What are the negative long-term effects of the Lifestyle?

[LetsParty 17]

Hi all!

 

Pretty funny how I've gone from lurker to poster lately.

Must be the fall.... I end up in front of the PC more than outside!

 

Anyways... Here's a serious question...

 

As you may have seen in some of my other posts, and as I am sure most of you would agree with, we are huge supporters of the lifestyle.

 

We think it's fantastic. It's logical. It's about honesty and openness. Taking the "you only live once" attitude. It evokes great conversation. I look at my life partner in a more sexual light than I would as a vanills. Etc. etc.

 

Now, here is my question:

 

So much of society is EXTREMELY anti-swinging.

 

My parents would DIE if they knew we did this.

 

Heck, even at work, it's more acceptable to tell a colleague, "I had an affair with the hottie from H.R.!" than it is to say, "My wife and I have consensual sex with others."

 

Sad, but true. I know.

 

So here's the question for those of you who are older and have more experience than we do:

 

Could all these vanillas actually be onto something?

Could the lifestyle be secretly harming our marriage?

Instead of us extolling from the rooftops the fun, benefit, excitement and pleasure in the Lifestyle, do you think there is reason for us to listen to vanillas?

 

Are we all just naive? Will Vanillas have the last laugh?

 

I've interviewed couples.

Read books.

Discussed this like crazy.

 

Aside from the usual occasional short-term problems (possible jealousy/possible drama with some couples/possible crossing some blurry lines once every few years.../etc/etc)... I dunno... This whole "sex with strangers" / "live out your fantasies" / "try some same-sex fun if that's what turns you on"...

 

...all in the context of a healthy and open relationship with lots of communication and honesty...

 

...Well, we just think it's great!

 

Does anyone here (Lifestyler or otherwise) think that people like my parents and adamant-vanillas may have the right idea, and we don't?

 

I've been meaning to ask this for a long time. I'd love to hear some opinions on the potential problems as the years progress and our bodies get old.

 

(And please leave God out of the equation. We gave up organized religion long ago and could not be happier. Yeah, we could be screwed in the afterlife , but let's leave the religious zealotry and the bible out of the equation for this thread.)

 

Thanks!

[northindycpl 32]

I think that everyone is entitled to do and live by what they deem fit and appropriate- for them and their situations. If you view your life through the eys and opinions of someone else, you are bound to come up things that could be harmful, or different.

 

Do couples that swing hurt their marriages? Sure, I bet there are some and I probably know a few.

 

Do couples that don't swing have great marriages? Sure, I bet there are some and I know a few and I know others that are miserable.

 

Because I have sex with more people am I going to hurt my body somehow? Possible, but we take all the precautions we can. I suppose you could say that because we drink we are hurting our livers or whatever, too.

 

I think that there is ulimately no comparision or parallel between vertical and horizontal couples. I think that you do what is right for you, at the time, given the facts and you live your life the way the cards fall.

 

I know a lot of happy go lucky vanillas... like my own parents. I am sure they wouldn't even remotely understand our choices and I don't understand theirs. But both of us are happily married.

 

Since I won't talk about religion.....

 

IMHO, It's like comparing a republican to a democrat!

[Freeridersnz 15]

Interesting question. My wife is 14 years younger and we are both married for the second time. In her first marriage her husband, after 18 months, indicated he wanted to swing. He even lined up the participants. Trouble is he went about it the wrong way (selfishly demanding) and as a result she didn’t feel comfortable enough to participate. In the end he ignored her feelings, couldn’t resist the temptation and played with another couple MFM. He also experienced a FMF without her. In his view his actions were causing no harm and were “natural”. The truth was it broke her heart and the marriage. She subsequently spent many years drifting in and out of relationships without finding trust or a sole mate, until we met.

 

By contrast, we have a great marriage full of love, trust and mutual respect and have been together 7 years. I would like for us both to experience the lifestyle together but my wife is concerned that once we start, history will repeat itself and her fear is that I (like all males – “cant be trusted”) will run off and have sessions with others behind her back. No amount of convincing will change her attitude to males and, it appears, I am no exception. I am therefore resigned to a life without the lifestyle and remain monogamous.

 

So to come back to your question. From where I sit I think the biggest long term risk to swingers is the potential for one partner to be emotionally hurt by the actions of the other. That hurt could manifest itself in many forms and what appears harmless to one could be viewed as a disaster by the other, potentially with long term emotional consequences. Once that occurs it is often too far to come back from as in our case.

