thats all I'm saying.

[maydecember26 15]

When we first decided to swing we set our rules but before our first party we sat down and talked alot.Our rules include only same room and we play together but we decided together that when we go to a party we let our hair down so to speak.We can play seperatly and in different rooms.When we meet people on the internet we both have a chance to get to know them and see if we click but at a party you don't have that and both of us may not always click with the others so this is our way of dealing with that issue.And to answer the question I would not interupt or be pissed off.I would just be glad that she found someone she wanted that much.

[mincup 15]

I know this is kinda shallow but that would turn me on. I would love the thought of her being spontaneous like that. That's me though.

[MarcusAndErin 15]

I think the idea of spontaneity is good, like mincup said, but I'm not sure I'd follow that example. Me and my girl always have a good time when out to clubs and we are both very easy going people. If she did something spontaneous I'd deffinately be turned on and excited about what might happen. However, her and I, make eye contact like crazy and communicate with eachother verbally, non verbally etc until the moon goes down.

 

Having said that, like many others have already said. If she did something that may appear spont. but was indeed something we both agreed was a big "no-no" whether it be a rule WE created or a couple WE did not want to be part of... Then I'd be upset. Quite upset. I also agree, making a scene is not the right course of action and I also agree that immediate discussion after the act is absolutely necessary.

 

This entire lifestyle is built on several very important principles, one of which is communication. I'm a whole hearted believer that the swinging lifestyle is something some people are born to do, and do well. For others however, it really may not be for you. If you can't trust, communicate, think rationally or compose yourself in a mature manor then I'd have to scratch my head as to why you'd swing in the first place.

 

To the original poster. I wish you the very best in whatever resolutions you and your partner come to. I'm reasonably certain almost everyone on this board agrees though that there needs to be some serious chat between you two.

 

Good luck

[Spoomonkey 421]

Guess its just me I've never been one to tell my wife what to do, she can make her own decisions, of course she gives me the same respect.

 

The issue of respect is a big one here.

 

If Mrs Spoo did something like this - knowing how it would upset me - she is respecting neither me, our relationship or the guy she is playing with who is getting ready to witness a fairly ugly scene.

 

Sure, when we go to the club, we are both expecting to play - but we are both expecting to play within our rules; within the boundaries that we have both agreed beforehand to play within - which are based on respect for each other.

 

I will say this - my marriage is far more important to me than my sense of propriety. If Mrs Spoomonkey crossed such a line, it would be more important to me to deal with it than it would be to worry about ruining the peace at the club we are in. Call me crazy, but I want to get out of swinging with my marriage intact - far more than I care about ruining someone else's good time.

 

I would have stepped into the room - stopped things right where they were - and played whatever hand such actions dealt me. My actions would not have been gracious, pretty, perfect or peaceful - but they would have been decisive and to the point. I'd beat around few bushes in that situation, I can unapologetically promise you that

 

And if some fellow left there with his feelings (or whatever else) bruised, then so be it.

 

Some things are more important than being diplomatic.

 

Spoomonkey

[2jersey 16]

Oh, I'd break it up so fast her head would spin. And I would HOPE she'd do the same if I did something so downright stupid.

 

This is a no-brainer.

 

Yes, a complete no-brainer. Break it up!

[Amanda69 24]

As Mrs. Good times stated

I would walk in to the room and with a smile on my face tell my husband that it was time to go home and then walk out, wait at the bar until he joined me. Once in the privacy of our home the discussions would begin.

 

Absolutely....and what a discussion that would be. It has only happened to me once and I did exactly that. To say the least I am not with that partner anymore.

 

JTcamp said Give me a break!!!!.....So you as an adult married couple went to a swing club....and your wife as an adult wanted to have some fun....I would of course think thats the point of attending. Guess thats what she had in mind anyway. Ohhh thats right she didn't follow "your" rules

 

We all attend swing clubs to have fun but within the boundaries agreed upon as a couple. The marriage relationship is supposed to be number one. A person who breaks their word at a swing club or elsewhere is showing disrespect for their partner and potentially damaging their trust with their partner. The rules were THEIRS.

 

I would also hate to have been the other person involved in this situation. This is why we make sure we meet both parties and I hear from the partner that it is okay to go off separately with their mate. Tends to avoid someone popping in to say it is time to go in the middle of things.

[JTcamp05 9]

I'm sure most people would never find themselves in the situation. Hopefully everyone is respectful and this doesn't arise. But it is good to know how you would react if it does!

