Fell for a swing partner and need help!.

[Sleepless In NY 15]

I need help, my friends. I am an imbecile ‘cause After 14plus years in the swinging lifestyle, it happened, and i’m not happy. My wife and i swap with others in different rooms and we sometimes go out separately. We do this at key parties etc. We come back and share our wild stories and never had any problem with any of this until this experience. head bang

 

We swapped partners with a couple we met in a club from upstate, and without seeing it coming, me and the woman developed a romantic love connection. i understand this is not real and a big fantasy. She was gorgeous in my eyes facelick. Love at first sight---ha. I am not gonna post “I met my soulmate and am thinking about divorce”. i have a level-head and understand what true love is (my wife & sons), so pls don’t think i am an idiot in a romance novel. But the lustful connection was something I haven’t felt in 18 years & I am very ashamed at myself. Sex and swinging is allways recreational so this is so strange.

 

We agreed NO MORE CONTACT and its hard on me . We were all good friends until the feelings. The four of us also traveled together once. Stupid me for letting a swinging partner mess with my heart. I did not realize I was even capable of such strong romantic thoughts. So many things in our condo remind me of her and its so hard for me. My heart is sad because I keep replaying the excitement and the anticipation of our encounters.

 

it sounds stupid but i know in my life i will never experience such a level of excitement as my encounters with this woman. my wife and I are best friends and are close and we are tight. That is why stopping this was essential. The woman is in my thoughts constantly and I feel guilty and mad at myself.

 

Even after two decades with my wife, our sexlife is fun and our swinging adventures are even more fun. What happened during this event was beyond all that . romantic sex like this is too much to handle. I am most sad because I will never feel such hot and romantic passion ever again in my life. There was no swinging encounter that ever compared to this. I kind of now understand why people have affairs. Swinging is a ton of fun and sex with the wife is beautiful, but the sleepless nights in anticipation of these encounters was beyond anything.

 

I am glad we cut it off and I am glad my wife knows. But I still hurt and I am sad that unless I turn into a cheater ----which is OUT OF THE QUESTION, ---- that same level of romantic desire and passionate thrill will be gone forever and ever. But maybe with some time and support I will look back and laugh at this silly sadness. Please don’t judge me soapbox because this was not intentional and it stopped early enough. Maybe someone here can relate or offer words and maybe we can all learn. Please PM if you have any private words. I think about the feeling and the rush all day and I want it to STOP. HELP HELLLP

[intuition897 2,179]

Have any of you considered polyamory? Or do you feel that this new relationship would detract from the one you share with your wife?

[Sleepless In NY 15]

excellent question. I think this would be too much to handle. We have always been a unit and besides swinging, we are quite conservative in our views. During the episode, My mind moved to the new woman too much. I understand the poly philosophy about being capable to love many people, like the love for my second son did not detract my first one, and I have two sisters and two parents that share my love.

 

But the kinda 'love' I felt in this episode was the romantic--lustful--stare--in--our--eyes--gone--crazy love, which is not love at all, right? It is very dangerous, and this could sound dumb, but the only thing worse than no contact would be to have continued it. i need a reality check and an eraser for my memory and life will go on.

 

and I hope time will help.

[Miss_Piggy 98]

My best advice is that you should wait it out.

 

I've been there. I know the feelings feel so strong - like they will never go away. But they will. Some time will go by and you'll be able to look back on this post and think... well, that was dramatic of me.

 

You've done the right thing. Cut things off. You aren't a slave to your emotions and the feelings will pass.

 

Good luck.

[MarcusAndErin 15]

I think Miss Piggy makes a good point. I often look back to my past (usually just for laughs) and when I see my past relationships where I said I was in love, I'm not so sure. It's like looking back to our high school days and thinking "Wow, how I've changed!" or "Boy was I an idiot back then!". Obviously your very mature as it's not easy for any man to come out and throw what you did on a public board. I think time is a good avenue to take as well.

