Bisexual pressure/presumption

[Pixey 15]

Hello ALL!!! Currently, I have posted on my swinger profiles that I am bi-curious. But I am finding it a little annoying that couples make this precedence that I will be active with both of them. I almost feel like I need to list myself as straight to allow myself some breathing room to open up instead of everyone assuming I am an opportunity for them.

 

I find it funny most men have this highly formulated excuse as to why they don't list their bisexual classification. Since they can fly hawkeye, then it's not assumed and they don't feel the pressure to perform. If something happens, it will happen behind closed doors where no one will know. As if some sort of blue ball disease will fall on them if they list themselves bi-anything. The totally 100% straight line always makes me giggle! I think it's extremely unbalanced and the pressure for women to be bisexual sucks.

 

I am highly clairvoyant so I feel and hear what's going through their (other couple) minds, how they try to control and manipulate our relations [speaking from a totally undefensive place.]. I feel a tremendous sense of pressure from both the man and the woman of their attraction to/expectations of me. It's enough dealing with the attraction of one member (male) of the couple but then 2. I can feel how the husbands are craving to see their wives in action with me. The pressure becomes nauseating, uncomfortable, and disempowering. What I found was, I was burying this down in my body and making myself unwell. I have stopped this pattern. I have not had a bi experience yet. I am still throwing the idea around.

 

It seems in the lifestyle as if it's expected that women SHOULD be bisexual and favored if so.

 

I've heard, "Well, no ones forcing you to do anything!" No, no one will ever force me to do anything. But I feel that sense from people and what they desire. Because if you're not bi enough for them then we don't want to be friends. Yuck!

 

I say, everybody needs to sit in a bucket of ice and cool down.

 

So, my questions boil down to: Does it help to list myself as Straight to allow myself some breathing room? I was told I narrow my chances of meeting cool people by listing myself as straight. (There again, tremendous pressure is then hinged on getting a high level of interest from couples because of my sexual orientation listing.)

 

How do I deal with this pressure? I am nuts for feeling this way? Has anyone else had similiar feelings?

 

Maybe it just boils down to my desire to make everyone happy. Forget it! Right?

 

I love people. That is the sole reason I'm in this lifestyle! But the desires get a little overwhelming for me. HELP!!!!

[Amanda69 24]

Does it help to list myself as Straight to allow myself some breathing room?

 

How about communicating clearly with a couple about your attraction to one or both so they know the lay of the land so to speak. I also find it interesting that as a heterosexual it is taken for granted that you wouldn't be sexually attracted to everyone of the opposite sex but list yourself as Bi and there seems to be an assumption that you should be willing to play with all females.

 

Personally I would remain honest about my sexuality. The reaction to you is their issue not yours.

 

I was told I narrow my chances of meeting cool people by listing myself as straight. (There again, tremendous pressure is then hinged on getting a high level of interest from couples because of my sexual orientation listing.)

 

Really!!! That is a new one on me. There are many women in the lifestyle who are not bi and I can guarantee they are some of the "cool" people.

 

You are a single female and regardless of your sexual orientation you will have many couples approaching you. Law of supply and demand. There are far more couples seeking than single females open to playing.

 

How do I deal with this pressure? I am nuts for feeling this way? Has anyone else had similiar feelings?

 

That depends are you saying this pressure is implied or that

I am highly clairvoyant so I feel and hear what's going through their (other couple) minds

. In the first case, be open with the couple ask them their interests and set the boundaries for play. In the second, sorry this is beyond my ability to offer advice on, except to say, if you are indeed

clairvoyant

then you should be learning how to shut off the connection to others to give yourself peace of mind and to enjoy the moment.

 

We all know we have rampant, raging thoughts going on in our heads. These rarely translate into any form of reality and certainly are not meant for public viewing or acting on in any way. Yes, many men have the fantasy of wanting to see two women together. Doesn't mean that a male in a play situation would attempt to influence or push his partner into doing anything more than she is comfortable with.

 

Maybe it just boils down to my desire to make everyone happy. Forget it! Right?

 

Depends on what you are in the lifestyle for. I identify singles as toys for couples in the lifestyle. (I was one myself for a few years) Personally my aim was always my own pleasure and fun, couples were a great way for me to enjoy myself, double my pleasure and make a number of great friends along the way.

 

Good luck and play safe...