[wetpanties 5]

The Question was "What would you do?" Simply put - I would have gone home! ALONE!

[m8seekr 15]

There's a lot of background that we don't know here. But feelings and rules are not always compatible. Maybe she agreed to behave a certain way without really confronting her true feelings. Maybe she finds herself turned on by stretching her personal boundaries withoiut regard to rules. I would say that the first "rule" for both people would be that each should do what is best for them and agree to accept that from the other and share it later, and not worry about being dissed by their partner. This would give each person room to be themselves without preset barriers, and maybe allow the husband in this case to have been able to move on to something positive for himself within his own personal boundaries, instead of the negative desire to control another person's boundaries.

[MoonLightKiss 28]

There's a lot of background that we don't know here. But feelings and rules are not always compatible. Maybe she agreed to behave a certain way without really confronting her true feelings.

 

I believe that if this was the case, they should not have been at the club to begin with. Anyone can claim to be in this lifestyle, and live it as they see fit, but it is my observation that those couples who are SUCCESSFUL in this lifestyle communicate, communicate, communicate. This includes their true feelings, AND their boundaries.

 

 

Maybe she finds herself turned on by stretching her personal boundaries withoiut regard to rules. I would say that the first "rule" for both people would be that each should do what is best for them and agree to accept that from the other and share it later, and not worry about being dissed by their partner. This would give each person room to be themselves without preset barriers, and maybe allow the husband in this case to have been able to move on to something positive for himself within his own personal boundaries, instead of the negative desire to control another person's boundaries.

 

With all due respect, I disagree. We do not do what is best for the individual, but we do what is best for US as a couple. We also realize that without preset barriers, we leave an open field for one of us to hurt the other. Its not about control, but respect. If my husband is uncomfortable with something I am doing, I don't do it. Not because he controls me but because I love and respect him and do not wish to hurt his feelings. If I went ahead and did what I wanted, then basically I am telling him he does not matter nor do his feelings. If thats the case, then how can I claim to love him?

 

Some couples can play without boundaries, and that is great for them, but some couples must have boundaries and rules. Some have only one rule and that is respect for the other. Whatever the rules are, as a couple they must be decided on, and upheld. It makes for less drama later. We don't play with couples who have one set of rules for one half and another set for the other half. I can see the drama now if we ever did.

[CuriousInOregon 16]

I would not have "stopped" them but let them finish up their fun with my partner knowing I WAS THERE and when that was over we would be going home to have a LONG talk. I guess Im just happy that I have never had to deal with this, we are not clubbers have never been as of yet though he is interested in at least looking. SO if that were to happen now he knows what would happen and TRUST that talk after words would not be "gee honey did she blow your mind like you hoped" hahahhahha

[m8seekr 15]

I believe that if this was the case, they should not have been at the club to begin with. Anyone can claim to be in this lifestyle, and live it as they see fit, but it is my observation that those couples who are SUCCESSFUL in this lifestyle communicate, communicate, communicate. This includes their true feelings, AND their boundaries.

 

Oh, I agree that her actions are a breach of trust, but to me that might be as much because the trust was not complete as it was because she got carried away. I keep trying to think of why a man would want to tell a woman which guy she could enjoy being with and which she could not be with? A tatoo he did not like? A large physique? A fear she might like it too much?

 

 

With all due respect, I disagree. We do not do what is best for the individual, but we do what is best for US as a couple. We also realize that without preset barriers, we leave an open field for one of us to hurt the other. Its not about control, but respect. If my husband is uncomfortable with something I am doing, I don't do it. Not because he controls me but because I love and respect him and do not wish to hurt his feelings. If I went ahead and did what I wanted, then basically I am telling him he does not matter nor do his feelings. If thats the case, then how can I claim to love him?

 

Some couples can play without boundaries, and that is great for them, but some couples must have boundaries and rules. Some have only one rule and that is respect for the other. Whatever the rules are, as a couple they must be decided on, and upheld. It makes for less drama later. We don't play with couples who have one set of rules for one half and another set for the other half. I can see the drama now if we ever did.

 

Basically, we agree more than we disagree. I think I just have a hard time imagining that a man who wanted to control his wife that much would not be "asking for it" when something went wrong - and vice versa, in any large group of players.

[Spoomonkey 421]

This would give each person room to be themselves without preset barriers, and maybe allow the husband in this case to have been able to move on to something positive for himself within his own personal boundaries, instead of the negative desire to control another person's boundaries.

