Reasons you haven't started swinging yet

[lookingfornow 116]

From a couple of recent polls, it is clear that a large percentage of participants on this board have not yet engaged in any swinging-type activities (whether that is soft swapping or full). We wonder what is the primary reason that you haven't taken the plunge. You are only allowed to pick one. While you likely have more than one reason, we'd like to know which reason is the primary reason. So, you have to pick one. If you don't see your reason, please select other and post it in reply. Thanks!

[prettylady 221]

We haven't started swinging yet. We are ready, no jealousy issues, no fear of STD's or any other fears you listed. We have met a few couples we would like to swing with. I want friends first. Playmates second.

We are in the process of developing a couple of friendships and are ready to try swinging with them. Now finding the time were all our schedules mesh. THAT right there is our problem.

Your friend,

Prettylady

[Mr. Truelove 81]

Yeah, I had to put down...found a couple, looking for more, trying to get schedules to work.

 

This is hard.

 

Mr. Truelove

[harsh 15]

Basically catching fire with the notion of swinging 6 months ago, approaching my wife with the idea, and then my impatient self making it a topic of basic conversation with my wife for 2 straight months. She certainly wasn't averse to the idea and we even came up with some basic ground rules for whenever that first time came. But after 2 months, and I can't articulate it very well, the daily conversations seemed disingenuous from my end. No doubt we had felt the enhanced level of communication we both had created, but this had to be expanded and transcended into other areas of our lives together. The level of enhanced communication and discovery after 20 years of marriage has been mind blowing in a positive way, and some days not easy by any stretch.

 

I have no doubt our time will come to jump in, and no doubt we'll be ready when that day occurs. The journey in getting there has been fun, rewarding and priceless for our relationship. In the meantime, I'll continue to lurk and learn

[sexyshelby 19]

I had to vote for other. We're ready, but live on opposite sides of the world right now, which makes swinging together just a tad bit difficult!

 

We have had a few threesomes before we had even heard about "the lifestyle". But don't really consider them to be swinging experiences. So, we're anxiously awaiting. Once I move back, we will likely wait a few months and then jump right in.

 

~SS

[atlas 15]

If we were childless, I think we would have hit the club already. However, we're kind of shy, homebodies so we don't go out much to begin with. Sacrificing a babysitter for one of the few nights we want to go out makes it twice as hard. In addition, T works on Sunday morning and most clubs are on Saturday night. It needs to sort of a perfect storm where we're both in the mood, Friday party, and haven't played our sitter card recently.

Having said all that, I voted jealousy because I've also shown early signs of being jealous and need to regain her trust on that front.

[Guest warrencouple]

At the moment, I voted other...

 

Neither the Mrs nor I have yet even gone to a club, or an off-premise. Most likely, our first swap (soft or hard), won't be for quite some time, we want to take this some slow, make sure we've got our heads on straight, and not doing something to ruin our relationship with each other.

[crazi429 16]

Well I am very ready but Red says she is ready but I can't get her to commit to a start. She has a co-worker who is Bi and she approached her and this lady is not quite ready yet as she is getting her tubes tied in near future and wants to wait till then. I don't want to push Red to hard but I know from other things in the past she does have to be pushed. So I am unsure what to take as the next step. Along with her working 3rd shift and 6 to 7 days a week sure makes it hard to get started.

[celtic239 297]

I voted for "some other reason" but in reality there is no one particular reason other than my wife is attempting to come to terms with the concept of her feeling comfortable in the lifestyle. She has reservations based on several of the first listed options, while no one in particular is overriding but a combination of them give her "pause for concern". I believe that while I can provide her with certain information, she and she alone, will have to attain a certain piece of mind first and then we will be able to take the "plunge" without reservation.

