How to deal with jealousy from the other spouse

[Darkblue 55]

How do you all deal with a jealous spouse?

Cut and run???

We have met a great pair who we get on with really really well we chat and flirt and of course call each other everything seems to fit well, I like the guy, he's a good lad and we get on well, he's not stupid and is a policeman.

They are also new to swinging and we are their first pair.

They have never had sex with anyone else and have been married 15 years..

Anyway,

We met up and had great time (softswap) his wife went off like a rocket (which is what I wanted) so did he with my wife, they both had an "O" my wife and I didn't (she told him she did as he was concerned that he wasn't good) but that wasn't a problem for me or her as we knew they were inexperienced and I wanted her (his wife) to enjoy her first time swap, anyway afterwards it turns out he had kept looking at her and wasn't concentrating on my wife who was getting miffed and kept trying to keep his attention focused on her, he did admit he was jealous but also enjoyed seeing his wife have fun so we discussed this and he promised he would work on it..

We had fun for about 4 hours and it was good fun.

Now the problems start a few days later he started asking "Are you in love with my wife?" to which I did tell him I find her nice and very attractive and no I am not in love with her and I wasn't looking for another partner and I was more than happy with my wife,after a day of this he says ok he accepts that and is happy.

A few days later he´s tells my wife that he isn't happy about me flirting with his wife so much and that she wants to go fullswap with me and was I interested. (he's asked this 6 times so far and every time I give him the same answer" (yes if that's what she wants but I don't expect her too go full swap.)

Now remembering that he chats and calls my wife when I am at work and sometimes in the evenings,he also sends her sms, I have no problem with this at all as I am told everything that goes on.

I get to chat with him and tell him I will cool it down as I didn't want to cause any upset,he then turns around and tell me "No it's ok, carry on as she loves it" and cant wait to get on the pc when she see´s I am online..

The next day he starts with why do I also outclass him in anything that he does? Well what do I say! We had been chatting about shooting and I told him that I was a very good shot and that we would have to get on a range and have a competition between us(all in fun and to me harmless banter)i was in the army for a long time and I am a good shot,he is policeman and he says is also a good shot!

So I stop the harmless banter in all aspects..

Now he's come up with that I chat to his wife too much and his wife thinks this too, now when I am on msn I very rarely click on them I let them do that (90%) I don't force her to chat to me and I don't have a problem if she says she doesn't have time etc.

I told his wife that I don't know if I coming or going as one minute I am told its too much the next that I shouldn't stop chatting/flirting etc..

Don't forget he chats to my wife and calls her etc...

He seems to be the only one who has a problem,she does support him in some ways by saying well it is too much but then when I say ok then I will slow things down or stop flirting she says, "No dont I like it, so please carry on as before"

It seems he is the only one who has a problem and to be honest we are getting fed up with it all. We are also new to swinging and don't have that much experience ourselves...

What do you guys think carry on trying to support him to get him over his jealously or have I misunderstood the guy?.. I don't think I have though.

It would be a shame to lose them because of him they are really nice peeps but are the worth the trouble and the hassle?

We are due for a club visit soon and my wife and I know very well that she will most likely want to go fullswap but what about him? Will he throw a fit? If we do! Who knows!!

Thanks in advance

Steve

[jon&roberta 18]

I would cut and run from them as fast as I could. He has too many issues and it will only lead to trouble in the future

[Nudesailing 16]

I agree with jon and roberta, he has too many issues and needs to get over them if they want to continue, you are not his therapist so let them go.

[pumpkins1970 17]

Thank you for the enjoyable evening together, but we don't think things are going to work out for us.

[Better Half 15]

Run, really run, but nicely. Don't want to make a policeman with 'issues' really too upset.

[SuAndBud 23]

We have a not too dissimilar situation.

 

Su and I have enjoyed a few threesomes with a male friend.

 

He's since met a lady and has broached the subject of her swinging with us. She says she's all for experimenting and has always wondered what it would like to be with another girl as she knows Su is bi-curious. She's also pretty upfront about her desire to experience Bud as I'm considered to be "well-hung".

 

We chat together a lot on the phone and via MSN.

 

The chat often gets quite steamy (we haven't actually swung together as a foursome, yet, just at the discussion stage - trying to sort out acceptable behaviour, limits, rules etc.)

 

He has recently been making comments that I (Bud) get a little too raunchy at times and that while it's OK with him, his lady finds it disconcerting.

