Meeting Swingers That Don't Converse

[avgcpl4u 15]

Meeting Swingers That Don't Converse

 

Hi, have you ever met with a new couple (first time meet with them) for drinks/dinner and you ended up doing all the talking and conversing cause they did not talk much or at all? It kinda gave us the impression they weren't very interested in us since they were really quite. Or maybe that was just they're personality?

 

We have met our share of swingers in past years and are still trying to figure some of them out through our past meeting experiences, and was wondering if anyone here has encountered this same scenario when meeting someone new in person for the first time, and your thoughts on this.

 

Thanks :)

[EvilMJ 65]

I think I remember a thread like this earlier.

 

 

But yes I have had that experience. I tend to think it is a personality thing. We were with one couple where she talked constantly and he never said a thing. I thought he wasn't interested in me beacuse he didn't talk to me or flirt or anything, and she tried to convince me that he was. In the end we called it quits..I hate having to do all the work in a conversation, I like to be met halfway

[avgcpl4u 15]

Hi EvilMJ,

 

Great answer! As you said in meeting "halfway". We too agree halfway is always much better. Just hate to send the wrong signal though to have the other couple feel that we talk to much inturn they have'nt spoken a word all night.

 

Guess we just have to move on as we have done in the past when it seems things don't click. :surrender Oh well, thats swinging...LOL....

[GoodThingzCum 15]

I agree with the halfway...usually it turns out he talks to me.and she doesnt talk to him.or vice versa....either way it doesnt work..we enjoy conversation..and its best when its all 4 involved for us......besides..we tend to have more laughter that way! This is SUPPOSED to be fun right?

[Mrs.PaganLovers 15]

The first couple that we met online, we agreed to meet for dinner. We went to a nice club/restaurant, and we tried to involve them in conversation. It didn't get much further than what we did for living, kids and mundane small talk. We had absolutely nothing in common and we were bored silly. They actually wrote back that they liked us and had a good time. I can't do that, I think a personality match up is most important and beyond that if something happens it happens. Personality comes first.

[pumpkins1970 17]

We once met a couple where Mrs. Pumpkin and I carried the conversation 90% of the time we sat with them. The other F talked a bit, but all the other male did was stare at my wife's breast's. Needless to say, we walked away from that meeting thinking "That's 60 minutes of our lives we'll never get back" When we got home we found they had left us a cpl of IM's about what a great time they had, how much they liked us, etc. It was funny reading their IM's because they typed more in those couple of messages then they had said the entire meeting! So for us, meet us halfway and talk...unless you're moaning!

[ShellyM 0]

Hi, have you ever met with a new couple (first time meet with them) for drinks/dinner and you ended up doing all the talking and conversing cause they did not talk much or at all? It kinda gave us the impression they were'nt very interested in us since they were really quite. Or maybe that was just they're personality?

 

I have never experienced this with swingers, but have with plenty of people.....and its awful! As you all can tell, I am very talkative. And Jay is as well. I hate the awkward silences that happen. I can tell you that they are probably just shy, once you get to know them they will probably warm up and talk more. This is why we chat before talking about meeting, because even on yahoo IM I can usually get a feel for whether or not their personalities and ours will click.

[Mr. Truelove 81]

Am I ever guilty of this. If I know you, I can talk just fine. If you are stranger I can talk to you but I tend to be tense and my humor doesn't come out as it does online. Put me next to a really hot woman that I like....ziiiiiiip. I clam right up.

 

It's a work in progress.

[Mrs.PaganLovers 15]

Mr Truelove, you were quiet this past weekend, but you and the Mrs. are so cute! I think we were all afraid this all overwhelmed you guys..so we all kept asking if you guys were ok LOL. Then I read the post "ohmygodtherearebreastinthewindow" and just cracked up . What a sense of humor you have!!!

[rpu3 630]

Am I ever guilty of this. If I know you, I can talk just fine. If you are stranger I can talk to you but I tend to be tense and my humor doesn't come out as it does online. Put me next to a really hot woman that I like....ziiiiiiip. I clam right up.

 

It's a work in progress.

 

Dito

 

Although substitute nice guy for the hot woman. In any case, I make it a point to try to start a conversation now, instead of leaving the spousal unit to carry on the conversation on my behalf. It's getting better, but definitely not my strong suit.

