Is it possible for a single, older straight male to find interested couples or single

[irishbrian 15]

That's a question, is there someone for everyone in the swing scene or are some profiles real hard to get started?

 

I am brand new to this whole scene, I am planning to go to my first swing party this Saturday, yikes. I am a single 55 year old male who had been sexually starved in a bad marriage and I am now determined to catch up on a missed life. However I see that it seems quite difficult for a single, older straight male to find interested couples or singles for that matter.

 

Any advice on this and on what I should expect come Saturday would be much appreciated.

 

Brian

[Miss_Piggy 98]

Well, let's just get this one out of the way right off the bat...

 

Is your sex starved marriage now over?

 

If yes, then let my start by apologizing for even coming close to making such an assumption. (We tend to have a bit of a problem with married, single men.)

 

Of course there are people out there who are interested in single men. There are people out there interested in all sorts of much crazier things. That being said, there are some challenges associated with your position. There is already a lot of good advise around here for single men trying to get into swinging.

[irishbrian 15]

Yes.

 

Brian

[Chicup 42]

If your problem is you are sex starved then swinging is not going to be a happy place for you.

 

Even as a couple you don't really get 'more' sex. Its different, its fun, but its not more.

 

Unless you are in great shape, are a great talker, or have no standards I think you are going to be disapointed.

 

I think you would be much better served spending your time and money at a upscale bar if you are looking for sex. They tend to be middle aged meat markets and I'd think you would have a much better chance of finding someone in that situation.

[Tia Vampire 167]

Irishbrian i see that you live in kissimmee, that is about a hour in a half from where i'm going to tell you about. The place where we frequent, it is mostly an older crowd. everone is very friendly and even as a new person there, you may get lucky.There are both single woman, single men, and couples there. i think you will fit right in. it is calle the fantacy house. e- mail me and i'll give you directions. i don't knowif you are allowed to do that on the board posts. Good luck and hope you have fun.

[irishbrian 15]

Just wondered if you were trying to be rude and crude or if that just comes naturally? I came here being honest and open about my current situation if I just wanted sex well I can always hire it can't I. So whoever you are got over yourself and learn some manners, you don't know me I do not frequent bars I don't drink as an ex 24 year military man I am in very good shape and I am also very very amusing and intelligent. Think I can do better than middle aged meat markets!!!

 

Brian

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If your problem is you are sex starved then swinging is not going to be a happy place for you.

 

Even as a couple you don't really get 'more' sex. Its different, its fun, but its not more.

 

Unless you are in great shape, are a great talker, or have no standards I think you are going to be disapointed.

 

I think you would be much better served spending your time and money at a upscale bar if you are looking for sex. They tend to be middle aged meat markets and I'd think you would have a much better chance of finding someone in that situation.

[lovinher 505]

I think as you do more reading around here you will find Chicup was being neither rude or crude. Makes perfect sense to me.

[Chicup 42]

Just wondered if you were trying to be rude and crude or if that just comes naturally? I came here being honest and open about my current situation if I just wanted sex well I can always hire it can't I. So whoever you are got over yourself and learn some manners, you don't know me I do not frequent bars I don't drink as an ex 24 year military man I am in very good shape and I am also very very amusing and intelligent. Think I can do better than middle aged meat markets!!!

 

Brian

 

I don't think there is anything 'better' about a swing club than a bar if you are a single guy. At a swing club you are just a sex toy for the few couples that might be willing to let you join in.

 

I wasn't rude or crude, I'm telling you like it is and you will soon find out.

[Amanda69 24]

Just wondered if you were trying to be rude and crude or if that just comes naturally? I came here being honest and open about my current situation if I just wanted sex well I can always hire it can't I. So whoever you are got over yourself and learn some manners, you don't know me I do not frequent bars I don't drink as an ex 24 year military man I am in very good shape and I am also very very amusing and intelligent. Think I can do better than middle aged meat markets!!!

