The Elusive NICE Single Guy?

[Trixie1966 15]

I've read lots of comments about single guys getting a bad rap. I really didn't completely understand why until this week but I guess I'm optimistic enough to think there still might be some nice single guys out there but I've yet to find one. I'm just wondering that other women have experienced with single guys and finding one.

 

Background: I'm allowed to play alone so we are trying to find a single guy for me to play with on a regular basis. You'd think it would be easy enough to find a guy who wants to just have sex with no commitments, right? WRONG!

 

We have couples we play with who think I'm good looking, outgoing and adventurous so I don't feel I am the problem because that was my first thought. I chat with the guys online for awhile to make sure we have the same expectations and talk on the phone and they all SEEM to want to get together to meet (I don't play the first time we meet). I always meet them in a very public place and hubby likes to meet them as well.

 

However, when the day comes and it's either one excuse after another or they just plain don't show and don't call. I'm understanding and I know things come up but to not show and not call is what I consider rude. I'm also not one to give second chances which hasn't been a problem since so far none of them have had enough courage to ask for one.

 

So why do all the single guys complain they can't find anybody to have sex with them when here I am trying to find one and can't? I'm starting to wonder what a girl has to do to get laid! lol

 

Mrs. Trixie

[eurotrash 15]

Maybe it's because you don't "really" want a NICE single guy.

[Dynamar 246]

You don't mention what your SLS profile is, otherwise I would have taken a look at it. Depending on what you state there, that could be an issue.

 

Otherwise, I'm not sure. I'm friends or acquaintances with quite a few married gals who play alone and they all seem to find playmates in numbers that are satisfactory to them. I'm single, I've been very fortunate to meet several nice guys as well.

 

Sometimes, it's just a matter of patience and planetary alignment.

[WesternSwing 504]

We've experienced a several different factors with single guys that make it hard to find the "nice" one:

 

1) They are not really single. Some are married and trying to find someone to cheat with, but when the time comes to meet you they can't get away from the wife and kids.

 

2) Many are lecherous and just plain crude. They don't get it. They don't understand that the same rules apply to dating couples as apply to dating single women. Just because sex is on the menu doesn't mean my wife is a cheap piece of meat. But they say things to her that they'd never say to a single girl they were hitting on. But for some reason they think that because Mrs. WS is a swinger that she is less of a person and therefore it's okay to say and do crude things.

 

3) We've run into lots of guys that don't want to meet me. It screws with their head that it's okay if Mrs. WS plays alone, and ultimately who she plays with is her choice, but that I have to be comfortable with them too. They want nothing to do with me. We've had single guys beg and plead with Mrs. WS to meet them without my knowledge, even though she has my consent. One even said to her "He doesn't have to know everything you do, does he?" She told him "yes he does" and that was the end of that. I think for some the idea of her cheating on me is a huge turn-on because then it's the fantasy situation of she's not getting it good at home so she is seeing him, the BIG STUD, The Stunt Cock, The Satisfier... just like in the porn movies.

 

Like I said, so many just don't get it. Although we wish more did.

 

Mr. WS

[Trixie1966 15]

First off, YES I do REALLY want a nice single guy. Why would I choose this frustration or choose to waste my time? I never said I have never found one, I just said I hadn't found one lately (or in this area since we are new here). We've been in this lifestyle for 8 years and I've had my fair share of fun playmates!

 

WesternSwing, everything you said is everything I'm experiencing now. I am amazed at what the guys say to me that they would never dare say to a girl they were trying to pick up. You are SO very right-just because we are swingers does not mean I am a cheap piece of meat! Several of the guys have asked me if I tell my hubby everything and yes, I do and although we don't require the guys meet him I do prefer that and so does the hubby. I also get a lot of married and cheating guys and some are up front about it and I imagine some of them aren't so up front.

 

We don't state that I play alone in our SLS profile anymore just because of the sheer volume of emails I got from guys just looking to score one nighters.

 

I think Dynamar has it right......my planets just aren't aligned right now!

 

Thanks to everyone for reading and replying!

[balearsun 15]

Hello Trixie,

 

First off, don't give up on your search; sometimes it's where you look that will yield the results you want. I have been that single guy for a while now and have met a few women (on AFF) and a couple (Swinglifestyle), and they all told me at one time or another that by and far the bulk of mail they get from single guys is garbage, as in the type of guys you are talking about.

I have an inkling that you are more apt to fing the right person here. Probably someone who has some experience and understands that you are allowed to play alone.

As someone else said above, I don't know what your profile says, but I would think if you word it right and make it clear you have no time to waste on losers, that might help you weed them out.

Good luck! There are a few good ones out there

[VegasLee 1,486]

We have found that 99% of the guys online, (yahoo, aol and most of the dating sites) this is more fantasy then reality and do not show up when their fantasy turns to reality.

 

We don't ever make plans with anyone online anymore. We tell them when we are going to be at the club that allows single men and let them know if they show up there we will meet them and get to know them. If thinks click, cool we play, if not there is 100's of others there for them and us.

 

At the club we do find many nice single guys most nights. Just have to take time to get to know them a bit and find out if there is interest from both sides.

 

The Internet is both good and bad. Opens the door to meet more people but many people try to be something they are not online and also use it just to live out their fantasy's.

 

No need to give up, just go to the right places to find what your looking for.

[singleagain 26]

The elusive nice single guy should be pleasing and agreeable in nature. He should present an attractive appearanceand dress well. Courtesy and politeness exhibited by appropriate gestures with a good character and reputation are paramount. The nice guy should show sensitive discernment and be subtle. He should perform with delicacy and skill as if his performance were a craft. A warm and caring heart is evidence of his niceness.

 

Words that describe the elusive nice single guy are agreeable, congenial, favorable, good, grateful, gratifying, pleasant, pleasing, pleasurable, satisfying, welcome. He should conform to accepted standards with courtesy and respect. He should be byond reproach in his actions.

 

Mr. elusive nice single guy should never be difficult to please. If he is persnickety or picky he will never be considered as nice. In other words it could be summed up that he is refined, delicate and subtle.

