Secrets to a successful marriage

[telly2 15]

Why do people use "divorce" as a threat when upset?

 

It is like the catch phrase of the times. If you step out of line

It is divorce. In our relationship, that isn't even a word in our vocabulary, I think we are strange, as the divorce rate is 52% on this continent. Maybe it was our upbringing, but it isn't even a option, let alone a word used out of anger. Are marriage vows that meaningless that we can throw the D word around like it means nothing. I think i was born in the wrong time. I belive in the old ways you married someone for life.

 

I can understand if there is abuse or cheating but it seems in todays society there is no reason to small to warrent a divorce, actually you don't need a real reason at all.

 

So maybe the way this should go is for those of us who have never been divorced, What is your secret to a great longlasting marriage?

 

Ours communication, honesty and intimacy, It has worked for 12 yrs.so far.

[Mr.T 16]

I'm gonna add my bit here.

 

Sometimes disagreements (I hate the term Fights) occur that even communication can't imediately calm.This is where my advice fits.

 

Know when to speak up and when to shut up.

 

Sometimes forcing your position can only make matters worse.Ask yourself if something is really worth fighting for if it can cost you a happy relationship.If you really believe you're right,stand your ground but be reasonable about it.If not,For gods sake don't push it.

 

Quote from The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy:

 

I'd much rather be happy than right any day.

[flkeyscouple 21]

I'd much rather be happy than right any day.

Dito Good quote, Mr. T. I'm not sure I am always living by this quote, but I sure wish I would. Sometimes I'm too pigheaded, but my hubby is SO wonderful and knows I'm simply being pigheaded. And he KNOWS I'd much rather be happy than right!!

 

Sarah

[DGrey 28]

LOL...when Dino and I argue or hash it out I remind him that it will cost him more to get rid of me than it will to keep me. Works every time.

[rebelnangel 15]

Well, I have been married once before. But it was nothing compared to my present marriage. I would never divorce my hubby,threaten to divorce him or even let an argument get out of hand. I would rather give in if it's something mundane or stupid, because I do not plan to ever be without my love. If we have an argument, I come in to play online, he goes to play his video games. When we calm down, we talk. This is the best relationship I have ever had...I plan on keeping him

[Guest MrsVan]

Wow! Where to begin...Let me first state that as you all have read, MrVan and I have been previously married before finding each other so I won't bore you with the details again. We both started off at a young age by having children and getting married and guess for me it was a lot of "I thought I knew what I was doing" kind of thing and thought that my marriage would never end.

 

I am a firm believer that you marry your spouse for life, for better or worse, in sickness and in health and I hold true to those statements. However, I would never throw those words around to my spouse just because we had a disagreement. Now my first marriage, I tried to save it before it fell apart but more and more things happened and well guess I got some sense knocked into me and realized that I needed to get out and get out fast and divorce was not a word just thrown around for him to change, it was an action that was taken and I do not regret that decision.

 

Now MrVan and I have been together going on 9 years (wow that is a really long time ) but married for 3 going on 4 next year but in our time together we have never had a fight where we were so mad at each other that we wanted to call it quits. Actually MrVan and I never fight in anger and we tend to just disagree, talk about how we feel and then move on. It is interesting as our children see at our ex's houses' the fighting and constant argueing and when they make a comment about us we ask them "how often do you see us fight" and their response is "never".

 

MrVan and I learned from our first marriages that the #1 reason for a successful marriage is COMMUNICATION. The second most important reasons is TRUST and the third is RESPECT. Communication + Trust+ Respect = a successful marriage ( and then throw in the lifestyle and wow that is a successful marriage++++). We both had been cheated on in our previous marraiges and we both are not ones to cheat, we are madly in love with each other and I never see that changing. Actually it was pretty funny this evening as I took my daughters out to a movie and dinner and my oldest (12) brought a friend and somehow we got on the topic of name changes and why woman have to change their last names when they get married. My youngest went through my maiden name, then my name from their father and now my name with MrVan and I said to them that "this is the last name I will take and this will be my name for the rest of my life" and my daughters just smiled but the friend said " i think it will be" and then smiled. I took it as a compliment that the friend sees the relationship that MrVan and I have as well and I hope that our children learn from us as well. We tend to make our children sick because we are a very affectionate, passionate loving couple who wants the whole world to see how much we mean to each other.

 

Sorry for the long post but this is a post that is very dear to me as I have found everything in MrVan and would never want any of that to change.

 

MrsVan

 

PS- Having an amazing sex life is also a reason as having that intimacy and passion, makes you realize just how much you love the one your with.

