Is the guilt normal?

[swingcouple69 25]

Well we've been to a club twice and love it both times. The second time which was just this past Saturday, I had sex with a man other than my husband for the first time. We were all in the same room and Hubby was with "His" wife giving and receiving oral. She is recently post surgery so we knew that the she was unable to "full swap" and Hubby was still game. What I mean by the first time is that this was the first time EVER that I've had sex with a man other than Hubby. We've been together for a total of 17 years and married for 11. So my problem lies with the guilt that I seem to feel now. The experience in a whole was awesome. The guilt set in the next day. I was literally in tears for 2 days. Hubby and I had a wonderful conversation last night and he has relieved most of that guilt. I'm no longer in tears or afraid to look Hubby in the face. I found out that he literally loved it. Honestly, as of now I'm game to do it again. My question is, is it normal to feel a certain amount of guilt the very first time? Or should we just quit the lifestyle? A friend of mine who is also a swinger told me that if I feel guilty at all and because I took it so bad, she doesn't think we should do it again. I DO NOT want to quit. I enjoyed the experience and want to do it again. I think it was because "HE" was the first man other than Hubby. Can you all please help? Is it normal to have some guilt? Should we quit?

 

Thanks for all your help!

[Happypair 15]

You are probably quite correct that the degree of guilt you felt/feel is largely related to the fact that you had never before been with someone other than your husband. This is a major departure from societal norms, religious teaching and in general the rules that most of us have lived by until we break free. Your comment about finally being able to look your husband in the eye is interesting. That seems to say that you feel you have betrayed him. But you also say that he is supportive, that he loved watching you. The two things that give swingers the most difficulty are jealousy and dishonesty. Neither of these seems to be an issue with the two of you. You and your hubby obviously communicate well, another big plus in the lifestyle. Ask yourself these three questions: Was anyone hurt by your actions? Was anyone deceived? Was anyone jealous? If not, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Welcome to the lifestyle. We say proceed cautiously, but proceed.

[spectraschain 21]

Welcome to the lifestyle. We say proceed cautiously, but proceed.

Very well put. Exactly what we say....

[mfmyeahbaby 19]

Is this the only swing experience you've had? I say yes at first it is very natural to feel a little quilt. I mean who knows at first how someone will take seeing their mate having sex with someone else. you've been with husband exclusively before now and that is the majority of your guilt. just like you said, he helped with your guilt by talking to you about that experience and your outcome was delighted and ready to go again. that same excitement is the reason for mfm play altogether. take it slow and respect yourself and as the male half of a married couple that mfm only, learn how to enjoy having two men wanting to please you and empower yourself. If your husband is like me, his enjoyment of mfm play will stem around your outcome, the better for you the better for him, and all you got to do is enjoy yourself as intended. men who want to see their wives or girlfriends having sex with another man are a dime a dozen, a woman into having 2 men and fully getting into that is rare. enjoy and I wish you luck and happy sex.

[good times 991]

I can't really say that what your feeling is normal or not as we didn't have these feelings nor do we know anyone personally who has. It really doesn't matter though, what matters is how you handle your feelings. If it is something that keeps recurring and you can't get over it, then maybe this just isn't for you. On the other hand, if like most of us you recognize and accept these feelings that crop up from time to time for what they are, and handle them in a satisfying way so that they cease to be a problem, then I have to agree with the others, "proceed cautiously, but proceed."

[JTcamp05 9]

Sounds pretty normal to me. When we started we jumped in very quick and we both felt a little guilt...... after weighing the good and bad, we chose to go into situations we were comfortable with on an indivual basis. Each person has there own level of comfort. Even if your a couple of mamy years and experiences your not going to have the same opnion about everything.

 

We decided to scrap the expectations and relax. Simply put we do what were comfortable with at the time. We have zero guilt and always make the most of it.

 

Sounds like you have had your first taste and want more. Keep up the good communication and enjoy!