 

The only place I have ever seen him is in the movies. Usually, Mr. Elusive Nice Single Guy is a wolf in sheep's clothing...appearences can be deceiving don't you know?

 

Mrs. Trixie, I hope you find him. The problem is, you probably have already found him and you married him. Congratulations. In the meantime as you explore your sexuality with his permission, I wish you the best in your search. There are a lot of us availabe nice single guys out here...we just have a really hard time exhibiting all the traits that do make us nice.

 

Oh, and one final parting word of advice...don't look at it as getting laid. The nice guys enjoy good sex with sexually adventrous people who are just as nice...not just the ones looking to get laid.

 

singleagain

[EternallySingle 32]

First off, YES I do REALLY want a nice single guy. Why would I choose this frustration or choose to waste my time? I never said I have never found one, I just said I hadn't found one lately (or in this area since we are new here). We've been in this lifestyle for 8 years and I've had my fair share of fun playmates!

 

WesternSwing, everything you said is everything I'm experiencing now. I am amazed at what the guys say to me that they would never dare say to a girl they were trying to pick up. You are SO very right-just because we are swingers does not mean I am a cheap piece of meat! Several of the guys have asked me if I tell my hubby everything and yes, I do and although we don't require the guys meet him I do prefer that and so does the hubby. I also get a lot of married and cheating guys and some are up front about it and I imagine some of them aren't so up front.

 

We don't state that I play alone in our SLS profile anymore just because of the sheer volume of emails I got from guys just looking to score one nighters.

 

I think Dynamar has it right......my planets just aren't aligned right now!

 

Thanks to everyone for reading and replying!

 

As far as finding a single guy in this area, all I can say is slow down a little and work on the platonic friendship angle between him and your husband. If he's willing to do that, he's less likely to be married and cheating, less likely to stand you up, and more likely to treat you like a friend who just happens to like to have sex with him and nothing emotional beyond that.

 

I personally had very few problems meeting other swingers when I lived in Washington state and Georgia, so much of it is how people in the region look at swinging in general. In someplaces, it seems to be mainly about wife swapping or clubbing. In others it seems to be more about having friendships where sex isn't out of bounds but emotional monogamy isn't an issue or goal.

 

Here, It seems more of a forbidden fantasy angle, and sometimes its taken almost beyond my comfort level. I've been contacted by way more couples interested in me just because I'm black and less about who I am than I've written. I find that a turnoff most of the time.

 

But thats what I've seen and what I've experienced. Its probably a unique perspective compared to other single men on this site.

[dayhiker 83]

HI,

As a recent single guy, I've just started looking for a swinging experience.

I've had one. It was more of a hot wife situation. The guy likes being 2nd. So I have had serveral talks with him and meet them and played. But I've not followed up because they aren't interested in me using protection. So I'll leave them to find someone else.

 

I believe I'm a nice single guy, but I also think I'm slow at understanding just what a couple would want me for. While I'm willing to try and be what they want, I know I'm not an actor and so in the final analayze I've got to be me.

 

I would say tho, I've always been punctual, so if I said I was going to meet a couple I'd be there.

 

I guess the main downside to me as a single guy for a couple, is that I am interested in meeting a single lady that would be OK with swinging, so eventually I hope to join the swinging activites as a couple not as a single guy.

 

That's my thoughts,

dayhiker

[spectraschain 21]

I also think I'm slow at understanding just what a couple would want me for.

No need to over-think this...you are fun for my wife, which in turn is fun for me...

so in the final analayze I've got to be me.

Which is exactly how we want you to be...

 

You sound like a great guy.

[dayhiker 83]

thanks for the kind comments

dayhiker

[curiousagain 326]

I have no doubt you are having difficulties that have little or anything to do with the way you are going about it. Just continue your search aware that the one you seek is one out of many.

 

For awhile I was playing with a swinging wife one on one at her husband's request. I was her first pick and met with the husband and talked awhile but he wanted her to continue her search. She did and every single one she contacted wanted to meet her without her husband's knowledge whereas I insisted on his knowledge and permission each and every time. Finally he told her that I met him face to face and shook his hand and showed him respect whereas all the others were trying to go behind his back and disrespecting him. He told her to contact me again which she did and we played semi regularly for a while.

 

 

I was a little surprised at the number of guys who acted that way. Swinging is not cheating, it's casual sex, "sport fucking", whatever you want to call it, but it's not cheating. Evidently, the majority of guys who claim to want to be swingers are actually wanting to be cheaters. I think I am through defending single males as a group. "We have met the enemy and he is us"

 

Good luck in your search but know it may take a while and you may have to shift your tactics a little.

[TNT 1,155]

What you have described with trying to find a single man to play with alone is much the same problems as a lot of couples have when trying to find one for a threesome.

 

Couple of questions...

 

Are you just trying to find one to play with alone or...do ya'll also look for single men for threesomes as well?

 

If for threesomes also, do you have the same problems but on a lesser scale?

 

If just looking for one to play with alone, you might try looking for those that advertise they enjoy threesomes and asking him if he is open to possibly playing alone. If they have experience in threesomes then they are more likey to understand the intricacies of dealing with a couple.

 

If you are already having threesomes and playing or have played with someone that you both were comfortable with, why not bring up the topic of playing alone with him and see how he feels about it.

 

I know for us the one time I did play alone it was with a man that we had already had a threesome with. Because of the fact that it had been discussed prior to happening, the one-on-one although unplanned, was something that we all knew was okay to happen.

 

We are now playing with another single man that we both feel very comfortable with and are planning on bring up the subject with him soon. If he is comfortable with it cool and if he's not cool, we hope to continue playing with him as a threesome for a long while.

 

Just a couple of thoughts.

 

 

Teresa

[interested-05 135]

AS a former single nice guy,who was looking for a couple that were good with the friends w/benefits idea. But never found the opportunity with a couple I was comfortable with. I guess you could say that the chemistry has to be right with the guys in order for things to work.

I hope I can help yu understand the nice single guys perspective.

