Someone is Hot: Do you Tell your Spouse?

[Evil_Bastard 19]

My wife I were talking a few weeks ago and that conversation brought up a question about the sort of conversations that swinging couples might have. I mean if one of you (you or your spouse) discovered that there was a new person at work, or a new waitress/waiter in the cafe where you have coffee in the morning, or a new cashier at the gas station etc. that you thought was attractive, would you tell your spouse about it and (if so) how might that conversation go? Would you say something like "Gawd there is this new guy/gal at work (or where ever) and I would love to do a little somethin' somethin' with them" or would you say simply "there is a new person at work (cafe, gas station, etc.)" and leave it go at that? OR! would you just let it go altogether and wait 'til you are doing swinger stuff (reading ads on SLS, or at a club, or house party, etc.) to find someone else, but not talk about the someone at work etc. that you find hot?

[jennandjamesinm 87]

We always talk about people that we see that we think are hot whether we are together or not. Usually, one of us is like "hey honey, I saw this hot chick and I sure wouldn't throw her out of bed and I don't think you would either." It's in fun for us.

 

Jenn

[Alexxander 15]

Because my wife has some small insecurities, about herself (physically), I would ratter avoid talking about “hot” people at work, or places that I frequent a lot.

 

You see, I am always trying to tell my wife how beautiful SHE is for me and for others.

 

But, when we are together we (both of us) have no trouble saying: “look at that hot piece of…”

[lovefest04 689]

Talking about others is an important part of our foreplay. We both tell each other stories about someone who flirted with us, or we found hot. We even go so far as to make up stories, just to tease the other.

 

My wife often asks me, did you see so and so today, knowing that so and so is someone I find attractive. I love that she's confident and secure enough not to be upset about flirting or more. I hope that she finds that trait attractive in me as well.

 

So, beware, if we've ever crossed paths with any of you and you're hot, you've been in our fantasies and maybe had you name or physical description included as part of our lovemaking.

[havefuninsun 122]

My wife I were talking a few weeks ago and that conversation brought up a question about the sort of conversations that swinging couples might have. I mean if one of you (you or your spouse) discovered that there was a new person at work, or a new waitress/waiter in the cafe where you have coffee in the morning, or a new cashier at the gas station etc. that you thought was attractive, would you tell your spouse about it and (if so) how might that conversation go? Would you say something like "Gawd there is this new guy/gal at work (or where ever) and I would love to do a little somethin' somethin' with them" or would you say simply "there is a new person at work (cafe, gas station, etc.)" and leave it go at that? OR! would you just let it go altogether and wait 'til you are doing swinger stuff (reading ads on SLS, or at a club, or house party, etc.) to find someone else, but not talk about the someone at work etc. that you find hot?

 

We talk about hot people all the time. The conversation would go like this:

 

"hey baby, how was your day? Guess what? The new pool boy started work today and OH. MY. GOD. He is SOOO hot!!!" "Invite him over for dinner, and work that mojo baby"

 

OK, I'm making some of that up, but you get the point. It's not hard to get into that kind of conversation with Mr. Fun. I love how open we are ... that's one of the most wonderful thing about swinging ... you can really be yourself.

[ohash01 20]

J. and I frequently discuss other's levels of hotness when we're out together. I remember one night my cousin was DJing at this hot little club in Cincy...we went out...he reserved us a private table and gave us our own waitress. She was smokin'! She had on this tiny skirt and these fishnets...she came over to take our first drink order and J. and I both just looked at each other and went "Think she'll go home with us?" Then we remembered we were staying at my aunt's that night..Doh!

 

As for when we see someone alone...yeah...we talk about it. I tell him about hot guy/girls I see. He doesn't go out much...he works from home...but he's sure to point out hot women on TV/Internet. Then he asks me what I'd do to her. Haha.

[NandTfromCA 84]

Long before swinging we would tell each other about the hot guy/girl that we met any given day. Now that we are swinging, it is a "Do you think ___ might be game for some fun" kinda conversation.

 

That said, Alexxander had a point about his wife's insecurities. If your wife is similar, then you should be very conscious of how discussing your attraction to others will make her feel. (which would also be a big red flag for swinging…not a categorical deal killer but certainly a slippery slope)

 

You know your wife better than we do. If you think she would be fine with it, toss it out there and keep a keen awareness to her reaction.

[Chicup 41]

I'm very much a male.

Mrs. Chicup is very much female.