 

However, given that both partners begin and remain totally honest, trustworthy and considerate of each others emotional (not just physical) needs then I cant see why there should be any long term detrimental affect of swinging on a healthy marriage. Just don’t cross the line of trust.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I don't think either side is right or wrong. Everyone has to choose what is best for them. I'm not about to go on a crusade to conince non-swingers that they should swing, I'm more likely to tell them they shouldn't (unless they are absolutely sure that they have a strong relationshp built on communication an trust). Most of the negatives I've encountered when it comes to swinging comes from the overall lack of acceptance of swinging in society. The negatives typically come from having to hide such a large part of your life and having to live a lie. Therefore when people do find out you are often shunned, lose friends, family, jobs, etc. Those are HUGE longterm negative effects that everyone should consider.

[ShellyM 0]

Hi all!

 

Now, here is my question:

So much of society is EXTREMELY anti-swinging

 

To me in all honesty, I think society in general is not anti-swinging, they are pro-hypocrites. Seriously. Society is not about the truth, but about appearances. Of course, I am NOT generalizing every human being that is vanilla, so please don't get me wrong. I only ever talk about my own personal opinion and experiences. Anyways, I think that society is screwed up in alot of views, namely this one. They would rather you screw your secretary and keep it secret than be honest. Why? I haven't been able to figure that one out yet.

 

 

.

My parents would DIE if they knew we did this.

 

I'll be honest. My parents don't know. But not because I am ashamed, but because it truly is no ones business but mine and Jay's. I am extremely private person. My parents are ex-hippies straight from Haight Ashbury lol, I don't think they would freak out though.

 

.

Heck, even at work, it's more acceptable to tell a colleague, "I had an affair with the hottie from H.R.!" than it is to say, "My wife and I have consensual sex with others.".[

 

Hence, hypocritical views of society. A man is seen as a STUD if he is banging his neighbor. But if he says he enjoys having his wife make love to another man he is seen as a sicko. Go figure.

 

.

Could all these vanillas actually be onto something?.[

 

I think there are some couples who are able to be completely monogomous to each other. My cousin is one. She is the quinticential soccer mom. She loves the shit! Play dates, soccer games, baking cookies, arts and crafts, all that stuff. And I think its great for her if that makes her happy. Me? I'm TOTALLY the opposite! I want to ride on the back of a harley to sturgis. I want to go in one direction just to see whats there! I want to get a tattoo on my ass, and if I had enough guts do what Mrs. Van did and get a piercing lol. I'm not a soccer mom. So, I think for some couples yes, it does work. But for others, I think it is great that we are honest! I absolutely adore Jay. There is no man that could ever fill his shoes. Why? Because of the bond we have with each other. Sex is sex, but no sex can replace 15 years of life. So, to each his own is what I say.

 

But I will say this: Most married couples think about swinging, but never take the step. ALOT more married women than you would think. Trust me on this. Much more.

[LetsParty 17]

Good answer.

 

Thanks for answering it in depth.

 

I'll say one thing... These happy-soccer-moms...

 

Lemme tell you... PLENTY of them have their own private/secret "yahoo" or "hotmail" e-mail account, and a large portion of them are out scewing their trainers / aerobics instructors / etc.

 

That's the irony of it all.

 

That's why we are so, "Bring out the desire and fun into the open!"

 

My wife is convinced this is the wave of the future. "We are onto something here!" "Monogamy is so 20th century" etc. etc.

 

With the advent of the Internet, women in the workforce, the social acceptance of bisexuality and homosexuality, legal decisions permitting swining clubs, hidden camera reports, the crazy stuff we see on TV nowadays...

 

...I think this nottion of "sexual monogamy until death" is proving to be more and more of a bit of a joke.

 

And Shelly -- I'll one-up you... Call me crazy, but if I were looking to "lure" a woman into a secret affair... I'd bet I'd have a WAY easier time doing so on a soccer field with the Chrysler mini-vans in the parking lot, than outside a tat parlor with a row of Harleys outside.

 

 

Thoughts?

 

[TNT 1,155]

And Shelly -- I'll one-up you... Call me crazy, but if I were looking to "lure" a woman into a secret affair... I'd bet I'd have a WAY easier time doing so on a soccer field with the Chrysler mini-vans in the parking lot, than outside a tat parlor with a row of Harleys outside.

 

 

Thoughts?