 

we really do want to experience the lifestyle and friends with benefits.

I was recently divorced and definitely not interested in finding a partner that required exclusivity. I was looking to enjoy sex with a variety of women and enjoy the single life. It was part fantasy to meet a married woman, knowing that she had a committed marriage and was simply wanting to enjoy me as a playmate, rather than expecting me to develope a permanent relationship. The couples I contacted were generally too far away from home to make this work and they wanted someone local. Couldnt blame them, as I was hoping to be able to come over when she or they were in the mood.

The women I dated, were a lot of fun and we did enjoy each other, but there was always a tension of what does she really want from me? Can she simply enjoy the friends w/benefits approach or was she looking for more. Usually it was more. I didn't blame them for wanting more, its natural but I wasn't ready for it.

from my perspective though, I also had to be cautious as to who am I getting involved with. I guess part of it had to do with the safety issue. The first time I was approached regarding swinging was unexpectedly, by two couples at a bar. I had to say this sounds like a lot of fun, but being outnumbered 4-1 with people I dont know is not good odds, if they were really looking for something more than just a fun sexual encounter. That is probably all they were looking for, but how does one know until you get to know them. I should have gotten a phone number and called them later, but this was too unexpected.

My advice then is this, keep in mind he wants to play. he wants to have fun, and return the favor, and enjoy regular sex with a woman he has no permanent relationship commitment too, and doesn't simply want another one night stand. He wants to know your husband is genuinely ok with it and that your play relationship is safe and at least relatively discrete from the outside world.

In the end it turns out I found a woman who likes my way of thinking,Best of luck finding that

[iapr 24]

We have found that 99% of the guys online, (yahoo, aol and most of the dating sites) this is more fantasy then reality and do not show up when their fantasy turns to reality.

 

We don't ever make plans with anyone online anymore. We tell them when we are going to be at the club that allows single men and let them know if they show up there we will meet them and get to know them. If thinks click, cool we play, if not there is 100's of others there for them and us.

 

At the club we do find many nice single guys most nights. Just have to take time to get to know them a bit and find out if there is interest from both sides.

 

The Internet is both good and bad. Opens the door to meet more people but many people try to be something they are not online and also use it just to live out their fantasy's.

 

No need to give up, just go to the right places to find what your looking for.

 

 

I agree with this post quite a bit. The websites and internet all full of wackos, losers, fakes, dreamers, wannabes, cheaters and every other name you can come up with. It's not that clubs are immune to any of that but if you go the clubs the chances are that if there is someone that regularly goes to the clubs and is known by the other couples the chances are much better that that person is full real than some troll on the other end of a computer mouse that is dreaming of God knows what while he is writing you in the middle of the night.

 

If a guy regularly attends the clubs the chances are he "gets it" and understands what couples are looking for and is ok with the idea of providing it. Like many of the other posters on this thread have stated many if not darn near all of the single guys that sign onto swinger sites think that wives and single women who swing are deprived nymphomaniacs that are so loose and oversexed that they will screw any dreg that comes along. The guys that regularly attend the clubs are more likely to realize that that isn't the case and they realize that most nights they are going home without scoring and realize that they are more likely to get laid at a vanilla meat-market bar but prefer the company of swingers and have probably established a group of friends and satisfied customers.

 

there are no guarentees of that of course but your odds are more likely there than on the net.

[DragonSlayer774 15]

I have no doubt you are having difficulties that have little or anything to do with the way you are going about it. Just continue your search aware that the one you seek is one out of many.

 

For awhile I was playing with a swinging wife one on one at her husband's request. I was her first pick and met with the husband and talked awhile but he wanted her to continue her search. She did and every single one she contacted wanted to meet her without her husband's knowledge whereas I insisted on his knowledge and permission each and every time. Finally he told her that I met him face to face and shook his hand and showed him respect whereas all the others were trying to go behind his back and disrespecting him. He told her to contact me again which she did and we played semi regularly for a while.

 

 

I was a little surprised at the number of guys who acted that way. Swinging is not cheating, it's casual sex, "sport fucking", whatever you want to call it, but it's not cheating. Evidently, the majority of guys who claim to want to be swingers are actually wanting to be cheaters. I think I am through defending single males as a group. "We have met the enemy and he is us"

 

Good luck in your search but know it may take a while and you may have to shift your tactics a little.

 

I am the same way you are I will not do anything without the ladies husbands permission , and I need to hear it from him . I dont look at the lifestyle as "casual sex "or "sport fucking" .Our club has a monthly meet n greet . We have someone do a short lecture on a lifestyle related subject ,one of our speakers was a gentleman called Dr. Ziggy ( his name is also his web address )Dr Ziggy spoke on the origins of swinging .I really liked his description of most lifestylers ."We are a group of friends that share a common and more open view of human sexuality " The sex is a huge benefit of what we do but for me im gonna have a good time whether i hook up or not . Unfortunately the single "jerks "mess things up for those of us that are honest and respectful.

[curiousagain 326]

I like the description that swingers are people that share a common and more open view of human sexuality. I've said before that part of the fun of hanging out with other swingers, even if no sex was involved was being with people of the same mind and outlook on sex and other things.

[spectraschain 21]

The websites and internet all full of wackos, losers, fakes, dreamers, wannabes, cheaters and every other name you can come up with.

Least we forget message boards...

 

Perhaps it's just me, but I tend to find wackos, losers, fakes, dreamers, wannabes, cheaters in all facets...

[jon0468 16]

I kind of need help on this subject too. I feel I am "the elusive guy" lol. My situation is that I am separated and headed into a divorce, and I would still like to keep up an active, fun, healthy sex life, without the hassles of dating and worrying about trust issues, health issues, etc. Don't get me wrong, I plan on dating, but I would like to have someone to play with that is just that: play. I like to think I'm a nice guy, and it seems that I would be perfect for this kind of relationship: I have only been with my wife for 18 years so I am clean, I'm considerate, not sleazy, not pushy, mature, etc. Unfortunately, single guys tend to get the bad wrap. How do I find couples or women that just want play in a safe, friendly, fun relationship? Thanks for the input!