 

This means that when she used to try to describe a new female friend at work or where ever, she would put in details that meant pretty well nothing to me. We finally narrowed it down to a 'you would do her' as a good enough description beyond the basics.

 

We've never felt, even prior to swinging, any insecurities over the attractiness of others, or letting each other know we found someone attractive.

[Tia Vampire 167]

Me and my fiance are very open with one another. If we see someone that is attractive, we just come out with it. Sometimes if we see someone that i feel is his type and i'll ask him. "that's your type is'nt it?" and he'll answer me. Or sometimes we just come out and say, " i'll do her or him". Wemake fun of each other too and make it into a game. It could be real fun if you are not the jealous type.

[BnSinbville 15]

Wish I could copy all the stuff ya'll do, so my replies would look better...bu hopefully the more we post and time goes on..I'll get better...???

 

Any way..I agree with just do them bit...I just tell B... just tell the ones you wouldn't do, it easier to remember them!!

[gatorvol64 216]

Yeah, we'd we tell each other and the conversation would be along the lines of those already mentioned.

 

Vol

[intuition897 2,179]

This is just part of the fun of the lifestyle. Makes the whole world your candy store.

[getnit2gethr 15]

We're open about it too but not around vanilla friends.

[flkeyscouple 21]

We always discuss others we see - often it's 'did you see those nipples'. Or 'do you think we'll fantasize about him/her tonight?'. It's a fun part of the lifestyle!

 

Sarah

[KajiKurai 15]

We talk about it. We even have a list of co-workers in the event one of us should change jobs.

 

Couple of weeks ago a woman in my office inquired with my department's secretary about my phone number. Secretary said,"He has an SO." Told my SO about it. My new mission is to find out who inquired.

[ViSexual 1,008]

There were lots of great memories I've kept from our swinging experiences.

 

There were some really great physical pleasures that I experienced that just couldn't have been experienced with just the two of us.

 

But I think the best thing that we gained from our swinging experiences was the ability to talk openly and completely honestly about sex with each other.

 

I still love it when my wife tells me that she's seen or met a new man who she thinks is hot. And, I enjoy being able to tell her, without her getting defensive or having her feelings hurt, when I've seen or met a gal who turns me on.

 

It takes the marriage from simply being a loving couple, to being best buddies as well!

[WesternSwing 504]

My wife I were talking a few weeks ago and that conversation brought up a question about the sort of conversations that swinging couples might have. I mean if one of you (you or your spouse) discovered that there was a new person at work, or a new waitress/waiter in the cafe where you have coffee in the morning, or a new cashier at the gas station etc. that you thought was attractive, would you tell your spouse about it and (if so) how might that conversation go? Would you say something like "Gawd there is this new guy/gal at work (or where ever) and I would love to do a little somethin' somethin' with them" or would you say simply "there is a new person at work (cafe, gas station, etc.)" and leave it go at that? OR! would you just let it go altogether and wait 'til you are doing swinger stuff (reading ads on SLS, or at a club, or house party, etc.) to find someone else, but not talk about the someone at work etc. that you find hot?

We'd tell each other right out. For us it's part of the whole excitement of swinging as well as the open communication that goes along with it. In my opinion, if you can't tell your spouse you think someone is hot and you want to have sex with them than what makes you think they would really be okay with you doing it in a swinging situation?

 

For us it just comes up in conversation when the kids aren't around, kinda' like "Dang, you should see the hot new gal at the gas station."

 

Mr. WS

[TNT 1,155]

Yep, we do

 

We've even been known to call each other in the middle of the day to say...."You should have seen the HOTTIE I just saw".

 

We're such pervs that when we're bored and there's nothing else to do, we head out to the local Hooters just to ogle the girls.

[Tybee Swing 286]

I guess we're different than most on this, and I'm not ashamed to say so.

 

If it's as you say, some new person at work, etc...no, neither one of us say we're fantasizing about somebody like that. If we're out on a date together, non-swinging, we really aren't in that mode, either. It's not like we're not allowed to fantasize or anything while away from each other or away from the swinging atmosphere, it's more like...we separate it. If we're in a club or some similiar environment, if we're looking at profiles together, we're definitely doing that, and talking about who's sexually attractive to us.

 

I wouldn't like to be in "swinger mode", 'trolling, or pick-up mentality, 24/7. I'd get weary of it if I had to endlessly hear my hubby going on and on about other women, or staring at them every time we were out. Sometimes when it's just us two out on the town, I don't want to be focused on everybody else. There are times when I want and even prefer to be 'vanilla' in our marriage. I don't want to hear about the 14 different ways he wants to do some girl at work, and he wouldn't want to hear that from me about how badly I want to do some guy at work, my trainer at the gym, etc....people we don't swing with and we don't equally interact with, I guess.

