Talking to kids about swinging.

[bill&sabrina 22]

This really got me thinking this morning.

 

Funcpl647 said:

Never, never, never would we involve our kids. We view this as strictly adult time. Time for us. Their safety is an issue of course, but I have never met a child (or young adult) that could wrap their mind around the fact that their parents have sex with other people. Kids just aren't equipped to handle it.

 

It was an answer to a question in this thread: Children at first meets between couples

 

I didn't want to hijack that thread and steer it in another direction, so here are my thoughts.

 

It occurred to me that swingers have unknowingly opened a Pandora's box, that they have been loathe to even admit existed. Talking to our kids about swinging. I personally see doing so as a chance to improve the worlds view of swinging. I get to teach 2 people that swinging isn't inherently bad, and can in fact be a very rewarding experience. Unless you totally isolate your kids, what is swinging is going to be a topic of discussion. Sadly I don't have much faith that swingers will be "open" and "honest" enough to make the best of this chance. Thoughts?

[Amanda69 24]

Sadly I don't have much faith that swingers will be "open" and "honest" enough to make the best of this chance.

 

Not sure what choosing to share with your children (depending on their ages) has to do with being "open" and "honest". There are simply some things that are appropriate to share with your children (depending on age) and some things that aren't. While ideally we all educated our children about sex I certainly hope we don't all share whatever kinks, fetishes etc.

 

As an adult if my daughter came to me to ask about swinging and whether or not I was involved I would then choose to disclose and have an "adult" discussion about it.

 

Children are wonderful creatures however for most of them if you say something is a secret, they are even more likely to go tell someone else about it. Wouldn't you just love a call from the school about how your son or daughter decided to share your lifestyle choice to the class???

[lovinher 505]

Jeeeze...talk to my kids about swinging? I don't talk our about vanilla sex life with them let alone swinging!

Now if they found out that we were into this then I'd have some explaining to do. But otherwise...no way.

[bill&sabrina 22]

Not sure what choosing to share with your children (depending on their ages) has to do with being "open" and "honest".

 

From what I have read on here, I believe most swingers are going to change the subject, and lie if need be. Which isn't "open" or "honest". That is very confusing to me, since both are held in such high regard among swingers.

[CB_n_Red 16]

We didn't lie when our youngest (at the age of 21) asked us if we were swingers. Told her and that was that. It seems she had been putting two and two together for quite some time. Curiosity satisfied, she hasn't mentioned it again. No embarrassment for anyone.

 

On the other hand, discussing sex was never taboo in our house so that probably helped. It also helped make sure none of our kids got pregnant/got someone else pregnant accidentally.

 

Just the two penn'orth of a pair of rather liberal Europeans.....

 

CB

[Chip_n_Muffy 16]

Harrrummmmph!!!!! I want to know were it says I have an obligation to tell everyone everything about my life! Is it a good idea to tell children things that might damage their relationship with you? Confuse them? Force them to view you as outside the norms of society? The term "brutally honest" puts too much emphasis on "brutal" I fear. Why would any rational person do that to their kids?

[havefuninsun 122]

There are a lot of issues I don't find necessary to discuss with kids. I don't discuss my personal finances (it's not of their business what I make a year, what the mortgage is, etc.). My kids don't meet all of my friends (and I'm talking the vanilla kind). And I agree with some of the above statements: there is no way to understand something that they have no experience in, like swinging.

 

Example: when my father passed away and my mother started dating again, my 12 year old sister at the time could not get her head around how mom could possibly want to be with someone else since she loved my dad. I was grown; I completely understood and encouraged her to get out and date. How do you explain such adult emotions and concepts to a child?

 

And its hypocritical in my book to preach to your child to wait to have sex for a variety of reasons (disease, pregnancy ... not to mention MATURITY! I'm certainly not excited about the fact that my 15 year old son could be), and then be seen as acting very irresponsibly in a lot of eyes.

 

Bottom line: I think it's a bad idea to talk to your kids about swinging. I'm not even sure if I'd want to know if my OWN mother was a swinger! (hahaha)

[tribbles 490]

So it's not the not telling others but the LYING about it, right?

 

I don't think kids should be told but adult children, why not?

[NandTfromCA 84]

I don't see any reason to "tell" anyone. But if someone "asks" about it, we will give try and give them an honest response tailored to their age and perspective.

 

If someone is old enough to ask "do you have sex with..." then they are probably old enough to get a honest response.

 

When it comes to kids, it will more likely be a 13 year old asking something like "why do you have so many friends?" or "You sure get dressed up and go out alot more than Jane's parents". In that case, it's easy to say that it's because we are just very social people. True, yet not TMI.

 

Mr.

[ohash01 20]

I don't have children, but I was raised in a household where it was okay to talk about sex and relationship problems and all that stuff. Back then, I was creeped out. More than I care to remember. But now...I'm grateful. I haven't accidentally gotten pregnant. I've been able to better weigh my decisions on who to sleep with and who not to. Once I hit 15 my mom went "Look...you'll be driving soon...I can't keep an eye on you 24/7...there will be boys...I won't be mad if you decide you want to have sex, but please please tell me so we can make you safer and smarter." She kept her promise and I kept mine.

