How open about swinging are you?

[Mr. Truelove 81]

How open are you about your swinging? Have you told friends outside the lifestyle, family, work, open to everyone?

[flkeyscouple 21]

This is one of my greatest fears - being outed. We have not told anyone - no friends, no family. Luckily we live across the country from our family, but unluckily (not really) we now have many vanilla friends where we live!

 

I have gotten less paranoid about being outed, but it's still a huge fear. Having no one know about our lifestyle is ok, however. Roger and I get to talk to each other about it, and we always have GREAT conversations!!

[rpu3 630]

This one is hard to answer.

 

Both of us have "anonymous" blog pages, which are open to other members registered in this particular online community. So, we are open, in a way, to the public.

 

We have disclosed our alternative activities to very few friends. We have disclosed this to two couples, and one of Mark's single friends. If they have questions or comments, they go through our blogs/profiles on the online community - we only occasionally talk about it in public with them.

 

No member of our family knows. The only one that I think would be cool about it would be my dad. However, if some of the others found out, we really wouldn't care (we aren't particularly close to our families).

 

My sister once asked, after we returned from a trip to Desire, if we had done this, and I could honestly answer "no", because we haven't "swung" (is that a word?) at Desire. She then asked if we ever had, in the most disgusted, judgmental voice, so I did lie (and it takes a lot for me to generate a lie - I just don't do it). But, she's the one person that if she found out and she held it against me, or thought poorly of me, this would devastate me. I don't know why and I get upset even thinking about it.

 

If asked directly, I'd consider being honest, unless it is a work-related person. I have two close friends at work, and we have a lot in common and both have their own form of "alternative", but I don't want to go there, even though I know they'd be fine with it. They know we do the nude thing, they know that we go to Desire, but I'm not going to disclose the swinging thing directly, any more than either one of them will disclose their sexual orientation. Kind of a don't ask, don't tell for all three of us.

 

There's my long-winded answer to your rather simple question.

[Spoomonkey 421]

Good question!

 

We have told a few friends and a family member. Mrs Spoo's mom knows - and she thinks its a riot. She actually takes Mrs Spoo "slut" shopping for club wear. It is interesting because she actually is a bit envious of us - mostly because of the marriage we have, but also because of how adventurous we are.

 

Right after we told her, she asked us to take her to a club... And the answer was, "no." I mean - ick. I love my Mother-In-Law nearly as much as my own mom, but that is one position I am not going to put myself in. Besides - I've seen some of the slugs that slime their way around the club - and I'm afraid she'd get lucky and rail us with the details Needless to say, we told her that if she ever wants to go - there are some nice clubs over her way that she can visit on her own...

 

Friends? We've been surprised at how discrete our friends have been. I think it is all in who you tell. Some folks I wouldn't tell what I'd had for breakfast, others, I am not afraid to talk openly with.

 

My side of the family suspects, but I have shamed them all (Gossip? You guys aren't above that?) into dropping it.

[iapr 24]

Our take on it is matters of sex and romance and the like are personal and private regardless if you are a hard core lifestyler or the most uptight and traditional of vanilla. We have not told anyone outside of the LS and do not intend to ever do so. It is not an issue of shame at all but it is a matter of discretion and privacy that everyone swinger and vanilla alike should be afforded.

[rpu3 630]

Our take on it is matters of sex and romance and the like are personal and private regardless if you are a hard core lifestyler or the most uptight and traditional of vanilla. We have not told anyone outside of the LS and do not intend to ever do so. It is not an issue of shame at all but it is a matter of discretion and privacy that everyone swinger and vanilla alike should be afforded.

 

Just to clarify earlier comments because I somewhat read your comments as that perhaps our disclosure to a select few is a matter of violating our partner(s) privacy or choice of discretion.

 

It's not like we are telling these select few who we do or don't do - we only disclose that we personally are into alternative lifestyles. We have only disclosed that we do swing to a few - but not identities of those we swing with. The others' privacy and discretion remains intact.

 

Your mileage obviously varies, but did want to clarify that we violate no one's privacy by outing ourselves to those we choose.

[DGrey 28]

A few of our vanilla friends know. If people were to ever ask, we wouldn't lie to them about it.