 

In other words, for us it's more of a time-and-place kind of thing. I like it best this way.

[Evil_Bastard 19]

That said, Alexxander had a point about his wife's insecurities. If your wife is similar, then you should be very conscious of how discussing your attraction to others will make her feel. (which would also be a big red flag for swinging…not a categorical deal killer but certainly a slippery slope)

 

You know your wife better than we do. If you think she would be fine with it, toss it out there and keep a keen awareness to her reaction.

 

For the most part I don't say anything to my wife at all any more (about swinging). From time to time she brings up the topic of swinging and I get away from those discussions as quickly as possible. This conversation was her idea and it was about how we might have been able to swing if I hadn't screwed everything up from the beginning. I had said that all I wanted (when I brought up the topic of swinging) was to be ALLOWED to be totally honest with her....to not have to hide myself in a box any more. I then added that I thought swinging couples had enough love and respect for their spouse to accept total honesty in communication. She added that she thought that they had enough love and respect to not say such things to their spouse.

 

We are not swinging, we are not planning on swinging, and I absolutely will never, ever, EVER swing.

 

Thank you all for your responses. It was just a nagging question that I had and you have all helped me to let it go now. THANKS!!!

[Mr.T 16]

. I then added that I thought swinging couples had enough love and respect for their spouse to accept total honesty in communication. She added that she thought that they had enough love and respect to not say such things to their spouse.THANKS!!!

 

You are right on this one,EB.Total communication is a must in this lyfestyle if you want to avoid trouble.

 

. We are not swinging, we are not planning on swinging, and I absolutely will never, ever, EVER swing.THANKS!!!

 

Probably a good idea.Based on your writings here,there are a few issues you both need to sort out.Hope all goes well.

[Tybee Swing 286]

For the most part I don't say anything to my wife at all any more (about swinging). From time to time she brings up the topic of swinging and I get away from those discussions as quickly as possible. This conversation was her idea and it was about how we might have been able to swing if I hadn't screwed everything up from the beginning. I had said that all I wanted (when I brought up the topic of swinging) was to be ALLOWED to be totally honest with her....to not have to hide myself in a box any more. I then added that I thought swinging couples had enough love and respect for their spouse to accept total honesty in communication. She added that she thought that they had enough love and respect to not say such things to their spouse.

 

Hi EB,

 

I don't know your story, but the question you asked isn't really the bottom line of communication and honesty in swinging. I'm the one that said we don't point out and talk constantly about people in the vanilla world - waiters, co-workers, people sitting nearby in restaurants, just anybody, all the time - regarding who we'd "do" and who we wouldn't. This isn't the same as talking openly and honestly together about swinging, what turns us on, what we want to do, etc.

 

You were asking us if we talk all the time about WHO we want to do. Even though we don't do that on an ongoing basis (my husband and I), we do talk frequently about swinging. We're real honest about what we want. You can be great communicators and honest with each other, even if you're not sharing every fantasy in your head about this individual or that one. It's just a matter of style differences, that's all.

 

Are you equating this with whether or not swinging would work for you? I don't quite understand what you were getting at.

[Evil_Bastard 19]

Hi Tybee Swing,

 

I'm sorry I didn't get back to you on this sooner, the problem is that in my experience this site that it is not that friendly toward people who don't fit the mold, and I had gotten the answers that I had wanted, so I just didn't feel like responding to your post. Well I came across it again today and I thought I would clearify it for you.

 

First! I will acknowledge that you are right you don't know my story, and most likely no one on this site ever will know my story. I don't mean that in any disrespectful way just that I am acknowledging that I haven't told my story here. My story is (after all) not neccessary in order to answer my question.

 

My question was if one of you (either you or your husband) noticed some one that they thought was hot would you be able to say something to them (in your case your husband). Then I gave three different alternitives as to how you would (or wouldn't approach this senario.)

 

I did not mean to imply that pointing out people that you (or your husband) thought was hot was the bottom line in communicating about swinging, only that (it seemed to me) it would be being honest, it would be being open, it would be putting your cards on the table (so to speak), about that facet of your life. I read much here about having honest, open, complete communication. To me (and I must admit that I could have been wrong) it seemed that honest communication meant telling the truth about seeing someone that you thought was hot, that open communication meant not being required to hide those little secret things away from your spouse/SO, that complete communication meant being able to say it all, whatever it was...even about THAT area of your life.