[Sweet_Candy 54]

Good questions and if I may offer some advice. List yourself, as straight it will weed out those who are really just here for GOG play. Straight couples still have some bi interactions amongst themselves but it's not the intent. If your are here for mainly men than explore that avenue if you're wanting some GOG play it will come occasionally with some that you do play with.

 

Candy started out listed as Bi but after several encounters she admitted it was lacking. When I asked what it was lacking she said a man. Seeing two women play with each other does nothing for myself so there's no pressure from me for her to play with women. We changed her status back to straight and we still get as many inquires as before but when the couple has a bi-sexual female listed we asked them will straight play be enough for them and so far only one has said it would be a problem for them.

 

Be who you want to be not what others want you to be. Good Luck!

[ohash01 20]

I also list myself as bi-curious...and I am...however, I make it blatantly clear to all couples that contact us that this would be my first EVER F-F experience and I want to be completely comfortable with the woman, completely attracted to her, and completely at ease with the whole situation. You'll get a lot of honesty that way. The one couple we're talking to has a bi F. I stated my position and my fears to her. She said...

 

"The first time you went out with a guy, you didn't jump right into bed with him...I don't expect that either...I'm okay with goodnight kisses to start out with. If you don't even like that, that's ok...we'll straight soft swap".

 

Most people are very understanding. Tell them straight out what you are and are not ready for. If they aren't okay with that, they aren't the couple for you to start exploring your bi-curiousness with.

[Pepper & Drew 384]

Are you swinging to make everyone else, even people you don't already know, happy, or to have your own fun? It sounds like you ARE straight, and you should list yourself as such. You'll probably get the same amount of attention and they'll know, upfront, that GG play is not going to play a major part in your play.

 

I know the pressure exists. I have a straight friend that says often women don't even ask before touching her, etc. or view her as some conquest to turn bi. It sucks, and I'm sure it turns some women off of the lifestyle.

 

Pepper

[She_n_Jaybee 15]

We have gotten to the point where we seldom initiate contact in regards to our ads. They are reasonably clear about our interests. If we are contacted by a couple with the woman listed as straight, bi-curious, passively bi or socially bi, we warn them that She is bi, and our main interest is for her to enjoy that part of her sexuality. If the woman really isn't interested in She, then there's no sense in wasting everyone's time. On the other hand, if the women hit it off, there is a very good chance we'll end up with a full-swap.

 

My advice is to list yourself as what you truly are, not what you want to be, or what others want you to be. In your profile be clear about what you are looking for and what turns you off. It's about you.

[Pixey 15]

Thank you, everybody! You're support is incredibly encouraging! I feel loved for being straight! I think I will come out of the closet, be straight and proud of it!

 

As of 11:46AM EST:

 

She_n_Jaybee: I think you are exactly right. I do need to list myself as what I am and when the opportunity presents itself, it will. Thank you!

 

Pepper & Drew: I'm glad the pressure is understood and not something that I've been imagining. Thanks for letting me know that some view it as a conquest. I will approach their demeanor with calm mind and heart.

 

ohash01: I have it on my profile that I find it a total turn off if they ask if I will play with their wives. I think I've felt funky when a woman explains to my husband and I how much she has enjoyed her GOG relations. I start to feel queasy with jitters. I think it's a great idea to start out with a good night kiss with another woman. I could make baby steps or "maybe steps". I think I will write a more clear statement in my prolfile of what I am all about.

 

Sweet_Candy: That's great advice! I hoped that it would weed out the ones who have the strong interest for GOG action. Most web pages profiles list the catch all straight, bi-curious or bi at the top and so most don't completely read the profile. I will make my catch all listing Straight and deep into my profile, I will explain my intentions and parameters.

 

Amanda69: I think deep inside I am afraid of scaring off cool people when I tell them, I am attracted to you but not your wife. I can see it now, their inflamed penises will soon lose the flame! I am really concerned about them feeling the burn of rejection. I will have to be the brave little swinger that could and just be open, honest and comfortable within myself and let go of worrying about what everybody else wants. It's about my experience not theirs.

 

Really!!! That is a new one on me. There are many women in the lifestyle who are not bi and I can guarantee they are some of the "cool" people.

You have no idea how this relieves me!!!!!

Personally I would remain honest about my sexuality. The reaction to you is their issue not yours.

You are so RIGHT! Thanks for the incredible support.

 

Thank you for taking your coffee time to help a fellow swinger. I love this forum. I feel I can be myself and I am accepted for who I am, whatever that is! Blessings to you all! OXOX

[discoandvyper 15]

It is true, and unfortunate, that the majority of swingers are going to automatically assume that you're going to play with both if you list yourself as bi-anything.

