Good Advice Needed.....feeling insecure

[razldazl6974 15]

Hello everyone! I'm new to this, so please bare with me. Hubby and I have been married for 6 years and have recently been discussing the idea of having a MFF threesome. However, I find myself constantly having conflicting feelings on the subject. On one hand, I want to do this because I know it is my husband's fantasy and I am all about making him happy. On the other hand, I constantly find myself feeling insecure when I think about actually doing it. Will he find sex with another woman better than with me? Will he be more attracted to another woman than he is to me? Will she turn him on more than I do? Are these really stupid questions and feelings? My husband tries to reassure me that nothing will change his love for me. He tells me that sex with someone you don't love is completely different than sex with someone you do and that I will always have his heart. But he also says that I completely satisfy him and that no woman could be better than me, so I guess that leads me to ask "Why does he even want to have sex with another woman if he feels that way?" I know that he had threesomes before we met, but I am completely new to this and have never done anything like this. To top it all off, when I asked how open he would be to a MFM 3-some, he gave a resounding "Hell NO" and told me that he was unwilling to share me with another man. Now is it just me, or is that a little two-faced? He tries to justify this because he knows that I have no desire to be with another man. I guess in the end, I'm just trying to understand what motivates him to want another woman and he seems unwilling to tell me or seems to not know himself other than to tell me, "All men want to have sex with other women....it's just the way we are".

 

Side note....hubby and I have been seperated several times over the past 6 years and were both with other people during those times yet we always ended up back together. So why am I so hesitant? The only thing I can think of is that I'm terrified to actually see my husband get aroused by another woman firsthand....I'm scared of how that will make me feel. Any and all advice would be appreciated! Thanks!!

[SW_MS_CPL 15]

If you have had marital problems in the past, or are having them now, swinging probably isn't going to improve the situation. In fact, it may make things worse. From what little you have said, it may not be a good idea to get involved with anyone else until you have a better idea of what you and hubby really want to do.

[gatorvol64 216]

You've been separated several times over 6 years? And how is your marriage now? Because it takes a really strong marriage to survive swinging. And really good communication. Are those two things you have at this point?

 

Your concerns are normal to begin with. But you both should be able to discuss it and come to a understanding that helps to diminish these concerns. The fact that you haven't reached this point leads me to believe you aren't ready for this. Well, that, and the fact that he isn't willing to have it go both ways. Even if you aren't interested in MFM threesome at this point, are you sure that you won't be in the future? Swinging is sharing equally. How can you fully feel you have equal say if you aren't going to get the same chance if you desire it. You may never want to but I think you'll resent not having the same "right" in this as he does. And why doesn't he want you to? Tell him you might change your mind in the future and then see what he has to say. Most couples swing with couples anyway. It's hard enough for this to work. It must be a two-way road.

 

I'm not always good at the advice stuff but, I really couldn't not try. You're from Tennessee.

 

Vol

[razldazl6974 15]

Thanks for your effort Vol! It is very appreciated.

 

At this point, our relationship is the strongest it has ever been and communication is at an all-time high. Trust me, we wouldn't even be discussing the possibility of a 3-some otherwise! LOL Our seperations were never the result of cheating or being bored with each other, etc. They were mainly due to others (the Army, family members) driving wedges between us and a sad lack of communication back in those days. It's a really long story!

 

I can honestly say that I don't have a problem with him being unwilling to share. My experiences with other men were always unsatisfying and no one ever compared to my husband. I am totally satisfied and addicted to what I have with him and have no desire whatsoever for any other man. I think my real problem is that I think too much. Most days I am completely fine with the thought of giving it a try, but then some days I just let my imagination run wild and get all twisted up in knots. Part of me just thinks that its nervousness and that if we could just do it and get it over with it would prove I had nothing to worry about in the first place. Is that crazy? LOL

[LFM2 1,482]

Hello everyone! I'm new to this, so please bare with me. Hubby and I have been married for 6 years and have recently been discussing the idea of having a MFF threesome. However, I find myself constantly having conflicting feelings on the subject. On one hand, I want to do this because I know it is my husband's fantasy and I am all about making him happy. On the other hand, I constantly find myself feeling insecure when I think about actually doing it.

First of all, to the board! There are many great wonderful people here who are all about helping.

