Men being friends with the other male

[Mr. Truelove 81]

Two questions mostly directed to the male half of the swinging couples. Women, feel free to respond, your input is always valued.

 

How important is it that you like the other guy that you plan to swing with in the heterosexual manner, either in a MFM or in a MFMF? Does he have to be respectable? Is it up to the woman? Do you have any standards whatsoever?

 

Also, to the more experienced folk, is it uncommon that the guys would get along really well?

 

Personally I found it very important that the guy my wife would have would be someone that I respected, or at least someone I thought was "good enough" for my wife. Perhaps it was my protective nature, or something. But I felt that it was important.

[Spoomonkey 421]

Good question! And one that is very important to me.

 

I don't have to feel like I am going to be best friends with the guy, but he does have to be someone who is willing and able to engage me in conversation.

 

Couples or singles - the same rules apply. We are attracted to people who we can both talk to - not always deep conversations, but you can pick up a lot about a persons character. Are they respectful or are they simply "uh-huh" types who see talk as a neccessary evil? Are they intelligent or are they neanderthals who are going to plow ahead without once utilizing the most powerful sex organ (their brain)?

 

I also need to feel like the guy who is going to be laying his hands on my wife is going to be someone I can trust her with. Mrs Spoo has a great sense of that herself, but it has to come across to me.

 

We've had single guys try to block me out (literally block me out!) when they are talking to Mrs Spoo - or they have only talked to Mrs Spoo once I have walked away - or they've decided based on some stupid thought or other that the best way to impress Mrs Spoo was to disrespect me with their "humor"; as if putting me down was some sort of aphrodisiac.

 

And the best connections we have ever had have been with couples who we have a sense we might like out of the bedroom as well as in.

 

I talk a lot about the "one single guy" that we have enjoyed... This is a guy who has become one of my best friends. We e-mail often and talk on the phone occasionally.

 

So - yeah - I would say it is important...

 

I read your question to Mrs Spoo and she said it is "critical." If I don't like him, she won't like him. It is that simple.

 

PS - I like you a lot, Mr. Truelove

[VanHlebar 187]

Well for us, if it is a single guy, I need to at least be able to get along with the guy. Like Spoo said, we have had a number of single guys that for some reason think that by completely ignoring me is going to somehow quickly get them into MrsVan's bed. Hello, would just a simple "Hello mind if I do your wife?" really kill you?

 

I say that half joking b/c the number of single guys that will repeatedly ask MrsVan to meet alone after we have been upfront that we do not play alone that is gets quite old.

 

When it comes to couples, currently we have been lucky that the other guy has always been someone that I really like and really got along with well. I don't think I could turn my wife over to some guy that I didn't feel would treat her right, period. I don't necessarily have to be great friends with the guy, but I do need to at least be able to talk with him and carry on some kind of conversation with him. If not, then how can I get a feel if I can truly trust him with MrsVan?

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

It's very important to me as a female that my guy like, respect and approve of any male that I may potentially play with.

[pumpkins1970 17]

First things first, My wife's approval is paramount, then as long as he's(well they, as we only play with couples) are decent and can carry on conversation, then we go from there. We have to be able to be more than physically attracted to people too. If you don't like like who you play with, then how can you have any fun?

[WesternSwing 504]

We ask ourselves with any swing candidate "if it weren't for sex, would we be friends with this person/couple?" If the answer is "yes" then it's game-on. The key is that we would be friends with them/him/her. Although it is about sex, for us to get to that point there has to be more chemistry than just physical attraction. It doesn't mean we have to become friends, that is how we tend to gauge our candidates for playmates.

 

So, yes, there has to be attraction all the way around, even in a heterosexual manner. I have to like a potential single male just like Mrs. WS does, and she has to like a potential single female as much as I do, even if the plan is to play solo with them. We insist that they are comfortable with both of us, also.

 

Maybe it is being protective, but most of all it is everyone being comfortable with the situation.

[Mrs Spoomonkey 118]

I say that half joking b/c the number of single guys that will repeatedly ask MrsVan to meet alone after we have been upfront that we do not play alone that is gets quite old.

 

Our first single guy we meet the second time at a club did this to us. We laid out the rule that I don't email privately and we play together. It looked like it was going to be nice relationship. He lived fairly close and Spoo even surprised me with a mid-week play visit from him. We told him when we'd be at the club again so we could meet and play there as well.