[MoonLightKiss 28]

What makes a successful marriage? If the answer was easy we could all be rich psychologists repairing everyone's marriage and the divorce rate would drop to .01%. Its different for each couple, because each person is different and wants different things out of marriage. But through observing my parents who are going on 20+ years and in my own marriage it has basically boiled down to "How much are willing to work to make it work?"

 

There are couples who do respect each other, communicate somewhat and they still end up divorced. They end up being great friends afterwards, but one day they both wake up and realize "Gee...this isn't all I thought it was. Think I will get a divorce. Hope the kids are okay with it."

 

And there are those couples who are completely mistreating each other and everyone around them who for some reason stick it out. Go figure.

 

As far as my own marriage which is really the only one I can comment on, it comes down to several things. The Mrs. thoughts: 1. Is what I am fixing to argue over really worth standing my ground for? 2. Is it possible we are arguing over a surface problem instead of the root of the matter, and if so how do I dig out the source? 3. Keep him physically satisfied, and I won't even have to ask him to keep my emotionally satisfied. Cause lets face it women. Men need sex to feel close to their women. Women need to feel close to be able to make love to their men. Its okay for women to give in first in this case. 4. NEVER NEVER throw the D word around. Do not use it unless you really mean it, and I am not talking about meaning it right now. If you use it, be damn sure you want it. And for crying out loud, PLEASE do not use it to get your spouse to tow the line. Its no better than manipulation.

 

The Mr.s thoughts (though the mrs. types faster so she is editing while he speaks) : 1. Hug, kiss, cuddle and emotionally satisfy the wife. She needs it. 2. Remember this question, Do you really want to be so prideful you have to be right. Because pride ends up with you alone. 3. I agree with the Mrs. Do not use the D word. We don't take it as a threat but as a blast to our manhood. Our first thoughts are usually "We must not be good enough if she wants a divorce."

 

Those basic guidelines have kept us happier than anything else. We have argued less, and when we did, it was over a worthwhile subject. We have been happier emotionally and physically. And since we have begun walking down the road of swinging, the communication skills we have learned have only enhanced a happy marriage. Just our thoughts...Sorry post so long.

[rpu3 630]

I'm sure everyone has their own secret to their relationship success, given that each relationship is unique.

 

We discuss this on occasion, and mostly we discuss that we are each rather independent people, who are together by choice, and that's why it works for us. I didn't want to get married at all and only did it because the spousal unit had no issue with my ridiculous demands, such as being married in Las Vegas by Elvis (I figured the more ridiculous the wedding, the better chance it would outlast milk).

 

We feel we are very "tight", even though we might be leading separate lives occasionally due to work demands, or outside interests, etc. We enjoy our time together thoroughly, and but also enjoy a certain amount of freedom in doing things for ourselves (i.e., he obtained his advanced degree, I pursue my outside interests, or travel on my own if his schedule doesn't allow it).

 

We've found we have a lot of room or flexibility or freedom to be who we are without placing expectations on the other. At the same time, we are aware of the issues that can't be independent decisions or actions. That flexibility with the awareness, as well as being very open and honest in communication, is what keeps our relationship together and makes it interesting for us.

[oddcouple2841 16]

I know with my ex the absolute end came when she thought she had found someone else she "loved" and she did not feel that way about me anymore. S and I have talked on this a lot. Looking back before the end came I can see there was a real breakdown in communication. I also realize that I was spending more time trying to avoid her. We had simply moved onto separate courses in our lives or "grown apart" if you will. We had both stopped trying to please the other and simply were trying not to aggravate the other one.

 

IMO - marriage is like a flower garden, two have planted the seeds together early on but that garden needs constant tending. Weeds must be pulled with communication, it must be watered with constant meaningful dialog and honesty, it must be fertilized with a little excitement and both must be willing to adapt to conditions that develop during a lifetime of change.

 

Anger and resentment build over time. A couple must work constantly to purge old hurts or infractions or these will build to a point that they destroy the relationship. An understanding attitude and realization that no person is perfect will go a long way towards preventing the kinds of blowups that result in the demise of a relationship. Saying you forgive but then dredging up old transgressions at every argument will sooner or later build to a point that destroys any relationship.

 

Trust, Ronald Reagan said "trust but verify". This is important, had I not simply trusted my ex her transgressions would not have gotten to the point of no return. With S and her little indiscretion would not have occurred had I taken a more active approach. Trust is good, blind trust is foolish. I am not saying to brow beat your partner questioning every move but get enough information to see when something is indeed afoot. When you have enough questions to become suspicious, confront it. Don't let whatever you're suspicions about reach the point that it is too large to recover from.

[flkeyscouple 21]

I'll try to keep this short and sweet...

