Husband seems one-sided?

[sexycpl4u2006 15]

Ok - not exactly sure how to start but my husband and I have been married for 18 years and just looking to add some excitement to our sex life. We have talked about possible 3somes (he has done most of the talking) I was a definite NO at first, then I found this site and have been reading the threads and stories for some time now. I must say that I am very curious and possibly interested in this lifestyle.

 

Here's my problem...we have been talking again...he wants a mff 3some because (he said) he wants to watch me and another woman and he wants me to watch him with her. When I brought up the idea of swinging with another couple he insisted that we start out with just a "third" party then maybe go from there...so I suggested that after a mff maybe try a mmf...he changed his tune quickly saying he wouldn't want another man touching me. It has been suggested to me that my husband just wants a mff because HE wants someone else and this is a way for him to do so without "cheating".

 

What do you all think? Does he just want his cake and eat it too? or do some men feel this way at first?

 

I guess my problem is - I'm not bi - maybe a little curious - and I am willing to do this for him... shouldn't I expect the same from him? I don't think I'm asking to much and I think he is being rather selfish. I think I just answered my own question by writing it out but still would love to hear the your opinion. Thanks.

[Alura 2,775]

We think swinging is all about Women's Liberation, among other things. We'll leave the suppression of women to those who think god ordains it. In other words, "What's good for the goose is good for the gander."

 

He definitely wants to "have his cake and eat it, too." Fortunately, everyone in swinging lives with satisfying that wish as often as they like.

 

Your best bet would be if y'all could agree on seeking out a couple who will help y'all experience swinging. All the possibilities are there: MFM, FMF, FM MF, and the marvelous FMFM.

 

In the meantime, you might lead your husband to this board. If y'all haven't done it already, the Swingers Stories on this site offer some widely varying experiences. Reading them together in bed is a lot of fun and opens up horizons.

 

from Oklahoma! Thanks for delurking. We're glad to have you active and hope to read a lot of your opinions. Shall we call you SexyCpl?

 

Mr. Alura

[sweetwilliam 15]

Sounds like he is only thinking about himself? You both need to talk about what you want before jumping and why? The best thing is to be honest with each other.

 

Both of us are fairly new to this and we started out with a MFF which opened her up to more. The main thing is that we started talking more about wants, needs and etc. That was something we were lacking in our relationship. Now we are very open and it helps a lot. If you can't talk about it there will be problems done the road, especially if jealousy will be a problem?

 

Enjoy and welcome to the site!

 

Sweetwilliam

[MoonLightKiss 28]

Ok-not exactly sure how to start but my husband and I have been married for 18 years and just looking to add some excitement to our sex life. We have talked about possible 3somes (he has done most of the talking) I was a definite NO at first, then I found this site and have been reading the threads and stories for some time now. I must say that I am very curious and possibly interested in this lifestyle. Here's my problem...we have been talking again...he wants a mff 3some because (he said) he wants to watch me and another woman and he wants me to watch him with her. When I brought up the idea of swinging with another couple he insisted that we start out with just a "third" party then maybe go from there...so I suggested that after a mff maybe try a mmf...he changed his tune quickly saying he wouldn't want another man touching me. It has been suggested to me that my husband just wants a mff because HE wants someone else and this is a way for him to do so without "cheating". What do you all think? Does he just want his cake and eat it too? or do some men feel this way at first? I guess my problem is - I'm not bi - maybe a little curious - and I am willing to do this for him... shouldn't I expect the same from him? I don't think I'm asking to much and I think he is being rather selfish. I think I just answered my own question by writing it out but still would love to hear the your opinion Thanks

 

Like Alura said, whats good for the goose is good for the gander. What concerns me is what is in bold above. He wants, he wants, he wants, and then an I am willing to for HIM. If you are bi curious and YOU want to try it, then by all means go for it. If you really do not want to do it, then don't, not even for him. There are times even I do things for my husband, but I do them because I want to do them for him. Make sure you really want it before diving in, otherwise there could be some resentment later on, with you feeling you did this for him and didnt really want to. I cannot tell you what your husband is thinking because I do not know him. But from your post it does sound a bit like he wants two women but is not willing to let you have two men. It is selfish in a way.

 

The good news is, its workable. Explain to him that you feel he is being very selfish in his request that you not get two men. Ask him why he feels this way. Is it jealousy, fear, or what? He may never come around to the idea of a MFM, but at least you will have the real reason why. And its possible that talking about the real reason will bring it to where he is okay with it. Simply talk about the possibilities and do what you are both comfortable with and what you both will enjoy. Swinging is a couples sport. If one isn't having fun, then neither will be happy in it long.

