Husband played with female friend after I said not to

[transplantdbrit 15]

Hello everyone. I'm new to the board, but not the lifestyle. My hubby and I have been swinging off and on for about 10 years. It has always been a wonderful experience for both of us. That is until now. We have always had our rules firmly put down, and neither of us broke any of them. Not even stretched them to be honest. You know, same room, full swap okay, singles okay...yadda yadda yadda. For us absolutely no secrecy. Always together and involved. Unfortunately this has now changed.

 

A couple of weeks ago my husband made a huge mistake with a girlfriend of mine that we had had some fun with numerous times before. Now, we have taken a break from male partners or couples because we are/were trying to add to our family. I did become pregnant, but unfortunately lost the pregnancy at just shy of 6 weeks. The miscarriage happened on Monday two weeks ago. My girlfriend came over to hold my hand while I cried and to let me blather on and try to feel better. That night we were sitting on our bed and I had another good cry with my hubby and girlfriend present. I had taken a RX pain pill and it knocked me out after that. We're talking a tornado couldn't have woken me! Unfortunately sometime around 2am my husband and my girlfriend had sex in my bed with me out like a light. To make matters worse, no condom was used and she was ovulating. Now, we also have the condom rule in our swinging (before anyone asks).

 

The next morning I actually said thank you to my hubby for understanding my feelings and not doing anything last night. How foolish I feel right now!!! Honestly, I did make myself very clear where I stood as far as fun went, especially on that particular night considering what had happened. My husband didn't bother to say anything to me about his activities. Three days went by and I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone. She told me like it was some big joke. The "oh gee..hahaha...I thought he would have had sense enough to pull out". I asked her to please clarify what she was telling me. She did and I was completely stunned. So much so that I actually fell down. So not only did they have no regard for my feelings about losing the baby, they risked her becoming pregnant.

 

I have no idea how I am supposed to feel right now. Sometimes I think I'm okay and can get through this. Other times I want to scream. You see, the reason we are having such a difficult time having a baby is because I am a cancer survivor. It's a miracle I was able to become pregnant in the first place. I guess I felt the loss more than he did. Her period is due this week. If she is expecting, I think I might actually go crazy.

 

Please help me...someone...anyone! I don't care if you have to tell me to do a back-bend and say Buddhist chants. I will take any and all advice to heart. Thanks in advance and I'm sorry this is so darn long.

[prettylady 221]

I am sooo sorry for your loss and the betrayal you have just endured. I have no words or wisdom for you. I am sure someone will be able to give you some comfort.

 

Have you spoke to your husband, told him how you feel about what happened. I would, if I were in this situation, want to know what in God's name was going through his and your gf's head. That was just a really stupid thing to do.

[The Fuse 1,012]

This is an awful thing to have happened between you and your husband at this time. And even though your girlfriend is involved, ultimately it's still between you and your husband (unless she's pregnant, which we hope is not the case).

 

It sounds like there's a lot of love, trust and communication there at almost all times, so hopefully this huge mistake (your phrasing and it sounds appropriate) will be an isolated one. I'm going to assume that normally, your husband and your girlfriend have your best interests at heart and wouldn't do anything intentionally to hurt you.

 

You have both suffered a terrible loss. You had lost a baby and were grieving. He was grieving. You were both vulnerable, which I'm betting is a big factor here. Your girlfriend was there for you and for him, and has been a sex partner in the past. Everyone was weary, and you were unconscious from pain medicine. Your husband made three huge mistakes, not just one. He had sex with her, he didn't use a condom, and then he didn't tell you about it afterwards. Absolutely unacceptable.

 

Have you talked about it with him? Found out how, in his mind, he made it okay when it happened? People do have lapses in judgment, and sometimes they are as big as buildings. I know I've had several. When grief is so raw, I'm sure it's tough to resist sex as comfort. When emotions are so heightened, it would be easy to ignore the need for a condom. None of this would make it okay. But it might help make your world a little more sane.

 

I think part of what makes the betrayal of a loved one so hard to deal with is the feeling that your world isn't built on what you thought it was. What do you hold on to? What's real? If these mistakes are really something you can trust won't happen again, and your husband is really who you think he is, then you can still lean on the things you've built up to this point.

 

This happened two weeks ago, and you found out a few days later. What's happened since then? Your husband should be working harder than ever to help you get over this betrayal that occurred at what seems like the worst possible time, on top of losing your pregnancy. He should be proposing ways to make sure you can trust him.

 

Back-bends and Buddist chants won't help. Figuring out how this happened might help... but having a plan going forward and being able to trust and rely on your husband will help most of all. Until you find out if your girlfriend is pregnant, this should be your focus.

 

Good luck and please let us know what happens.

[transplantdbrit 15]

Thank you so much for your kind words. To answer a question both of you have asked, yes I have spoken to my husband about it. His reply to not telling me was that he felt very badly at what he had done. Evidently he actually left our bed once the deed was concluded and didn't come back to sleep. I honestly believe him and that fact that it was just a mistake that isn't likely to ever happen again. Unfortunately, it seems my gf may indeed be expecting. Her period is due to start Thursday, but she has been feeling very green for a couple of days now. There are other symptoms of pg as well. I'm nervous and seem to be unable to just move past this right now. Thursday can't get here fast enough! I told her to go the the store and get one of those early (5 days before your period) tests. She is going to but she has said that she is fairly sure she already knows what the result will be, as she already has one child. Honestly, the timing was just too perfect. If she is the woman to give him a child and not me, what the hell do I do? I could not continue my marriage and I know this. The insult would be too great. Could somone please smack me up-side of my head and make me cheer up a tad? My husband has not been reacting very well to my emotions. There have been some very ugly words between us. I have never felt this way, and now I understand why the little green-headed monster can be so strong. Jealousy was never a part of my nature before now and it is throwing me for a loop.