 

Roger and I have been together 25 years, married 20 of those. However I was previously married and divorced. I won't go into those details but suffice it to say that 90% of those problems were mine - not my ex husbands. I went through major psychiatric counseling after my divorce and learned mountains about why I did the things I did.

 

I met Roger while going through all the counseling. We truly believe we are soul mates. We agreed from the beginning on total honesty. It's been great. We are each others best friend. We've always had a very active sex life and our passion has been outstanding. We attribute our wonderful marriage and relationship to those things. Honesty, Communication, Passion, Sex Life, Love, Friendship - not necessarily in that order! I think they are all #1 on the list!!

 

Sarah

[Mr. Truelove 81]

All the people here have had such great comments it would be hard to add or improve them.

 

Many people are listing things that are great in a relationship, things that really help. But if I were to list one thing that I thought was undeniably true, one thing that you cannot have a good marriage without, that would be honesty. It's a real shame when I see marriages that do not have that.

 

My parent lack this virtue. They have been married for close to 40 years now. They have reasons and ways that keep them together, but I wouldn't call it by my definition successful.

[telly2 15]

Mr Truelove, I think you hit the mail on the head, Parents relationships.

 

For myself my parents were married till death do us part, it wasn't always easy, Dad was a heavy drinker and mom put up with it, till he almost die of a heart attack at 48, then that life stopped, and Mom was the doting leave it to beaver wife till she die at 50, they went through hell together because of illness, and mom went through hell because of dad's drinking, But they always stuck it out. Was it a great success not from what i remember, but to them it was a commitment and there was no backing out.

 

MR T's parents weren't much better, little affection, apparently sexless, a marriage of convenience from his dad's side and she was madly in love and there was no changing her mind. She to died very young 54 if I remember correctly. {i never met her}

 

So now that I have board you with that, Me and Mr T have taken what we grew up with and swore never would we be like that, I would never put up with the drinking, and he is a very affectionate type, So maybe seeing the hard marriages set us up for what we wanted out of our own relationships.

 

The other thing we got married young 21& 22 so we have more or less grown up together, with the attitude we would never be the stat that young marriages fail more than older, I think as we weren't Set in our ways yet, we had a better chance to combine our lives with out having to change a lot of things,{like getting rid of his ugly chair because it didn't match my furniture}. I will never say it has always been easy, we have had our troubles but we have always stuck together and would never turn on our vows to get a head in anyway.

 

Sorry about the rambling, but i think it was an important point, we either want what our parents have {like i hope our children are learning from} or we want to have better if their relationships were difficult. But if we learn at a young age that marriages are disposable, then we live that way. So many see parents in and out of relationships that they never learn to fight for anything. Things get to hard leave no need to fight for it. I will now hop off my and lets see what other ideas come out.

 

Chantal

[Mr. Truelove 81]

telly2 said:

taken what we grew up with and swore never would we be like that

Exactly!

[EvilMJ 65]

I too refuse to go the route my parents went. I love them both but there are times I look at my mother and wonder why in hell she stayed with this man who treats her with so little respect.

 

Our marriage works for several reasons:

 

1. I understand his job- he has to work long hours, in the winter he can be gone for days. I realize that he doesn't have control of this and he isn't out cheating on me. I see so many of the guys that I work with who separate because their wives don't understand why they work so much.

 

2. We communicate when there is a problem and the problems is, we don't let things fester. If I feel he isn't carrying his weight in the housework department I tell him, if he thinks I am being particularly cranky he tells me.

 

3. We never hold a grudge and we never threaten divorce. I may ask him if he is happy being married to me and if he isn't he should tell me, but that is as close as that gets. I find once we have our little row then we are fine and things are back to normal.

 

4. We both want to make our marriage work. If that's not there, then nothing is.

 

5. Oh and that last but not least we respect that we both need time away. He likes to do his hunting, sporting events stuff with the guys, I like to go play pool or dancing with the girls. No one gets bent out of shape if the other wants to go out once in a while.

 

We respect each other and love each other and we try to play the game of putting yourself in the other person's shoes. It keeps things in perspective.

 

The Mr. says that a back rub always keeps him in the good books too.

[flkeyscouple 21]

An opposing point of view - maybe....

 

My parents just celebrated their 60th anniversary. They are a very loving couple. I remember as a kid they would always be kissing in the kitchen and our dog would go nuts barking at them. They have a slew of kids so we know they had sex! But they are VERY religious, VERY conservative, VERY strict, and VERY set in their ways.

