Losing Lifestyle Friends & Don't Understand Why

[Guest MrsVan]

I am going to start off by apologizing for the long post but I need some advise or support I should say.

 

MrVan and I are really enjoying the lifestyle and the friends that we have made but we have seemed to run into some situations where for me has become hard to handle. Our first couple that we met was incredible and became really good friends both on the lifestyle and "vanilla" level. However, after several months they decided it was time for them to get out of the lifestyle for now because they had been in the lifestyle for many years and needed "their" time and that is understandable to me. But now we chat here and there on IM but nothing like it use to be.

 

So on with the search we continue...We have found other couples whom we have become really good friends with and enjoy being around them in all types of settings but they are further away from us so it makes it hard to just pick up the phone and say "hey, you guys want to go out tonight?".

 

So MrVan and I had recently come across a couple who was around our age, lived very close to us and had similar interests and we all got along really well. They were a soft swap couple where MrVan and I enjoy full swap. We had met up with them a few times and even called them last minute just to go hang out at the mall or get together at our house to hang out. They had talked with us and brought up several times that they had not met a couple that they could feel comfortable in doing a full swap with and it was something they were thinking of considering doing. So the other weekend, we had them over and went out to dinner. We played some pool, relaxed in the hot tub and as things got hot we then went to the bedroom to play. Things were going really well and MrVan had asked her if it was okay that he have sex with her and she said "yes" so after a while of them going at it, I asked the wife if it was okay that I had her husband and she said "yes". Things got rough for the wife as it was the first time she had watched the husband with someone else. Again completely understandable and therefore we all stopped and layed around, cuddled and just talked. We would never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable or feel any pressure from us so we called it quits. No problem.Things seemed to have been going really well while we laid around talking. They had planned on staying the night at our house and well, after we all went to bed we heard a knock on our bedroom door and it was the husband saying they were just going to head out. Things seemed to have went really well and I thought MrVan and I handled the situation well but now I am confused as to what happened. Since then we have not talked to them. I have sent her an email also tried to IM them and they do not respond. MrVan has talked with her briefly and the husband. But I do not understand what happened?

 

Granted we love the lifestyle for the sex and all the pleasures it has to offer. But why is it so disappointing and hurtful when a couple decides to split without saying why?

 

I do not have many friends at all. My first husband drove all my friends away that I had while married to him and now I struggle to find those that I can get along with and have similar interests. The friends that I have made that I enjoy hanging out with are farther away from me so it is hard to just call and go hang out when you need a friend to hang out with. But it seems that we begin to like a couple and become good friends and then they disappear. It has gotten to the point for me where it makes it hard for me to want to get close to a couple for the reasons that again I am afraid that I am going to get too close and enjoy our friendship and then one day they decide to disappear.

 

Am I asking too much out of the lifestyle to be looking for a woman that I could become friends with? MrVan knows that I long to have some girl friends to hang out with and the woman at work that I have become friends with are all different than me but I enjoy being around them.

 

So any advise or thoughts you can give me would be great! I do not want this to affect how I enjoy the lifestyle (if this makes sense) but it just gets to be disappointing when this happens lately.

 

Thanks for listening.

 

MrsVan

[good times 991]

I wish I could give you a good answer that would solve your problem, but I am sorry to say that I can't. What you have experienced seems to be pretty standard in the lifestyle in our experience. In 5 years and after meeting literally hundreds of swingers we only have actually become good friends with a few couples. Making friends of swingers seems different in most cases than making vanilla friends. It has also been our experience that when the sexual relationship changes so does the friendship. We have become friends with several couples that we were also playing with that for one reason or other we decided mutually not to play any more. Shortly after that, even though we all agreed we still wished to remain friends, the relationship changed to the point that we didn't really see much of each other any more. With our vanilla friends we can not see them for months and then when we get together it is like no time has passed at all and we interact as best buddies. Whereas, when the same thing happens with folks we have played with it always seems strained when we see each other again. Why that is I have no idea, but we have just come to accept that that is the way it is. I will be interested in seeing what others have experienced though.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

Number one, you are doing nothing wrong, MrsVan. Our experience is similar. We met a wonderful couple at first. Had it now been for them we would have given up on the whole idea. We have met many people since. These more-recent relationships work on all kinds of different levels. Sounds like you have the right outlook and expectation. When we open ourselves, we do become vulnerable. But there is no gain without pain. The rewards, those immediate and those long-term, make the effort worthwhile.