 

My own observations are that it is she who pushes the limits (she even tries to get me on-line or phone texting without him at times). My friendship with him goes back too far and is too important to me to engage with her without the knowledge and participation of him and Su (apart from which, if it was a one-on-one affair I was seeking, I could do that anytime and not have the worries of such being too close to home. Besides, an affair is the last thing on my mind. We are a package deal only as far as I am concerned).

 

I have subtly asked her if she is ever uncomfortable with my chat style. She denies it and is always making it plain what activities between her and myself and her and Su she wishes to engage in.

 

I'm really thinking that either it is he who is getting jealous of the thought of what his lady and I might do to each other when we do meet (don't forget that he has already had the pleasure of doing some pretty wild stuff with Su - Double Penetration, Double Vaginal, Deep Throat and Spit-Roasting Nb. I think the American term might be "Finger-Cuffing"). He's even had a completely solo session with Su in the bedroom after I fell asleep following a threesome in the lounge one evening. This was without my knowledge until the next day, but I was unconcerned as if it was what Su wants then she has my blessing.

 

An alternative to the above is that she is provocative in our virtual company but then seeks to reassure him by making out she was being led rather than being at least equally explicit in our chats.

 

I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. She wants the chat to be pretty racey (complains of being bored when we're not talking sex), yet he complains that it is too intense and that it is she, not he, who feels this to be so but only says so privately to him. One thing that we have noticed is that she never appears to include him in her fantasies and plans - just me and Su (and especially me).

 

We're sincerely close to calling the whole thing off and I have hinted at this to them both at which they have become almost beside themselves in assuring us that there isn't an issue. But guess what? A day or two later, the same issues begin to be raised privately by him to myself and we're back in the same loop again.

 

Life's too short for all this nonsense at our time of life. As Su always says "You a long time in the box".

[Darkblue 55]

@SuAndBud

God do I feel for you and I guess I know how you feel even though we are not as far as you, the thing is this guy doesn't tell me, he does it through my wife, he tells her knowing that she will tell me....I would much prefer it if he came directly to me,neither of us, my wife and myself want to call it a day as we do like them and even though he is a policeman I am not worried by him throwing a wobbler at the club as I can handle myself very well and he knows that so I don't think he would get heavy handed..but it would spoil the night and the wife has also said if he doesn't give her 99% of his attention she will just leave him and come and join us...

 

but it does play a lot on my mind...

 

Thanks for your replies  peeps..

[Tybee Swing 286]

Darkblue said:

We met up and had great time (softswap) his wife went off like a rocket(which is what i wanted) so did he with my wife, they both had an "O" my wife and I didn't (she told him she did as he was concerned that he wasn't good)

 

The next day he starts with why do I also outclass him in anything that he does? Well what do I say! we had been chatting about shooting and I told him that i was a very good shot and that we would have to get on a range and have a competition between us (all in fun and to me harmless banter). I was in the Army for a long time and I am a good shot, he is Policeman and he says is also a good shot!

 

Hi Steve,

 

I think that very competitive men (like this guy appears to be) tend to be just as competitive when they swing, which makes it very not cool for the other people involved. Swinging is no place for that kind of competition. "Am I as good as the other guy?" "Is that guy pleasing my wife a lot more than I do?" "Does his wife think I am as good as him (or better)?" "Is his dick bigger than my dick?" "Is he lasting longer than I do?" "Is he more of a MAN than I am?" (in a million different ways), and on and on, to an obsessive degree. Boring!

 

The fact that he asked you if you are in love with his wife is showing how new they really are. You said that this was their first swing experience and they've been married for 15 years. I'm sure they're in a transitional newbie phase right now. We were all newbies once!

 

As for whether you two keep seeing them, I guess it depends on your levels of patience (you and your wife), and how interested you are in this couple. If you can see him calming down eventually (soon) and could see everybody learning how to be cool with this after you all get to know each other better, maybe stick it out. Do you think you could have a guy-to-guy talk about the competition thing? If you could and if it works, maybe things could work out for you four.

[Darkblue 55]

Tybee Swing said:

I think that very competitive men (like this guy appears to be) tend to be just as competitive when they swing, which makes it very not cool for the other people involved. Swinging is no place for that kind of competition.