 

First of all, I'm gonna go over your post and highlight the the things that throw up some red flags to me. You're wanting to do this because you're all about making your husband happy? Well, I am too, but I wouldn't have any problem telling him no if I was the one uncomfortable with the whole thing. Most men who are living and breathing on earth have this fantasy that his wife will fool around with another woman and that they might get to partake of this fantasy by joining in.

If you're feeling insecure, then that should be a red flag to you NOT to go ahead with this until you're reassured to YOUR satisfaction.

 

Will he find sex with another woman better than with me? Will he be more attracted to another woman than he is to me? Will she turn him on more than I do? Are these really stupid questions and feelings?

Well, only your husband can tell you this. They're not stupid questions or stupid feelings as I know I had those same questions and same feelings before we started swinging. Sounds like it wouldn't hurt for you two to sit down and really talk about what you're looking for! It never hurts to communicate with your husband about these feelings. In fact, it never hurts to communicate with your husband about swinging, what you're both looking for and why he has problems visualizing you with another man.

 

My husband tries to reassure me that nothing will change his love for me. He tells me that sex with someone you don't love is completely different than sex with someone you do and that I will always have his heart. But he also says that I completely satisfy him and that no woman could be better than me, so I guess that leads me to ask "Why does he even want to have sex with another woman if he feels that way?"

What he's saying might be true. The only one that can answer that for sure is him, and whether you believe him or not is up to you -- however, it's true in our marriage. We don't have a problem separating sex and love. If either of you do, you might want to re-evaluate your urge to bring another person into your relationship.

 

when I asked how open he would be to a MFM 3-some, he gave a resounding "Hell NO" and told me that he was unwilling to share me with another man. Now is it just me, or is that a little two-faced? He tries to justify this because he knows that I have no desire to be with another man. I guess in the end, I'm just trying to understand what motivates him to want another woman and he seems unwilling to tell me or seems to not know himself other than to tell me, "All men want to have sex with other women....it's just the way we are".

Yes, it's not fair for him to want you to be with another female but not another man. In my own opinion, insecurity equals jealousy! I can't speak as to how other men might think, because I'm not one. I can't even read my husbands mind as often as I might try.

 

Lets go back to Swinging 101: Swinging is about respect for your partner. Swinging is supposed to be fun. Are you going to be having fun while you're watching him with her? Would he have fun while watching you with another man? Marriages have to be extremely strong to survive swinging. You're not going to be able to improve an already troubled marriage by swinging. You already need to have good communication along with extreme trust. I can't even begin to tell you how much love I have for my husband. It's something I just can't even begin to explain. We're on the same page and neither one of us move beyond the comfort zone of the other and above all -- I don't do anything to make him happy and he doesn't do anything just to make me happy. It's actually called not "taking one for the team". We both agree to what's going on and what we're doing. He doesn't own me and he doesn't tell me what we're going to do. It's an "US" thing.

 

Side note....hubby and I have been seperated several times over the past 6 years and were both with other people during those times yet we always ended up back together. So why am I so hesitant? The only thing I can think of is that I'm terrified to actually see my husband get aroused by another woman firsthand....I'm scared of how that will make me feel. Any and all advice would be appreciated! Thanks!!

My best advice to you at this time is just to take your time. There isn't a rush and it's not a race. COMMUNICATE with him! Talk over every possible scenario and here is what helped me the most: Reading this board. Read the board voraciously!! Have your husband read this forum, and have him read as much as he can and discuss together the scenarios you might read and communicate every chance you get. Ask questions to the other members of this board. Find out what exactly what you're both looking for and why. As a final thought, Swinging just might not be for you -- and THAT'S OK!!

[intuition897 2,179]

Hello everyone! I'm new to this, so please bare with me. Hubby and I have been married for 6 years and have recently been discussing the idea of having a MFF threesome. However, I find myself constantly having conflicting feelings on the subject. On one hand, I want to do this because I know it is my husband's fantasy and I am all about making him happy. On the other hand, I constantly find myself feeling insecure when I think about actually doing it. Will he find sex with another woman better than with me? Will he be more attracted to another woman than he is to me? Will she turn him on more than I do? Are these really stupid questions and feelings?

