Want to swing so that I can have an orgasm

[loladoreen 15]

My husband and I are weighing the pros and cons of swinging. we have not yet done it. I have a BIG question.

 

One of the reasons we want to try it, is for sexual satisfaction. I want to have an orgasm. I haven't in 10 years. Maybe if I'm with someone else I could?

 

Is this ok? Our idea is a MFM threesome.

 

Will this put people off?

[rudrjunk 28]

Wow! first of all WELCOME to the board.

 

On the orgasm front, i would say that if you truly enjoy sex with each other, then the orgasm would be a natural process. However, if your sexual life with each other is not entirely satisfactory, you may try toys or sex therapy. I don't think that you not having a orgasm for the last 10 yrs might turn someone off.

 

But you should put up your expectations with each other and make sure that your marriage does not suffer due to swinging. A sincere request would be to go thru the various forums on this board. There is a wealth of information and lots of good people with good advice. So take some time to read and make an assessment of your fantasies and then jump into swinging.

 

Hope this helps.

[Chicup 41]

I'd look at it this way and in my normal harsh fashion.

 

If you haven't had an orgasm in 10 years, why do you think that is? Most swinging women I have met tend to be multi-orgasmic, and all seem to be able to orgasm with their partners no problem.

 

If your husband hasn't been able to get you off in 10 years, why would another woman want to give it a go with him?

 

I see swinging as making a good sex life better, not a poor sex life good.

[Lumina 16]

I don't know anything about you, your husband, or your marriage. But I can imagine that having your first orgasm in 10 years by another man has big potential for drama. How is your husband going to feel about that? How will you feel toward the other man?

 

Have you not had any orgasm at all in 10 years, or just not by your husband? Can you bring yourself to orgasm? If not I can't imagine how another guy is going to have much luck. If it's a lack of skill or stamina or something on your husband's part then I can't imagine that he or his partners would enjoy swinging much. Personally I would work on the orgasm thing before swinging. What have you done to try to fix it that hasn't worked?

[ShellyM 0]

First of all, welcome.

 

I don't think you will necessarily have an orgasm with another man. I would suggest that you start by masturbating and learn what feels good where on your own body. How can you tell a man what feels good if you don't know yourself? He doesn't know, he can't feel what you feel. So that's my first suggestion. Second, don't enter into swinging for that reason, imo. You need to really be mentally ready for what swinging entails. People tend to see just the "happy" part of swinging. But you are trying to meld 4 separate personalities into a relationship, or 3. It can be tricky, and takes mature adults who are comfortable with talking about sex. For me seeing Jay enjoying another woman or being enjoyed is a huge turn on. I mean, I don't watch much of it, because I am pretty focused on my partner. But there is no jealousy. BUT for a lot of people it is quite disturbing to see this. You need to really prepare for what you are going to feel.

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here:

 

First off, you really need to discuss this with your physician first. This might be a reflection of a medical condition or current treatment.

 

Second, consider a visit to therapist that specializes in sexual function. Go as a couple, ideally, and discuss your concerns. As always, if you can't make yourself climax, it's doubtful a new man can.

 

Also the strongest caveat about the Lifestyle is that it cannot fix problems in a marriage or sex life. If used in this way, it's typically disastrous. Swinging, ideally, is an extension of an already positive, life affirming, sexual relationship.

 

Lastly, this may not be a solvable problem and you will have to adapt accordingly.

 

Good luck.

[flkeyscouple 21]

I, too, would suggest working on the orgasm problem before you decide if you want to swing. Do you masturbate and orgasm then? I'd almost say 'no' from reading your post. You say you haven't had an orgasm in ten years - does that mean you used to have orgasms and haven't since you married?

 

I guess it's hard to suggest details to you without knowing more. But if you really haven't had an orgasm in ten years AND you've tried - I'd suggest working on that. One thing you could do is go to a seminar on orgasms - I think they have them all over the country. They have weekends for couples, classes on how to reach different types of orgasms, etc.