 

 

John

[Spoomonkey 421]

Don't get me wrong, I plan on dating, but I would like to have someone to play with that is just that: play.

 

Let me ask you...

 

When you do find that person to date, what will be your position on swinging? Is it something you envision as a possibility for you and your future someone? Granted, much of that is up to her, but humor me...

 

Are you willing to share your future wife? Or just mine, for now, as a "convenience" and continuance of your "active, fun, healthy sex life"?

 

I think quite often the answer to this question is the gateway to many of the others you have

 

Spoomonkey

[jon0468 16]

Actually, I have been sharing my wife. If you look in the poly forums, I have told some of my story. My wife just decided that she isn't in love with me, probably was not in love with her oso, and just needs to be on her own and not in any kind of serious relationship at this time. I would love to meet someone that is already in the lifestyle, and looking for a partner. I have always been interested in group, swap etc. but out of respect for my wife, did not pursue it, as she was not into it. I have been looking at some of the local scene that offers single male nights, and will probably start there, but still don't discount the internet.

 

 

Thanks for the input!

 

 

John

[iapr 24]

I kind of need help on this subject too. I feel I am "the elusive guy" lol. My situation is that I am separated and headed into a divorce, and I would still like to keep up an active, fun, healthy sex life, without the hassles of dating and worrying about trust issues, health issues, etc. Don't get me wrong, I plan on dating, but I would like to have someone to play with that is just that: play. I like to think I'm a nice guy, and it seems that I would be perfect for this kind of relationship: I have only been with my wife for 18 years so I am clean, I'm considerate, not sleazy, not pushy, mature, etc. Unfortunately, single guys tend to get the bad wrap. How do I find couples or women that just want play in a safe, friendly, fun relationship? Thanks for the input!

 

 

John

 

 

Ok John, you bring up some great points and I think you missed Spoomonkey's point all together and that is part of the problem with single males.

 

You say that you feel you are an elusive nice guy and that you aren't sleazy, pushy etc etc and that you are nice and clean and mature etc etc. Well do you think that the single guys that do give single guys a bad name don't think of themselves the same way??? Who do you know that thinks of themselves and markets themselves as an asshole?

 

We'll take the assumption that you are a decent guy however your statements are a perfect example of how single males do get such a bad name in the lifestyle. In saying that you don't want to mess with dating and trust issues etc etc you are essentially saying that you want a free piece of ass like every other single guy on the planet. The problem is when you bring that to a swinging site and you want that free piece of ass from my wife and act like you are entitled to it because you are a nice guy and she is a swinger.

 

I think the point Spoomonkey was trying to make was that a lot of single guys come onto swinging sites because they want a free piece of ass and they want it from our wives but what's in it for us? When you make all these "I want" "I want" I want" statements it sounds like it is all about you and your desires and you come looking to fullfill those desires from other guys wives but what do you offer up in return????????

 

What's in for me as a swinging husband? What's in it for my wife? And the real $100,00 question of the day is 'WHAT'S IN IT FOR US AS A COUPLE?' If the only thing you have to offer is you have a dick, are horny and want to screw a chick keep walking. There are 3 billion other guys in the world in the same predicament.

 

If you want into the world of swinging as a single male you have to change your whole way of thinking. It ain't about you and your wants and desires it is about what can you provide a couple to fullfill THEIR wants and desires. If you enjoy it and have a good time, then great, it is a good fit. If you want to be the one to call the shots and have it your way then get back out in the dating scene and find a vanilla chick and start playing the dating game cause you aren't going to find that here.

 

It's not that single guys are bad people or that they don't deserve to find some warmth and happiness. It is it that most of them just don't "get it" where swinging couples are concerned. A single male in the swinger world is a dildo that talks. You are just a prop for the amuzement and entertainment of the couple just like a dildo or vibrator or some other gadget. As shocking as that sounds I don't mean that in a bad way or mean it as any offense, just stating the way it comes out in the wash.

 

The reason single guys get the bad rap is that most single guys want the sex but want it on their terms and that is understandable but when you are dealing with a couple the sex involved is part of the sexual dynamics of the couple and not about the wants and desires of the extra penis. So when a single guys comes on a messageboard and starts saying, "I want - I want - I want" or when they start coming on to your wife at the club when the husband goes to the bathroom or when they want to use your wife for their needs but offer nothing to the couple in return they shoot themselves in the foot. Then once that happens they take themselves out of the running as a legitimate single male and if they continue to hang around they just become an irritant and come off as pushy and aggressive.

 

There is nothing unusual or unreasonable in your wanting to have some sexual expression at this point in your life, everyone has a right to feel human and have some human contact. What is unreasonable is to assume that my wife is going to give it to you and I am going to go along with it just because you want it and we happen to be swingers. We are in this lifestyle for US as a couple and it is part of our sexual dynamic and something we do for our enjoyment as a couple. If you realize that and accept that and are ok with that and are ok with us calling 100% of the shots then all is well and we can talk business. If there is something that you have a problem with that is fine too, you do not have to accept our offer and you can walk away and no harm done. That is what free choice is.

 

Bottom line is if you want equality and to be able to call the shots, get your own chick and work out the details with her. If you want to swing, find out what the couple wants and make it all about them. If all 3 of you are in agreement and you click, great, MFM's can be a lot of fun. If you don't like their terms just graciously say, "no thank you" and walk away.