 

Michael

[iapr 24]

You are doing nothing wrong but I have the gut feeling from the tone of your story that you have a bit of a void that swinging will probably not be able to fill. I know people are going to jump down my throat and tell of all the wonderfull friends that they have found in the lifestyle but the truth remains that for many people swinging is about recreational sex. Nothing wrong with sex and nothing wrong with looking for long term traditional friends but the two really don't mix all that well.

 

You are doing nothing wrong but I would guess that the real void you are experiencing is for some true friendships and not necessarily sex partners. You may be better served by looking for friendships in traditional venues such as hobbies, interest groups, church groups etc etc. Continue swinging and enjoy it has to offer by all means but don't look to it as a serious gateway to some true friendships.

[lookingfornow 116]

Hello. We could really feel your pain in your posting so we decided to jump in with our two cents.

 

It sounds to us like you are looking for good, good friends-with-benefits. In our experience, that is a very, very hard role to find couples to fill.

 

In our view, here is why...

 

What you are searching for depends upon nearly perfect chemistry not just between two people, but between all four and in all four directions. That means that your hubby and the other wife need to be compatible, you have to be compatible with the other hubby, you have to hit it off with the other wife and your hubby has to hit it off with the other hubby. If the chemistry is not perfect, then one or another of the primary relationships is threatened. For example, if you hit is off with the other hubby but your hubby doesn't mesh equally well with the other wife, it is likely that both your hubby and the other wife will feel a little like they are on the outside looking in. In our experience, the wife will then feel as though her husband's relationship with you is a threat to her own relationship with her husband. She will then decide to pull her hubby away from you and end the relationship.

 

In short, any inbalance in the relationships tends to cause the group to disband.

 

Your search is made more difficult because there is a substantial number of people in the lifestyle that are not as interested in being very, very good friends with their swing partners. I guess we would fall into that category. I mean, we really like and enjoy everyone with whom we have played. But, we are not looking to take our bedroom relationship into the vanilla world. There are a couple of couples that we have become friendly with, but that friendship was not the objective of our getting together in the first place.

 

Also, some swingers that we have met are defintely avoiding the type of ongoing relationship that you appear to be seeking. This group of couples (and, I guess we would be among them) is looking for playmates first and really don't want any ongoing entanglements. One couple that we have recently met and intend to play with in the next few weeks put it very simply--the more you get to know some people, the more "warts" you tend to find. Candidly, we were a bit stunned by such a frank statement, but we both had to agree somewhat with the observation.

 

You guys are a great looking couple and your profile and pictures exude personality and a fun loving nature. You should have plenty of options for playing (for example--if you are ever up in Cleveland....). So, our suggestion would be to tune down the desire for immediate friendships and relationships and increase the focus on just plain sexual fun. We are not suggesting that you play with everyone all the time. But, maybe, if you set up a larger number of play dates with a variety of couples and take the emphasis off the immediate conversion into life long friends, you will have a better chance of finding what you seek.

 

We think, over time, you are bound to find that one or those two couples who have the same interests as you and with whom you will have the requisite balance of mutual physical and emotional interest.

[Spoomonkey 421]

Friendship is - by far - the most frustrating part of the lifestyle. When we got into this, we had Utopian ideas of just what the lifestyle would be about: a couple our two that we were close to, that we could hang out with and play with and just have the "normal" type of friendship that it seems everyone else enjoys...

 

It has simply not worked out that way.

 

It has been disheartening like you wouldn't believe! Our favorite people (couples and singles) all live a significant distance away - some even living far enough to require airfare. You'd think that as active a town as Columbus, Ohio is for the lifestyle - and as social and (typically) available as we are - friendships would happen... Especially after three and a half years.

 

There have been times when we have thought we'd found it right here in our backyard, but something always seems to happen. And - yeah - it starts to make you think that maybe you are socially defective (I still have that insecurity, if I were to be honest).

 

What we have learned is this:

 

1. People are busy. We don't have children in the house and should have all the time in the world. Still we find ourselves overwhelmed and wondering where the weeks went between e-mail and phone calls with friends. Couples with children and other time demands just amaze me that they can juggle it all to get out at all!

