My wife won't perform this sex act with me...but does it with playmates

[Guest Knockedonmyass]

Please forgive me for not using my normal account, but I do not wish to emabarrass my S/O or worse..

 

How do I handle this one...

 

Over the years my wife and I have had an extremely satisfying sex life. We have tried almost everything, but there have been a couple of things she WILL NOT do, for one reason or another.

 

Always before we play with other couples, we "mutually" go over the ground rules so we all know what to expect.

 

A while ago, I was discussing with the male half about what acts my wife will not perform, and of course he said no problem.

 

Throughout the play, I notice my wife performing one of the acts she refuses to do with me. I think, okay she has gotten over her fear of it.

 

On the way home, I attempted to talk to her about it to see if she was okay and if she had enjoyed it. She immediately got defensive and did not wish to discuss it. Again, I think, okay.

 

A few evenings later, we are making love and I figured, hey what the hell, lets try this as it appears she will now perform this act. No way, no how, with all the excuses you can think of.

 

Okay, now I'm not thinking okay anymore, I'm now thinking what the f..., but I let it go.

 

I have tried upon a couple of occassions to talk about it with her and/or try it with no success, so I finally give up and let it go.

 

If we were not playing with another couple a few months later and she does it again. WTF!

 

First of all - what is the matter with doing ANYTHING with your husband that you will do with another?

Second of all - I feel like such a dickhead telling the Mr that my wife will not do this, then she does, not once but twice.

 

Now how am I to handle this without feelings getteing hurt?

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

You have been much more patient and understanding than I could be.

 

On the drive home, after the "act" first happened I would have brought the subject up as you did and if my spouse didn't want to talk about it at the time that would be okay with me. I know that I often have to think through things before I can discuss them so I would think that maybe your wife would be ready to talk in a day or two. But she didn't.

 

Something I'll add here, on that drive home, after she objected to talking, I would have said, "If you don't feel ready to talk about it now, I understand, but I do think we need to discuss what happened since this was something we agreed wouldn't be a part of play. I know surprises can occur during swinging and I think the important thing is for us to realize this is normal and we need to talk about them when they arise. Let's sleep on it and talk tomorrow."

 

Asking her to do with you what she did with her playmate was not wrong. If she didn't want to do it there could be a valid reason but I feel she owes it to you to explain herself, her actions with her playpartner, and her behavior towards you. My patience would be at the breaking point about now.

 

And then for her to do it again with a playmate, that's pushing too far. I'd be all out of patience!

 

You deserve to know what's going through her mind. She should be able to discuss this with you and if she doesn't feel she can I wonder, why?

 

Maybe you have some ideas on why she won't talk. Has this been a pattern in your relationship?

 

LM

[WildMiCouple 325]

Tough one here. I can appreciate your frustration with your wife. Although, it's never happened with us, I can still sympathize. Probably because there isn't much Tam and I haven't done with each other Perhaps if you could tell us why she won't do this particular act with you, it would give us more insight. Maybe.....just maybe, she thinks this act is a pretty degrading thing to do. And she hasn't wanted you to think of her in that degrading way. But in the midst of playing, she doesn't care what her playmate thinks. Sort of her being able to let her "slutty" side out. Keep in mind, I don't consider "slutty" to be a derrogatory term.....more of an affectionate one for me

 

Next time your enjoying each other, let her know how hot it was for you to have watched her perform for her playmate. See if she opens up and does the same for you. But I personally wouldn't get on her case about it just yet. She's obviously got some inner turmoil over it, so give her some more time to open up.

 

Brett

[good times 991]

We actually have a rule between us that we won't tell our spouses play partner what we will or won't do. The reason for this is that we are into this for the variety and to try new things, so by not saying before hand how we like it, we get an experience unmarred by preconceived ideas on the part of our play partners.