 

Now...onto the talking about swinging. I can picture my little brother (who is 21 now) sticking his fingers in his ears and going "LALALA!"...because that's what he always did. There are some things that I just don't think kids want to hear about. It's gross knowing that your parents have sex once you know what that is. It's probably even grosser if they're having sex with other people.

 

I think if I have kids, once they got older (I'm talking 18+) and learned what discretion was and if they asked me, I'd tell them. I don't think I'd sit them down and have "the swinger talk". I don't think I'd drop the swing-bomb over dinner. But if they asked, yes, I'd be honest. If they were younger, it'd be change of subject time or time to use a gentle ommittance of the truth. "Oh them? They're just very nice people. Daddy and I like spending time with them." No lies there!

[lovinher 505]

Our kids already know we have sex...trust me. But they don't need to know details. Omitting the details is not lying or that we are not open about sex in general.

[Chicup 41]

I have to say the last thing I would have wanted to hear as a kid was that my parents were swingers.

 

MAYBE after college (long before we were swingers) I woulda been ok with knowing, but thinking of your mom getting it on with random guys at a pre-adult age would have been somewhat traumatic.

[bill&sabrina 22]

I must apologize for leaving out a very important part of my post. I think that because swinging is a somewhat popular topic of public debate, parents are going to be asked what it is, followed by being asked if you do it. Very sorry to omit this.

[ShellyM 0]

It occurred to me that swingers have unknowingly opened a pandora's box, that they have been loathe to even admit existed. Talking to our kids about swinging. I personally see doing so as a chance to improve the worlds view of swinging. I get to teach 2 people that swinging isn't inherently bad, and can in fact be a very rewarding experience. Unless you totally isolate your kids, what is swinging is going to be a topic of discussion. Sadly I don't have much faith that swingers will be "open" and "honest" enough to make the best of this chance. Thoughts?

 

I see your point, and I think in theory it is a good thing. However, I think you can teach your children about love and healthy relationships just by loving each other. Jay and I are very loving in front of our children. We hold hands, we kiss each other (in a manner appropriate to be done in front of our babies), we tell each other that we love each other. I agree 100% that honesty is the best thing for children, but it has to be child appropriate. I am not going to tell my 4 year old that mommy and daddy like to "love" other people. So, IMO I feel that simply loving each other in front of the children is enough.

[Mr. Truelove 81]

Vanilla sex and Swinging are two very very different animals.

 

First of all, until my children reach adulthood my goal is to keep them as safe as I can. And when it comes down to it, swinging is risky. Pregnancy, STD's, etc. It all can happen. And that's not even getting into Social impact.

 

For me to show them that I do this would be detrimental to how carefully they make these decisions as they grow into adulthood. And that's the point. I want them to make their decisions rationally, when they are old enough to realize the full impact that they will have.

 

To me it's like telling your kid you smoked pot. My dad did that, and him telling me that had a major influence on me trying it. "my dad did it and he turned out ok..."

 

Well, now that I am an adult, I regret having done it. And I wish instead of telling me he did it, that he told me that it's wrong and I shouldn't. I didn't need to try it early, and I could have tried it later. And now it's interfering with the profession I would really love to do.

 

Adults have all the time in the world to make risky decisions in life, why should I encourage my children to take risky lifestyles before they are mature enough to do so on their own. If I tell my children about it early, then they think that casual sex is ok. And typically, for younger people, having many partners can be detrimental. (High school).

 

Well, that's my reasoning. And I'm not even going to touch the Social impact that it would have on me and possibly them.

[intuition897 2,179]

This is a good discussion!

 

I have to agree with those who said they don't feel they need to tell anyone anything about the very personal goings on between a husband and wife. I have two kids, and my 11 year old is one sharp little cookie. She got the birds and the bees talk around 9 years old, and she's WELL on her way to puberty (lets just say we can tell she's going to be built like her momma). S-E-X is pretty interesting stuff to her right now. She happened to notice the title of this message board once, and asked what it meant (oh boy, here we go ). I told her it was an adult discussion board. What did we discuss? Like I said, it's an adult discussion board, so I told her that it was not suitable for her; the topics were too mature for her age, so do NOT read over my shoulder please. "Let me guess, it's about SEX, right?" [embarrassed huff and rolling of the eyes]. Yes, I told her, it is. Why did I read that stuff then? I told her it's because I enjoy talking to other adults about it, and I found it fascinating. One of these days, though, she's going to look up the word "swinger" and figure some shit out. NOT looking forward to that.

 

I think the reason we keep it from our kids - aside from it being our own personal business and not something that they can yet understand - is that if we brought them up thinking that swinging was the most perfectly normal thing in the world, then they would have to deal with about 99% of the rest of the population out there who don't understand it. This would just isolate them from everyone else. We don't want that. We want them to learn to function as productive individuals in society. We want them to learn how to get along with other people. THIS is much more important than learning at an early age that there's more to life than the good old standard monogamous marriage. What on earth does a 9 year old need to worry about marriage and adult relationships for? They just need to learn how to get along with people. And if they go back to Grandma's house and in their innocently off-handed 9-year-old way drop the word "swinger", there's gonna be a problem.

