Confused about taking the next step toward swinging

[Guest lost husband]

Hey,

The wife and I this past weekend (New Years Eve) went to a party with some friends of ours. Any way to cut through the chit chat, we ended back up at there place that night for some fun adult games.

 

We have known for some time that she was bi, and he was pretty much straight, as the wife and I are. Before we knew it we were all naked and lying around the room. Now we had never been "completely" naked with another person, much less another couple before, by thy way the married couple that we are talking about is an attractive couple.

 

We never did a swap nor did his wife make a move on my wife (who would probably freak out), but we did have sex very close to each other. And the night was GREAT!!

 

Anyway after we had left, the next morning the wife and I talked, and she had mentioned something about swapping, not in a direct kinda way but I got the hint. Now we have been married just a month short of 8 years and have sex about 4 days a week still, but never had we or I had thought about swapping, how do we approach them about it? I know that they have been swinging for some time now (or at least she has - bi females only).

 

I really enjoyed the night, and the wife did too, but how do we go about taking that extra step? What about jealousy? And what harm can it do to our marriage if we decided to cross that line?

 

Any info would really be great!! And any addition thoughts...

[TheSwingerSet 205]

The first thing you need to do is find some quiet time and talk about it, the thought of it may be sexy and exciting but the reality of it is that its a big step to make in any relationship. Then once you have talked and have decided to go ahead with it, stop and talk it through again. If you still want to go ahead then wait a few days and talk again. If you still think its something that you wish to try then its time for the real hard part, you need to sit down and talk about rules, set forth some guidelines that are within your comfort level. I know there are many post about the different rules on here so just search for them to see what other have and then set your own.

 

Once you have all the details out of the way, yup sit down and talk it out again.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is that you need to always be open to talking about it with your partner.

 

Once you have that the rest just falls into place.

 

As for hooking up with the couple you had same room with just ask them.

[Gladiola4u 16]

SwingerSet is right, the key to this is to talk LOTS. If you don't you might find yourself in a situation that either one of you might not like and could hurt you.

 

When my sex_slave and I talked about this, we talked lots, including the night we joined the club to make sure that it was what we wanted to do and we also made the decision that if there was something we didn't like we would not go back or not continue in that lifestyle for the sake of our marriage which means a lot to us and we love each other madly.

 

Do talk and get the info you might need and make a careful decision that it is what the BOTH of you want.

[intuition897 2,179]

Sounds like you've found some interesting friends there! If they have a good close relationship with each other, and they have a few years experience in the lifestyle, they might make ideal first playmates. It sounds like they're non-pushy and respectful, which is GREAT! It's why I highly recommend that newbies seek out experienced couples, because swinging 'veterans' tend to be very relaxed about it, they are comfortable with what they are doing and have answered most of the big questions that swinging raises about relationships. They are less likely to push, because they know how it feels to BE pushed, and it sucks. They understand the absolute need for patience and respect and trust. If your friends are in fact a full-swap couple, they would likely be interested in exploring things further with you.

 

Just remember a few key things:

 

1. Go SLOW! Never advance to another comfort level if you don't feel up to the challenge. It's not a race. Relax and enjoy the ride!

 

2. Never leave something unsaid. If you feel it, is should be tactfully and respectfully phrased, and it should come right out of your mouth. This is the time for radical honesty. When you leave things unsaid, and questions unanswered, you leave room for doubt. If you have to guess at what your partner is thinking, stop and ask. You need to KNOW.

 

3. Your spouse is your very first priority. NEVER forget that. Your relationship with your spouse is a sacred space that others are not privy to...ever! If, for example, another couple insists that separate rooms are the way to go, or that she needs to become your wife's new bestest friend in the whole wide world, or that he is supposed to be able to treat your wife like a piece of meat or a toy, or if they pressure you to do anything you are not 100% comfortable with, you have the RIGHT and the RESPONSIBILITY to say no. Let them get offended. Let them get all in a huff. It's their problem, not yours. There is no 'taking one for the team'. Not for one another, and certainly not to please someone who isn't even in your relationship. And further...

 

4. Stay true to yourself. Never do anything that hurts, feels dirty, or feels degrading. Swinging is supposed to be fun. If it hurts, something is wrong. You have a responsibility to yourself and to your spouse to stand up for yourself when something isn't right. Otherwise, how is your wife or husband supposed to know that seeing him or her having sex with someone else is hurting you? The fact that you're all there and naked kinda gives the impression that you are open to the idea. She might think you're getting off on watching her. Don't leave room for such a devastating misunderstanding. Nip things in the bud as soon as you feel a twinge; don't wait until your heart is broken.

