Playing Hard to Get and Hurt Feelings

[nice_cpl_n_bama 24]

Hi everybody,

As you may have read, we went to our first house party last night. While it was overwhelmingly good there was one snag. There was a couple there we have played with in the past. Given my usual shyness I naturally made a move on the lady I already knew. She just gave me a kiss and wandered away.

I took that to mean that she was really interested in someone else that night. I moved on to other interests. Laurie and I ended up spending most of the night with a different couple.

The lady who seemed uninterested ended up leaving early. It turns out that she really likes to play hard-to-get and be pursued a bit. She apparently had hurt feelings because I didn't chase her.

Laurie says the lady just had too much to drink while we were busy elsewhere and got depressed from it and that I shouldn't worry about it. I thought that I should sent an apology note. Laurie says that we didn't do anything to apologise for and once the booze wears off our friend will realize that hard-to-get is a plan that just doesn't work with me.

So, should I go with the apology or listen to my wonderful wife and leave it lie?

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I'm with Laurie, no apology needed. You made a move and let her know you were interested... what's the point of playing hard to get anyway? This is a good example of what people mean when they say they don't like people who play games... it's like High school.

[intuition897 2,179]

Dito Julie! Games like that might work in Vanillaland, but I don't think it goes over very well with swingers. There are enough uncertainties to deal with (what with relationships on the line and all) without complicating things further. If she's looking to have her ego stroked, she's in the wrong circle. You don't owe her an apology; you did her a favour. Hopefully she'll take this opportunity to examine her tactics and develop more assertiveness to get what she's after.

[Mike and Jan 20]

It actually sort of goes against the 'no means no' rule too.

 

If a person gives any little signal of 'no' then it wouldn't be polite to continue with the seduction.

[Amanda69 24]

You were absolutely right in what you did, playing games in the lifestyle is just silly. We all know what we are here for,games are so unnecessary.

[ShellyM 0]

I'm with Laurie. No apology needed. Hey man, does she think you are psychic? Okay, if you knew each other very well, and it was just you thats one thing, pick up on cues. BUT you are in a room FULL of people, and you are supposed to get that? I don't think so! Look at it this way. What if she were like most women, and was just being polite, but like you said.....interested in other people that night. Had you bothered her more you would have been considered to be rude and a stalker! Nah. She needs to be more clear about what she likes.

[JP51 40]

Hey, she waked away...was not tugging on your shirt, or looking at you as she left (licking her lips etc), so you had no idea a game was on... I would have dropped it too!

[northindycpl 32]

Dito!

 

I don't like games like that and I would have done the same thing. We had a couple that we played with and the man would often play hard to get with me on occassion. I didn't like it. It isn't the type of situation where hard to get is a fun game. You have no way of knowing if no is the true answer and could end up breaking rules.

 

I don't think that an apology is in order, however, If this is something that continues to bother you; the next time you see her, you could simply and quietly pull her aside, or ask your wife to, and just ask her. Tell her that you took her walking away as a sign of disinterest, and if she in fact is interested in continuing to play, maybe the 2 of you could develop a sign or signal so you know in the future she is not saying no.

 

As a side note; I had a playmate one time that I have no interest in playing with again. We are all friends and I see them at the club quite a bit. I would not tell him that I don't want to play with him again, but I do play a bit hard to get and he simply moves on. It may be a chicken-shit way of avoiding him, however it doesn't hurt his feelings or make me uncomfortable and we all remain great friends.

[nice_cpl_n_bama 24]

As usual Laurie is SOOO much better at social stuff than I am. Thanks everybody.

[Alura 2,773]

How many swinger ads say, "No gameplayers, please?"

 

If I have one negative response from a woman, I'm totally turned off. There will not be another attempt to "court" her.

 

You don't need to apologize, but don't turn a deaf ear if she starts "courting" you. Be friendly in the future; act as if nothing happened. It may well be the case!

 

Mr. Alura

[Guest MrsVan]

I would agree with everyone else here. No apology needed! Obviously she is playing games and there is no need for games in the lifestyle. Your either interested or not, plane and simple so no reason to chase the person down. It just isn't worth it.