[jon0468 16]

Not harsh at all. I understand where it is you are coming from. In the triad relationship that I was in, I was very accommodating and understanding. My wife wanted a relationship with me and this other guy, I was fine with that, I was even fine when he put restrictions on the whole thing. Such as he wanted to be the first sex partner at night, etc. I am very open and liberal. Actually, I like the feeling of a woman that has already been with another man. I, personally, take into consideration what my partner(s) want out of it too. Also, I am not just looking for a piece of ass. I have been looking for, and have been having a hard time finding, a couple that has a bi male, because I am all for everyone getting to play together. I understand that most of the guys that are taken as "not nice" probably don't realize they are being that way. I can only speak for myself. I am not looking for free sex whenever I want it. I am looking for couples, that either want a male for the woman, or a male for the couple. And I am looking for people that I can hang out with outside the bedroom too. There is more to a relationship than sex, and let's face it, any interaction is a relationship. The reason I began looking and discussing within the lifestyle community, is that it seems that those people already in it, are open minded, accepting, friendly, etc. And it's not dating that I am trying to avoid, I guess I don't know how to express myself exactly. I would love to find, date and get involved with a woman that wants to do swap, clubs, parties etc. It's just a new scene to me, and I'm on shaky ground. I have thinking lately that I should try some of the single male nights at some of my local clubs. As always, any input, advice etc is more than welcome. Response is better than crickets, lol.

 

 

I appreciate that you care enough and are passionate about your lifestyle that you are not afraid to get in my face.

 

look forward to more discussion.

[VegasLee 1,486]

A single male in the swinger world is a dildo that talks. You are just a prop for the amuzement and entertainment of the couple just like a dildo or vibrator or some other gadget.

As a person that has been a Swinger for almost thirty years both as a single and married male this has to be the most self-righteous, ignorant, absurd statement I have ever had the displeasure to witness.

 

Swinging started as “recreational sex between consenting adults.” Nowhere did it say it was all about couples ruling the world and using singles as their personal play toys at their whim.

 

This new lifestyle that has come on in the last seven to eight years has become some type of holier than thou crap where many couples feel they are the ruling class and anyone that is not like them has to bow down and look up to them.

 

Fact: No human, single or married is anyone’s talking dildo or there just for their personal entertainment.

 

Fact: In the last five years in a club that see’s 40,000 people a year in it we have had to ban more couples and single women then single men because of the trouble they have caused. (Last Saturday night alone I had to talk to Three couples and only Two single men about respecting others.)

 

Fact: The amount of drama created at gatherings, parties and conventions is mostly caused by couples.

 

Fact: The divorce rate in the “new lifestyle” has skyrocketed because of the way these new couples want to rule the world and think this lifestyle is all about them.

 

Fact: Many husbands today in this lifestyle feel they are “Entitled” to get something because they brought something to the party yet in reality they have nothing more to offer then any single guy. All guys come with a dick.

 

Fact: There is more disrespect of other humans by Married Men then there is by single men in most cases. (The above statement pretty much proves this one.)

 

Fact: There is more lying, cheating husbands online trying to be a Swinger (Cheater) then there is asshole singles. (We have been online since there was an online and have dealt with 1000’s of them.)

 

A few months ago I spent a day wasting a lot of time. I reviewed 500 profiles on a major “swingers site” that had pictures. I banned any profile that their lead picture was a close up shot of a dick or pussy. When I was done I had banned 187 profiles. Out of the 187 profiles 32 of them where single men, 155 of them where COUPLES! Seems that the single men had more good common sense, class and respect then most of the couples did when trying to attract other people to their profile.

 

Are there singles out there without a clue? Hell YES! But from many years of experience both online and off we have found there are many more Husbands that really do not have a clue what this lifestyle is really about and also that have little to no respect for their wives or the wives of others that are really in this lifestyle. We have also found that in “Today’s Lifestyle” couples tend to have much less respect for all people then most singles do.

 

Laura, my wife, is her own person. I do not rule over her and I don’t bring anything to the table as a Swinger. She does as she pleases, plays with who she desires and I do the same. Even though I may have an opinion about someone I do not have any Veto power on who she plays with as she does not have with me. At the same time I do not have the right to say she will play with someone or commit her to playing with anyone and she would never think of doing that to me. It is all about our respect for each other and others. When we got together nothing said one of us had the right to tell the other what they could or could not do in any part of our life.

 

This lifestyle is not just about sex and this Lifestyle is NOT for everyone. Very few people have the right attitude about life to be able to cope in this Lifestyle and do it for the right reasons. You have to have respect for yourself, your spouse, your relationship and everyone else.

[Spoomonkey 421]

Actually, I have been sharing my wife. If you look in the poly forums, I have told some of my story.

 

I do apologize. I do not read the poly forums except on very rare occasions and have not read your story.

 

Recently, at dinner, we asked a single if he could picture himself in the lifestyle when he finds his SO. We had been talking for quite a while and he spent a lot of time talking about this mysterious "someone" that he felt destined to meet.

 

"No," he said. "I want something more traditional. She'll mean too much to me to share."

 

Now - interpret that from the perspective of a husband (and a wife) who are considering the potential of inviting this single man into their sex life. Obviously, the disrespect for us as a couple - and particularly my wife - was pretty blatant.

 

Was he not clearly insinuating that my wife meant less to me than his one day would? Was our relationship just some sort of cheap imitation of this "traditional" one that he was hoping for? Did he really think his romantic musings would win us over?

 

I sincerely do believe that he felt that Mrs Spoomonkey would be moved by it - and push for something with this fellow despite my protestations. Of course, that didn't happen because it made her feel pretty cheap - not swept away as I believe he was hoping. "Oh he is so romantic," she did not say. "How much deeper he will love his wife than my husband loves me."

 

Instead, we rejected him fairly easily. He had said a few impressively stupid things over dinner in his attempt to "woo" Mrs Spoo. And it gave us an interesting glimpse into the mind of a lot of single men out there.

 

I am not the kind of guy who thinks that a single can't be a swinger. I think it takes a special mindset to be a swinger - and being married isn't a prerequisite. However, being a married man in the lifestyle, you do have a much different position than the single man. Most single men that we have met (and it could just be "dumb luck") don't have anything remotely close to the right mindset - that respectful attitude that Vegas Lee talked about.

 

So - I did not have all the facts when reading your post, Jon, and certainly none of this really applies to you since you know how the husbands shoes fit. But this is still a good discussion for singles out there who wonder why things aren't clicking for them.

