Want to find professional couples we can be friends with

[funguy500 15]

I have never written a message like this in my life. However, my wife and I are at our wits end with swinging in general. We have encountered so much frustration over the last year that I have decided to write this in the hopes that someone can help us. We need advice and we need it bad. If things don’t improve we are going to quit the lifestyle all together. It just isn’t worth the frustration that we are experiencing. This is supposed to be fun, right?

 

I guess the first question I should pose to everyone is, Is there any other couples like us that swing? About 2 years ago when I decided to research swinging, I talked to many couples. I wanted to research the topic well so I could bring the idea to my wife and have all the facts for her. Anyways, I talked to a lot of people. They all assured me that there are many different people that do this sort of thing. A lot of them are professional people, just like us. People like doctors, lawyers, teachers, etc. Well, can I ask.. Where are these people?? It’s been 2 years and we are still looking for them. Not to say that people in non-professional careers are bad people, but the whole idea to us was we wanted to find people we had things in common with. We wanted to have fun with these people out of the bedroom as well and hopefully become friends. We aren’t the type of people that would just ‘do” a couple then never seem the again. We wanted people who felt the same way. I posed that question to many couples in my research. What do you think they said? They said, “sure sure, a lot of couples want that”. Well, WHERE ARE THESE PEOPLE? It’s been 2 years and we haven’t found them either.

 

My wife and agreed when we started swinging that it was never going to be a “lifestyle” thing for us. It was something we wanted to do for fun and didn’t want it to become an obsession. Hardcore swingers we definitely aren’t, and it seems like all the couples we meet are hardcore swingers. Let me ask everyone.. Do people like us exist? My wife and I want to meet couples that, like us, are professionals, like other things besides swinging, and are willing to be friends outside the bedroom as well as in. We are looking for a couple we can go out with one night, have incredible sex with, but then the next night have them over for dinner to just hang out and watch a movie. Do these kinds of people exist? People that arent interested in playing games. People that just wanna have HOT SEX and make friends.

 

For the past year now, its been one frustration after another with the SLS website and the parties we have attended. I must say however, that sls has been the worse one out of those two things. I would have to say that a good 80% of the couples on that site fall into the following groups: a)men posing as couples, b)couples that never plan to meet anyone, they just like the thrill of talking to people about swinging, c)the kind of people that never want to commit to meeting , d)the people that say they are too busy and yet are on the SLS site 24/7, e) the infamous pic traders and f) just fake people in general that like to play games. We are all the REAL couples? Are they on different swinging sites? Again, I’m sure there are a lot of great couples out there, but we have not really been able to find any and we don’t know what we are doing wrong. People don’t even have the common courtesy to email back when you write them. What’s up with that? It’s so rude.

 

We did have our share of good luck when we first started swinging but after 2-3 couples, it all went downhill. Most are just fake people. People who string you along then cancel out of meeting or stand you up all together. We just wanna meet a nice couple like us that matches what we want, and not the mold of the standard hardcore swinger. Don't get me wrong, my wife and I know how to have fun, but we aren’t as brazen about it as some swingers, if that makes any sense. Discretion is a key thing with us.

 

Anyways, I feel a lot better get all this out and I appreciate everyone that took the time to read it. Now what? Does any have any advice for us. We are a good looking, mid-30’s couple, height/weight proportionate and wanna have fun with other couples! We live in the Central NY area and if you are reading this and think we might be compatible, please email us at cutecnycpl@yahoo.com. Also, please, this email is not intended to bash people. We posted this in order to see what we are doing wrong and hopefully continue swinging rather than quitting all together.

[SJK977 15]

We have had some of the same problems as you. In a year, we have 3 experiences. As for "professional", that depends on what you're talking about. From what you describe, you seem to mean more of a highly educated type. There are plenty of professionals around who did not complete extensive schooling and training such as doctors and lawyers, so maybe you need to adjust your expectations accordingly. It's definitely work to find compatible couples, and obviously, with more criteria, the more difficult it will be to find them. This is where we are at, with reduced expectations and more of a relaxed search..