 

Brian

 

But why are you choosing a swinging event to obtain more sex? Maybe that is the part of this that is sticking in the throat of some of the posters. Chicup is right in that we don't get "more" sex it is just different. We involve others in our sex life which increases (if it is ideal) our attraction and our pleasure with our partners.

 

Hell if I (female) just wanted more sex I would go to a singles bar anyday.

 

The choice to involve yourself in swinging should not be about "more sex" once you realize this maybe you will make a great additional "toy" to the many couples in the lifestyle.

[prettylady 221]

I think IrishBrian, just happened to make the point that his former life was less then what he would have liked. Sex staved just happened to be one point of contension. (?spelling). This board is full of sex talk and open honest discussion. I think our new friend was looking for some friends to support him in his new life.

I too am new here Irish and I have misunderstood good advice for an attack. Chicup has great advice and pulls few punches while deliving them (that was ment to be a complimant). Honesty, however harsh, is the backbone of this group. Please take what you hear with a grain of salt and understand this. If you are insulted let it be know and like they did just before me they stated their point again with more cushion.

I am sorry your marriage did not work out. You never know were you will find your soul mate and swing partner. I found my in a fitness center, I didn't know anything about swinging and he was worried I would think of him as a freak.

There is another post somewhere here that says if you word an online dating ad the right way you could attrack the right woman for you. We "alternate" lifestylers seem to have a code way of talking and with the right wording you could find her.

I hope you stay on with us.

Your friend,

Prettylady

[Tia Vampire 167]

I took my friend to a swing house for the first time. She has now been dating this guy she met there for about a month. He was looking for a nice woman that was already in the life- style. So to answer your question irish, yes there is someone out there for everyone.

[Chicup 42]

I took my friend to a swing house for the first time. She has now been dating this guy she met there for about a month. He was looking for a nice woman that was already in the life- style. So to answer your question irish, yes there is someone out there for everyone.

 

I once hit an inside straight playing poker with my friends.

 

Its still not a good bet.

[good times 991]

I have to say that I agree with the others for the most part. As a regular club attendee I can tell you that most of the time single males come to the club, sit around at the bar for a while, and then go home. It is true that once in a while they get lucky and get invited to play but like Chicup said, they would get a lot more action at a singles bar than a swingers club. If you read a bit in the singles forum you will quickly find that the reason for this is that the supply of single males in the lifestyle is far greater than the demand for them. As an example, our regular club allows six single males per night. They each pay $50.00 per night to attend the club (couples pay $30.00 per week). In the last six months I have only seen two nights that more than two single males got invited to play with anyone. On the two nights when they all got to play it was when one woman came and did them all in a gang-bang type of setting. So, while I would never say that a single male shouldn't attend the clubs if that is what they want to do. I would recomend they go with no expectations, because, their isn't always someone for everybody even if you are a couple, but even less so if you are a single male.

[curiousagain 326]

Irish, as a single male in your age group, I have to back what chiccup said in his first post. It's supply and demand, simple as that. He wasn't being rude, just brutally honest and you need that right now.

 

Let me preface a comment with the warning that what I am about to say is not an attack, it's not rude, it's just plain advice coming from someone who has been a SM for about 5 years and about 3 of them in the lifestyle.

 

If you aren't the kind of guy for whatever reason that can walk in a bar and pick up someone on any given night, you're going to be very disappointed in the lifestyle. If you are that kind of guy, you're still going to find it 10 times more likely to "get lucky" on the singles scene than in the lifestyle, remember the supply and demand thing? After all of that, you still have to "get it" as far as the lifestyle and the role the single male plays in it to stay in the lifestyle and enjoy it.

 

My advice is to date, enjoy other parts of your life, and if you want pursue the lifestle as just a little something you enjoy doing occasionally. You may meet someone in the lifestyle and become part of a couple, but as has been stated, that's not the way to bet. Of course, you could meet someone outside of the lifestyle then become swingers together. I dare say most of the couples on here began that way.

 

Good luck

[Thrax 384]

I agree with a lot that has been posted in this thread, but depending on how mature you are -- and we all know that age does not necessarily indicate maturity -- you might be able to make your foray into swinging work as a supplement to your "regular" sex life.