 

Good luck! I simply can't imagine not having an orgasm in ten years!

 

Sarah

[Mrs Spoomonkey 118]

loladoreen said:

My husband and I are weighing the pros and cons of swinging. we have not yet done it.

 

I have a BIG question.

 

One of the reasons we want to try it, is for sexual satisfaction. I want to have an orgasm. I haven't in 10 years. Maybe if I'm with someone else I could??

 

Is this ok? Our idea is M F M

 

Or will it put people off?

 

Most couples in the lifestyle get into it because they have a great marriage, great sex together and just want to experience some added bonuses to what they already have. The ones who get into it to "fix" something they don't have together usually don't last long. If you have an orgasm problem you should first seek out help to find out why. It could be medications, hormones, technique or just not having your mind into it (i.e job worries,kids,etc.). I would start there first and not look into swinging until you and your spouse are 100% with each other.

 

As Lumina said I don't think I'd want my first orgasm in 10 years to be with a complete stranger...I'd want it with my spouse so we can both enjoy it together. I would suggest some long, open, and honest conversation between the two of you to try and discover why you aren't having orgasms. Then maybe seek out help with your doctor to rule out any physical causes. You might also want to consider seeing a therapist or specifically a sex therapist.

 

Until you get things right and working at home I would put swinging on a back burner for now.

[ShellyM 0]

As Lumina said I don't think I'd want my first orgasm in 10 years to be with a complete stranger...I'd want it with my spouse so we can both enjoy it together.

 

I completely agree. Your husband may actually get a complex if he is with you for 10 years with no orgasm, and then a man is with you for 2 hours and you have this massive O. I could see how that would be a definite hit to the old male ego. Anyways, other than that how is your sex life? I mean, there are times when Jay and I have sex, and do it in my favorite position in life, the missionary. I don't cum in the missionary position, but I adore it just the same. Some times I have such an amazing time, even though I don't reach orgasm.

[loladoreen 15]

We've been together for five years. When I was with my first husband I did. It was a great sexual relationship.

 

I made the mistake of faking it for the sake of his ego w/ my husband now.He doesn't know that.. but he knows it doesn't happen very often.

The only way I can orgasm through masturbation is by squeezing my muscles.

 

And during sex, I will try to tell him what I want or need, but does what he wants.

 

He is actually the one that suggested the M F M, to see if someone else could get me off. BUT in my opinion, my H doesn't try, I guess eh thinks that he tried it didn't work and that is that.

 

We don't have foreplay and I yearn for it.

 

So should I try to learn to masturbate on my own, manually or with a vibrator rather than squeezing my leg muscles.

 

He orgasms every time, but he is bored ( i think) BUT he wont try anything new.And this is the only thing he has suggested to try.

 

I am ok with it, if it was to be M F M,I am not ok with I'm being with another woman. We are not there yet or may never be there.

 

But I am frustrated and when I talk to him...he does not talk back and than it is even a longer time until we have our two minute sex again.

 

So I guess I am open to this because I am super super frustrated. I don't know what to do. Or what I can do.

[sexyshelby 19]

You really have to talk to him. He needs to understand what you are going through. I can't understand why he doesn't try, do you? If not, I'd suggest you find out why he isn't more willing to try to make you orgasm. Explain to him what you need, what you like. And while you're at it, talk to him about what he wants. Maybe there's something he needs and isn't getting which is putting him off from wanting to help you.

 

I know you said that he isn't too talkative about the subject, but you really need to find a way to make him talk.

 

Good luck.

[clutch 28]

Hey Loladoreen,

 

Cool name, by the way. I think Chicup and Sexyshelby are essentially right.

 

By the way, for what it's worth, the way you describe your sex life (and way to go to put it out there--you're half way to solving the problem, believe it or not)..at any rate..the way you describe your sex life is extremely common, and a couple has to really work at it to make it better.