 

You could list yourself as bi-trash container and the majority is just going to read the BI part.

 

You could list yourself as straight to give yourself some room, but then you're going to run the risk of missing that couple with a bi female that you may have wanted to play with. You'll get a lot of straight couples trying to contact you in that case, which isn't a problem as far as we can guess from you - you are, after all, wanting to rest from having so many people pressure you into something you're not ready for yet. If you're comfortable with straight play, by all means don't cut yourself out of it just because you bang the idea of women around too.

 

Living in the bi-curious position is a tough place to be. You're either going to get bothered by people wanting you to do something you don't want to do yet, or you're going to run the risk of missing out on that special someone you did want to get with after all.

 

Whatever you decide, good luck to you.

[Mr. Truelove 81]

This thread has been a bit of an eye-opener for me. I'm glad someone raised the question because I always thought of bi-curious to be more bi than not. But now I realize that it covers much more than that and simply realizing that may help to keep from having unreal expectations.

 

We might have to change our profile and elaborate a bit more to explain our position more clearly.

[lovinher 505]

I find it funny most men have this highly formulated excuse as to why they don't list their bisexual classification. Since they can fly hawkeye, then it's not assumed and they don't feel the pressure to perform. If something happens, it will happen behind closed doors where no one will know. As if some sort of blue ball disease will fall on them if they list themselves bi-anything. The totally 100% straight line always makes me giggle! I think it's extremely unbalanced and the pressure for women to be bisexual sucks.

 

 

Huh???? As a totally 100% straight guy, I guess I have no idea what you are talking about.

 

 

I am highly clairvoyant so I feel and hear what's going through their (other couple) minds, how they try to control and manipulate our relations [speaking from a totally undefensive place.]. I feel a tremendous sense of pressure from both the man and the woman of their attraction to/expectations of me. It's enough dealing with the attraction of one member (male) of the couple but then 2. I can feel how the husbands are craving to see their wives in action with me. The pressure becomes nauseating, uncomfortable, and disempowering. What I found was, I was burying this down in my body and making myself unwell. I have stopped this pattern. I have not had a bi experience yet. I am still throwing the idea around.

 

 

Just because YOU can read minds doesnt mean they can. How about communicationing a little better BEFORE you meet them. Why the heck would you list yourself as bi-curious if it makes you so sick and miserable. Why not list yourself as straight and YOU pick couples with a bi-curious female? Then you are completely in control of what happens next. To list yourself as bi-curious, then get annoyed if a couple is hoping you explore your bi-curious side seems a little deceptive on your part.

 

So, my questions boil down to: Does it help to list myself as Straight to allow myself some breathing room? /B]

 

hmmmm...yes

 

 

I was told I narrow my chances of meeting cool people by listing myself as straight. (There again, tremendous pressure is then hinged on getting a high level of interest from couples because of my sexual orientation listing.)

 

So you misrepresent yourself so you meet more people? Are you saying you can't get any action as a straight female? Sorry, but I can't believe that. MAYBE you are putting yourself in these positions. Sorry to be so harsh but I think you need to think hard about what is going here and why.

[Dooode 18]

Pixey:

 

I wrote a long response based on my experience, went back to grab a quote, then BANG! Everything I wrote was gone.

 

But after having gone through all the posts and seeing your reaction to them, I'd say you're on the right track for your needs, so all I can say is good luck!!!!!

[Pixey 15]

Thank you for everyone's positive input. This is great. I am glad I could open the eyes of some others! I know it's been a confidence booster for me! Dooode: I'd love to hear your side. When you get the chance, please share! lovinher: My husband and I are always complimented on how nice our profile is. I do think I need to be alot more clearer about what I am looking for. I've enjoyed opening this discussion. Enjoy the weekend!

[ShellyM 0]

I can relate to what you say in regards to the female bi issue in swinging. It seems that at least 95% of female swingers are at least bi curious...which is cool, no problem. I, however, honestly consider myself to be completely heterosexual in nature. I just don't get turned on by women in any way, shape or form. As a matter of fact, I like men who have the more rugged look albeit facial hair and chest hair. I will play with a woman, but honestly for the enjoyment of the others. This is what I put on my profile on sls. If you are really upset about it you need to go ahead and change your preference to straight. Now, this will mean alot less emails, and thats the truth. But if you just aren't turned on by women, not even play wise, you need to do that. I for one don't mind playing, but I do let the woman know from the very beginning where I stand, so she doesn't enter into something unexpected either.