 

Now, as for the other issues...from what we've seen on this site and others, it's pretty common that there are fakes, pic collectors, etc. We have attended several meet and greets with little success as well. Seems most who are there go all the time and know each other, whereas we only go from time to time. Plus, we can be shy at times. Still working on breaking out of that shell at these events. It can be frustrating, but since it is not an all the time thing for us, we don't get too concerned about it. Between our schedule, others' schedules, kids, etc. it can be difficult to just set up a meet, nevermind actually play! Through all that, we have had a few fun get togethers though, and those experiences are what keep us interested.

 

Good luck!

[wyandly 15]

Quick Question: Did you ever actually "swing", i.e. hook up with people for the night and have sex, softswap, etc.?

I dont mean any disrespect, as I am assumming that you have. I am only asking because I have read many of this stuff before, and ususaly the kind of challenges people in your situation encounter are 1) not able to find acceptable play partners to start with, and/or 2) they actually find partners, but the experiences aren't enjoyable or something they want to repeat.

I'm not a swinger myself, but I almost positive the answer will help those who do have the experience and advice you're are seeking. I wish you good luck as I hand this off to those more capable than myself. I hope you find the answers.

 

Edit: My bad, I found the part where you said " after 2-3 couples", sorry.

[funguy500 15]

yes, we have had 2 successful soft swap experiences when we first started this but like i said, its been about a year since we have met any couples that didnt stand us up, been fakers, pic traders etc.

You are right, we are educated but definately arent snobs. We just wanna find nice people that we have things in common with.

[VegasLee 1,486]

You are finding what I call the "New Lifestyle" that does not really involve near as many "Swingers" as it used to be.

 

75% of the people that are in the "Lifestyle" are not swingers. Same with the number of people that show up at Swing Clubs and Conventions in most cases.

 

Yes, there are many professionals that are in the Lifestyle and some of them are even Swingers. No larger % then what regular folk are though. We see attorneys, Doctors, Military Brass, Police officers, Judges and others each and every week at the club we go to. Most of them that are Swingers are just into it for Swinging though and are not looking to be your life long buddy and hang out with your family. They keep those lives separate.

 

You seem to be looking for a mix of things. The old lifestyle was about sex and sometimes you ended up making friends with the people you had sex with. Many in the new Lifestyle like to hang around the people that have sex, want to make friends and do things that friends do. In many years, (Over 25) of Swinging we have made a few friends of couples that we have partied with. (Less then a dozen) Seems that once they become friends we don't have sex with them anymore. It is not just us, it seems to be that way with just about every one that we have made "Friends" with. They are the same way. Always looking for new Swingers but not looking for new friends and they don't have sex with their friends often if at all.

 

Swinging used to be easy and kept the drama and emotions down. You went, had sex with people. Maybe you got their name, maybe you did not. No Drama, no stress and the divorce rate among Swingers was very low. Today many are looking to go to dinner, dances, hang out with the families. Building relationships outside of their marriage. The divorce rate has gone up, the stress, drama and there is a lot less Swinging among people that claim to be in the Lifestyle these days also.

 

I understand since you are looking for friends with benefits that you want people you feel are at your level professionally. You are also seeing in two years this has not been fun for you by reading your post here. Your right, this is supposed to be about having fun and enhancing your own relationship. If I read your post right it has not done either for you.

 

I am not saying what you want is not out there but maybe you are looking for to much out of this. Maybe it is not the right idea to mix your professional friends with your idea of Swinging. Maybe having two circle of friends would be better for you. Ones you can go out to dinner and spend the evening with doing other things and if you want to Swing then go to swing clubs and swing and leave it at that. Have the best of both worlds without all the stress that this seems to have caused for you.

 

We are Swingers, we go to meet other Swingers, people to have sex with. We don't go looking for friends even though at times we end up becoming friends with the people we have had sex with. Our life is very good and it works for us. What we do is not for everyone but we don't have the stress and drama that we see with many in the "New Lifestyle" and we are still together.

 

Don't know that anything I have said will make things easier for you but good luck to you either way. Remember two things if nothing else, your relationship with your wife is the most important and Swinging is NOT for everyone.

[Mr. Truelove 81]

Vegas Lee brought up some interesting points.