 

Nah, I'd rather just let them learn it when it's relevant to them. And in the meantime, we'll just focus on teaching them that sex is not a bad thing, and neither is love. For now, we're just focusing on giving them strong character and the skills for living an abundant and fruitful life.

[bill&sabrina 22]

Mr. Truelove said:

To me it's like telling your kid you smoked pot. My dad did that, and him telling me that had a major influence on me trying it. "my dad did it and he turned out ok..."

 

Well, now that I am an adult, I regret having done it. And I wish instead of telling me he did it, that he told me that it's wrong and I shouldn't. I didn't need to try it early, and I could have tried it later. And now it's interfering with the profession I would really love to do.

 

Comparing something that is illegal to something that is not, is apples and oranges. Second it's sad for someone to admit they can't find enough strength to accomplish a goal. Pot can be hard to quit, but it isn't so bad that people whore themselves out to get money to buy it. At least I have never heard of a "potwhore".

[prettylady 221]

I want my kids to grow up with a healthy outlook on sex. They are 8 and 7 right now and all they know right now is that Mommy and Dog love each other and that is why we hug and kiss. The same for their father and his girl friend. Sex questions are answered open and honest. But if they asked what I like to do in bed, I would be telling them that is between Dog and I.

 

I don't ever want sex to be taboo in my home. I was taught sex was for marriage and procreation. I didn't enjoy sex much while I was married. To be honest, it was terrible. It wasn't until I hooked up with Dog did I learn to appreciate how great sex really is. I also found out that even though my parents were preaching to me to be a "good girl" they were freaks in the bedroom. This confused me something awful, I should ask them why they did that someday, but for now I will let it go.

 

I want my kids to have a great sex life....someday.

 

We say talk talk and more talk makes a great sex life within a marriage and the lifestyle. Why not talk to your kids. Help prepare them for a great sex life. Perhaps this will ease some of the pitfalls of becoming sexually mature.

 

Let me just repeat this one statement "SOMEDAY" when they are very much older.

 

I was having my first child at 16. This is not an issue I want either of my kids to face. Take the curiosity out of sex and they (hopefully) wont be to eager to seek it out to early.

[WesternSwing 504]

I think most kids don't want to acknowledge that their parents have sex together much less with other people. They know we have sex, but they don't need the details of how we do it, together or with others.

 

Swinging is not a subject I'd bring up to my kids. We have a 15, 12, and4 year old and we are very open about sex with them (much to the chagrin of the 12-year old ) in the hopes they can be open with us about being sexually active. We don't hide the fact that we have sex as husband and wife - Mrs. WS and I are very physical anyway, always hugging and kissing. I think if they asked point-blank, we would be honest with them. If they don't ask than we will leave well enough alone. We won't volunteer this information to them. We feel this way we are not living a lie or being dishonest with them. Like NandTfromCA said, if they are old enough to ask the question, the are old enough to get an honest answer. But if they don't ask...

 

My parents never told me they were, but I figured it out when Mrs. WS and I started swinging. Well, I think more to the point my parents had an open relationship. Now I recognize the signs. Back then there was just a male "friend" at the house when I got home from school. Does it matter now? No. Would it have confused me then? Yes. So we'll leave the details of our private life private.

[2inVT 122]

We don't discuss our sex life with our children - who are now adults, 24, 23, and 21. Only the oldest still lives at home.

 

We don't lie about what we do - but we also don't feel we need to share the details with them. "We're going out" is plenty of info for them.

 

Our middle son, a few months ago, was asking his father about going fishing the next weekend - "Or are you going swinging?" he asked. Since we'd also just started learning swing dancing, Mr2 said, "No, we're not dancing then." The kid then says, "you know what I mean, dad," and it was just an acknowledgement that he knew.

 

Mr2 didn't go into detail, the kid totally did not want him to, either. Just wanted him to know that he was aware. Hasn't changed our relationship in any way; he's old enough to know that we're people, that our sex life is our business and has nothing to do with him.

 

So, yeah, when and if they ask, we tell them - and if they wanted to discuss the philosophy behind it, we'd do so. It's not something we're going to volunteer to tell them, though.

[EvilMJ 65]

I have to agree with the majority when I say I don't plan to discuss our swinging life with our child anytime soon. He is only five now, but even at 18 I doubt I would let him know.

 

I am not lying to him, I just feel like that there are aspects of my life that are not anyone's business but my own.

 

I will answer questions about sex, I will answer questions about swinging and give him all the knowledge he needs to make adult decisions when his time comes. But what goes on in my bed room is between me and the people in it.

[Spoomonkey 421]

bill&sabrina said:

I get to teach 2 people that swinging isn't inherently bad, and can in fact be a very rewarding experience.

 

If you goal is to improve the worldview of swinging, this may be a good way to start. Honestly, it is not my goal. My sex life is private - just as it is for most people on the planet. The "taboo" of swinging is part of the appeal to me - and I have no plans to change that.