 

2. Couples are looking for different things and sex complicates the connection. Maybe you find a couple who you really connect with vertically, but yet, they are really into bi-sexual play for her. Suddenly what might be a great vanilla friendship is complicated by sex. Jealousy, desire, interests askew... It is so much tougher to put it all together with another lifestyle couple.

 

3. Lifestyle folks are not all looking for friendship. Some really do want to keep you at arm's length for whatever reason. It is what makes the lifestyle comfortable for them and it is just the way they are going to do it. Sex and friendship is uncomfortable and what they want is really just convenient fuck toys. Nothing wrong with that - but if you are looking for friendship - you have a good sized chunk of the community that just doesn't share your interest in that.

 

4. Friendship itself can complicate things in that some couples get weird when you don't want to be exclusive. This is a really weird thing that we have found. Everything else works - but the minute they find out that you might have looked at another couple... :rollseyes *shiver*...

 

It sounds like you guys stumbled over point #2.

 

Like you guys - we are still looking for that elusive couple that fits perfectly: sexually exciting, vertically enjoyable and within a stone's throw.

 

It sure is hard not to become jaded after a while

 

Spoomonkey

[nhouston 15]

MrsVan- we very seldom reply to post. However, we had a similar experience to what you described and my wife felt very similar. We finally decided that a lot of variables play into these relationships and we can not control most of them. It sounds like they are rethinking their involvement in the lifestyle not in the relationship with you guys. You just happen to be innocent bystanders. One thing we try to remember is that each relationship is equivalent to four people dating each other. It is much more complicated than two persons dating- it's four times that complicated. I do applaud how you two handled the situation. You sound like a great couple that cares about people. If we lived in Ohio we would love to meet you guys. Buts it's WAY too cold up there! )

[Mr. Truelove 81]

Our favorite people (couples and singles) all live a significant distance away - some even living far enough to require airfare.

 

After the meetup I can say the same. I suggest you all move to Indiana.

 

I know recently I have been looking with more of a solid purpose on the ad sites and it's pretty discouraging. Everytime I see a couple that looks compatable, they are 100+ miles away. And then I'll see one that lives close and their ad will be blank!

 

This seems like a common situation. It'll be interesting to hear more answers as this thread continues.

 

Mr. Truelove

[NCcuriouscpl 15]

There have been times when we have thought we'd found it right here in our backyard, but something always seems to happen. And - yeah - it starts to make you think that maybe you are socially defective (I still have that insecurity, if I were to be honest).

 

What we have learned is this:

 

1. People are busy. We don't have children in the house and should have all the time in the world. Still we find ourselves overwhelmed and wondering where the weeks went between e-mail and phone calls with friends. Couples with children and other time demands just amaze me that they can juggle it all to get out at all!

 

2. Couples are looking for different things and sex complicates the connection. Maybe you find a couple who you really connect with vertically, but yet, they are really into bi-sexual play for her. Suddenly what might be a great vanilla friendship is complicated by sex. Jealousy, desire, interests askew... It is so much tougher to put it all together with another lifestyle couple.

 

3. Lifestyle folks are not all looking for friendship. Some really do want to keep you at arm's length for whatever reason. It is what makes the lifestyle comfortable for them and it is just the way they are going to do it. Sex and friendship is uncomfortable and what they want is really just convenient fuck toys. Nothing wrong with that - but if you are looking for friendship - you have a good sized chunk of the community that just doesn't share your interest in that.

 

4. Friendship itself can complicate things in that some couples get weird when you don't want to be exclusive. This is a really weird thing that we have found. Everything else works - but the minute they find out that you might have looked at another couple... :rollseyes *shiver*...

 

It sounds like you guys stumbled over point #2.

 

Like you guys - we are still looking for that elusive couple that fits perfectly: sexually exciting, vertically enjoyable and within a stone's throw.

 

It sure is hard not to become jaded after a while

 

Spoomonkey

 

 

We certainly understand and AGREE! Although we've not been in the lifestyle as long (6 months), it seems when you've found the 'perfect' couple and chemistry seems to fit.....something happens to the relationship over time!