 

Welcome to the board, and all my best

MLK

[ohash01 20]

If you are bi curious and YOU want to try it, then by all means go for it. If you really do not want to do it, then don't, not even for him.

 

Obviously, you can have a FMF with little or no interaction between the 2 F's...both just pay attention to the male...but I think that's kind of selfish of HIM to say that he wants 2 women just paying attention to him, but you can't have 2 males just paying attention to you. I also think that if YOU are really interested...you should say "ok...let's discuss the reasons why" and then you don't move forward until you can both agree on a scenario and what kind of person you are looking for. This is something you will do together and will have to agree on, whether or not it ends up being a good experience, it's up to both of you to set it up. If you don't set it up together, it will be a bad experience before it even starts.

[iapr 24]

I agree with everything else the other posters have said. You definately need to stay here at the drawing board so to speak and to do a lot more discussion before actually doing anything.

 

You are to be commended by the way for doing "research" here before venturing out into the swinging world in the flesh. Keep reading as much as you can here and at any other forums you may have access to so you can make as informed a decision as possible.

 

I do see a couple issues here. As has been pointed out by the other posters it appears your husband has a bit of an agenda and isn't open to any other ideas or interested in exploring what you may want out of the lifesyle. This is a BIG red flag!

 

I am going to be outright sexist here and state it really should be the other way around. It should be him bending over backwards to help you explore your sexuality and should be doing all he can to make you comfortable with the idea of swinging.

 

the reason I say that is because in general men are comfortable with the idea of recreational sex and women aren't. In order for a couple to flourish in the lifestyle the woman's needs for comfort and safety have to be addressed first before they can achieve any type of healthy lifestyle experiences. I know that is sexist and one sided but that is how I see it and this situation is far from that.

 

If he doesn't even want to discuss a variety of different possible swinging scenarios because he doesn't want another man to touch you is a big indicator that there may be some serious jealousy issues down the road.

 

All males that breathe and have a pulse are interested in a FMF type situation that is not alarming. What is concerning is that that seems to be the only thing he is willing to pursue. Another concern is that you haven't said if you are interested in being with another woman while he watches or if you are interested in watching him with another. Is that something you desire or is it just something that he is interested in?

 

If he not even willing to discuss what some of the things you are interested in that is a red flag that could spell disaster down the road somewhere. At this point I also would be concerned that he is just wanting to have his cake and eat it too at your expense. If you are not at extreme bare minimum a full equal in the decision making process and your needs and preferences are not given full consideration I would not take one more step towards pursueing anything in the flesh.

 

Even if he agrees at this point to consider a MFM or couples activities I would pursue those first to see how he handles that before pursuing any kind of FMF. It's kind of along the lines of making young children eat their brussel sprouts and liver before eating a cookie. If they have the cookie first their appetite is taken care of and the brussel sprouts and liver never seem to get eaten.

[sexycpl4u2006 15]

Thanks so much for all the replies. My husband brought up the subject again last night. I asked him what the problem was with bringing another man in..his answer was... it's different..men "leave" things behind. I said not if a condom is used (which would be a must for me) He said it's still different. A woman's body is like beautiful art and that there is nothing beautiful about a mans body. I told him that yes woman are beautiful, but from a woman's view, men can be beautiful too. I don't know if he is worried that I will like it with someone more than him (my husband is my first and only) or if he is truely just thinking about his pleasure instead of ours. Honestly, I think this whole threesome idea is just about him and not us by the way he talks. I could be wrong, but I don't really know...I think I might try to get him to read some of the forums and stories with me and more importantly, get him to talk to me some more before we jump into anything. I want to make sure we are thinking about this for the right reasons and not selfish ones.

[NakedInSeattle 159]

If he ain't interested in (hot about) seeing you with another man, he ain't really interested in swinging - just getting his jollies with other gals. And by the way, jealousy is a form of insecurity. My $.02.

[JTcamp05 9]

He may see it in a new light once you have some experience, but your hubby has some serious control issues to address before you two get into anything.

 

Its so much easier if you not try and script it out and go with the flow....know what your comfortable with as an indivual and as a couple. They might not always match but you can find a happy medium i am sure.

 

 

I personally think you would be better off with a slow stable couple. Generaly speeking less jeleousy issues come up when its another couple then a single. Let the couple know where you are at in your adventure and take it slow. It sure sounds like your husband could benefit from all the "studying" you have done on the topic.