[iapr 24]

Just to clarify earlier comments because I somewhat read your comments as that perhaps our disclosure to a select few is a matter of violating our partner(s) privacy or choice of discretion.

 

It's not like we are telling these select few who we do or don't do - we only disclose that we personally are into alternative lifestyles. We have only disclosed that we do swing to a few - but not identities of those we swing with. The others' privacy and discretion remains intact.

 

Your mileage obviously varies, but did want to clarify that we violate no one's privacy by outing ourselves to those we choose.

 

No worries at all, your post had no correlational whatsoever with mine.

[iapr 24]

A few of our vanilla friends know. If people were to ever ask, we wouldn't lie to them about it.

 

We have actually discussed the exact opposite of this and if we are ever directly asked about it by a traditional friend or family member just lying our butts off. We figure no matter how bad we get caught with our hands in the cookie jar if we just deny everything no matter what evidence we are confronted with people will fall in to two main categories. The first category would be the people that may be titillated by what we would have to say and once they realized they weren't going to get any juicy details or answers they would just let it go.

 

And the other category would be people that would have an actual problem with it in which case they would want to believe it was not true and would want to hear a denial in the first place.

 

Now I realize that neither group may believe us at all and would still think whatever it is that they are going to think but that would go back to my first post in that it is a private matter to begin with and none of their business.

[WesternSwing 504]

We've told some friends. In fact two of them come to parties and off-premise clubs with us although they don't participate. They like the open, sexy, safer atmosphere of a swingers party as opposed to going to a popular night club.

 

As far as family? Mrs. WS's dad knows. He's an ex-hippy and to him it's all good as long as we're happy. Her mom hasn't been present in her life since she was 15, so we aren't concerned about her. I think my dad knows since my ex-step-brother and his wife have an open relationship and have had poly relationships at times, even bringing their third to Holiday family gatherings. They know about us also. My mom passed away a few years back and we got into the lifestyle after that occurred. The rest of my family doesn't know.

[dayhiker 83]

Hi,

 

My wife and I don't swing. But I asked her if she was interested a couple years back. This really upset her. At the time I'd not studied what the Bible said about poly, sex and marriage that much. So I did my studying the way I always study a topic. To my surprise I came to believe that God didn't have a problem with swinging. So I told my wife that. Then I told the pastors at church. This bothered my wife even more. Even though I told her I'd never ask her to swing again.

 

Well, just last month she asked me to write a letter to our family where I was to tell them all this as she felt that people were blaming her for our problems. Well, personally I don't have any problem with her believing that God considers swinging a sin. Anyway I wrote the letter so now about anyone that wants to ask what's going on in my life knows.

 

I'd say I'm glad I've told people. I don't think I told people the right way every time. The pastors at the church think I'm a little crazy, but we have had some great Bible discussion.

 

As always this is a really simple version of what is going on in my life and my wife's life. But it has been interesting seeing that many people have been able to handle it in a way. As most of the people around us are Christians and know that I've studied the Bible and don't just make up ideas, they have a certain respect for my knowledge. However it is bothering the wife quite a bit that I've changed my theology.

[flirty 15]

I'm open for the most part, I choose friends that think more like me so that makes things a bit easier. My husband's co-workers and boss know nothing, but he would not lie if asked straight out. Small company and while it might make his boss look at him strange I highly doubt that it would cost him his job.

 

Most of my family knows that I am at least poly and some know the full story; the exception being my father and step-mother; my father hardly knows anything about my life (his choice) my step-mother tries to keep the connection open but she would never understand as she is a super prude. My mother told me I take after her lol. My oldest daughter knows everything and is one of my closest confidants and I hers. Her and her husband have also visited some clubs in CA. We might end up visiting the same club now that they have moved back east and made an agreement to let the other know because at this point we'd prefer not to show up on the same night. (mostly because she would be uncomfortable with my hubby there, she views him in a father role)

 

Hubby's family on the other hand know nothing about most of our private lives and we have worked hard to slowly come to that point. They have been very nosey about thier son's life and preachy when they felt he wasn't living exactly how they felt he should, even so far as chastitizing him for how we spend our money. They have pretty meuch learned not to ask me anything they aren't fully sure they want to know the true answer to, as I REFUSE to lie. WE don't want to hurt them, they will take his rejection of their teachings personally. At the same time we will not lie if asked directly, but we will not volunteer the information either. They know we had "friends" come visit us from out of state, and that we chat with them and talk to them on the phone.