 

bill&sabrina said:

Sadly I don't have much faith that swingers will be "open" and "honest" enough to make the best of this chance. Thoughts?

 

"Open" and "honest" does not mean that one should share EVERYTHING. Would I lie to my children? No, I would not. But I also don't see a scenario where my kids would ask about the inner workings of my sex life.

 

It is entirely possible to talk to you kids about sex using generalities and not specific examples. In other words, you can say, "there is nothing wrong with a loving couple having oral sex" without saying "your mom gives great head."

 

My daughter brought up the idea of having an open marriage. Her plan was to marry a gay man so she could have the benefits of marriage without the boundaries of one. In her words, she could have sex with whoever she wants. I was "open" and "honest" by responding that I had no problem with that sort of arrangement if it made her happy.*

 

Good, open parenting is possible without breaking out the homemade porn...

 

*I do think she was trying to shock me to gauge my reaction. I am sure this is not her "real" plan.

[ShellyM 0]

I "Let me guess, it's about SEX, right?" [embarrassed huff and rolling of the eyes].

 

Girl, you get that too lol? Mine is almost 13 (GASP), and that wonderful little hormone we know as estrogen is making her debut (I am only hoping her brother reaches 5 without her killing him lol)......... I now get the eyes rolling too, and the whole "thats so not cool, Mother" thing....when did I become MOTHER? lol

[ShellyM 0]

I think most kids don't want to acknowledge that their parents have sex together much less with other people. They know we have sex, but they don't need the details of how we do it, together or with others.

 

So true, once they reach an age where they understand a little about sex, the thought of their parents doing it grosses them out lol...even the thought of my own parents having sex is like this lol. But I agree with all of the posts here. How each parent raises their child is up to them. My parents weren't open about sex, and to be honest, I'm surprised I didn't end up pregnant when Jay and I were dating. I was never told about birth control, etc. other than in health class. My daughter gets alot more training that I received, plus she has the advantage of having been raised by parents that openly love each other. My parents are of a different generation I guess, I rarely saw them kiss and never saw them holding hands or showing affection to each other. I think that if you love each other in front of them, they learn that its ok to express love.

[nice_cpl_n_bama 24]

Hi Everybody,

I may have a different perspective because I don't have kids of my own but it seems to me that discussing alternative sexuality with kids is a pretty bad idea. When we were kids, my siblings and I all knew Mom and Dad had sex and they enjoyed it a lot. We were horrified by that. They could have been taking men, women or farm animals to bed with them for all we knew. We didn't WANT to know. They made sure we understood basic biology and responsibility and left it at that. So long as they have that basic information kids will discover sexuality on their own and pick their own way about it and that's pretty much how it should be. Just so long as you don't teach kids that sex is nasty or dirty, they'll find a lifestyle thats comfortable for them.

There's probably a reason why most swinging couples are in their 30's or older. It takes a while to mature to the point where swinging is something people are emotionally ready to handle. I just don't think kids will be ready to hear about that.

[prettylady 221]

Or you could just tell them like it is.

 

sit down beside them and say "Son, (or daughter) grab hold of the chains, and pull back while your legs and feet push forward. then change.

 

Just kidding.

 

[bill&sabrina 22]

Good, open parenting is possible without breaking out the home made porn...

 

Would you care to show me where I said that last part. I want to see where I specifically said to break out the home made porn, or to tell the kids how good mom is at giving head.

[Spoomonkey 421]

bill&sabrina said:

Would you care to show me where I said that last part. I want to see where I specifically said to break out the home made porn, or to tell the kids how good mom is at giving head.

 

You didn't say it - but you did talk about discussing the private parts of the sex lives of parents. "Mom has sex with guys she meets off of the internet and at smokey private clubs". What's the difference?

[bill&sabrina 22]

Spoomonkey said:

You didn't say it - but you did talk about discussing the private parts of the sex lives of parents. "Mom has sex with guys she meets off of the internet and at smokey private clubs". What's the difference?

 

The difference is being specific versus general, or did you forget you can be open without breaking out the porn?

[intuition897 2,179]

The difference is being specific versus general, or did you forget you can be open without breaking out the porn?

 

I think for us it's the difference between describing the premises and philosophy of the lifestyle, and personalizing it by telling them that WE do it. They don't want to know that. That's just TMI.

 

So, I'm hoping, the conversation will go something like this:

 

Kid: "What's swinging?"

Mom: "That's where two people are in a relationship where they don't need to be monogamous."

Kid: "What's 'monogamous' mean?" [worst case scenario here, where kid is young enough to not know this]

Mom: "Monogamous means they don't allow other people into their relationship. Non-monogamous means that they agree that it's okay to have sex with other people, too." [i might also substitute "have sex with other people" with "have other boyfriends and girlfriends"]

 

At this point, I would expect to be asked a lot of the questions that any "vanilla" person would ask about the morality of it, the dangers of it to relationships, etc. One thing to bear in mind, is that in this conversation your kid is gleaning from you what the world out there really looks like. What you tell him or her at this time becomes a building block to the way they make sense of a confusing and challenging world. So I would probably explain it as simply and honestly as possible. And I'd stress that it is not something that works for everyone, but for some people it makes more sense. This way they don't have to lie to one another if they like someone else, too. Eventually they pop the question:

 

Kid: "Do you and Dad do 'swinging'?"