 

My wife and I have been married ten years, and have had great sex both in our bedroom and in other's bedrooms, and still we both take it very seriously that we need to work on having great, amazing, mind-blowing sex with each other. It don't just happen 'cause we're married.

 

In fact, it's kind of a requisite with us that our sex has to be really hopping or else we'll put off the swinging. (I can't remember when we've put off the swinging because we both just really like sex with each other--and part of what keeps it fresh is sex with our swing partners).

 

I think this is a good time to really explore what it will take for you and hubby to have a little mind-blowing sex. (My wife and I like fantasies, but maybe resort to them 1/4 o the time.) We'll spend an evening just wearing each other out.

 

And while swinging or mfm could be the catalyst to stimulate an orgasm, my gut says that you should maybe work that part out before you start swinging.

[Mrs Spoomonkey 118]

loladoreen said:

So I guess I am open to this because I am super super frustrated. I don't know what to do. Or what I can do.

 

I hate to say it but it sounds like you two have more than just orgasm problems. You need to talk and get everything out in the open and together find a solution. You might just need to tell him you've been faking it but really want to have one with him and ask him if he'd be willing to try some new things or let you direct him how to do it. Which brings up another thing...you should explore yourself and try different things to orgasm (vibrators etc) You can't tell a man how to give you an orgasm if you don't know yourself.

 

Couples in the lifestyle have open honest communication and trust. Spoo and I can talk about anything. Again I would suggest skipping the thought of swinging until you and your husband have opened up to each other and talked alone or with a marriage counselor.

[Amanda69 24]

with the majority of posters here so far.

 

As for the orgasm issue you really need to look at WHY you can't orgasm. Is it your husband? Is it a medical issue? Is it an emotional issue? Have you tried masturbation? Use of toys etc?

 

Bringing another person into the mix is only a recipe for further problems. If you have a basically good relationship except for the sex, then fix the sex part first...then come on in and join the fun. It will be a much better experience for both of you at that time.

[Lumina 16]

I hate to say it but it sounds like you two have more than just orgasm problems.

I was going to say exactly this. He won't take any steps to improve your enjoyment and won't talk about it. This goes way past orgasm problems and into relationship problems. If he can't talk or listen to you about sex, then swinging is not the solution. You need to fix this between you two.

 

So should I try to learn to masturbate on my own, manually or with a vibrator rather than squeezing my leg muscles.

All of the above! If I were you I'd be learning about every which way you can orgasm. The larger your repertoire the better you can help your partner. And the more fun you'll have learning.

[ohcpl43952 16]

Cut him off. Explain that he needs to learn how it feels to not orgasm. Maybe that will get him to open up a bit.

[Mr.T 16]

While I agree with most of the others who've responded here,It seems I have a different take on this situation.(what else is new )

 

Loladoreen,It sounds to me like your hubby is suffering from a similar emotional state that I dealt with a number of years ago.Boredom.Not with sex with you,but with sex in general.Basically a case of "is this all there is". And just like your hubby,when it came to discussing it,I'd close up tighter than Fort Knox.And it also sounds to me like your lack of sexual satisfaction is a result of you subconsciously feeling his boredom.

 

A bit of Male perspective.Some of us(men) never took the time to learn what it is that turns us on.Hell,I've been married 12 yrs and my Mrs. is still trying to find my erogenous zones.Maybe he's in the same boat and has lost interest the whole game.

 

The Mrs. and I had a hell of a time with this.Almost killed our relationship.I hope it hasn't hit that point with you.

 

What finally got things on the right track for us was when someone mentioned the concept of swinging to us.I Realize how crazy it sounds.Your sex life is rough,so invite others to join in. But,initially,it got us talking.Thoughts turned to ideas,then to new play activities amongst ourselves..Soon things were back to a pleasant level.That's when we decided we were ready to play with others.And in our case,it was a successful venture.

 

As far getting him to talk:

Some men can take subtle hints well.Others(like me) need to be beaten over the head with a 2X4,then have an ice pack lovingly applied(figuratively speaking) before we get the hint.Only you know which type your man is.