 

Then he did it Spoo went to get us more drinks and this guy leans over and whispers in my ear that he could email me privately some really hot stuff. I told him "again" that he had our joint email and that was the only one he was getting but he could email this "hot stuff" there and should mention it to Spoo to see if it was okay. He said he didn't want to mention it to Spoo because he knew he'd be angry. I told Spoo about the conversation as soon as he returned. The guy never said a word to him so it was very obvious he was trying to "back door" Spoo. We didn't play with him that night and once home we immediately emailed him and told him he wouldn't see us again. I didn't appreciate him trying to sneak around and it was insulting to me that he thought I would do that.

 

Anyway...all that to say it is very important that Spoo and the other man get along and that we can trust him. The single guy that Spoo referred too in his post is the best. I was even home sick one day and emailing Spoo back and forth...he was also emailing our single friend and told me I should send him an email from home. Before my email was ever responded too he shot Spoo and email and said I had sent him one. Now that is someone you can trust as Spoo says with your Pin number

[ohash01 20]

As the female, I don't think I'd be able to play with someone J. disliked. NOW...if there is someone I am really attracted to, I will give him a little nudge like saying "please...try to find something in him you like?" But when it comes down to it, if he says no, it's a no.

 

There have been guys that he just hasn't liked or has gotten a bad vibe from. There's one guy he really likes and thinks he could hang out with as guys (since they are both major computer/electronics nerds...haha). Plus, J. finds his wife to be very sexy. So that's a plus.

 

For us, it depends on how "easy" it is outside the bedroom. We're not big on the "forced" or "this is just for sex" feelings.

[justforfun 4744 15]

The wife and I have just had our first MFM threesome. I do agree that the final say goes to her. But she has put the initial contact in my court, saying she trusts me to decide whether or not they are going to be good playmates. I think it is very important to visit with the possible incoming playmate, to see if they are going to be respectful of your SO. A man can usually tell if another is one that can be trusted and will respect a couples wishes.

[WildMiCouple 325]

Mr Truelove, for us, Tammy always has the say first. She's the one that has to find the guy attractive and personable enough to get intimate with. If that happens, I've found that I usually get along well with the guy too. After all, she's gotta have good taste.....she married me Generally, if it's a guy I'd enjoy spending an afternoon with, I'm usually good to go. And that's generally something you can determine in the first 15 minutes you spend with them. Well.....unless they're on the shy side That's why we don't like the internet chatting. The face to face is where you can evaluate someone much better. You'll find the more people you meet, the sooner you'll be able to identify the ones that you'd be interested in. And Tammy's not about to be attracted to someone that I don't find respectable either. She'd catch that without me even mentioning it to her But I'll tell you.....she has surprised me a time or two on who she's found attractive

 

The guy never said a word to him so it was very obvious he was trying to "back door" Spoo.

Well I certainly hope he planned on using protection LOL. That's all you need is someone sneaking around to backdoor you. You're making me jumpy, Mrs Spoo

[Chicup 41]

Do you think I'm going to let the love of my life have sex with a guy I don't like?

 

I let her pick'em for looks, but we both pick on personality. Same goes for her as well.

[pagan-lovers 15]

We are in this together and as such; it is very important we BOTH like anyone we are going to play with. Besides if you don't like someone, how much fun can that be. You will have to talk sooner or later.

[good times 991]

I say that half joking b/c the number of single guys that will repeatedly ask MrsVan to meet alone after we have been upfront that we do not play alone that is gets quite old.

We had this happen with the first single guy we played with. I can't count how many times Mrs. GT has been asked by single guys if they could meet her alone that we haven't even played with. At least twice at the club we went to Saturday night, that I know about, I don't keep track much any more it happens so often. Mrs. GT has gotten to where she stomps their dick (verbally, not litteraly) pretty hard when this happens and they persist, not because she wants to be perceived as a bitch, but because it is the only thing that seems to work with some of them. I think this is the main thing that has almost put us totally off of single guys.

 

To answer the original question, if I didn't like the guy, for any reason, we wouldn't be playing with him.

[ShellyM 0]

In response to the OP, Jay and I are each others "first base"....what I mean when I say this is, you have to go through him to get into my pants, and vice versa lol. Just today I was talking with a gent that Jay was not comfortable with, and so I told the man very tactfully and in a nice way that we would not be talking anymore. I have only the highest respect for my husband in that regard. Anyways, Jay would be willing to play with a man that is bi-curious, as long as he is respectful and does not push past Jay's comfort zone.