 

I don't think I fall into his "New Lifestyle" definition. Do we want to be friends with the people we swing with? Sure, that would be great. But what we put in our profile is. "We don't have to be friends, we just have to be able to be friends." I just want to be sure we are compatable, then away we go. If we just end up as aquaintances, then so be it. If we end up as friends, well great, we always welcome new friends, who doesn't? I don't think I agree that anonymous sex and don't get your names before we have sex type attitudes fit us well, and if that's swinging then it might not be for me.

 

I do agree though that looking for people that want to be friends and almost "date" a while before swinging might be in for some dissapointments. The majority of the people I have met or coresponded with in the lifestyle are certainly not that way. You might still be able to find what you are looking for, but you are looking at a lot more work involved. Good luck in your search.

[funguy500 15]

Its not like we have to be "buddies" with these people all the time, but we just arent the kind of people to just go fuck anyone. We would really like to meet 4 couples we really like to swing with and then stop looking for awhile. That would be the ideal situation for us. A small circle of swinging friends that we had things in common with. I didnt think it would be that hard but we are finding out that its almost impossible.

[Chicup 42]

We are some of those swingers that VegasLee talks about in that we are looking for people we can meet up with the kids for a picnic when not swinging.

 

Ironically I'm also a doctor so I guess we fit the kind of people you were looking for.

 

I think what you are experiencing is the needle in the haystack that swinging is. First you are talking about maybe 2% of the population who is open to this, and even a smaller % of that with the guts to look openly for it. Then you are looking for people you are attracted to, which narrows that small % down to even fewer, followed by personalities you like, which is even smaller.

 

So you are looking for "Professional" couples, who you want to have sex with physically, who are also fun to hang with, who happen to want to swing with you too, and are into the 'friends' aspect of swinging. I'm going to guess thats quite literally one in a million.

 

In our 7 or so years of swinging, we have found a few couples that want to really be 'friends' and I'm sure in some cases we have turned them off somehow and in others, they were just not interested in that aspect of the lifestyle and others we had no interest in being friends with. We've met company executives, doctors, a school superintendent, I couldn't tell you how many teachers, etc, just like the swinger stereotype is but few are looking for that whole package where everyone fits everyone's elses criteria.

 

We did find one couple, local, who we have really clicked with and we have been friends for 5 or so years now, and we talk about just how lucky we were to find each other because they have had the same issues.

 

In the long run I think VegasLee is correct. Go in from the sexual aspect and if you become friends great, but going into looking for friends is going to just be frustrating for most people.

[wewannabebad2 85]

Hi funguy, we ask ourselves the same questions every day. For us however we are trying to take everybody's advice and just be patient. My grandmother used to say patience is a virtue but there are some days that we just want to kick virtue out the door . SLS has not worked for us either and because of hubby's job we don't go to clubs in our area. So our next approach is we are going to a nudie camp out at the nudie Ranch in May.

[shy_couple 460]

We are having some of the same problems with getting started. We also are a professional couple with a family. We are having difficiulty mainly because we are too picky and afraid that a wrong choice could leave us not wanting to pursue the lifestyle any further or worse damage or relationship, family, or career.

We are being choosy but also we are reluctant to give out our pics and information for fear that it will be misused or turn up somewhere embarrasing. We are opposite from you in the regard that we don't want friends to pal around with. We would like to meet sincere, educated people that we are attracted to. But due to family and career issues personal and lifestyle friends need to be separate for us. I agree with another post that we aren't looking for friends just chemistry. Again someone that we are attracted to and feel comfortable with. At this point we dont see ourselves swinging with any regularity. If we can get a positive first experience under our belt this may be something we try 2-3 times per year.

We are also a little frustrated with our slow start but SLS seems to be a little better than other sites if you are a paid member. You can block your profile noncouples and from free account members you can also search for people who have been certified. This doesn't eliminate all fakes but should cut down on them drastically.

Most of the feed back given has been good for us to hear as well. We probably fall into the "New Lifestyle" catagory mentioned in another post. We have been to one club but were a little shy and overwhelmed. So we ended up not meeting anyone but had a great time together. Another factor is that we could both both stand to lose 40-50 lbs each (it sort of got away from us after the kids). We would like to find someone our age, both attractive(not necessarily thin), intelliigent, and our own race (dont judge just a preferance). In other words we want it all and are willing to sacrifice little. Its probably not a popular view on this board although from most of the postings and surveys I believe that most of the people are new and have not yet had anencounter yet and are using the board for fact gathering. I believe that wil lock us firmly into the New Lifestyle catagory.