 

 

 

You're probably right...with Ted in the process of having a major tattoo done we've been spending a lot of time at the tattoo parlor...the artist who is doing his tattoo has known for years we are swingers, no shock from him just a "cool"....now if it was announced at the school functions that I go to that we were swingers it would be total

 

 

As to the original question...

 

The biggest negative for us is having to keep things on the quiet side due to the way we would be viewed by the community we live in.

 

 

Teresa

[ShellyM 0]

And Shelly -- I'll one-up you... Call me crazy, but if I were looking to "lure" a woman into a secret affair... I'd bet I'd have a WAY easier time doing so on a soccer field with the Chrysler mini-vans in the parking lot, than outside a tat parlor with a row of Harleys outside.

 

 

Thoughts?

 

 

I don't know, but how the hell did you know I drive a Chrysler mini-van?

LOL, seriously I drive a Town and Country!

[ShellyM 0]

I'll say one thing... These happy-soccer-moms...

 

Lemme tell you... PLENTY of them have their own private/secret "yahoo" or "hotmail" e-mail account, and a large portion of them are out scewing their trainers / aerobics instructors / etc.

 

SO TRUE! Same goes for husbands, let me tell you. A good friend of mine had an affair with a married man (upstanding member of society) for 14 months before it all got blown out of the water. And his poor wife? She knew about it. She was so worried about the appearances of it all, she still to this day acts like she didn't know what was going on. I mean, now that is sick.

[louie_st 5]

I come to think the effects are pretty radical. Its like stealing to me first you start out small then get bigger and bigger then you can't remember why you started as you are sitting in Jail. You start out playing then more and more and before you know it you are boinking everyone that says hi. Not saying anything bad but look at some of the older couples that have been swinging for a while they will boink anything. In some other threads they talked about intimacy. Intimacy breaks down after a while of being in the lifestyle. Once you seen your spouce boinked in every postion by countless people that came and gone what is left? Like in the news about those amish people. Amish been around since the start of america and they are still going strong in there belifs. look at soceity today with our new words for breaking our vows to get what we want(Swinging, Lifestyle, Swapping, etc..). Since we claim to be happy in our own marraiges and would not trade our spouces for anything. What the hell do you think you are doing? You are trading in your loved one for a one night stand and then act like nothing happened. I think the long time effect really really hurts the marraige emotionally. A scar that you can hide but never will go away.

[atlas 15]

..soo what you're implying in your post, is that the older couples are lying or fail to see thier lack of intamacy?

I'm putting on my flame retardant suit for that last post.

[LetsParty 17]

LOL!

 

Okay, that previous post (2 back) was a bit radical in its thinking, but a valuable contribution nonetheless..

 

I guess it's like marijuana being a gateway drunk. One minute you're smoking some pot, watching Pink Floyd's The Wall, and a few years later, you're doing crack cocaine.

 

Got it.

 

Steal a candybar from the local Exxon, and next thing you know, you're robbing banks.

 

There is another flaw in that logic. I WOULDN'T trade my spouse for anything. This is sex and only sex. The connection between "sex" and "love", especially for men, is something of a fiction, created by society en masse.

 

If you don't believe me, well, please check out of the gazillion dollar online porn, DVD porn, escort, hooker, bordello, dirty magazine, and strip club industries. The desire for wild and crazy new sex has nothing to so with our thoughts of a 'loved one', per se.

 

Are we really 'trading in our loved one' for a one-night stand? It sounds like a bit of a leap.

 

However, some valid points are raised.

 

Now, what about the alternatives?

 

What about people who decide not to swing? Is that a better option, do you think? I can't help but think of all the bored and miserable couples that I see walking around the mall. The jokes in the locker room. The stories about travelling to the Orient and getting 'massages'. The separations and divorces. The cheating and lying.

 

I'm not trying to compare the effects of swinging vs. Amish people.

 

I am just trying to look at The Lifestyle as compared to a "vanilla" marriage.

 

....I still wonder....

[ShellyM 0]

..soo what you're implying in your post, is that the older couples are lying or fail to see thier lack of intamacy?

I'm putting on my flame retardant suit for that last post.

 

Here, you can use mine if you want.

[ShellyM 0]

In response to LetsParty's last post.

I think that you all have very valid points. I think that self control is required in your swinging life, JUST LIKE it is in your everyday life! I mean, in a vanilla relationship self control is required. With me, I don't worry about boinking everyone, as it has been referred to lol. I am TOO picky for my own good I think, and so the thought of screwing half of Hays County just is not appealing to me. Like I said in the other post, I do have to have a feeling of attraction for the person, I just cannot lay down with anyone. Thats just not in my personality. I can see how it can get out of control though, and go from a swinging marriage to an open marriage. But again, communication is the key.