[subtoMistressT 22]

No one needs to smack you upside your head, sounds like you are doing that to yourself already. I am sorry for your loss and hope that all goes well for your situation. I would say it is time to take a break from everything and sit back, relax, take a few deep breaths. And by all means, communicate, communicate, communicate with each other.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

I'm going to speak up when I think a new person with a false, first-post story shows up on the Board.

 

There are so many holes in this cheesy soap opera story.

 

People sometimes sign on to the Swingers Board on a day they are bored and looking for a good laugh at the expense of the great SB members who are ready to offer help and advice.

 

I don't like seeing this happen.

 

LM

[transplantdbrit 15]

OMG! I can't believe you are actually considering that I have made this up! Yes I stay at home and take care of things, no I am not bored and needing to fill up the time in my day. The entire reason I posted to this particular forum was because it was the one that came up on Google. As far as my lifestyle and the subjects that arise from it, I figured that many like-minded couples would have some wise advice for me in my current situation. Thank you very much for your input, but you are very wrong indeed. Now, if you don't mind...have you any constructive advice for me?

[tribbles 490]

Sorry about your loss.

 

And sorry you aren't even paying attention that it is NOT your loss alone. Your hubby lost too. His dreams died as well. So you have a g/f over and her and DH are there for you. After you crash, he is still hurting from the loss.

 

I think it hurt him way more than you realize and need to wake up to that.

 

It made HIM vulnerable to breaking all your rules and acting out with your g/f. Why the hell didn't SHE demand a condom? Why did she allow the sex between them? You seem mad at him but not at her.

 

I suggest you really find out from your DH what he is thinking, what he wants and how he hopes to proceed.

 

Maybe he wants to be with you but also does want a child. You have the chance to give him that child....by letting him be a daddy to the child he may have fathered with your friend.

 

Find a counselor who is swinger/poly friendly and all three of you need to go. Cognitive Behavior Therapy is getting good remarks on other boards I go to.

 

I know this isn't the 'normal' way to answer this but I've found all the 'stinking' thinking people do about their needs vs their partners to really screw people up.

 

Get a book by Albert Ellis, PhD and work on it.

 

Good Luck

[transplantdbrit 15]

Good point. I had actually thought of that. I realize it isn't conventional, but it might work. I'll pick up that book you suggested and have a good read. It will give me more productive food for thought. Thanks for everything.

[Chicup 42]

OMG! I can't believe you are actually considering that I have made this up!

 

I don't blame likeminds.

 

Ok so you have a miscarriage, and with a pregnant wife I know how devastating that would be.

 

Then he has unprotected sex with your friend who isn't on birth control and doesn't even pull out while you are drugged.

 

Then she laughs about him not pulling out?

 

Now she seems to be pregnant?

 

And you are worried about being jealous?

 

You will have to understand why such stories seem to bring a touch of disbelief on the internet. It sounds far more suited for Jerry Springer.

 

So maybe this is true, and if it is my condolences on your loss and your impending divorce, but the bs meter is pretty high on this one.

[SuAndBud 23]

Oh get real guys.

 

 

and: :christmas

 

To the Original Poster:

 

Get a life.

 

'scuse me Admin....can we have a "Get a life" smilie sent up?

 

Thanks.

[blondie77 17]

Okay, I realize most of you have been here a lot longer than I have and I don't normally get involved with things like this....but seriously...even if the OP is a troll...waht if she isn't? What if...what IF this situation is really happening to her? This is a person who is obviously hurting and just asked for help. I thought this board was supposed to help people, to give advice, to offer assistance. If it turns out to be a troll, well, so be it. But perhaps by treating it like it's real, you might actually have the opportunity to help someone who IS going through something similar. I'm sorry to ramble on, but this really hit a nerve with me. I don't like to see people ganged up on, and the story doesn't sound that unbeliveable to me, soap opera or not. I think telling someone who comes in with a problem to get a life isn't very tactful or nice. Troll or not, it makes other posters like me wary of posting very often for fear of getting flamed. Just my opinon.

[blueguitar 15]

Okay, I realize most of you have been here a lot longer than I have and I don't normally get involved with things like this....but seriously...even if the OP is a troll...waht if she isn't? What if...what IF this situation is really happening to her? This is a person who is obviously hurting and just asked for help. I thought this board was supposed to help people, to give advice, to offer assistance. If it turns out to be a troll, well, so be it. But perhaps by treating it like it's real, you might actually have the opportunity to help someone who IS going through something similar. I'm sorry to ramble on, but this really hit a nerve with me. I don't like to see people ganged up on, and the story doesn't sound that unbeliveable to me, soap opera or not. I think telling someone who comes in with a problem to get a life isn't very tactful or nice. Troll or not, it makes other posters like me wary of posting very often for fear of getting flamed. Just my opinon.

 

DITTO!!! I am new to this board too, and I have felt secure in knowing that people will give me real feedback, and respect what I have to say (unless I act disrespectfully). Even if this person was making this up, and I have no place to say whether she is or not, I think it is callous and insensitive to both the OP and others reading the post, who may or may not be in hard to believe situations. One of my good friends was telling me the other day about something that happened to her on the bus on the way home from work. She was sitting there next to this man, with his two kids. The guy was totally out of it, zoned out, messy, and not paying attention to his kids. The kids were being loud and kind of a pain. She wanted to ask the guy to quiet his kids down a bit, but decided it wasn't that big of a deal. The kids came over to her and were playing a little close to her, at which point the dad asked the kids to come play near him, and quiet down a little. Then he turns to her and say, I am really sorry I wasn't watching them closer, we just came from the hospital, their mother just died. She gave her condolences, and got off at her stop. Moral of the story (for her) was that people have no business assuming ANYTHING about another person. You just never know what someone else has gone through, or is going through. It may sound fake, it may even be fake. But, for her (and I), to be a good human being means giving support and advice where it is asked for. If it is a fake situation, and you give support and love and kind words, you may lose a bit of your time, but someone will take consolation in your words even if it isn't the intended. perhaps you will persuade the prankster through your kind words not to act that way anymore. Either way, you don't lose anything.