 

That being said, their are very few things we would do with someone else that we don't do with each other and have never had any problem discussing what we have done with each other. The things we haven't done with each other that we have done with play partners are things that one of us is just not in to, if we were both into it we would do it with each other I am sure, so this problem hasn't ever come up with us. So, in your case, the only problem I would have with it is that she won't discuss it with you, that would be a problem with me as well. Like Brett said above I think you will just have to give her time to come to terms with why she doesn't want to talk about it, but I would make sure she understands that at some point the discussion needs to take place.

[jon0468 16]

A few good points to add: I know there are some things my wife CAN'T do with me that she can do with others. Not to brag, but I am a little too big for her to be on top most of the time, unless she is very relaxed. Also, anal is usually not something she can handle unless she is very relaxed. Now, her boyfriend is just a little smaller than I am, so she is frequently on top of him. I cut her some slack, lol. Perhaps your wife just needs time to sort out why etc in her mind before she talks to you about it. Keep a calm open mind, and just communicate.

 

 

Hope this helps

 

J

[graygo98 148]

While I have absolutely no first hand experience with this sort of situation I can understand where your wife is coming from. I think WildMiCouple probably nailed it pretty well. She is in the middle of something really intense and exciting for her and that can make her act out in ways she won't be as likely to in more familiar circumstances. Doesn't mean she doesn't love you or enjoy having sex with you... just that play is different.

 

I remember a year or two ago someone on the Board was upset that his wife seemed to enjoy sex with a partner more than with him... more vocal, more passionate, more whatever. But is this so unexpected? Aren't we doing this for new experiences, that special first-time thrill of a new partner? It doesn't mean that he is a better lover than you, only that he is different in a sexy and culturally forbidden way.

 

Does she owe you an explanation? Absolutely not. While communication is the key to any successful relationship and a swinging one in particular that doesn't mean that your partner doesn't also enjoy a right to privacy, the privacy of her own thoughts. If she shares them with you, wonderful. If she does not want to in a particular instance, you have no right to demand she does and should respect her enough not to feel hurt if she declined to.

 

As to whether the other guy thinks you are a jerk for giving him a bum steer: he probably doesn't think about it at all and even if he does should you really care? I wouldn't. But, I would also never tell another guy (or girl) how to push my wife's buttons. That's her story to tell, not mine. I would feel a bit sneaky, in fact, doing so.

[Cpl2share 147]

As WildMi said. A little mor einformation is needed to actually give any good response. It could be amtter of size if it is simply a position, or taking anal. If she is letting him cum in her mouth it may be that something that you have done has turned her off to doing it for you. It may be that you have a bad taste (lots of coffee and cigs maybe?) It may be something that she considers demeaning to him, and does not want to demean you. If we were ever in this situation the play (with others) would come to a screeching halt until the situation was cleared up. refusing to discuss something is keeping a secret. If there are secrets in the relationship they need to be worked on before others are allowed into it. Just our opinion.

[iapr 24]

I am with likeminds on this one. While all this feel-good, lets communicate and be accepting attitude all sounds well and good I think I would be a little ticked if my partner had a pattern of doing things with play pals that she refuses to do with me and then refuses to even discuss it. That's a bunch of crap.

 

Since she has shown a pattern of it I think you are within your right to put her feet to fire a bit and at least give some form of straight story rationale. I would never refuse my partner something she wanted and then do it right in front of her with others on multiple occasions and then refuse to talk about it and I wouldn't accept that from her either.

 

This could easily be planting the seeds of jealousy and suspician that if left untreated could easily fester into something that can blow up in your faces big time down the road. I say address it now and do not let it go on any longer.

[spectraschain 21]

The reason for this is that we are into this for the variety and to try new things, so by not saying before hand how we like it, we get an experience unmarred by preconceived ideas on the part of our play partners.

We conur...

 

It really wouldn't matter to me or Spectra...

 

When things like that happen, and they do, we don't ask how dare you, we ask, how'd you like it?

 

In separate rooms we may talk & giggle about it later, maybe not. Puppy pile, well...we'd likely have google eyes & smiling...

 

Granted, after 23 years we're really comfortable with each other & our sex life...

We may try the new thing with each other, probably not. Our deal's pretty damn good as it is.

 

I think you & others here are really overreacting........

