Performance issues - right reason or wrong reason to try swinging?

[gordonshemway 15]

I am very new to all of this, so please be patient with me. My wife and I have only talked about swinging a few times and we are unsure that this is something we would want to do.

 

One of the reasons I would like to experience this is to find out something about myself. My wife and I have been married for 18 years. I have not been with many women, since we married at a young age. I have had some performance issues in the bedroom lately and she has mentioned that I must be getting bored of her. I don't feel like I am, it could be just my age, but truely don't know. I want to try being with someone else to see if there is something to what she is saying. My question is: Is this a bad reason to get into Swinging?

 

I want to clarify to everyone that I am VERY happy with my wife, she is my lover, my best friend, and the mother of my children, but adding a little spice to our life might not be such a bad thing.

[Mr. Truelove 81]

People get into slumps. It happens. I think the solution to your problem isn't going to involve swinging.

 

Erectile disfunction happens...a lot. Heck I am 29 years old and I had issues the first time I played with someone other than my wife. And that was only because of nerves. Many things can influence erections.

 

There are also many other ways to add spice to your bedroom. Roleplay, fantasies, costumes, light bondage (or heavy if it's your thing.), new toys, swings, etc etc....

 

That being said, if you and your wife have an interest in swinging, then there is no harm in exploring your sexuality. But I would certainly dig to the depths of your current issues before doing so. You need to have a lot of open communication, and be very aware of each others true feelings. If you don't, and you do get into this lifestyle, those feelings will be magnified, sometimes not for the better either.

 

Her saying that you must be getting bored of her is telling me that she is placing blame on herself for your lack of performance. How do you think she is going to feel if you do get with another woman, and don't have any problems? I would think that would be a huge blow to her self esteem. That's not something I could do.

 

Work on your relationship with her, then look into swinging if you are still interested. That's my advice.

 

Mr. Truelove

[flkeyscouple 21]

You sound like lots of the swinging friends that we have - you love your wife first and foremost, and just want some added excitement. I don't think that's necessarily a bad reason to swing, although I do think that most of the couples we know have a great sex life at home. BUT... having said that I will also say that our sex life after our first swing session became even bigger and better! And we weren't all that sure that it COULD get better!!

 

So, I guess I'm saying that as long as BOTH of you agree to try it and have NO second guesses about it, it would be a great way to add some spice to your sex life!

 

Good luck!!

 

Mrs. FL Keys

[VegasLee 1,486]

I have only known a couple of people that said they tried swinging because of ED. They found it was the worse thing they did. Did nothing but make their problem worse and also played hell with their relationship with their spouses.

 

Besides having the ED problem on their mind they had to deal with all the nerves of being with someone new and the problem only got worse for them.

 

They had to try to figure out what the new person felt, how they thought, what they wanted from them.

 

You would be surprised at now many guys can not get it going in a swinging type situation.

 

One of them the first time out preformed like the Stud of the year. His wife felt like hell knowing now he had no interest in her. (That was not the case but women's minds will go where they want to in a flash) His second time out he fell off the horse and decided it was time to talk to his wife and maybe go see a doctor.

 

There is many reasons this could be happening. One of them might be your just thinking about it to much. More talking to the wife might help. Don't try it in the bedroom. Some afternoon get her on the living room floor and go for it. You might be surprised. Betting she will be also.

 

Swinging does not fix anything in life. It can make great things even better but it will never fix any problem for anyone no matter if it is with a relationship, mental or physical.

 

If doing things different with your wife does not work and it happens a great deal them maybe it is time to have a friendly talk with your doctor. Sometimes there are medical causes for ED.

 

Good luck. Hope you get it all back up and running!

[sereneiders 263]

As a thumb rule I'd say "avoid swinging if you feel you need to do it because of whatever reason".

 

But what rings my bell here is that about your wife thinking your issues are a consecuence of you being bored of her. Lots of guys have those issues, for a lot of reasons, so, why she's choosing arbitrarily one reason where to blame herself? And why you allow her to do so?

 

It is very likely that you'll have the same issues in a first swinging encounter: a lot of things are going on, you'd have a lot of pressure, and so.... do you think your wife would reasure herself by watching you have the same sort of issues with another woman? And, should you have no issues, what would be the effect on your wife?

 

Either way, I believe this would be an invitation for disaster inside your marriage.

 

Deal with your issues the right way: see your doctor. If there were something in your relationship leading to those issues, then WORK on them. Even if your wife were right, look for other ways to spice things up in your bed... and manage to do it the two of you ALONE.