 

So now I will bore you with a long post.

 

I decided to test the lifestyle about six years ago. I was 44 and just out of a long-term relationship that had sort of fizzled out. I thought my "vanilla" dating and relationships for the previous 20+ years had included a reasonable amount of freakiness here and there (role-playing, handcuffs and feathers, toys, food, etc. -- I'm gettin' a little excited about some of the memories now! ) but I had never been in an FMF, MFM, orgy, exhibitionistic and some other situations. Those scenarios intrigued me.

 

So, in addition to getting back into the regular one-on-one dating scene at that time, early 2000, I started reading what I could find about swinging. I thought that since I wasn't in a committed relationship, I could explore some wilder things. I did a LOT of searching on the Web. It would have been nice to have a resource like this Board available, but regardless I did find a lot of articles about the lifestyle. Lots of masturbation material ( yeah, so?), but also some good advice on what to expect and what a single male should and should not do.

 

I finally got up the nerve to attend some clubs in my area. I lucked out. My first visit I played with a couple and then a single female. Over the next year-and-a-half/two years I visited clubs about 10 times and played every time but one. Lots of firsts: First time screwing in front of other people, first MFM, first FMF (involving being tied up to a St. Andrews Cross at one point), first orgy situation, first DP, etc. Lots of stuff I couldn't do in my "vanilla" dating. So, I got to try a lot of interesting and fun things that I would not otherwise get to try, so I think it was a good choice to try the lifestyle, even as a single male.

 

In the last few years, I've joined some Yahoo Groups devoted to swinging and went to a lot of swinger meet-and-greets, picnics, and house parties. Frankly, I got to play only about 50% of the time at these events, but since I don't expect to get laid every time, I'm still having fun. I treat these events as parties and if something extra occurs, then bully for me. Besides, in most cases I reveal myself as an okay guy -- or at least that's what people think -- so even when I don't get to play at events I have couples, and in one case a single woman, contact me for a later meeting. So, I have some innocent, flirty fun. And it's advertising.

 

Most of it has been fun. However, like curiousagain, I view this activity as a supplement to my regular sex life. I really would still like to find the "one", but as long as I'm not in an exclusive relationship, I'll dabble in the lifestyle.

 

So, if you're going to pursue this, realize that, first of all, the odds are really against you. At the singles bar many of the available females are looking for an available male (or that's what they say ). In SwingWorld most couples are NOT looking for a single male, and damn few single females are. Since there are usually limits on single males in swing settings, if you get in you have a chance, but in that venue there are also fewer couples or single females looking to hook up with you. So the odds are against you. And unlike the vanilla world, where you can often move from one singles bar to another, there usually aren't that many swing clubs to visit...and the entry fees are higher.

 

The other thing is the dynamic of the singles bar vs. the swing club. In the singles bar a single male is expected to be reasonably aggressive: coming on to a woman, buying her drinks, chatting her up, etc. Your aim is to let her know that you are the Alpha male that she should want to leave with. So, you try to dress well, have good hygiene, show you can carry a conversation (if you can be heard above the music), and you are flush enough to buy drinks.

 

However, at the swing club, you should be trying to prove that you are NOT the Alpha male in the potential sex situation, but the male whom the Alpha female is interested in and the Alpha male is okay with. Consequently, you must spark some interest in the woman while engaging the hubby/male SO as a friend/ally. Basically, you're trying to tell this couple that you are socially capably, can deliver the goods sexually, but you're not interested in impinging on their relationship. They're looking for the that extra erection, and maybe you can provide it. So, you still have to dress well, be in good shape, follow good hygiene, be able to carry a conversation, etc. Yeah, it's a little different from the singles scene. More like tap dancing in a minefield. You're dealing with TWO people you have to woo (regardless of whether you want to have sex with just her or with both of them).