 

We HAVE found just ONE couple that we have a perfect friendship with, like your are looking for. We HAVE NOT EVER played with them however, and we joke that it may not be a good idea to 'mess up' the friendship. It's not a joking manner tho........and we all value what we have with our friends!

 

Good luck in your search, and try not to be discouraged....you will eventually find what you are looking for. 'Jaded'? Yes, we've been there more than once....! 'Socially defective'? Yep, been there too!

 

You are certainly not doing anything wrong, we all have similar problems.....I guess it's all part of the experiences of life............

 

I hope all have a great weekend!

[Guest MrsVan]

What you are searching for depends upon nearly perfect chemistry not just between two people, but between all four and in all four directions. That means that your hubby and the other wife need to be compatible, you have to be compatible with the other hubby, you have to hit it off with the other wife and your hubby has to hit it off with the other hubby. If the chemistry is not perfect, then one or another of the primary relationships is threatened. For example, if you hit is off with the other hubby but your hubby doesn't mesh equally well with the other wife, it is likely that both your hubby and the other wife will feel a little like they are on the outside looking in. In our experience, the wife will then feel as though her husband's relationship with you is a threat to her own relationship with her husband. She will then decide to pull her hubby away from you and end the relationship.

 

Lookingfornow,

 

Thanks for your post. I have to say that what made it so disappointing is that for all of the couples we have met over the last year (and we have been extremely blessed) we have found amazing people to hang out with. Not only in the aspect that we all have a good time together but we ALL connect. This couple that I am talking about, I got along really great with the wife and the husband and vice versa for MrVan. So it was not that any of us felt left out so to speak but we all truely got along really well.

 

It is that way for all of the couples we meet. I am not saying that all of them end this way as we have some that are really great friends and because they are so far away from us it makes it difficult to get together more. But maybe that distance helps us to remain such good friends and then be able to have the added benefits that go with it when we are together.

 

Also, some swingers that we have met are defintely avoiding the type of ongoing relationship that you appear to be seeking. This group of couples (and, I guess we would be among them) is looking for playmates first and really don't want any ongoing entanglements.

 

We have heard this before many times on the board and completely understand that. But the couples we have met up with talked about having that same type of frienship and I guess maybe they are just saying it to say it, I don't know. But MrVan and I care deeply about everyone who walks into our lives. There is always a place for them and no matter what, we treat everyone the way that we want to be treated.

 

You guys are a great looking couple and your profile and pictures exude personality and a fun loving nature. You should have plenty of options for playing (for example--if you are ever up in Cleveland....). So, our suggestion would be to tune down the desire for immediate friendships and relationships and increase the focus on just plain sexual fun. We are not suggesting that you play with everyone all the time. But, maybe, if you set up a larger number of play dates with a variety of couples and take the emphasis off the immediate conversion into life long friends, you will have a better chance of finding what you seek.

 

So you have been perving our profile huh? We really appreciate the compliment and we always hope that our pictures show the people we truely are. I will take the suggestions given here and try to focus more on those that we meet and if they just come and go then it wasn't meant to be but every couple and single touches us in some way as it was a memory created and guess I just need to leave it at that I guess.

 

We think, over time, you are bound to find that one or those two couples who have the same interests as you and with whom you will have the requisite balance of mutual physical and emotional interest.

 

We already have but they are so far away.

 

Thanks again for the advise!

 

MrsVan

[Guest MrsVan]

You sound like a great couple that cares about people. If we lived in Ohio we would love to meet you guys. Buts it's WAY too cold up there! )

 

It is not that cold here in Ohio and besides all that body heat would keep everyone warm.

 

Thanks for the response!

 

MrsVan

[Chicup 42]

Well ironicly we are having some swinging friends over for a non-swing family night tomarrow. We met them while we were both mostly newbies, hit it off, and have been great friends (with some rough spots) for many years now.

 

On the down side, we all agree this was a 1 in a million bit of luck we found each other.

 

Right stage in life, right area, right mindsets, right looks, etc.

 

We had hoped by now, after 6 years of on and off swinging that we would have several couples like this, or at least a few.

 

We don't. Despite all the 'we love to be friends' types, it seems the standard times we play with a couple is two.