Mom: "Well, that's a very personal question, and I'm sorry but it's none of your business. All you need to know is that your Dad and I love one another and have a very good relationship."

Kid: [because she's one nosy little Rosie!] "But I see you on that 'Swingersboard' thing all the time."

 

Depending on the situation, whether she's angry or scared or just can't stand that a secret is being kept from her, my answer would change. If she's just being nosy, I'd just tell her that that was enough, and I would not answer her question ["I said it's none of your business young lady!"]. If she was angry, I would ask her why that was a problem for her [that I was on SB chatting with you fine folks]? If she's worried that Mr. intuition's and my relationship is in jeopardy, I would explain to her that I found that the people on this board are very friendly and intelligent, and I enjoy talking with them about all kinds of relationship things...and yes, sex is one of those things. It doesn't mean anything beyond that. And she should not worry; her father and I are very devoted to keeping our relationship healthy, so there is nothing to worry about.

[telly2 15]

Ok, i didn't read all of the responces, but from the about 6 that i did, why do people under estimate the brain power of children. First more of them know more than we do, in regardes to sex. My 15 yr old has friends that are in to BDSM at thier ages, friends that have been pregnant, etc. Telling or not telling is not going to change this, in my opinion it is going to open the lines of comnmunication so that thier safety is not in jeopardy when these issues come up in thier lives. If you are closed to discusing these things then they can get in more truble than pregnancy and STD'd they could end up dead in the case of BDSM anyway.

 

Talking about is not encouraging them, it is empowering them to make thier own educated choices. Remember that the info is out there for them to find, WHY NOT BE THE ONES TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH THEM.

 

I don't mean to be forcefull on this issue but in my opinion, first they know we have sex, and at the age of 12 if we are not honest so are they. Better they be informed, and if they have questions answer them honestly. And if this is a choice you made, to swing own in.

 

Sorry if i have offended that is not my intention but i am pritty addiment on this one.

[ShellyM 0]

Now, if you read my first post about this I said "age appropriate". Okay, given talking to a 15 year old about sex is essential. I don't think a 15 year old should know that his or her parents have multiple sex partners, no. Not that they cannot handle it, but personally that part of my life is the business of Jay and I. Our children are our life, but I am not going to come home and give a report to my 12 year old about such things as blow jobs. I'm just not. Now, how you do things in your family is completely up to you. But, I think some things should be left unsaid. Talk about sex? Yes! Definitely, otherwise they will learn it from Nip Tuck for goodness sakes. However, details on MY sex life? I don't think so. And, our other 2 are 2 years old, and 4. No way I'm going there.

[Spoomonkey 421]

ShellyM said:

Talk about sex? Yes! Definitely... However, details on MY sex life? I don't think so.

 

Dito

 

This is exactly what I think.

[Chip_n_Muffy 16]

I stand by words in post #6. I don't want to be a pal or chum to my kids, I am their PARENT! I will teach them the things they need to know about sex. I will guide them as a parent. I will NOT tell them the details of my sex life. I am their parent, not their buddy.

 

Chip (just as adamant)

[Crazyredhead 15]

While I have never had a discussion about it I know for a fact that my parents swing. Ew, ick, gross. In fact, I have to admit that it turned me off to the idea for a long time. I can honestly say that I don't ever plan to have a discussion with my parents about it. What they do is there business and I don't want to even think about it

 

My children on the other hand are still very young but I don't see myself ever talking to them about it either.

 

Just my .02

[EvilMJ 65]

Ok, i didn't read all of the responces, but from the about 6 that i did, why do people under estimate the brain power of children.

Talking about is not encouraging them, it is empowering them to make thier own educated choices. Remember that the info is out there for them to find, WHY NOT BE THE ONES TO TALK ABOUT IT WITH THEM.

 

We all agree with you in the fact that children are certainly not stupid and they deserve to have the information to make educated, adult choices. I think what the majority is saying is that we are willing to talk about sex and answer any questions they may have, but we are going to draw the line details of our private sex lives.

 

I will answer "what is swinging" very openly and honestly, but I if asked "do you and daddy do that?" the answer will always be "that is between daddy and myself. It does not mean that I underestimate them, I just want them to understand that we are all entitled to a certain amount of privacy as adults and they are going to have to learn to respect that.

[sereneiders 263]

Let's suppose you like anal sex. Would you discuss your tastes with your kids? Would you bring the subject in the name of "honesty" as for them to "understand" how "natural" it is?

 

I am pretty sure that most people here would answer "hell, no!"

 

In the other hand, let's suppose your kid is grown up enough, and he/she's the one bringing the subject of anal sex. Would you admit to your kid that you tried and even liked it, and tell the kid it is a matter of personal taste?

 

I am pretty sure that most people here would answer "of course".

 

I guess the key here is who brings the subject first. It's not OK to discuss those matters with the kids if they didn't ask to know, and it is OK just when they ask for information that they are able to digest.

