Couple no longer interested in us because they didn't like our boundaries

[azcpl01 15]

We have been in the lifestyle for over a year. We have clear boundaries with each other and inform the couples that we meet of those boundaries. We are soft swap only.

We got into the lifestyle as a way to live out the bi feelings she wanted to explore. We wanted to meet couples as friends first as we needed to be comfortable being new to this. It has always been about the girls and their pleasure. We met a wonderful couple and have become great friends with them. We've also had the pleasure of a few "play" dates with them that have always been wonderful and exciting.

Then, out of the blue, we were told that we are taken too long to get to some of the comfort levels that they are used to. This couple has been full swap with others, but knows about our boundaries and have respected them. In one of the play dates the female performed a little bit of oral on me (the male). This was within our boundaries, but we had also decided that we were not at a point where she would reciprocate. Again, we are in this for her to experiment with females. It is more than enough for me to fondle both women and then have same room sex with my wife while being watched.

Because we aren't willing to perform some of the same acts, we were told that they don't think they can continue doing anything with us sexually. I say "too bad for you" and let's find another couple that understands what it is we are looking for. Is this too confining? Are we not "good swingers" because we won't bend our boundaries (at least not yet)? Is there such a thing as "taking too long?"

[tribbles 490]

They are in it for them, same as you are in it for you.

 

Sure there is such a thing as taking too long.....you took too long for them.

 

Keep in mind, it's not wrong.

 

What you want and what they want are two different things.

 

IMO, you outta just keep looking.

 

Don't sweat the small stuff and this is small stuff.

 

 

S

[ShellyM 0]

I definately do not think you are bad swingers at all. Every couple sets their own comfort levels. I don't think either of you are wrong to be honest. I think you are on different levels of comfort zones, and this does happen. We were going to meet with a couple that are on completely different levels from where we are....although I think they are great people we ended up not playing with them. It is about their fantasy and your fantasy. But if you aren't ready to go where they need to go then I think you just are not sexually compatible at this time. It doesn't make you wrong or bad! You just aren't at the same place right now. So, I would say hey, we can still be friends, and find a couple that is where you are as far as comfort zones go.

[Chicup 42]

You aren't bad swingers but we wouldn't play with you.

 

We are not in it for FF activities only. Your boundries would be confining to us. I suppose the difference is that we wouldn't have met you in the first place and would have let you know right off the bat we were not into just having the girls play.

 

Now if your add said you were 'working into full swap' or something then I wouldn't blame them, and I wouldn't blame them for wanting to move on. There are a lot of FF only couples out there ( ) so I'm sure you will find something to your liking.

 

Honestly if you were looking to move forward beyond FF or implied that and took over a year to get there, you are moving to slow for most couples.

 

I'm also not sure if 'soft swap' really applies to FF only. Its a vague term but I'd think it meant partner FM swapping just no intercourse.

 

Final point is I doubt it was out of the blue from there stand point. They were most likely waiting and hoping you would 'come along' and finally decided you never would and gave up. It might have blindsided you but I'm sure its been building with them.

[Spoomonkey 421]

In one of the play dates the female performed a little bit of oral on me (the male). This was within our boundaries, but we had also decided that we were not at a point where she would reciprocate.

 

I think maybe this is where you went wrong.

 

When we are playing with a couple, we assume that we can go as far as they go with us - and visa versa. If a couple allowed my wife to give the husband a blow job, I would think that a blow job might be coming my way.

 

If not - we'd be a bit confused by the mixed messages.

 

I can see how they might think that you two were being a little selfish and perhaps giving them the wrong idea.

 

But we all make mistakes in the lifestyle - and the heat of the moment tends to be where these mistakes occur. It is probably best that it happened. After all - based on what they said to you, it seems clear they were expecting more - that you would "evolve" to their comfort level. This is obviously not where you two are heading.