 

I can't offer much advice on this one myself,other than my experience.But I can say this much with absolute certainty.An MFM is definitely NOT a good idea at this point,based on what you've let us in on.The two of you got bigger issues,and inviting others into it could be disastrous.

 

Hope it all works out for you in the end.

[telly2 15]

as Mr.T's Mrs i can atest, and add. Since the birth of our son, 10 months ago our sexlife had not really returned, we were both bored, No foreplay, just sex, Well something switched in out heads when we got back to the lifestyle, don't ask what, but something. Maybe it was fear, or just the need for something different. Well the scene happened and well not much happened, but WE realized here was where we wanted to be and since, our sexlife has been finominal.

 

So in your situation, maybe seeing how much you enjoy someone giving you foreplay, etc, will open his eyes to what you need. i don't know his whole story, but some people{MR. T included} never played {petting extended forplay etc} before having sex in the early yrs and thus never learned to enjoy it. That has been our cross to bear, but it seems to have finally fallen off 12 yrs later.

 

My advice don't let it get to that point, set up a situation where foreplay is only allowed, pop in a porn for example and allow no sex for the first 30 min only foreplay. Maybe a crash course is needed, or maybe it will get him talking, even if it is negative, something said may lead to more positive conversation. I don't want to come off as know it all, but with my experience, i like to be able to help in some way.

 

also Find out why he wants to swing? The big thing is get the conversations happening.

 

Best of lick hope to hear how things are going.

Chantal i'll hop off now

[loladoreen 15]

I am really really embarrassed by this, but I dont know how to masturbate. I know you say touch & explore where it feels good and go for it. But when I do, I get frustrated and then I stop. Because it feels better having him touch me anyhow, even it is not very often.

 

i dont know how or where to even begin. I know I sound stupid. But it is true.

 

I am so tired of being frustrated. i am at my wits end.I love him and I dont want to feel like the only way for me to have physical.sensual pleasure is to cheat on him. I don't know what to do.I know I sound like I should be 13 instead of 33 but.. I am at my wits end. Please give me suggestions. anything

[BradAndJanet 70]

You're not alone in this. Many women have trouble reaching orgasm, but that can be overcome with time and practice. Once you know what pleases you, it will be easier to show him.

 

Don't give up. Have you two ever considered a sex therapist?

[telly2 15]

Sweetie, you are not the first grown woman who does not know how to masterbate. We all grew up with don't touch that get your hands out of there etc. so here we are grown women who have never been allowed to find out what feels good to us.

 

Well i will tell you what i have done and what works for me, if you have a telephone type shower head, take the head off, fill the tub and relax then use the water pressure from the hose on your clit, i like the water from the hose to be a little cooler than the tub, and enjoy the feeling. move the jet around and see where it feels the best. You will see where you like to be touched, and how. also imagination or erotic books help, set the mood light some candles etc, and just enjoy.

 

just sweetie do what feel good, and for most women it is clitoral stimulation and this way if you have to buy anything it is a shower head instead of finding a sex shop to purchaise toys {i know most feel embarased or scared to do that}

 

But if you want to get a toy, a simple egg vib is probably the best investment. With that just sit it on your clit and let it do the work. Or if you nipples are very sencitive it works great there as well. And they are only about 20 bucks, No need for expencive toys. Also when riding it is great to put against your clit, and enjoy. Obviously this is my fav toy.

 

As i mentioned before erotic mags are a great thing to own, sets the imagination flying when you need that little lift.

 

And also , reading bedtime stories to each other may help with your personal sexlife as well, and give him some ideas.

 

Well i hope some of this info is helpfull

Chantal

[loladoreen 15]

He once told me that he's just not interested in it anymore. AND the biggie was when I did tell him I am far from being satisfied. He took that as such a big blow to his ego that he gave up.