[gatorvol64 216]

I suggest you get him to read some of the information and posts here. Does he ever say anything about YOUR pleasure? If he is unwilling to explore it the other way, he appears to be only interested in HIS pleasure. We started with MFM threesomes because my primary goal was Vol's pleasure, as I receive huge pleasure myself from her's, not counting what she gives me. This opened other doors to where Vol wanted to share and experience things from my side. This has caused our relationship to go beyond anything I could have expected. I used to be a very jealous husband. Once I started trusting Vol, it improved our marriage and paved the road for swinging years later. Swinging involves trust from both parties. This has to come first. There has to be a more concrete reason behind his feelings. You both are going to have to get this settled before you can ever get ready for swinging. Talking about these things is essential to the lifestyle.

 

Gator

[iapr 24]

I don't know if he is worried that I will like it with someone more than him (my husband is my first and only) or if he is truely just thinking about his pleasure instead of ours. Honestly, I think this whole threesome idea is just about him and not us by the way he talks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Huge brilliant burning red flag here! If swinging isn't about "us" and not one individuals jollys it will always crash and burn. He is being downright selfish if he isn't looking at it from an "us" position. Untill you get a lot things worked out just don't even consider going there.

[LFM2 1,482]

Here's my problem...we have been talking again...he wants a mff 3some because (he said) he wants to watch me and another woman and he wants me to watch him with her. When I brought up the idea of swinging with another couple he insisted that we start out with just a "third" party then maybe go from there...so I suggested that after a mff maybe try a mmf...he changed his tune quickly saying he wouldn't want another man touching me. It has been suggested to me that my husband just wants a mff because HE wants someone else and this is a way for him to do so without "cheating". What do you all think? Does he just want his cake and eat it too? or do some men feel this way at first?

I guess my problem is - I'm not bi - maybe a little curious - and I am willing to do this for him... shouldn't I expect the same from him? I don't think I'm asking to much and I think he is being rather selfish. I think I just answered my own question by writing it out but still would love to hear the your opinion Thanks

 

Whoa!! When I read this, I seriously had to read where you were from because this sounds exactly like the situation of one of my best friends. Her and her boyfriend were looking for another female because that's her fantasy. She wanted to find out what it would be like to be with another woman. When she told him of this fantasy, it was all well and great. I told her that they had to set some ground rules. (i.e. Is he going to penetrate this third person? Is he going to kiss her? How involved will he be?) Well, he's gotten so far into her fantasy that he's totally ignoring my friend while talking with this third female party. She's not so sure about it now. I will tell you the same thing I told her. Don't do this for him, do this for YOU! You will most likely end up with your feelers hurt. It's not unusual for a husband want to see his wife with another woman along with him. Do you want to watch him with her, or is this HIS fantasy?

 

He also wigged out when she brought up the idea of a MFM. He literally freaked! This right here told me that he was sooooo immature and sooooo selfish to want the FMF so bad that he didn't care about her feelings, and he wasn't willing to see her happy.

 

Frankly, I told my friend to NOT do it. I felt all her boyfriend was after was a quick lay while she was wanting to experiment. They definitely are NOT on the same page.

[sexycpl4u2006 15]

Thank you all once again for your input. I think for now I am going to leave my husband's fantasy at that. Some of you brought up a great point to me - do I really want to be with a woman (since this is what he wants). Personally, it is not something that I am seeking out. I am not totally opposed to some f/f interaction but givin a choice I would take a man! I think this is why I suggested a couple (with a bi-female) to my husband instead of just another woman. I also suggested starting out with soft swapping to see how we would both feel seeing our spouse with someone else. He still feels strongly against bringing another man into the picture. We definitely need to talk alot more! I need to find out exactly why he feels this way - whether we have an underlining problem that I don't know about - or if he has some jealousy issues to work through. Anyway..until he is ready to let the experimenting go both ways and for BOTH of our pleasures and not just his own, I told him talk was fine..but it goes no further.

[titanicmale 15]

You are wise not to even attempt the FFM to please your husband at this time. The red flag I see, even in the FFM, is whether he would be angry with you if you had too much fun with the other woman. I don't think he would react well to seeing you pleasured by another person, female or male.

[telly2 15]

I have to commend you for your actions here, i dealt with this same issue for a while it was FFM's for a long time, but when we got back into the lifestyle i demanded couples. I do like light play with other women but much prefer men, thus if he wanted, i was getting mine as well. So now we are seeking other couples only, and that is that.

 

I did find out that it is more a image complex that leads most men to only wanting other females, the performance anxiety isn't there when they don't feel like they are competing with somone else.