 

I did not ask if you and your husband (or anyone else) talk ALL the time about who you would like to do, only if it was possible for that conversation to be had AT ALL...ever...even occasionally.

 

No I am not equating this with whether swinging would work. I am already crystal clear that swinging will not work for US, and have already acknowledged that I am aware that it will not. I was simply equating this with complete, total, open, honest communication. If my wife suddenly became willing for complete total communication to happen I would still not be willing to swing with her. Yes I was the one who many years ago brought up the subject of swinging...my wife was the one who killed any desire to.

 

Finally! What I was getting at was do swinger couples (some couples, any couples) respect each other enough to have these kinds of conversations...or do they respect each other soo much that they hide those sorts of things away? I got differing responses from different couples, and the answer I was looking for. Most said that they accept that subject within their relationship and others said they don't.

 

Again I'm sorry for not responding sooner, but I hope this answers your question.

[havefuninsun 122]

Hi EB,

 

First, I'm sorry you feel that this board isn't kind to those with different lifestyle views, but I've read some unkind threads, so I can see (unfortunately) why you think that.

 

I think your question was a good one.

 

I answered a long time ago as to how Mr. Fun and I would respond. Now, if I put on my thinking cap and remember a time when I was married, I can honestly say my ex and I had the kind of relationship that we could talk about "hoties" and we were not swingers. I had no hangups about that sort of thing. He would visit "gentleman clubs" and I didn't care. Could we have been swingers? Probably. The relationship wasn't strong enough though, but both of us were open enough to our sexuality to have considered it in a different time.

 

Respect is a funny thing. If I were married to someone who found talking about the hotness of others as being disrespectful ("as your wife, I feel that you should only have eyes for me") then I would say that talking about others WOULD be disrespectful. However, if what I found respectful is a person being their own being ("please be open with me and tell me whatever is on your mind"), THAT too would be respectful.

 

If your wife is offended or hurt if you verbalize that you find another woman attractive, then the respectable thing to do in that situation is not share that.

 

Good luck!

[good times 991]

We are pretty much with the majority here and will talk about, or point out, people we find attractive quite often to each other. We too have pretty much always done this even before we got into swinging.

[WesternSwing 504]

EB, as I've said before in this thread we do talk about the hot new person at work or if we see someone hot. Mrs. WS came to me a couple weeks ago talking "the most beautiful human being" she'd ever seen at her work. I understand he is just that. And that's fine with me. Why would I be threatened by her thinking someone else is physically attractive? Or that she might be turned-on by him sexually? And yes, we do love each other enough to be able to be truthful in this manner.

 

You're earlier comment about your wife saying something along the lines that "they should have enough love and respect to not say such things to their spouse" made me shudder. This is one of the huge reasons for the high divorce rate and unhappy marriages in this world. The fact that couples can't be honest with each other because of the other's insecurities. It baffles me that people with be, and can be, more honest with complete strangers then they can or will be with the one person in their life that they should be able to be the most open and honest with: their spouse.

 

The message is loud and clear (and it's not you, you just verbalized it well): If you love someone you should be secretive and dishonest with them about your feelings, your hopes, your dreams, and who you are in general so that you avoid possibly hurting their feelings... because that means you love and respect them.

 

Personally, it that is "love and respect" I'd rather be hated. I could never be in a relationship where I couldn't discuss anything and everything. Mrs. WS knows my deepest, darkest secrets, fears, and insecurities. And it's because I love her so much, and trust her so much that I can tell her these things because I know she loves and respects me and would never, ever use any of them against me. That, my man, is true love and true respect and true honor in a relationship.

 

Thanks for coming back and posting again.

 

Mr. WS

[sereneiders 263]

My wife is my best friend, and this means I can talk with her as if she were the dude you take a beer with, so to speak, so it often happens that we're walking on the street and a beawtifull woman pass by, and I find myself telling my wife "oh, look at those boobs and ass... I'd fuck her brains out if having the chance", followed by her launghing and, perhaps, noding. The opposite is true as well.

 

However, I don't see the point on commenting about someone she doesn't know, uless I were thinking she should know her.

 

In fact, the same way we can openly share any tought, we also understand the importance of privacy: it isn't obligatory to share them. I am pretty sure she fantasized of guys I don't ever know of, as much as I did with women she doesn't know, and it isn't each other business.