 

I don't mean to lecture, but I just wanted to stand up for this woman, be she real or a fake. Someone out there is going through a situation like hers, and they may look here for advice. Do you want to present an unwelcoming, closed, hurtful face to those that come here for help?

 

Okay, steping down from my soap box now. :whiteflag :whiteflag lets love each other (not to sound cliche) instead of contributing to intolerance and hate.

[SuAndBud 23]

To Blondie and Blue,

 

Your comments and thoughts echo my (Bud's) own precisely at the time I was new to this and other boards and I respect your stance on this.

 

I, too, hate to see people being "ganged-up" upon (unless it's in a horny concept - lol). I have seen this happen to what I'd consider genuine Posters on both this and other boards, I believe I have been the victim of board-bullies myself (it's not a comfortable situation). On one occasion, I was privately (not publicly, on the forum, you note) actually asked to cancel my membership of a board if I were not prepared to either support the majority view or at least shut up on a particular subject. All I and Su had been doing was offering our opinion on that topic. We had not purported our opinion to be fact but had made it clear that it was simply our opinion. This was still not enough for other board members and the board's Admin, it was a case of "if you're not with us then you must be against us" attitudes prevailing. Bullying and ganging-up on people is not nice and is very cowardly.

 

But, when you've been reading the board for a longer period of times, it gets easier to spot a "Troll".

 

The simple solution, one would assume is to ignore that thread and that is exactly what is often done.

 

However, the Trolls' motives are known only to the Trolls. Mostly it appears to seek to promote discord within the board. Sometimes it may be to raise a discussion based upon a theoretical (though unreal) situation, the Troll might genuinely believe that help and support is being made to someone who MIGHT at some point face the fantasy situation that has been raised. This makes the Trolls feel good about themselves. Your own responses that, whether real or not, what harm is there in assuming it to be true and engaging in discussions with the Troll/OP used to be in full agreement with my own. I couldn't see the harm in it at first. The reason I now believe it's wrong includes (but is not exclusive to) the following:

 

The board and it's members are not here to make a Troll (or anyone else, for that matter) "feel good about themselves". It's also a pretty patronising and superior stance that the Troll is adopting in second-guessing that someone who might really be in the described situation is incapable of seeking their own advice and help on the matter. That's not to say that members of the board can't reassure someone and help them feel good about themselves if they have a problem or a perception that blinds them to reality (like when you got that pimple on your chin the day of your Prom and no-one else could see it but to you it seemed to glow in the dark and appeared to be the size of a basketball when you looked in the mirror). Many of us need occasional reassuring that we're not wrong or weird or wicked or undesireable or whatever (especially if a member of The Lifestyle). The board members here can be extremely good in helping people who have no-one else to turn to at such times.

 

You are both right to say that the OP might be genuine.

 

But in this case, I'm pretty sure that's not the case. This isn't a court of law. Neither guilt nor innocence can be proven (just as well, really, cuz OJ is innocent - right?) .

The reason that responses to a Troll thread is described as "feeding" is because, like a Troll, the more it is fed - the hungrier it gets.

 

It consumes the time (such as mine now, well done Troll ) of board members that could be better spent helping genuine posters (or even washing the dishes) or maybe even having fun - now there's a notion!.

 

The Troll story gets progressively wilder whilst the Troll "strokes" the ego of those respondents who either haven't spotted the BS or are willing to give the benefit of the doubt, in order to elicit their support. This can often lead to the "discussion" becoming an "argument" and can cause rifts between board members and sides being taken. It's not pretty when that happens and it's not healthy for the board and it's members, either. Many Trolls "out" themselves as such at the moment of their choosing. When they get bored or when they realise that their game is nearly up. At this point the Trolls slither back into their cave, exhaulted by their "victory" and intoxicated on their "intellectual superiority", but simply pathetic to all but themselves.

 

However good the intentions (even the intentions of the Troll, initially) and however well-thought out and considered the advice of those who tried to help solve the poor Trolls "dilemna", those who did try to help are left feeling foolish and can become reluctant to offer future help, lest they are going to end up feeling used and foolish again (now that can't be a good thing......Can it?).

 

Got no time for Trolls, but found it quite cathartic to get that lot off my chest (thanks Troll ).

 

I would like to hope that for me this subject is now closed but doubtless the Troll has once again got it's way and bickering will shortly break-out beween the Boardies.

 

Finally:

 

In the unlikely event that this is not a Troll thread (and indeed that OJ is innocent) or if despite it being a Troll thread, there is anyone who is genuinely suffering from this or a similar dilemna, believe it or not you have my sincere and genuine sympathy and I wish I had the ken to offer some words of comfort and advice. I don't, though, except to say the guy's a dick - as is your "friend" (but in mitigation, who shares a bed with your swing partner/s and then expects temptations not to occur)?

 

Sincerely, Bud.

[lovinher 505]

Wow! I can't believe some of the responses here. Why is this story so hard to believe? It may be a troll, it may not but why so quick to make that call? All you have to do is read some of the threads in here to realize people do stupid, cruel and unbelievable things all the time. Wouldn't it have been better to give the OP a chance to respond a little more and then make your decision? I mean this person wasn't really given the chance. Swingers of all people shouldnt be so quick to judge. Isn't this what some accuse the vanilla world of doing in regards to swingers? Save the speech in how swingers are just like everybody else. We already know they are.

 

When I first started coming to this site I had all kinds of "out there" questions. Things like scenarios, what if this and what if that. I held back because of things like this. I now know I'm better off trying to find my answers on previous posts which is NOT a good thing for this site. Without new questions and scenarios this site will go nowhere and stagnate with the same out shit over and over. I used to think swingers were more open minded than the population in general. I now know they just as close minded, judgemental, and condescending the rest of the world and in many cases worse. They only difference is swingers like to fuck people other than their SO.

 

So now I imagine a newbie reading the responses here and not posting a question or situation because they are worried they will be hammered as the OP here was.