 

You say you are 55 y.o. Unless you are an arrogant S.O.B. you probably can have some fun in the lifestyle if you use your experience and stand back, evaluate the situation, and see how swinging differs from the vanilla lifestyle. And I feel that dabbling in the swinging world will most likely enhance your overall sex life. However, I caution against making it your target. A hobby, yes, but for a single male it isn't much of a true lifestyle.

 

I know this post is too long and I've probably forgotten many things I wanted to say, and said some things wrong, but feel free to ask questions if I haven't been clear on my experiences or thoughts.

 

Thrax

[intuition897 2,179]

Great posts from our well-spoken single guys! IrishBrian, you've gotten some really good advice here. They really hit the nail on the head.

[irishbrian 15]

Yes thank you Thrax that was very infromative and I am sorry Chicup if I got you wrong it was the "meat market" connotation that pushed my button! I in fact now have a fairly active "vanilla" sex life as I have gotten to know a few ladies recently. I am not an arrogant guy I am a very very funny amusing and intelligent man with immaculate hygene habits who most of the opposite sex fine very attractive especially my sense of humor and intelligence. Not all about looks and I have to say that I do find a great emphasis on looks in this lifestyle. Cut bodies, tans, but surley there has to be more to attraction than that? I am proprtionate for my age and height I am closer to 6' and large upper body very muscular legs from years of running and weights. So I suppose if I went to bars I might be able to pick up some dates but my feeling is that the bar scene is mostly quite young because I don't go there of course I could be way off on tha observation.

 

I am on a couple of Swinger sites now and today I got an invitation from someone local and she is into the swing scene a lot and in fact works at a couple of the local swing clubs. She has offered to go with me as a partner to help me through the door so to speak and show me the ropes and that is fantastic just what I was looking for. She also has a male friend that if I wnat we can bring along so it looks like I am on the way and I am getting pretty excited here thinking about it. Thanks everyone for the advice and I will come back and let you know how things progress and perhaps bounce some stuff of off you as I find my way.

 

Brian

[UCONN Keith 15]

Irish Bryan,

 

Be careful, my friend, with regard to allowing yourself to feel insulted if you think a remark is sarcastic. As a "solo" (as opposed to being a single)male, you will encounter a great deal of stereotypical comments, attacks, insults and the like from others that feel "swinging" is a "purest" activity. Than, in and of itself, I find a hilarious notion to begin with but it is the way it is...

 

Now, as to the question at hand, yes - there is someone (often a few) for everyone. Regardless of your race, nationality, gender, relationship status.

 

It will go seemingly slow at first but the best advice I can offer - as someone who has been involved in swinging as BOTH a member of a married couple (for the purists) and as a solo male - is that you need to post! Post frequently! Post everywhere! Join discussions, threads. Don't only comment on those that are sexual or swinging related in nature but all the others as well. This would include the non-swinging advice column, general life questions column and all the others. This will give everyone, that may be interested, an idea of "who" you really are. What you think and feel about other issues, what you may have in common, what other activities you could enjoy, etc...

 

Also, make sure to write a very detailed, descriptive profile and introduction posting (in Introduction Forum). This will help greatly too! Explain - openly - what your current marriage is like, why you are looking (if it's for replacement of sexual intimacy, then fine! Who are we/they to judge you?)

 

Try joining and posting on other "Personals" sites as well. I know that the vast majority don't cater to "Solo Males" yet you will find those that are accepting on these sites anyway.

 

There are, contrary to popular opinion, many sites that actually remain free! (yes, there are still those that intend to treat their lifestyle as something other than a source of income...) Do some searches for "Mature" sites. This will eliminate a vast majority of the younger crowd that are always seemingly in some sort of emotional quandary over actually meeting or simply browsing.

 

Most importantly, ask yourself what you are looking for and why - regardless of what others think. Be true to thy own self and everything else should fall into place - eventually.

 

As for single bars - yes, they are great sources of finding casual, non-committal sex yet maybe that isn't what you want? Only you know.....