[r_poseidon 17]

My girl just recently asked me to start finding "hot girls I would just want to f*ck really hard". I admit it was really weird coming from her, but kinda hot. We spent the night up on the internet sending links of hot girls and porn stars back and forth, and she got excited just as much as me. Maybe after a while when you are more comfortable is when these conversations come up.

 

She reminds me of a guy (in this situation), you know, telling me to go out and try to find a girl for a threesome, or let her know who I want to get into bed. I kinda like it ?

[Tybee Swing 286]

Hi EB, nice to see you. I'd forgotten what I'd written in this thread, so I went back and read the whole thing.

 

Hi Tybee Swing,

 

I'm sorry I didn't get back to you on this sooner, the problem is that in my experience this site that it is not that friendly toward people who don't fit the mold, and I had gotten the answers that I had wanted, so I just didn't feel like responding to your post. Well I came across it again today and I thought I would clearify it for you.

 

I'm sorry that you felt an unfriendly vibe. I agree that sometimes people get too harsh and too carried away here.

 

I don't always fit the mold, either (as you can see in my different kind of response in this thread). But fortunately, I'm rarely trashed for speaking my own mind. It happens just very occasionally, but I just ignore those people. There are plenty of others who keep this board interesting and keep the conversation intelligent and enlightening. It's worth sticking around for the better part of what this board has to offer.

 

I did not ask if you and your husband (or anyone else) talk ALL the time about who you would like to do, only if it was possible for that conversation to be had AT ALL...ever...even occasionally.

 

Again I'm sorry for not responding sooner, but I hope this answers your question.

 

Thanks for writing me. I understood what you meant, that you would like to be able to share these thoughts at least in certain circumstances with your wife, if you could. (I relate, with thoughts of my first marriage - very restrictive.) Whatever I said about "all the time", that was more in response to most of the answers on the thread, not to your original question. I was just sharing that we're not an all-the-time couple with the swinging mentality. I'll give an example: if we were out for our anniversary or some other "date" that's about us spending special time together, I'd much rather have him focused on me instead of all of the other tail in the room. We don't get a whole lot of quality time together, like so many other couples caught up with busy lives and demands on our time. There are times that I need the romance and to feel that I'm the only woman in the room (for him). Know what I mean? I'm a typical chick in a lot of ways. LOL

 

Sereneiders (a guy) said something that fits what I mean:

 

However, I don't see the point on commenting about someone she doesn't know, uless I were thinking she should know her.

 

This is pretty much what we do: when we're in "swinger mode" and checking people out, like at a meet-n-greet or something, this is when we're pointing people out, trying to see who they're with to make sure we wouldn't be "taking one for the team" (checking them out as a pair), asking each other if we'd do this person or that person, who's hot to us, what turns us on about them. We also look online at swingers the same way.

 

Since there is no way we're going to do our co-workers, and only one of us is spending a LOT of time with that person, we just don't talk about wanting to fuck hotties we're spending more waking hours with than we do with each other. For us, this is just crossing into disrespectful and a little uncomfortable. Our style seems somewhat alternate compared to others in this thread, but I have a feeling there are lots of other couples like us in swinging, too (in fact we know swinger friends have pretty much the same style we do on this).

 

Nice to see you here, EB.

[Evil_Bastard 19]

Tybee Swing,

 

Thanks for coming back to read my WAAAAYYY too late update. I get that every couple differs in how they handle things in their relationship and that's as it should be...as long as both parties have some semblance of equality.

 

In that conversation with my wife (that I referred to in my post) I was only trying to get her to see that various couples can have discussions about other people they meet and not have it be total destruction of the relationship. I don't think that it is a NATURAL LAW that if one partner finds another person attractive that they can't love their partner, or at the same time think their partner is even more attractive. So I was merely trying to get her to see that "Yes I see ladies that I find attractive" and I still love her very much, AND! that it would be much easier if I could simply acknowledge the fact and then we could move on to whatever is next...Whatever that might be. She thinks that if I truely loved her (as much as I SHOULD) then I wouldn't even notice others...and if I did (somehow notice) I surely shouldn't want to say anything about it to her. I think (AND! I could of course be waayyyy! wrong here) that if she would have just relaxed a bit she would have seen a long time ago that I'm not going to leave for every or any little hottie I see!