 

You absolutely are not "bad swingers". You are doing what is comfortable for you. You don't need to do anything else. In fact, if you ever became "bad swingers" it would undoubtedly be because one or both of you started doing things that crossed the boundaries that you guys need to stay within.

 

Move on - be patient. What you will find is what a lot of soft swingers discover - and that is: it is pretty tough to find soft swap only couples. It is a pretty small niche.

 

Good luck out there - and keep doing what works for you!

 

Spoomonkey

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

It's important that your actions match your words. Like Spoo said the confusion probably came from your actions - you recieved a bj from her, and it's ok for you to touch both women... but your wife wans't going to give anyone but you (or the female) anything... and I'm guessing it probably also wasn't ok for the other guy to touch your wife? So from there, yes it's understandable that another couple might get a)confused and b) a little annoyed.

 

Everyone sets their own boundaries and that's ok. But there are a couple of things that are very imporatant the firs tone is being very clear about your boundaries with every one you play with and that means both in words and in actions. You didn't do anything wrong so much as you just didn't know what to do.

[pumpkins1970 17]

We have to agree with Spoo, by letting her give you oral, the boundary was crossed, and if we were playing with you, then we would be expecting the same in return. If that was not going to happen, then you should have stopped her before/when she started. Everyone has their own pace/limits, we totally respect that, but you must remain steadfast. There is no wrong way to swing either, it is what You are comfortable with. Good luck!

[ShellyM 0]

We have to agree with Spoo, by letting her give you oral, the boundary was crossed, and if we were playing with you, then we would be expecting the same in return. If that was not going to happen, then you should have stopped her before/when she started. Everyone has their own pace/limits, we totally respect that, but you must remain steadfast. There is no wrong way to swing either, it is what You are comfortable with. Good luck!

 

I agree, Jay would have had a heart attack had I given the other husband a bj and then the other wife did not reciprocate. This is kind of what happened with a couple that we did not play with...they like getting but don't like giving. I don't think so lol.

[riswingcpl 16]

Your feelings don't make you "bad swingers", but there seems to have been mixed messages flying around, and that's never good. If you were clear with them that you'd never be into full swap, only looking for FF action, but the other couple expected you to eventually work towards full swap, then they made the mistake. If you led them to believe that your comfort level would grow as the friendship matured, then I think they probably waited as long as they could for that maturation and when the situation didn't change, they hit the eject button. If they waited a year, frankly they gave you much longer than G and I would have.

 

The one-way BJ strikes me as wrong. You should have said no to that, rather than "cashing in" while the other guy was left wanting. Fair is fair.

 

That said, Spoo is right in saying that you'll probably have a hard time finding a soft-swap only couple. I know that G and I wouldn't meet you if you had no intention of moving further than that. We'd meet newbies who wanted to stick their toes in the water BEFORE jumping in, but if they have no intention of jumping, they're not for us.

 

M

[Guest MrsVan]

I say "too bad for you" and let's find another couple that understands what it is we are looking for. Is this too confining? Are we not "good swingers" because we won't bend our boundaries (at least not yet)? Is there such a thing as "taking too long?"

 

In reading your story I would have to say that you both have done nothing wrong. As we all have stated before " go at the slowest person's pace". It seems that the couple thought maybe that starting out slow with the both of you would lead to more later, and because it was not going as fast as they wanted to, they decided it was not worth the wait for them. And your comment of "too bad for you" is exactly the way I would have handled it.. Move on, there will be more couples out there that would be willing to go at that pace.

 

We have met couples who are not ready for full swap in which that is what MrVan and I are comfortable with, but we also know that everyone has to go at their own pace and we have to make sure that everyone involved is comfortable before we move forward. MrVan and I will do what it takes to be patient and make sure that the other couples are comfortable if they start out with soft swap and maybe work their way up to full swap. You cannot rush everyone to do things that you are ready for because depending on how long they have been in the lifestyle will depend on what the other couple is ready for.

 

They I am sure will be missing out on alot and all you can do is move forward and find new couples.