 

Funny you should mention that as that's just what my wife said as the other lady is quite loud and I admit I did do my best to please her and she did get loud and he did mention that she is loud with him but not for as long! now I didn't take much notice of this until you just mentioned it.

 

I don't see swinging as a competition and I enjoy the person as you say maybe he does! Well worth another thought "thanks".

 

We do get on well with them and we would like it for things to work out for us all,she is fine as is my wife but he just seems to find thing to have a go at me

 

I think the wife and i will have to have another long talk on this and see what we want to do.

 

Thanks you have given us another avenue and some new thoughts to follow up on.

[Irishsakura 17]

First I would like to advise anybody that is new to this lifestyle should always look to pair up with people that have experience.

 

The moment you feel uneasy in any type of situation that is your cue to end it right there. NEVER ignore that instinct. Please please please gently end it with that cop. By the sound of it he really has no business being in this lifestyle. It seems to me that he is self centered and controlling as well as being competitive. Give us an update and take care.

[Tybee Swing 286]

Darkblue said:

We do get on well with them and we would like it for things to work out for us all, she is fine as is my wife but he just seems to find thing to have a go at me

 

It does sound like a control/competition thing with him, then.

 

It reminds me of a conversation I had with a guy friend not too long ago. This friend is on AFF, but he's not a swinger (he's a single guy just looking for women there). He told me that he's pretty sure he couldn't swing because he "needs to be the only dick in the room". He was just being honest, and I respect that. I'll bet that a lot of men feel this way. But, when a guy like your cop friend goes into a swinging situation (2 couples) and still acts like he "needs to be the only dick in the room", he really should NOT be swinging. That's his problem, not yours. You and Susanne aren't responsible for fixing this. Too bad for the cop's wife! She'll be missing out on a lot of fun if her husband can't let the competition thing go and just relax and enjoy.

 

Darkblue said:

I think the wife and i will have to have another long talk on this and see what we want to do..

Thanks you have given us another avenue and some new thoughts to follow up on..

 

Good luck! I hope you let us know how it turns out.

[good times 991]

I hate to say it because it usually results in unnecessary bashing around here, but in your original post you listed off a few reasons why we tend to be hesitant when hooking up with newbies. The not paying attention to the partner he is with and the issues you relate are not uncommon with newbies. Like the others said we would probably end up taking a pass on future play with this couple. If we really liked the couple we might confront them with our concerns with the hope we can work it out, but in our experience it never happens. We have yet to ever have a good experience with someone that we had issues with in the beginning. The sad part is that if this couple continues swinging they will probably get over these problems with time as they become more experienced, but by that time it is water under the bridge and it just doesn't seem to work out that you can go back and play with them again.

[interested-05 135]

Good comments by everyone here. And since you have more experience than we do, It is worth listening to. Competition in the bedroom is a bad thing. When sex means winners and losers, everyone loses.

 

That being said, if you like them as a couple, call a timeout, diplomatically tell them that while you enjoy them and the time you spent together, you are uncomfortable swinging with them until they become adjusted to the lifestyle and the relationship issues couples have to accept. When the comfort levels return for everyone, which includes his comfort level, give it a year or more. While they made be initially offended, if they learn anything from this, it will have been well worth walking away.

[clutch 28]

I have just one thing to add to this deep well of experiential wisdom; you will get to the point where you can almost see it coming and back off the first evening before you get in too deep.

 

Also, and alas it's true, but your same couple may start swinging with another couple and none, I mean absolutely none of the same drama takes place with them and the new couple.

 

"Why?" you may ask.

 

I'll tell you why. It's just a chemistry thing out-of-kilter. The guy sees something in you that sets him off that he doesn't see in anyone else.

 

Luck fellow--it may help to think in the long term and imagine all of the great experiences still ahead of you.

[prettylady 221]

I will just say two things (who am I kidding I never stick to just two things)

 

First GOODTIMES: I am a newbie and proud to say, I didn't pull the drama queen thing. That was my biggest fear going into this. I have never had a jealous streak, but watching a boyfriend flirt is very different then watching the love of your life have sex with another woman. I held my cool, I was not threatened or hurt. The couple we were with commented on how well I dealt with the situation being it was my first time. I am proud of me

 

It is true about chemistry. I love the people we were with, the chemistry was most definitely there without a doubt.