Sorry this rambled a bit but it seems that the original poster is having some of the same issues that we are and this my taKe. Please dont be too harsh on us I just wanted to post an honest point of view.

[funguy500 15]

shy_couple,

This is exactly the kind of feedback im looking for. I appreciate and thank you for your opinions. Thanks to everyone so far! Maybe we just have to be patient for longer than we expected. One thing we dont want to do though is do this for the wrong reasons. We dont want to settle, ya know? We want what we want from this and thats it.

[good times 991]

I really can't add much to what VegasLee said in his excellent post other than to reiterate that the so called, "friends first" scenario is the hard way to do it. We have been lucky in that we have made a few good friends with people we have met through the lifestyle, but I will admit, if this was a requirement for us to play with people, we would have quit a long time ago from frustration.

[marieandbrian 15]

Hi there! We have been in the 'lifestyle' for almost 3 years now and have had a very difficult time finding people we BOTH are interested in. We are also choosy, and want to have the best time possible. In our opinion, trying to find a couple for friends first is just not worth the time it would take. We have been very fortunate to have met some awesome people from the SLS site and they have become friends, two couples in particular and we feel really fortunate. We also suggest checking out House Parties in your area, we have found it to be a great way to meet couples, we may not 'play' with them right off, but we are able to get to know them a bit better than just relying on emails.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

THere have been some excellent posts already. I just want to say YES we/they do exist. Most of the people we have met do fall into that category. I will say this, I have not found the internet to be the best way to meet people. Find a social near you, not an on-premise swinger club, but a social where you can go and meets lots of people at one time. Talk to the people who are there and find people you have things in common with. Then exchange info and make plans to meet for dinner or something later. This has worked well for us to meet people we can actually get along with, without wasting myriads of time filtering emails or dealing with people not showing up, or worse showing up and being so boring that we feel like we wasted what could have been a perfectly good dinner together.

[mrmass 15]

Hi fun, I just got finished reading your thread. Me and Mr Mass are having the same problem but I felt funny writing about it because we thought we were the only ones.

We have been soft swinging with one couple for a year now and it has been fun but we want to meet new couples. It has been very hard and yes we are on SLS also but have had no luck with it. We are in the chat room alot and have made great friends in there but with our luck they all live to far away. I hope you have better luck with it than me and Mr Mass.

[havefuninsun 122]

Hi Funguy -- I think there are a lot of folks in the same boat. We've been dabbling and meeting folks for a little over a year -- and we have met a lot of the "type" of people you're looking for, so I know that they're there. It's hard to click with another couple, that's for sure. In our ideal world, we'd love to have good friends in the vanilla sense who then want to also expand their horizons -- a trust factor, I suppose. But that's not the case. We don't spend a ton of energy trying to meet folks and appreciate the ones we have met.

 

We'll get there

[funguy500 15]

yes, i think might just take that philosophy now. Dont try so hard and just let it happen. Still, its just so frustrating. I wish someone would create a swinging website for people like us. hmmm... now there's an idea.

[VegasLee 1,486]

I wish someone would create a swinging website for people like us. hmmm... now there's an idea.

 

Would mind explaining what the criteria would be to join that web site?

[Chicup 42]

Would mind explaining what the criteria would be to join that web site?

 

www.nonpolybutfriendswhitecollarswingingfunclub.com

[funguy500 15]

I dont know, i sorta resent that last remark. Its almost like you think that wanting to swing with people that are also your friends is wrong or somehow not "hip".

Whats wrong with finding people to swing with that we can also connect with from a personality standpoint. Thats all we are wanting. For some swingers, its purely physical and thats all they need from the other people. We need more than that.

[Cpl2share 147]

To reinforce what everyone else is saying: Yes, we are out there. We fit into the educated/professional/business owner category. In our limited (4 years) experience, we have only found one other couple who fit into the same criteria that you have posed. It was fun while we hung with this couple. That ended about a year ago. Since then we have communicated with others and are developing some "relationships" before "jumping in the sack" with them. If it is worth the wait it is worth the wait. If you can not take your time to find what you want or are unwilling to do so, either quit looking or change your standards.