[Spoomonkey 421]

I think the long time effect really really hurts the marraige emotionally.

 

And you base this on what?

 

Spoomonkey

[WesternSwing 504]

I come to think the effects are pretty radical. Its like stealing to me first you start out small then get bigger and bigger then you can't remember why you started as you are sitting in Jail. You start out playing then more and more and before you know it you are boinking everyone that says hi.

I don't think this is a case for those that have their heads screwed-on straight. I know in my experience, Mrs. WS and I have been at it several years now and if anything we are "boinking" others less than we used to. We go through spells of allot of action, and those of less. Used to be we never missed a party at a house or club. Now, we select the ones we want to go to. We have a life other than swinging. I see many, many other couples that have been in the Lifestyle longer that are the same way. Swinging is part of their life, it is not their whole life.

 

Not saying anything bad but look at some of the older couples that have been swinging for a while they will boink anything.

The key word here "some"... not all or most.

 

In some other threads they talked about intimacy. Intimacy breaks down after a while of being in the lifestyle. Once you seen your spouce boinked in every postion by countless people that came and gone what is left?

I wholeheartedly disagree here. Our intamacy is as good or better than before we got into the lifestyle, and like I mentioned, we are no spring chickens at it. We constantly hold hands, spoon, sit next to each other on the couch at home or in booths at restaurants, kiss, touch each other as we pass in the house, we carpool to work instead of take seperate vehicles just so we can spend that time together alone everyday.

 

Like in the news about those amish people. Amish been around since the start of america and they are still going strong in there belifs. look at soceity today with our new words for breaking our vows to get what we want(Swinging, Lifestyle, Swapping, etc..).

Conventionality is not morality.

 

How is swinging breaking our vows. I don't remember anywhere in our vows where it said we would not have sex with other people with our spouse's permission and encouragement. Those words were never in marriage vows.

 

So you may say what about "faithful". This is a favorite one of mine. From the Websters Dictionary:

 

Main Entry: 1faith·ful

1 obsolete : full of faith

2 : steadfast in affection or allegiance : LOYAL

3 : firm in adherence to promises or in observance of duty : CONSCIENTIOUS

4 : given with strong assurance : BINDING

5 : true to the facts, to a standard, or to an original

 

Nowhere in the definition of "faithful" does it say anything about monogamy. It does say I'll be steadfast in my affection or allegiance to my wife, which I am. It does say I'll adhere to promises and duty to my wife, which I am. But nowhere does it say that "being faithful" is only having sex with your spouse. Being faithful is not deceiving them.

 

Since we claim to be happy in our own marraiges and would not trade our spouces for anything. What the hell do you think you are doing? You are trading in your loved one for a one night stand and then act like nothing happened. I think the long time effect really really hurts the marraige emotionally. A scar that you can hide but never will go away.

This is a very vanilla perception of swinging. It is the idea that swinging is a selfish act so that I can get some strange on the side and it's not technically "cheating".

 

Being happy in our marriage has nothing to do with trading our spouse for anything. You can be perfectly happy in your marriage in many different circumstances. I am not trading-in my loved one for a one night stand. I get as much out of her pleasure as she does. She gets as much out of my pleasure as I do. True love is the condition where the other person's happiness is essential to your own. Immature love it the opposite, where you feel your spouse should accept and support your selfish needs and desires.

 

I have more to write, but I have to leave with Mrs. WS for work in a moment.

 

Mr. WS

[havefuninsun 122]

I come to think the effects are pretty radical. Its like stealing to me first you start out small then get bigger and bigger then you can't remember why you started as you are sitting in Jail. You start out playing then more and more and before you know it you are boinking everyone that says hi. Not saying anything bad but look at some of the older couples that have been swinging for a while they will boink anything. In some other threads they talked about intimacy. Intimacy breaks down after a while of being in the lifestyle. Once you seen your spouce boinked in every postion by countless people that came and gone what is left? Like in the news about those amish people. Amish been around since the start of america and they are still going strong in there belifs. look at soceity today with our new words for breaking our vows to get what we want(Swinging, Lifestyle, Swapping, etc..). Since we claim to be happy in our own marraiges and would not trade our spouces for anything. What the hell do you think you are doing? You are trading in your loved one for a one night stand and then act like nothing happened. I think the long time effect really really hurts the marraige emotionally. A scar that you can hide but never will go away.