 

Naturaly I don't know you at all. But by your own admission, you LOVE YOUR WIFE AND SON!... sounds like great stuff to me friend

[tribbles 490]

https://www.worldhealth.net/news/molecule_gives_passionate_lovers_just_on/

 

Molecule Gives Passionate Lovers Just One Year

 

ROMEÂ -- Your heartbeat accelerates, you have butterflies in the stomach, you feel euphoric and a bit silly. It's all part of falling passionately in love -- and scientists now tell us the feeling won't last more than a year.

 

The powerful emotions that bowl over new lovers are triggered by a molecule known as nerve growth factor (NGF), according to Pavia University researchers.

 

The Italian scientists found far higher levels of NGF in the blood of 58 people who had recently fallen madly in love than in that of a group of singles and people in long-term relationships.

 

But after a year with the same lover, the quantity of the 'love molecule' in their blood had fallen to the same level as that of the other groups.

 

The Italian researchers, publishing their study in the journal Psychoneuroendocrinology, said it was not clear how falling in love triggers higher levels of NGF, but the molecule clearly has an important role in the "social chemistry" between people at the start of a relationship.

 

More at link...

[Sleepless In NY 15]

Thanks for the words of encouragement. It does sound silly of me. Time heals all, but of course. I only want it to go faster! Each day is easier but its scary how I'm a slave to the emotions. I have too many NGFS in my blood. Despite all the love for my family, I will just sorely miss our experiences together. Let's hope we all look at thread and laugh one day. I doubt it, tho...

[Roman Hands 15]

Italian scientists found far higher levels of NGF in the blood of 58 people who had recently fallen madly in love than in that of a group of singles and people in long-term relationships.

 

But after a year with the same lover, the quantity of the 'love molecule' in their blood had fallen to the same level as that of the other groups.

 

No intended disrespect to the scientist of my heritage, but.....I say horsepucky! Yeah, yeah we all have heard about the "science" of sex. And I don't disagree that certain "chemical" reactions occur when two people meet. But it has been pretty well established that men and women approach sex differently, for the most part. And I think men are more "proned" to "puppy love" symptoms than women. Largely because men have such a need (myself included) for ego "strokes". And it doesn't take much for us! An attractive women, other than our SO, shows us attention, no matter how slight, and "KABOOM" we're in love!!

 

We have been married 18 years. Neither of us have ever had, nor even been tempted, to have an "affair"...a la carte. We retired at 40, and for the last 9 years, have been inseperable 24/7. And WE LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!we travel, we hike, we work out, we play, we have sex, we have sex, we have sex (you get the picture )We are beyond "best friends" (unless you are having 2 hour lovemaking sessions with your best friend). Our love life, our sex, is not a smoldering fire that sometimes needs fanning. Its a couple of "mad" dogs in heat that have to be hosed down to seperate. We both still get the butterflys and adrenalin rush. Often she says she has to catch her breath!

 

I know, as does she, that if either of us ever met someone who caused us that level of intense desire, then we as a couple are through! Inviting a playmate or playmates, to our bed, is simply another "toy" in our arsenal of sex toys. We don't say that to be rude or degrading, its just how we view it. And we would hope that the playmate, or playmates, would view us in the same way. I suppose it goes back to the question of sex versus love. After a friend of mind was divorced for the 5th time! another friend said to him....You know, you don't HAVE to marry every woman you have sex with!

 

My suggestion is that you quit the "puppy love" behavior and figure out, with your wife, just what you DO have and DO NOT have, in your relationship with each other. And then decide whether you want to build on it or tear the whole thing apart and either start over, or walk away.

[Chicup 42]

I don't think you need help because you seem to be doing all the right things.

 

Its going to be hard, and in some ways I think we are programed to look for new lovers even when everything is perfect at home. You need to fight your insticts and the love will fade in time.

[Sleepless In NY 15]

thank you for the advice. Roman I agree with what you are saying because for 14yrs and 200odd swing partners everyone was sex toys too.......i did not expect this. i have learned on the Internet that sometimes the right combination of chemicals and smells and visuals do this. we put on the brakes right away, so we did the right thing, like chicup said (thank you).