 

I think the problem is that sometimes people are great people, you hit it off, BUT you don't have what it takes to be friends. You don't have shared experiances beyond swinging. This means that just because you could be friends on paper, that 'spark' of friendship isn't there. I just don't think a true friendship can be founded on sex alone.

 

In our case, our only true 'friends' in swinging, the husband and I shared a hobby, so we did a lot of that together. This gave us things to talk about that didn't involve how to please each others spouse sexualy. This made us also get together as a couple more frequently. I'm sure if we didn't share a hobby our friendship would have ended quite a while ago.

 

Now for a while we both slowed down our hobby (note I'm being vague for privacy heh) but by then our friendship had been established enough that it didn't matter.

[Tybee Swing 286]

They were a soft swap couple where MrVan and I enjoy full swap.

.... So the other weekend, we had them over and went out to dinner. We played some pool, relaxed in the hot tub and as things got hot we then went to the bedroom to play. Things were going really well and MrVan had asked her if it was okay that he have sex with her and she said "yes" so after a while of them going at it, I asked the wife if it was okay that I had her husband and she said "yes". Things got rough for the wife as it was the first time she had watched the husband with someone else. Again completely understandable and therefore we all stopped and layed around, cuddled and just talked. We would never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable or feel any pressure from us so we called it quits. No problem.Things seemed to have been going really well while we laid around talking. They had planned on staying the night at our house and well, after we all went to bed we heard a knock on our bedroom door and it was the husband saying they were just going to head out. Things seemed to have went really well and I thought MrVan and I handled the situation well but now I am confused as to what happened. Since then we have not talked to them. I have sent her an email also tried to IM them and they do not respond. MrVan has talked with her briefly and the husband. But I do not understand what happened?

 

Hi MrsVan,

 

I think this is pretty common for newbies after their first full swap, even if it went pretty well from your perspective. People just never really know what it's going to feel like to see their spouse engaged in sex with somebody else. You mentioned that things got "rough" for the wife, so she pulled the plug on the activities, even after she'd said yes. I understand that there was some warm and friendly communicating afterward, but I'll bet that she was struggling emotionally with the whole full-swap thing and all the mix of feelings that comes with that. I feel they left early because they just needed to be alone together and start sorting through how they feel about it (especially her). This is something they need to do privately as a couple.

 

It's very common for couples like this to need time away from swinging and chatting with swing friends, because they're confused to some degree about how they feel. It takes a bit of time to sort through it, and they'd rather communicate with you when they're more clear about it, themselves. (I understand that because I've been there.) This happens often even if they really like you and even enjoyed the activity with you, in the moment. But that doesn't mean they don't still have feelings to sort through. They may be feeling a sense of embarrasment or awkwardness right now too, because they pulled the plug after saying yes, and because they may be unsure now about what they want to do in the future. Maybe full swap isn't for them. If that's the case, they may think that you four can't go back to what it was before you tried full swap. There could be many reasons that are really about them, not about you.

 

Since it sounds like you really cared about them, you might want to give them a little space for a couple of weeks or so, and then write them a sincere note about how you valued the fun times and the friendship, and that even if they don't care to try full swap again, you'd like to ____. (Whatever you and MrVan feel you'd like to continue with them.) It may ease their mind and get them past being embarrassed or awkward about how things didn't work out when you got together. From their perspective, they may feel that they "failed", or messed things up, or something like that. Even though you and MrVan were cool with stopping things and had a nice talk after, they still may be feeling all sorts of things that have nothing to do with you two, just things they're working out.

 

Big hugs, TS

[prettylady 221]

we are still looking for that elusive couple that fits perfectly: sexually exciting, vertically enjoyable and within a stone's throw.

 

 

Spoomonkey

 

Hey I have a pretty good arm. Perhaps if the wind was blowing south and I had a small enough stone and I ate my wheaties that morning.....

 

A girl can dream can't she?

 

Your friend,

Prettylady

[prettylady 221]

MrsVan,

I could easily be that girlfriend you are looking for. I enjoyed your company so much in Ohio. Again, the distance thing. I feel for you girlfriend, I really do.

I miss the friends I have made. Surpisingly more then I thought I would.

Emails can be fun, but they don't beat sitting down on the couch drinking tea, and chatting the afternoon away.

I hope you find your special friend,

Your friend always,

Prettylady

[ohash01 20]

I will be your female friend MrsVan I wish I could have met you (and everyone else) at the meet-up.