[Tybee Swing 286]

There is no reason to quit. Here's why:

 

Well we've been to a club twice and love it both times.

 

The experience in a whole was awesome.

 

Hubby and I had a wonderful conversation last night .... I found out that he literally loved it. Honestly, as of now I'm game to do it again.

 

I DO NOT want to quit. I enjoyed the experience and want to do it again.

 

Your situation of having no other sexual history aside from your husband is fairly unique in this community. I can't say how I'd have felt the first time I tried full swap in your shoes, but I'd expect to have some kind of feeling about that. I think you're normal.

 

All that matters is that you loved it, you both loved it, and you really want to do this.

[The Fuse 1,012]

There is no reason to quit. Here's why:

 

 

 

Your situation of having no other sexual history aside from your husband is fairly unique in this community. I can't say how I'd have felt the first time I tried full swap in your shoes, but I'd expect to have some kind of feeling about that. I think you're normal.

 

All that matters is that you loved it, you both loved it, and you really want to do this.

Dito Best of everything in the future. I bet what you're feeling is normal and natural.

[Tia Vampire 167]

Yes, i think that guilt is normal. I also went through this when we first decided to get into the life-style. Only because i love my fiance so much and i felt as if i was cheating on him. After a reading on the board, i found out that you have to seperate the two. Love your boyfriend, fiance, and hubby, but only use the life-style for entertainment purposes only. Then love and sex became easier for me to deal with. Hope it all works out for you. Good luck and read more on the board. It helped me out alot.

[charms123 52]

After 6 years I will feel that guilt the next morning every time!

 

As HappyPair said, proceed with caution! But have some fun too.

 

N

[tryit2? 15]

Ditto all of the above! Also I would recomend reading the may "guilt" threads on this site. There are many, (ours included), and they all are worthy of the time to look over. There are MANY very insightful and nice people that hang out here.

[Carcouple34l 15]

I know our first time was MFM and I know I felt guilty, and he was kinda uncomfortable about it. then 6 months later we met a great couple that we had a great three year realtionship with. One of the things I cannot stress enough for our relationship is that we both have to be completly comfortable with both parties. We talk about th situation and if either one of us has a doubt we find it is easier to say no than to feel guilty.

 

I think everyone there first time feels a little weirded out by the whole thing, but when both couples feel completly at ease with each other it can be a great experiance. Never just run out and find the first couple, always be sure you both know that each other is ok, first and foremost.

[iapr 24]

Quite frankly, I am really suprised by the amount of guilt that people are stating they are feeling. And contrary to the others that have posted, I do not feel it is a normal part of the lifestyle nor a healthy thing to be experiencing.

 

Mrs iapr and I used to be as conservative and traditional as anyone that ever walked the earth and we have never had any actual "guilt" feelings over any of our LS experiences. Now we have each had occasions where we were concerned if the other was ok with something but once it was discussed and assured that all was well there was no actual feelings of guilt. I have always held the impression that if you feel guilt about something that maybe you should evaluate if you should be doing that at all.

 

If Mrs iapr spent two days in tears and could not look me in the eye after an encounter we would not be swinging. The most important aspect of being in the lifestyle for us is to come home from a party or encounter and rattle the rafters at home. If one of us was in tears or couldn't look the other in the eye we would not be going there.

 

Now since you did state that you have talked this over thoroughly and that seemed to have helped greatly and since you state that you do want to continue in the lifestyle there is always hope. I would say to explore your feelings and try to determine what the reason was that you had so much guilt and what does it mean to you personally.

 

First off is the feeling truly guilt or is it really something else? Could it be more concern rather than guilt? Were you concerned that your partner is ok with it or concerned aobut what this may mean to your relationship? Could it be that since you have only been with your husband before this that what you are feeling is some sort of loss? Do you feel that you lost your ability to say that you have only been with one man and that you have some mourning over that evan though you did enjoy the swinging experience?