[Spokaneman 15]

Basically catching fire with the notion of swinging 6 months ago, approaching my wife with the idea, and then my impatient self making it a topic of basic conversation with my wife for 2 straight months. She certainly wasn't averse to the idea and we even came up with some basic ground rules for whenever that first time came. But after 2 months, and I can't articulate it very well, the daily conversations seemed disingenuous from my end. No doubt we had felt the enhanced level of communication we both had created, but this had to be expanded and transcended into other areas of our lives together. The level of enhanced communication and discovery after 20 years of marriage has been mind blowing in a positive way, and some days not easy by any stretch.

 

I have no doubt our time will come to jump in, and no doubt we'll be ready when that day occurs. The journey in getting there has been fun, rewarding and priceless for our relationship. In the meantime, I'll continue to lurk and learn

 

Wow everything you wrote is exactly why me and my wife have not got involved yet. I am ready, she is very interested... however... she is a bit worried about meeting people for real and them being weird or have bad intentions in mind. she is also worried that because we are a heavy couple... 300 for me and about 235 for her, that we would just be looked at as the fat people who are disgusting and don't belong.

 

we have talked about doing this for a long time now. I brought it up a while back and at first she was thinking I was funny, but as I suggested that I would love to see her getting ummmm a good time from another man or women, she started to get interested. however it has not yet gone past interest for her, and I am not going to push the issue. It may happen in the next year or sooner who knows. then again even if she never goes through with it, at least we know we can talk to each other about anything and we are not jealous at all.

[rt829 18]

I wonder how many people are like me....I like the site, read the storyies, read the forums, comment once in a while.....But never in a million years would my wife ever consider a swap.

[JoCoCpl 99]

We simply haven't found the right couple yet. That is mostly our fault, as our "real" lives have kept us too busy to get out much. We've chatted with several great couples - just haven't had time to meet many of them and get things headed the right direction.

[TnMtns 16]

We aren’t ready to play because I am concerned about jealousy. - I guess my biggest fear is how hubby will react after the fact or the next day if I have sex with another guy. I am Bi-sexual and both my DH and her DH have watched us in action. However; before DH and I were dating I had a FMF with her and her hubby. I told DH this, when he was a BF before we were engaged (it happened the last time about 3 months before our first date) and he became VERY jealous...but soon got over it. However, from time to time he makes little sharp comments about those 2 times.

We aren’t ready to play because I am concerned about STD's.- Being a nurse I am a condom required unless I know you really well person, any playmates will have to understand. When dating I never made a guy wear a condom for a BJ, but if I'm gonna swing (and I do want to) I think he is either gonna have to wear one for a BJ or not cum in my mouth. I expect DH to play by the same rules.

We aren’t ready to play because he (DH) is concerned about privacy (being discovered). - DH is a firefighter and worried how discovery would alter an future promotions.

 

Please, if any of my thoughts seem unrealistic, let me know.

[exploringRM 305]

We aren’t ready to play because I am concerned about jealousy. - I guess my biggest fear is how hubby will react after the fact or the next day if I have sex with another guy. I am Bi-sexual and both my DH and her DH have watched us in action. However; before DH and I were dating I had a FMF with her and her hubby. I told DH this, when he was a BF before we were engaged (it happened the last time about 3 months before our first date) and he became VERY jealous...but soon got over it. However, from time to time he makes little sharp comments about those 2 times.

We aren’t ready to play because I am concerned about STD's.- Being a nurse I am a condom required unless I know you really well person, any playmates will have to understand. When dating I never made a guy wear a condom for a BJ, but if Im gonna swing (and I do want to) I think he is either gonna have to wear one for a BJ or not cum in my mouth. I expect DH to play by the same rules.

We aren’t ready to play because he (DH) is concerned about privacy (being discovered). - DH is a firefighter and worried how discovery would alter an future promotions.

 

Please, if any of my thoughts seem unrealistic, let me know.

 

I don't think your thoughts are unrealistic. For the jealousy issue that could be a deal breaker right there. Lingering/smoldering things are not what you want out of swinging.