 

I do have to admit that my wife won. I don't tell her if I find someone hot. Of course I don't say anything at all about swinging, or sex in general for that matter. I don't say anything about strip clubs, or swing clubs, or watching porn, and I (especially) don't talk about any fantasy I might have. I don't feel that any of that would be acceptable in our relationship...and I do still love my wife. The problem that I have now is that I spend soo much time and energy making sure that I don't fuckup and let something slip (so that she doesn't feel bad) that it seems that all I do any more is think about everything I'm not supposed to think about.

 

I think I said far too much so I think I'll quit.

 

Again thanks Tybee, and everyone else for your responses.

[intuition897 2,179]

In that conversation with my wife (that I refered to in my post) I was only trying to get her to see that various couples can have discussions about other people they meet and not have it be total destruction of the relationship. I don't think that it is a NATURAL LAW that if one partner finds another person attractive that they can't love their partner, or at the same time think their partner is even more attractive. So I was merely trying to get her to see that "Yes I see ladies that I find attractive" and I still love her very much, AND! that it would be much easier if I could simply acknowledge the fact and then we could move on to whatever is next...Whatever that might be. She thinks that if I truely loved her (as much as I SHOULD) then I wouldn't even notice others...and if I did (somehow notice) I surely shouldn't want to say anything about it to her.

 

I'm inclined to agree with you. I know that your wife doesn't care much for my opinion on things, so she's free to tell me to MYOFB. However, I'll still say that I agree with you. Of course, you have to consider where you're getting these "2nd opinions" from. We're experienced swingers and our view of things differs significantly from the mainstream view...and from her view. The thing is, most of us have seen things from both angles and she's only seen them from one. I used to believe exactly what she does, and it caused me nothing but heartache. It sure didn't make me feel any better about myself, my husband or my marriage. It just intensified my insecurities.

 

Yes, it's VERY possible to be able to acknowledge our attraction to others and not have that acknowledgement detract from the love we have for one another. We've seen that first-hand.

 

I think (AND! I could of course be waayyyy! wrong here) that if she would have just relaxed a bit she would have seen a long time ago that I'm not going to leave for every or any little hottie I see!

 

This isn't about you or what you will or won't do. And it's not a matter of just 'relaxing'. If she just 'relaxed' and went against her very firm beliefs, she would be betraying herself. And while it might get you some pussy, in the long run, you're not going to feel very good about how it makes her feel. This is about her beliefs, and if she's not interested in changing them, NOT swinging is your only real option.

 

I do have to admit that my wife won...The problem that I have now is that I spend soo much time and energy making sure that I don't fuckup and let something slip (so that she doesn't feel bad) that it seems that all I do any more is think about everything I'm not supposed to think about.

 

Smells like resentment. It doesn't mean you don't still love her, but I think your silence is breeding some hard feelings for her. Now you can either just tell her what you're feeling (while still reassuring her that you love her), and trusting that she'll be adult enough to handle your real feelings, or you can continue to bottle them up and become resentful. The flip-side of this coin is that you have to be ready to hear exactly how she feels about you and your desires, your proposal to swing, and about herself. I don't envy her. I remember how horrible I felt when I was in her position. Mr. intuition was wise to give me ample space and time to become more comfortable with the idea of even considering it.

[Evil_Bastard 19]

Hello Intuition,

 

Thank you for your response, AND! This thread was simply to find an answer to a question about how (actual swinging couples) would handle a certain situation. I know I took my own thread someplace where it shouldn't have gone and for that I appologize to you and everyone else here. Again I will say that I have the answer that I asked for and I discovered that as in the real world, different swinging couples handle it situation differently...though the ratios may be inverted...OR! maybe not.

 

intuition897 said:

Mr. intuition was wise to give me ample space and time to become more comfortable with the idea of even considering it.

 

This is simply a question of course, and you don't even have to answer it....consider it rhetorical if you like. Is this to imply that I am a dolt...or am I merely drawing an un-need inference?

 

Again Thanks

[intuition897 2,179]

This is simply a question of course, and you don't even have to answer it....consider it rhetorical if you like. Is this to imply that I am a dolt...or am I merely drawing an un-need inference?

 

Again Thanks

 

Evil_Bastard

 

No, no inference or insinuation or implication...just relating what worked for us and I guess offering it as advice.

[jim d 15]

A big part of the fun is pointing out people she might find attractive, and later hearing what she'd like to do with them.

[lovefest04 689]

I can only say that we're very happy no one can read our minds or listen in on our fantasies.

 

I can't tell you how many people we come across everyday, at the kids school, in the supermarket, at the park that end up in our fantasies. We do have our favorite vanilla people we'd like to do, and yes we talk about them all the time.