 

5. Read, read, read and talk, talk, talk. Consider all the fantasies and scenarios, good and bad. Take the time to really get to know one another's deepest desires and worst fears. Bring kleenex. You'll either need it for the tears or for cleaning up after some of the hottest sex you've had in years. My guess is, you'll need it for both.

 

6. Be tough yet flexible. OWN your emotions and do not allow them to make your decisions for you. See negative feelings as indicators of a problem, not as problems themselves. It's okay to feel them, but don't let them rule you. You WILL inevitibly make mistakes and hurt one another. Expect it, and be prepared to forgive. After all, if it was a true mistake, your partner never intended to hurt you. If your partner is, however, behaving badly and is selfishly motivated, caring more for his/her own comfort and pleasure than for your needs for respect, courtesy, and emotional/mental health, then that is unacceptable and all play should stop until he or she realizes what the true problem is.

 

This isn't about the sex. It's about discovering (probably for the first time) what a treasure you have in one another. You will find out things you never dreamed, and you never stop finding more. As rollercoasters go, on a scale from 1 to 5, this sucker is an 8. Boot camp for your relationship. Read this message board together and talk about what you read. Some things are better than you dreamed...and some things are definitely not what you wanted to hear. It's called Pandora's Box for a reason. When a question is finally asked, you can't ignore it anymore and it demands an answer, for good or bad. The truths you will find can change your life accordingly.

[cracker0jack 18]

alright, I had to register so I could give you an update to my guest post..

 

First, the wife and I have a very stable and secure marriage and our communication skills are great, and we have been talking about it, among us and the other couple. M and T, are great people and they have already assured us that if things were to progress, other than having sex in the same room, than we would be the ones making the first move. Second, new years eve, was not planned, and was very unexpected to both parties, so therefor I feel a lot better about it than I did before. We still have a lot of talking to do, between us and them. we are not going forward until we are 100% sure, and without a doubt. I think that we are going to learn to crawl before we walk.

 

I'll keep you posted on how things progress.

[intuition897 2,179]

Sounds like you're on the right road, CJ! Take your time and have fun learning and exploring together. It's real adventure and you miss some of the best parts when you rush. We'll look forward to your updates.

[aahours1 16]

"SWINGERSET" is correct. Talk and more talk. Get the rules out in the open, question the rules and explan all the rules and what they detail. Talk some more. Best thing is OPEN COMMUNICATION and keep it open. Then when you have it all set talk to the other couple. You say they are swingers anyways, they will be open about it. Set rules with them, if need be. Just ask and talk about it. Very good advice from "SWINGERSET"

[cracker0jack 18]

Still Talking...

 

I believe that we have agreed to at least give it a shot. we have been speaking with them for the past 2 nights about it. Remember, we have known them for about 4 months now, and only about a month ago did we learn about there lifestyle.

 

They kinda made us feel better when they said that it would be a first for them, in a way that T (his wife) is not going to be messing around with my wife. (she's just not sure if she's wants to try that yet). So basically it will be 2 straight couples, and not just the women and then the men.

We have already discussed rules, and I'm still working on how we would break the ice. It may take a few more get-togethers (like new years) before we actually cross that line. We talked of how just maybe keeping soft, for a time or two, but who knows what will happen.

 

I'll keep you posted

[TheSwingerSet 205]

Have fun be safe and swing from the vines at your own (the slowest halfs) pace. Remember there is always tomorrow......

[cracker0jack 18]

Once again we are still talking... tonight we talked about all the do's and dont's, along with M & T, and found out exactly what they like and dislike, along with a little more personal questions.

 

Plus, we talked about certain request, and I have a feeling that I'll be itching because of this one , but all is looking good.

 

Still may wait for a few more times, but you can never tell what will happen.

 

If anyone has any pointers, now is the time to speak up. Also we have several adult games, but what would be a real ice breaker? They are not going to make a move until we do.

 

I'll keep you posted.

[flkeyscouple 21]

For some good ice breakers check out these links:

 

Party Games and Icebreakers - Sexy, fun ideas!

 

How do you start things at a house party?

 

There are many threads about ice breakers. You can do a search (link at the top) and you'll find plenty of reading!

 

Good luck.

Sarah

[cracker0jack 18]

Hey, sorry I haven't posted lately...

 

We are still talking and pretty much everything looks great. We speak with M and T about every night. But as I've said they are great friends. We went over to their place last night for dinner and a movie, after we closed the store, not much was spoken about it, but then again last night was just a night out with our buddies, a little R&R. Our week had been really busy and so was theirs, plus they had there 3 y/o son there.