[ohash01 20]

Like Mrs. Spoo's mom, mine is also a riot. She knows. I told her openly. She followed that up with a "yeah...(the guy she dated for a while)...is into 3somes." And that's where the conversation ended cause I didn't want to know anymore. My dad will never know if I can help it...I like the fact that he thinks I'm an angel. J.'s family will also never know. His sister is snooty-stay-at-home-mom-supreme. She would look down her nose at us for the rest of our lives and I think his mom would probably cry.

 

One of J.'s friends knows - mainly because we swing with him. He's very good at being discrete, as we kind of have to "sneak around" when we visit him, since all of J.'s friends are tighter than most families and randomly pop in on each other.

 

A couple of my CLOSEST friends know. The ones that I know for a fact will ONLY talk to me about it and not yap to other friends. I can't tell my best girl-friend. She's a good little Catholic girl and may pass out. I actually have one friend that I think is now considering swinging because of talking to me.

 

If someone straight-up asked me...I'd have to consider carefully who it was doing the asking to decide whether to be honest about it or not. Some of my friends I would trust with my life and all my secrets...and others are more superficial friends who are fun, but I wouldn't trust as far as I could throw.

[Miss_Piggy 98]

Oddly, in the beginning we were more open than we are now.

 

I think we were so excited and also a little confused that we wanted to talk to our close friends about what we were going through.

 

We didn't tell everyone we knew or anything - just close friends. However, some friends turned out to be less close than we had thought. Some gossiping picked up. Some friends decided to disappear based on that gossip... other friends, who offered their support, became closer. There were positives and negatives to the whole fiasco.

 

Now, we follow more of a "tell when asked directly" strategy. We're not at all ashamed, but we don't want to put ourselves at risk of more drama with our friends. Really, it's none of their business.

[BradAndJanet 70]

We've told two friends. Got one positive reaction and one negative. We don't tell anyone anymore, 'cause there's really no reason for us to.

[bear_and_babe 68]

On my side of the family, my one brother knows we are in the lifestyle, he is also. But I will never tell my other brother, he would not understand and really get on my case about it. My step-mom knows. She figured it out on her own. She even wants to come to the club with us. That would be too strange! And I never want my dad knowing. He still thinks I am a virgin. My best friend knows, and would really like to get into the lifestyle also, but she just lives it through me.

 

On Bears side of the family, his sister knows and she also wants to try our club, but her new husband is not ready for that. They had a lot of questions, and were supportive of our choice to be in the lifestyle. No one else in his family knows, and that is how it will stay. It would just cause me problems as they have never liked me from the start.

 

Bear did tell his best friend that we are in the lifestyle and he did not speak to us for a year. He asked a few questions, then just stopped listening to the answers. Instead of trusting us and listening to what we had to say, he just believed all the vanilla misconceptions about swinging. He said some very nasty things to us, so losing him as a friend was not all that hard. He has since tried to come back into our lives, but I am just not ready to forgive.

 

If a vanilla friend were to ask me if I was in the lifestyle, then I would not lie, but I don't feel the need to come out to everyone.

[Mr. Truelove 81]

Well so far the results are very interesting. I expected a lot more people to have told friends. As of this post 40% don't tell anyone vanilla at all about their swinging.

 

We already told two of our friends. One just flat out guessed and we didn't cover too well, we started laughing. Not a big deal, I knew he would be accepting, we just didn't want to make him feel awkward around us. I think he is comfortable with it, just isn't comfortable talking about it. So I still don't say too much. Only time will tell.

[JacobSky 17]

My family knows. Only my brothers know that I'm still interested and involved here.

 

On one hand, it aleviates a shame of holding a secret, but on the other hand, they have been against my choice.