 

The kick is, i expect they think we are vanilla as well. Maybe one day we'll find they have the same fantasies about us.

 

Do we talk about it. Yes, in great detail, what we find attractive, why and even what kind of lovers we think they'd be in bed (hot, lazy, experimental, etc).

[DBL D 120]

Very interesting thread...kind of a Split-Thread, if you will. :rollseyes

 

Most people have bought into the idea that marriage has to be only about each other sexually or therwise, when there are many things that you include in a marriage that aren't just about each other. i.e., Entertaining friends by spending more time making them comfortable than your own spouse during that time comes to mind.

 

I don't know what it was that swung Fem D's mind over to swinging being an acceptable thing to do from the "No Way" I heard at first, but you do have to give her time. She may be so disgusted with you that she hasn't even thought about it since...or she may be disgusted with herself for thinking for even a minute that it might be a good thing. Jealousy and insecurity are two things that most people have to overcome to be successful swingers. They also have to really like people and want to be with different types of people which means they will, sooner or later, be exposed to some of the things they knew were out there and hoped never to experience. I'm an adventurer and nothing scares me; my wife is full of little fears, though she has done a great job of putting herself out there and trying to learn. Most swingers come from this type of background. They didn't meet at a sex party. They were married in a church. Have strong, many times unfounded, fears of what will happen to their relationship. Still, they are fears and have to be managed. Some find it better to place their heads back in the sand than to honestly deal with them and their spouses desires.

 

Which leads to the main point of this thread. Do we talk about someone new at work or who we saw or maybe someone who helped us do something?

We're getting better about it. We know where we will get our sex with others so it shouldn't be a problem. Insecurites about who we are play such a role in accepting those type of comments. Once we start to REALLY feel like we know ourselves then we can start to open up more.

 

Good luck you Evil_Bastard, you!

 

Male D

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

we are both very open with each other about people we see. If anything I'll get annoyed when he comments on a girl AFTER she's out of sight... "wait I didn't see her, that's not fair... I wanna see too".

[MrkLin 393]

We're completely open with each other, and have no secrets. Heck, 9 times out of 10 she's either reading over my shoulder, or I leave browser windows open so she can see everything I do online. As far as talking about a girl or guy is concerned, it happens all the time. She comes home with a story about a new 'possible' she's flirting with at least a half dozen times a year. We discuss it, and if she wants to pursue things, we go from there.

 

Talking about people we find attractive just seems natural to us.

[LFM2 1,482]

Heck, we share EVERYTHING with each other. If we believe someone is attractive, we'll mention it. Even if we can't express what we want to say to each other at that specific time, it will get mentioned sooner or later. So yes, we mention every little thought we have.

[lovinher 505]

IMO, If a couple cannot communicate such a thing they have no business swinging and it is foolish to think their spouse is blind to an attractive person. I think I'd would have a problem if she didn't tell me. Mainly because it would bother me if she felt had to keep something like that from me. In our house it's not an issue and I have heard plenty of grocery store stories.

[sweet_tna 680]

Of course I'd tell Mr. Sweet, as he does with me. Even before we started swinging we'd tell each other about anyone we encountered that captured our interest.

 

Sample conversation:

 

Me: So I went in for my training session at the gym, but S. (my trainer) couldn't make it. Instead, I got Mr. Yummy, aka "cute trainer boy."

 

Mr. Sweet: What did you do to the poor guy?

 

Me: Nothing . . . inappropriate. I just watched his cute little ass and that great ink, and just imagined giving him a really good workout.

 

Mr. Sweet: Yes, my honey, I'm sure you could . . .

 

=)

[cocpl2007 170]

This one is still a "work in progress" in our relationship!

 

About the time I (Mr. Co) think I have it figured out, say some lusty does one of those peek-a-boobie dips to show off the girls, I'll mention to her what happened. Sometimes her "professionalism" kicks-in and she quickly expresses her displeasure. Then, during the same trip/excursion a lady will dip'm for her, and she'll make sure and point out an opportunity for me to see'm too.

 

Now when it comes to "booty" she's the quick one with those. She notices right away, and always points out that I need to change my gaze, to join her's.

 

We do share our initial impressions of people we meet, so we can better judge each other's "compatibility index." Just when I think I have her's figured out, she'll toss in a zinger!

[MN Tom 251]

We've always done this even when we were dating, and in early marriage, which was way before we discovered the lifestyle.

 

Although I will say that since joining the lifestyle we have been able to expand upon the discussion. In the early days I would notice a gal and point her out, wife would look and comment, and that was that.