 

If you are sure that the feeling is guilt, did you feel guilt because you felt you actually did something wrong or did you feel guilt because you felt you SHOULD feel guilt? Hey, that happens to since everyone from the pope to your clergy to friends and family and parents have told us our whole lives that we should only experience sexual expression through monogamous marriage. The thing that suprised us the most when we first started having encounters was how natural it felt and how ok we felt about it afterwards. We each felt that we SHOULD feel guilty and were suprised at how good we felt afterwards since our whole lives everyone told us sex other than with your spouse was supposed to be so terrible.

 

The swinging experience can be very powerfull and you can experience a wide range of strong emotions. People often talk of it being "just sex" and that it should be without feelings and emotions but the truth is that it is often VERY emotional in many different ways.

 

If you are just experiencing a strong emotional reaction to your first experience embrace it and try to face and identify it. If you are finding that you truly do feel actual guilt over it I would be very leary about continuing untill you address why you feel guilt and I would not continue to swing unless you can identify away to mitigate the guilt.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

First off is the feeling truly guilt or is it really something else?...Could it be that since you have only been with your husband before this that what you are feeling is some sort of loss? Do you feel that you lost your ability to say that you have only been with one man and that you have some mourning over that evan though you did enjoy the swinging experience?

I like the many points and questions iapr has brought into this thread.

 

The quote I brought in from his post really stood out most, because I feel once you swing, you do move into another chapter in your life. How you have identified yourself all your life has now changed; you can no longer say "I've only had sex with my husband." As silly as that may seem, having been a one-man woman can be seen as a gold medal in a way, something we as women can feel unique about and have a sentimental pride in. Maybe your tears were brought on because you feel you've tossed out that gold medal.

 

I hope you come back and post your thoughts. We'd all like to hear how you've been doing.

 

LM

[intuition897 2,179]

A friend of mine who is also a swinger told me that if I feel guilty at all and because I took it so bad, she doesn't think we should do it again. I DO NOT want to quit. I enjoyed the experience and want to do it again. I think it was because "HE" was the first man other than Hubby. Can you all please help? Is it normal to have some guilt? Should we quit?

 

Thanks for all your help!

 

It doesn't make sense that you should quit because of a bump in the road. If a horse throws you, does it make sense to surmise that the horse hated you and that you should never ride again? Or should you figure out that he threw you because he got spooked, then work with the horse until he's not afraid anymore? It's better for you, better for the horse, better all around. Don't quit. Don't walk away from the problem. Solve it. It sounds like you two are well on your way to doing just that.

 

I wouldn't say that guilt is "normal". Health and good things are normal. Negative things like guilt are indicative of a problem. So while it's definitely common, I can't call it normal. This guilt is something that you'll need to resolve in your own mind. Now that you've found out that your husband is not hurt by it, you have found relief in that. Now it's just up to you to believe in your own heart that your actions are not offensive to him, to yourself, or (if you are feeling a spiritual conflict) to God. Until you feel you have found a peaceful resolution in this, I would advise not doing it again. However, count yourself lucky! This is a great opportunity to deepen your understanding of yourself, your husband, and what it means to be married.

 

It begs the question: "Does sex make or break our marriage? Or is it powerless to define it?" Which is it?

 

EDIT>> In my roundabout way, I've basically just dittoed what LikeMinds and iapr have just said!! It's time to rethink our definitions!

[flkeyscouple 21]

Mrs iapr and I used to be as conservative and traditional as anyone that ever walked the earth and we have never had any actual "guilt" feelings over any of our LS experiences.

We feel the same. We've never had any 'guilt' feelings about our experiences either.

 

iapr your full post was great, and I'd 'ditto' the whole thing. But especially wanted to point out the quote above - no guilt feelings.

 

Sarah

[fetx69 15]

We are still in the stages of prior communitcation and have yet to have our first real experience. But even with the lack of experience I think this is a very similar situation.