 

You seemed to do just fine last week, though, Mr. Truelove. I do actually recall speaking with you and Mrs. Truelove a little at dinner.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

It seems like 90% of the couples I met with my ex were like this and to make it worse he wasn't much better, so often it felt like I alone was having to carry the conversation for all 4 of us. It seems like the few times that wasn't the case we met up with couples who could talk of nothing other than sex, often loudly in crowded restaurants.

 

When you go home from nights like that to the "we had a great time IMs" doesn't it make you think you are on a swinger version of "Blind Date"

[Thrax 384]

ANOTHER introvert here!

 

I can usually hold a conversation pretty well if the other folks ask a few questions, and the topic (travel, exercise, food, gardening, books, movies except for the American Pie series, etc.) is something I'm at least somewhat familiar with. But if there's dead air, sometimes I panic.

 

And sometimes I've been known to overcompensate by describing EVERY...LAST...DETAIL...OF...MY...TRIPS...TO...FRANCE to someone who once had a layover in Paris. Oh well, some things just weren't meant to be, but I appreciate the folks that can bull through those awkward pauses, and really, honestly, I try.

 

Thrax

[avgcpl4u 15]

Maybe the couple that we had met thought we were so ugly (to them) that they were "Shocked" with SILENCE over the intire night!!!...LOL... They were'nt the great'est looking in the world either, though we usually don't judge people by they're looks, but by attitude.

 

Case in point, they were NEW though to the lifestyle, and possibly had the jidders in being amongst us "freaks" there...LOL... Oh well... has'nt been the first time.

[avgcpl4u 15]

ANOTHER introvert here!

 

I can usually hold a conversation pretty well if the other folks ask a few questions, and the topic (travel, exercise, food, gardening, books, movies except for the American Pie series, etc.) is something I'm at least somewhat familiar with. But if there's dead air, sometimes I panic.

 

And sometimes I've been known to overcompensate by describing EVERY...LAST...DETAIL...OF...MY...TRIPS...TO...FRANCE to someone who once had a layover in Paris. Oh well, some things just weren't meant to be, but I appreciate the folks that can bull through those awkward pauses, and really, honestly, I try.

 

Thrax

 

 

Good point Thrax! ....Better to "FAKE IT" then to show it! Though, we too enjoy people's company that overcompensates about anything and everything in conversing!

 

Cheers

[ShellyM 0]

Put me next to a really hot woman that I like....ziiiiiiip. I clam right up.

It's a work in progress.

 

You know though, I have to admit that I am guilty of this, opposite of course from you. If I am not very attracted to a man I'm funny, witty, the whole thing. Let him catch my eye and I am quiet and shy lol.......go figure, it must be flash backs from the 3rd grade! I'm working on that as well.

[Mrs.PaganLovers 15]

ANOTHER introvert here!

 

I can usually hold a conversation pretty well if the other folks ask a few questions

 

Thrax

 

Thrax, I hate that we didn't get to spend anytime talking with you Friday evening, we were at the other end of the table and except LOL-OMG didn't know anyone. And then you weren't there for the rest of the weekend. You missed a lot of fun. Soooo ....it was nice to meet you

[Alura 2,775]

This has been Mrs. Alura's biggest complaint about swinging: Particularly, men who don't/can't talk. The sex may be very good but after it's over, there's nothing to do.

 

I do agree with Thrax, that asking questions instead of relating stories of your own life, can often get a more introverted person talking.

 

For my part, I find it irksome when a couple we've just met will avoid answering questions, citing "discretion." Bullshit! We're all in this together! If a couple is not willing to share thoughts, we're not going to waste time trying to build a communicative friendship.

 

Speaking of Bullshit, that's another of my communication pet peeves. We always try to meet folks in person who are interested in coming to our Meet Ups! here in Tulsa before we give them the information. We once met a husband and wife, (who turned out not to be married), for coffee, and who (at first) spoke at length about how they just wanted to meet interesting people who swing with no expectation of sex. After all the b.s. came out, we decided we weren't compatible and gently told them we'd like to be friends but that sex probably wasn't in the cards for us. Suddenly, they weren't interested in being friends without benefits. We never saw them again. They did not attend the Meet Up!