 

Like I've stated in several other posts...we have one couple that we're spot-on with. We're all insanely attracted to one another, we're all mildly emotionally invested, and we all have a ton of fun around one another (vanilla world AND swinging world). But this was NOT easy to find. AT ALL. J. and I have been swinging for about a year now, which isn't a long time at all, but we didn't meet this couple until about 4 months ago. I consider 8 months of active searching to be a long time. I don't know, maybe it isn't. This is the first couple we've even remotely clicked with...the other times we've swung it's been with singles. You try to get 4 people together and sometimes it works, other times it's utter chaos.

 

So, I doubt you're doing anything wrong. I glanced at your profile. You're honest, descriptive, great pics...I see nothing wrong. Don't let a couple sad experiences get in the way of what could be a wonderful swinging life! Like I always tell J. - it's like trying to date all over again - you think you're past the hurt and the awkwardness and the confusion, you've found the person you love and want to be with forever...then suddenly you're out searching again. *sigh*

 

I also understand the "not many friends" thing. The F in the other couple is my best female friend. Well, that's not completely true, but my only other close female friend is in med school in another state and is essentially MIA.

 

It'll happen when you least expect it. I promise!

[Guest MrsVan]

MrsVan,

I could easily be that girlfriend you are looking for. I enjoyed your company so much in Ohio. Again, the distance thing. I feel for you girlfriend, I really do.

I miss the friends I have made. Surpisingly more then I thought I would.

Emails can be fun, but they don't beat sitting down on the couch drinking tea, and chatting the afternoon away.

I hope you find your special friend,

Your friend always,

Prettylady

 

 

Prettylady,

 

I have already considered you a friend just the miles between us keep us away from hanging out. I really enjoyed meeting you and hanging out at the meet up too. Look forward to seeing you again.

 

MrsVan

[Guest MrsVan]

Thanks everyone for the posts. I really appreciate all the positive feedback that you gave me and reassurance that in time we will find what we are looking for. However, I have to give an update to you all as I am rather excited...I had sent the lady of the couple an email earlier this week just letting them know that I was thinking of them and that I had hoped all was going well. Told them that we truely enjoyed their friendship and loved hanging out with them in both settings. And I guess as Tybee stated they just needed time to work things out. According to the wife the first couple days after the evening together was the hardest and as her and the husband talked she is feeling better about things. She even sent me and MrVan a PM last night wanting us to go with her to get her hood pierced (yes, I converted yet another one ) so we told her this morning to come on over and we would take her. So we went to the parlor and I went back with her as she got her hood pierced (suprise for hubby as he only thinks that she is THINKING about it. ) and then went to the mall to do a little bit of shopping before she went back to get her child.

 

Today went really well with her and as I told MrVan I think it is just going to take time for me to see that she is truely okay and that we can all start being around and her not feeling that added stress or pressure. I am somewhat happy and hope that things work out.

 

We realize that it may take them time to get back to being "normal" around us as they still have alot of feelings to work out and I just hope that once they are able to do that, that we all will be able to hang out more again soon.

 

Thanks again everyone honestly for your posts. It is great to know that I have so many friends on this board who can relate to what it is that I was feeling and be able to help me get through this.

 

MrsVan

[MoonLightKiss 28]

Mrs. Van, I just read the thread, so I suppose I am a little late for the reply. I don't think I can add anything to the swinging part of this, as so many have replied and covered it all. As far as the friendship, and just wanting to have a gf to hang out with, go shopping with, and have a great fun filled lunch with while the men are at work though, I can share my experiences.

 

When you break down the friends that me and my husband have it goes a little like, he has his buddys, and I get along with the wives. He knew them all before we married, and all those in this tight knit group went to school at the same time. So needless to say out of the 8 of us, they have known each other 10-15 years, while I have only been here about 6. I feel like a left fielder sometimes. And as far as any friends to call my own, well, I don't have any. The only one I hung out with moved to Alabama a few months back. So there haven't been any of those lunches here lately.