[LOL_OMG 130]

Really great insight from all above One thing I would mention is that since you have obviously been swingers for awhile...thus the anon, you should be pretty communicative already.

 

I would sit her down, tell her how that made you feel, talk about the possibility of taking a break from swinging...and tell her you will be there when she wants to talk.

 

In other words, be honest. It costs alot less up front than later on

 

Mrs

[subtoMistressT 22]

I would have to agree with LOL. Commo, commo, commo. Talk it all out. I would not feel so bad if the Ms. tries something new with someone. She should feel free to experiment and have fun just as I should. The key if for you guys to sit down and discuss.

[Coupleinidaho 15]

I think you & others here are really overreacting........

I don't think they are overreacting at all...It's one thing to experience a sexual act with a play partner, that you haven't had with your spouse. That's to be expected sometimes. It's another thing entirely to only do that act with a play partner, even when your spouse has expressed an interest in doing the same thing. To act defensively when asked about it in a non-aggressive manner...raises red flags in IMO. To then do it again with a play partner, right in front of your spouse, is begging for trouble. That seems incredibly disrespectful of her partner's feelings.

 

Mrs.

[clutch 28]

First of all, I wouldn't worry at all about feeling like a dickhead. Being out of the forest, I can assure you that you don't look like a dickhead. What the response of the other couple might be is, "Hmm. Those guys don't seem like they're on the same page; probably should talk some."

 

Being centered is the course that I would want to take for this if I were in (or even out of) your shoes.

 

I'm sensing here that it's not the act, per se, that is significant. On the other hand the abject, forceful refusal to discuss it is very interesting. And all of the affect around this one particular repeated instance is very suggestive.

 

I'm guessing that there may be something underlying all of this that's not readily apparent--namely anger. Especially regarding the fact that she rather stubbornly repeated her previous behavior and again was not willing to discuss the behavior.

 

I really am guessing here, but it may have more to do with you and her, rather than her and her other partner. It may be that she is internalizing something that's bothering her, and her rage about it is coming out in this very uncharacteristic behavior.

 

And, there's a very good chance that she herself may not be quite aware of what it is. I remember a Friends episode where Phebes was mad at Ross, but didn't know why...but her anger just kept manifesting itself until through a twisty little scheme she revealed to everyone and herself that the anger was based on some rather kooky dream she'd had, but had totally forgotten.

 

I'd agree with lol omg and suspend the swinging and fish a little. Suggest to her what I'm saying and ask if there's truth to it. If she asks where you found it, tell her you suspected it might be "suppression" and that you googled the word.

 

Best of luck and love to you guys.

[Tybee Swing 286]

This is the part that I think is the problem:

 

On the way home, I attempted to talk to her about it to see if she was okay and if she had enjoyed it. She immediately got defensive and did not wish to discuss it. Again, I think, okay.

....

A few evenings later, we are making love and I figured, hey what the hell, lets try this as it appears she will now perform this act. No way, no how, with all the excuses you can think of.

....

I have tried upon a couple of occassions to talk about it with her and/or try it with no success, so I finally give up and let it go.

 

For some reason, this woman wil not open up her mouth and talk about what she knows is on her husband's mind. In my humble opinion, clamming up on a spouse over an issue in swinging isn't an option. Maybe in the short-term, such as when you're trying to sort out your thoughts for a day or so before talking about something. But, when our mate is making repeated attempts to simply communicate about changes and shifts in swinging behavior, they deserve an answer. Even if it's uncomfortable for some reason, this is a talk that needs to happen. When one spouse is doing sexual things with playmates, but refusing to do the same thing with her mate, or even discuss doing it with her mate and then only making "excuses", there is a problem.

 

Jon pointed out that there are some things a woman can physically do with some men, but "can't" do these same things with others (equipment size issue). This is true, but if the husband's equipment is "too big" for certain things, I see no reason that she couldn't talk about this with him.

[Tybee Swing 286]

Now how am I to handle this without feelings getting hurt?