No, they're not stupid. I think everyone who starts into swinging asks questions like these of themselves at some point.

 

My husband tries to reassure me that nothing will change his love for me. He tells me that sex with someone you don't love is completely different than sex with someone you do and that I will always have his heart. But he also says that I completely satisfy him and that no woman could be better than me, so I guess that leads me to ask "Why does he even want to have sex with another woman if he feels that way?"

Now I was going to say that your husband is right about that statement, because we've dound it to be true, too. I was also going to answer your question with another question: "Why do people go out to eat at a restaurant or at a friend's house when they can make their favorite meal at thome?" Then I read the next part...

 

I know that he had threesomes before we met, but I am completely new to this and have never done anything like this. To top it all off, when I asked how open he would be to a MFM 3-some, he gave a resounding "Hell NO" and told me that he was unwilling to share me with another man. Now is it just me, or is that a little two-faced? He tries to justify this because he knows that I have no desire to be with another man.

Nope, it's not just you. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. While it may work for a while in some relationships, this kind of lop-sided double standard seems too unbalanced to remain stable for long. A bit like a lop-sided load of laundry in the washing machine. It just doesn't work.

 

Your sexuality is every bit as valid as his. Even though you don't intend to follow through with it, I would still suggest that you fix problems where you see them. If his double standard seems unfair to you, it's best to tackle it now. It's hard to say just how many other issues it will affect down the road. Ask him why it's okay for him to stick his dick in some other woman, but it's not okay for another man to put his in you? Why does he insist that YOU need to get over your insecurities, yet he doesn't? Why is this any different?...and your lack of desire to have sex with other men is irrelevant. What if you did? Just like he wants to have sex with other women? No, you make him deal with it. He brought all this shit up, didn't he? This is part and parcel, whether he was prepared for it or not. Things don't always go according to our carefully laid plans.

 

I guess in the end, I'm just trying to understand what motivates him to want another woman and he seems unwilling to tell me or seems to not know himself other than to tell me, "All men want to have sex with other women....it's just the way we are".

Has he fallen victim to that old stereotype that it's "normal" for men to be promiscuous and "normal" for women to be monogamous? Because it's total bullshit. I think that for some reason, men tend to be somewhat more sexually extroverted, but that's like saying that ALL men are extroverts, and all women introverts. It's just not true. Nope. He needs to come up with a deeper explanation than that. If he can't, he's not ready to swing with you, because he's not giving you what YOU need to be ready.

 

Side note....hubby and I have been seperated several times over the past 6 years and were both with other people during those times yet we always ended up back together. So why am I so hesitant? The only thing I can think of is that I'm terrified to actually see my husband get aroused by another woman firsthand....I'm scared of how that will make me feel. Any and all advice would be appreciated! Thanks!!

 

I would strongly suggest not doing anything until you get your questions answered to your satisfaction. YOUR satisfaction...not his.

 

Welcome to the board!

[cassies 50]

So,

 

Do you want to swing?

 

If not, don't. "Honey, I love you. I think it's great you have that fantasy, but it's a fantasy."

 

If you do want to swing, I agree with Intuition, it seems like it should be equal.

 

Bob

[catslaughing 45]

Umm free advice is only worth the cost, but as a male, I would encourage you NOT to do this. Any play you do outside the bounds of your original agreement (marriage vows, dating exclusively etc) should be a mutual decision. Anything less is unacceptable. With things being as you have described them, I would say that you should not take one for the team, nor subject a single woman to this drama.

 

In the interest of full disclosure my wife has never spoke of wanting a MFM, but if she did, then it would be bloody wrong of me to say no.

[Happypair 15]

So many good answers.. please pay attention, if for no other reason than as catslaughing said, this train wreck if a relationship of yours should not be imposed on innocent victims. Mark this, if you let him bully you into this, your next separation will be looming soon. The other six? Oh yes, all those people interfering. Lemme guess, interfering by telling you to lose the controlling jerk. You live to please him? Just for fun, google up 'Stockholm Syndrome' and then look in the mirror. You sound like a hostage in your home, and you do NOT belong in a lifestyle that, as everyone above has pointed out, is all about equality.

[sereneiders 263]

Besides the sound words you had so far, there's something I'd like to address here.

