Wife not interested, but I am - what to do?

[seadog2063 15]

hello all:

 

here's a question I'm sure you've heard before but I must ask! I have been interested in the lifestyle since a groovy group experience back in 1987, early in my sexual career. Nowadays I'm a fairly happily married 43 yr old guy with 3 kids and a wife who has lost most of her sex drive: that's the problem. I know she's not interested in the lifestyle, but I still am! what to do!?

 

any advice out there?

[flkeyscouple 21]

Your scenario is the same as others have mentioned - but they ended up joining the lifestyle WITH their wife! A busy life can get in the way of a good sex life especially when the kids are young. How about starting by sharing some fantasies while in bed? Do you talk when you make love - and don't say you don't make love anymore - even if it's only once a year or once a quarter - do you talk? Take that chance to start talking fantasies - get more graphic as the fantasies progress. At some time (it may be YEARS, it may be MONTHS) bring up the lifestyle. If she says no, DROP it. But keep up with the fantasies and maybe, with luck, SHE will bring it up again in the future.

 

Just remember, this lifestyle is often based on the loving, open, committed and honest relationship between the husband and wife. From what I can see on this board there is a very small VERY small group of lifestylers that will support a husband swinging without his wife - it's what I personally call cheating, not swinging. So keep up the communication with your wife - even if it's one way communication now.

 

Good luck!

 

Mrs. FLKeysCouple

[seadog2063 15]

Thanks Mrs FLCouple:

 

I will give it a go!

[cpl36996 91]

But what kind of fantacy we talking about? 3-some or i want you dress up like a tramp?

[lovinher 505]

You have three choices:

 

Leave things as they are.

Talk to her about it and correct the underlying problem.

Leave her.

 

There has to be a reason for the loss of sex drive, either emotional or physical. Perhaps you should try to correct that problem before taking this further or even bringing it up. Otherwise you may just make the sex problem worse. Until that problem is solved, swinging or even discussing it should be out of the question.

[belgiumCouple 15]

Hey,

 

I faced similar problems about 2 years ago, much has happened since then (I may post that story sometime but feel a bit shy about it), but IMHO the secret and magic word is COMMUNICATION.... talk talk talk, openly about EVERYTHING.

It really worked for us, and while we haven't swapped yet, we've been to a swingerclub together 2x in the last 3 months and going again next month (something she wouldn't have considered before). She still has to grow in it (swinging in general, I just want to know how I can convince her to swap without pushing her), but meanwhile our 'private' sexlife in general has been great for the last 6 months! Actually I now have to beg her NOT to give me a blowjob, while before she wouldn't have touched my penis with anything else but her hand and vagina.

[MoonLightKiss 28]

I am gonna give this a shot in the dark. So if I am completely way off base, someone say so.

 

Seadog, most people don't "just lose" their sex drive out of the blue for no reason. There is usually something going on physically or emotionally or mentally for this to happen as someone said earlier. You say that you are 43, but not your wife's age, so is it possible that menopause, or early onset menopause is setting in? That might be a possiblility of a physical issue. My mother went through menopause starting in her 40's. And then again with 3 kids, she might just be exhausted by the time she gets to bed. With little ones, its tired physically, with teens and hormones running rampant in them, it could be mentally exhausted.

 

What about emotionally? Could there be issues going on here? Maybe your own sex life hit a rut and she fell into the "why bother" category, and now the only emotion you might share is a "see you later, love ya" and a perfunctory kiss on the cheek on the way out the door? Or maybe its another emotional issue all together.

 

Talk to her about it. Tell her you are feeling neglected because you love her and want to make love to her, but she does not seem interested and you want to know why. Tell her that whatever the reason you love her and will do what you can to help her through it. Sometimes just hearing, "I am here for you" helps open the door so she can share with you what is going on. But I would definetely not bring up swinging right now. Odds are if you do, she is going to feel like since she is not making love to you, you are going to find some elsewhere, and either she will 1. go along with it and in the end hate you or resent you for it, at which point divorce is going to look good, or 2. She is going to say no, and then possibly convince herself you are out there cheating even if you aren't.

 

Get to the root of the current problem which is the lack of sex in your own marraige and fix that before you add other people to it. It takes a strong, healthy marraige to make swinging work.

