How have your priorities and criteria for picking playmates changed?

[good times 991]

My wife's response in the How often do you swing thread got me thinking about how our priorities and desires have changed since we started swinging. We have had some great experiences, some bad experiences, and some that were just mediocre. Over time our criteria for picking play partners has changed considerably. These changes in criteria were mainly prompted by the realization by both of us at some point that we would rather have good quality encounters over quantity.

 

Now we have decided to pass on some of the couples that one or both of us really aren't sure if they will be fun to play with. Previously, while we always have both avoided "taking one for the team" we have played with a quite a few people that one of us wasn't that into the spouse of a couple but the other one of us was. In these cases we went ahead and played thinking that we would get more into the other person as things progressed. What we have found is that 9 times out of 10 it usually just ends up as a mediocre or bad experience. We also find that now we spend a lot more time making sure a newbie couple we are considering is really both on the same page before committing to play with them.

 

My questions are:

 

For the experienced swingers, do you find that your priorities and criteria for picking play partners have changed considerably over time as you have become more experienced?

 

For the above question, please explain why?

 

Do you notice that these things actually change a bit after each encounter?

 

This question is also for the folks that are newbies to swinging, do you find that these types of discussions here on the board make you rethink your ideas about how to choose play partners?

[rpu3 630]

My questions are,

 

For the experienced swingers, do you find that your priorities and criteria for picking play partners have changed considerably over time as you have become more experienced?

 

For the above question, please explain why?

 

Do you notice that these things actually change a bit after each encounter?

 

This question is also for the folks that are newbies to swinging, do you find that these types of discussions here on the board make you rethink your ideas about how to choose play partners?

 

Each new experience leaves us being even more selective for future encounters and more resolute that we have a great sex life with each other, so we aren't going out there for lousy sex or to have interactions that leave us feeling disrespected.

 

With couples, each of us has made a choice that ended up feeling like a "taking one for the team". We learned that attraction matters, chemistry matters, and above all, gut feeling matters. This has not been an issue in which one pushed the other into something, but a matter that one of us disregarded our gut instinct and did it anyway, with poor results. Luckily, we have had no problem telling the other party we won't be playing any further due to incompatibility. As such, we don't play unless we both feel good about who are going to play with. That makes it a lot harder to play, but it is completely necessary.

 

We have also moved to a "meet you at the club" mentality. Just don't have the time, energy, or desire to waste our money any more on drinks and dinner, when we could just have fun at the club.

 

As to single men... well, the sex is good, but in the end, with one exception, we have figured out afterwards that it's pretty much a game with a lot of the men, despite our best efforts to weed it out. I mean, if I wanted a one-night stand, I could have had that without meeting anyone, wasting time and effort and money. We are more interested in repeat play. It isn't like we are looking to do the same guy every week, or date or whatever, but if it was good once, it seems like it would be good later. Or even better since that initial stress would be reduced.

 

Our selectivity is so high at this point, we had decided this weekend to remove the single male mentions on our website ads, or change it to more of a "don't write us, we'll write you" (we are deciding and will implement tonight).

 

There is a person or two to whom this does not apply, but I think we have decided that these fine gentlemen are definitely the exception, not the rule, and we are tired of weeding. And the only way we could have figured this out was by experience.

 

Mind you, we have met some very nice people, and at the same time - every single encounter has shaped future encounters.

 

The board has helped some - more in the realm of "hey, shit happens and you move on", which can be quite reassuring. And it's nice to know others are pretty selective, too.

 

Just my .01 cent.

[Pepper & Drew 384]

My questions are,

 

For the experienced swingers, do you find that your priorities and criteria for picking play partners have changed considerably over time as you have become more experienced?

 

For the above question, please explain why?

 

Do you notice that these things actually change a bit after each encounter?

 

This question is also for the folks that are newbies to swinging, do you find that these types of discussions here on the board make you rethink your ideas about how to choose play partners?

 

Our priorities have changed, as now we're not so interested in having experiences just for experience's sake. We've had enough of the OMG-that-completely-and-utterly-sucked discussions on the drive home that we're not interested in ever repeating. Experience has also taught us that if we're tired that night, or the other couple has other plans or whatever, it's ok. We'll see them next time....or not. I think when we first started we felt like it was now or never, and sometimes made hasty decisions before we were comfortable.

 

As far as criteria, I think we've both become more open-minded. We've had some experiences where initially we may not have been attracted, but the person grew on us (not unlike mold ) over time, and have become some of our favorite play couples. That's not to say that we're not as selective, but we'll take more time to see if attraction develops. Sometimes it does...

[Guest MrsVan]

good times said:

My questions are,

 

For the experienced swingers, do you find that your priorities and criteria for picking play partners have changed considerably over time as you have become more experienced?

 

For the above question, please explain why?

 

Do you notice that these things actually change a bit after each encounter?

 

This question is also for the folks that are newbies to swinging, do you find that these types of discussions here on the board make you rethink your ideas about how to choose play partners?