 

 

Will he find sex with another woman better than with me? Will he be more attracted to another woman than he is to me? Will she turn him on more than I do? Are these really stupid questions and feelings?

 

Those aren't stupid questions, and the fact is, it's possible that the answer for some or all the questions is yes.

 

Also, a relationship is a building made with the effort of the couple's parties. It is an investment that once valuated and threasured, no one would affrod to loose... beyond your deffinition for "love". In our case, we're also open to polyamorous relationships, i.e., we accept each other may develop feelings and love someone else as well, hence I focus on the building and our history instead of in the feelings, but either way, "love" or "the building" has nothing to do with sex nor the hability someone may have to "be better" than you in somre aspect of sex.

 

And I point out the some aspect here, because you certainly could find a woman more skilled in, let say, giving oral, than you, and it's ok. It would be scary if you meet a woman able to beaten you in every skill you have and all those things that your husband love about you.

 

As for me, I am pretty sure my wife can meet someone more skilled than me in certain activities (or more endowed, or more gentle, or more loving, or... whatever), but I doubt she could meet someone providing her the EXACTLY mix of skills I have... in fact, it's about self confidence: I doubt she'd be able to find someone able to provide a 10% from what she have from me.

 

And you phrased your questions as "will he... will she" istead of "could he... could she", as if the sole chance were to turn into a fact, and this allows me to suppose you may have some self confidence issue here. If you think it'd be easy for him to meet a woman able to provide him 101% from what you give to your husband, well... you two are in big troubles, wheter your swing or not, and swinging is likely to make this worst.

 

So, unless you're up to accept some "yes" to those questions, confindent that disregarding the answer it wouldn't undermine your relationship, then you shouldn't swing.

 

 

My husband tries to reassure me that nothing will change his love for me. He tells me that sex with someone you don't love is completely different than sex with someone you do and that I will always have his heart.

 

Right.

 

But he also says that I completely satisfy him and that no woman could be better than me

 

Mmmmmmm, even when you completely satisfy him, he cannot tell you for sure no other woman could be better than you (again, in some aspect).

 

Either he's taking the wrong approach to reasure you, or he's fooling himself. This is a wishfull thought, and wishfull thinking isn't a good advisor.

 

The same I told before applies to him. For sure there are women around able to be better than you in some aspect (again), and if you open the door to swing, it's possible that you'd meet such a woman. So, the question for him would be "IF he finds someone better than you in some aspect (again), would this affect his commitments with you?"

 

As I see this, he should be able to admit the possibility and anyway be sure about his commitments, in other words, that no matter how better an eventual playmate could be, it doesn't worth the price of losing you.

 

so I guess that leads me to ask "Why does he even want to have sex with another woman if he feels that way?"

 

And you hit the nail with this question, because a straight and honest answer should be: "to experience different things, perhaps allowing me to enjoy something I still didn't with you (and perhaps learn from it as we can enjoy it in the future), but since I love you and I want to be with you, I want to SHARE this experiece with you, and if there is "something better", whatever it is, to USE it to ENHANCE our relationship".

 

Again, it seems the reasurance you seek is about how "good" you are, how well you fit in his sexuality, when it should be about how strong your relationship is, disregarding if from time to time some of you turns to be unfit.

 

Would you stop loving your husband tonight if he doesn't make you cum during sex? Would you stop loving your husband if you ever meet a guy able to give you the orgasm of your life? I guess the answer is "no", and the same should apply to your husband.

 

Now, you said you've been togheter on and off during those 6 years. This is a warning, true, but the good news are: even when you meet other people in between, you ended up togheter over and over. It seems to the that besides the issues you two may have, there is a really strong, bullet proof bond between you two. I'd shift the focus form the sexual skills to that bond.

 

I believe you two have to talk a lot before attepting to swing, and be honest about your wishes, sexual fantasies, and the risk it could impose finding someone "better" than some of you (and this applies even to the MFM idea, as well).

[Chicup 42]

"All men want to have sex with other women....it's just the way we are".

 

There have been some great posts, that I have little to add to, but I'd like to expound a bit on the above.

 

I used to think this was true from a genetics stand point until I really studied it. Women cheat almost as much as men, and I'd guess that the reason men cheat somewhat more is they have more opportunity as a rule. Its something like 60% of all men have cheated and 50% of all women.

