My girlfriend is lonely, poly relationship the solution?

[eurotrash 15]

Due to my profession, I am away from home for a month to 4 months at a time. I'd like to just stay with her, but there's no work for a U.S. filmmaker in Paris. She can't travel with me due to health issues, money issues and her citizenship.

 

My girlfriend and I are very in love with each other. The separation is difficult, but she suffers the most.

 

Last week, after a heart-wrenching telephone discussion about how lonely she felt, and how hard it was for her to sleep in an empty bed, among other things, I asked her to find herself a lover.

 

The decision was a tough one. We aren't swingers. However, I don't want to lose her because she is lonely and feels trapped by our relationship, and I want someone to take care of her and her needs, whatever they may be, while I'm away.

 

I've never been with a girl that swings, but it is a fantasy of mine. In my mind, I accepted the fact that my GF would be with someone else. Instead of being jealous, I liked the idea that my GF would have someone to give her the some of what I can't while I'm away.

 

She was shocked. Then she accused me of proposing this so I could do the same. I assured her that I had no intention of being with anyone else. I want this to be like a gift of my love to her.

 

She's bi... In fact, she was thinking she was a lesbian before we met. While I was away a previous time, she'd had a sexual encounter with a female friend of mine. The two of them had gotten very close. They were drunk after a party and voila!

 

However, now she was against the idea. She wanted me, not someone else.

 

Since then, she's had our friend sleep over several times. Nothing's happened, but I know they kiss each other a lot. I feel so relieved that my GF is not alone in bed.

 

Then, she proposed that I find her someone. She didn't want to find her lover. So, I asked asked another girl I know, and guess what? She didn't even blink!

 

Of course, my GF was shocked again! She didn't think I would seriously do something like that! LOL! So far, nothing has happened. They've started writing emails to each other.

 

Now, the idea of my GF with other people totally turns me on, and I feel good inside knowing that she's not alone during those cold Parisian nights.

 

She's worried about where this will lead, and even thinks that maybe I'm just trying to get rid of her... to pass her off to someone else. (I can assure you that's not the case. I wouldn't propose this if I didn't trust and love her completely. I just want her to be happy until I can be there with her.)

 

Am I going about this the right way?

[Chicup 42]

Am I going about this the right way?

 

Sure if you want to be single.

 

Lonely is far different than just being horny. If she finds someone to make her not lonely and have sex with, guess what, she doesn't need you anymore.

[Guest Annaiis]

Then she accused me of proposing this so I could do the same.

I'm not surprised, since you've had a single male profile on SLS for almost two years (I just followed your "Home page" link on your profile here on SB) and were last on-line on SLS four days ago looking for "a couple or that elusive single woman" for a "menage `trois".

 

Edit: In the spirit of giving you the benefit of the doubt, I should say that if you're SERIOUS about loving her and wanting the best for her, I think you should change your SLS profile to reflect your loving relationship with your GF and use it to help find someone for HER. The first step would be to change your location to Paris.

[carlos_pchot 16]

Hello there, I think your issue it's not exactly swinging related, but still it's a good way to talk about it and receive some advice.

 

Long distance relationships are always difficult to handle, and you have seen why, it's something you have to talk about given the chance to be together both of you in the future.

 

If you won't find any way to be together soon, it's probably best to set the relationship in stand by and be on your own for both of you. It would be quite selfish to keep her in a long distance relationship like that and if you love her like you say, probably would be for the best.

 

Stay in touch, don't close yourself to the chance of being with her in the future, but it's better to be on your own, with any other people around. If you're meant to be with her, you'll get together again.

 

Take care.

[eurotrash 15]

Sure if you want to be single.

 

Lonely is far different than just being horny. If she finds someone to make her not lonely and have sex with, guess what, she doesn't need you anymore.

Isn't that what polyamory is about? Being able to love and be loved by more than one person?

 

I don't want her to need only me if it makes her suffer, or even feel like she is restricted to getting her needs, whatever they are, from me.

[eurotrash 15]

I'm not surprised, since you've had a single male profile on SLS for almost two years (I just followed your "Home page" link on your profile here on SB) and were last on-line on SLS four days ago looking for "a couple or that elusive single woman" for a "menage ` trois".

 

Edit: In the spirit of giving you the benefit of the doubt, I should say that if you're SERIOUS about loving her and wanting the best for her, I think you should change your SLS profile to reflect your loving relationship with your GF and use it to help find someone for HER. The first step would be to change your location to Paris.

Well, I'm in not in Paris right now, so my profile is correct.