 

It seems to me that you are the one whose feelings got hurt. Don't worry that expressing this to her will hurt her feelings. I suggest you tell her how it makes you feel that she will perform these "forbidden" acts with others in front of you, but that she won't share the same with you, or even discuss this with you. You deserve answers and some degree of empathy from her. How would she feel if you did things with other women that you would not do for her? Not happy, I'd bet.

 

Why don't you have her read this thread?

[EvilMJ 65]

I have to agree with many of the others. If your partner gets defensive when you wish to talk openly about a subject, then I see a major problem. Sure the reason could be anything - but why can she not feel open enough to talk about it with you. Without open communciation it leaves room for suspicion, confusion, hurt feelings..etc, the list goes on. Especially after she won't do the same thing for you.

 

If you are going to continue playing with others, then you need to be able to talk about things when you have a questions or concerns. Leaving it alone and continuing on is only going to make the problems worse.

[bonesray 15]

She must talk about this.

[Guest Knockedonmyass]

I thank you all for your comments.

 

Let me clarrify things. The "act" was not forbidden. Oh for gods sake, she will not let me cum in her mouth. Says it's disgusting, the smell, flavour, feel.

 

But, she has on 2 occassions with a playmate, 2 different ones, that she has never had before, therefore would not know how they would have been. She had only done this with me once since we have been together for over 15 years.

 

I am not angry, not then not now, just frustrated that she does not want to do it with me, not even contemplate it.

 

Since these 2 occassions and my (short of begging) requests for her to try it with me, I now find myself hesitant to even ask for her to perform without the finish as she is now afraid that I will not stop, intentionally. Even when I have asked for a blowjob, they are not so "readily available" anymore, something we used to do frequently. More excuses.

 

I did not ask the partner NOT to do it because I forbid it, or because she will not do it with me. I let him know because she said she would not do it and it was included in our rules. Now I know rules change as we learn and grow, experience new things and perfect others.

 

Like I said I am not angry. On the way home, I was sincerely asking if she was okay because something happened that supposedly was not supposed to and if she enjoyed it, then it got cold.

 

Normally we have great communication, but for some reason she wishes not to discuss this.

 

As for my feelings being hurt, well... maybe, but more the fact that we have always shared everything in our lives together and have always been able to discuss everything without issue. We don't fight or argue, may have small disagreements, but are always respectful of each other.

 

I just find it uncomfortable that I cannot get into THIS discussion with her or why she is so unwilling to try with me again.

 

I know that there are things that we do to / for our lovers that we improve on. I'm hoping this is one of them.

[Additude 457]

After reading your last reply I'd suggest you do a 180 on your stance and encourage her to let other men cum in her mouth. I don't mean encourage as in vocally promoting it, cheering her on or anything like that, but by not showing her that it bothers you.

 

I've heard from many women that each mans cum tastes different and some are good, some tollerable and some not good. Maybe your cum isn't palatable to her taste buds.... maybe it's another reason...? Who knows except her...

 

But, that said, I say let her do it to others without you questioning it as the more comfortable she gets with doing it the closer you get to her doing it for you.

[sexcupid 809]

After reading your last reply I'd suggest you do a 180 on your stance and encourage her to let other men cum in her mouth. I don't mean encourage as in vocally promoting it, cheering her on or anything like that, but by not showing her that it bothers you.

 

I've heard from many women that each mans cum tastes different and some are good, some tollerable and some not good. Maybe your cum isn't palatable to her taste buds.... maybe it's another reason...? Who knows except her...

 

But, that said, I say let her do it to others without you questioning it as the more comfortable she gets with doing it the closer you get to her doing it for you.

 

 

I don't know that I agree with this. There are certain things that I will do with only certain partners. Either I can't get the same feeling in a situation (I can't think of a better way to describe it) or it comes down to a partner saying, 'you'll do that with Steve, but you won't do that with me.' And here comes the guilt trip (or at the very least whining about it).

 

I don't think the OP's wife continuing to do this with other men will bring her any closer to doing it for him than she already is. If it keeps on, then I think it is just going to bother the OP more and more and a blow up could occur.

