Partner is passive about finding others to play with

[crazykatie 139]

Hi. I am a long time lurker and first time poster. I will start with a little about myself. I am 43 years old and married to the most wonderful husband that a woman could have except for one thing. His sexual drive is substantially lower than my own. He would have sex three to four times a month where I could have it every day (or at least every other day).

 

After years of counseling, I have come to understand that his love for me has nothing to do with his sex drive. His sexual drive is simply much lower than my own. While I understand that logically, I still cannot escape my own needs.

 

As a means of bridging the gap between our sexual interests, we investigated swinging. Over time, we met a couple and had our first experience. From my perspective it was great! First, I loved the hot, passionate, raw sexual experience. Second, my husband's sexual drive was boosted by the experience (so that we were having sex at least a couple times a week). Neither of us is threatened by the activity as we both know that we are completely committed to one another emotionally. So, everything should be good, right?

 

We've met and been with a number of couples. However, we have only found one couple (so far) with whom we really, really mesh. We play rather infrequently (maybe three or four times a year will be all because of our insanely busy schedules). And, ideally, I'd like to have a number of possible play friends to keep things fresh and exciting.

 

Well, here is my frustration. I cannot get my DH interested in actively helping me locate additional play friends. He is very shy, doesn't deal well with rejection, and hates to "put himself out there" to contact couples.

 

As a result, he generally won't look at profiles with me to identify people to contact. I think this is because he dislikes getting excited about a particular couple only to get a thanks but no thanks response. He also does not want to put many pictures on any site (in part because of privacy concerns and in part because he just doesn't like the idea of others looking at them).

 

Once someone expresses an interest, he is happy to speak with them and meet with them. He is witty and fun and generally "shows" rather well. And, once everyone is into playing, he is very, very excited. But, he really hates what I call the "shopping" process.

 

Does anyone else have a passively participating spouse like mine? If so, what do you do? How do you handle them? Have you been able to get them to participate in the selection process?

 

Katie

[ohash01 20]

J. is passive to a point. I do the large majority of the looking and will usually make first contact. He knows our logins and passwords...occassionally he'll choose to log on and check stuff out, but not very often. He says (and I quote) "I feel so stupid...I've never been able to walk up to a chick in a bar and say "sooo...want to go home and have wild animal sex". Why would I be able to do it now?" So, I let him stay in his comfort zone, while I start up conversations.

 

I am the shyer of the two of us, but the internet gives me the nerve I need to be making the first contacts. Your husband is probably a little like me (shy and afraid of rejection) and a little like J. (not quite understanding how to make this work). So, he leaves it up to you, since based upon your post, you have a pretty decent success rate.

 

Unless it really bothers you, I'd say just keep looking yourself and bringing him options. He's obviously interested in the swinging and it seems to have had a nice effect on your sex life...so keep up the good work!

[cpl2doitwithu 15]

You two sound like us, only in reverse. She wants me to do all the "computer stuff" and just keep her informed. She will occasionaly look over my shoulder and look at profiles of the people that contact us. She will give me her opinion on a cpl that when I ask her. But she doesn't like to email, chat, cam, or talk on the phone to potential playmates. She does get excited and really gets involved in our "first meeting" with someone. She also loves the whole idea of the lifestyle but wants to leave all the "leg work" to me. Now, this sometimes poses a problem when couples want to talk to her before we actually meet. When I tell them that she would rather that we just meet and talk, they sometimes perceive me as a phoney. What's funny is that I usually wind up with all the dialog with the lady of a cpl. It just goes to show that evryone has their preference in contact methods.

 

It looks as things are going well for you two. I would not worry about his lack of participation in the "shopping" as long as he enjoys the groceries.

 

Just be sure to keep him informed. I always read her my emails and IM's.

 

Happy Shopping!!

[OpenToSound 15]

We have a similar situation. The He does most of the searching while She does most of the contacting. This job assignment is not a reflection of our strengths by any means, quite on the contrary, it is the opposite. Yet, He has more available time to be online and likes having a part in the decision making process, so this is his job. But we have both noticed that due to our specific interests within the lifestyle (its all fun but we, but there are a few specific reasons, or interactions that are souly responsible for keeping us coming back) that , we get a better response rate as well as willing partners if She does the initial contacting. This even holds true in a party or club environment. So while both of us are more then willing to take part in the search neither of us have the optimal job which makes it more difficult (She has a better eye and He is far less detoured by rejection.) He is reluctant in the search and She is reluctant in the first contact. Even though this is the case, the reward, as has been decided by everyone is by all means worth the effort and unease.