 

What are boundaries if not "preset barriers"?

 

Your post comes across as a bit of double speak to me...

 

It is not about control, it is about respect. I respect my wife enough to avoid doing things that will hurt her or cross her boundaries. She feels the same. This includes not slipping into a play room without each other's knowledge and consent (and in our case, presence).

 

Spoomonkey

[JTcamp05 9]

I believe that if this was the case, they should not have been at the club to begin with. Anyone can claim to be in this lifestyle, and live it as they see fit, but it is my observation that those couples who are SUCCESSFUL in this lifestyle communicate, communicate, communicate. This includes their true feelings, AND their boundaries.

 

 

 

 

With all due respect, I disagree. We do not do what is best for the individual, but we do what is best for US as a couple. We also realize that without preset barriers, we leave an open field for one of us to hurt the other. Its not about control, but respect. If my husband is uncomfortable with something I am doing, I don't do it. Not because he controls me but because I love and respect him and do not wish to hurt his feelings. If I went ahead and did what I wanted, then basically I am telling him he does not matter nor do his feelings. If thats the case, then how can I claim to love him?

 

Some couples can play without boundaries, and that is great for them, but some couples must have boundaries and rules. Some have only one rule and that is respect for the other. Whatever the rules are, as a couple they must be decided on, and upheld. It makes for less drama later. We don't play with couples who have one set of rules for one half and another set for the other half. I can see the drama now if we ever did.

 

 

"Without preset barriers you an leave open field for one of us to hurt the other"...... That is control no matter how you phrase it, If one partener cant do what they want, they are being controled by the other. If they chose not to do something to protect the feelings of a S/O that is respect.

 

It is all about sommunication and alowing others including your S/O to make some of the boundries. To go in with such strict guidelines is setting yourself up for failure. It is about an open lifestyle, call it what you will but if your S/O can't do what THEY want only because you don't whant them to, its a control issue!

[swing52001 15]

I took the question literally. What if my wife.....? If my wife did that it would be in character (spontaneous) but it should not have been a surprise to me. I hope that I would be paying enough attention to see what was happening. It could then go either way. The rule might be changed whilst walking down the hall or I hope that I could at least let her know that I wouldn't be doing my best impression of a wallflower while she was busy doin favours for somebody else. There would be a discussion later (maybe even in the morning) because a rule agreed upon by both parties needs to be respected. It should only be changed by agreement.

On the other hand, if I did that without consultation..... Her spontaneity might not be something I would want to face

[Spoomonkey 421]

It is all about sommunication and alowing others including your S/O to make some of the boundries. To go in with such strict guidelines is setting yourself up for failure. It is about an open lifestyle, call it what you will but if your S/O can't do what THEY want only because you don't whant them to, its a control issue!

 

This is where I am getting very confused.

 

It would seem that you are saying strict boundaries is a course for failure, but yet you also say that sticking to boundaries shows respect and that "it (I am assuming by "it" you mean a healthy approach to swinging) is all about communication and allowing others including your S/O to make some of the boundaries."

 

Are we getting a little lost in the circular reasoning?

 

Should we allow our S/O to make boundaries or shouldn't we? Is agreeing on boundaries a sign of mutual respect or an avenue to failure and a control issue?

 

This post, like the one by m8seekr, seems to be speaking out both sides of the mouth...

 

Spoomonkey

[She_n_Jaybee 15]

I started this reply thinking I had some valid point to make, suddenly I'm not sure. What the hell? I never let the lack of anything valid stop me before!

 

Boundaries exist for us all. Whether you're in a relationship or not. The laws we live under are boundaries, the rules and guidelines set down by employers are also boundaries. For all aspects of our lives we have boundaries. We either accept or defy them. And each carries it's own consequences. For those of you who think that boundaries are an unfair attempt to control, try telling that female boss how you want to bend her over your desk and drive it home. Or try punching that highway patrolman for trying to unfairly control you. Let everyone know they can't control you! Who knows, you might look good in an orange jumpsuit.

 

A relationship has it's own boundaries. Typically, they are the only boundaries on which each partner has some input. If She tells me "I don't like it when you pick up another woman and have sex with her standing up. No one else has done that to me before and I think of that as 'our' position", I listen, bring up my objections "Isn't it worth it to see the look on their face when I hit that spot?" and we discuss the matter. We reach a decision, or table it for later discussion, both pondering the other's points. Is that trying to control each other? Perhaps. As many have already said, I consider it a matter of respect.