[ShellyM 0]

Well for us, if it is a single guy, I need to at least be able to get along with the guy. Like Spoo said, we have had a number of single guys that for some reason think that by completely ignoring me is going to somehow quickly get them into MrsVan's bed. Hello, would just a simple "Hello mind if I do your wife?" really kill you?

 

Van, you have absolutely NO IDEA how much we can relate to that lol. I can't imagine how a man thinks that he can just squeeze in past the husband, and same with squeezing in past the wife.

 

I say that half joking b/c the number of single guys that will repeatedly ask MrsVan to meet alone after we have been upfront that we do not play alone that is gets quite old.

 

This is why it says specifically in our profile that we do NOT play alone, but still they ask.

[riswingcpl 16]

We generally have the same "gut feelings" about folks...guys, ladies, or couples. We are so much on the same wavelength it's frightening sometimes.

 

But the answer is yes...we BOTH need to approve playmates. If either of us doesn't care for the other(s) playing with us, it's a no-go. If the guy can't communicate with me, or the woman can't communicate with G, it ain't gonna work. Also, any attempt to "back door" around either of us will lead to termination of relationship at once. We do not meet anyone alone, and make that clear. You try to go around that golden rule, and you're done with us.

 

Is it common for guys to get along? In our experience, yes. Most guys we've been with (single or part of a couple) are respectful of the fact that G is my wife, and is going to stay that way, so if you want to get with her, you'll need to be able to get along with me. I would also guess that most single guys are aware that they are a dime a dozen...no offense intended, but finding a guy for mfm isn't hard at all...so they'd best be able to get along with me. We're lucky in that we have found a regular friend for that almost a year ago...he's a great guy, and both G and I enjoy his company!

[LOL_OMG 130]

We have not had an encounter with a single male due to things such as mentioned above, along with our own experiences at clubs. I think the key ingredient is respect, if someone shows it then it makes it much easier to like them. We met a couple at a bar once, the guy treated his mate like crap...Gong... seeya later.

 

Not to beat a dead horse but the Ohio meet and greet was an example of the bright side. Every single person there showed respect for all the others and it was the most fun we have had in quite a while.

 

Like riswingcpl we have a good sense about people. If the shields go up, were hitting warp drive. Go with your gut and things will usually work out for the best.

[lost_j1 5]

:surrender:

 

Heck I don't know what to say every time I voice my opinion on a guy she is talking with I feel I am the bad guy here. I have no problem who she is chatting with, but these last two just annoyed me. When I mention it she ask so pissy and I look like the bad guy. Then I hear well I won't use the PC anymore. The first one was this guy she was chatting with which I have know ideal who they are comes on the SLS video chat and starts talking like I was Shelly. I told him I was not her, then he starts to ask me question on all of Shelly's likes. Not even a hello, who is this, what am I doing or anything like that. He starts asking questions that will score him brownie points with her. After around the 5-6 question I started to ignore him. All he wanted to know is what words to get into my wife's pants the quickest. Mind you he is a single guy.

 

This next guy starts to email my wife and chatting. Then he is the one who says he wants to have jack-n-jill party. So they chat for a while then he starts to leave her messages like he wants to meet her to and do her(his words). Of course is SLS site says he is married and he is once a month going to San Antonio for a meeting and wants something regular. He also states in his one email that I can TAG ALONG if I wanted to its okay with him. Like I had a choice in the matter and it was his decision. After trying to set up this Jack-n-Jill party he emails Shelly and says if she wants to come alone he will cancel the party on everyone else. She emails him back saying we can masturbate at home. He then replies we its now swapping party in a one room hotel that he is inviting people from SLS too.

 

Me, I just get two bad feelings and when I bring them up I am the bad guy. Heck I don't care if the two guys ar not my best friends or even close. Shit at least acknowledge me as if I even existed and not be quick to just leave me out of it. I don't want my wife going out with any guy I feel don't feel comfortable with. Hell I still think the second guy is not even married, but posing as one so he don't get blocked on SLS. That's just my opinion and I can't be sure although he says he's not. I just don't think giving out your IM just everybody you see on SLS. Also giving out our home phone number as well when we have young children. All I can say is give me the chance to at least know your name and chat for a while before trying to make the moves on my wife...

 

That's Just Me.