[2jersey 16]

I also list myself as bi-curious...and I am...however, I make it blatantly clear to all couples that contact us that this would be my first EVER F-F experience and I want to be completely comfortable with the woman, completely attracted to her, and completely at ease with the whole situation. You'll get a lot of honesty that way. The one couple we're talking to has a bi F. I stated my position and my fears to her. She said...

 

"The first time you went out with a guy, you didn't jump right into bed with him...I don't expect that either...I'm okay with goodnight kisses to start out with. If you don't even like that, that's ok...we'll straight soft swap".

 

Most people are very understanding. Tell them straight out what you are and are not ready for. If they aren't okay with that, they aren't the couple for you to start exploring your bi-curiousness with.

 

You are handling things very well (properly). Direct and simple yields the best results.

[2jersey 16]

We have gotten to the point where we seldom initiate contact in regards to our ads. They are reasonably clear about our interests. If we are contacted by a couple with the woman listed as straight, bi-curious, passively bi or socially bi, we warn them that She is bi, and our main interest is for her to enjoy that part of her sexuality. If the woman really isn't interested in She, then there's no sense in wasting everyone's time. On the other hand, if the women hit it off, there is a very good chance we'll end up with a full-swap.

 

My advice is to list yourself as what you truly are, not what you want to be, or what others want you to be. In your profile be clear about what you are looking for and what turns you off. It's about you.

 

I like your approach.

[Pixey 15]

Dear lovinher,

 

[Huh???? As a totally 100% straight guy, I guess I have no idea what you are talking about.] Most bi-curious guys place themselves under the classification of being straight because they don't want everyone to know they are bi-curious. It's ashame b/c there is a tremendous amount of stigma against these fellows who want to express themselves. I was told guys need to do this because it is not preferred that men are bi/curious/sexual in the lifestyle. Then they can fly hawkeye (hidden) and feel out the opportunity. I feel like women in this lifestyle are expected or it's the custom to be bi-sexual, period. However, on the other hand, women do have the freedom to express who they are without stigma, favored, no less. I guess I feel a little intimidated by people's intentions. In our current society, it is also the "in thing" for men to be ogling after GOG. Thanks for stopping by and voicing your opinion. It really helps to hash out these ideas on here!

[Chicup 41]

Men don't put bi-curious on profiles for the same reason the husbands of women will put their straight wife as bi-curious.

 

To get more 'action' on their profile.

 

Putting 'bi' as a male I'm sure is going to limit the couples who respond, and those that do will most likely be looking for male bi.

 

Likewise, listing the woman as straight will eliminate many couples who are looking for GG activies. Now this I know to be true as, even though Mrs. Chicup is mildly bi we put in our profile that GG activies are not our primary goal in swinging, which was a turn off to many couples.

[Dooode 18]

Dear Pixey,

 

Thanks for your encouragement. I had a couple glasses of wine tonight and my writing might be a little sloppy, but here goes!

 

I think there are three ways bi-curious people handle their curiosities: 1) they get it out of the way quickly, 2) they pretend they don't exist and continue on their merry way, or 3) they take their time, think it through and get their questions answered before taking the next step.

 

This last method was my experience.

 

I listed myself as bi-curious when I first started in the lifestyle, nearly 10 years ago. I was lucky in that I was contacted by a bicouple of 20+ years' swing experience and we remained exclusive for 8 months. During those 8 months, I was able to get my questions answered and think things through. There was no pressure. Sometimes I was with the wife alone, sometimes I was with the husband alone, most of the time we were a threesome. My footing became more solid as I became more confident as a sexual being.

 

But better than just being sexually exclusive, we were also friends: I was invited to their holiday dinners, we went out to comedy clubs, restaurants or shopping. Sometimes we just hung out: an evening of TV, an afternoon of swimming or just futzing around with the computer. It wasn't until the fellow had a heart attack that I called it quits on playtime and redefined our association as "just friends" and we remained so for another 7 years, then we lost touch.

 

Following the 8 months' exclusivity, I really pushed the envelope on my sexual identity, just to see how far the bisexuality extended. I now know where my boundaries are and I can say with confidence that I know who I am as a sexual being.

 

Your situation's a little different. You can't list as bi-curious and expect people are going to honor and respect your boundaries because ... well, you're EXPECTED to be bisexual where I (as a guy) would not be.