[iapr 24]

Ask yourself this question, are you truly interested in "the lifestyle" or are you just wishing you could have a happy and satisfying romantic and sex life again?

 

If you are truly wanting to get into the lifestyle you are dead in the water if your female partner is not on board. A married cheating single male is very much looked down upon in the lifestyle and you would have a much easier time just having an affair with your secretary like a garden variety cheaters.

 

If on the other hand you are just longing for some human contact and to have the feeling of being loved by the person you love there is always hope untill the day comes there is no hope.

 

Assuming there is nothing physically or biologically wrong with your wife if her sex drive has tanked it is for a reason. While conventional wisdom would tell you to search for the specific reason and correct it I am not sure that is always a good idea. The reason I say that is if you look for problems you will find them, and then you will find some more and then you will find some more. We all have problems and when you go looking for them they start to breed like cockroaches.

 

My advice is much more simple, forget whatever problems you two have and treat her "AS IF" everything was just perfect and you are madly in love with her and want to treat her as the queen you used to when you were first in love. Yes I realize she may be acting like a cold fish 24/7 but I believe to my core that darn near all women want to be romanced and cherished and want to have a romantic sex life. I don't think there is a married woman alive that walked down aisle praying that she could live out the rest of her days as a cold, bitter, celibate old sourpuss. What happens is people become that way because they let themselves get bogged down with all of life's problems and they start to focus on daily tasks and problems and stop behaving in a loving manner and then they lose that loving 'feeling.'

 

Then when they don't 'feel' all warm and fuzzy they assume it's due to shortcomings in their partner or that they are not in love any more or that romance and sex no longer have a place.. Thats bullshit. when you start getting bogged down with problems and issues that's when you need loving the most.

 

People think that actions follow feelings but the truth is feelings follow actions. Give her the right actions and behaviours and she will eventually reciprocate and the feelings will follow.

 

Maybe the reason she has become cold and distant is that she doesn't feel loved and cherished by you any more. she may even think that you are fantasizing about having sex with other women and having orgies and group sex etc etc (which you are since you are here and you said so ) so she feels she is inadaquate that you don't love her anymore. If you bring up swinging she will hand you the divorce papers the next day.

 

Regardless of what all the reasons are if you make an honest and sincere effort to show her through your ACTIONS that you still love her and find her hot and sexy and you still want her she will respond. Take action, you arrainge for a babysitter, you call and make reservations at the finest restuarant in town. Then call her and tell her to put on her finest dress and get all dolled up because you are going out on the town. On your date open doors for her, escort her into the restuarant on your arm. Hold her hand across the table as you wait for your food. Look her in her eyes and tell her how much she means to you and how much you love her. After dinner take her dancing and hold her in your arms as if she is the most precious object on the planet and you are not going to let anything happen to her.

 

When you get home light some scented candles in the bathroom and prepare a hot bubble bath and the two of you sit in the tub and you rub her shoulders while you sit and relax.

 

This is important, don't ask permission to do any of this stuff, don't keep asking her, "what do you want to do" (she'll just say that the laundry needs to folded and to quit being so silly) take back your masculinity and be a man and just do it. Forget all that feminist equality crap, women want a man who is a man and will take charge of the details to give his woman the attention she needs. There is a huge difference between an abusive, controlling asshole and a real man who can show his lady how much he loves her and anyone who can't tell the difference needs to stop watching Oprah.

 

Ok now here is the biggest part, remember this if nothing else, DO NOT mention sex or ask for sex or make it at all sexual. she will just think you are doing this to score a piece. Do this just for the sake of it's own reward and it's own enjoyment. Think romance and bonding, not sex.

 

Don't say a word or act pouty if you don't have sex. then the next day and every day afterwards look her in the eye and tell her you love and admire her and all she does for you and your family. When you walk by her run your hand lightly across her back. Hold her hand, lightly rub her shoulders for a few moments when you walk by. Run your hands through her hair and tell her how soft it is and how nice it looks. Rub her feet at the end of the day and set aside a period of time every day to just talk. It doesn't have to be about anything but just talk.

 

Do this consistantly every day and if she doesn't warm up and turn into a warm, loving and sexual spouse eventually then she truly does not love you or want you anymore and it is time to start looking into a divorce. But if you do this you will have a fighting chance at getting a love life back.