[Guest MrsVan]

As MrVan stated earlier, the guy whether it be part of a couple or single has to get my approval as well as MrVan's approval. If the guy is playing games and wanting to do things behind MrVan's back then there is no way I would play with him. I am a woman and like to be treated with respect. I am not in the lifestyle because as some single guys think "MrVan isn't doing his job and I need a real man to help please me" well this just isn't the case. MrVan and I like a guy who knows his place and realizes he is here for our pleasure.

 

With that being said, I also feel that the woman whether it be a single or of a couple has to be active with me as well. If a woman does not interact with me and make conversation with me or completely leaves me out of conversations, then she is not going to get with MrVan.

 

I do not expect us all to be great friends but if we find a couple who all of us hit it off and things go well, then we enjoy those types of friendships as it is clear that we all have a lot in common and getting 4 people to be similar is hard to find. MrVan and I have been extremely lucky that we have found couples who we both get along with the other couple and not just one of them but both of them. And that in of itself is part of the reason why we got into the lifestyle. We wanted to spice up our already amazing sex life and hopefully make new friends.

[Mr. Truelove 81]

Good, I expected some people to agree, but I didn't expect the overwhelming response.

 

Thank you all for your input.

[LOL_OMG 130]

:surrender:

Me, I just get two bad feelings and when I bring them up I am the bad guy. Heck I don't care if the two guys ar not my best friends or even close. Shit at least acknowledge me as if I even existed and not be quick to just leave me out of it. I don't want my wife going out with any guy I feel don't feel comfortable with.

Jay

 

Hun not to derail the thread, but it sounds like when you object to something, your SO calls you the bad guy? If so, you need to talk a bunch...our deal is that it needs to work for both people or it's broke.

 

When you say you don't want your wife "going out" with someone, are you talking about an open relationship? Just clarifying here...

[clutch 28]

Personally I agree with almost everyone's sentiments. We are exclusive with another couple, but we entertain a lot; in the summers their can be 20 or 30 people in our house (totally vanilla parties which our significant other couple does not come to--they have their own social life as well).

 

And at times, I have met fellows that too me personally act like arrogant sob's. And yet to my wife, they are sweet, tender (not in an inappropriate way, just genuinely nice).

 

And after the party, we'll talk. And my wife will wonder how we could be talking abou the same person, and I having seen both behaviors, the negative towards me and the "puppy dog" towards her, I agree with her to the point that she just didn't see what I saw.

 

She listens and takes me seriously.

 

Since its not a swing or deep friendship issue, it usually just drifts away like floatsam going by on a boat. As Confuscious says, "Choose your battles."

 

But if a person is disrespectful from the get-go, I wouldn't waste time trying to make it better. I would look for a couple that gels all the way around. Not only are they out there, but they're out there in abundance.

[WesternSwing 504]

:surrender

 

Heck I don't know what to say every time I voice my opinion on a guy she is talking with I feel I am the bad guy here. I have no problem who she is chatting with, but these last two just annoyed me. When I mention it she ask so pissy and I look like the bad guy. Then I hear well I won't use the PC anymore... Me, I just get two bad feelings and when I bring them up I am the bad guy. Heck I don't care if the two guys ar not my best friends or even close. Shit at least acknowledge me as if I even existed and not be quick to just leave me out of it. I don't want my wife going out with any guy I feel don't feel comfortable with. Hell I still think the second guy is not even married, but posing as one so he don't get blocked on SLS. That's just my opinion and I can't be sure although he says he's not. I just don't think giving out your IM just every body you see on SLS. Also giving out our home phone number as well when we have young children. All I can say is give me the chance to at least know your name and chat for a while before trying to make the moves on my wife..........

 

That's Just Me

Jay, I also don't want to derail this thread, but I feel this needs to be addressed. In fact this would be better posted in the "Situational Help" forum.

 

I'm not there and I don't know how you are approaching your wife regarding this matter, so for all I know you may be coming across to her in a manner which belittles her judgement and the fact that she is an adult. On the other hand, you may not. I say this because my wife is sensitive to any criticism (goes back to bad childhood with an emotionally abusive mother) so I have had to really adjust how I approach her on things so as to get my feelings across without making her feel like I'm treating her like a naive child.