 

Without respect, how can you have compassion? Without compassion, how can you love? Without love, what good is a relationship?

[JTcamp05 9]

Boundaries exist for us all. Whether you're in a relationship or not. The laws we live under are boundaries, the rules and guidelines set down by employers are also boundaries. For all aspects of our lives we have boundaries. We either accept or defy them. And each carries it's own consequences. For those of you who think that boundaries are an unfair attempt to control, try telling that female boss how you want to bend her over your desk and drive it home. Or try punching that highway patrolman for trying to unfairly control you. Let everyone know they can't control you! Who knows, you might look good in an orange jumpsuit.

 

A relationship has it's own boundaries. Typically, they are the only boundaries on which each partner has some input. If She tells me "I don't like it when you pick up another woman and have sex with her standing up. No one else has done that to me before and I think of that as 'our' position", I listen, bring up my objections "Isn't it worth it to see the look on their face when I hit that spot?" and we discuss the matter. We reach a decision, or table it for later discussion, both pondering the other's points. Is that trying to control each other? Perhaps. As many have already said, I consider it a matter of respect.

 

Without respect, how can you have compassion? Without compassion, how can you love? Without love, what good is a relationship?

 

You make some very good points, I for one have always been one to follow the rules of society, so I can't say there is anything wrong with that. I guess I am thinking more in line with this specific question. We have been in a situation somewhat like this, and how I would react to it now is different that it was.

I remember a few years ago at a party, we both wished to have fun, but as it turned out that party kinda dryed up and my S/O found herself with a single male, I didnt mind but to make a long story short I felt a little left out and made a nasty comment or something to that effect. I remember feeling bad about it the next day and started thinking. What if the shoe was on the other foot, would she make a comment if I were enjoying myself.

 

Now over time as we have had a few experiences, we each have no issues with control. She is free to explore as she wishes and the same for myself.

 

It just seams to me the only time we ever had any issues with the swinging is when we put boundries on it. The boundries we had lasted a few weeks and here two years into it its been nothing but positive. Of course were not out at the wild club scene much we tend to prefer meeting like minded couples, but nonetheless find our lifestyle very satisfying.

 

I know each and everyone has something they want to get out of the lifestyle, and another may have different goals. However I have noticed other couples with boundries and they tend jump from couple to couple. If one couple wished to have boundries (some of which at least one party can't follow) I guess good for them. For us it's OUR opnion that having no pre determined boundries leads to a more enjoyable time.

 

We have been with couples lke this who have everything planed out what they will do what they wont do, its like acting out a movie script, where is the passion, the feeling, the excitement. I am always safe, but thats my decision, my responsibility on my part. She is always safe, but thats her decision, and her responsibility on her part. We each have things we like and each have things we don't like. But I didn't tell her what she doesnt like, and she didnt tell me what I dont like. But of course we have a good relationship and I allready know what she likes and doesnt like. Mabye the key is swinging with someone who you are that comfortable with???

[MoonLightKiss 28]

"Without preset barriers you an leave open field for one of us to hurt the other"...... That is control no matter how you phrase it, If one partener cant do what they want, they are being controled by the other. If they chose not to do something to protect the feelings of a S/O that is respect.

 

It is all about sommunication and alowing others including your S/O to make some of the boundries. To go in with such strict guidelines is setting yourself up for failure. It is about an open lifestyle, call it what you will but if your S/O can't do what THEY want only because you don't whant them to, its a control issue!

 

I see your point. Although for me and my husband we do not see it as control but respect. For example, we have a rule that states, "if we both are not happy with the couple, neither of us plays". This was his idea to begin with. I agree with it, but for the sake of making a point, lets say I disagreed.

 

If he wants to not play with a couple and I do, from what I am understanding from you, I should be allowed to. Otherwise, its control. Here is where I think choices come in to make it respect or control. If I choose not to, its not because I can't, its because I won't. Frankly, my husband does not control me nor I him. I would choose not to, because I respect him enough to also respect his feelings. Could I play with them? Yes I probably could. Would he be happy? no. Knowing I could and choosing not to is what makes the difference. Going ahead and playing in this situation is what shows him that I do not care about his feelings. But control? No, its not control, because the choice would be mine.

 

I feel that the word control would come more into play if I chose to play with a couple and he bodily removed me from the situation. Then I have no choice which implies control.

 

Just my opinion...we may not agree but we can agree to disagree on it I suppose. Its a matter of point of view is all.