 

 

Ladies do you agree with me?????

[Tybee Swing 286]

Ladies do you agree with me?????

 

I couldn't agree more!

[sbjr3 17]

Ladies do you agree with me?????

 

Well said!!!

 

sb

[The Fuse 1,012]

Wonderful! A recipe for the best possible outcome.

[MoonLightKiss 28]

Skip my above post and take iapr's advice. He is absolutely right. I agree.

[sexychoclit 32]

I think that women have to become empowered in their own way. If you are having a problem and have lost your interest in sex, don't wait for a man to figure out the reason why. You have to open up and be willing to share your feelings with the man in your life. If you are not interested because you are stressed or too tired and he doesn't start to pull his own weight then you may be dealing with a man who doesn't care about your feelings and you might want to take a good look at your relationship. You have to decide whether or not it is worth being in the relationship or striking out on your own to find someone that you are more compatible with. If you are losing your desire for sex then there are some things that you can do and you should do some research to try to correct the problem.

 

Yes, romantic dinners, flowers and soft touches are all great, but does a man have to do this every time he wants his wife to be interested in having sex with him? That is so unfair.

 

As far as swinging goes, if she doesn't want to have sex with you I wouldn't even begin to bring up having sex with other people because she will only resent you and will not consent to it. If she does want to have sex with other people but keeps turning you away, then you have a totally different problem.

[Tybee Swing 286]

Yes, romantic dinners, flowers and soft touches are all great, but does a man have to do this every time he wants his wife to be interested in having sex with him? That is so unfair.

 

No, not at all. But many women never, or seldom, get this kind of treatment from their husbands. If I didn't get tender lovin' care, soft touches, that loving look from my husband, understanding from him when I need it (a true best friend who cares about my feelings), I'd probably eventually feel 'frigid' toward him, too. I don't want to have to beg or cajole him to treat me lovingly. A lot of women have to ask for it, and still don't get it. A lot of women get criticized. Women can tell when men aren't all that happy with them sexually and visually. Women can tell when men are more interested in other women than they are with them. These women aren't likely to want to jump into swinging.

 

A man who gives his love, affection, tenderness and words of appreciation on a regular basis is probably not usually the man who is dealing with a 'frigid' wife. Most women need and long for this. Not just the "flowery" stuff, either. I need to hear and feel from my husband that I'm sexy to him. For example, I love the way he looks at me, still checks me out at random times, watches my ass when I walk away, and just generally looks at me like I'm a hottie to him, even when I'm not all fixed up. If I get both tenderness and sexy attention from him (and fortunately I do), plus a connection with him that's best-friend-close, I feel I'm getting what I NEED from my relationship, and that makes me able to share and venture into other territories with him (such as swinging).

 

I think that swinging works for us as a couple because we get our NEEDS met at home (both of us), and the rest is just for fun, just something to enhance our already happy and satisfying relationship. Hope that makes sense.

[flkeyscouple 21]

Ladies do you agree with me?????

iapr, you said it perfectly! completely!!

 

Mrs. FL Keys

[candsinmadtown 15]

i am going to repeat what my therapist just told me the other day: Women need to feel appreciated and loved to have intimate, fulfilling sex with their partner, Men need to have sex to give those things to their partner...it comes easier for them (men) after the act...(snuggling up next to each other, saying "I love you", spooning, etc...)

 

and GOOD LORD...iapr...you are right on the $$$$$

[iapr 24]

If you are not interested because you are stressed or too tired and he doesn't start to pull his own weight then you may be dealing with a man who doesn't care about your feelings and you might want to take a good look at your relationship. You have to decide whether or not it is worth being in the relationship or striking out on your own to find someone that you are more compatible with. If you are losing your desire for sex then there are some things that you can do and you should do some research to try to correct the problem.

 

 

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT, AND IT IS COMPLETELY FALSE AND WRONG!!!!!

 

This is what is causing so many broken marriages, divorces and cold and unsatisfactory relationships. I am going to be sexist and point fingers here so keep in mind this is just a generalization. But women often get bogged down with the details and petty irritations and problems in life and then when they see the men in their lives aren't obsessing and being consumed by them as well they jump to the conclusion that the men don't love them or have respect for them and they begin to get bitter and pull away. The women then think that this must not be their soul mate otherwise they would see how much sacrifice she is putting into things and do his fair share. Then they start to get roaming eyes thinking that the real Mr Right must still be out there somewhere.