[LOL_OMG 130]

Fun ... it truly is possible to find these folks. In the past few years since we've started we've made not only friends with benefits but friends we would consider close. Friends we want to travel with, friends we can laugh with, dance with, snuggle and fuck with.

 

There's nothing better IMO. I say hang in there. Go to meet & greets but don't be shy, strike up a conversation...you never know what awaits you.

No doubt we've been blessed with meeting some wonderful people, and I've been blessed with a guy who likes to socialize lol.

 

Mrs

[funguy500 15]

Thanks Mrs..

[graygo98 148]

Whats wrong with finding people to swing with that we can also connect with from a personality standpoint.

 

I don't know, but then again I am not the one that started this thread off. Weren't you the one that was having problems? Maybe that's what's wrong with the approach in question. It's frustrating, very complicated and, from your comments, apparently not too rewarding.

[good times 991]

Whats wrong with finding people to swing with that we can also connect with from a personality standpoint.

Nothing wrong with it really, almost impossible to do in reality. People go to clubs or sign up on internet swinger dating sites to find people to have sex with. I can tell you that it is possible to become friends with some of those people as we have done it. The problem is, it was always, find somebody to have sex with, have sex with them, and then over time become friends. If we had to somehow determine if we were going to be able to be friends before we had sex with them, we never would have had sex with anybody yet, nor would we have become friends with anyone in the lifestyle. In my opinion, the "friends first" scenario is almost impossible to achieve. What makes it even harder to achieve is that, like I think Vegaslee said above, in many cases, once we actually became friends we didn't feel like having sex any more. Maybe it is just me, but once you become friends with someone, and are included in all of their life's struggles, they no longer are as sexually stimulating as when you weren't interacting on such a personal level.

 

From your post you seem to have the belief that most swingers do not want to be friends with playmates. While their are a few swingers that feel this way, most that we know are open to becoming friends with other swingers. The thing is, friendships are not something that can be easily arranged even in the vanilla world. I know a lot of people in my non-swinging professional life, yet I am friends with very few of them. We have more in common with them than some of the friends we have made through swinging, but our personalities just don't mesh in a way that we can become good friends.

 

I wish you luck, and I understand what your desire is, but I know I wouldn't have the patience to do it the way you would like. We have been actively swinging for over five years now, and in all that time we have never played with anyone that we knew we could be friends with before we played. I also know that had I insisted that I get to know each of our playmates to see if we connected on a personality level well enough to become friends, we never would of played with anyone, as they would have gotten tired of waiting for us to commit and moved on long before that. Keep in mind, I am not saying we will just play with anyone, in fact the most common reason we have for declining to play with someone is that after talking with them for a few minutes we find that our personalities just don't mesh. Between the people we meet who's personalities obviously don't mesh with ours, and the people we mesh well enough with to become lifelong friends, is a large range of people who we mesh well enough with to have some great sex though.

[funguy500 15]

Maybe I should clarify a little better. We arent looking to be best buddies with these people. We arent looking to be in their wedding party. All we want is to have things in common with these people other than the fact that we like to have couples sex. We arent looking for a long drawn out relationship before the playtime starts. In fact, we dont want that at all. We just want to find people that mesh with our personality and general way of life. Non-hardcore swingers who don't consider themselves "lifestylers". Thats what we want.

Geez..i thought posting would make us feel better but for me, its making me feel more depressed. Like we will never find anyone

[havefuninsun 122]

Maybe I should clarify a little better. We arent looking to be best buddies with these people. We arent looking to be in their wedding party. All we want is to have things in common with these people other than the fact that we like to have couples sex. We arent looking for a long drawn out relationship before the playtime starts. In fact, we dont want that at all. We just want to find people that mesh with our personality and general way of life. Non-hardcore swingers who don't consider themselves "lifestylers". Thats what we want.

Geez..i thought posting would make us feel better but for me, its making me feel more depressed. Like we will never find anyone

 

 

I understand EXACTLY what you're looking for -- exactly the same thing we're looking for, exactly the same thing some of the couples we've met are looking for. Too bad you guys aren't in Virginia -- I know successful couples operating in this way.

 

We don't consider ourselves "lifestylers" -- we don't like labels of any sort. We don't want to be anyone's god parent; we want to play with folks we would find fun to hang out with otherwise. Friends with benefits. I get it ... and it can happen, really.