[TNT 1,155]

bill&sabrina said:

I get to teach 2 people that swinging isn't inherently bad, and can in fact be a very rewarding experience.

 

Just out of curiosity...what are the ages of your children?

 

I do believe that it is very important to educate your children on alternative lifestyle choices...age appropriate of course. By educating them that just because someone chooses to live their life in one way or another, does not make it right or wrong and people should not be judged on their lifestyle choice.

 

Ted and I have always been very open with our children. We have allowed and at times insisted, that they watch different programs on TV/movies that concern sex and sexuality, be it homosexuality, bisexuality, transgendered, transsexual, transvestites, polyamory programs, you name it, our kids have probably watched it and we have discussed it with them and what their feelings were on the subject matter.

 

As far as coming out and telling them directly that we are swingers...no, we have not and unless there comes a day that we would be involved in a swinging based business, we probably never will come out and announce "Oh, BTW, your parents are swingers", they are intelligent enough to put 2 and 2 together and figure it out on their own, even though we are careful to "try" and keep it low key, kids do have a way of figuring things out.

 

We will not deny it if asked...which I was just last week

 

Unfortunately, it was not under the best of circumstances and not how I would have liked for the conversation to have gone. It was thrown up in my face (in the middle of a fight), in a hurtful manner, that because Ted and I were swingers, I knew nothing about marriage (from our oldest who has been married for less than a year). Okay... She was angry and upset at the time and it was the one thing she knew would hurt me the most at the time. It didn't have the total effect on me that she was hoping for as I told her that that was between her father and I and if she wanted to discuss it in an adult manner, she could come to both of us and we would be happy talk to her about it.

 

A few days later, I was asked to come to their house to discuss their sex life which is where the root of her anger was coming from and I got the brunt of. No we didn't discuss swinging at that time but I did get an apology for what she had said earlier in the week. I really don't want to know the intimate details of my daughter's sex life with her husband and I will not share the intimate details of mine and her father's sex life with her. But...generalizations about things works very well.

 

I see no problem with talking to your children about swinging in a general sense, much like you would discuss any topic concerning sex/sexuality...you don't have to tell them you're a swinger if you don't want to but if the subject is brought up letting them know that it's not necessarily a bad thing and that it's a personal choice surely can't hurt.

 

 

Teresa

 

Oh, as far as our oldest...I did the best I could with her questions and later in the day Ted and I both took a stack of books on sex that we had collected over the years out to her and her husband, encouraged them to read them together, not take everything they read literally but find what worked best for them.

[telly2 15]

I do not discuse details and come home and state exactly what goes on with my teen, as i don't want to know details of what is going on in her sexlife. i prefer to think that she doesn't have one but that is another topic, but she does know that we are into "abnormal" sextual practices and that that is ok. She her self is Bi, and was comfortable enough to tell us knowing that it would not be frowned upon by us, to me that is being a Parent. I want my kids to be safe, and forgive me but homosextual health is not taught in school. Most kids don't know that lesbian sex is just as dangerous as gay or hetero. STD's are still transmitted.

 

As for my other children they are far to young {almost 3 and 9 months} to understand any of this but when they get to be teens and asking questions they to will know. We are not less parents because we are swinging and being honest with them. They know that our relationship and they are first and formost no matter what we do.

 

As for my teens thoughts on this, as she has stated herself, what we do in our bedroom is our business and does not effect her life. We are her parents and that doesn't change because of whom we sleep with. She is mature enough to ask the hard questions and know that we will give her honest answers. And her friends also know that if they need to talk that we are here for them as well. To the pleasure of most of there parents, We all know that there are things that kids don't want to talk to thier parents about but will talk about with me or the Mr. Just as she will talk to them about things that she doesn't feel like talking to us about. The main thing is if there is an issue that we need to know they will tell us and visa versa. Maybe this is because alot of her friends are also from homes with abnormal relationships as well, and we all live in the real world with our issues. But then what is normal? For us normal is being abnormal to social graces.

 

Everyone will tell or not tell, but in my opinion honesty is the best policy, and if they ask, be upfront and own it. They will understand in the long run. If we want honesty from them we have to be honest with them first we are the Adults teaching them how to behave.

 

They are our future, and if we want this world to be tollerant of differances, we have to start with our children.

[kandr2000 15]

I'm not really sure if I would of openly discussed this with my kids. But my 13 year old daughter, figured out I was Bi on her own, with no problems handling it. She has since figured out that we go to adult swinging parties, about once a month. She came across the website, she is a very intelligent girl.

 

We have discussed this with her, she is pretty grossed out. BUT, she also knows, although we attend the socials, we vary rarely hook up with anyone. We are very picky and enjoy having so many free willed friends. We love to dance, socialize, and have fun but out of 4-5 dances we have hooked up only once. So what's the big deal? Nothing.

 

She understands that the main part of our exploring the lifestyle is because I desire to be with women, and we only do something as a couple. She also knows that my husband and I are very much in love. It is just a little extra fun.