Even if this was a troll the way it was handled was wrong because now we will probably never know.

[Alura 2,775]

Concerning the "troll situation" I will say that trolls are a real bother and we who have been here awhile find them tiring. Sometimes we become jaded and are too quick to categorize unusual posts as bullshit. In this land of democracy, though, I feel all those accused (OJ included) should be considered innocent until proven guilty. Then we can pounce on them.

 

Transplantdbrit, Mrs. Alura is also a cancer survivor, having recovered almost miraculously in the recent past. Our hearts go out to you for both your struggle against cancer and the loss of your child. We will appeal to the Great Spriit for your continued recovery and your ability to become pregnant in the future and carry the child full term.

 

As my late uncle, Blind Bear, was fond of saying, "Shouldadones don't count." What's done is done, cannot be changed, and is only valuable as a tool to be used for learning.

 

Sex is a great therapy for deep sadness. It's not surprising that your husband took advantage of familiar territory to help him cope, and even sleep, a bit better. Try to understand his weaknesses, for which you must surely love him as for his strengths.

 

The child your friend may be carrying is faultless. Love him/her as much as you would your own. Love your friend like a sister.

 

You've worked too long and too successfully at a fulfilling marriage to throw it away for one night of weakness. Build it into an even stronger part of your life.

 

Please keep us updated.

 

(BTW, I lived in London (Shepherd's Bush) for awhile. Where are you from?)

 

Mr. Alura

[MoonLightKiss 28]

bickering will shortly break-out beween the Boardies.

 

 

.

 

Looks like it has started already. :surrender

 

To the OP: If your story is true, then you have my condolences and my sympathies. Its tragic to suffer through a miscarraige when you are walking a path that says you will not ever get pregnant. Its nearly cruel, because when the test comes back and says yes you are pregnant...you get your hopes up. And to be betrayed by the one person you needed to hold your hand is even worse.

 

HOWEVER, my personal feelings are on the fence with this thread. I also see where the others are coming from. This thread does have that, oh whats the word...extreme drama that lends an air of disbelief. Many of us here have been burned by proven trolls with very similiar drama filled stories. This board is littered with trolls saying "Someone got pregnant, yada yada."

 

And new swingers shouldn't be afraid to post. There is a big, and I mean HUGE difference between, "I am new, what if" and "It really happened." We all have what if scenarios that run through our mind and some of them scare us to death. By talking about the what if's we can avoid the problems. But when you bring a story and say it happened that is so drama filled I feel like I am watching Sammy Brady on DAYS up to her old tricks, even I tend to see why the word troll is being said.

[lovinher 505]

Life is full of drama. Without it, things would be pretty boring.

[transplantdbrit 15]

Hello everyone.

To answer the question of where I'm from. I was born in Oxford, raised in Brackley. Now on to the subject at hand. For those of you that have deemed me a "troll". I can honestly say that I am not. I now realize that first posts asking for advice in highly emotional situations are not viewed well by many of the long-term members. Before now, I never had need for input from strangers on my marital situation. Of course to become a member to this board might have been quite a bit of fun, not to mention a place to meet other couples. As it is now, I am turning to all of you as like-minded adults, for some advice on my situation. I do realize this is a bit soap-operaish, but genuine never-the-less. I have read everything all have had to say. For those that gave some good ideas and insights, thank you. For everyone else, I'm sorry that you have come by some with less than honorable posts. Play devil's advocate if you must. If you have something to offer, please by all means tell me.

 

As things stand at home right now, my hubby and I have had some communication. He explained himself and I listened. As far as my gf goes, she called me yesterday, but not much was said. I'm not sure what to say to her. I know I can forgive them both, and screw-ups are all a part of the human condition. I just have to wait things out to see if she is expecting. Yes, for the person that said it wouldn't be the child's fault, I whole heartedly agree. Also yes, his chance to be a father is valid too. My husband loves me and does not want me to leave. I love him and don't want to leave. We must all hope for the best, but prepare for the worst in life. Unfortunately, I'm not sure which scenario fits which bill. I don't want to be selfish and hope for no baby, but I can't help but feel jealous at the thought of her giving birth to his baby. I have been doing quite a bit of soul searching about how I would honestly react to the latter. Unfortunately, I have it in me to have a marriage with swinging, but NOT for a true poly-amorous blended family. While sitting here writing my thoughts to all of you, it seems I have solved a bit of my own problem. Now to wait and see what comes. That will determine my next step. Thank you for the many insights, and I will post the outcome.

[flkeyscouple 21]

Thursday can't get here fast enough! I told her to go the the store and get one of those early (5 days before your period) tests. She is going to but she has said that she is fairly sure she already knows what the result will be, as she already has one child.

 

So, how did the early test come out. You said yesterday that she was going to do that. Did she?

 

Your jealousy is easily understood - having someone else having your hubby's baby... that's pretty hard to deal with. But as others have said, and you've already agreed, if she is pregnant and she does deliver, it's not the baby's fault. Does she have a hubby?? If so, how is he handling this?

 

Mrs. FLKeysCouple

[transplantdbrit 15]

She said she was going to take one but didn't. I said I would purchase it and she said okay. I have it, but she has not come over to take it. To answer the hubby question, no she is single.

[SuAndBud 23]

To answer the hubby question, no she is single.

 

So now we have a unicorn to go with the Troll, huh?

 

Nice one!

 

Did you meet her in Oxford, cuz that must've been long, long ago and far, far away from Florida.

 

No wonder the tale is Grimm.

 

Hark! I think I can hear a boy in the distance. He seems to be shouting something. What's that? Wolf, wolf?!!

 

Your husband's not Danny Kaye is he? (or was that Hans Christian, not Grimm who left his digit all night in the Dyke?).

 

Sorry, Sparky (he's my magic talking computer keyboard, dontcha know) sometimes seems to have a mind all of his own.

 

Anyway, hope you all live happily ever after.