 

STD's are always a risk. Avoiding cumming in the mouth may be safer, but you can still be infected from oral regardless of the lack of cumming. But then again as a nurse you may be more likely to be infected in your line of work depending upon your patient demographics (needle sticks, fluids, etc).

 

Concern regarding discovery is always a worry. You can take precautions, no face pictures or locked pictures. If another member that knows you sees a locked pic or sees you at a club then they are also worried about being found out and would not be likely to disclose their discovery. You can also travel to other areas for your encounters, but even that is not 100% secure. And not having pictures available online; I will not consider meeting a couple until I see at least a G rated face picture of them.

[applevenus 20]

I put 'other'.

 

My wife does not want to swing. Simple as that.

 

She knows this is something I desire and believe we'll enjoy. She doesn't agree.

 

As long as she doesn't want to then that's that as far as I'm concerned.

[OKPair 43]

she is also worried that because we are a heavy couple... 300 for me and about 235 for her, that we would just be looked at as the fat people who are disgusting and don't belong.

 

My lovely wife has the same fears, despite the fact that I find her as hot as the day we met (although way more skilled now ) she still has some fear that she won't be found sexy. The truth of the matter is she has never had trouble getting a playmate eager and willing, in large part because of her great attitude towards others, and the fun and friendly spirit she exudes. It all boils down to how you click with the other couple, more than any idea of physical perfection (what is that anyway?) as to how satisfied you will be with the encounter anyway.

 

I can almost guarantee that if you go to a meet and greet somewhere, dressed in a sexy get-up, and just talk with a few other couples, your confidence will go up, and nothing is sexier than confidence. Just meeting real people (who may or may not already be actively engaging in full swap) will help you find people that you are both comfortable with letting into your relationship to a greater or lesser extent.

 

If you go to a party/ M&G with the express intent of just getting to know a few people and get revved up for some of your own playtime later, you take away most of the fear of rejection and you can concentrate on having fun and finding others that like you for who you are, not what YOU think you look like. Plus any evening that winds up having some hot , fantasy fueled sex with your own wife is a win for both of you right?

 

Oddly enough, there are quite a few people in the lifestyle community who find thin people unattractive. What I'm saying is don't pre-judge your desirability because you two are exactly the couple some other couple is looking for. Warm, honest about what you want, and enthusiastic in the bedroom right? You'll do great. Come on, the water's fine!

 

Well, that was certainly long winded enough. I'll go back to

[PortlandGuy 40]

I picked because of jealousy. For years there's no way my wife would have considered something like this. But she's always been interested in girls. I knew that when we married. After about 14 years of marriage, she finally decided to take the next step and act on her bi-curiosity. It went well for a while, but they were strictly girlfriends and they both made it clear that it was about them and not about us (I got to watch a couple times). So I asked if I could have some fun too and that didn't go quite as expected. She felt she was dating a girl so that made it not cheating. She told me I was more than welcome to get someone too, but it had to be a guy, otherwise I'd be cheating! Of course I'm straight, so that didn't fly. We talked and talked and talked, but I could tell she wasn't ready and might not ever be, so I just moved along and practiced some patience.

 

Anyway, the girl thing ended after about 6 months and since then she's just been taking a break and considering her options. Then a short while back, a whole swinging opportunity just fell into our laps and she felt confident enough finally to allow another guy to touch her and allow me to be with another woman. We've finally arrived!

 

It was supposed to happen in March, but the whole situation just felt wrong and finally fell apart. But we've discussed it and have agreed to move forward anyway and give this a shot.

 

So that's why we haven't jumped in yet. But with enough patience, communication and understanding, we're finally ready to take the plunge! I'm sure it will be worth the wait.

[lizard-lix 32]

We're stalled on two fronts...

 

Lizardess admits to some jealousy issues. She says that she never wants to see 'that look' on my face for anyone else. OTOH she trusts me completely (I travel for work and she believes that I have never cheated, I haven't), and believes me when I say swinging is just for fun.