 

Here's what I did. I went out one day and had my nails done, my hair cut and the color refreshed. I went and bought me a new outfit, new shoes, (open toe to show off my nice pedicure) went to the grocery store and bought all kinds of party food, then went to the liquor store and bought stuff to make daquiris and white russians. Called up all the wives, told em to leave the hubby and the kids at home and come on to the hen party. Then I proceeded to kick my hubby and kids out to my mothers for the night.

 

Four women, no men or kids, lots of great food and liquor, and we had the best time. We talked fashion, showed off our tatoos for those of us that had them, admired each others style, and somewhere around drink 4 we started gossiping. Around drink 6 we were talking about our men. Needless to say we all went home with alot of information we didn't previously have. But we had a great time. AND, I am now getting phone calls to go out for lunch, or shopping. And our hen party...we now do it once every other month. So my advice, if you want to find some friends to hang out with regularly, put yourself out there. Are you going to be disappointed? Probably, not everyone has chemistry to be lifelong friends, but getting there is half the fun. And if you ever feel like having a friend close by, you can move to KY, and live a stones throw from me

[Spoomonkey 421]

Hey I have a pretty good arm. Perhaps if the wind was blowing south and I had a small enough stone and I ate my wheaties that morning.....

 

Well - at least I'll know who to blame if I get hit with any rocks this morning...

 

 

Spoomonkey

[Mrs.PaganLovers 15]

I guess we are one of those couples that looks for friendship too. We have been very lucky to find several of those. Some are far away .

 

One of the things that is nice about just hanging out or going shopping together is you don't have to be careful about what you say, or be on guard all the time.

 

All the people that we met at the meet up are just terrific and I could see all of us becoming friends, but we are a little more than a stone throw .

 

We are a very picky couple and getting to know someone is a prerequisite (ok spelling police, don't know if I spelled that right). But, I count all of you in my circle of friends

 

Blessings

Mrs. PL

[sereneiders 263]

MrsVan, it's nice to read things are straghtening between you four.

 

While as many others I believe you didn't do anything wrong... to the other parties in this relationship. The question is, if you're doing it ok with yourself.

 

When people in this board asks why we swing, I use to say it is because we CAN and because we DON'T NEED to do it. It may seems obvious and even stupid, but it isn't, and this is something I believe we can extrapolate to many other activities and relationships.

 

Of course, we need friends, we need to fulfill our hedonism, but for as long as we have friends and chances to fulfill it, we don't get hooked by someone because he/she's the only able to provide what we need. And this doesn't mean we undervaluate the feelings. In fact, we developed a couple of polyamoral relationships and we do seek for friendship as you do. But I guess we do it with lower expectations.

 

What called my attention from your words is the need I perceive you have for friendship, while at the same time you seem to want to fulfill that need inside the lifestyle. Chicup already said this, and I'll rephrase: friendship (as any relationship) is a building made up around common interests and a shared story togheter, and it's hard (but not impossible) to build it just around sex, because when some sexual related issue arouses, you loose the cement bonding the building bricks.

 

But this is because of people's expectations. When a new couple meets you two, they may want to develop a friendship, but they also may expect to build it around sex. If they don't share the same need for holding a friendship, everithing ends up deppending on the sex.

 

In the other hand, I wonder if a polyamorous setting isn't one where your expectations could fit better, just because in such a setting people is supposed to make an effort to feed many aspects of a relationship but just sex, and leverage things should some sexual problem arouses.

 

Also, as to consider this option, you'd be able to work around the prejudices towards polyamorous relationship most people have and you may have, in the sense that there are many levels of possible commitment in those relationships, from what we could claim to be a friendship inside the lifestyle, and up to fully commited relationships, but in any case, poly or poly friendly people is more likely to be up to make commitments.

 

Because this is what you're talking about, isn't it? Why people doesn't commit to the friendship feelings they pursued and developed. As swingers we make our engagement rules explicit, and when we talk about making friends inside the lifestyle, we use to trust it'd be enough with the implicit rules a "vanilla" friends relationship have to offer. And as I see this, the only difference here with poly/poly friendly people is that they would make the other rules explicit as well. To tell the others what you expect from them at the emotional level as for everyone to be able to make commitiments fitting their confort level.

 

It's just food for tought.

[prettylady 221]

Well - at least I'll know who to blame if I get hit with any rocks this morning...

 

 

Spoomonkey

 

WAY TO FUNNY

 

Your friend,

Prettylady