 

Our experiences have not been real bad ones. We have actually been blessed with the couples that we have met and have learned from each of them. We have found amazing couples who have helped us take our first steps into the lifestyle and have also found couples that were similar to us when we first started and have helped them grow as well.

 

I guess for us we read a lot on the board before actually starting to look at couples and singles. And we have learned a lot from everyone on the board so that has put in our minds to be picky of those that we select and it has worked out great for us. The only ones we are still trying to figure out is the singles and we have yet to find the right answers for those but we will keep looking and trying.

[flkeyscouple 21]

Pepper & Drew said:

Our priorities have changed, as now we're not so interested in having experiences just for experience's sake.

Ditto, I feel the same. We are more selective. I wonder sometimes if before the first few experiences we were so worried it wouldn't happen again that we 'just went for it'. Not to say those experiences weren't good - they were. But we didn't really go through the same process we do now for finding other couples.

 

Another thing we've learned is to trust our instinct - our joint instinct. We're good at knowing what the other is thinking. We have enough experience now to trust our joint instinct when meeting other couples. If it doesn't feel right from the beginning, it's not worth starting.

[Menage_a_Trois 182]

As far as criteria, I think we've both become more open-minded. We've had some experiences where initially we may not have been attracted, but the person grew on us (not unlike mold ) over time, and have become some of our favorite play couples. That's not to say that we're not as selective, but we'll take more time to see if attraction develops. Sometimes it does...

 

I have to agree with Pepper here. For me I was married to the model type who looked like a professional baseball player. But looks aren't everything...he SUCKED! Personality sucked, temper sucked, and SEX SUCKED!

 

I'm not Barbie, I'm a bigger girl but I'm also not bad. I've learned that while it's great if there is initial attraction in the looks department that's great but that can also become completely unimportant if the other person turns me off personality wise. And likewise, I've meet some average people who aren't all that in the looks department who were STUNNING because of their personalities and attitude and ended up with awesome play experiences.

 

So basically I never judge a book by its cover...

[Spoomonkey 421]

You know - for us our progression has produced bizarre results...

 

...

 

I could just leave it at that and let everyone have fun with it, but

 

...

 

I have always struggled with a low self-esteem and have considered myself to be quite homely and unworthy of the attentions of even the lowest of life forms. So - we started out, fairly eager to play with just about anyone. Taking all comers!

 

And things went slow - and then got slower... To the point of convincing us that maybe I was even uglier than I thought I was...

 

But - then we had an experience with a single woman that kind of changed my perspective. I had had a crush on this woman for a long time - thinly veiled and shared jokingly with Mrs Spoo for at least a year. Well - it was a pretty good joke until she went crazy over me - TWICE!

 

This woman was amazing - gorgeous - and it made me think I should be a little pickier... So my strike zone shrunk... And I expected that with that, my opportunities would shrink as well...

 

The weirdest thing has happened - we have become more active with more attractive and more interesting (read: fun, funny and socially capable) couples! So - our increased criteria and reordered priorities have actually worked to connect us with better folks.

 

And, I am starting (very slowly) to feel like maybe I am an okay guy

[Tia Vampire 167]

We have not been swinging for long, but the few times that we have I find that we have better times at parties. Meeting up with a couple that you have not had time to really get to know well usually turns out to be a bad move. We meet this couple at a party and started seeing each other outside of the parties and they changed. She is a wonderful girl, full of spunk and loves to have fun. He just want to fuck. If i was bi , she would be a good catch, but sorry I'm not. Fucking is fun, but don't make it obvious that is the only thing you want. Can we go out for dinner? Do some dancing? Or just hang out and drink a little? These are called ice breakers. Some people need to learn how to do this.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

For the experienced swingers, do you find that your priorities and criteria for picking play partners have changed considerably over time as you have become more experienced?

 

For the above question, please explain why?

For us, no, our priorities and criteria for picking play partners hasn't changed at all.

 

What HAS changed is our ability to weed out people who aren't going to be compatible. Through experience in communicating with couples on ad sites and meeting folks at the clubs, we have honed our search skills. We have become more comfortable with ourselves, with approaching people, and know the questions to ask and topics of discussion to bring up from the start that gives us the information we need to know if there is a possibility of good sex.

 

Do you notice that these things actually change a bit after each encounter?

Each encounter provides us more knowledge about ourselves and other swingers. We may discover a new 'red flag' that we hadn't come across before and it helps us avoid bad experiences. There are also people who show us a new 'quality' in swinging that, after discovering it, we hope to find again in others we meet.

[Dooode 18]

Yes, my priority has changed over the years.

 

In the beginning, I was less likely to qualify who I was contacted by, since I am a single guy (hell, it was practically gratitude!).

 

These days, I qualify a couple or single as much as they qualify me. I've found what standards I'm comfortable with and I stick by them. I'm more particular about who I see and I look for things such as comfort in their sexual identity .. as well as the two having a solid relationship. I've seen my share of cheaters and marriages breaking down that I can't afford not to be fussy.