 

Spoomonkey

[jon0468 16]

Wow, I see your point. I could not interact with someone either that was involved with me/us and then made a comment to suggest that when they reached that stage, it would not be alright. I don't believe in double standards, I suppose it's one thing to change your opinion or viewpoint down the road, but to already have that opinion and engage in that activity anyway, that's not right. I suppose now that I look back at it, I knew our poly relationship would not work out. The oso did not have the consideration that I did. I did not stand in the way of my wife doing what she did, she had the consideration to talk to me about it up front, and she and I were on the same page. And even though the oso said he was ok with it all, in the end I found he was jealous of me, and he was the one that was always imposing rules and restrictions. My wife went along with him out of consideration to him as someone she cared for, and accommodated me as well, out of consideration for me, as someone she cared for too. I just cared and loved her enough that I went along with what she wanted to do.

 

 

At this point, if anyone has any advice for me on how to introduce myself into this lifestyle, please send me messages or post here. I guess I should just go to socials, and just be myself. I will eventually meet someone(single or couple) that can appreciate me and get along with me.

 

 

Thanks again!

[Thrax 384]

It's not that single guys are bad people or that they don't deserve to find some warmth and happiness. It is it that most of them just don't "get it" where swinging couples are concerned. A single male in the swinger world is a dildo that talks. You are just a prop for the amuzement and entertainment of the couple just like a dildo or vibrator or some other gadget. As shocking as that sounds I don't mean that in a bad way or mean it as any offense, just stating the way it comes out in the wash.

Sorry that I'm a tad late to the party.

 

iapr, I read your post some time ago, but actually, it was so long ago that I skipped the parts that happened to be pertinent to me as a single male. You know, the whole dildo thing. Frankly, I didn't know that I maybe should feel offended until VegasLee posted. Serves me right for skimming long posts. And I guess it's a lesson for me to keep my posts succinct AND to read posts on the Board more often.

 

Anyway, I thought about your comment about a single male in the lifestyle being "a dildo that talks." That's pretty clever, but I hope it doesn't quite represent what I or many other single males are, or what we have to offer to single women or the females of couples in the lifestyle.

 

There have been some threads on this Board concerning the role of single males (and singles in general) in the lifestyle, and occasionally just the role(s) of singles in general in the lifestyle/swinging. Some terms have been bandied about. Yeah, some of them are considered "dehumanizing" in this world, but some of them I consider -- often inadvertently -- funny. Single males have been described on this Board as "missing links" and "toys." I have also seen the terms "man whore" and "stunt dick."

 

So, I can add "walking dildo" to the list, I guess. Actually, that's pretty humorous, because not only do I consider myself to be an upright citizen, but some folks think I'm pretty stupid. Batteries optional.

 

Thrax

P.S. Actually, considering "toy", "missing link", "stunt dick", "man whore", and "walking dildo", I think STUNT DICK is preferable. Whether it's true or not.

[TNT 1,155]

Well.... I'm not single and last time I checked I wasn't a man but...I found myself taken back a bit so...I figured I'd comment on a few things

 

 

I think the point Spoomonkey was trying to make was that a lot of single guys come onto swinging sites because they want a free piece of ass and they want it from our wives but what's in it for us? When you make all these "I want" "I want" I want" statements it sounds like it is all about you and your desires and you come looking to fullfill those desires from other guys wives but what do you offer up in return????????

 

 

Well duh....swinging is about a free piece of ass, whether you're male or female...What does a single man offer us? In it's most basic form...Dick...just like he's looking for pussy, we're looking for dick.

 

However....

 

In a GOOD MFM threesome, EVERYONE'S wants and desires are met, NOT just the couples or the single males. This is where communication comes into play...talking to make sure everyone is on the same page and getting whatever it is they want out of the encounter.

 

What's in for me as a swinging husband? What's in it for my wife? And the real $100,00 question of the day is 'WHAT'S IN IT FOR US AS A COUPLE?'

 

For Ted...he gets to see the one thing that he enjoys the most; watching me with another man.

 

For me...I get two men all to my little ole' self...

 

For us....Lots and lots of fun!

 

It ain't about you and your wants and desires it is about what can you provide a couple to fullfill THEIR wants and desires.

 

Strongly disagree with this statement. As previously stated a good threesome is about everyone's wants and desires.

 

 

The problems that most couples have with single men are, in my opinion brought on by themselves...they treat single men as if they are just a "walking dildo" and when the single man treats the female as just a walking vagina, they get pissed and think all single men are assholes.

 

Yes, there are some who just don't get the fact that it's about mutual satisfaction and not just a one way street, but there are also a lot of couples who don't get it either and think it's all about them. A threesome is about three people, not just two or one.

 

At this point, if anyone has any advice for me on how to introduce myself into this lifestyle, please send me messages or post here. I guess I should just go to socials, and just be myself. I will eventually meet someone(single or couple) that can appreciate me and get along with me.

 

Going to socials/clubs that allow single men is a great way to put yourself out there and being yourself is all you can do. Post an ad on one of the many swinger ad sites and state what you're looking for, include a picture of yourself even if it's one that doesn't show your face. There are numerous couples who enjoy the company of single men...some will only want you for a night, some will want an on-going play buddy and some will want even more.

 

 

Teresa

[iapr 24]

To VegasLee, Thrax and TNT, believe it or not I am not a rabid single hater. In fact if you look at my earlier post in this thread I am actually supportive of legit single males. In addition to that I do agree with the vast majority of what you all have said in your rebuttals of my post.

 

I intentionally made a strong statement and used some pretty raw words and images to make a point. I could have used more flowery and PC statements like, "single males make a wonderful augmentation, supplementation and enhancement to a couples lovemaking." would that have made it more palatable?

 

Here's the correlation, my wife LOVES her vibrator and it makes a great enhancement of her as well as our sexual experience however she does not have a relationship with it and when she is in the mood for it she gets it out, turns it on and utilizes it to her satisfaction. It does not tell her when, where or how to use it. The same can be said on almost all counts about single males, the only difference is the single male enjoys it because she is a gorgeous sexy and very talented lover and I am not as much of an asshole in real life as I am here on this board. So I could have used the flowery and PC terms or I could have used the dildo reference , which phrases do you think would have stuck in peoples minds and made an impact the most?