 

I practically got chewed out the other night by one of my brothers. He swears that I will never find a good wife, or "true love" by being in this lifestyle and looking at porn. My mom and dad are conservative protestant Christians, and so "were" my brothers and I. They have not been living religiously, but still have our initial beliefs. They don't claim to be perfect though. So my brother told me that he doesn't care about this regarding my "religious beliefs", but that I'm going to die young, or grow old all alone.

 

I was quite shook up by it this. I started to write a thread about my situation, but I canceled it. I like being open, but I do wish that my family didn't know, or even better if I'm "wishing", I wish that they'd support me.

 

I don't tell my new vanilla friends, but I did in college. Most of my lifelong friends from my home state know that I have been into swinging. Some of them think that I quit, I guess, or some of them just don't care (I don't see them often anymore). The closest friends like me just the same, but the "not so close" friends that heard about it through a girl that I dated, do judge me a bit. I have felt some shame at times. I still deal with this once in a while, but it is mixed in with religious issues, and my desire for a LTR with a woman that is very open-minded.

 

Telling others can help and hurt you, but I'd still tell those that I trust if I had to do it all again.

[Jamie&Kieth 36]

Well, our two oldest children know, they caught us (spied on us, separate occasions) and when they asked us about it we told them the truth, they both are ok with this. Our children know we love each other and our swinging is for sex and we only do it amongst a very small group of friends.

 

My mom knows, think she is jealous, she to grew up in the 60's, went to Woodstock in '69 and has a fairly liberal attitude.

 

Finally, a close husband/wife know about our extra-curricular lifestyle and once in a while play 20 questions with us out of curiousity. Husband's parents have no clue, we have often thought we should tell them because of the 4 kids in his family we are the only one's not divorced. Still together over 20 years

[Tia Vampire 167]

I don't care who knows. I'm not ashamed at all. Only if I'm asked though, then I would say if we are or aren't. It would have to be an adult though, I don't share anything with children.

[willyoats 324]

The only time I really worried about it was when I still needed security clearance for my consulting business.

 

Now my kids know. They probably have known since they were in high school. I'm pretty sure they went through a box in our closet that had swinger literature and correspondence. Let that be a warning to all parents!

 

I'm pretty sure one of my kids and her husband are also swingers within a very tight circle of friends. We have discussed our swinging but they have not volunteered specific info about their activites.

 

Our best friends now are nudists but do not know of our history in swinging.

[havefuninsun 122]

We're just not interested in kissing and telling. One of my sisters would probably be very cool with it if she knew ... I've thought about telling my vanilla girlfriends (two of them), but I'm afraid they might lock me in a closet until I came back to my senses. Or maybe they wouldn't -- I guess because I'm so closed mouthed that I wouldn't want to answer a parade of questions.

 

Would I flat out lie if asked? I guess that depends on who asked ...

[rebelnangel 15]

About most everyone that knows us knows the truth, with the exception of our family. We try not to let them know anything...they are too prudish about things.

[cubnamy1995 124]

We have one set of friends who are sorta-vanilla (they have threesomes w/ single women, but nothing else). They know because she and the mrs. have played before. Otherwise, absolutely, positively NOBODY in the vanilla world knows, and we have no plans to change that.

 

It wouldn't matter if we were swingers or not, we still wouldn't tell our family anything about our sex life period. It's none of their business.

 

Now, admittedly, it sucks to not have vanilla friends you can you can gloat around, but really, I don't wanna be the guy that brags about all his "conquests" to everybody. While not all our play-partners are as secretive about their part in the lifestyle, we would still rather keep it discreet out of respect for others we meet in the lifestyle. We appreciate the discretion.

[shecansquirt99 15]

We considered telling our good vanilla friends who actually have fooled around with another friend of ours a few years ago. But so far, nobody knows. Sometimes though, I just about bust to tell the things that go on when the lights are dim, as well as the things that we would like to do.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

so far we have never been asked by anyone we couldn't be honest with.

 

we just hope someone we couldn't be honest with ever asks

[sweet_tna 680]

I've told one vanilla friend. We're very close and she pretty much knew "something was up" anyway. But we've no intentions of telling anyone else.

 

=)

[LFM2 1,482]

I've never told a soul. Yet, our oldest daughter found our profile on AFF. She's 26 and pretty wild herself. I really think she had a hard time with it at first -- imagining her parents messing around with another couple. After I sat down with her and threatened her life about telling her siblings and grandmother, I think she understood a little bit better.