 

However, it's true that I need to update my profile. I don't take SLS seriously enough to update it. I've never met anyone even when I was single. I was actually online to see if there were any girls in Paris that might interest my GF.

[eurotrash 15]

Hello there, I think your issue it's not exactly swinging related, but still it's a good way to talk about it and receive some advice.

 

Long distance relationships are always difficult to handle, and you have seen why, it's something you have to talk about given the chance to be together both of you in the future.

 

If you won't find any way to be together soon, it's probably best to set the relationship in stand by and be on your own for both of you. It would be quite selfish to keep her in a long distance relationship like that and if you love her like you say, probably would be for the best.

 

Stay in touch, don't close yourself to the chance of being with her in the future, but it's better to be on your own, with any other people around. If you're meant to be with her, you'll get together again.

Take care

Thanks for your reply.

 

I will actually be in Paris, where I still have my apartment, within a matter of days. We already talk everyday on the phone. Of course, we'll talk more once we're together.

 

I think, normally, I would agree with you and set our relationship in stand-by, but we both don't want that. In fact, our relationship blossomed after I'd left Paris. She was a friend with benefits who was seeing other people at the same time as I was seeing other people. However, after I left, for what I thought was going to be 1, 2 months max, she kept in constant contact with me... email, phone calls, IM, video chat, photos, videos. The distance actually brought us closer, and for me, helped filter out the distractions that prevented me from seeing what we had together.

 

I'm seriously OK with being apart from her. I'm on a mission. Part of my mission, now, is to bring us back together.

 

I'm also OK with her finding another partner. I think it's what she needs, and now that she's spending the night (w/o sexual contact) with our friend, I can feel that she's happier and healthier... although she still misses me and would rather I were in the bed.

 

It's simply a question of money that I'm not with her, as I am more flexible than she is when it comes to travel. As a filmmaker, I could (and did) live in Paris while leaving for short time periods. That time will come again. It's not like started working for the U.S. Postal Service with only 1 week of vacation per year.

[eurotrash 15]

I'm not surprised, since you've had a single male profile on SLS for almost two years (I just followed your "Home page" link on your profile here on SB) and were last on-line on SLS four days ago looking for "a couple or that elusive single woman" for a "menage ` trois".

 

Edit: In the spirit of giving you the benefit of the doubt, I should say that if you're SERIOUS about loving her and wanting the best for her, I think you should change your SLS profile to reflect your loving relationship with your GF and use it to help find someone for HER. The first step would be to change your location to Paris.

Ummm...

 

Just went to SLS. Do I have to register an new profile if I want to be a couple?

[Menage_a_Trois 182]

Euro,

 

To answer your latest question you can email tech support on SLS and tell them you want to change your profile from a single to a couple. I have done this and know it can be done. But they will not change the name.

 

As for the rest of your story here...being in a poly relationship ourselves we fully understand that when you love someone you want their happiness, whatever that may be. But one question I have is why you only seem to be searching for is a female friend for her. Why not a male companion?

 

The Menage's

[eurotrash 15]

Euro,

 

To answer your latest question you can email tech support on SLS and tell them you want to change your profile from a single to a couple. I have done this and know it can be done. But they will not change the name.

 

As for the rest of your story here...being in a poly relationship ourselves we fully understand that when you love someone you want their happiness, whatever that may be. But one question I have is why you only seem to be searching for is a female friend for her. Why not a male companion?

 

The Menage's

Thanks for your suggestion and good question.

 

I told her it could be a guy or a girl. She flat out told me she didn't want a guy. After all, she thought she was turning into a lesbian before she met me.

 

Once I was able to wrap my mind around the idea of not being jealous, and wanting her to simply be happy, and having her believe and understand me, I think our relationship has reached new levels even if she never finds another partner.

[eurotrash 15]

Well, she went and did it... with a guy.

 

BUT, she said she didn't enjoy it, and then didn't want to talk to me about it, and even lied about some things that happened.

 

I'm not happy that she's saying she didn't enjoy it, and that she didn't want to talk with me about it, and lied.

 

This is not what I wanted. She found let herself get picked up in a club. That's not what I wanted, and I was clear about this.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Thinking about this one for a while.

 

The title "My GF Is Lonely" is tough in a long distance relationship.

 

You can talk about the you can do this and you can do that or not do this or not that. I just think when it came down to it, you aren't there and she did what she felt like. She may have "lied" because she didn't want to talk about it to you at the time. She may have enjoyed it at the moment, but to tell you she didn't enjoy is a way of not upsetting you.

 

You have a hard road to run.

[eurotrash 15]

We just had a long, long discussion about this.