[transplantdbrit 15]

Wow...you are quite harsh. At least you're literate. Sorry you have so little faith in others. You must have been really snowed by someone in the past. I will admit it is odd to have people you have never met verbally bash you for doing nothing wrong.

[tribbles 490]

So now we have a unicorn to go with the Troll, huh?

 

Nice one!

 

Did you meet her in Oxford, cuz that must've been long, long ago and far, far away from Florida.

 

No wonder the tale is Grimm.

 

Hark! I think I can hear a boy in the distance. He seems to be shouting something. What's that? Wolf, wolf?!!

 

Your husband's not Danny Kaye is he? (or was that Hans Christian, not Grimm who left his digit all night in the Dyke?).

 

Sorry, Sparky (he's my magic talking computer keyboard, dontcha know) sometimes seems to have a mind all of his own.

 

Anyway, hope you all live happily ever after.

 

 

If there was a 'report this post' button, I'd have hit it.

 

Okay, so maybe it IS a troll....YOU don't have to slam the OP without knowing and you could just use your ability to IGNORE stuff you don't agree with. A real troll will enjoy the shit you are stirring. If you ignored them, they would go away faster AND you wouldn't leave a bad impression in newbies and others minds.

 

I've been reprimanded for a lot less snark in posts here.

 

Your post Bud or Su, is over the top, IMHO.

 

No one is asking you to feed any poster you think is a troll...but let the rest of us do as we see fit without your negative input.

 

Swinging is about what works for each person....why isn't responding to posts also about that? Hmmmm?

 

S

[ANGEDKY(mr) 100]

If there was a 'report this post' button, I'd have hit it.

 

Okay, so maybe it IS a troll....YOU don't have to slam the OP without knowing and you could just use your ability to IGNORE stuff you don't agree with. A real troll will enjoy the shit you are stirring. If you ignored them, they would go away faster AND you wouldn't leave a bad impression in newbies and others minds.

 

I've been reprimanded for a lot less snark in posts here.

 

Your post Bud or Su, is over the top, IMHO.

 

No one is asking you to feed any poster you think is a troll...but let the rest of us do as we see fit without your negative input.

 

Swinging is about what works for each person....why isn't responding to posts also about that? Hmmmm?

 

S

 

It is there... as you are reading the post at the bottom left, just to the immediate right of the green (or grey) "Online" indicator, there is a tiny yellow triangle, that will allow you to report it.

[tribbles 490]

Thanks!

 

S

[transplantdbrit 15]

Okay everyone, let's not all get nasty. Personally I think we're all grown up enough to not dig out anyone's eyes. This message board is for those in the lifestyle and the issues, both positive and negative, that come up. I can handle someone thinking I'm a troll. The case is that I'm not, but it will never make any difference to someone that has their mind already decided. The last thing I want is for a difference of opinion to result in a written knock-down, drag out fight on a message board that is supposed to be an electronic safe-haven for adult friends.

 

For those that have given wonderful points of view and great advice, thank you. For the others that think I'm sucking the life out of the universe, you have the right to your opinion. Personally, I am sorry you think this of me. There is no need to further this topic as it seems to create anger. Take a deep breath and make nice. In my defense, I'm sorry that I was not a member of this forum before now. If this were the case, there wouldn't be the bashing.

[MoonLightKiss 28]

Ok, OK, I admit it, I will be the first one to join the "pounce on the troll" brigade. And there are times when I will even go so far as to call them a low life troll in many various forms. BUT I usually save those attacks for PROVEN trolls. Like I said earlier, the OP could be a troll...then again, its possible, even if its not probable, that there is some level of sincerity there.

 

But I got to agree with tribbles on this. Some of these posts are going way over the top IMO for something that has yet to be PROVEN. Su and Bud. Normally I find your posts to be well thought out, educated, and while they may not always coincide with my own opinions, respectful. But really, is it necessary to attack each other.

 

Su and Bud, you said it yourself that trolls come here and often find a way to provoke the members until they are squabbling among themselves. So why give into it if you believe this to be the case here? Why squabble with the other members here? Are these attacks on other members the very thing you purported to say you hated seeing happen here when trolls come-a-callin?

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

ENOUGH! is Enough! Folks. I've deleted a couple of posts from this thread due to their nature being purely that of a personal attack on another poster. That's simply not cool. If you have a problem with someone or with what they posted to you in any thread, report it to a moderator and we will deal with it. Do not bring it into another thread. It's very rare that I delete ANYTHING on this site other than spam, and I know this annoys some of you, but in this case I felt it necessary. Personal Attacks are not acceptable. If you have a problem with someone take it private and deal with it.

 

As for whether or not the OP is/was a troll. That remains to be seen. As someone else mentioned, why is it that the second a "what if?" question becomes an "it happened" thread we question it. If there are things we are so worried about happening then why do we find it so hard to believe that they could really happen? Actually, I think people question these posts so much because the idea that these events could really happen scares the crap out of them, because if it COULD really happen to someone else then it COULD really happen to any one of us.

[Chicup 42]

I think people question these posts so much because the idea that these events could really happen scares the crap out of them, because if it COULD really happen to someone else then it COULD really happen to any one of us.

 

No, this couldn't really happen to me, which is why I question its honesty.

 

I was just going to ignore this thread because I would have nothing but harsh words, true or not, but I did want to point out why Likeminds might have found this thread to be questionable.

 

If its true its not a swingers question really, the only question is 'do I find a lawyer'.

[lovinher 505]

So Chicup did you bother to read the first post? She did say they had some fun with this so called friend. I would call that swinging and it is relevant to her problem. The deception would have a little more sting to it if this was a vanilla couple. So what if a swinger asks a question that may not have anything to do with the actual act of swinging. There are all kinds of topics covered here that have nothing at all to do with swinging. I don't understand your hostility here and your post above says quite a bit about you.

 

You question the honesty of the post because it couldn't happen to you? Read that again...did you REALLY mean that? I have plenty to say but I don't know how to say it without being obnoxious so I'll leave it at that.