 

It is their loss and someone else's gain facelick

 

MrsVan

[ohmygosh 15]

I gotta wonder if the whole bj thing was a test. If they didn't decide to push it a little and ust to see what would happen and once they found out that this is not going any further decided to break it off. I gotta admit my only real fear and the one thing that might tick me off is if the other guy is allowed to do something or get something that I am not allowed to do or get. I don't think that your wrong. But more likely the other couple is just wanting more and your not able to give it to them. I don't think they are wrong either. I just wonder why they let it go on so long if they were wanting more this whole time. A year is a loooong time to wait. It seems to me maybe give it a little bit, try a few times then if it is not moving at the pace we want we would move on rather quickly.

[MoonLightKiss 28]

I agree with everyone else. You are not bad swingers, but I do think your messages to them might have gotten a little mixed up. By saying you are soft swap FF play only, and then letting the wife give you a bj, you may have sent a message to them that was interpreted as you were ready to move forward, and when you didn't it upset them. I see your position, and when stated clearly, you will have no problem finding other partners. But you must remain constant in your actions. Nothing wrong with either of you. Perhaps its like any other relationship and you ended up wanting two separate things.

 

I would say, wish them the best in their search for another couple, and start looking elsewhere yourself. There are plenty of couples out there.

[SouthBond 18]

My wife and I have gone through almost the same situation and understand your frustration. Without going into the full story, we finally tried it again with the other couple. We played for 6 hours and did just about everything that 4 people can do sexually. Now, no hangups. Since then we have met with them 9 times.

[Pepper & Drew 384]

In one of the play dates the female performed a little bit of oral on me (the male). This was within our boundaries, but we had also decided that we were not at a point where she would reciprocate. Again, we are in this for her to experiment with females. It is more than enough for me to fondle both women and then have same room sex with my wife while being watched.

Because we aren't willing to perform some of the same acts, we were told that they don't think they can continue doing anything with us sexually. I say "too bad for you" and let's find another couple that understands what it is we are looking for. Is this too confining? Are we not "good swingers" because we won't bend our boundaries (at least not yet)? Is there such a thing as "taking too long?"

I'm chiming in with the chorus. Where you went "wrong", if you want to call it that, is that if you're interested in FF play, why do you get to fondle both women, or get a blow job? FF play means that just the females play. It sounds like 3/4 swap to me...and most couples aren't into that, just because it's not an even deal.

 

I don't think you're bad swingers, but with your next playmates, don't allow them to do things with you that you're not willing to reciprocate.

 

Pepper

[clutch 28]

To add on to Pepper and Drew's post script of: "Swinging is a lot like riding a Harley, ...for those who understand, no explanation is necessary; for those who don't, no explanation is possible." --Mr. Alura

 

Another biker saying is "Ride your own ride." If there are 15 bikes ahead of you on some windy's, and they're taking them at 45, and you don't feel comfortable taking them faster than 25, then you do 25 without apology. Maybe some day, you'll take them faster and maybe some day you won't. It doesn't matter; you ride your own ride.

 

Most bikers respect that; for those that don't, f--- 'em.

[LetsParty 17]

In my humble opinion, I just always compare the Lifestyle to regular dating.

 

There is no right. There is no wrong.

 

If I dated a woman who only wanted to go to second base, and I found that frustrating and confining, well, I'd just move on. Of course, rules do get bent A LOT in dating AND in the lifestyle, too.

 

Personally, we don't play with people with those kinds of rules.

 

We are all about the whole libertine... free... if it feels good, do it.... push envelopes... type of encounter.

 

If we meet a couple and for them it's about F-F play only... like, "My wife won't touch your husband because we have rules"... well... we'd just move on.

 

Everyday rules change.

 

I don't think it's fair to label yourselves as a 'bad' swingers. No way.

 

Just find people who think more along your lines, and you should be okay.