 

As I have said in a previous posting or two (regarding "swinging" and solo males), sometime, other "purest swingers" don't understand that you/they may be seeking the emotional intimacy that comes from being open enough to "swing"...... Perhaps if your wife was interested in swinging, in would have put a whole new twist on your current relationship? Not just sexual but in regard to understanding each others emotional needs and communication styles as well..... Just a thought.

 

I wish you good luck! I have confidence that, with a little persistence, you WILL find someone to experience the lifestyle with.......

 

I commend you on being brave enough to ask this question! Good job!

[Chicup 42]

It will go seemingly slow at first but the best advice I can offer - as someone who has been involved in swinging as BOTH a member of a married couple (for the purests) and as a solo male - is that you need to post! Post frequently! Post everywhere! Join discussions, threads. Don't only comment on those that are sexual or swinging related in nature but all the others as well. This would include the non-swinging advice column, general life questions column and all the others. This will give everyone, that may be interested, an idea of "who" you really are. What you think and feel about other issues, what you may have in common, what other activities you could enjoy, etc...

 

I'm not so sure this is the best way. On LL its almost gotten comical with single males doing 'look at me!' posts, posting in every thread, starting new threads constantly, its rather obvious attention whoring.

 

The 'successful' single guys there post, but not for the sake of posting, and tend to be good looking and respectful.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I'm not so sure this is the best way. On LL its almost gotten comical with single males doing 'look at me!' posts, posting in every thread, starting new threads constantly, its rather obvious attention whoring.

 

The 'successful' single guys there post, but not for the sake of posting, and tend to be good looking and respectful.

 

I'd say it's the same with the successful single guys here as well. Those who join in and actually have something to say become accepted fast and often we forget they are even single or what their status is, we just know we like them and their attitudes from their posts. Others however come in and feel the need to pos to everything regardless of whether or not they have something to add. Those people (whether single or not) will probably find that their posts are more often passed over than read.

[irishbrian 15]

Thanks Keith, I appreciated your candor there in that post, I have to be perfectly honest and state that I feel the same way I mean what I am starting to pick up as I spend more and more time on the so far two swinger web sites I am subscribed to is what I can only describe, and please don't jump all over me here, as a high degree of arrogance with many of the 'couples". I have been very respectful and written nice introduction emails to some couples who I made sure had "single males" in their profiles. I was only asking could we purchance meet up so I can get to know you guys learn about the lifestyle get some party intros etc. I was not asking to party with them directly if that was not on their cards I was simply trying to get to know people.

 

In the vast majority of replies all I got was the quick flip off sorry your profile is not compatible with us right now? Well OK but why that is the sort of question I need answered, is it because I did not put up some X rated pics of myself, or do you consider me too old even though your profile included my age group? Just getting the brush off when I made an open and non commital approach to them seemed, well as stated arrogant. Anyway as I said in my last post I have been very fortunate in meeting this YOUNG yeah so I can't be all that bad. LOL. Young lady who has a LOT of experience in the swing lifestyle and after a great telephone conversation today I hope to meet up with her soon and be on my way.

 

I raelly really do appreciate how open and helpful all you guys have been and I will try to get in here more often and participate more as I am very good communicator and love being involved in forums. So it only reamins for you guys to wish me luck, me to take my Viagara and it's off to the races. LOL

 

 

Brian

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

...I am starting to pick up...a high degree of arrogance with many of the 'couples". I have been very respectful and written nice introduction emails to some couples who I made sure had "single males" in their profiles. I was only asking could we purchance meet up so I can get to know you guys, learn about the lifestyle, get some party intros etc. I was not asking to party with them directly if that was not on their cards I was simply trying to get to know people.

 

In the vast majority of replies all I got was the quick flip off sorry your profile is not compatible with us right now? Well OK but why[?], that is the sort of question I need answered, is it because I did not put up some X rated pics of myself, or do you consider me too old even though your profile included my age group? Just getting the brush off when I made an open and non commital approach to them seemed, well as stated arrogant.

 

Brian

Brian ~

 

Here are a couple of points I'd like to share.