[good times 991]

The weirdest thing has happened - we have become more active with more attractive and more interesting (read: fun, funny and socially capable) couples! So - our increased criteria and reordered priorities have actually worked to connect us with better folks.

 

And, I am starting (very slowly) to feel like maybe I am an okay guy

I, for one, think you are an ok guy Spoo, but as I am totally straight, I still won't do you.

 

Funny you should mention this though, and it makes me wonder if this has happened to many others besides you and I. You see, when we first started I wrestled with these same issues, in fact there were many attractive couples that we never approached because I figured there was no way they would be interested in playing with me. My thinking was, why set myself up for the rejection, so don't ask or show interest. The thing is, once we decided to become more picky, for lack of a better term, we too have found that those people we wouldn't have considered approaching before are the ones we are playing with now. And you're right, it has indeed made me reevaluate my attractiveness to the opposite sex, apparently I too have some redeeming qualities which make me an ok guy.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

For the experienced swingers, do you find that your priorities and criteria for picking play partners have changed considerably over time as you have become more experienced?

 

For the above question, please explain why?

 

Do you notice that these things actually change a bit after each encounter?

 

 

Our priorities change after every encounter I think. Each time we meet a new couple we discover something new that we either like or don't like. Or at least something new in general that we can use later on. We always make an effort after each encounter (even just a dinner date) to discuss what we would have changed, or what we could have done differently to result in a different outcome. Overall the what we are looking for in other couples hasn't changed a lot. But I do think as we've gone along we've both discovered more about what the other one is and is not attracted to so that when we see a couple we think we might be attracted to it's easier know if the other would also be attracted.

[Wifeenjoysbigge 22]

I would say the most important thing is being sexually attracted to the person or people involved. My husband told me he wanted to share me with a friend of his, this freaked me out. Luckily it was the only one of his friends who I did find sexually attracted to. I don’t have it in me to fuck a stranger that’s just how I am and can’t change about me. So being I was sexually attracted to his friend and knew him very well and we got along was perfect. I trusted his friend completely and my husband trusted his friend and us together. I takes allot to my husband about it before we did it after he asked me about it. My husband wanted to do it choosing his friend because he knew his friend had a much bigger cock than his and wanted to watch how it pleasures me compared to his. That honestly scared me not wanting to ruin our marriage we had only been married for a few months. His friend being so much bigger as my husband had told me his friends size 9 1/2” long and 6 3/4” around compared to my husbands 5 3/4” long and almost 5” around penis. I confessed I was excited to try his friend size but scared enjoying it may hurt my husband feeling. My husband laughed saying that’s the point I want you to enjoy his bigger cock. I felt a rush of desire and love as my husband was wanting me to be pleasured beyond his own abilities. I made it clear I enjoyed my husband and he didn’t need to do this and he made it clear her knew he didn’t need to but wanted to. Like I said it took me a few weeks to think and talk this thru trusting my husband and knowing it would all workout without ruining our marriage. I was building my own desires for his friend during this time and desires to have my husband and his best friend at the same time. It built up to the point I couldn’t wait to do it and told my husband yes. Allot of things aligned for us that made it perfectly work out and made the experience a blessing for us not a curse. I honestly read to many horror stories women having sex with a guy they are disgusted by to please their husband. It always ends the same they leave their husband and it’s ruined and done. Guys thinking it would be fun and are hurt watching the wife enjoying another man. Like I said think this thru you can’t take this back once it’s done. I would never regret what we did and cherish ever encounter we’ve had as a true threesome!

[Numex 2,459]

We've gone from my wife reconnecting with and fucking exes on her own, to me meeting them and doing MFMs, to couples swaps, and now just a closed group of couples. This is for our mutual safety, but we feel free to have threesomes and alone play within our group.

[Guest]

We have never been highly selective with partners, not in a physical since; its kind of like if we enjoy chatting with them for a while, jointly as a group and or individually like on the dance floor, then we will enjoy having sex with them. The only thing that has really changed is that at first, it was all strangers. At a point, we added a friend and have gone that way more and more, especially for MFM and more so for MMFM. It’s easy to pick up a stranger for MFM, but for MMFM, that’s far more difficult. On the other hand, with a few male friends, it becomes easy whether it starts with chat and flirting down at the bar or following the Sunday football game that we host at home.

[Numex 2,459]

... At a point, we added a friend and have gone that way more and more, especially for MFM and more so for MMFM. .

Although now we play with an exclusive set of couples, we have moved from larger get togethers to threesomes and just two of us getting together. Since we all trust one another, it makes exciting midweek fun possible. My wife and I have found that we have more and better weekday sex together if one or both of us stopped for quick fun for lunch or on the way home.

[Napoleon 230]

Based on the criteria I had in my early 20's I was willing to have sex with around 50% of the women willing to have sex with me. Now in my late 30's my current criteria I'm only willing to have sex with around 10% of the women willing to have sex with me. I'm far more accomplished now than I was in my early 20's. I have far more to lose. I have to be extremely picky with women.