 

The cool thing about all of this is, it's all about choices. Seems that Louie thinks making the choice TO swing is bad for many reason ... glad you've figured it out. However, that doesn't make it bad for everyone else.

 

Like everyone else who has commented, I feel closer than ever to Mr. Fun. We are in love. And guess what else? We easily could choose to be monogomous, but CHOOSE not to be. If ever we feel like we're harming our relationship, we will CHOOSE the best way to keep ourselves on track. Hell, I believe people who are too possessive, fret too much over their partners, and are always accusing and suspicious of the others' activities are much more harming to their relationship than those who swing.

 

I advise Louie not to swing. He's not emotionally ready ... and that's fine.

 

What displeases me is when someone tries to force their opinions on me as if they were factual. Kinda like the groups who want to monitor TV shows ... and say, "that show is BAD to watch because of blah blah blah" -- ok, that's their opinion -- not factual. And, they can CHOOSE to change the channel.

[Dog69 15]

I may be way out of line with this answer but here it is anyway( for good or bad).

" Kids play with toys ,Adults play with sex"!

Everyone has a valid point.I strongly believe like most of you that LOVE and SEX are two different things. You can have SEX with anyone and everyone if you wish it. I have only enough room in my heart and life to LOVE one Lady.

I also agree that there has to be a spark of some kind with the person you will engage in sex with. It just makes it that more pleasurable for both ,if you are really HOT for each other If both you wish to be in this lifestyle,Why would you have to question your devotion to one another??

If I have offened anyone I'm truly sorry,but I make no excuses or apologies for how and what I believe in and I strongly believe in this LIFESTYLE!!!!!

[intuition897 2,179]

I come to think the effects are pretty radical. Its like stealing to me first you start out small then get bigger and bigger then you can't remember why you started as you are sitting in Jail. You start out playing then more and more and before you know it you are boinking everyone that says hi. Not saying anything bad but look at some of the older couples that have been swinging for a while they will boink anything. In some other threads they talked about intimacy. Intimacy breaks down after a while of being in the lifestyle. Once you seen your spouce boinked in every postion by countless people that came and gone what is left? Like in the news about those amish people. Amish been around since the start of america and they are still going strong in there belifs. look at soceity today with our new words for breaking our vows to get what we want(Swinging, Lifestyle, Swapping, etc..). Since we claim to be happy in our own marraiges and would not trade our spouces for anything. What the hell do you think you are doing? You are trading in your loved one for a one night stand and then act like nothing happened. I think the long time effect really really hurts the marraige emotionally. A scar that you can hide but never will go away.

 

I guess the difference is that it's scarring you. It is NOT scarring us. It's not supposed to hurt, louie. If it does, you shouldn't be doing it. I absolutely disagree with your conclusions.

[Cloud of Love 16]

Louie, I must say that if this is the way you feel about swinging, you really shouldn't do it. Stop now...it doesn't sound like you are psychologically ready for this.

 

Since I am not an actual swinger, I hope the other posters will correct me if I am wrong about this, but swinging is something that couples must do together as couples, in order for it to enhance the relationship rather than damage it. Sex is a very powerful and wonderful thing, and in a rock-solid relationship it is something that can be explored together in many different ways by a loving couple. For some couples that can include swinging, for others not. But ultimately, you have to trust your instincts on this. If swinging is making you unhappy or damaging your relationship, causing doubt and fear rather than joy, you need to stop, now. It isn't for you, not at this point in your life anyway.

 

Again, maybe I don't know what I'm talking about, but your post set off a lot of alarm bells in my head. Take care.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I come to think the effects are pretty radical. Its like stealing to me first you start out small then get bigger and bigger then you can't remember why you started as you are sitting in Jail. You start out playing then more and more and before you know it you are boinking everyone that says hi. Not saying anything bad but look at some of the older couples that have been swinging for a while they will boink anything. In some other threads they talked about intimacy. Intimacy breaks down after a while of being in the lifestyle. Once you seen your spouce boinked in every postion by countless people that came and gone what is left? Like in the news about those amish people. Amish been around since the start of america and they are still going strong in there belifs. look at soceity today with our new words for breaking our vows to get what we want(Swinging, Lifestyle, Swapping, etc..). Since we claim to be happy in our own marraiges and would not trade our spouces for anything. What the hell do you think you are doing? You are trading in your loved one for a one night stand and then act like nothing happened. I think the long time effect really really hurts the marraige emotionally. A scar that you can hide but never will go away.