 

In any case, DO NOT engage in swinging with a low self steem from ANY of you, because the low self steem usually involves very private issues, and involveing others arbitrarily to test is could easily feed it and make it even worst.

 

Work on your and your wife self steem, this will strenghten your relationship, and once there, ponder the whole swinging idea again.

[Lumina 16]

Her saying that you must be getting bored of her is telling me that she is placing blame on herself for your lack of performance. How do you think she is going to feel if you do get with another woman, and don't have any problems? I would think that would be a huge blow to her self esteem. That's not something I could do.

This bears repeating.

 

I don't know your wife, but is it possible that by suggesting you might be bored with her she may actually be asking you to show her that you aren't?

[gordonshemway 15]

First I want to say thanks to everyone with advice. I do think deep down, I felt the same way about waiting. I think we are a long way from swinging at this point for the fact that we are very conservative, shy, etc. One of the other reasons that I want to swing is that sex is good when we try new things, the more daring, the more thrill. Swinging sounds like the ultimate thrill and for how shy we are... well you get the idea. However, I have pictured ourselves after the first time and I get an uneasy tension in my stomach. I can't decide if it is nerves, excitement, or a sick feeling like I shouldn't be doing (even thinking) this. Any ideas?

 

Something I did not mention previously is that I have seen a doctor for my ED and have been prescribed Cialis for this. I guess I don't mean to change the topic, but I have found that the Cialis is quite expensive (even with insurance coverage). I tried an herb (I think it is an herb) called Yohimbe which works OK. Does anyone have any other Non-Prescription solutions? I just don't want the herb that I am using now to stop working through overuse.

[sereneiders 263]

Well, it seems to me that you didn't aknowledge the main issue we all pointed out.

 

Shyness would be the lesser of your problems if you ever swing: a lot of people is shy, a lot of swingers are, but one way or another the ice is broken.

 

Your wife TOLD YOU something EXTREMELLY IMPORTANT as to let it pass so lightly, she's blaming on herself for YOUR problem (even if as a way to tell you you're the boring one), and you ALLOW her to do it.

 

If your doctor prescribed Cialis for you an it worked, then the issue have nothing to do with boredom. Cilais (Viagra, etc) only enhances the chemical message an sphinchter needs to RELAX and let more blood run inside the peins, it doesn't gives you a hard on without any stimulation. So, if your wife bores you, it doesn't matter how much Cialis you take, you won't get such a hard on. However, the sole tought of having boring sex may be enough for that sphinchter to tense, leading to your performance failure.

 

Also, if you was prescribed Cialis, it very unlikely that you have a physicall problem. Whatever goes on, it happens inside the main sexual organ: your brain, and you shouldn't rely on those drugs on the long run to have sex with your wife, when you spent years having sex with her without those issues.

 

You two need to talk, and to talk a lot, about your desires, your fears, and find out a common ground from where to spice up things. And swinging, definatelly, isn't in the menu for you.

[Lumina 16]

Your wife TOLD YOU something EXTREMELLY IMPORTANT as to let it pass so lightly, she's blaming on herself for YOUR problem (even if as a way to tell you you're the boring one), and you ALLOW her to do it.

Yeah that.

 

That's all I have to add. lol

[gordonshemway 15]

Thanks again. More recently, our lines of communication are opening up. It is a work in progress. I have been trying new things and doing things to spice up the bedroom, but actually seem to be running out of new ideas (recycling some old ideas works well at times, too). Great advice, thanks.

[lovinher 505]

If your running out of ideas then you're not trying hard enough.

[OhioCouple 40]

Others have made some very good suggestions (Specifically in regards to ED) however here is another POV to look at.

 

I don't know if there is really a right or a wrong reason for contemplating swinging (unless it involves cheating), and I can only give you our version, which has had it trying moments at times - ones our marriage may not have made it through had not all else physically and mentally been in good shape. Our sex life was great (still is), neither were in our first marriage and we openly disussed it to death (so my husband would say) even though I was the first one that brought it up in a fantasy, never expecting it to become a reality. It did, and we enjoyed every moment of it, however we knew well enough when to back out when other critical events occuring in our extended lives needed our full attention. The stress of these outside events distanced us, sometimes both mentally and physically. All of which had nothing to do with swinging.

 

So maybe ask yourself, these things.

 

Is your overall relationship with your wife in good order? Can your marriage withstand a snafu here and there - which is more common than not in the new found land of swinging?

 

If you can't answer yes to the two above questions, then my advice is to not take this route in hopes of 'spicing it up'. There's nothing wrong with spicing up a sexual relationship, but it's best done when doing so based on mutual desire and understanding.