 

This is a huge trap and it does not have to be this way. This is not about dishes and laundry and picking the kids up from daycare. This is about feeling loved and appreciated and accepted by your partner. Look at it this way if you were a single parent you would have to do all that stuff by yourself anyway. What makes the difference is not how often a man helps with the dishes or the laundry it is about how much he shows you he loves and cherishes you and appreciates what you do for him and the family.

 

And for the men it is the same way. Men do not obsess over the details of daily life and don't give a shit if there is a dirty plate or two in the sink. A man wants to feel loved and appreciated by the woman he loves and a lot of that is through the physical contact and intimacy of sex as well as physical and romantic affection. If a guy is getting that we will go out and slay dragons all day and come home to the woman he loves.

 

That woman could be fat, hairy, wart covered and bald but if she shows him daily that he is her knight in shining armor he will step over naked supermodels writhing in baby oil in the front yard to get home to his beloved partner.

 

A man shows appreciation in different ways and women often don't see the signs of it because they are too bogged down with the details of daily life. A man shows his love and devotion by getting up every morning and fighting rush hour traffic to a job he hates so he can pay the rent and put food on the table. A man shows his devotion by putting up with screaming kids and diapers and puke. A man shows his devotion by keeping his pecker in his pants when he sees a hot chick. All of those things are concious choices he makes to keep his loved one by his side, those are not natural acts for a man. They may be expected but they do not come naturally.

 

When women cop this attitude of "he doesn't care for my feelings because he is not at my side doing what I am doing," She is trying to take away his masculinity and trying to turn him from a man into a girlfriend with a cock but then when she cops the attitude she doens't even want the cock. Once a women starts coming between a man and his sexuality that relationship is in a serious downward spiral. If a man has to choose between a cold, bitter, complaining cold fish of a wife or of having a romantic sexlife, he will choose the sex life. His choices are he can either take back his masculinity and start behaving like a man and in return expecting to be treated like one or he can start hitting on the blond bimbo at the office. The OP of this thread is at that crossroad and the advice I offered is geared towards an honest attempt at happiness at home. To give into to feminist propaganda of putting on the apron and be a chick friend with a cock is rolling out the red carpet for looking for a new mate and starting the viscious cycle all over again.

[sereneiders 263]

iapr,

 

I agree that your recipe is very likely to be efective, however... it is too much of a recipe for my taste. I mean, those ACTIONS you describe should come from your heart, and I don't mean to say that feelings precedes actions, but that this requires the "will for the awareness".

 

What you described is what a guy does ro conquer a woman, and he does so because he IS PAYING ATTENTION, he's making an effort to be aware of the woman desires, what she likes, what she dislikes, and so. And this awareness is crucial, because any guy may follow your recipe, setp by step, just to get what HE wants from the lady (for example, to score, to convince her about swinging), but the recipe ends up, and at some point the only recipe to follow comes from being aware of the woman feelings.

 

Why some guys just stop conquering their wifes on an every day basis? I guess, it's because they already have what they wanted, and they doesn't expect, nor want, anyhting better than that. They lose interest, their wife is there, whatever happens is given for granted... even if she turns cold fish (because of this, or because the same is happening for her). This isn't wrong for as long as both feels confortable inside the relationship, but the OP already claimed he doesn't feel confortable (and I'd LOVE to hear his wife side of the story here).

 

So, how advisable is to follow a recipe for him? He either loves her or he doesn't, he either care of her, or he doesn't. If he doesn't, then he's trying the shortest path to get what he wants (hot sex), while avoiding losing what he arealdy have (a wife washig his underwears afterwards). The guy is asking for advice on how to cheat on his wife inside a swingers party!

 

So, it isn't about giving him a recipe, so far it seems it'd be a recipe to score. We'd rater say "hey... stop talking with us, talk to your wife, look at her, pay attention to her, do you really care about her, about your marriage? then MAKE HER HAPPY, by fulfilling HER needs" (and not what we're gessing she needs, and less from a romantic biased perspective, even when it may work for may of us.