 

It is not just single males that receive a short reply of "we don't feel we are compatible." That is the No. 1 reply that all swingers receive IF the people are courteous enough to reply. "Not compatible" is the reason we send out. It is the BEST type of reply in my view because I don't want to tell people why we are rejecting them. I don't want to know why they are not interested in us, and for this reason I prefer the "not compatible" reply.

 

Do you really want to know that you are being rejected because of your looks? Or because your are "too old" in their view? Or because they feel you want to use them only to get to parties (which I'll address later)? Or because they don't like the way you said something in your profile? If people start telling you why, you will become defensive and want to argue with them, you may try to change their minds, you may feel angry because you think their judgement of you is inaccurate. I hope you can see my point. Getting rejected is part of the Lifestyle. If your skin isn't thick enough to handle it then swinging isn't for you. You can't take rejection personally and survive as a swinger.

 

Regarding your introductory note to the couple, stating that you were hoping they could get you "some party intros," could be a big part of why they turned you down. If you contacted us saying you were hoping we'd introduce you to some parties, we'd feel you wanted to use us; that you were looking for a "free pass" to parties we attend. This may not have been your intent when you sent that note to those people, but I'm trying to help you see how they may have interpreted your message and why you were rejected.

 

Another thought, this couple may not want to meet single males who are just starting out. You want to learn about swinging and talk to more experienced swingers, maybe they don't like playing with newbies. Maybe that's why they used the word "now" in their reply, suggesting that maybe at some future time they will be interested in reconsidering.

 

LM

[irishbrian 15]

Well LM I suppose you could be correct there on all counts and the rejections did not offend me I am confident enough in my looks and personality to not let that get to me. OK so I suppose I certainly did not understand that asking more experienced local swingers to help me or introduce me to the scene would be viewed as "using them". Sorry but that is just once again an example to me of a very very stand off type of attitude which honestly baffles the life out of me after all we are talking about fun people, party people, sexually emancipated people here right? I wonder how they all got along when they started out in this lifestyle, I have already said that I made it clear to them that I was not necessarily trying to party with them directly if they did not want that. I mean that's a given for goodness sake it's almost akin to an actor trying to break into Hollywood or something every directoe rejects them because they do not have enough acting experience but DUH, how are they ever going to get that experience?

 

Thanks anyway I appreciate the input and I will act accordingly.

 

Brian

[good times 991]

OK so I suppose I certainly did not understand that asking more experienced local swingers to help me or introduce me to the scene would be viewed as "using them".

I don't think it is viewed as "using them" so much as it is just not what most of us are looking for Brian. Most of the experienced swingers that I know are looking for people to hook up with to have some fun. When somebody approaches us, we are really only interested in whether we are all sexually compatible or not. I don't know anybody who is looking to be someone’s mentor or tour guide, so to speak. I will have to admit that if someone were to approach us as you did we would probably just automatically send them the "sorry, not compatible" response, because, frankly, we are really only interested in hooking up with people for play.

 

Sorry but that is just once again an example to me of a very very stand off type of attitude which honestly baffles the life out of me after all we are talking about fun people, party people, sexually emancipated people here right?

Actually, I would say most of us are just like any other regular people you would meet on the street except for the fact that we occasionally like to have recreational sex with others. This does bring up a good point though, and that is that I do believe it is true that some experienced swingers do shy away from newbie’s. I think the reason for this is that experienced swingers usually know what they want or are looking for when hooking up with others, which is often not the case with newbie’s. Frankly, for lack of a better way to say it, many experienced swingers have found that newbie’s are usually more work than fun. On the other hand, if the newbie single or couple approaches the experienced swinger, and it is apparent that they have thought out what they want, it usually isn't a problem.

 

Therefore, I would assume that the negative response you are getting could be alleviated somewhat by a change in your approach. I think that what LM said is right on, and by using the approach that you have been, you are getting more rejections than you would with a more positive and focused approach that emphasizes what your interests are and what you are looking for in your play partners.

[john67a 20]

Hi Brian, if I know anything about the Irish then I am sure you have kissed the Blarney Stone and have all the charm and gift of the gab so just use it and go for it.