[prettylady 221]

If your running out of ideas then you're not trying hard enough.

 

Or way to hard.

Sex is fun, playful, and well.....fun.

You make it sound like a job that needs to be done.

Ever watch a kid play with a cardboard box. never seem to run out of ideas. They just play.

That is what Dog and I do. We play. the only time I was left wanting more was when we made a big plan and waited all week to live out a fantasy that just didn't happen, I was wondering what went wrong. But nothing did go wrong, we just went into a different direction. Fun was had with out working at it.

Relax, it doesn't have to be new and different all the time.

Your friend,

Prettylady

[lovinher 505]

Good point Prettylady. BUT, everybody "works" to make everything they do in life just a little bit better. We work on our marriage, we work to raise our kids right, we work at friendship. When we stop "working" at whatever it is we become complacent. Complacency brings boredom. Boredom brings resentment. New things should be done for funs sake and to keep boredom and all the things that go with it at bay. The thing is for us it seems to get easier. When you feel you HAVE to do different things to keep the excitement up it takes the fun and meaning out of it. For us new things just happen. Neither of us really plan things like "OK, what do we do next" It just happens. But we do work at it, we just don't look at it in that way or feel we have to. If you can't keep the excitement up then either you are not trying, working or whatever you want to call it, hard enough.

 

Back to the OP.

 

One thing really struck me that could be a major problem. You say you want to try this to see if she is right. Have you actually said this to her?!!! If you did...bad move and it's no wonder she feels this way. I'm sorry but it seems to me this all about you and your not exploring this as a couple.

 

So to answer your question. If your reasons for trying this is to see if she is right in that you are bored with her the I'll go against the grain here and say , Yes, it is a bad reason to swing. Very bad.

 

In no way am I saying you area bad guy or anything so please don't take my opinion as a slam. You did come here and to me that says you're trying to do the right thing.

[graygo98 148]

I have found that the Cialis is quite expensive (even with insurance coverage). I tried an herb (I think it is an herb) called Yohimbe which works.

 

From everything I have read Yohimbe does work.... but can have a number of undesireable side effects. One of them can be to raise your blood pressure. If your ED has anything to do with high BP then the combination could literally kill you.

 

Stick with the Vitamin C. If you can't afford it and feel you really need it there are chemically identical knock-offs produced in India and some other countries by regulated pharmaceutical companies. (Their laws are a bit wonky when it comes to intellectual property rights, particulary of westerners.) While this is not likely as safe as the real deal, and I am not recommending you go there, it is a probably a lot safer than a lot of the so-called "generic Viagara" or "herbal" concoctions that I seem to get daily spam about... you have absolutely no idea what goes into that shit.

 

Oh, as far as your original question goes, Vegas Lee and TrueLove pretty much summed it up.

[prettylady 221]

Good point Prettylady. BUT, everybody "works" to make everything they do in life just a little bit better. We work on our marriage, we work to raise our kids right, we work at friendship. When we stop "working" at whatever it is we become complacent. Complacency brings boredom. Boredom brings resentment. New things should be done for funs sake and to keep boredom and all the things that go with it at bay. The thing is for us it seems to get easier. When you feel you HAVE to do different things to keep the excitement up it takes the fun and meaning out of it. For us new things just happen. Neither of us really plan things like "OK, what do we do next" It just happens. But we do work at it, we just don't look at it in that way or feel we have to. If you can't keep the excitement up then either you are not trying, working or whatever you want to call it, hard enough.

.

 

 

Oh lovinher, I hope you didn't think I was implying that you were trying to hard.

It sounded to me like the OP was working to hard at having fun. I agree 100% that everything worth doing is worth doing right, that means work. But the OP just seems frustrated by the work involved. That is why I suggested he might be working to hard.

Kisses my friend.

Your friend,

Prettylady

[lovinher 505]

Well I did but there was absolutely no offense taken. You have an attitude and take on things I admire. We agree in a way. I think he is trying to hard to convince his wife this is the thing to do. But I also believe he isn't trying hard enough to show his wife that isnt the problem. Who knows, maybe it is. If it is the they have no business swinging IMO. To swing to see if she is the problem is just wrong and I feel sorry for any spouse put in that position. I sure hope she hasn't read this thread. I would be crushed if Lovinhim wanted to fuck another guy to see if she was bored with me.

Right back at ya

[prettylady 221]

ouch, ya if Dog ever came to me with the idea of 'do you mind if I try and see if I'm bored with you" That is were the sentance would end because I would probably pop him in the mouth and then show him the door.

Your right about the swinging issue, this is a recipe for disaster.

Your friend,

Prettylady