 

Later (months later) he suggested M F M to see if someone else could get me off. I am assuming his male ego is so bruised that now he thinks its me and no one can get me off.

 

But I believe he wasn't M F M so he can go and do something with someone else.And I have a BIG problem with that. My issues I know but he was unfaithful to me twice three years ago. they meant nothing. But they meant everything to me.

 

So I think it is a combination of things. When I suggest something like videos he says no.We just bought a camcorder and I suggested using it. He said no.

 

I have tried to seduce him so many times and been rejected that i dont try anymore.

 

I dont know what to do. Its really getting to me.

 

I just dont know, I haven't gained weight or anything. i look the same as I did before we were married. I dont know what it is.

 

And when we do have sex, he doesn't even touch me it is pull pants down put it in and he's done.

 

I NEED to feel more. I have talked to him. he says nothing. and he says its not important anymore and he doesn't know why BUT he still masturbates every morning. so the drive is still there.

 

ANY help is great the help I have gotten so far is helping thanks

 

Any ideas I will take with all seriousness and apply them. PLEASE help me

[telly2 15]

Sweet heart you to need pro help, there is so much more than sex to these probs, i don't want to play devils advocate, but it i have this flag, he cheated and the guilt is getting to him. now if he can get you with someone else then the field is even again.

 

Please go to a therapist, this could be a bigger problem than you not orgasming. there are too many problems under the surface. I don't want to hurt you and i don't want to sound pushy i just want to see you guys make it, and help is the only way. Do you have a friend to talk to? i hope so sweetie, we all need friends that know us, and we can talk to. But please try to get help.

 

Chantal

[SexyDeuce 15]

PLEASE help me

 

I don't think you're going to find the help you need here in an internet forum. Your marriage sounds like it has serious problems. I don't know why a man who honestly loves his wife wouldn't be willing to go out of his way to try to satisfy her. It sounds to me like a case of him being selfish.

 

So, my answer would be for you to start being more selfish as well. Take him up on his MFM offer. Go out and actively recruit a sexy male you'd like to bang, and make it happen. Refuse to bring another female into the mix as well, and make sure you remind him frequently that an MFM was his idea when he protests. Show your husband that another man can easily make you climax, and I bet that will light a fire under his ass.

 

Other than that, I'd suggest getting a divorce.

[SouthBond 18]

This is just our opinion and experience. For sure you need to bring back the fire in your sex life. Unless you have a medical problem that totally prevents an orgasm, you need to try something new. We play with a couple, call them Couple X, where the other wife's husband could not bring his wife to an orgasm by either intercourse or oral stimulation. She could use toys on herself and have an orgasm. I could bring her to an orgasm orally in about 5 minutes. The other husband could not bring my wife to an orgasm the first two times that we played with them. I finally showed him what I was doing and during the third session/meeting he helped my wife achieve an orgasm in about 30 minutes. After 5 meetings/sessions, the other husband was finally able to bring his wife to an orgasm orally in about 20 minutes. We opened a bottle of champagne to celebrate the occasion. Now, after about 10 dates with Couple X, the other wife will have an orgasm with either her husband or with me in less than one minute by oral stimulation. So, I guess you need to try something new and practice until you get it right.

[SexyDeuce 15]

SouthBond said:

This is just our opinion and experience. For sure you need to bring back the fire in your sex life. Unless you have a medical problem that totally prevents an orgasm, you need to try something new. We play with a couple, call them Couple X, where the other wife's husband could not bring his wife to an orgasm by either intercourse or oral stimulation. She could use toys on herself and have an orgasm. I could bring her to an orgasm orally in about 5 minutes. The other husband could not bring my wife to an orgasm the first two times that we played with them. I finally showed him what I was doing and during the third session/meeting he helped my wife achieve an orgasm in about 30 minutes. After 5 meetings/sessions, the other husband was finally able to bring his wife to an orgasm orally in about 20 minutes. We opened a bottle of champagne to celebrate the occasion. Now, after about 10 dates with Couple X, the other wife will have an orgasm with either her husband or with me in less than one minute by oral stimulation. So, I guess you need to try something new and practice until you get it right.