 

Interesting POV from someone who admittedly has no desire to swing and is being dragged kicking and screaming by his wife. You posted in another thread you'd as soon kill any guy as let him have sex with your wife. Swinging is definately not for everyone and for a couple as you have described yourself should you choose to pursue swinging it will have very definately lasting effects probably resulting in divorce or prison. However, that is not the case for all. You say "we claim to be happy in our marriages", yet you have stated that you are not. You are basing your response here on your own issues that need to be dealt with openly with your wife rather than an understanding of what it is like to be in an open relationship (not an open-marriage) where both partners openly communicate their feelings and try to work together to ensure that both partners are happy in that relationship. No one should be swinging because they feel that they have to for their marriage. You make it sound like swinging is the gateway drug of sexuality. Next you'll be comparing us all to pedophiles or rapists (don't worry it won't be the first time). The relationship you are in is obviously not a happy one so please don't compare yours to ours. For you swinging would be a gateway to jail, based on your own admissions so you definately should not swing. For others that is defiantely not the case and because both halves of those couples have learned how to be intimate with each other (in ways well beyond sex) they can be open with each other about their fantasies and work together to make those fantasies come true with the understanding that their relationship is and always will be the priority and anything or anyone else that is added to that primary relationship is only there to add to it and should that something or someone not add something good then it can be removed.

[rpu99 44]

I come to think the effects are pretty radical. Its like stealing to me first you start out small then get bigger and bigger then you can't remember why you started as you are sitting in Jail. You start out playing then more and more and before you know it you are boinking everyone that says hi. Not saying anything bad but look at some of the older couples that have been swinging for a while they will boink anything. In some other threads they talked about intimacy. Intimacy breaks down after a while of being in the lifestyle. Once you seen your spouce boinked in every postion by countless people that came and gone what is left? Like in the news about those amish people. Amish been around since the start of america and they are still going strong in there belifs. look at soceity today with our new words for breaking our vows to get what we want(Swinging, Lifestyle, Swapping, etc..). Since we claim to be happy in our own marraiges and would not trade our spouces for anything. What the hell do you think you are doing? You are trading in your loved one for a one night stand and then act like nothing happened. I think the long time effect really really hurts the marraige emotionally. A scar that you can hide but never will go away.

 

 

I think the shifts in pronoun usage are very illuminating and are very supportive of Julie's analysis. Notice shift from "WE claim..." to "what the hell do YOU...". Then it continues with "YOU are..." then shifting back to "I think...".

 

There is a dialogue going on here, but i believe it is only superficially directed at us. It is not hard to imagine as a more private conversation, given the context, who "We", "You", and "I" are. Actually, it makes me pretty uncomfortable, like eavesdropping on a conversation i really didn't want to hear.

 

Perhaps i am reading a bit too much into it, but the implicit is often more honest than the explicit.

 

mark

[Mr. Truelove 81]

What the hell do you think you are doing? You are trading in your loved one for a one night stand and then act like nothing happened. I think the long time effect really really hurts the marraige emotionally. A scar that you can hide but never will go away.

 

I don't think I'm trading my spouse, nor is she trading me. We are participating together in this lifestyle, and sharing all the experiences. This may not be the case with everyone in the lifestyle, but it's that way with us.

 

This original question was begging for responces like these I think, but swooping generalizations are hardly ever accurate.

 

Mr. Truelove

[drziggy 89]

I just came across this thread and I find that question posed herein is quite valid and appropriate. Maybe even the focus of my next research project...

Firstly, I think that the short term consequences of the the lifestyle for those that have strong emotional relationships is quite positive. I'll go further and suggest that the long term effect is to evolve a good relationship into a great one.

Is there any scientific evidence that this is so? No, there's only anecdotal evidence since it is difficult to find swingers that have dropped out of swinging because of the negative aspects of the lifestyle on their relationship.

 

However, if my latest results mean anything, most swingers have been swinging for over 10 years, and some over 29 years.....you draw your own conclusions...

Cheers!

DrZiggy

[Cpl2share 147]

To a certain point, Louie st. has a point. We have seen people who have gone "over the edge" with swinging and ruined thier marriage and after it "came out" destroyed thier entire family life with parents and sibs. Of course we have seen many more people who have done the same with drugs and alcohol. We are reminded of one relative who worked very hard to get his CDL so that he could drive school bus while he worked very hard to complete the police academy (2 yrs). It took him two years after graduation to actually get a full time police department position. A year later he got a drunk driving ticket. No more buses and he is permenantly barred from police work. Yep, swinging can ruin a marriage, but so can drinking, racing cars,scrapbooking, fishing, hunting and watching TV.