 

I would think at this point to leave it the way it was left and say that it is her loss

 

MrsVan

[Dryon 15]

It actually sort of goes against the 'no means no' rule too.

 

If a person gives any little signal of 'no' then it wouldn't be polite to continue with the seduction.

 

Dito

[sereneiders 263]

No appology needed... but perhaps it worth some clarification on what happend.

 

You have plenty of arguments to tell her why she was being missleading (in Swingerland) and why you backed up.

 

IMO, we can play plenty of games here, but when those games may collide with the usual rules and the swingers common sense, we should make the game rules explicit.

 

For example, if you're respectfull of the "no means no" rule, you'll behave the way you did. If she want to play the reluctanct/pushed game, you need to reasure which "no" is part of the game, and which is a "hard" one, so for such a game to be safe, you two should arrange a way for her to let you know when it is ok to push and when it isn't.

 

If not, you're not only being asked to play swinger, also to develop telepatic skills.

 

What happend isn't a big deal, and no one should feel bad about it, but learn from this and look for the way to manage to play whatever game you both want to play.

[prettylady 221]

So, should I go with the apology or listen to my wonderful wife and leave it lie?

 

ALWAYS LISTEN TO THE WIFE!!!!

 

I mean we are always right.

 

I agree with the others I am new here and I may come across as playing hard to get, but that is likely only nerves. But I will always make it clear that I am interested.

UMMM being that I have never done this I don't know how I will accomplish said cue, but I will find a way.

Perhaps I can grab him by the ears say. "I am interested in playing" then play coy.

We will just have to wait and see.

Your friend,

Prettylady

[Mrs.PaganLovers 15]

Perhaps I can grab him by the ears say. "I am interested in playing" then play coy.

We will just have to wait and see.

Your friend,

Prettylady

 

ROFL I can see you doing just that

[ShellyM 0]

ALWAYS LISTEN TO THE WIFE!!!!

 

I mean we are always right.

 

 

Now you're talking girlie!

[Additude 457]

Don't do anything.

 

Next time you meet them at a party or whatever then you know what to do.

 

She wants to play "chase me" to hook up with you and to me that means she is interested in you. So, next time play a little cat and mouse with her.....physicologically she probably wants you even more now that you ignored her....

[riswingcpl 16]

Like everyone else, I think you owe no apology at all. You followed the golden rule...no means no...just as you should. Playing games like that has no place in the lifestyle, unless all are clued in to the game in advance.

 

 

Dito!

 

As a side note; I had a playmate one time that I have no interest in playing with again. We are all friends and I see them at the club quite a bit. I would not tell him that I don't want to play with him again, but I do play a bit hard to get and he simply moves on. It may be a chicken-shit way of avoiding him, however it doesn't hurt his feelings or make me uncomfortable and we all remain great friends.

 

We had a situation somewhat simliar to this about 3 years ago. We had an mfm with a guy we met on SN. We got a room, then met him at a local pub. Long story short, he was pretty much a dud, and actually fell asleep on our bed! We woke him up and sent him on his way, with a polite "thanks...see you later".

 

We had given him my cell number in case he had to cancel or had problems finding us that night. He called about a month later, and I told him we were really not interested in an mfm right now, thanks anyway. In hindsight, I should have just told him we weren't interested in HIM, but trying to be polite, I didn't. That was a mistake, because he has called three more times...once while we were standing in the middle of G's daughter's dorm room, once while out to dinner with our kids, and a couple of weeks ago while we were sitting at my parent's dinner table.

 

Obviously, the conversation was short and vanilla at those times, but after the last call, I looked up his profile and told him in no uncertain terms to stop calling. I told him that giiving him the phone number was to faciliate the hookup that first night, and it didn't give him license to call whenever he felt like it. (the last call was THREE YEARS after the first hookup!) I also told him that we had been trying to be polite, but that after one "no thanks" and two unreturned phone calls...couldn't he take a hint? He never replied.

 

Lesson learned...be polite when possible, but be direct. Sometimes people need to be hit with a hammer before they get the message I guess!

 

M