 

Mr. Alura

[northindycpl 32]

Shoot... I think this is just part of meeting people- swingers or not. I meet lots of people in and out of the lifestyle that have a difficult time carrying on conversations.

 

I understanding having moments where you are shy and don't want to talk. But I do get irritated always being the extrovert and always asking the questions.

 

Years ago I moderated a Toastmasters group... Which was a huge learning experience in speaking to the public and meeting new people, although for work.

 

It seems to me that if you are going to learn attributes about swinging so that you can improve in areas that you are challenged- such as taking dance classes- then one could in other areas, like conversation and etiquette, too.

 

Just my $.02.

[Tybee Swing 286]

Meeting Swingers That Don't Converse

 

Hi, have you ever met with a new couple (first time meet with them) for drinks/dinner and you ended up doing all the talking and conversing cause they did not talk much or at all? It kinda gave us the impression they were'nt very interested in us since they were really quiet. Or maybe that was just their personality?

 

Yes, a couple of times. We've noticed that with the majority of couples, one is the more outgoing one and the other is quieter. It seems to be the natural way that many couples pair up! That's fine, as long as the quieter one will eventually warm up and open up more during the evening (more relaxed, more talking, laughing, smiling). It might take the quieter one 30 minutes to a couple of hours to warm up, and this is still fine with us. But, if the quiet one is just painfully shy to the bone and won't talk the whole evening, it's really not going to happen and we likely won't be interested enough to go out the second time.

 

If one is very quiet because they seem very stressed, nervous, uncomfortable, and maybe even there under duress (pressure to try the lifestyle, etc), we can tell. Of course, the one under pressure is likely to be the woman in these cases. We definitely won't meet that couple again. If they're not both there because they're sure they want to be, we don't want to be there, either!

[Tybee Swing 286]

We once met a couple where Mrs. Pumpkin and I carried the conversation 90% of the time we sat with them. The other F talked a bit, but all the other male did was stare at my wife's breasts. Needless to say, we walked away from that meeting thinking "That's 60 minutes of our lives we'll never get back"

 

Hi Pumpkins, I laughed out loud about the speechless, staring, boobie-hypnotized husband. I know it wasn't funny at the time to you two, though!

[Mr. Truelove 81]

As long as we are throwing our labels of introverts and extroverts, I'd like to make a point about it.

 

You can go further and say when thrown in with extroverts some introverts will not say anything, and some will force themselves to talk, even if i's just a little. And of course there are the extroverts that don't attempt to ask those open ended questions that get people talking, and then those that do. Like, "So what do you like about swinging." or "What got you thinking about swinging." I had that one popped on me a few times at the last meet-up and it really helps. I recognized it as an opener and tried to take off with it.

 

No matter which group you are in, I think as long as you make some sort of effort at making the conversation work, you should be able to as long as both parties are trying.

 

I, being the introvert, have actually had to carry conversations before. And I hate it when that happens, but I can make it work. Conversation is an art form in and of itself.

 

Mr. Truelove

[Thrax 384]

Thrax, I hate that we didn't get to spend anytime talking with you Friday evening, we were at the other end of the table and except LOL-OMG didn't know anyone. And then you weren't there for the rest of the weekend. You missed a lot of fun. Soooo ....it was nice to meet you

Sorry I missed your post earlier. I just now found it.

 

Yeah, I feel the same way. I realize we just had the last-minute awkward (for me, Mr. Introvert, anyway) sort of nice-to-meet-you-goodbye greeting right before I hit the road. (Although I do remember you sticking your finger in my water glass and then...elsewhere. Imagine if I'd tried that... )

 

Regardless, hope to see you two at DJ's, a Cleveland meet-up, or at some other venue.

 

Take care,

Thrax

[ohash01 20]

We have yet to run into this problem...probably partially because we're so new. We've had one single M and one couple over so far and both sets of conversations were absolutely wonderful!

 

The F in the couple and I are so much alike that it's frightening. We could sit there and yap and yap and yap...I honestly feel sorry for the men.

 

Hm...that's a question I'd like answered...do any of you guys ever just feel "bulldozed" by the women? Haha.