 

So assuming that you are not doing this, here is my advice:

 

You have every right to feel the way you do. If it doesn't work for either of you than it doesn't work for both of you. There were times I have been uncomfortable with a single male that was pursuing Mrs. WS and when I told her so it turned into a "your just trying to kill my fun because you don't trust my judgement" argument. It was far from it. He just gave me the willies. I am a guy and I know how guys operate to get in a woman's pants. I can see through them like a freshly washed window. So far I've been batting 1,000 with flushing-out the players. They usually show their true colors by trying to cut me out of the loop, like other have mentioned, and Mrs. WS puts the brakes on it right away then. Of course I can't mention I was right in this circumstance... :rollseyes

 

The point is, as I am trying to point out with personal experience, this is a tough subject to discus without hurting someone's feel bads. Nobody likes to be told they are, or could be, wrong about anything. So cut her a little slack there. If these guys turn out to be creeps she has to learn that by herself. You can advice her, but you don't own her, and therefore you can't control her. You can only protect her so far then you have to ask yourself are you really trying to protect her (she is an adult) or are you really trying to protect you?

 

If she is truly carrying it too far, and it is causing strife in your relationship, than you both need to back-out for awhile until you can both handle it emotionally. As Mrs. WS once said: "If you want to play with the big girls, you gotta' be a big girl." Same goes for men. I would say until you can both work this issue out you both need to slow down and re-assess where you are at and what you hope to get out of the lifestyle.

[lost_j1 5]

The point is, as I am trying to point out with personal experience, this is a tough subject to disucuss without hurting someone's feel bads. Nobody likes to be told they are, or could be, wrong about anything. So cut her a little slack there. If these guys turn out to be creeps she has to learn that by herself. You can advice her, but you don't own her, and therefore you can't control her. You can only protect her so far then you have to ask yourself are you really trying to protect her (she is an adult) or are you really trying to protect you?

 

This is the kind of crap why I don't post out here much. I love my wife and I don't want any harm to ever come to her. I let her make her own choices, I just give her input on my feelings. Protect my self your damn right I am!!! Because your not the one that has to live with any bad mistakes that happens I am. If I feel the guy is not being forward I let her know. There are a lot of guys out there that know how to sweet talk there way into a lot of things. She chats with a lot of people she meets up on SLS, but I voiced my opinion on two single males. When I feel that these single males are trying to get her to leave me at home and just tell her to drive 30-45 miles to meet them by her self. Oh HELL no will she drive that far to meet some guy in a hotel room she only chatted with on the internet. Now you may allow your wife to meet men you know nothing about not me. Also you may allow your wife to drive 30-45 miles away and have drinks with some guy, but not me. I am not worried about who's better in bed I worry that some sick ass may rape, beat, or harm my wife. That's why I prefer couples more to say then singles. I don't tell her not to chat with anyone I leave that up to her. Like I said I just let her know if I think the guy is being a snake in the grass. It just seems a little odd to me that if you want to get into a threesome with a couple you only try to work on one person verse both.

[LFM2 1,482]

Do you think I'm going to let the love of my life have sex with a guy I don't like?

 

Exactly!

[Spoomonkey 421]

Now you may allow your wife... Also you may allow your wife...

 

I think maybe this is a critical point and - sorry Mr. Truelove - but maybe we have reached a place of threadjack.

 

There is not a point of "allowing" my wife... I don't allow her or dis-allow her anything. We discuss and agree upon things together - respectfully. She respects me, I respect her, and the rest is pretty easy.

 

I am not comfortable with her e-mailing, IM'ing, PM'ing or otherwise talking to guys without me being a part of the conversation. She understands - respects that - and is not comfortable with it either. So it just doesn't happen.

 

The nice thing about this is - I don't have to convince her that the guys she talks to are up to no good - or are snakes in the grass. When we are together, we are hearing the same things, picking up the same vibes. For us, that is critical and makes things very easy. When we discuss situations, ninty-nine times out of a hundred we are in 100% agreement. If not - we respect each other enough to listen. And - when we can't agree - we go with the one who is saying "no." After all - it is far better for the "yes" person to be right, and never know it - than for the "no" person to be right and you both learn that fact far too late...

 

My advice is just simply get on the same page. Do your e-mailing and IM'ing together. Make swinging a couples sport and all the drama starts to fade away.

[intuition897 2,179]

There is not a point of "allowing" my wife... I don't allow her or dis-allow her anything.