 

i do feel guilt and shame but pls understand this wasnt a conscience choice. for the first time in 20 years, i kind of understand why all my vanilla friends at work at my hospital have affairs. i am verrry opposed to lying and cheats but now my eyes are open and even tho i'd never do it, i see the power of sex+feelings. i know it is not love and i know it is not a soul mate but ohmygod facelick this is the stare and gaze and the passion that is in romance books is stronnng. Surrender

 

if u r curious ---- each day is easier now ----- the thoughts are less. thank God. its hard. i know i am an idiot but it is passing.

[lovinher 505]

Quote

 

posted by sleepless

I am most sad because I will never feel such hot and romantic passion ever again in my life.

 

 

You don't feel this way about your wife? If were your wife I'd be worried about this comment.

[Chicup 42]

lovinher said:

posted by sleepless

I am most sad because I will never feel such hot and romantic passion ever again in my life.

 

You don't feel this way about your wife? If were your wife I'd be worried about this comment.

 

I love my wife, we have a great sex life, but compared to the passionate sex we had early in our relationship it won't be the same again no. Its nothing to be worried about its just human nature.

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here--Get the surfboard out because you have one heckuva wave to ride, but you will be okay. Brain chemistry is a bitch, but you'll be fine in time.

[Sleepless In NY 15]

lovinher said:

posted by sleepless

I am most sad because I will never feel such hot and romantic passion ever again in my life.

 

You don't feel this way about your wife? If were your wife I'd be worried about this comment.

 

Thanks everyone. I am really glad for you that you have this kinda sex with your spouse.

 

I think many of us here have a lot to learn from you, cause according to all the science journals and books and articles I printed, there's a huge difference between brand new lust sex and sex after 20 years of marriage and children.

 

After parenthood & being very comfortable and in TRUE LOVE with each other we of course enjoy sex, but there is just #NoThING# that can describe what went on during these sessions. I don't think it's possible for two humans to have this kinda sex for 20 years....or even for more than six sessions. by all the PMs I got, I know many people understand this. I will throw this out... if everyone had sex with their spouse year after year like we had... I don't think anyone would bother with swinging or going to swinging clubs.... please, someone who remembers a new forbidden relationship or someone who has had a crazy romantic affair...back me up If you were going through this right now with your spouse, you would not be surfing and reading this.

 

I just wanna say that anyone who expects this kinda sex for more than two months would need to check into the nearest hospital.

 

Anyone who can capture the feeling of rapture yearning surrender and passion with the same person for more than a year must write a book... I will fly them to JFK to teach me. This was the sort of marathon where you would never go to work on Monday & would never dream of sharing the person with another human.

 

Anyone who expects this from a warm and loving marriage should be prepared to be disappointed. This was the encounter we had and to expect this from a loving & devoted spouse of 20 years is not fair. Even with a great sex life.

[intuition897 2,179]

Sleepless In NY said:

Anyone who can capture the feeling of rapture yearning surrender and passion with the same person for more than a year must write a book... I will fly them to JFK to teach me. This was the sort of marathon where you would never go to work on Monday & would never dream of sharing the person with another human.

Why not? The idea of hording someone else's sexuality all to myself is a foreign concept to me now. I don't care HOW awesome the sex is; it still doesn't belong solely to me. If anything, it makes me want to share it with others because it's just too good to be kept under wraps like that.

 

And BTW, I do know that feeling you're talking about. It feels like every nerve ending you have is on fire. And you know when I felt it the most intensely?...

 

Sleepless In NY said:

Anyone who expects this from a warm and loving marriage should be prepared to be disappointed. This was the encounter we had and to expect this from a loving & devoted spouse of 20 years is not fair. Even with a great sex life.