[intuition897 2,179]

Like sifting shit out of kitty litter, once again we see how swinging highlights our weakest points. So is his shyness a problem? Or is this an opportunity for a little character building? I know I used to be painfully shy abd awkward. I still am. But I've found that getting out there and forcing myself to socialize and learn how to play nice with the other kids has really helped me a lot. I'm a lot more assertive, more straight-forward and I am much better at reading people than I used to be. This has helped me in other areas of my life, too. I'm no longer afraid to deal with people that I have a disagreement with. I am more effective at work. My self-confidence is better than it was, and my self-esteem.

 

Perhaps you guys could try visiting a club. Let hubby get a drink or two into him to relax a bit and then force yourselves to be friendly and take chances. As long as he doesn't get pushy, the worst someone is going to say is "No thanks" and that's usually accompanied by a smile. I think he just needs to gain a little more confidence in himself. Needs to feel some success. YOU know he's a sexy guy who knows how to push your buttons. The trouble is that he doesn't.

 

My advice to him is to stop worrying about being "good enough" and just focus on being a gentleman. And a gentleman whose idea of "ladies first" is a sincere desire to learn how to please a woman (LEARN how, not KNOW how...because we're all different) is very sexy. That definitely goes a long way in my book. He worries too much.

 

Hope this helps some.

[sexyshelby 19]

Maybe you could try a club or a social/meet n greet. Seeing how other people hit it off might give him more courage to try it himself. It would also be a good opportunity for others to see and approach you two.

 

And at the very least, it'd be a fun, sexy night out for the two of you!

[NakedInSeattle 159]

I (Mr. Naked) do all the searching, planning and organizing. Mrs. Naked trusts me and enjoys the fruits of my searches but doesn't want to be part of it. She is NOT submissive. She just doesn't enjoy that. In all other social connections and encounters, she's the organizer. Everybody is different, ain't they? It's what makes this lifestyle so much fun.

[carlos_pchot 16]

hi CrazyKatie, would love to see you more often than this, your situation it's more usual than you think, with my first sw couple, I did all the contact work, the chatting, the phone calls, when I had filtered them, I talked to her about it and made them contact her so that way she could say if we could go out or not. Don't feel bad because your hb is like that, you just can't expect to be like you, much like your sex drive is, the good thing is that you have a good time at swinging and he's into it and like usual, improves your sex life as a couple.

 

Keep it up like that and just tell him about the prospects when you have seen they're serious and really offer a good chance for you both.

I'm sure it will work out great.

 

Keep in touch,

[crazykatie 139]

Are there any couples out there who join in their screening activities equally (or nearly equally)? If so, have you always been equally involved or did your equal involvement evolve over time?

[LOL_OMG 130]

It is hard to put a percentage number on it, but a vast majority of the couples we have met in the lifestyle have one person that does most of the contact work. As mentioned in a previous post, swing clubs are good for meeting people on equel ground and seeing what you are going to get firsthand. Mrs. lol wants nothing to do with the on-line, chatiing, pre-meet up process, and to be honest sometimes I find it a bit tiring myself considering the end result doesn't always work out. Clubs and house party's cut through a lot of the red tape and once you have made some friends in the lifestyle, then you meet some of their friends, others meet yours, and so on. We have only been in the lifestyle a little over a year and due to what I just mentioned we rarely go on line looking anymore. Hope this helps and good luck.

 

MR.

[sexyshelby 19]

This thread talks about who manages the online ads. It may help you.

[marieandbrian 15]

We have been in the lifestyle for about 3 years now and have each taken a turn on managing our ads. We are both kind of shy, but usually, Brian will make the initial contact and then if I am really interested I follow up. When we are contacted, I am usually the one who replies. So, yea, I guess I am the one who decides who we are going to play with, I can usually detect the "vibe" of someone from their correspondance.

[prettylady 221]

When we first started this it was Dog who did the searching. But in the end it was my connection with people that I have met that took us to our first swingers club and now possibly our first swing. Dog let me sit back and slowly push the envelope at my own pace. Now I have become a swingboardaholic and I love the "shopping" I also get a kick out of how many people have checked out our pics and site on sls.

 

Give him time or if you don't mind doing it. Carry on the way you are.

 

He seems to do fine once in the situation. That is when I would worry about being to passive.

 

Keep posting

[couplewanting50 65]

crazykatie said:

Once someone expresses an interest, he is happy to speak with them and meet with them. He is witty and fun and generally "shows" rather well. And, once everyone is into playing, he is very, very excited. But, he really hates what I call the "shopping" process.