 

There are just some things that only she can answer and until she does, it's anyone's guess. Maybe she just doesn't want to say 'Baby, you taste gross...it's too thick, there's too much of it, it's bitter'...so on and so forth. I agree she needs to talk, but maybe she's afraid what she has to say will not be kind and it will hurt your feelings?

 

But that's just my 2 cents.

 

Maria

[Tybee Swing 286]

Hi Knocked, I'm the one that used the word "forbidden", but I think you may have misunderstood my meaning. I wasn't saying that you forbade her to do this with other guys. I meant that she has placed this on the forbidden list (something she won't do). She forbids you to come in her mouth.

 

Says it's disgusting, the smell, flavour, feel.

....

She had only done this with me once since we have been together for over 15 years.

....

just frustrated that she does not want to do it with me, not even contemplate it.

 

I hope that is more clear.

 

I think it is wrong, and destructive for a couple in swinging, to deny your spouse an act they have longed for over years -- and yet allow random strangers to have it. Just my humble opinion.

[Guest Knockedonmyass]

Thanks all.

 

I think the words of the wise have answered another problem.

 

After reading my original post and all the responses I have to admint...

 

I think I should have let this go from the beginning like I was going to do.

 

We got into this lifestyle, not for our own personal pleasure, but for us as a couple. Having said that... we are all in this for the pleasure! I should not feel bad if she also wants the pleasure and if she can't do something, for any reason, it's still her perogative, no matter who the partner.

 

It would be selfish for anyone to force someone to do something they can't, and as stated above, I don't want her to feel guilty.

 

We have had loads of fun and met alot of real fantastic people.

 

 

 

Thanks again.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,026]

I have read this thread with great interest. We denied ourselves at first but separate-room sex has now become the norm. We are both more free to explore.

[Alura 2,775]

Additude wrote:

 

I've heard from many women that each mans cum tastes different and some are good, some tollerable and some not good. Maybe your cum isn't palatable to her taste buds.... maybe it's another reason...? Who knows except her.

 

While I would suggest that y'all continue to try to improve your communication, I wouldn't dwell on the reason. If y'all continue to talk things out, the answer will eventually reveal itself.

 

Mrs. Alura tells me that men who smoke have unpleasant-tasting cum. There may be other factors that change the taste.

 

Mr. Alura

[lovinher 505]

I would have a serious problem if my wife would do things with a play partner that she would not do with me. Especially if she would not talk about it. I'd be more concerned about that than anything else. It does make me wonder what other communication problems there may be. You don't want to deny her the pleasure but isn't that exactly what she is doing to you? I feel like I'm stirring the pot here but you did ask for opinions. Take it as that...just my opinion.

 

You are OK with it now and that is all that matters.

[Alura 2,775]

It's also my opinion, Lovinher, that the major problem here is her refusal to talk about the issue.

 

Mr. Alura

[Cpl2share 147]

Have to agree with Alura. It would not so much be the act itself, but the non communication. As we posted earlier in this thread: If there is a breakdown of communication the whole show stops until things are straight. We went through the not talking phase and almost lost our marriage. Now, it does not matter how much someting might hurt, we talk about it.

[DBL D 120]

Seems like this is about rules as much as anything. She broke a rule and now won't discuss it and then she breaks it again. I would be upset. I think a couple should be able to do what ever they want with someone else but to not discuss it when the whole idea is for couples to share...just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

 

Male D

[sereneiders 263]

I have read this thread with great interest. We denied ourselves at first but separate-room sex has now become the norm. We are both more free to explore.

 

I guess this have to do with what could be happening. We build up our "identity" in front of others, and the more closer those others are, the more we grant credit to their oppinions about us, the more we care about our "identity".

 

Your wife once told you she disliked you cumming in her mouth (and consider the fact about cum taste already said), that happend long ago, you both get used to the idea and this became part of her "identity". Now she gave this a try (a different guy, a different taste as well) and she's exploring the whole thing from the scratch.

 

She could feel more free to explore with those strangers preciselly because she doesn't care about their oppinons as she does about yours, and she is able either to move further in her explorations, or to withdraw and get back to where she was about the subject, without any consecuence.