Chantal

[VanHlebar 187]

Everyone here has already given great advice, but I wanted to share a quick story. When MrsVan and I first thought about and actually got into the Lifestyle, it was to satisfy her fantasy of a MFM 3some. When we first talked about it I was all for it and that lead us to talking about 4somes. I asked if she would be intrested in 4somes and she said absolutely no way, she didn't think she could handle seeing me with another woman. At the time I was still ok with this. I said we could still move along and that for now I was ok with it, but eventually I might want to either call it quits or play with couples, but that we would take it slow and figure it out as we went along.

 

Then I found this board and I signed her up with an account and said please read all you can. It wasn't very long before she realized what everyone else said here. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. She realized all on her own that if I was capable of sharing her with another man then there was no reason that she couldn't share me with other woman. There were alot of insecurity issues that we had to talk about at the beginning and work through, but in the end we did it and thing have been great!

 

I would recommend that if your husband really wants to get into the lifestyle and you have any interest at all (not just for him, but for you) then I would almost make reading this board a requirement. Tell him how you feel and that you feel you are not sure if you really want to be with another lady. Hell, MrsVan wasn't really sure she wanted to when we first got started in the Lifestyle either. Let him know that you might be open to the idea of the Lifestyle, but that you feel that the two of you have alot of talking and research to do before you are ready to dive in.

 

Nope that helps and hopefully we will see you two both around the boards again!

 

-Van

[crazyfics 16]

Hi there. The real question is "Do you really want to swing?" If you are doing it for him DON'T. If you curious and want to experiment then keep discussing it. He may not want another man there because he is homophobic. Maybe he is not secure with his sexuality and does not want to be put in a position were he could touch another male. Does he have a problem hugging another man. First sign. He may not even know if he is. Try watching different porn activities and discuss them afterwards. If you want to include another male and he still does not because of jealousy or what ever, then set your limits-Maybe you guys would just be interested in just soft swapping. Nina Hartley has som excellant videos about swinging which my husband showed me some time ago before we even seriously considered taking the plunge. Good luck and remember your incharge of this. If he wants his fantasy, then you get yours too. If not don't do it, you'll only be heading down a path you'll both regret.

[jack smith 15]

we have been there but she did have sex after that it was ok with me

[sexycpl4u2006 15]

Wow! I am soooo glad that I found this website and that I decided to post my question. All of you have gave me so much to think about. To answer a question that some of you have asked, yes I am curious about the lifestyle and maybe interested in experimenting. I wasn't at first when he brought up the 3sum idea, but after being on this board for the last month and a half my own curiousity has grown. I just want to make sure that we are BOTH interested for the same reason - US. Crazyfics brought up something that I never considered "He may not want another man there because he is homophobic." This could be true...I have never really thought about it. Other than our two boys, I don't think I have ever seen him put his arm around another man or hug one. Even when we visit my parents (we're a hugging kind of family) and my dad gives him a hug - he doesn't hug back. So Crazyfics may be on to something. If this is not his problem, well then we'll just have to keep talking and reading. I am going to try to get him to check out this website this weekend and maybe this will help us figure out what, if anything we want to do from here. Thanks again for all the wonderful advice.

[M and H 15]

A little red flag popped up here ... if you ask him if his problem with including a man is because he's homophobic, he may jump on that as a way to get you to agee to not include a man without having to admit it's not the real issue.

 

You've said he "wouldn't want another man touching [you]" and that he said he wouldn't want a man touching you because "men "leave" things behind" and because "A woman's body is like beautiful art and there is nothing beautiful about a mans body." (but he expects you to like HIS body, right??).

 

To me, even if he IS homophobic, from the excuses you've told us he's used, his reasons for not including a man have very little to do with homophobia and everything to do with jealousy and control.

 

M

[swing52001 15]

What a great thread!

Sounds to me like your hubby has a couple of issues that he needs to deal with before going too much further. Trouble is, now that he has piqued your interest, you are stuck with his rules. That doesn't work for me. I hope he sees that it's only worth it if both of you enjoy all the benefits. The down-side is that if he won't see it anyway but his, you are again stuck with less than what you should have. Personally, I feel that I would get a real charge knowing that my Mrs. was having the time of her life. Isn't that what love's all about?

[SCcpl40 74]

We meet several married men online trying to find out how to get their wife or their girlfriend in the lifestyle, but it's for fmf or mff. Big shocker. To us, the lifesytle should be a mutual interest and a mutual fulfillment. If it's one sided, it's going to be short lived.

[Pepper & Drew 384]

I agree with everyone's assessment of the situation and advice, but also consider that it's far more difficult to find a single woman whose interested in swinging than it is to find another couple or single male. Single bi-fems in the lifestyle aren't called unicorns for nothing.

 

Good luck!

 

Pepper