 

I can't say "taken what we grew up with and swore never would we be like that" because they were good roll models in their respect and care for each other. I NEVER heard them fight or argue - they may have, but NEVER in front of the kids/grandkids. But I can say that we choose to be less set in our ways, less strict, less conservative, and less religious - so maybe it was because of the way we were raised?? Hard to say.

 

But the respect and admiration my parents still have for each other is a great model for us, our kids, and their great-grandchildren.

 

Sarah

[EvilMJ 65]

wait, I have something to add

 

I have the flu... last night I went to get a strawberry Popsicle (my little weakness) and they were all gone. So I went to have a bath and go to bed as I felt terrible.

 

Not 15 minutes later there is knock on the door, hubby had changed his clothes, scrounged up some change and went out and got me a Popsicle.

 

That's when I thought of this thread. It is the little things that make a successful marriage. It might not have been much but it made me feel better, not only my throat, but it made me feel good that he cared enough to think of doing that for me.

 

There...back to my sick bed.

[havefuninsun 122]

EvilMJ said:

wait, I have something to add

 

I have the flu... last night I went to get a strawberry Popsicle (my little weakness) and they were all gone. So I went to have a bath and go to bed as I felt terrible.

 

Not 15 minutes later there is knock on the door, hubby had changed his clothes, scrounged up some change and went out and got me a Popsicle.

 

That's when I thought of this thread. It is the little things that make a successful marriage. It might not have been much but it made me feel better, not only my throat, but it made me feel good that he cared enough to think of doing that for me.

 

There...back to my sick bed.

 

 

These stories make me smile.

[Mrs.PaganLovers 15]

The million dollar question. I agree with the person that said, I think it is different for each couple.

 

As for Mr. PL and I, I have said before, respect, trust and communication. I have total respect for my husband, he is truly a brilliant man, he can do anything he sets his mind too. I trust him totally, and we talk all the time. We truly are each others best friend, we do everything together, we just wouldn't have fun if we weren't together.

 

I started bringing coffee to him in bed every morning 13 years ago. I still do, not because he expects it, but because I want to. He is always doing things to surprise me, and always tells me how much he loves me. Always a touch of the hand, a kiss, a wink.

 

We have never had a fight, I know that is hard to believe, but it's true. My marriage candle has never been lit. I believe that when you enter as a soul, that sometimes you split apart. I found my split apart, we think alike and are always saying and thinking the same thing at the same time.

I read a long time ago, that the secret to a good marriage is to treat each other like a guest in your house, I think that was good advice.

 

Blessings

Mrs. PL

[Guest MrsVan]

EvilMJ said:

wait, I have something to add

 

I have the flu... last night I went to get a strawberry Popsicle (my little weakness) and they were all gone. So I went to have a bath and go to bed as I felt terrible.

 

Not 15 minutes later there is knock on the door, hubby had changed his clothes, scrounged up some change and went out and got me a Popsicle.

 

That's when I thought of this thread. It is the little things that make a successful marriage. It might not have been much but it made me feel better, not only my throat, but it made me feel good that he cared enough to think of doing that for me.

 

There...back to my sick bed.

 

 

EvilMJ,

 

It is those types of things that make me appreciate the marriage that I have with MrVan. We have had an absolutely stressful insane week and I have been so stressed between issues we have had with the house, to working mandatory overtime and doing school work that I am so overwhelmed. But the other day while I was working, MrVan ran to the store and he came back and brought me a Starbucks hot chocolate ( I know it is not much but it was to me). He actually did this two days in a row and surprised me with a hot chocolate and it made my day and lifted some of the stress for that short period of time.

 

I know that there are also things that I do for MrVan that he appreciates at times and it is always those little things that keep the flames lit between us.

 

PS- I hope that you are feeling better now and at least got to enjoy Thanksgiving.

[Guest MrsVan]

Mrs.PaganLovers said:

We have never had a fight, I know that is hard to believe, but it's true. My marriage candle has never been lit. I believe that when you enter as a soul, that sometimes you split apart. I found my split apart, we think alike and are always saying and thinking the same thing at the same time.

I read a long time ago, that the secret to a good marriage is to treat each other like a guest in your house, I think that was good advice.

 

Blessings

Mrs. PL

 

Mrs. PL,

 

This is not hard to believe for us...MrVan and I are the same way. We have married our best friend in each other and do everything together and if one of us is doing something away from the other, we always think of each other and wish we were there together to share in the moment. We never fight and we communicate and talk about what is bothering us rather than yelling and walking away which has been done in previous marriages.

 

I find it very sweet that you take him coffee in bed every morning and that says a lot about your marriage. I have to agree with your comment "that the secret to a good marriage is to treat each other like a guest in your house." I would think that with that mind set, any marriage can be a solid strong relationship.