 

Jon0468 made some statements that I believe were from the heart and made out of sincerity but also showed a glimpse of where I think a lot of single males make it difficult for themselves to be accepted by many couples. In using some very frank and graphic terms it made a point and from reading jon0468's posts I think he is smart enough for it to have had an effect and made a point more than many peoples coddeling, "there are some wonderfull single males out there, just be yourself and people will like you......."

 

The truth as I see it is that for many couples introducing a single into their sex life in fact is introducing an augmentation or an enhancement or supplementation or whatever else you want to call it. They are going to want to do it on their terms and not that of some horny guy that just wants a free piece of ass and wants to do it on his terms. If someone wants to be Big John Stud and call all the shots and have it his way that is fine, he can get his own chick and work it out with her. If he wants my wife he is going to have to meet her criteria, do what she wants, how she wants it and follow my rules in the process before, during and after the event. Is that asking a lot of a single guy? Yes it is in a way and not many at all have stepped up to the plate but the ones who have had huge grins on their faces they couldn't wipe off for a week.

 

People bitch and moan that while there are tons of single guys out there there are not any good single men. Well I think this is exactly why that is. All guys want a free piece of ass but while the masses want it on their own terms and to do it their way, only a small few are willing to accomadate the wishes, fantasies and desires of the couple rather than their own urges. Those men are cherished like gold in the lifestyle and those are the very few guys that actually stay in the lifesyle for any length of time. The other 95% get fed up with being rejected all the time and go back to the vanilla meat market bar.

 

Now please keep in mind when I made the referance to dildos and vibrators I was speaking in conceptual terms and did not at any point say that anyone is to be TREATED in any kind of disrespectfull, degrading or abusive manner. All people be they single, couple, male or female deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Nobody has the right to treat anyone badly regardless of anyone's relationship status. And keep in mind that as consenting adults everyone has the right to walk away from anything that they do not feel is for them. If you don't like someones terms, say no thank you and leave it at that.

 

While my verbage was raw and shocking, I do respect and appreciate singles and part of that respect is to be upfront with them and tell them exactly what it is that we want from them and what the rules and expectations are and what they will get in return. They have the right to walk away and many have. The ones who have walked away were the ones that wanted her to meet with them alone at their place in the middle of the night so they could their way with her on their terms. The ones that agreed to our terms had a great night and walked away with week knees and a huge smile.

[iapr 24]

As a person that has been a Swinger for almost thirty years both as a single and married male this has to be the most self-righteous, ignorant, absurd statement I have ever had the displeasure to witness.

 

Swinging started as “recreational sex between consenting adults.” Nowhere did it say it was all about couples ruling the world and using singles as their personal play toys at their whim.

 

This new lifestyle that has come on in the last seven to eight years has become some type of holier than thou crap where many couples feel they are the ruling class and anyone that is not like them has to bow down and look up to them.

 

Fact: No human, single or married is anyone’s talking dildo or there just for their personal entertainment.

 

Fact: In the last five years in a club that see’s 40,000 people a year in it we have had to ban more couples and single women then single men because of the trouble they have caused. (Last Saturday night alone I had to talk to Three couples and only Two single men about respecting others.)

 

Fact: The amount of drama created at gatherings, parties and conventions is mostly caused by couples.

 

Fact: The divorce rate in the “new lifestyle” has skyrocketed because of the way these new couples want to rule the world and think this lifestyle is all about them.

 

Fact: Many husbands today in this lifestyle feel they are “Entitled” to get something because they brought something to the party yet in reality they have nothing more to offer then any single guy. All guys come with a dick.

 

Fact: There is more disrespect of other humans by Married Men then there is by single men in most cases. (The above statement pretty much proves this one.)

 

Fact: There is more lying, cheating husbands online trying to be a Swinger (Cheater) then there is asshole singles. (We have been online since there was an online and have dealt with 1000’s of them.)

 

A few months ago I spent a day wasting a lot of time. I reviewed 500 profiles on a major “swingers site” that had pictures. I banned any profile that their lead picture was a close up shot of a dick or pussy. When I was done I had banned 187 profiles. Out of the 187 profiles 32 of them where single men, 155 of them where COUPLES! Seems that the single men had more good common sense, class and respect then most of the couples did when trying to attract other people to their profile.

 

Are there singles out there without a clue? Hell YES! But from many years of experience both online and off we have found there are many more Husbands that really do not have a clue what this lifestyle is really about and also that have little to no respect for their wives or the wives of others that are really in this lifestyle. We have also found that in “Today’s Lifestyle” couples tend to have much less respect for all people then most singles do.

 

Laura, my wife, is her own person. I do not rule over her and I don’t bring anything to the table as a Swinger. She does as she pleases, plays with who she desires and I do the same. Even though I may have an opinion about someone I do not have any Veto power on who she plays with as she does not have with me. At the same time I do not have the right to say she will play with someone or commit her to playing with anyone and she would never think of doing that to me. It is all about our respect for each other and others. When we got together nothing said one of us had the right to tell the other what they could or could not do in any part of our life.

 

This lifestyle is not just about sex and this Lifestyle is NOT for everyone. Very few people have the right attitude about life to be able to cope in this Lifestyle and do it for the right reasons. You have to have respect for yourself, your spouse, your relationship and everyone else.

 

 

I do want to address this post specifically and I will try and keep it as brief as I can. For starters I did not at any point say that couples rule anything nor did I say that singles are anyone's personal play toys at their whim. the point that I was trying to make was when couples invite a single into their bedroom it is to fulfill their fantasy or for enhancement of their sexual experience. They are not doing it because they know some Joe is horny and they have nothing better to do. In saying the things I did was to provide some insight to jon0468 on how many single males shoot themselves in the foot by coming on to couples in entirely the wrong way by focusing on themselves and their desires rather than that of the couple.