 

Her being with another female is a long time fantasy of ours. And we have just recently began thinking about other men,couples and the reality of swinging. The first time we ever talked/fantasized about her being with another man she got extremely turned on, as did I, and the sex was great. Afterward there was a brief, odd moment of silence before we began talking about it. She did mention she felt some guilt even fantasizing about it. She felt like she had wronged me. I assured her that it turned me on just as much and that she shouldn't feel guiltly. We continued to talk about the prospect of real swinging ecnounters, rules, limitations, etc. Since then the subject has been brought up several times and she has gotten even naughtier with it, (especially now that she knows i'm into it) without guilt.

 

I think the morals and virtues we are taught stick with us even after we deviate from them. In my early adolescence i can remember feeling guilty for looking at nudie magazines because i was always taught they were bad. When some people are turned on our inhabitions lessen and you can get turned on by a fantasy you didn't know appealed to you or you might have a sexual encounter (planned or unplanned) and feel different than expected afterwards, and after it's done the reality of it hits you and you have to face it. You may feel guilt or regret until someone assures you that you've done nothing wrong, or it may stick with you. It's all a matter of how your mind works it out.

 

Basically what i'm saying is don't ignore these emotions by any means but also don't dwell too heavily on them either.

[swingcouple69 25]

Thank you all so very much for your help. I am very thankful for the many different enlightenments on where my feelings were coming from. Hubby and I have had MANY conversations since our experience as well as conversations with the couple that we were with. To answer one of the questions, this was our first COUPLE experience and my first bi experience. We have had soft play experiences with other woman and my husband. So I had many "firsts" all at one time.

 

So my newest thoughts and feelings have come from the awesome communication I've had with Hubby and all of you! First talking with Hubby has really helped a great deal and this is what I have come up with as an explanation.

 

First, I do think (as sugguested here on the board) that I was in a sort of mourning mode because I did "lose that gold metal" of only having been with Hubby. Also, I had never had "meaningless sex" with anyone. But I've come to understand that it is "OK" because I asked myself the questions that were suggested here. No one got hurt, no one was jealous, and we all enjoyed the experience.

 

Second, I did have a great fear that Hubby (even though he liked it) would feel as thought I betrayed him because I felt as though that is what I had done. He has taken those feelings from me thru our communication. It's funny how talking about it leads to a feeling of closeness and great sex!

 

Third, I think that I felt that it wasn't fair because Hubby couldn't have sex with the female half of the couple because of her recent surgery. Again, Hubby and I have had great communication on this. He has reassured me that he knew that "going in" and wouldn't have proceeded if he felt that way.

 

A huge thanks to all who have helped me to work through this. Everyone here was so helpful and the different insights helped greatly. The biggest thing that I learned though this is that Hubby is my main source of comfort. The more we talk, the better I feel. I do feel sooo much better its like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

 

Hubby actually asked me last night "So are you ready to make another visit?" and honestly I am really looking forward to it now that I have my heart and my mind seperated and settled!

[lovinher 505]

Glad to hear that everything went well for you both. You may not realize it but your post will most likely help many others that feel the same as you did.

[sexychoclit 32]

The first time I was with a couple it felt great until a few days later. I felt so guilty. I felt like I had entered a couples marital bed (even though we weren't at their house) and I felt awful. I was only with them for one weekend and I dropped out of the lifestyle for about a month or so. After thinking about it, I realized that they weren't the best couple for me and I moved onto another and that "relationship" lasted over 2 years. I think as a female, because we tend to be more emotional when it comes to sex that it is normal to feel guilty. However, it sounds like you are ready and willing to experience more, so I say go for it.

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here-- Emotions are just that, emotions. We can choose to indulge them or not. I really get into my sexual partners at times, and even feel 'love' or a deep connection. But I know it's not genuine or real. It's simply an emotion I'm having because I'm a human being. I choose not to indulge it and it does pass. Your emotion of guilt is the same. A normal human emotion that you are choosing not to indulge--hooray for you. Now, go have some great sex. I know the first moment of a new man entering me for the first time is a total rush--I expect it is for you too