 

There are a lot of different ways to look at this activity of sharing ones partner, none are better than the others. I think it would be MUCH easier to hook up if we were just in it for sex -- hell, we could club every weekend and get a piece of ass. That's not what we want either.

 

We realize what we want is hard to come by. But that's our preference. We will continue to chat with folks, meet with folks, hopefully play with folks and see what happens. In our ideal world, we would have a circle of friends to play with ... three or four trusted couples. We haven't found that yet, but again, we do know those who have. And they're having a BALL.

 

(hopefully some of those folks will chime in).

 

So -- keep going at your pace. Once you find what you're looking for, all of this will seem worth it

[Mr. Truelove 81]

Geez..i thought posting would make us feel better but for me, its making me feel more depressed. Like we will never find anyone

 

When you put yourself out there you can't be dissappointed when people don't agree with you. It happens. As you've noticed, some do, some don't. But I wouldn't feel depressed, more agreed than I thought would.

 

Mr. Truelove

[funguy500 15]

we didnt post in the hopes people would agree with us. We posted because we wanted peoples opinions and needed help. Its just depressing. We had hoped finding couples would be alot easier than this. I must say thank you thought to all that have private messaged us with advice. Also thanks to a few that we actually may meet!! YAY!!

[Tybee Swing 286]

Hi funguy,

 

What you seek - some sort of personality connection before jumping in the sack - sounds very normal and common to me. Lots of people want this. We're like that, too. For us, that's part of the attraction we have toward people, and not a small part.

 

For the past year now, its been one frustration after another with the SLS website and the parties we have attended. I must say however, that sls has been the worse one out of those two things.

 

I wondered....have you tried other websites? Maybe there's another website or two that tends to have more people in your area than SLS has. Some sites are more regionally popular than others. Some sites attract different types of people. It might be worth it to try another site or two, just to see.

 

What about trying swinger's clubs? If you have the impression that they're just for hardcore lifestylers, it might surprise you. You don't have to venture past the main social areas of the club if you don't want to. Some people go to clubs to meet the 'real' swingers in their area, avoiding the fakes on the websites. (This alone can save you a lot of time and wasted energy.) If there's attraction and interest, you could take it from there to meet another time in a different setting, perhaps a hotel room or someone's home when you're ready. Not everyone who utilizes the clubs is there for gangbanging and open room free-for-alls. We've met a wide variety of people at clubs with a variety of styles or approaches (although admittedly we don't personally have much club experience).

 

One more thought...is there anything in your profile that may be inadvertently keeping away some of the people you'd like to meet, or drawing some of the people you'd like to avoid? Sometimes it can help a lot to tweak things up or do an overhaul of your profile. It can help to have others look over your profile and give you their impressions of how you might represent yourselves a little better or a little more clearly. Just something to think about!

[sereneiders 263]

It seems to me there are two different things you're complaining about. 1) The hard time you're having to find out couples you'd feel confortable enough as to be friends, besides swinging, and 2) your experience with SLS and the sort of people you found out.

 

For the second part, I don't know SLS, never used the service (I am not in the States and I doubt it'd work for us where we are), and we're reluctanct to meet people online or this way. We use to hang out in local swingers chatrooms and forums, from time to time we arrange group meetings at clubs with the couples we already know or want to meet, or we just arrange a meeting at a club with some couple, without much of a "compatibility prescreening" on line. This is because we're confident on our ability to prescreen people face ot face, and not so confident about the relaiability of the on line medium for the same purpose, and the club relieves us all from any commitment, should we not "click" with them, we all still have the chance to enjoy the evening.

 

But, the first part is the one I'd like to address here. I consider myself a professional, well, actually, I AM a professional besides an unfinished degree. The fact is, within my profession actually no one can tell I am not "formally" one, and most people are surprised when they know for sure I am "not supposed to be one". As for my wife, she's a professional herself with a finished degree, i.e., a "professional". I wonder if we could be elegible playmates for you, bur from what you said in the first post, I wouldn't dare to contact you just to test these waters, moreover when the world is full of couples who doesn't put over our shoulders the burden of their expectations.