 

In the other hand, if she were exploring the same with you, there exist the risk that you change your mind about her and her tastes for good, affecting her "identity", and even to the boint of feeling she could betray you if she wants to withdraw in the future.

 

As other said, her refusal to talk about this COULD be a warning, or it simply could be that she is unable to find out the words or to understand this sort of conflicts about her own identity: her guts could be telling her it's safe to explore with other guys and to keep this exploration inside her private sphere, at least until reaching enough confortable level as to reach a "veredict" affecting your wishes and the relationship.

 

It is important to be able to tell appart why someone doesn't talk, if because she doesn't wants to, if because she just cannot talk, if because the unproper moments were chosen to talk, et certera.

 

For example, I know because my wife told me, there are certain things she doesn't want to talk, certain things she cannot talk, and that she (as happens to me) not allways is in the mood for talking.

 

For the later we developed a recipe that works for us: when someone needs to talk about something we know or suspect it could be unconfortable for the other, we make an appointment. Even more, some times we look for a "neutral territory" where to talk, let say a bar isnthead of the bedroom or the livingroom. This give each one of us time enough to make up our mind about something deserving all our attention and our best mood to talk. We can even reschedule the appointment just because some of us knows that ins't in the "best shape" for such a conversation. The goal is to ensure the best chances to produce a satisfactory outcome for both of us.

 

Some times we even roleplayed a game: since my wife is my best friend and I am my wife's best friend, we made the appointment to talk with "the friend" about "my couple". Let's suppose I am the one requestin the appointment, once in the bar I start talking with her as if she weren't my wife, but my friend, about my wife. I don't address my wife as "you", but as "she"... like "well, latelly it often happens that SHE's having this attitude...", pursuing to get an advice from "my friend" on how to deal with the problem. This also allows her to reffer to herself as "that other woman", and disclose some of her toughts as suppositions to work with, and even mix them up with suppositions having nothing to do with her feelings or toughts, just to help me boraden the horizonts while preserving her privacy. In the process, she's able to reach a better understanding of what I feel and where I am comming from (she may ask questions like "what happend between you two leading you to suppose...", as if she were unaware of the shared story, just to understand how I am perceiving it, insthead of taking a deffensive attitude based on the way she perceived the same facts). Of course, this works both ways, she may be the one asking to talk with her friend about her husband.

 

It sounds somehow weird (moreover at first), but pays the effort, because it allows each other to depersonalize the subject and no one is justified to make personal attacts, nor to understand what's being said as a personal attack, nor to react with personal attacs, allowing both of us to communicate openly and in deepth.

[ajones1969 15]

Seems like this is about rules as much as anything. She broke a rule and now won't discuss it and then she breaks it again. I would be upset. I think a couple should be able to do what ever they want with someone else but to not discuss it when the whole idea is for couples to share...just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

 

Male D

 

I completely agree with Male D on this. The rules are the foundation of trust. When a rule us broken, the trust is broken...or questioned at the very least.

Obviously when dealing with different people, circumstances and emotions, not everything is black&white...some rules at one time or another are going to be bent, stretched or broken. Depending on all of the above variables, this may range from minor to major. Communication is key - maybe new rules will be made...or some removed or changed. In this case the rule was she didnt allow men to come in her mouth and the assumption was that she didnt like it. As it turned out, his assumption was incorrect. Maybe its time to get rid of that rule? Or maybe its time to re-establish the rule on the grounds that it bothers the husband?

In any case...something has to be agreed upon here...why have any rules if its ok to keep breaking them?

The issue of why she wont let him come in her mouth or blow him very often any more is a separate deal.

[Cpl2share 147]

Bottom line is still communication....... I for one would be very hurt if Mrs. Cpl would allow other men to do something that she will not allow me to do. I would be hurt and angry if she refused to discuss it or give me a reason. If your spouse can not talk about the sexual act that they are performing on someone else, then there is not a sufficient level of trust and comunication to continue in the behavior. No excuses allowed. If you will do it, you will discuss it.