Sorry Spoo, this may be the one time I disagree with you! I do think it's a matter or "allowing" one another to do something. In reality, your spouse is his or her own person and will do whatever he or she wants. But when we use the word "allow", it just means that some things are acceptable to us and others absolutely are not. I can understand Jay's POV here; it would really suck to be totally disrespected by some jackass the way he apparently was. But what would suck even more is when my husband didn't respond to that disrespect in an appropriate way...like by telling the bimbo to fuck off. Is chivalry dead? I'd like to think it's not. I'd want him to "defend my honour" in this way. Likewise, I would do the same for him. I will NOT put up with someone making MY baby feel put down! He deserves better. I'm sure everyone here feels the same for their own spouse.

 

I guess I just mean that I don't have a problem with the word "allow". Mr. intuition has absolute veto power. I have given him that right. But that right is actually a privelege. If I find that he is not using this power I've given him responsibly and in a way that protects me, I have a responsibility to take it back. We do this for one another. It's a bit like being elected a nation's leader. You are trusted to make decisions in the best interest of the people who elected you, and they trust and abide by those decisions. That's the deal. The catch is that you have a huge responsibility in that you must make GOOD decisions and use common sense, fairness and wisdom. If you abuse this power, you stand to be impeached. Just as the people have a responsibility to question the quality of their leadership, so do we as individuals have a responsibility to question the integrity of those in whom we place our trust.

 

 

We discuss and agree upon things together - respectfully. She respects me, I respect her, and the rest is pretty easy.

 

This I agree with. If we just follow one simple rule - "Just don't hurt each other!" - the rest is gravy. Jay, I think maybe what you're talking about is a simple lack of understanding between you. Crossed wires. You are both headed in the same direction, you both have the same goal in mind, you both feel the same way...you just don't realize it. So maybe you guys could try simply reading one another's posts and read between the lines a bit. Be realistic about what the other is actually thinking/feeling, rather than what an over-active imagination tells you is going on. For example, the key, I think, would be to explain to Shelly what you are and are not objecting to, and precisely why. To be specific, it is because you love her and fear for her safety...not because you are trying to "rein her in" or tie her down in any way. This isn't about control, is it? Just safety? So let her know that. That's part one. Part two is that Shelly needs to believe what you tell her is the absolute truth.

 

God I love swingers. Y'all are so cool. Just you wait, you two. Once you get this wrinkle smoothed out, you'll be all smiles and you'll be closer than you were before.

[Spoomonkey 421]

Mr. intuition has absolute veto power. I have given him that right. But that right is actually a privelege. If I find that he is not using this power I've given him responsibly and in a way that protects me, I have a responsibility to take it back.

 

So you allow him to allow you...

 

???

 

I get what you are saying - and it really is a matter of semantics that all comes down to this:

 

If we just follow one simple rule - "Just don't hurt each other!" - the rest is gravy.

 

I have never really been put in a position where I would have to veto anything - or "not allow" something. Since we put respect first - and both have the attitude towards each other that we'll always put each other first...

 

And since we know each other well enough that we know what hurts each other - even those subtle little hurts...

 

She has never had to allow me to not allow her anything

 

See? Semantics...

 

And this stuff really isn't much more difficult than that...

[intuition897 2,179]

So you allow him to allow you...

 

???

Exactly.

 

I have never really been put in a position where I would have to veto anything - or "not allow" something. Since we put respect first - and both have the attitude towards each other that we'll always put each other first...

 

And since we know each other well enough that we know what hurts each other - even those subtle little hurts...

 

She has never had to allow me to not allow her anything

Same here. I think we mean the same thing, but we are just arguing about the words. I guess I just mean that even if I disagreed with him about someone's character - he felt the guy was a snake in the grass, even though I had reason to believe otherwise - I would ultimately respect his feelings on the matter and not press the issue...even if I WAS right.

 

We have very few rules between us, but one that we do have is "No disrespect allowed."

[curiousagain 326]

Exactly. ............"No disrespect allowed."

 

 

That sums it up. Trying to "back door" somebody shows a lot of things about the guy including but not limited to, lack of character, lack of being in touch with reality, lack of foresight, lack of balls, and especially lack of respect for both of the couple and their relationship.

[Dooode 18]

I've been following this topic for a while and I think this is a great discussion!

 

I've come to realize a long time ago that it is absolutely important for one male to have some level of friendship with the other male in order for the swing match to work. I've always thought that's how it's supposed to be. After all, my first couple had 20+ years in the lifestyle and the husband and I hit it off great, so I've always patterned my behaviours after that model.

 

I was msg'd by the wife of a couple the other day on Yahoo Msgr, and upon seeing them return online, I messaged them back, only to discover I was speaking to the husband, whom I've never spoken to. I spent a good 15 minutes chatting and getting to know the guy and at the tail-end of the conversation, he sent me an invite over to their place for a weekend.