 

Just to add to that. I did meet one woman who as soon as I saw her my back got up. I hadn't even spoken to her yet and I was already taking a wide birth of her. Then at dinner I was sitting next to her and we hit it off 100%. I would put her on my best girlfriend list in a heart beat (if I had a list like that). Now the idea of swinging with this couple is intriguing.

 

There are all kinds of people out there. It keeps life interesting, but I could do with out some of the personality issues. Some people would be top notch if only they could control that inner beast that makes them...well, scary.

 

I did it I said I would just say two things and I said two things. Ok plus two small side notes, but they were small so all is good

[Darkblue 55]

Well it always seems to happen to me!! Our first couple she had a problem with us and these are our second couple who we have played with and we are having the same sort of hassle again, my instinct does say cut and run but the other side in me says try to work things out at least give him a second chance as he does seem to recognize his problem with jealousy, which is a good sign but as some have pointed out the competition thing (I hadn't looked at it that way). We haven't, had the chance to talk (wife and I),  my daughter has just given birth so other things have been on our mind.

 

But i am taking in all your thoughts and we will discuss this through but I think we may end up trying a second encounter and see how he is but we will have to decide on that together as I am no way going to enjoy myself if my wife isn't having fun as well.

 

Thanks.

[Darkblue 55]

Just an update. This is an longish read...

Well things haven't gotten any better, we went to their house for a vanilla meet and met their kids etc. We all had a great time (no play of course) she (mrs c) was in a good mood and things were nice but the guy (mr c) was really tense and you could see it a mile off, now considering there was no play expected or wanted he was really uptight.. Well we left after a few hours and I do admit it was otherwise a nice evening... We did ask him what was wrong and he said he was tired!! Yeah ok I really believe that!

The next day she was online and was really really nice towards me and she she said she had a great evening and it was really nice to meet us on a normal basis and was really looking forward to our club visit and was telling me that we were going to have loads of fun and not to worry about mr c.

Well I was, we come as a pair, susanne and I both of us have fun not just one of us..

Well I have been on 3 weeks vacation and I did spend most of my free time on the pc and for some reason she would ignore me or just say "Hello" nothing more in any chats we were in or even if I came online she would go offline (msn) or go out of the chat altogether, so eventually I had, had enough and asked what was going on,she said "Oh nothing I hadn't seen you in the chat or I had to go offline and do this or that!!!! Yeah ok!!!! Anyway all of a sudden she´s chatting to me all the time??? And all so very nice as well.

Quite a few other minor thing´s had been going on, nothing serious other than I asked if mr c was satisfied now that I wasn't in love with his wife! He said he still wasn't sure about that??? That was the last straw for us.

Well because of the previous goings on I had been avoiding a certain chat room where she is a lot as I didn't want her to think I was following her around...Anyway after a lot of talking to my wife about the things that had gone on, I decided to call it a day with them as neither of us were too happy about he way things were progressing and felt I couldn't go into any chat and be myself,so because my written german isn't good enough to explain things in a chat room,so what I did was to put things into an email etc. And to tell them that I no longer wanted to swing with them and that I didn't want to go into details(dont want to put all the blame on him even if that's where it is) well they came online and must of read the mail as they were very quiet then the tabbed us on msn and we chatted normally and then it came " were very sad" oops I thought they have read the mail...

Well they wanted to know why as they had no problems with us etc!!! No problems with us?? That's news to me!! Well after about two hours trying to get things across (telling the truth and the reasons why) I gave up and said good night, the next day it starts again but in the middle of an open chat, now I am an open person and dont care who knows what but nether the less I went into private mode and I could still not get it through to him anyway to cut a long story short I gave him a short list of why's and why not's and they were quiet for a while but they are started to try to get at us by saying he didn't like the oral sex anyway, well guess what neither did the my wife!!And that's the main reason why I dont want to swing with them,she wasn't having any fun at all...

So now we wait to see if anything else develops with them...

Well we said sod this and went on a date to a club with a couple we met via the casa chat(swinger club chat) and guess what if was fabulous, we all had a great time with no worries at all and why! Because they were the same as us,wanted fun without stress and wanted a great time and we had by all, my wife is no longer bi curious but bi and loved every minute of it!! So did I watching :d

Well we have a second date planned for tomorrow and were looking forward to it a lot so things are looking up and now I realize why a lot of swingers do not want to play with newbies, just too much stress at times...

Many thanks to you all who have answered the previous thread and offered advice and you were all right cut and run is always the best option.

Thanks.