[iapr 24]

iapr,

 

I agree that your recipe is very likely to be efective, however... it is too much of a recipe for my taste. I mean, those ACTIONS you describe should come from your heart, and I don't mean to say that feelings precedes actions, but that this requires the "will for the awareness".

 

What you described is what a guy does ro conquer a woman, and he does so because he IS PAYING ATTENTION, he's making an effort to be aware of the woman desires, what she likes, what she dislikes, and so. And this awareness is crucial, because any guy may follow your recipe, setp by step, just to get what HE wants from the lady (for example, to score, to convince her about swinging), but the recipe ends up, and at some point the only recipe to follow comes from being aware of the woman feelings.

 

Why some guys just stop conquering their wifes on an every day basis? I guess, it's because they already have what they wanted, and they doesn't expect, nor want, anyhting better than that. They lose interest, their wife is there, whatever happens is given for granted... even if she turns cold fish (because of this, or because the same is happening for her). This isn't wrong for as long as both feels confortable inside the relationship, but the OP already claimed he doesn't feel confortable (and I'd LOVE to hear his wife side of the story here).

 

So, how advisable is to follow a recipe for him? He either loves her or he doesn't, he either care of her, or he doesn't. If he doesn't, then he's trying the shortest path to get what he wants (hot sex), while avoiding losing what he arealdy have (a wife washig his underwears afterwards). The guy is asking for advice on how to cheat on his wife inside a swingers party!

 

So, it isn't about giving him a recipe, so far it seems it'd be a recipe to score. We'd rater say "hey... stop talking with us, talk to your wife, look at her, pay attention to her, do you really care about her, about your marriage? then MAKE HER HAPPY, by fulfilling HER needs" (and not what we're gessing she needs, and less from a romantic biased perspective, even when it may work for may of us.

 

 

 

I agree with quite a bit of what you are saying but I do disagree with the use of the word 'conquer'. No man evers conquers a woman . I much prefer to see it as a give and take and we each have different things we have to offer and we each have different things we need and want in return. As long as every is getting in return what it is they require it is all good.

 

I also did not see anything in the OP saying where he said or indicated he was "uncomfortable" with his marriage. The question that I came away with and that I posed back on him was is it really swinging that he missed or was he just missing a satisfying romantic/sex life with his wife.

 

I do believe strongly with you in that the actions I described should not be a connect the dots recipe for getting a chick in bed but should be something that is sincere and from the heart. I also beleive that if people's, both male and female, needs are being met that they will gladly and willfully give of themselves to make their partner happy. The breakdown occurs when one or both feel that their contribution to the relationship is being taken advantage of and is too one-sided.

 

If someone is just using a connect the dots approach and is following a recipe to get someone into bed it will be rapidly apparent and it will backfire in pretty short order. A big part of what I was saying though is that we often fall into the trap of believing that we must have certain "feelings" first in order for us to show warmth and compassion and affection and if those feelings aren't there that we should turn a cold shoulder to the one we are supposed to love the most. Many often believe too that if those feelings aren't there then we aren't in love with that person anymore and that we need to leave that person so we can go in search of another person to find those feelings again. That is all bullshit, if we display the actions more often than not they will be reciprocated by the other party and feelings will follow actions rather than the other way around.

[sereneiders 263]

If someone is just using a connect the dots approach and is following a recipe to get someone into bed it will be rapidly apparent and it will backfire in pretty short order. A big part of what I was saying though is that we often fall into the trap of believing that we must have certain "feelings" first in order for us to show warmth and compassion and affection and if those feelings aren't there that we should turn a cold shoulder to the one we are supposed to love the most. Many often believe too that if those feelings aren't there then we aren't in love with that person anymore and that we need to leave that person so we can go in search of another person to find those feelings again. That is all bullshit, if we display the actions more often than not they will be reciprocated by the other party and feelings will follow actions rather than the other way around.

 

I agree 100%.

 

About the "conquering", you're right, as well. I am sure I'm able to rephrase that more accuratelly in Spanish.

 

What seems more interesting to me from your perspective, is the way you leverage the "romanticism" with the "bargain/trade" every relationship have, even if under the table. There was a couple of discussion in this board where servel people claimed you cannot look at your relationship as a "business transaction", and I bleieve you synthesized very well how both concepts are merged.