The most intense feelings I've had of freedom and absolute raw sexual power were with my own husband...after I had shared him. I allow him to have sexual freedom because I love him, not in spite of that love. I'm sure you're thinking, "No, no, no you just don't get it! I meant REAL passion, REAL intense sex." But honey, it just doesn't get any more intense than that. We're talking about passing-out-intense. Wide-awake, 20-cups-of-coffee-alert, electrostatically charged intense.

 

Everyday sex does ebb and flow with the twists and turns life hands us, but it's liberally punctuated with many a GREAT session, where the chemistry just...sparks!

[lovinher 505]

Quote

 

Sleepless wrote

Thanks everyone. I am really glad for you that you have this kinda sex with your spouse.

 

I think many of us here have a lot to learn from you, cause according to all the science journals and books and articles I printed, there's a huge difference between brand new lust sex and sex after 20 years of marriage and children.

 

After parenthood & being very comfortable and in TRUE LOVE with each other we of course enjoy sex, but there is just #NoThING# that can describe what went on during these sessions. I don't think it's possible for two humans to have this kinda sex for 20 years....or even for more than six sessions. by all the PMs I got, I know many people understand this. I will throw this out... if everyone had sex with their spouse year after year like we had... I don't think anyone would bother with swinging or going to swinging clubs.... please, someone who remembers a new forbidden relationship or someone who has had a crazy romantic affair...back me up If you were going through this right now with your spouse, you would not be surfing and reading this.

 

I just wanna say that anyone who expects this kinda sex for more than two months would need to check into the nearest hospital.

 

Anyone who can capture the feeling of rapture yearning surrender and passion with the same person for more than a year must write a book... I will fly them to JFK to teach me. This was the sort of marathon where you would never go to work on Monday & would never dream of sharing the person with another human.

 

Anyone who expects this from a warm and loving marriage should be prepared to be disappointed. This was the encounter we had and to expect this from a loving & devoted spouse of 20 years is not fair. Even with a great sex life.

 

 

From our experience and my point of view this is bullshit. Hell of an attitude you have. Like I said I'd be worried and I feel sorry for her. So now you have scientific justification to make you feel better. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, how about trying to find that passion with your wife. That should be obvious.

[MoonLightKiss 28]

Sleepless, I understand what you are getting at when you say the difference between new lust and love for your wife. When me and hubby first got together, it was that "OMG I gotta have him, its great, lust at first sight, nerves on edge, suspenseful, surrendering passion" Since then we still have great sex. Its just different now. Its not the "wondering what he will do next" kind of sex, but more of the sweet, tender, he knows just what buttons to push, reads me well enough to know what mood (kinky or sweet) I am in sex.

 

It happens to alot of people. I am not saying that one is better than the other, but I do believe over time that people evolve not just in their wisdom but in their beds too. And that is what we did. We evolved from lust crazed early 20 something young adults, to loving caring nearly 30 something adults. And over time we will become mid 30 adults, 40 something adults and so on. Correct me if I am wrong in what you were trying to get at.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with that. Its what separates, lust/love from true "in love". IMO.

 

Bottom line is, you have done the right, responsible thing. And you should be commended. I have seen post after post after post here where someone is trying to justify cheating or lying. You did neither. You took the problem and did the mature thing. It was very refreshing to see someone do the right thing, and I do believe there are many here proud of you for that.

 

Tonite, pat yourself on the back, feel proud that you did the right thing, roll over to your wife and tell her how much you love her, not only for the 20 years of marraige but for her understanding in this situation. You have a marraige I hope to have in another 15 years.

[lovinher 505]

I am having a hard time believing that the other spouse in this situation would not be hurt and/or threatened. Polyamory aside, are swingers somehow immune to this? Of course he did the right thing by calling it off and discussing it. I find it odd that nowhere in this thread does he mention how his wife feels or how he handled it with her, other than she knows.

[TNT 1,155]

Sleepless In NY said:

After parenthood & being very comfortable and in TRUE LOVE with each other we of course enjoy sex, but there is just #NoThING# that can describe what went on during these sessions. I don't think it's possible for two humans to have this kinda sex for 20 years...or even for more than six sessions.