[flkeyscouple 21]

I think the percentage of good, solid marriages, per number of members here - is higher than average. I think that the majority of swingers have unusually strong marriages (or relationships).

 

I know that our relationship is very much like Mrs. Van has said theirs is, and Mrs. Pagenlover has said theirs is.... and others have said too.

 

Roger and I have never had a fight - we've disagreed (although seldom) but we can discuss without fighting. We spend time together because we like to. We hold hands, sit together when in a crowd, and we also do little things for each other. I'm a 'dew-aholic' and have to have my diet dew every morning. It's my ONLY caffeine (doctor's orders) each day and I am obessed with having it. One night not long ago I realized I was out of dew and I wouldn't have it first thing in the morning. I was upset, but not enough to get dressed and go to the store. When I woke up the next morning my dew was there. Roger had gotten up before me and had run to the store to get my dew. It's little things like this - and there have been so many examples listed here - that show how we treat each other as guests in our house (agreed - good saying, Mrs. PL).

 

People always say you must work at a good marriage. For us, we don't consider it work - it's natural and it's fun. We spend close to all our time together and we talk about everything. And a great sex life doesn't hurt either!

 

Sarah

[telly2 15]

I think that we do have a great percentage of great marriages here, maybe it is because we do all communicate well, and when we have issues we have somewhere to go to have others look at it and help us fix them, when they seem too big to handle. I am sure others out there have done so and i hope we have helped. I know we can't save them all, but if we can help one then we have done our best right.

 

And as for the little things, Den works 6 days on 3 off alternating between nights and days, I try to get up with him on the day shifts, 5 a.m. is early, and if the kids have been up through the night then I am done for, but if not I am up making his tea and getting him off to work, the mornings I can't I feel so guilty. And I also try to have dinner on the table for when he gets home, or have it made early for when he leaves for night shift, I believe in family meals so I try my best to have them on the table for all of us to eat together.

 

Chantal

[10thBadger 25]

On 11/18/2006 at 6:35 PM, telly2 said:

Why do people use "divorce" as a threat when upset?

 

It is like the catch phrase of the times. If you step out of line

It is divorce. In our relationship, that isn't even a word in our vocabulary, I think we are strange, as the divorce rate is 52% on this continent. Maybe it was our upbringing, but it isn't even a option, let alone a word used out of anger. Are marriage vows that meaningless that we can throw the D word around like it means nothing. I think i was born in the wrong time. I belive in the old ways you married someone for life.

 

I can understand if there is abuse or cheating but it seems in todays society there is no reason to small to warrent a divorce, actually you don't need a real reason at all.

 

So maybe the way this should go is for those of us who have never been divorced, What is your secret to a great longlasting marriage?

 

Ours communication, honesty and intimacy, It has worked for 12 yrs.so far.

Well my husband and I have been married for 29 years. We have had our ups and downs like anyone else but I know there is one thing that will definitely get me divorced if I do it and my husband knows the same as well. If either husband or I would cheat on one another and go outside of our marriage for sex, I know my husband will divorce me immediately and I would do the same. There would be no forgiving or working it out. Because the trust would be gone. And excuses of being lonely, I was drunk, Or putting yourself in a situation that you can’t get out of.

 

Yes for some people divorces use it as a tool to get your way or to control the situation but my husband and I made a swear that we do not cheat or it will be the nuclear option. And it has worked and I am happy to say that I know my husband is very strict on himself and I am strict on myself.

[Billygoat 443]

Although living in this lifestyle isn’t for everyone……nearly everyone in it has a sound well anchored relationship…..what ever works…works for them.

 

My Queen and I dated for three years, not strictly exclusive during all three years and yes we were….and still are High School Sweethearts.

 

Married at twenty years old…this March will mark 44 years for us.

 

Neither of us will say we are perfect or have had a perfect life.  We have worked and supported each other through most every good and bad experiences that life throws at you.  We did it together.  Supporting each other as equals.

 

This question is asked often.  We have our description of our relationship;  Best Friends, Lovers, Greatest Fans of each other, Mother and Father, Grand Parents……some where down the road Husband and Wife.  We never really have described or thought of each other as Husband and Wife.  We live with each other as lovers….most always thinking of each other.  Always there for each other.

 

Sure we have had likes and dislikes, hurt feelings etc but always talked it through.  Rarely bicker….we do tease each other often…..and raised voice arguments are rare and can be counted on one hand.   We care for each other so much neither of us wants or acts spite-full, hurtful, or vengeful to each other.

 

Not really sure there is any one thing that is the magic pill……every relationship needs to discover it’s own way I guess.  Our life works for us….we share everything with each other.