[Vjklander 138]

I don't flaunt it, but I don't hide it either. I really don't care what anyone else thinks.

[MIbbwcpl 67]

We have told some of our friends, no negative reactions really. I don't mind people knowing, it actually helps put a positive light on swinging, I think. I actually had one friend completely shocked that we have an open relationship because he had never seen one work. All of the ones he'd been around turned out badly.

 

Mr.MIbbwcpl's sister and bf know too. I forget how it came about, but I told them last summer, with the explicit instructions not to tell their (SIL's and hubbys) mother. I don't think she'd respond well. She's clearly anti-alternative lifestyle. She dumped a guy because he liked to cross dress; has chastised me for telling our kids that love is love, doesn't matter if its a boy or a girl that you love (thats encouraging homosexuality, doncha know?); and is against interracial relationships. I don't think she'd be thrilled with us having an open relationship.

[Hot Raleigh Cpl 164]

The first 10 years I was swinging -- 70s and early 80s -- I didn't hide it from most friends. At the time, though, most of my friends were pretty open-minded, even though most weren't the sexual explorers I was.

 

I became MUCH more discrete after an incident in 1987. One morning, a woman I worked with seemed upset about something. I asked her what. She told me she'd seen something on TV about these people -- these perverts, they called themselves swingers -- they were married but they HAD SEX with other people, she just couldn't believe something like that was real.

 

I responded matter-of-factly, that's not so unusual, I know lots of swingers, they come from all walks of life and chances are some of the folks she knows are swingers, but she just isn't aware of it. I stopped in mid-sentence when I saw her. Her jaw dropped, the blood drained from her face, I thought she was gonna faint. She was SHOCKED that I knew anyone like that. Naturally, I didn't tell her that the way I knew all those swingers was that I'd been pretty active, too, for over a decade.

 

That's when it hit home that not everyone is open-minded enough to deal sensibly with that knowledge. I also wanted to be sensitive to them, and not shock people. Since then, I've told very few vanilla people about it.

 

After L and I got together, I told her about the incident. We seldom 'fess up about our wild side except to folks we know also play.

 

HOWEVER, when we win a SwingersBoard T shirt, L has already decided on some of the places she'll wear it ?

[JDApopka 54]

I don't think most of our friends would not understand. I know my race buddys wouldn't

[nicerrtxcple 13]

No not we are keeping it quite,we thought about telling my wifes best friend cause i would like to take her to bed.

[Malachista 170]

Oh I made some remarks with people I trust.... but always in a way that they can never be sure if I mean it for real or if I'm just my sarcastic joke self....

[Brian and Jo 344]

We are nudists as well as swingers and we are very open about our nudism. All our family know about it and so do most of our vanilla friends. It is hard to keep the fact that we are nudists secret when we have decorated the walls of our hot tub room with photographs of us taken at nudist resorts.

As for swinging we are a bit more discreet about that. We are quite sure that our children suspect that we are swingers but they have never raised the subject with us nor us with them. A few of our vanilla friends have asked us if nudists are also swingers and we have replied that some but by no means all most certainly are. We have also told them we have become very close friends with several nudist couples. There is no doubt in our minds that they were able to read between the lines and understood fully what we were saying.

Last week we had our neighbours over for dinner. They have joined us in our hot tub from time to time and are now comfortable to go into the tub with us in the nude. During the evening they mentionned that they had been watching Swingtown. We said that we were watching it too and then came right out and told them we had been swinging for many years. That set the scene for a very interesting conversation over the rest of the evening!

[Red Lady 17]

I keep things very, very quiet as I could lose my job if people thought I was a "loose woman." The double standard is still alive and well in some areas of human behavior, at least in the USA.

[spamcatcher 36]

Depending upon who discovered it, I would either freak or not mind at all. It's not something we'd want our children to know. But some of our vanilla friends? Yeah -- they'd never believe it!

