First time last night, now husband is angry and won't talk

[Guest Bx_mistress]

My husband I have been married for 2 years on December 21st and have been together mostly exclusively for the past 6. Yes quite a hard thing to do since we met in HS when I was 15. We are still very young. Im 22 and he is 23. We have both had seperate sexual encounters through our relationship during roughtimes of seperation. We have been very interested in getting involved in the swinging lifestyle. Which we put off because of problems in our relationship. We have been going to counseling and are on a steady 3 steps fowards three steps back routine. But we are getting somewhere.

 

Most people would say this is the exact wrong time to do this. But the opportunity arose last night and we all acted on it. It was amazing although crazy because it was a co-worker of his that I know he has been very friendly with.

 

But this morning he was in such a bad mood. Im wondering if he has some crazy thoughts going on? I need advice on how to communicate with him. What questions can I ask without seeming like I am interrogating him.

 

I was very comfortable with the whole situation. He never penetrated her so it was mostly an all out oral sex kinda night. The only thing I wasn't comfortable with was havign her sleep in our bed. But that will be a part of our discussion. Since we never got to really talk and set down the rules. I would really liek to continue doing this.

[Chicup 42]

Most people would say this is the exact wrong time to do this.

 

Most people would be right too.

 

Very young + unstable relationship + swinging = bad mojo

[Guest Bx_mistress]

Most people would say this is the exact wrong time to do this.

 

Most people would be right too.

 

Very young + unstable relationship + swinging = bad mojo

 

I would have to say that is very true. Which is why im trying to open up our communication skills especially after this. We both know we want to stay together we have worked on our relationship from the start. Our current issues are mostly about money and raising our children. We already have on 1yr old and a second on the way due in april. Im also currently a stay at home mom married to a soldier who got home from a deployment to Iraq 8 months ago.

[havefuninsun 122]

The best advice I know to give is to just be honest with your feelings and tell him everything you think/feel. Hopefully, the more you open up, the more he will, too.

 

I think a lot of posters will agree that if you can't TALK about EVERYTHING with your partner, swinging shouldn't happen. If you're at the point in your relationship that you can talk openly about anything/everything, you're on the right track.

 

I understand other stresses in the relationship, believe me. Been there, done that. And those stresses can cause a lot of conflict in a relationship. And it sounds like maybe you're having trouble communicating about these other stresses. So the key is to learn to communicate openly about everything. TALK about the money thing; talk about what is scary about having another baby, talk about your fears with his career.

 

Once you can communicate openly and honestly with your husband about any issue, anything is possible. Until then, focus on what is important in your relationship, and the other will come along too.

 

Good luck -- you guys have a lot on your plate. Don't sweat the petty things (and don't pet the sweaty things) and it will all come together.

[MoonLightKiss 28]

Most people would say this is the exact wrong time to do this.

 

Most people would be right too.

 

Very young + unstable relationship + swinging = bad mojo

 

 

I am with Chicup on this one. Your relationship sounds unstable at best. On the verge of breakup at worst. I doubt now is the time to introduce other people into your relationship. Couples who swing and do so successfully with no drama are those that are stable, loving, secure, and trusting. They also have a level of communication that skyrockets past what most of us grew up seeing from our own parents and role models. I think the best thing for you two is to continue counseling, put swinging on hold, and get your relationship on the right track before approaching. Most swingers would avoid couples who have some other issues to deal with. I know I would.

[flkeyscouple 21]

I'll agree with the others - this was a bad time to start swinging. That being said, it's happened so now you need to deal with it.

 

One way to open the discussion without the interrogation is to tell him just what you told us. Or better yet, ask him to read this thread. That will show him that you simply want to talk about it. And that you are worried about his thoughts/needs.

 

I'm sure your therapist has given you ideas on how to better communicate. Keep that up - communication is the key. Tell him you love him.. tell him that your relationship is the most important.

 

You'll have a lot to talk about - including the ideas/suggestions you get on this thread.

 

Good luck.

 

Sarah

[Guest Bx_mistress]

Thank you all soo much all of your insights have helped me think this through today. My husband and I will most definitly be having a talk about it tonight. After he gets home and settles down. I just gave him a call at work and let him know to tell me when a good time would be for him. Allot of those stresses are definitly true for us and we have been working on our communication which is the main reason we never started the swinging lifestyle. We communicate very well on a sexual level. But when it comes to the perils of his job he is a closed book but I believe is he wants to help protect me and the pregnancy. At the moment I am going to ask him if we could put the swinging on the back burner for a little while until we both feel completely at ease with the situation.