 

I base that on personal experience and observations of countless singles writing to our profile sending dick pictures and saying, "hey baby your hot, wanna come over to my place tonight?" That's an example of daily life on the internet. then while at clubs, I head for the bathroom and within seconds there are single men hitting on my wife and when they see me coming back they disappear into the crowd. And another example is we take the initiative and write to single males and invite them for a meeting and when they find out it is for an MFM threesome and they have to meet us in a public place to get to know each other first then they back out because what they wanted was for her to come to their place in the middle of the night like some free call girl. We have had very very very few single males EVER ask us what her/our interests are and ask what they can do for her/us. And the ones that have asked have in the end had the biggest smiles on their faces. That is what I was trying to relay to jon0468.

 

Now I do want to say that I actually do agree with the majority of what you said in your posts but I do want to point out that we have some pretty different perspectives and that is relavent to this case. The difference between us is you have 30 years of swinging experience and the relationship you have with your wife is very autonomous with a very high degree of freedom and reflective of that of an open marriage/poly-type relationship.

 

My wife and I on the other hand have been swinging for less than 2 years and we only play together in the same room and we each have full unconditional and unquestionable veto power and neither of us would hesitate to invoke that. We often refer to ourselves as a traditional monogamous couple....for 350 days out of the year .

 

You obviously have the greater knowledge and insight into the lifestyle than I do and would on the surface appear to be the greater authority but here is the catch - A garden variety single male is MANY times more likely to encounter a couple like us than a couple like you. A newbie single male is much more likely to encounter a newbie, conservative, low intensity couple that gets out of the house once a month rather than a couple that has been swinging for 30 years and has such a high degree of freedom and autonomy.

 

As such while your perspective on singles may be the more proper and the higher form of existance, my perspective on the roles of singles (be it good or bad, right or wrong) is probably more likely the one that many of the single guys are going to run into. In the end I may be wrong but I am definately not alone and I do believe my advice to jon0468 is very valid.

[VegasLee 1,486]

Nothing Poly about us at all and not by the true definition of open marriage at all.

 

Matter of fact we are together just about 24/7. We own our own businesses here in Vegas so we work together and we party together. We do not "date" other people but that is by our own choice. We go to the club two to three times a week. There we each party with who we want to party with. Once in a great while we all end up in the same room with a couple but I would be willing to bet that does not happen more then twice a year. It is two hard to find four people that like each other enough to want to have sex with each other so we don't tend to look for couples. Other times we may end up in a mfm type thing. Most times we just go with the flow and what happens, happens. We never leave the house with set plans on what we are going to do at the the club on any night.

 

High degree of freedom I will agree with because each of us deserve that and neither of us is in charge of the other. Telling each other what to do or not to do has never been a part of our relationship.

 

It might be the type of club or the part of the county but we have found that most of the couples that have been swinging for a long time as we have pretty much have the same attitude and treat everyone the same way as we do. We even find some of the newbies that feel the same way. Guess it is just a frame of mind, the part that we enjoy about our relationship and the Lifestyle.

 

As in this Lifestyle is not for everyone Our way of life is not for everyone. In both cases most people do not have the frame of mind or the relationship to live the way we do. It works for us and bottom line that is all that really matters to us.

[jon0468 16]

Actually, I have been sharing my wife. If you look in the poly forums, I have told some of my story.

 

 

After reading this post of mine, I thought I may have been coming across as snooty or arrogant. I just wanted to apologize to Spoo and anyone else that may have taken it in the way it reads. I was not suggesting that since people are on this forum that they would have read my posts in Poly, I just wanted to comment that they were there and give a little background.

 

Again, apologies to anyone that thought I was being snotty!

 

 

Thanks!

[Spoomonkey 421]

After reading this post of mine, I thought I may have been coming across as snooty or arrogant.

 

I didn't take it that way at all. I appreciated the clarification and it gave me a chance to make my point a bit clearer and tell the story associated with it.

 

Spoomonkey

[austxmark 41]

Well I am a Nice single guy. I do not have a lot of problems meeting couples generally speaking. I do see that most couples are not looking for a nice single guy, they say they are, but frequently what they want is a hung stud with a hard body. A guy who is very hot and has a big dick is sometimes not all that nice..He does not have to develop the good personality. He can "lean" on his looks and cock size. If a couple truely wants a nice guy they should look for an average guy, generally speaking.

[Chicup 41]

Well I am a Nice single guy. I do not have a lot of problems meeting couples generally speaking. I do see that most couples are not looking for a nice single guy, they say they are, but frequently what they want is a hung stud with a hard body. A guy who is very hot and has a big dick is sometimes not all that nice..He does not have to develop the good personality. He can "lean" on his looks and cock size. If a couple truely wants a nice guy they should look for an average guy, generally speaking.

 

Just like in dating, when the women say they want the nice guy and go for the bad boy

 

I think the biggest problem for single men is that couples will be much more picky on single men than the male in a couple. If you are a stud and a nice guy I'm sure you can do well as a single male, if you are just a nice guy, it will be take a number for most couples.

[Tom4Fun 15]

It's funny, it seems like everyone who is looking for a single guy is in another state than me. I'm thinking I should move to texas.

 

Did you share pictures and everything before you met. Is it an attraction thing maybe?

[ShellyM 0]

I have had the pleasure of meeting some very nice, respectful single gentlemen. They are out there.

Shell

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here- We've only been to a few clubs and always focused on couples. Yet, I thought I was talking to a man with his wife next to him. Then she left and I realized I had assumed incorrectly. His name was Mark and when I asked if he was with anyone he explained that he wasn't. He was such a genuine person when Eddie came back I asked if he'd consider allowing me a romp with Mark. He was such a dear and said,'yes,' with a big smile. In fact he said,"I'll just let you two Play."

 

Mark is one of my fondest sexual memories. It was one of the most rewarding combinations of seduction, lovemaking and pure fucking that I ever had in a single experience. We found a nice room and we had sex for three hours. Eddie just peaked in a couple of times and was plain happy (as he always is) for me.

 

There are good and bad couples, single men and single women. No one has an exclusive on graciousness.

[DBL D 120]

I LOVED YOUR STORY, Edison Carter facelick

 

Male D