 

I do think it's possible...the key is falling "In love/lust" with the same person time and time again.

 

Quote

anyone who expects this from a warm and loving marriage should be prepared to be disappointed.

 

Well...we're pushing 25 years of marriage and haven't been disappointed yet. We both recognize that yes, there have been times our sex/lust (never the love we have for each other) have waned at bit, mainly due to stresses that just come with life in general but...once those stresses have been dealt with (together), the lust we have for each other burst upon the scene again and we fall head over heels "in love" with each other all over again.

 

Maybe that's what real love is...knowing that that burning consuming flame can't be maintained at a constant level all the time (who the hell would ever get anything done if it did?).... but, by feeding the embers constantly and never letting them totally die out, the flame can be reignited at any moment and you're once again lost in the consuming fire of love and lust.

 

I applaud you for recognizing and dealing with the feelings you say you have for this other woman but...I do believe that it's possible to have/get back those same feelings for your wife.

 

Teresa

[Chicup 42]

lovinher said:

From our experience and my point of view this is bullshit. Hell of an attitude you have. Like I said I'd be worried and I feel sorry for her. So now you have scientific justification to make you feel better. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, how about trying to find that passion with your wife. That should be obvious.

 

Based on the tone of your posts, I'm guessing you have a personal ax to grind in this. It is the only way I can figure out the hostility here.

 

The guy fell for a swing partner, hes dealing with the only way he can, and he seems to be doing it well.

 

P.S. There is a scientific justification for everything. Understanding the biology behind your nature helps you deal with that nature. Its not an excuse for bad behavior, but it helps put it in the proper context.

[rpu3 630]

I find it odd that nowhere in this thread does he mention how his wife feels or how he handled it with her, other than she knows.

 

Not sure why it would be odd. The author was asking for help and commentary about HIS situation and HIS feelings.

 

As much as I love my spouse, I use this board as often as not to get help and perspective for myself, as I do for advice for both of us. If my husband has an opinion or a question, he knows where the computer is. Others may be similar in that regard, including the author.

 

While I may be curious about the wife's feelings and perspective, the bottom line is that that was not the pressing issue. Either the author may discuss his wife's feelings once his situation is more settled and he is feeling better about things, or his wife will post herself, if she is so inclined to even discuss HER feelings or perspective.

 

It certainly sounds like the author has done exactly what he should have done, and I for one hope those feelings and emotions are settling down and retreating to the more liveable perspective, and I thank him for openly discussing his feelings and perspective in this matter.

[lovinher 505]

Sleepless in NY asked for opinions and I gave him mine. Granted it wasn't all warm and fuzzy like some of the other posts but I'll stick to mine. He can take it or leave it. I guess I have a hard time with his view of love, lust in marriage because it is so foreign to us. Sure we have had plenty of ups and downs with love and lust but nobody can tell me I don't, or could never feel the extremes of both after 28yrs.

 

Reread some of his statements..

Quote

 

"me and the woman developed a romantic love connection"

"so many things in our condo remind me of her and it's so hard on me"

"I will never experience such a level of excitement as my encounters with this woman"

 

Never?...wow.

Jesus Christ just reread the OP.

Poor me the whole post.

 

I thought swinging was supposed to be an "us" thing. By reading all the advice on this board that seems to be the prevailing thought around here. It sure is for us.

 

So what about his wife? Can anybody say that they would not be threatened and/or hurt hearing this from a spouse? Yes, HE asked for help and that is what I am trying to do. IMHO, he needs to try and reconnect with his wife and find those feelings again that he longs so much for, if they are still in there somewhere. THAT will make him feel better. That is what we are talking about, right? We still hav'nt heard from him about his wife's feelings. If she is completely OK with it then I'm an idiot, OK? But they did cut it off, and for a reason. Could it be that it is NOT ok? Hmmm.

 

Chicup are you going to send me a bill for your psychoanalysis? If you want to take my kick in his ass as hostility then so be it. You are somewhat correct though..I have no respect for self pity for my own reasons not remotely related to this.