 

The other issue is that she is picky about men. She wants an intellectual connection as well as a physical one and while it's been close, no winners so far. We are going to try a club one city away in a place that might work better.

 

For now we dance and flirt and see where it will go.

 

I admit to being a bit of a slut and grew up poly, so my role is patience...

[BlueJoy 16]

Well...... I think we're a little scared yet.

I would like to talk with people before engaging with them- just a little at least! But it seems that where we are, people avoid that, considering it a dangerous path towards attachment. They wish to remain strangers to each other- people here don't want to know each others names, much less be friends with other couples!

 

I think some of it has to do with the French culture, and the way they abhor talking about emotions, or being direct and literal. Actually talking first about the limits, the desires, etc. will kill the excitement, for them.

 

This is a HUGE problem for me, being American, being the child of two shrinks and philosophers, in which EVERYTHING is verbalized! I don't feel safe unless things are out in the open and acknowledged.

 

My husband is just the kind of person that likes to hang back and first and observe people for a while before jumping in. He wants to get a feel for them, for the context, for the mood, first. Once he has, he is good at just slipping into it like a chameleon and being a part.

 

I perhaps have some control issues to deal with, wanting to clarify things first before letting go.

[two4youinswva 3,068]

After a bit over 100 votes in the poll, "Jealousy Concerns" and "Finding the Right Couple" account for almost 50% of the reasons.

 

To those that haven't had a swinging experience yet, does this fit your story, or is something else holding you back?

[Formybubu 55]

Wow everything you wrote is exactly why me and my wife have not got involved yet. I am ready, she is very interested... however... she is a bit worried about meeting people for real and them being weird or have bad intentions in mind. she is also worried that because we are a heavy couple... 300 for me and about 235 for her, that we would just be looked at as the fat people who are disgusting and don't belong.

 

In the LS size does not matter. We have been enjoying ourselves for over 13 years and we are about the same size as you. The Mrs. gets hit on so many times we go out she has a hard time choosing just one . So don't let your size get in the way because there are more people than you know wanting a couple like you.

[angelkin 1,326]

We have yet to jump in because we are still new-ish and exploring fetishes and fantasies together alone. We also are selfish of our time together...we work different shifts and much of the week is spent just trying drink one another in short gulps. Lunches and sacrificing sleep

 

Our weekends and vacations are the only time we have to connect.

[dume 18]

I answered the poll question with the answer "Some other reason" simply because it was the only available option that did not start with a "We" or a "We're." I understand this is a Swingers board and most on it will be a "we" but, humph, what about us single's who are not?

[two4youinswva 3,068]

I answered the poll question with the answer "Some other reason" simply because it was the only available option that did not start with a "We" or a "We're." I understand this is a Swingers board and most on it will be a "we" but, humph, what about us single's who are not?

 

You can share your reason in your post. It's actually a better way to get feedback.

[ExploringOptions 185]

We passed up the first invitation so we are figuring a way to meet the right couple. We know about SLS, SDC, AFF just need to figure it out. 

[irishrover 15]

I've no idea how to go about it.

[Numex 2,416]

We hotwifed then MFMed for a while before we started swapping for two reasons  First, I wanted my wife to feel comfortable about my motivations.  I sensed that although she pledged monogamy when we decided to get married (after she had a very robust sex life) that she wanted more sex and more variety, and I wanted her to have it without thoughts of what I was up to.  Second, Daniela was giving me all of the sex I wanted and could handle, so I didn't need other women.

 

We ended up transitioning to couples swaps after a while because Daniela wanted to see me having sex with other women (watching her husband have sex with another woman), and because she wanted to play with married couples.  Both had their foundations in her pre-marriage to me history of being the "other woman" for married men.  She always got around to meeting their unknowing wives because of the feeling she had of being an undisclosed part of their marriage.  Now she can be part of a couple's marriage with both their knowledge - and loves it even more.

 

 

Edited July 2, 2023 by Numex