 

Does anyone else have a passively participating spouse like mine? If so, what do you do? How do you handle them? Have you been able to get them to participate in the selection process?

 

The solution seems to be that you should do all of the shopping, and he will be happy, and you can all play.

[Express Service 15]

Hi Crazy,

Guess you are lucky that once the "shopping is done" he participates.

 

Perhaps he is shy...perhaps he lacks confidence...

 

The fact is that he enjoys thereafter is good enough...while my heart goes out for u that the entire selection is single handed.

 

Cheers

[getnit2gethr 15]

I havn't posted anything in a long time and I'm in the mood so for what it's worth it sounds like I almost have your situation role reversed. One difference is that she is almost keeping up with me now that I am 40. When we were younger she wasn't even close. We hadn't started swinging yet so I just masturbated relentlessly. We decided to start swinging a little over a year ago and I had to do all the work. We've now been to over a dozen events and she is now starting to get more involved, but I still do most of the work. I think it's a combination between her getting comfortable and having the time. She stays very busy. It slows us down a lot though. After I find someone interested it takes a week or so before I can get her to check them out. Often we just lose them. Luckily she likes the events. I think they may be helping her to gain confidence in communicating with people in the lifestyle. My next step is to try and get her some more time, but that's a personal matter. I really don't know your whole situation so I can't give you advice but hopefully you will get something out of this. Good luck.

[mandw2 15]

sexyshelby said:

This thread talks about who manages the online ads. It may help you.

 

Thanks Shelby for the link. It was very helpful. I guess we (my husband and I) are in the minority in that it was my idea to start swinging. They were for the same reasons as Crazykatie

 

crazykatie said:

His sexual drive is substantially lower than my own. He would have sex three to four times a month where I could have it every day (or at least every other day).

 

So in this I have taken the role of managing our online site, responding to e-mail, screening, chatting, etc. My husband also has all of the log-ons and does frequently read the e-mails I have sent, or will read over my shoulder as I am chatting.

 

However, recently we encountered a situation where I had been chatting with the husband of another couple and his wife wanted to chat with my husband before meeting face to face. My husband flat out refused, stating that on-line chatting is not his thing and he would much rather meet someone face to face after I had screened them, or meet new people at a house party or club. While we have never gone the house party or club route, I get the feeling there is a lot more pressure to jump into the sack with someone (or someones) without really getting to know who they are first. Which is not my style of what I want our swinging experience to be. Thus enters the desire to find a group of couples, in which we all are comfortable with, who we can swing with on a regular basis.

 

So I guess my thoughts are this. You have to do what works well for you and your husband. As long the shopping process is working for you both, then go with it. If you run across a couple or someone who discounts you for what works for you, then it probably would not have been a good match with them anyway.

 

Good luck shopping

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

mandw2 said:

However, recently we encountered a situation where I had been chatting with the husband of another couple and his wife wanted to chat with my husband before meeting face to face. My husband flat out refused, stating that on-line chatting is not his thing and he would much rather meet someone face to face after I had screened them, or meet new people at a house party or club.

mandw2~

 

Have you considered a phone call instead? The other couple may be agreeable to this if your husband would feel comfortable with it.

 

 

crazykatie ~

 

The thread sexyshelby linked to is one I started some time ago, when we first started out. I had the same 'problem' in that my husband wasn't interested in searching through profiles to find suitable couples to approach. I did it all, including the e-mails. It was frustrating at first because I took this to mean my husband was not as interested in swinging as I was, even though he said he was. What I learned over time is that it only showed the difference between him and me, as in all things we discovered about each other during those first years of marriage, some things I was better at and more willing to do than him. So it has been with searching for swingers. I now understand this difference between us.

 

Things have not changed regarding him being passive to searching through profiles, but I have. I've come to understand that I am very happy handling all the searching and doing the e-mail communicating myself. It works fine that way. I know my husband's preferences and don't even show him a profile if I know he won't find the woman appealing. I know his likes and dislikes. He has no interest in sitting at the computer when he gets home from work and perving pictures and profiles, or reading swinger forums. But I keep him in touch with everything I do and find interesting and he is always willing to read what I point out to him. He's not in the dark.

 

He does e-mail women after we've played, but will only continue writing if they write to him. Some women are writers, others are not. For some couples writing isn't important and they prefer to flirt and talk when we meet. That's okay too.

 

It's good that your husband does well in person with people, my husband does well in that environment and we have decided that in 2007 we will attend more clubs and parties so we can meet more people without having to always use the swing site as a starting point.