 

What advice was given here, besides "Oh, don't worry it will get better over time"...ya think? A scientific explanation? So now he understands the brain chemistry behind it. How did it help him?

 

So, yes, he has done all the right things so far. Now it's time to DO the right thing. Assuming he wants too. Simplistic maybe, but sometimes it's the best approach.

 

Good luck to you Sleepless In NY. Hope it all works out.

[Chicup 42]

lovinher said:

Chicup are you going to send me a bill for your psychoanalysis? If you want to take my kick in his ass as hostility then so be it. You are somewhat correct though..I have no respect for self pity for my own reasons not remotely related to this.

 

What advice was given here, besides "Oh, don't worry it will get better over time"...ya think? A scientific explanation? So now he understands the brain chemistry behind it. How did it help him?

 

So, yes, he has done all the right things so far. Now it's time to DO the right thing. Assuming he wants too. Simplistic maybe, but sometimes it's the best approach.

 

Gee if you have a 'quick' way to get over loving someone then please let the world know, because there are a lot of people out there who would just love to know your cure for a broken heart.

 

Do you think telling your wife 'Oh I really fell in love with her' is going to help anything out? It would be one thing if he was trying to cheat, but hes doing what needed to get over it, no reason to hurt his wife in the process. Maybe his wife will be fine with it, but it won't make anything better for him. Maybe she will be like most women, even swinging ones, and be hurt by it, and I find it somewhat selfish to hurt someone just so you can unburden your own conscience.

 

And knowing the brain chemistry does help, understanding why you have the feelings you do makes it easier to control them, at least it does for me.

[lovinher 505]

I believe his wife already knows. You don't think that changes things? So maybe she is already hurt. You seem to think she would be. That would be my guess too. THAT was my point! To brush off his wife's feelings would be a cold thing to do.

 

This was about him right? So if he wants to forget this once in a lifetime love/lust whatever you want to call it, why not at least give it a shot at home.

[lovinher 505]

Did I say it would be quick? Nice play on words to get your point across.

[Sleepless In NY 15]

hi all...

 

I want to thank you very much for some of the nice words in this thread and those who have PM'd me.... & you know who you are

 

I read the thread a lot today & been thinking about what to post. I'd like to thank lovinher for reminding me why i am a lurker and not a poster. I am certain his intention was sincere... and I hope to aspire to have a marriage and sex life like him one day. Every ounce of science I read agreed on what is going on in my noggin. Maybe some brains are designed different than the people in the research and mine too.

 

For the majority of you who are concerned: I am feeling b.e.t.t.e.r. because time heals and the doom is passing. I am grateful for everything i learned these weeks. Thank you for the compassion and advice for dealing with my horrible emotions after a strange swinger-experience gone bad.Tthank you for the help. Too bad some of the posts here left a terrible taste in my mouth and it is back to lurking-only for me.

 

fyi- the wife was out of town when this broke & we talked on the cell for 5 hours 1 day and 4 hours the next day. My conversations are not relevant here. It was the wife that led me to a lot of the science background and learning that all helped a lot. lovinher...as a favor to me the o.p.- please let the thread die. I know you want to help but your posts all made me.... and a lot of our swingersboard.com friends...feel worse.

[Funcpl647 15]

Sleepless In NY said:

Anyone who can capture the feeling of rapture yearning surrender and passion with the same person for more than a year must write a book.... I will fly them to JFK to teach me.

 

Send the tickets. I'll be thrilled to write your book, but most people won't read it.

 

We know first hand what you are talking about. Only we made the opposite choice, painful as it was at the time. We are eleven years and counting (and praying for 100 more.) Everything - our love, our sex, our marriage, our relationship, our communication, our lust, and our passion for each other just keep getting better and better and stronger and stronger. Plus, our children were able to grow up watching and learning from two people that truly loved each other.

 

We made the cake...and are still eating it. In big, sweet mouthfuls.