 

She is my oldest, we have two older boys who know nothing of our lifestyle choices. So it really depends on the child. She is old enough not to tell anyone, I'm sure she'd die before telling her friends. All the kids and my dad know we go to a dance once a month, we just don't share what kind of dance it is, LOL. I would never lie to my dad, if he asked me straight out, or the kids. Honesty is very important to us. Thank God he hasn't asked...

[2jersey 16]

Children (of any age) are not yet able to appreciate the subtle differences between swinging, on the one hand, and outright betrayal of one's marital partner (via cheating, etc...)

 

Where children are involved, double standards are appropriate because parents have an obligation to protect. Children should be encouraged/required to be completely honest with you about their sexual relationships (if any), but parents need not to be completely forthright with the children. If this is considered "hypocrisy", so be it...

[riswingcpl 16]

It totally depends on the age/maturity of the child. G's 19 year old daughter knows she's bi and that we swing, but has no desire to know the "gory details". When G has tried to talk about it with her, she gets the "I don't want to hear this" look and wave-off, and the conversation ends.

 

On the other hand, we do not discuss our sex life with our 10 year old at all...she has no need to know about our sex life at that age. The only time sex comes up is in terms of the "birds and bees" and the "what's appropriate touching" talk...both subjects covered long ago with her. Our sex life is not an appropriate subject for our 10 year old...period. When she's older, and if she wants to know, we'll be as open and honest with her as we can be.

 

Generally speaking, who wants to know about their parent's sex life anyway? I'm blissfully ignorant about my parent's...they may have been closet crossdressers with a fondness for farm animals for all I know...or care!

[Gladiola4u 16]

We have never lied to the kids about the questions they might have. But if they come up and ask if we are swingers, then they are old enough to know what that is and I think we would tell them but if they are too young, like our 5 year old, they don't know what that would be.

 

We have never held our emotions in front of any of them and they see us hugging and kissing and they don't make the faces of being disgusted when we do that.

 

And I agree that what happens in our sex life is our business, nobody else's.

 

If they have questions, we will answer them as honest as possible to keep them safe and if they are old enough to know what a swinger is then they have already done some homework of their own. And they already have suspicions of us being swingers or the question would not come up.

 

Hopefully, it doesn't come up but if it does, I hope we are prepared to give them all the right answers, at least tell them all in the right way at the right time.

 

Our kids ages range between 26 and almost 6, that's a big gap and there is 5 of them. If the questions do come up it will be different depending on the age and on the time that we might live because it's amazing how fast times do change.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

There's a big difference between openly talking to your kids about things they didn't ask and honestly answering questions they did. I don't have kids but I think it's important to be honest but only to the extent of the question they asked and to the extent that they can understand at their age.

 

I think that when it comes to swinging, I don't think that should be anymore of a discussion than the details of your sex life in general. If a young child came up and asked you if you were a swinger, my first question back to them would be to ask what a swinger is and base my answer on theirs. So often what a child thinks something is is completely different than reality, and if you just assume that they know what they are asking you may end up giving them more information than they either need or WANT.

 

Do you have to continue to raise them that monogomy is a way of life? No, but did you ever really have to raise them that way to begin with? I don't think so. I don't think you have to lie but I do think you have to keep in mind age appropriate answers for any questions, whether sexual or not. You also have to remember that whatever you tell children (especially younger ones) will be passed on to everyone they know, so telling your child is like telling their teacher, your preacher, your next door neighbor and everyone else you know and accepting the risks that come along with their having that knowledge.

[intuition897 2,179]

I just had a mild heart attack this morning. My daughter (11) asked why the message board I'm always on is called SwingersBoard. OMG, here we go, I thought.

 

I said it's a group of people who like to discuss sex. Oh, says she. Do you like to talk about sex? Yes, says I. Plus they talk about relationships and all kinds of things, and they're very nice people. I added to this, "But it wouldn't be good idea at all to mention it to Grandma because it would freak her out." "Why would she be freaked out?", she asked. Deep breath. "Because, among other things, swingers are in non-monogamous relationships..." "What's that?" "...which means that they agree that they don't limit themselves to having sex with just each other, and Grandma might worry that because I'm on a message board talking to them, that your Dad and I are doing it too. And there's just nothing for her to worry about." She told me, of her own volition, that it wasn't any of her business anyway, and don't worry there was no WAY she was going to mention it to anybody. [insert "like-gag-me-with-a-spoon" face]

 

In the end, it was much less stressful than I thought it would be. Honesty...just no details. It's an unspoken agreement: she doesn't ask ('cause she doesn't want to know) and we don't tell.

[riswingcpl 16]

intuition897 said:

I just had a mild heart attack this morning. My daughter (11) asked why the message board I'm always on is called SwingersBoard. OMG, here we go, I thought.

 

I'm thinking that my heart attack would have been a major one...