 

But, we once had the same sort of concerns. When we started, we wanted to be able to develop friendships, and we gave for granted that, for this to happen, people had to fit a similar level of "literacy" or "intellectual development". What we found out is:

 

When we wanted to be able to make friends first and have sex later, we were fooling ourselves. The motto says "you can make friends of swingers, but you cannot make swingers of friends", and we pursued the second. And the only couples up to do the same were the ones with the same level of experience as swingers as we had: none or barelly some.

 

The fact is, the whole "friendship" requirement, as a precondition, is the way to preserve an illusion of being safe and having some degree of control for the sexual experience to come. We pursue to bring this new experience into a better known terrain from our current "social" experience, as if swinging were able to fit this mold. What often happens is that everyithing we know before swinging doesn't prepare us to understand the swinging dynamics nor how it will affect ourseves and our relationships.

 

This is much like the joke about the mathematician who's being asked to boil water, given a fire, a pot and a wodden bucket with water: he fills the pot from the bucket, then put the pot over the fire. Then he's asked to do the same, but this time the pot already have water inside. What the guy does is to dump the water from the pot to transform the problem into another one whose answer he already knows, and from there to apply the well known answer: fill the pot with the water from the bucket and put it over the fire. I feel when we wanted our playmates to be friends before having sex, we was attempting the same approach, instead of taking adventage of what we already have for granted, try to throw it away and build a relationship with the future playmates on the same "social" grounds we already knew and we were already confortable with as to believe it'd be more easy, safe, and controlled to have sex with them from this point.

 

Of course, we don't do this anymore, nor accept this approach from potential playmates asking to do the same with us, just to preserve and unneeded illusion. And once you aquire this experience, you understand you can actually enjoy swinging without impose yourself and other standards having nothing to do with swinging.

 

Does this mean you cannot make friends in the lifestyle? No, and the fact is, we have great friends, people we use to hang uo with, doing other things like watching movies or going out for a dinner. But we swung with them before, and afterwards we found out we have more things in common as to develop a friendship. And notice this is the same that happens in any other scenario: you don't pursue friendship with unknown people in order to meet an unrelated personal goal involving these people. Instead, you meet people interested and "usefull" for your goal, and LATER you develop a friendship with SOME of them.

 

The other big surprise for us was, to find out people worth enough to develop a friendship that has very few in common with us, regarding our original "intellectual development" and "literacy" requirements. It's just that the whole mindsetting shared as swingers turned into something valuable enough, and even more than the other requirements that would be suitable for a "vanilla" friendship. Moreover, this mindsetting already required certain "intellectual requirements", even when not necesarily backed up with a resume or a formal education.

 

For example, one of these couples we're friends of, the husband is a construction worker, and the wife works in a shop. Without involving the lifestyle, there wound't be ANY chance for us to develop a friendship with those guys. But we meet them in the club, we swung with them, we found out their were upfront and honest about everything, things like the guy preformance concerns, or disclosing phylosophical toughts about the lifestyle, the human relationships, the issues swinger's faces, that lead us to believe he was "literate enough". Later on, talking with them about "what we do for living", we knew of those folks "resume". This guy reached to many of the same points without any formal education, without reading as much as we did, on his own, thinking alone while carrying buckets of plaster. As for me, this is way more valuable than relying on education for the intellectual development. This guy mind worths it weight in gold, and I just wonder where this guy could be if he ever had the chance of the formal education the fate deprived him of. Most of the professionals I know of doesn't have this guy ability to analyze human behavior, nor the world around them. I wouldn't even dare to put him down just because of his lack of education.

 

This leads me to wonder what you wrote in your SLS profile, because giving our current experience, someone asking for a "professional resume" as a precondition to swing with us (or just to "become friends"), isn't elegible for us anymore as a playmate... and even less as a firend.

[RidesLikeNew 45]

Do you remember what it was like to be dating in the vanilla world???

 

I can sure remember having many of the same frustrations you describe when I was just looking to pair up two. When you consider that whenever four or more are gathered, you get a committee...

 

And the truth is, all the good ones find their circle, then stop cruising sites like SLS.

 

If you want to find a better quality of response from SLS, you might consider getting a new e-mail address and creating a new profile. Or maybe that's completely verboten.

 

Cheers, Mrs. R