 

Sorry Julie for the personal attack. Delete away.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Okay, so maybe it IS a troll....YOU don't have to slam the OP without knowing and you could just use your ability to IGNORE stuff you don't agree with. A real troll will enjoy the shit you are stirring. If you ignored them, they would go away faster AND you wouldn't leave a bad impression in newbies and others minds.

 

 

Excellent comment.

[blondie77 17]

Okay, I'm almost sorry I started this...but for some reason this whole thread has really got me worked up. I've been on this board for a year now but I rarely post. I've gotten advice here via other peoples questions, but haven't had the nerve to start any new threads for a long time. Most of the advice given here is great, as are the people, and I admire a lot of people on this board.

 

I think the thing that bothers me the most about this whole thing is how quickly some people are to slam a person or start in with the "troll calling" and telling people how wrong they are for their opinons. Believe me when I say I have plenty of situations in my life that have felt "soap opera-ish" but I haven't dared to post questions for fear of attack. Maybe attack is too strong a word, but sometimes it does feel as though there are some posters who like to stir the pot as much as any troll. All I am looking for in this board is good sound advice, friendship, entertainment, and perhaps to learn a thing or two. For the most part I find that here. I am a very calm, easy going person, not shy, but reserved; always ready to let someone else do the talking. But I absolutely cannot stand all this negativity. I love this board and all it stands for, but it really leaves a bad taste in my mouth wehn someone who really COULD have a problem immediately gets "outed" as a troll and flamed so harshly. Is that really neccesary? I mean seriously...does it really matter if it's a troll or not? Does it really affect you THAT much? If you don't take them seriously, fine. Don't respond. Or call them a troll and leave it at that. But to go on and on? Why not just leave it as you think they're a troll and leave the negativity and harshness aside. Let the rest of us who believe (even if we foolishly believe) to comment and make fools of ourselves (like someone insinuated earlier), but at least we feel like we might be helping someone. To all you long time board members: I know trolls must get old after awhile and perhaps it is harmful to the board, I don't know. I haven't been here long enough to KNOW when someone is a troll or not, I'll be honest about that. But as someone who doesn't post very often (like myself) and to the "newbies" to the board, some of the harshness and "flaming" can be a little intimidating. I myself think sometimes that if I'm not witty enough or don't have a "plausible" enough problem that I won't be taken seriously. Perhaps we (the silent majority) don't matter much, but we're still here and we're still part of this board.

 

I'm sorry to go on and on, sorry this is so long, and sorry if I've offended anyone. I just needed to let my feelings known and I hope that you all won't think badly of me because of it. I just hope that perhaps we can all show a little more kindness in the future.

Blondie

 

PS...I don't mean to take this thread over and steal it from the OP...feel free to delete this or move it as you see fit.....

[SuAndBud 23]

blondie77,

 

I agree that some of the posts aimed at the Troll might appear harsh but, hey, that's life.

 

Some of the topics found here are quite dark. Some people pour their hearts out. Some confess to having fetishes and desires that might be considered stomach churning to others. Some of us have discussed abuse (including rape - and worse) that have happened to ourselves or our friends &/or loved ones.

 

Life can be "dark".

 

The Life style can be dark.

 

In the grand scheme of things, a little bit of board knockabout is no bad thing. Certainly makes for some lively (lol) posting.

 

Whilst no-one would want to see every thread turned into a verbal blood-bath, people do have different opinions and it is exactly these differences that makes one thread or another interesting and gives it long life.

 

How many threads have you noticed that start out quite interestingly and then just degenerate into a mutual back-slapping chorus of agreement amongst certain like-minded members? How mind numbingly boring is that. Bet you quickly consign that particular thread to the "been there, seen that - nothing left to say" pile to which you can never bother to return, much as most of us do.

 

There will be spats on the board (thank Buddha) because the contributors have differing opinions on a range of subjects whilst having shared opinions on a range of others.

 

The day everyone on the board is in complete accord with everyone else will be the day the board folds because it will mean there is only one (or maybe two or three or four, judging from my own observations) contributing members left.

 

Certain subjects raised are challenging, both morally and intellectually. Good. Helps keep the board alive. Food for the soul, really.

 

Yes it would be nice (horrible word) if we all loved each other. But we don't. The board is a reflection of real life, surely.

 

I have been accused (wrongly in my opinion) of personally attacking another member of the board. My personal take on that particular issue is that I did not attack so much as I retaliated as a means of defense to attacks I had experienced from that board member. My post in question has subsequently been deleted in order that other board members have no access to the evidence and cannot, therefore, draw your own conclusions. I have further been warned and effectively told to kow-tow to certain board members. It appears I have made the unforgivable mistake of not allowing one of the moderators to beat up on me as and when they see fit with impunity.

 

Now, THAT is dark. THAT is abuse. THAT should be of far more concern to the board members in general than the occasional life emulating rough & tumble that is bound to ensue when someone poses a question to which there are bound to be different opinions and potential solutions.

 

No doubt Julie will delete this post, too.

 

THAT is, indeed, a dark day for the board

[wyandly 15]

To the OP: I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. My advise is to pay no attention to any bickering or accusations on this thread. Instead, seek out other threads and read them to gain the insight that many of the contributing members of this board posses. You will find that this sort back and forth is not the norm, and that many people are truly able to help others with problems and issues that are very difficult talk about. I wish you luck in improving your situation, and in finding a solution that your are able to live with.

To the rest: Yes, i grew up with drama. Yes, i like the excitment that comes with drama. Yes, occasionly I read stuff here to see other people's drama, and get my 'fix'. But I also come here to read in amazement just how quickly, wisley, and maturely the members on this board are able to diffuse drama and break down complicated problems in a way that helps others heal (read: I love the insight). Although I know I shouldnt have expectations, this feeling of disillusionment is hard to shake.

I'm not trying to atack or defend anyone, as I happen to be very flameable (Warning to self: do not post anywhere near an open flame! ..should I have taken my own advise? we'll see). Im just saying that this kind of bickering sucks!