 

WC Fields: Moderation my boy, moderation, 8 or 9 is alright, but more than that digresses into drinking.

[Cpl2share 147]

Off my soap box now and back to the subject at hand: Mrs. Cpl and I swing about once a year. That is all we "need". We have a very full life outside of swinging, and about once every summer we end up in a fortuitous (sp?) situation where we can enjoy playing with others. We do not actually need this, but it is fun to us and we always come away feeling closer to each other and MORE IN LOVE. Which baffles us because we always think that we can not grow closer. We do things together just to spend time together. I go to scrapbook stores with her and watch the other women, if she sees one that she knows will interest me she points her out. We go to car shows and I point guys (and the rare exceptional woman) to her. All things considered: We love to please each other, and know how to do it just right. But once in a while swinging comes along and helps to improve our relationship. It is not for everyone, but I do think that about 95% of all relationships could benefit from what swinging would bring to them.

[WesternSwing 504]

Is there any scientific evidence that this is so? No, there's only anecdotal evidence since it is difficult to find swingers that have dropped out of swinging because of the negative aspects of the lifestyle on their relationship.

And at that you have to ask "what is the real, underlying reason the relationship went south?" Swinging usually isn't it. It's like a good friend (swinger-friendly but vanilla) observed after attending some swinger parties with us:

 

"Swinging is like the icing on the cake. But if the cake underneath doesn't have all the ingredients to make it solid, all the icing in the world won't keep it from crumbling."

 

Recently we've seen two couples in our circle of friends that have split and are getting divorced. With one couple we saw this coming from the first time we met them three years ago. The other couple we've known for three years but the extent of the problems in their marriage and why they were swinging didn't become apparent until about a year ago. Either way, both couples were using swinging as a bandage on a hemorrhaging relationship. At least they recognize this and don't blame swinging for the the demise of their marriage like so many others do.

 

Mr. WS

[Ed & Bunny 160]

How about what is the negative long term effects of monogamy. Bunny is continualy shocked to hear some of her fellow nurses talk about not having sex for up to months at a time. What kind of relationship is that? I think we can all guess there is some cheating going on in those relationships, and at bare minimum are headed towards divorce. So IS monogamy better?????????

[LFM2 1,482]

How about what is the negative long term effects of monogamy. Bunny is continualy shocked to hear some of her fellow nurses talk about not having sex for up to months at a time. What kind of relationship is that? I think we can all guess there is some cheating going on in those relationships, and at bare minimum are headed towards divorce. So IS monogamy better?????????

 

Monogamy might be better for some marriages. It just doesn't go well in mine. We've been married for over 23 years. It's interesting how neither one of us wanted to voice our opinions on marriage and monogamy, probably for fear of hurting the others feelings, yet both of us had the same thoughts.

 

I guess in my marriage, I'll find out what the long term effects of the lifestyle are, but I doubt it will end in anything adverse. We really are a grounded couple who can't stand the thought of living without the other and who respect the other more than thoughts or actions can say. It's about the most fulfilling relationship I could ever hope for.

 

We also a know a couple who split up, but not because of their lifestyle. I didn't ask and they didn't tell... just to say that it had nothing to do with swinging, which I was thankful for.

[willyoats 324]

In the posts above, there isn't much about the actual negative effects on the person who is writing. It's all about perceptions of society and others who cheat, etc.

 

Here's personal experience: The only negative has been the health issue. Almost as soon as we started swinging, my wife started to have yeast infections after almost every new partner. When we laid off for a year because we were out of the country on business, suddenly no more yeast infections. The connectons between swinging and yeast were pretty clear! The yeast infections were a minor annoyance which was not even close to making either of us want to give swinging.

 

Then, some son of a bitch gave my wife herpes and HPV. She had an outbreak one week which was pretty unpleasant. I had one very small lesion a week later which was hardly even noticeable. That was 8 years ago. Very fortunately, neither of us has had any outbreak or other health problem since. The HPV in her is not the bad kind and it cleared spontaneously. On me, the doc used some kind of lotion that made all of the warts go away.

 

It has not affected our own sex life at all, except for giving up swinging.