 

Now, we notice people, and mention things we would like to do with them if given the chance.

[Alura 2,773]

Among my list of "Top One Hundred Conversations with Laura" I'd find this one:

 

Setting: At the Ballet, during intermission.

 

"Darling, look at the couple walking away from the bar just now."

 

"Yes, she's very cute! I really like her dress." (Slit skirts always did it for me.)

 

"She just caught my eye, looked at you, then back into my eye, and liked what she saw. Would you like to fuck her while I do her delicious-looking husband?"

 

"Why, I'd love to, Sweetheart!"

 

"Let's go meet them and see what they think of the idea."

 

Alura

[MN Tom 251]

Among my list of "Top One Hundred Conversations with Laura" I'd find this one:

 

Setting: At the Ballet, during intermission.

 

"Darling, look at the couple walking away from the bar just now."

 

"Yes, she's very cute! I really like her dress." (Slit skirts always did it for me.)

 

"She just caught my eye, looked at you, then back into my eye, and liked what she saw. Would you like to fuck her while I do her delicious-looking husband?"

 

"Why, I'd love to, Sweetheart!"

 

"Let's go meet them and see what they think of the idea."

 

Alura

 

That is pure beauty Alura. Worthy of treasuring.

[hughb 45]

I would tell my wife about this hot chick I saw and what she was wearing and how she moved and acted and all about her beautiful features and charming mannerisms and what she was wearing. And if she spoke to me I would tell my wife everything she said and how MAYBE!! she was flirtiing with me...or either way was being really nice and REALLY caught my attention.

 

That I wanted to fuck her is implied.

[djjwp 129]

Work... I could have the most beautiful woman in the world naked and wanting me there and she would go unanswered. NEVER S#!t where you eat.

 

Now out... that is fair game. We see someone that trips our trigger and it it's mentioned. We are not jealous and know where we stand with each other. That is the best and most attractive part of my wife to me!

[Youngcalcpl 125]

If either of us sees a someone that would match our type we tend to bring it to the other's attention.

 

A couple weeks ago I (Mr. Ycc) met up with a couple of our friends (vanilla friends, since we don't have any real life swinger friends since we moved) at a local bar and a couple that had never joined the group before but knew one of the couples showed up. I stopped midsentence when I saw the husband and turned to one of the wives who knows our little secret and said "Oh no, who is that and how can I become friends with him because is going to go gaga over him". Not 30 minutes later my wife showed up took one look at the husband and couldn't look his direction again because she would totally blush when she did. Every time she caught my eye I would laugh at her and give a knowing wink. I love teasing her about it when she sees someone she likes and I love being able to spot them.

 

We don't tend to talk about women we see since as a male my "type" is quite a bit broader. I never mention anyone at work since I work so far from home it might get the wheels turning in her head that might be messing around. Which I'm not.

[willyoats 324]

I always mention anyone new that looks like she would be great fun in bed. Sometimes we can follow through and sometimes it just becomes another fantasy.

[shrevecouple 252]

I guess we're different than most on this, and I'm not ashamed to say so.

 

If it's as you say, some new person at work, etc...no, neither one of us say we're fantasizing about somebody like that. If we're out on a date together, non-swinging, we really aren't in that mode, either. It's not like we're not allowed to fantasize or anything while away from each other or away from the swinging atmosphere, it's more like...we separate it. If we're in a club or some similiar environment, if we're looking at profiles together, we're definitely doing that, and talking about who's sexually attractive to us.

 

I wouldn't like to be in "swinger mode", 'trolling, or pick-up mentality, 24/7. I'd get weary of it if I had to endlessly hear my hubby going on and on about other women, or staring at them every time we were out. Sometimes when it's just us two out on the town, I don't want to be focused on everybody else. There are times when I want and even prefer to be 'vanilla' in our marriage. I don't want to hear about the 14 different ways he wants to do some girl at work, and he wouldn't want to hear that from me about how badly I want to do some guy at work, my trainer at the gym, etc....people we don't swing with and we don't equally interact with, I guess.

 

In other words, for us it's more of a time-and-place kind of thing. I like it best this way.

 

This is me exactly!!!!!!!

 

Just an addition to this. I think there is a big difference in acknowledging people you find attractive to your spouse and saying "she/he's hot, I wanna fuck them". I think that is what usually causes issues for "vanillas". Its not that you find someone else physically attractive it's when the implication is that you want to have sex with them. Or the impression of that.