[flkeyscouple 21]

By the way, Bx_Mistress...

to the board! Nice to have you here!

 

Sarah

[Guest Bx_mistress]

Thank you!!!

[intuition897 2,179]

Hi Bx, welcome to the board!

 

I'm just reading through and I'd like to add to Chicup's post:

 

Very young + unstable relationship + swinging [+ a military lifestyle] = bad mojo

 

A friend of mine is a military wife. She said that she's the only one she knows at her playgroup that ISN'T on Prozac. I don't know personally, but through my friendship with her, I can say that military families have stresses and problems that many others never have to deal with. For example, not worrying so much about which day your husband will be home, but whether he'll be home at all? And all those weeks - or even months! - of separation leads to estrangement of sorts. You only need to deal with the squeeze-the-tube-in-the-middle/squeeze-from-the-end problem a fraction of the time. It's no wonder you grate on one another's nerves, when you haven't had enough time together to wear all the rough edges off each other. And the stress of coming home from a whole different world to a world of apple pie and kids playing on the monkey bars must be like stepping into the twilight zone. I can imagine how it must add to the sense of apartness when "you couldn't possibly understand" what he's going through, and "he couldn't possibly understand" what YOU'RE going through. It's a whole different culture from the 9-5'ers.

 

Swinging apparently has some of its roots in the air force. During WWII, pilots had among the highest mortality rate (something like 2 out of every 3 pilots died). They developed very strong bonds between one another and between their families. It was sort of a way of ensuring that their wives would be taken care of should anything happen to them. Is it true? I don't know. Sounds a bit more like polyamory than swinging anyway. But I just thought I'd throw that out there.

 

I can't say that swinging will or won't work for you; that's up to the two of you. I will say that it's probably going to require significantly more effort to keep your heads above water when you're starting with your boat 3/4 full. Clear, concise, honest communication is the only way that's going to happen. Say what you're really thinking, don't be afraid of the truth, don't get defensive, be kind, and expect respect and kindness in return. You're afraid he's going to think you're interrogating him? Tell him so! Focus on your true feelings: You love him and value your relationship above all else, and you don't want a lack of communication to get in the way of that...ever! You tell him, "I have some questions and fears that I'd like your help alleviating, but I'm afraid to talk to you because I don't want you to think I'm interrogating you." It's a bit like looking at a landslide that's blocking the road. Don't stumble over the rubble trying to move boulders; move the little rocks first so that you have good footing. THEN you can put your backs into moving the BIG problems. Make no mistake: you two are in for a lot of work, but the hurt you feel at the end of the day is a very good hurt because you've moved some serious shit out of your way.

[Mr. Truelove 81]

Most people would say this is the exact wrong time to do this.

 

Most people would be right too.

 

Very young + unstable relationship + swinging = bad mojo

 

So very true.

 

Mr. Truelove

[Nitati 28]

Hi Bx! We're young too... hubby and I are HS sweethearts (got together at 15, this past October was 10 yrs... married for 5 and a half now) and we have a 1 yr old and a 2 yr old. We're 25... and I have to say that while he was in the active duty military, there was NO freaking WAY we would've ever even considered this Lifestyle. It was just way too much. Being a SAHM/Military wife is one of the toughest jobs I've ever had... and we spent so much time & energy focused on our marriage, the pregnancies, deployments, finances, etc. that while the overall picture was good, our communication (and deep down, our relationship) SUCKED. Big time.

 

The hubby is no longer active duty, and things for us have gotten much better. I am so in love with this man! We are able to talk to each other about any and everything, and without any kinds of reservations or akward feelings. It is absolutely amazing how we've grown together as a couple. We've had time to adjust to his being home, having the two babies, and living a more civilian-type lifestyle. Active Duty was just way too much for us, and being so young didn't really do much to help.

 

Anyway, I said all that to say that I totally understand where you're coming from, and I really do think that you should make every effort to talk to your husband about how both of you are feeling and then, as others have said, put swinging aside for now until you've had time to grow and develop a stronger bond & relationship together. I thought I loved my husband before, but spending so much time apart truly did a number on us. At 25, we've gone through more than some of the 35 and 40 yr olds I know, all because of the type of lifestyle the military creates for you. Swinging is meant to enhance something that's already great. Work on your relationship first, and come back to swinging when the relationship is ready. It may take some time, but it will be well worth it in the end

 

Good luck & best wishes with whatever you guys decide to do!

 

~Mrs. Nita