 

Only recently, have I started swinging again evey couple of months with a longtime friend who is in an open marriage and who is willing to take the chance. Having not had any signs of outbreak in over 8 years, the risk of contamination is very low according to my Mayo clinic urologist and several other sources.

 

Another of our swinging friends, with whom we had only soft swing experiences and who NEVER, EVER allowed penetration by any swinging partner, got herpes from oral contact (not us). She had two really bad outbreaks in the first year but no more for several years. He never had any, inspite of the fact that they were screwing each other several times a week.

 

A very minor negative was the discomfort that my wife had while trying to keep knowledge of our swinging activities from our children until they were old enough to understand it. (They probably knew anyway.) Our swinging had no bad effect on the kids. They are now grown, responsible, married adults. One has been swinging on occasion for years, and the other has talked quite a bit about starting soon. Unlike us, both had many partners before marriage, so swinging is not quite the same thrill for them as it was for us (who had not had other partners before marriage).

 

Let's now have more personal experiences in this thread and less generalizations and speculation.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

thanks willyoats, your honesty is well appreciated.

[SamuiCouple 70]

'Swinging' puts a spotlight on your relationship. Any cracks like jealousies, mistrust and other insecurities will be highlighted quickly and starkly.

 

Sex is the most powerful force on this planet. Swinging will certainly break your relationship should those cracks appear. If there are no such cracks, or the ones that do appear are addressed effectively, swinging together is an activity that can bind you like nothing else.

[Sin D 15]

if anything, swinging has brought us closer together....probably because of all the open communication. we feel we had a very solid relationship to begin with, and it has improved from there with over 5 years of swinging. most of our "vanilla" friends are in rotten marriages, or at least marriages we ourselves wouldn't want to be in.....as are some of the swinging couples we are aquainted with. but, for some odd reason, the people we know with the most secure marriages are also swingers. so, it has been our experience that it has improved the marriage.....but maybe 5-6 years isn't what some would call "long term."

[stu 25]

I come to think the effects are pretty radical. Its like stealing to me first you start out small then get bigger and bigger then you can't remember why you started as you are sitting in Jail. You start out playing then more and more and before you know it you are boinking everyone that says hi. Not saying anything bad but look at some of the older couples that have been swinging for a while they will boink anything. In some other threads they talked about intimacy. Intimacy breaks down after a while of being in the lifestyle. Once you seen your spouce boinked in every postion by countless people that came and gone what is left? Like in the news about those amish people. Amish been around since the start of america and they are still going strong in there belifs. look at soceity today with our new words for breaking our vows to get what we want(Swinging, Lifestyle, Swapping, etc..). Since we claim to be happy in our own marraiges and would not trade our spouces for anything. What the hell do you think you are doing? You are trading in your loved one for a one night stand and then act like nothing happened. I think the long time effect really really hurts the marraige emotionally. A scar that you can hide but never will go away.

 

 

Swinging is always with mutual consent of the spouses. its about seeing ur spouse have a great time. Its about having a great time with ur spouse.. and another couple...mebbe.Nothing wrong with that.

 

I think its more a reflection of deep love & trust among Lifestyle couples which mebbe the vanilla couples are not able to share between them selves.

 

Dont we know many folks who fantasize a threesome or a foursome...but never have the courage to participate, with their spouse.They may cheat though...to fulfill their fantasy.

 

No, swinging is not for every body...you have to be honest, deeply in love, trusting,be able to enjoy seeing ur spouse in throes of ecstasy L

 

Then why do swingers hide the fact that they are swingers...

Simple...History...some body was hanged( I cant rcollect the name) when he told the world that the world was actually round...and not flat..Moral...It doesnt always pay to be right.

 

My $ 0.02 worth anyway

[Cpl2share 147]

Willyoats has a good point. The problem with it is that most of the people who have had negative outcomes from swinging will not be active on or even reading this forum. Our worst experience in swinging was with our first play couple. We spent a coupel of years developing a friendship with them and it eventually evolved into a soft swing relationship. Things went well until we decided to take it to the next level. The other female was very bi and very much wanted Mrs. Cpl. Mrs. Cpl was okay with soft play, but not ready to go any further than touching. The other wife become very pushy and very petulent when Mrs. Cpl backed down at the last minute. Not only was it very clear that she was still unsure about teh bi play, but she was also under a lot of stress and just coming off a very bad cold. Not conducive to "virgin" play. That friendship disappeared in a matter of two weeks with some very hard feelings. So our bad story is the loss of friends who obviously were not that good of friends to begin with.