 

With that in mind, my opinion is that you should list yourself as straight to specifically limit your options (no different than me listing myself as bisexual). The advantage to this is that listing as straight is going to eliminate the noise--and pressure--you get.

 

Secondly, after changing your listing as straight, re-write your profile to state specifically that you are heterosexual with slight bisexual curiosities. Should any couple write and say "I'd love to see you and Diana together!", kick it back with the response "re-read my profile, stud" and if they persist, block 'em.

 

YOUR body, YOUR life, YOUR rules.

 

Lastly (and this is going to be the tough one), try to find a couple who can be your friends as well as a playmates. I would love that you could have the experiences that I did, but obviously everyone grows differently. But if the husband is hot and the wife is somewhat attractive to you, who's to say that some evening an experiment wouldn't happen? The key here is that it shouldn't be EXPECTED from you.

 

And that's my re-constructed 2-cents!

[lovinher 505]

I think I'd a little pissed if we made arrangments with a bi-curiuos female only to find out during the fun that she had no intentions of exploring that. This is assuming of course that this was not made clear in advance. Seems hard to believe that this would not be discussed before playing.

 

That being said, my wife is looking to explore that side of her. If we were to meet a couple, and for whatever reason she did not want to play with the woman, we certainly would not put up with her being pestered or talked into it. The difference is you dont really seem to want this yet and you are not communicating that.

 

In our current society, it is also the "in thing" for men to be ogling after GOG.

 

It sure is the "in thing" for me. But judging by all the MFM threads and stories on this site I must be old fashioned

[Pixey 15]

Dooode, You really brought a tear to my eye. I wish most men were as brave as you are. Thank you for touching my heart. It really shows how you spoke from the heart. Blessings to you!

[Dooode 18]

Thank you, beautiful lady!

 

I didn't mention, but that couple moved to Minnesota, which is why we lost touch. I thank them for being who they are and I hope wherever they are, they're healthy and happy.

 

Firm in your convictions, you'll make it! I'm on SLS as well and you're welcome to write anytime you like.

 

Good night and sweet dreams! *kisses*

[Kycouple4fun 15]

We can totally relate, my wife is curious (meaning she is exactly that curious) but doesn't want to feel pressured if she says "Wait I am uncomforable." so we are considering listing her straight for that reason alone. Our hope is that we find a woman or couple who are in the same situation and maybe some experments will occur(God I hate putting it that way, sounds like the girls will be in lab coats with flasks of liquids pouring them together LOL).

 

She admits it would have to be "The right kind of woman" (Meaning patiant and willing to realize this is not nessessarly where she might go and she might say stop at a moments notice) before she did, and she would have to feel very comfortable.

 

Me I admit to being "curious" about a few things, but again I would have to feel comfortable as well, so I list as straight for that very reason.

[She_n_Jaybee 15]

I like your approach.

I like your Avatar!

[She_n_Jaybee 15]

I think I'd a little pissed if we made arrangments with a bi-curiuos female only to find out during the fun that she had no intentions of exploring that. This is assuming of course that this was not made clear in advance. Seems hard to believe that this would not be discussed before playing.

 

That being said, my wife is looking to explore that side of her. If we were to meet a couple, and for whatever reason she did not want to play with the woman, we certainly would not put up with her being pestered or talked into it. The difference is you dont really seem to want this yet and you are not communicating that.

 

In our current society, it is also the "in thing" for men to be ogling after GOG.

 

It sure is the "in thing" for me. But judging by all the MFM threads and stories on this site I must be old fashioned

 

We're both old-fashioned then. I love watching She have her fun. Sometimes too much. She will be waving a free hand to get me to come over and join in before I decide to stop watching and start doing.

[Sweet_Candy 54]

In our current society, it is also the "in thing" for men to be ogling after GOG.

 

This statement makes me laugh because I will bet most of these same guys would cry foul if it were Guy on Guy play. Girl on Girl or Guy on Guy is the same action called same sex. It's so hypocritical.

[lovinher 505]

Sweet Candy. Your quote attributed to me is by Pixey. I have not figured out how to do the quote thing

 

Sorry for the confusion

[Sweet_Candy 54]

Sweet Candy. Your quote attributed to me is by Pixey. I have not figured out how to do the quote thing

 

Sorry for the confusion

 

No reason to be sorry my mistake, please accept my apology for attributing this sentence to you.