 

I never could understand how some male, single or otherwise, can just move in on the other's wife and expect things to run smoothly. It just doesn't make sense to me. After all, a marriage is a permanently bonded relationship and I am only a temporary inclusion into their playtime and so it only makes sense that I should ackknowledge and get along with both. As Spoo and I were discussing the other day, I should be the husband's PARTNER in pleasing his wife .. so we should see eye-to-eye on how things work in their relationship.

 

Honestly. I don't know where to go with this topic. I see where all these couples are coming from and I wish it would be different for them. There ARE great experiences to be had, if only people made the effort to speak and get to know each other.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

:surrender:

 

Heck I don't know what to say every time I voice my opinion on a guy she is talking with I feel I am the bad guy here. Jay

 

You two definitely need to sit down and talk some things out. It seems like the two of you have different viewpoints on what is going on.

[Jamie&Kieth 36]

Speaking on behalf of my husband, yes it is important that he is friends with the other male partner and it is equally important that we all get along socially in & out of the bedroom.

 

Would not have it any other way. The couple we have been swinging with we have known each other for about 15 years so there is a level of comfort, trust and understanding.

 

We do not swing outside of our group which includes 4 other couples, we are all on the same page as to not going outside the circle. Yes, we do get together even when sex is not on the agenda as we get along with mutual interests besides sex.

[havefuninsun 122]

In our view, it's important that everyone be friends ... the first couple we had the pleasure of hooking up with was totally from the men folk chatting on SLS first before the girls were even introduced. That's not always how things work -- one couple we met we got to know from my emailing the other Mrs, then we introduced the guys. And sometimes, I chat with the other male and Mr. Fun chats with the other female. But, if Mr. Fun were to say "no," then no means no. And the same is true reversed ...

[Mr.T 16]

Damn straight on that one!

 

Now I'm not saying it has to be a "give your life for him"type friendship.But i prefer to know a good deal of acurate info before I'll hand off the Mrs. to him.How do I know he's not a masochist disguised as a swinger?

[let's do it again 414]

I leave the choice of whom we swing with to my SO, if we mesh that's great. We have swapped with guys I know, and guys who are total strangers. We have had pretty good luck with the guys, usually it's the women that have hang ups or strange rules.

[Numex 2,416]

Fortunately, Daniela has good judgement and taste in people generally, and I have had no problem with the men she was seeing/fucking when we were in our early hotwifing stage.  I met and was on good terms with those men, the three of us always meeting at least once before they played was one of our conditions, and I socialized with a few of them on occasion.  This was the point when I got over the strangeness of talking about my wife with a guy who was fucking.  I also had no problem with any of the men when we were swinging generally with couples.  Daniela turned down a lot more couples than I have, some she steered us away from a few couples where I found the women attractive and I liked, but she sensed would be drama.

 

Now within our closed group of married couples, I would say that all of the husbands are friends to varying degrees, there is respect all around, and we do get together occasionally to help one another and do things other than to fuck each others wives.  

Edited April 30, 2023 by Numex

[Anon321 522]

It's pretty rare that my GF would pick someone that I don't like but it has happened.  One time in particular I remember walking in on her getting facefucked by a guy I hated.  This was at a party and I didn't know the guy well but the look he gave me when he turned his head just pissed me off.  I got over it pretty fast as she didn't know I didn't like the guy but there was a second of jealousy and anger.

[enhancer 1,585]

Yes it is super important that we both get respect from men that are interested in joining us as well as they must be able to hold a conversation with both of us.  We only play together and the lifestyle is about both of us and anyone else we choose to let join us.  Make it super clear on our profiles.  If some guy sends a message directed at just her they just blew any chance of meeting us.  No second chances, because the first impression is important to us.  Why the hell would I want some douche bag getting a chance to be with the most important person in my life? 

[couplers 4,640]

Needless to say, in our poly family the guys get along well.  Several observations: 1) They're not bi in any way, with each other or with other guys.  2) They work together as family members extremely well, despite having totally different personalities - David the engineer, Red the creative, artsy type.  3) Although they have sex together with us women individually and together, I have never heard them talk about the fact that they are fucking the same women (the way that we women do).  4) They both have closer vanilla friends other than each other.  5) Finally, they both love each of the children as their own, regardless of paternity.