 

(As an aside, one thing we don't EVER do is tit-for-tat type of activities. If someone's wife is dying to give me a blowjob and does so... then great for her! It does NOT mean my wife has to give him a blowjob. One time a guy was totally enjoying licking my wife's ass. I didn't feel compelled to reciprocate on her ass! That's cool. But the whole rule thing is something we don't get, and we choose to play with people without rules whenever possible.)

 

But don't judge yourselves harshly!

[Amanda69 24]

Because we aren't willing to perform some of the same acts, we were told that they don't think they can continue doing anything with us sexually. I say "too bad for you" and let's find another couple that understands what it is we are looking for. Is this too confining? Are we not "good swingers" because we won't bend our boundaries (at least not yet)? Is there such a thing as "taking too long?"

 

As a couple you decide what is right and what is wrong for you. Keep in mind this also means couples you play with also have that right to decide what is right for them. Everyone decides from what is communicated verbally and nonverbally who will or could be a match for them. This couple has decided they don't like the way things are going.

 

You are not "bad" swingers. You are not "taking too long". But I do agree with a prior poster given your boundaries we wouldn't be interested in playing with you either.

 

Boundaries and rules are set to make your play time fun for you, enjoy but also don't fault others if they decide you are not for them because of those boundaries and rules.

[GotBatteries? 15]

Chiming in with the majority here. Reverse the situation. Your lady helps the other lady give her man head and you sit back and watch. You watch him fondle your lady, you watch your lady with another lady...eh...after a while, wouldnt you want to maybe, ease on in and stop watching and participate? Even if you are only participating with the same level that the other male is participating in? Seems only fair.

 

Or you could just move on and find another couple that is on the same level, the same page.

 

I agree with this statement...to a point:

"As an aside, one thing we don't EVER do is tit-for-tat type of activities." You (I really should have quoted it but...eh, sorry) used the example of anal oral and you werent feeling the need to reciprocate...tit-for-tat...I agree with you that there is no need to reciprocate in kind, but I am willing to be you reciprocated in spirit. You probably participated in some activity that got the other ladies motor running and everyone felt included and no one felt left out or shafted. So...that still would be a tit-for-tat? I think?

[aahours1 16]

It took us over three (3) years to be with another couple in the same room. We do not go alone, at all. But now we are comfortable with other couples. I leave everything up to my lady(fiancee). She calls the shots and who we can or should not be with. She knows me very well and knows what I like. But I can also just sit back and watch thing develope with the ladies, without me getting involved. We have meet a ton load of people and couples, we own our own swingers club, but we are friends totally with. In the 6 years we have been in the lifestyle we have been with only 3 other couples and one of those where with the previous owners of the club. It takes time for everyone involved to feel and get comfortable with all envolved. Especially the ladies. Men can jump in on any gal, he he just feels like it. I found men not to be as picky as ladies are and maybe that is good. They protect us men alot of the time in that area. THANK YOU LADIES

[telly2 15]

You didn't go wrong, they knew your boundries, and the fact that she initiated a BJ, was her perogative, if they knew that your wife wouldn't then that was thier issue not yours.

 

My advice to you maybe to find a bi female to play with, if exploring your wifes bi side is the main event. Or another couple with the same intent as you, I am sure there are couples out there with the same intent.

 

My feelings are this lifestyle is for the benefit of all not just one, If people can't accept your boundries are hard limits and not a thing that weill change at their will, that is their prob. Getting into a relationship to change people never works and only causes heart break.

 

I hope you find a couple who will accept you for what you are not what they want you to turn in to. There is no standard for any lifestyle.

[azcpl01 15]

Thank you to everyone who has responded. I don't want to keep this thread going but I think there were valid points made. We just wanted to get a feel from others who have had similar situations and how it was dealt with. We are still great friends with the couple and who knows, maybe something will spark up again.

The best thing about the responses was what I have felt about the lifestyle from the beginning. It's very open, each person or couple defines their own rules, and there is someone out there looking for the same thing.

Thank you for giving us something to discuss between ourselves. It has made us look at this situation from different angles.