[riswingcpl 16]

As G likes to say, I can make conversation with a tree, so that isn't a problem for me. But the "halfway" point is soooo true. I don't want to be the only one talking, we both want to have an engaging conversation with our swingfriends. If we don't get that, odds are we won't be very interested in those folks.

 

We also like to talk about things other than swinging/sex when we meet. We'll probably find ourselves bored if that's ALL you can talk about. Sexy, flirtatious talk is fun and gets the juices flowing, but if you can't carry on a conversation about anything else...anything...that turns us off. We don't pretend to be MENSA members, but we like a little intellectual stimulation to go with the physical stimulation!!

[Pepper & Drew 384]

Since Drew and I are both talkers, this hasn't happened to us much, but there was one couple that I would have nawed my arm off in order to get away. This couple wrote us for about a year, and we finally said that we'd be glad to meet them for drinks. So, we met them, and.....it was the most painful conversation I have ever had in my entire life! After the whole tell us about yourselves stuff was out of the way, we sat there, blinking at each other.

 

If I have nothing to say to you with my clothes on, there's probably not going to be much in common with our clothes off.

 

Pepper

[NJCouple 16]

My husband is a great conversationalist, but has yet to learn how to flirt. We went to a house party the other night and I had to force him to give the hostess flowers. I'd swear that he was blushing. He never had to learn to flirt with me. We were good friends for years before dating and marrying and have been married 25 years. I know when he is interested in the other woman, but I'm not sure if they always know. LOL. We only started swinging in July and have had a few experiences so I expect he'll learn and get more comfortable with it. I can usually hold a conversation as well, but if the man makes me very hot, I become incoherent. LOL.

In general though, we really enjoy meeting people even if we decide not to play. We have had some really great conversations and made some great friends.

Mrs. njcouple

[Mrs.PaganLovers 15]

Although I do remember you sticking your finger in my water glass and then...elsewhere. Imagine if I'd tried that... )

 

 

Take care,

Thrax

 

OMG was that your water?!! I am so sorry . Please accept my apology Thrax that was very rude of me. And it's all Mrs. LOL-OMG fault! It was her idea for the double dip (however that was kinda fun). We owe you a double dip

[Amanda69 24]

It is interesting that we have put so much on the actual conversation here.

 

My first reaction was, if they aren't talking I would also put a halt to everything.

 

Though after a little thought though some encounters realized it is not about the talking but about the non-verbal communication.

 

I have nights where I sit quietly but if I am interested I can still give a look to a partner or potential partner to catch their attention and let them know things are possible. I can also behave in a manner that says while they might be doing a lot of the talking, that I am interested in what they are saying. I can make eye contact, lean forward, nod my head, (pull my top off - lol just wanted to see who was paying attention).

 

It is all about the interaction between the couples. If there is chemistry it can work no matter who does the majority of talking. If there isn't then no amount of conversation will save the day.

[2jersey 16]

If one is very quiet because they seem very stressed, nervous, uncomfortable, and maybe even there under duress (pressure to try the lifestyle, etc), we can tell. Of course, the one under pressure is likely to be the woman in these cases. We definitely won't meet that couple again. If they're not both there because they're sure they want to be, we don't want to be there, either!

 

We have met mostly extroverts, but we did encounter one female who was particularly shy. We may have misjudged her, but we interpreted her quietness as a sign that she was a reluctant participant. Deal breaker.

[Thrax 384]

OMG was that your water?!! I am so sorry . Please accept my apology Thrax that was very rude of me. And it's all Mrs. LOL-OMG fault! It was her idea for the double dip (however that was kinda fun). We owe you a double dip

Absolutely no apologies necessary.

 

But I'll remember the double dip promise.

 

Thrax

[havefuninsun 122]

And I'm the opposite -- when I get nervous, I talk and talk and talk and talk and giggle and giggle and giggle .... pretty damn obnoxious. But because I know this about myself, I try to stay controlled ...

 

We met one couple one time that even me, the talker, couldn't get the wife to say peep (or boob or ass or anything, for that matter). Finally, Mr. Fun had enough and asked for the check ... as we were walking out to the car, they invited us back to their place (???) We politely declined. The next day, she wrote and said what a wonderful time she had (she didn't even LOOK at Mr. Fun), and I wrote back and said (very nicely) that we didn't feel compatible and good luck to them.

 

Perceptions are a funny thing.