[dxbcpl84 15]

my (MR) best friend knows about us as i revealed over him and we seduce him to be with us as MMF. ( as one of our fantasy )

[GoldCoCouple 4,068]

I joke about most things with friends and co-workers so I can make comments about how we are having friends over this weekend to jump naked in the hot tub and have an orgy with and they just laugh it off. So I 'tell' people, they just don't believe what I'm saying. I haven't ever actually TOLD anyone else outside of those who are invited to the orgy...

[Alura 2,775]

Well, I've written and published a book about swinging, offering copies to both of my grown sons. It's been announced on my Facebook page. I guess I'm pretty open.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

I used Facebook to "check in" while at the Caliente Resort. So we'll see who figures that out. Probably nobody.

 

The one prospective future son-on-law figured it out. Don't know yet if he has said anything to our daughter. We told him it would be his decision as to whether or not to tell. One thing for sure. When daughter knows, everybody will know.

 

JoAnn's best friend and her husband were told. Best friend's husband has not stopped pestering me for more information. "Forget it," I tell him. I know his wife would never let him loose on something like this.

[ZoDee 81]

This one is hard to answer.

 

Both of us have "anonymous" blog pages, which are open to other members registered in this particular online community. So, we are open, in a way, to the public.

 

 

That's interesting.

 

We have profiles on a few Adult Amateur photo & video site. All completely anonymous in terms of out privacy.

No face identifying pics & not an exact geographic location.

 

I actually find it interesting discussing the topic there, particularly in their chat rooms.

Very interesting to know the thoughts of other people on the topic of swinging, particularly given the mix of people you find on other site.

 

Able to have these discussions without "Outing" ourselves & get some insight on others opinions.

 

One general trend I see is many would like to but consider that their other half wouldn't have a bar of it.

[Heing&Sheing 75]

I marked no one knows on the survey then remembered that my brother may know. When we signed up on SLS, there was my brother & his wife! I didn't say anything to him, but about a week later their profile was gone. We have never spoken of it. My children do not know & hopefully wont ever. I think my daughter would be more accepting of it than our son, but what we do in oyr sex life is nine of their business. None of the rest of my family knows or hubby's family either. They are all super conservative & would be judgemental of us. We live in a community where about 75% are related to my husband. And besides, our sex lives are none of anyone's business!

As for friends, out first 3 some was with a vanilla friend, who is still my FWB. None of my other vanilla friends know & I would not feel comfortable with them knowing. If directly asked by friends or family, it would depend on who's doing the asking as to whether we would lie or tell them.

[MrDiscover 802]

Only our oldest kids (17yo) and my parents knew.

[wildones8474 21]

Online and at clubs and bars away from home were fairly open. In our hometown were pretty low key. With hubby's works, neighbors, and family we don't think it's a suitable topic. The wrong people get the wrong idea and it just problems

[oc1234 435]

We are not that active these days and while we don't go out and broadcast that we are swingers, I'm sure a number friends and friends of friends know. Our good friend Bill and his ex introduced us to swinging years ago. At that time they were also playing with a number of other people my wife and I know. I am sure they mentioned our names to others they were playing with. In addition we have taken videos of us playing with Bill and with his ex. We have also told Bill he can show the videos to his friends since he is not going to show them to anyone who would be shocked by them.

[Sophy 571]

Our families don't know, and we will never share with them our private social conduct.

During Vanilla Parties we have perhaps "over-commented" or perhaps accidentally revealed a couple of things, so most likely some co-workers and friends suspect that we are a very open couple and that something is going on...

People who know for sure are our neighbors, they have witnessed in more than one occasion our behavior like:

Arriving home with another couple and walking to the front door almost undressed while I was being touched and kissed in front of my husband.

we are not particularly loud but I can't tell for sure they haven't heard us.

[GuyInMD79 1,500]

We have exactly two vanilla people who know about our lifestyle- a friend of mine, and a friend of my wife's. No one in our families know anything. That said, we do not make attempts to be too cloak-and-dagger about it in town. We go to dinner with lifestyle friends at restaurants near us (we like those restaurants!), and we invite swinger friends to our house, where we do not make particularly a lot of effort to be quiet!

 

It can be frustrating, because this lifestyle is such a big ol' boatload of fun! Sometimes I feel like I'd like to share that with more people, sing it from the rooftops! But we are able to be discreet.