 

Wow good advice. You have a good point, maybe her husband sincerely doesn't know how to make her orgasm and is just frustrated. I guess it's just tough for me to consider that because I've honestly never experience that problem. In fact, not bragging, but in my lifetime I've had at least three women who couldn't orgasm easily that I was able to bring to climax without too much trouble. One of them even to multiples! So I kinda pride myself on that God-given talent ... but it is certainly possible that her husband is experiencing frustration from a lack of the right knowledge.

[prettylady 221]

I am not well so I was unable to concentrate on everything I read, so I will apologize now if I step on toe's or restate someone. :surrender:

 

My ex husband and I went 1 1/2 years without sex. Not even the run through sex. Dog and his ex was the same.

 

Don't let this happen to you two. If you are still in love and want this to work. Get the help from a Professional. Like the others say.

 

Please don't waste anymore time, it will only get worse.

 

Still on with dittoing everyone else. Don't swing just yet. Figure this out first, then if all is well and worked out.....Call me.

 

Julie we need a call me smiley

 

My prayers are with you

Your friend,

Prettylady

[loladoreen 15]

all great advice... I can't cut him off. I dont think he would care or to be more exact he would tell me he didn't. But I am sure it would hurt him.

He is in counseling (for other things).

 

Now on the masturbation: how long does it take? Do I give up to soon? If I use a vibrator will it make it more difficult to orgasm with a man? I am seriously considering getting the video and book suggested earlier.

 

Will my husband be hurt if he knows I am masturbating? When we have sex, I tell him softer or move his hand and he still will do what he wants. What turns him on. Which hurts me emotionally.

 

Do I go somewhere else for sex?

 

Do you have any more links on masturbation? With all that you guys have said I think that is the key.

 

I am sure there is nothing physically wrong with me. I never had issues with my ex husband or ex lovers.

 

Do I tell my husband I have always faked it and risk damaging his ego more?

 

Because ever since I told him that I don't like what he does etc etc he has given up and nothing happened for what seemed like forever and than he suggested M F M to see if someone else could get me off. I guess to put the blame elsewhere.

 

So what do I tell him?

[SexyDeuce 15]

loladoreen said:

Do I tell my husband I have always faked it and risk damaging his ego more?

 

If a woman faked with me I'd be very disappointed. You guys obviously have communication problems. You should be talking to him about all this stuff.

[ShellyM 0]

Girl, I don't know what to tell you other than to sit him down. You are 50% of your marriage, and so if you are this unhappy your marriage is in trouble. How old is he? Some men are just selfish lovers, I don't know what to say other than that. Some women, too for that matter. I'm not a marital counselor, and I don't pretend to be. But I think you need to talk with him ASAP.

[ShellyM 0]

Girl, masturbation is all about self exploration and relaxation. Remember, women are made to feel like it is something that only "bad" girls do, and thats a load of crap. Don't worry about your husband, this is about YOU. Its funny how women can talk about EVERYTHING with each other from periods to hemhorroids....but we do NOT talk about masturbation. Its an absolutely TABOO subject, and thats just wrong.

 

Start when it is just you in the house...hell, play hookie one day from work, and go into the room when he is at work. No kids, just you. That way you can relax. Mentally go to that place, woman, man, whatever really melts your butter at the time. And get some lube and have fun. Explore your own body and what feels good where. I'm going to tell you, I have had some incredible O's from masturbation. And it is so relaxing!

 

Calgon has got nothing on my left hand, let me tell you what lol.

[BradAndJanet 70]

loladoreen, don't let the quest for the Big O get in your way. Forget about that for a while and just concentrate on what feels good. If you orgasm, great, if not, don't let it get you down. Keep on exploring and it will come (no pun intended) in time.

 

Sometimes what we pursue the most vigorously is the thing the keeps escaping our grasp.