 

intuition897 said:

I said it's a group of people who like to discuss sex. Oh, says she. Do you like to talk about sex? Yes, says I. Plus they talk about relationships and all kinds of things, and they're very nice people. I added to this, "But it wouldn't be good idea at all to mention it to Grandma because it would freak her out." "Why would she be freaked out?", she asked. Deep breath. "Because, among other things, swingers are in non-monogamous relationships..." "What's that?" "...which means that they agree that they don't limit themselves to having sex with just each other, and Grandma might worry that because I'm on a message board talking to them, that your Dad and I are doing it too. And there's just nothing for her to worry about." She told me, of her own volition, that it wasn't any of her business anyway, and don't worry there was no WAY she was going to mention it to anybody. [insert "like-gag-me-with-a-spoon" face]

 

In the end, it was much less stressful than I thought it would be. Honesty...just no details. It's an unspoken agreement: she doesn't ask ('cause she doesn't want to know) and we don't tell.

 

It sounds like that couldn't have gone more perfectly, and if you don't mind...we're going to remember this post when our 10 year old starts asking those inevitable questions. Thanks for sharing!!

[northindycpl 32]

I may not be correct or have the popular opinion, but I think that it would be a no go for us to talk to our kids about it. Now, there may come a day when they ask what is swinging or do you know any swingers, and to that I would answer thier exact questions, as truthfully as I could- just as if I were telling them about getting their periods, shaving their legs or why not to do drugs.

 

I think it boils down to giving the kids the information they request, in a manner that they can listen and continue to question, within their ability to comprehend.

 

For example, at 3 years old when my daughter asked me where babies came from, my answer was, "the Hospital". At 11 when she asked me where babies came from, I was able to be more specific- because she could comprehend my answers and I could comprehend what the underlying question was.

 

There are always underlying reasons kids as questions. Our jobs as parents are to figure those out and get tot he heart of the matter, while giving them age and maturity level appropriate answers.

[Jamie&Kieth 36]

Our two oldest children know we swing and are ok with it. A lot of it is dependent upon how you explain sex and why you do it along the fact that sex like anything else can be fun but also dangerous.

 

Yes our two oldest are mature enough to understand sex and the related complications that can develop. They also know that we do not go to swing clubs and the couple(s) that we swing with we have known for a long time.

 

Our two younger children do not know about our extra-curricular activities but we have taken the time to explain the difference between love and sex. If they ask us about swinging and we believe they are mature enough to handle yes we would tell them.

 

Remember, kids know more than you think they know and know when you lie to them.

[intuition897 2,179]

My husband raised his eyebrows when I told him my response to her question. I think perhaps we disagree somewhat in this. I think he would prefer that I had made something up...but it wasn't him that was put on the spot, and I've never been good at thinking on my feet like that. I figured "gentle honesty" was the safest bet. This way I don't have to hide the fact that, yes, I do enjoy talking to other people about sex. I've already covered the topic that, yes, swingers are people who are non-monogamous, and they allow one another to have sex with other people, so I don't have to worry about one of her friends "informing" her with some screwed up information. And we both agreed that whether or not hubby and I do it is none of her business, but I did lead her to believe that, just because I happen to enjoy talking to swingers, that didn't necessarily mean anything.

 

Although it took some heat, someone here made the satement about this being an opportunity to bring kids up "swingerfied". I agree with that somewhat in that I welcome the opportunity to teach my kids that other lifestyles DO exist, and as long as they aren't hurting themselves or others, we don't know enough about it to tell them that they're wrong for doing it. It's a real minefield to try and explain it in such a way that it doesn't come across as something shameful because of the implied need for discretion. I'm hoping that she assimilates well what I told her; my main goal was to avoid being unapproachable about sex, and to give her straight answers when she asks for them. The fastest way to send her out snooping for (wrong) information on her own is to either clam up, or lie to her...which she will pick up on right away because I'm a lousy liar. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

[2jersey 16]

My husband raised his eyebrows when I told him my response to her question. I think perhaps we disagree somewhat in this. I think he would prefer that I had made something up...but it wasn't him that was put on the spot, and I've never been good at thinking on my feet like that. I figured "gentle honesty" was the safest bet. This way I don't have to hide the fact that, yes, I do enjoy talking to other people about sex. I've already covered the topic that, yes, swingers are people who are non-monogamous, and they allow one another to have sex with other people, so I don't have to worry about one of her friends "informing" her with some screwed up information. And we both agreed that whether or not hubby and I do it is none of her business, but I did lead her to believe that, just because I happen to enjoy talking to swingers, that didn't necessarily mean anything.

 

Although it took some heat, someone here made the satement about this being an opportunity to bring kids up "swingerfied". I agree with that somewhat in that I welcome the opportunity to teach my kids that other lifestyles DO exist, and as long as they aren't hurting themselves or others, we don't know enough about it to tell them that they're wrong for doing it. It's a real minefield to try and explain it in such a way that it doesn't come across as something shameful because of the implied need for discretion. I'm hoping that she assimilates well what I told her; my main goal was to avoid being unapproachable about sex, and to give her straight answers when she asks for them. The fastest way to send her out snooping for (wrong) information on her own is to either clam up, or lie to her...which she will pick up on right away because I'm a lousy liar. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

 

It seems like you made the best of an awkward situation - especially given your main goal. Besides, you are perfectly well equipped to deal with the followup discussions - if any.