[Alura 2,775]

In May of 2001, when I discovered this board, one of the first posts I read was, "You are an asshole, (Screenname)!" "What a pity," I thought, "that such juvenile behavior exists on a board with such fine potential."

 

Nevertheless, I continued to read the posts. When I was invited to become a Moderator, I accepted, hoping to be involved in the effort then underway to discourage "flaming" in favor of courteous and respectful discussions.

 

The Mods on this board are dedicated to making this website to be among the (if not THE) friendliest swinger-oriented site available. We've come a long way and I, for one, am proud of our efforts.

 

It's important that we recognize the difference between a difference of opinion and unnecessary insulting posts. Differences of opinion are never chastized; flaming always is.

 

Now, Folks, can we please leave the discussion of flaming behind and get on with what we do best: helping people deal with challenging situations involving intermarital sexual relations?

 

TransplantdBrit, please accept my personal apologies for the off-topic turn this discussion has taken. As a Moderator, I should have been more alert and tried to turn the thread around earlier.

 

Mr. Alura

[prettylady 221]

So now we have a unicorn to go with the Troll, huh?

 

Nice one!

 

Did you meet her in Oxford, cuz that must've been long, long ago and far, far away from Florida.

 

No wonder the tale is Grimm.

 

Hark! I think I can hear a boy in the distance. He seems to be shouting something. What's that? Wolf, wolf?!!

 

Your husband's not Danny Kaye is he? (or was that Hans Christian, not Grimm who left his digit all night in the Dyke?).

 

Sorry, Sparky (he's my magic talking computer keyboard, dontcha know) sometimes seems to have a mind all of his own.

 

Anyway, hope you all live happily ever after.

 

 

I hope to good God that this op is a troll.

I would hate to be in a desprite situation feeling completely lost and confused and have this chucked at me.

I get raising the Troll flag, I even wondered myself. But damn this has been a really sad thread.

How about archiving this in the "oh my god we did not just say that" file.

I hope this thread dies, and dies soon.

Your friend,

Prettylady

[prettylady 221]

 

The Mods on this board are dedicated to making this website to be among the (if not THE) friendliest swinger-oriented site available. We've come a long way and I, for one, am proud of our efforts.

 

Mr. Alura

 

At the risk of being called an ass kisser.

I think the mods do a wonderful job of redirecting threads and keeping them honest.

 

OP I hope you find your happiness.

Your friend,

Prettylady

[lovinher 505]

How about we let this post just fade away. The poster was given some good advice and hopefully we'll hear about the outcome.

 

This was sad.

[Chicup 42]

So Chicup did you bother to read the first post? She did say they had some fun with this so called friend. I would call that swinging and it is relevant to her problem. The deception would have a little more sting to it if this was a vanilla couple.

 

Swinging is ancillary to the problem but, no its not a swinger problem per say.

 

So what if a swinger asks a question that may not have anything to do with the actual act of swinging. There are all kinds of topics covered here that have nothing at all to do with swinging. I don't understand your hostility here and your post above says quite a bit about you.

 

Which one would that be?

 

You question the honesty of the post because it couldn't happen to you? Read that again...did you REALLY mean that? I have plenty to say but I don't know how to say it without being obnoxious so I'll leave it at that.

 

I would say that Julies assesment of why some people think it is a troll is wrong. I don't know what got your panties in a bunch here, but whatever works for you. This is one of those posts where what kind of insight can you give?

 

So your husband knocked up a friend of yours on the day you had a miscarriage, and the only one that seems to care is you?

 

If it happened, get a divorce lawyer, but there can be no swinging perspective on this.

 

Not many swingers would laugh off not using a condom while ovulating and having someone elses husband ejaculate inside her.

 

Not many swinging husbands would act like assholes about doing the same.

[SuAndBud 23]

Chicup,

 

Although I generally respect your take on stuff, I've also felt the lash of your tongue (figuratively speaking) in the past and have not responded due to the fact that I figured you were entitled to your opinion. But that also means I don't owe you any favours, so am not "fluffing you up" here.

 

On this matter we seem to be almost "on the same page" inasmuch that you suspect it to be a Troll thread.

 

I know it's a Troll thread.

 

Sure as eggs. If I'm wrong (yer, rite) I'll never, ever, bother this board again and neither will Su.

 

I'm only disappointed that, perhaps because the Troll stooped to the depths of using the C word (that's cancer - not the four letter C word. Shame on you for posting at all, Troll, but double shame on you for that. You're a very sad person.) But a lot of other Board Members who really ought to know better and do know better haven't stuck their heads above the parapet here. Their abstentions have not gone unnoticed. If you ever want to know how low sick people will stoop, simply witness the suicide bomber in the school playground scenario. There are other examples, but you all get the gist.

 

One good thing that has been achieved from this thread its that we've taken it off of the Troll. We might be debating and even disagreeing, but at least it's healthier than feeding that damn Troll. Another is that the board seems a lot livelier today than it has done of late.

 

Julie seems to be very keen to demand that we don't "abuse" each other. Does that rule not apply to Trolls? Julie KNOWS this was a Troll thread yet allows said Troll's poison to infect and even chastises those who are subsequently infected! Incidentally, abuse can be considered a subjective issue (we're in receipt of some of your "private" rebukes, Jules, and have experience at first-hand of just how subjective. You'll note our lack of a "private" response to them. We can speak openly. We don't require any cloak of secrecy when communicating with your good self ).

 

I'd have expected a tad more care and consideration from someone so experienced in Swingers Board matters.

 

I'm disappointed in Julie (does that mean this post gets deleted now?).

 

By the way, it's per se (not per say) it's Latin dontcha know (but then I'm only 9 miles - not a continent - away from our Mainland European cousins and London used to be Roman Londinium - as you will already be aware).

 

Just thought you should know that.