 

Everything is fine.

 

She can't believe that I'm okay with this, and that I'd even get turned on by it.

 

She was also afraid that by having sex with someone else, I'd use that as a reason to do the same... NOT the case.

 

Once she was reassured of those two things, I think our relationship just grew to another level.

[eurotrash 15]

The last time my girlfriend and I saw each other, we began to explore the fantasy of bringing another man into bed with us and her being with another man. It turns us both on. We even tried to go to a sauna, but it it turned out to be a dud.

 

I'm away again, but I've found a sauna that I think will be to our liking for when I return. So far, it's just been fantasy and play.

 

She wants this to happen as much as I do. She also wants to bring a girl into bed with us... mostly for her, but she said she'd like to see me pleasing the other girl without penetration.

 

A swinger couple from the U.S. visiting Paris wants to stay with us. That will be exciting.

 

All of this has brought us closer, made us more devoted to one another, and created an ambiance where we can tell each other anything.

[mackie44 15]

Eurotrash,

 

I just get the feeling that your girlfriend is more comfortable with women and may be simply depending on you to provide for her financially etc. I could be wrong but this is the impression I'm getting.

[eurotrash 15]

Eurotrash,

 

I just get the feeling that your girlfriend is more comfortable with women and may be simply depending on you to provide for her financially etc. I could be wrong but this is the impression I'm getting.

Interesting.

 

Why do you think this?

[Kilauea 15]

I'm glad to hear it worked out for you, but it sounds to me like you may have broached the subject without enough grace. Then again, I only know how it was brought up to me so I don't know how most people can have the discussion (I don't know if I could ever bring it up myself).

 

Again, congrats on the success.

[eurotrash 15]

How was it brought up to you?

[empedocles 15]

Pick:

 

Your job or your girlfriend

 

You don't seem to be in a position to have both. What's more important to you at this stage of your life?

[Soapbubbles 15]

My husband works in the oil field so I have lots of long lonely nights. What I do is find an adult chatroom, and get on the webcam. I still have to go to bed alone but I don't feel ignored and I'm sexually satisfied by the end of the night. Of course, I'm into exhibitionism so it works for me.

 

I think being away from hubby for so long makes us even closer when he gets back. The missing him is almost worth the wonderful feeling I get when he comes home.

[Tom4Fun 15]

Due to my profession, I am away from home for a month to 4 months at a time. I'd like to just stay with her, but there's no work for a U.S. filmmaker in Paris. She can't travel with me due to health issues, money issues and her citizenship.

 

My girlfriend and I are very in love with each other. The separation is difficult, but she suffers the most.

 

Last week, after a heart-wrenching telephone discussion about how lonely she felt, and how hard it was for her to sleep in an empty bed, among other things, I asked her to find herself a lover.

 

The decision was a tough one. We aren't swingers. However, I don't want to lose her because she is lonely and feels trapped by our relationship, and I want someone to take care of her and her needs, whatever they may be, while I'm away.

 

I've never been with a girl that swings, but it is a fantasy of mine. In my mind, I accepted the fact that my GF would be with someone else. Instead of being jealous, I liked the idea that my GF would have someone to give her the some of what I can't while I'm away.

 

She was shocked. Then she accused me of proposing this so I could do the same. I assured her that I had no intention of being with anyone else. I want this to be like a gift of my love to her.

 

She's bi... In fact, she was thinking she was a lesbian before we met. While I was away a previous time, she'd had a sexual encounter with a female friend of mine. The two of them had gotten very close. They were drunk after a party and voila!

 

However, now she was against the idea. She wanted me, not someone else.

 

Since then, she's had our friend sleep over several times. Nothing's happened, but I know they kiss each other a lot. I feel so relieved that my GF is not alone in bed.

 

Then, she proposed that I find her someone. She didn't want to find her lover. So, I asked asked another girl I know, and guess what? She didn't even blink!

 

Of course, my GF was shocked again! She didn't think I would seriously do something like that! LOL! So far, nothing has happened. They've started writing emails to each other.

 

Now, the idea of my GF with other people totally turns me on, and I feel good inside knowing that she's not alone during those cold Parisian nights.

 

She's worried about where this will lead, and even thinks that maybe I'm just trying to get rid of her... to pass her off to someone else. (I can assure you that's not the case. I wouldn't propose this if I didn't trust and love her completely. I just want her to be happy until I can be there with her.)

 

Am I going about this the right way?

 

Nope. Better step up to the plate and give some attention. Otherwise, you will find out that the idea that - "in absence the heart will grow fonder" is a bunch of BS. Good luck.