 

Before I forget, the wife and I own our own business, so sometimes things are crazy, we are open 7 days a week, so we actually stay tired al ot, and we're not at home that often, just during the evening hours.

 

We are somewhat making plans to get together Saturday.

 

I'll keep you posted.

[cracker0jack 18]

alright, new developments...

 

Lunch today.. My wife went with T, for some girlie talk, and later on I went with M, just to BS a little.

 

First time to actually sit down and talk about it (with them-girl/girl guy/guy)and I found out a lot of info, and then more later tonight from my wife.

Here the scoop, they have never been with a straight couple, only ones with bi females, (and they have had some bad exp. in the past.), any way T is really only it it for the women, and has some very horrific experiences with some other men, so she is kinda "iffy" about a full swap, she told my wife that she thought that it might hurt my feelings, if she didn't.

 

I look at things this away, if shes not comfortable with it, that fine, we all need to be in agreement, and we should not pursue it, until she is alright with. So we told her that if it were to happen, a full swap, than she is to make the first move.The wife and I pretty much decided to give it a shot, so therefor it will not be a problem.

 

I think that M and I decide to just start with a soft swap, and see how things go, which I believe is the best way to start. But that's where we will all stumble, T usually starts with the other female, but my wife isn't bi , so we have to find a another way to start. ANY suggestions???

 

also, this Saturday, we are going to B'ham for a show (work related) and they are going with us, so after we are going to go eat, and that's where we will actually sit down face to face and get everything out on the table.

 

Like I said in previous post, we are already good friends, and we get together and have dinner and maybe watch a movie, but we basically talk about things over "Chat" on the computer. The wife and I, and M and T, we will only talk about it TOGETHER. so if one is not there we will not chat about it.

 

Since we are getting closer... does anyone have any pointers? or can anyone think of any thing that might blind side us? I want this to be a good experience for both parties.

 

[sereneiders 263]

One of the things you have to bear in mind is, no one can control the situation nor the outcome. You all may agree to do your best to have everithing in control: try to make this pleasurable for everyone involved, try to keep the peace from the slowest one involved, try to stop thing if someone feels something odd, and the list goes on and on.

 

The fact is, no one can do that, and the trying is at the risk of stressing to the point of turning something that should be pleasurable into an umpleasant thing.

 

Of course, it's good to have a plan and try to keep it in control, but IMO, the real trick here is to foresight the worst scenarios should something goes wrong. What would you pleple do for the damage control? I think you have more chances of having a nice experience and being relaxed enough to enjoy it when you're reasured that people around you will take care of you should you fall from your horse.

 

This is even more meaningfull inside your marriage. As for us, we made an agreenment: whatever happens, happens after each other best will and understanding of what's going on. It is a shared responsability we accept when we engage into swinging. If something goes wrong/is hurtfull, then WE both did it, there's no space to blame on each other for the mistakes. We'll learn from the experience and move on or stop swinging, togheter. What I know for sure is: we started swinging togheter and we will end swinging togheter, if there weren't a "togheter" anymore, it will happen after stopping swinging, and not because of swinging oir our behavior while swinging.

 

I believe all of this is about making a good commitment and being able to stick to it, no matter of what.

[cracker0jack 18]

We did talk about "what if its not for us", and M and T were worried that if it wasn't how would it affect our friendship. Truthfully, its wouldn't be a blame game, we are all adults and it take 2 to tango, 4 in this case' but we understand that we would never know, until we tried it. We were also told that maybe it would be better to try to find a couple that wasn't a friend, but maybe someone from out of town or something, but I believe that we would not be comfortable with that, not knowing the other couple, and just not comfortable.

 

We are very comfortable around M and T, and we have already agreed that whatever happens happens, if it wasn't "for us", than we'd let them know, and without any hard feelings, and maintain our friendship. Which to both of us, is more important that the sex. Granted, I may look at his wife different, and he may look at mine, but we I strongly believe that we can pull through it with out any problems, with my wife and with them.

 

That's also another reason that we have decided to start soft. We should be able to find out if it "is" or if it "isn't" by doing a soft swap. or hopefully we should be able to tell. I also see that there is no taking back of what we do. We do it as a couple, and therefor there should not be a "finger pointing".

 

Also, if one person in our group, isn't ready, we will not proceed.it will be ALL or none. in other words, we all play, or no one plays.

We have already est. a good truthful, open and straight forward relationship, the same as the wife and I have. we have a really fun and enjoyable time when were all together. So I am really hoping that there will be "ZERO" problems.

[BradAndJanet 70]

You're thinking and talking about what you should be. I think it will go well. Let us know...

[cracker0jack 18]

alrighty... gonna have to start a new thread after tonight... "easier than we thought"