[prettylady 221]

For the love of Pete, drop this already. Your post was true to yourself and that I can respect. But why the slam at the end? why the need to correct someones spelling or understanding of how things are pronounced or worded. You had my understanding(not that I agreed with you about Julie)up until then.

Your friend,

Prettylady

 

I am done here.

[SuAndBud 23]

PrettyLady,

 

It's called humour. It was never intended as a dig at Chicup. Quite the reverse, it was intended to put it all into some sort of perspective. None of this thread is really that important (least of all to the Troll O/P). That we should worry about something as pithy as a spelling error is testament to just how unimportant the rest of that War & Peace of a post I made was.

 

I thought the claim that you guys don't get irony was an Urban Myth.???

 

Chill a little.

 

Your English Friend.

 

Bud.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

You want public rebuke, I'll give you public rebuke.

 

Your posts aimed at AngeyKY in this thread did not belong in this thread or on this board. THey were completely personal attacks at them and served no other purpose to attack them. You have had an attitude many times and this was not the first time you were "warned" by the mods on this site. This is the LAST time, however, as you are working your way to soon being banned. Go ahead post again, because you are getting very close.

 

I'd love to know how you KNOW that this post was a TROLL post because I certainly do NOT know that it is a troll post, nor do I believe that it was a troll post after having a private conversation with the original poster where they expressed their feelings at how they were treated here - something that Trolls typically don't do. The OP did not deserve the treatment that they got here. I don't even have a problem with someone saying that they think a post was a troll post but there is a line that was crossed here when the attacks started on the OP and another line crossed when you felt the need to attack another user in regards to something completely unrelated to this thread.

 

Typically, myself and the mods try to deal with issues behind the scenes, through PMs. We rarely feel the need to call people out publicly and try to save that as a last resort.... 1 step shy of wishing you farewell from this site. Now, you are at a point where you can do one of two things, either start treating other users of this site with respect or leave (either by your own choice or not).

[LOL_OMG 130]

Just read the post and all the bleh bleh's after and I would like to get back to the ORIGINAL post. I don't believe this is a swinger issue, because as you had stated you and the MR always did things together. What happened the night in question is that you were passed out and he basically cheated on you, which I'm sure hurts. Of course he was probably grieving and upset and seeking solace, but that doesn't change the fact that you two weren't "playing".

 

I don't know your relationship with your hubby or your girlfriend, but I do know that in life you can make things better...or worse. How much are these relationships worth to your life? I would guess both quite a bit. I would take that into consideration when things unfold...for yourself, your husband, your girlfriend, and possibly a child who may need you all.

[prettylady 221]

I have a great sence of humor. Have you read my posts, any of them?

If you have then you would see that I am fun and wity.

Perhaps with the heat of this thread and the fact that sarcasm does not traslate well in type, you should not have made an ironic statement.

I am the first Canadian born to my family. The rest were from Kidderminster England. The midlands, being from the UK I am sure you know of the midlands. So rarely is British humor lost on me. But I did not see any there. Like I said, perhaps it is the heat of the thread.

Sorry, I said I would not show my avatar here again, but I pride myself on my quick wit and sence of humor.

Your friend,

Prettylady

 

peace out

[cataryna 70]

Just read the post and all the bleh bleh's after and I would like to get back to the ORIGINAL post. I don't believe this is a swinger issue, because as you had stated you and the MR always did things together.

 

Okay I know I'm new here but I have been swinging and posting on our local swinger yahoo groups for a long time so I've seen and heard just about every question imaginable about things that happen in the lifestyle and I don't understand why people are saying this isn't a swinger issue. Obviously, by the OPs originally statements they have been involved in swinging, the events that happened the night in question very well may have an effect on their future participation in the lifestyle. The mere fact that she stated that they always did things together, but that he went outside of their boundaries makes it a swinger issue. Will she be able to trust him again in the future to not break their boundaries?

 

Whether or not this is a genuine post or not, the questions posed in it and as a result of it, are genuine and the suggestions offered very well might help someone else in a similar situation.

 

To the OP (or to others who may be in a similar situation) I understand why you would feel betrayed by your husband and friends actions...obviously your husband knew what he did was wrong which is why he did not tell you about it. I hope that you and your husband can work through the issues this has brought about. Continue talking to each other and sharing your feelings and remember than not only did you lose a child, but so did he. As for the child your friend might be carrying, love it as if it were your own. I saw that you mentioned that the friend is single...maybe she might be acceptable to being a surrogate mother and letting you and your husband have the child after it is born. I know it's not the same as a child from your own body, but if you and your husband want a child as bad as you say you do, than maybe it's better to accept someone else's child as your own then to not have one at all.

[transplantdbrit 15]

Hello everyone,

 

I see that it seems I am still a troll. Oh well I guess. For the member that has slammed me for using the "C" word. Honestly, shame on you. I survived 13 months of chemotherapy, and 130 rads of radiation weekly to make it. Going to the NIH here is the US was no picnic, but they did the job and I'm still kicking. If you would care to actually see the person you are slamming, I will be happy to let you. I can show you the before, during and after photos of myself if you'd like. As far as your personal take on my current situation, you have offered absolutely no help. Many other have, but you have been abusive and tasteless. By the by, the gf in question has started her monthly. I have said my part to her and have bidden her goodbye. My hubby is in the dog house, but we have come through so much during the course of our marriage, and will surely work through this too.

 

To everyone that offered perspective on my topic, thank you. It has been received with much gratitude. Now moderator, please close this thread as it is now pointless. Once things are worked out here, I will possibly be back to join in discussions of a much happier nature. Until then, take care of yourselves and each other.

Regards,

Transplantdbrit (Catie)

[MoonLightKiss 28]

I am glad things have worked out for you or at least some questions got answered. I am sure things will work out with your spouse as well.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

Transplant, I too am glad to hear that things have worked out for you in this situation. I do apologize for the treatment that you got here from a few, but please don't let that taint you view of the whole. I do hope that once you guys work through this (and I know you will) that you will join us here and share your thoughts on many other topics.