 

Whats somewhat scary is when they did anonymous DNA tests in england, something like 20% of all children were NOT related to the listed father.

 

So while its common to think of men as the philanderers, they are having sex with SOMEONE and quite often that someone is a married woman doing the same thing. As they say it takes two to tango.

[clutch 28]

It's intriguing that you and your husband have been apart a few times--and while apart, been with others, then gotten back together.

 

There would seem to be some kind of "cosmic draw" coming forth from each of you that compels you to be with one another--to wit an amazing desire for one another that makes it so neither of you can live without the other for any period of time.

 

And yet, when you're together, you seem to be on not only on seperate pages, but almost in entirely different books.

 

This is really fascinating to me! Sorry, I know that's not too helpful.

 

Concrete suggestion: Each of you take a pencil and paper and answer the following questions.

 

1. What do I want sexually for myself. Be totally honest. (variety? monogamy? cuddling only? different partners? same sex? opposite sex? animals?) Whatever.

 

2. What do I gut-instinct want sexually for my partner? (see above)

 

3. What do I think would make my partner sexually happy? (and by me saying it, doesn't for a second mean that I'd like it or allow it).

 

4. Which of my personal desires would I give up I love my mate?

all of them? none? overeating? marijuana? excess drinking? sex with others? phone sex with others? internet sex with others? my cat? dog? masturbating? soft swinging? picking my nose?

 

5. What would I be willing to allow/permit my mate to do because I love them? (see responses in question 4).

 

 

 

If you do this with pencil and paper, a) you're not arguing (at least out loud); b) you can calmly compose your thoughts [writing forces you to do this as opposed to talking (or yelling) which can often be totally non-producting because it is so infused with emotion. c) you can find out what your partner is really thinking and what they're about, and d) hopefully you'll start getting your logic, your goals, your dreams and your lives in the same book.

 

Most of us learn, as little kids, sharing and fairness. Nothing ever works if it's "all about me." When we mate, we choose to change from being a "me" to being an "us."

 

Good luck. Way to go for keepin on trying.

[twobears 16]

I want make this a long post,but you are at the right place to learn and to understand all that this lifestyle takes in. We started with a 3som and the female was suppose to be a bi female with experience well she was not and after the first time I cried afterward,cused at him for his thoughtlessness of me,not good. We talked it over calmly and as time went on and we studied the things on this board you will learn and can lead your hubby into a well balanced experience. The women are the leaders in this lifestyle I guess you would say,you never do anything you are uncomfortable about no matter how small,write down your rules,look at all sides of the coin. We are happy couple but you have to be able to really talk to each other and have a real trust in each other and a committement to your marriage first.

[iapr 24]

I have not read the other posts so hopefully this will be in line with what they said. DON'T DO IT!!!!

 

In order for any kind swinging situation to work the primary relationship must have a rock solid foundation of trust and intimacy, both parties must be on an equal power level and each must be in it for the pleasure and benifit of each other and you have none of that. What you have is a recipe for disaster. He is wanting to screw other chicks and wanting your permission to do it. And I am going to assume he wants to see you with other another woman whether you are bi or not. Any time someone does something strictly for the benifit of the other and they other person is not willing to even think about returning the favor it will end in diaster.

 

There are a number of men just entering the lifestyle that are leary about an MFM situation and that is because they are afraid the other man may not treat their wife with the honor and dignity they deserve. I am afraid the the reason you husband does not want to entertain the thought of an MFM is because he is afraid the other man will treat you nicely.

[prettylady 221]

Will he find sex with another woman better than with me?

 

I'm not sure better is the best word here girlfriend.

Different ya, that is a for sure.

The other weekend I saw Dog react HUGE to something our friend did to him.

I have made Dog react in many ways, but this was different. Insted of worring about does he like it better. I asked what she did. and now I am learning a new trick.

Your friend,

Prettylady

 

ps there are no stupid questions, exspecially when you are talking about your feelings and fears.

[aahours1 16]

NO question is stupid. But DO NOT do it cause your husband wants to do it , do it for yourself. That is the best I can tell you. Once you find it you do it for yourself then all the pieces will fall into place. But not till you WANT to do it.