She wants to swing... then she doesn't know!

[untamedhawk 15]

Hello everyone,

 

I've been reading all of the fantastic stories and have to admit to being somewhat aroused by a few. My girlfriend and I have been talking about having a threesome for a few weeks now, and she gets all hot while we're discussing it while having sex. She then becomes timid about answering my questions - I've told her there is no right or wrong answers (just to be comfortable with her decisions).

 

We had talked it over one night, and she informed me that she was talking with another guy about it (I thought WOW, she's forward!, then she backs away) She asked me what I thought about this guy wanting to have sex with her alone before we ALL got together.... I of course said "No", and then got a hardon from thinking about just that alone!

 

Anyway, is there something I may be missing? I can tell she's all for it, and then she seems to want to hide her enthusiasm.

[Spoomonkey 421]

Anyway, is there something I may be missing?

 

Yes...

 

You may be missing one hell of a red flag. She is talking to another guy about it? Do you know this guy? Have you discussed this guy and chosen this guy as one you BOTH trust and want to involve in your sex life?

 

If my SO came to me and said that she had been discussing this with another man - one who had suggested solo play (not exactly very swingerly of him. You know, he is going to get his and then cut and run, right?) - I'd discuss maybe being 100% on the same page before I took a single step forward. That just isn't a good start at all.

 

Spoomonkey

[Tia Vampire 167]

Yes, you both need to do some more talking. Plus the life-style is made to do as a couple. As far as getting involved with singles, atleast try it for a while together to see what you guys can handle or can't handle. Because if you can't handle seeing each other with another partner, you are not going to want your girl going off with a guy by herself.

Spoo has been around for a while. I agree 100% with what he said and could not have said it any better myself. This guy sounds like someone who just wants a knotch under his belt. What has he offered to bring to the table?

[untamedhawk 15]

We discussed it further, and concluded the same as you. She's just anxious & undecided (at least verbally), she's admitted to wanting to have sex with another man while I'm there... yet scared to death I'll ask for FMF entertainment. We've got somewhat of an escapade planned this weekend if she chooses. I like discussing it with her, but I'm having trouble making her understand why I want to see her bang the hell out of another guy.

[BCinIN 52]

First there's this:

 

I've been reading all of the fantastic stories and have to admit to being somewhat aroused by a few. My girlfriend and I have been talking about having a threesome for a few weeks now, and she gets all hot while we're discussing it while having sex. She then becomes timid about answering my questions - I've told her there is no right or wrong answers (just to be comfortable with her decisions).

 

We had talked it over one night, and she informed me that she was talking with another guy about it (I thought WOW, she's forward!, then she backs away) She asked me what I thought about this guy wanting to have sex with her alone before we ALL got together.... I of course said "No", and then got a hardon from thinking about just that alone!

 

Anyway, is there something I may be missing? I can tell she's all for it, and then she seems to want to hide her enthusiasm.

 

Yeah, you have a serious problem, called: a woman who wants to have sex with someone else. How nice that she even tried to do it without you there (be proud that you didn't play pushover and say yes).

 

Then we have this:

 

We discussed it further, and concluded the same as you. She's just anxious & undecided (at least verbally), she's admitted to wanting to have sex with another man while I'm there... yet scared to death I'll ask for FMF entertainment.

 

So not only is she extremely enthusiastic (enough to even go "check it all out" without you!), but also doesn't want you to have any sort of reciprocal fun.

 

I'm not going to give any advice here--I just wanted to point a few things out. And remember: for every fantastic story (I have a couple myself), there are hundreds of horror stories that you'll never find here, because the people they happened to aren't here...actually, you can find some of them here, if you look (especially in the Situational HELP section).

[untamedhawk 15]

Well BCinIN it appears that you read into things too much - I'm not wanting to appear a little brash here, but of course I'll be joining, of course she's nervous, and of course she's checking it all out. It appears that you're down on (no pun) this lifestyle. I'm looking for any feedback that may be helpful in any case, what I'm not looking for is the finger pointing at her with "Slut" insinuations.... we're new, and I may not have explained this as well as others may have.

 

So, any further comments - please pose them as if you were an understanding individual to our situation.

[InNY 15]

We discussed it further, and concluded the same as you. She's just anxious & undecided (at least verbally), she's admitted to wanting to have sex with another man while I'm there... yet scared to death I'll ask for FMF entertainment. We've got somewhat of an escapade planned this weekend if she chooses. I like discussing it with her, but I'm having trouble making her understand why I want to see her bang the hell out of another guy.

 

You better think long and hard before you allow another guy to fuck your wife.......with or without you there.

[untamedhawk 15]

Would you mind explaining why it's a double standard? The board is full of good advice on bad situations, a woman asks about it & gets go get fucked (literally).. I'm asking for feedback and noone wants her to have it? I'm lost.... it's not as if we are children - quite the opposite, early 40's. Do either of you have a good experience concerning this issue? If not, why are you still on a swinger's board?

[intuition897 2,179]

Welcome to the board, Hawk. I'll have to come back to answer this post in depth because it's past my bedtime, but I'll try to nutshell it.

 

It's not that no one wants her to get her freak on. It's just that we're noticing some pretty significant red flags popping up. Just because she's willing to do it doesn't necessarily mean that she should. Your description of your situation and your wife's behaviour sound scarily familiar. I, like her, didn't get it. I couldn't figure out why my husband thought so little of me that he'd want me to fuck some other guy I didn't even know. What the hell was I, a toy or something? Of course, this was convenient for me anyway, because the idea of getting to have sex with someone else was pretty exciting. So, the selfishness factor was there, too. But I didn't want him to touch another woman because I didn't think I could handle it. I was much too jealous. Anyway, just because I selfishly wanted to fuck somebody else didn't make it right to do because I felt, deep down, that it was wrong. You can't do something you feel is wrong without harming yourself by it. To choose to do something I felt was wrong because my body was making my decisions for me just made me feel very badly about myself.

 

The moral of this story is: if you love her, don't let your girlfriend do this to herself. Be 100% sure she understands what it is you are giving to her (not asking of her, GIVING to her) and be sure she doesn't feel she's doing anything that feels cheapening or degrading to her. And let her know that it's a together kind of activity, where you and she are partners. That means there's no need for and no excuse for sneaking around, lying, hiding things, etc. She needs to understand how important 2-way trust is in this new venture.

 

And this is important: Make her understand your kink. You need to sit down with her and talk until she understands WHY swinging is a turn on for you. What do you get out of it? She really doesn't understand this but it is SO important. You'll also delve into questions like, How do you feel about me? Do you love me? Respect me? What does sexual monogamy mean to you? What do you think it means when I ask you to swing? And what does swinging mean to you? What are you most afraid of? Do you trust me?

 

I'll write more tomorrow, but right now I'm beat. Night all!

[BradAndJanet 70]

Hawk, as far as InNY goes, click on his name and choose 'Find more posts...' His responses are always much the same. I can't say why, however. Maybe he had a bad experience. Not all of us have, in fact most have not.

 

-B

[InNY 15]

Hawk, as far as InNY goes, click on his name and choose 'Find more posts...' His responses are always much the same. I can't say why, however. Maybe he had a bad experience. Not all of us have, in fact most have not.

 

-B

 

Bad experience? Not at all. Quite the opposite.

 

I was providing practical advice. Simple as that.

[lovinher 505]

Hmmmm.

 

She wants to have sex with another guy alone. (she wouldn't have asked you if she didn't)

She is "timid" in answering in your questions when discussing it.

She just happens to talk to another guy about it without your knowledge.

She is scared to death of you having sex with another woman.

Anyway, is there something I may be missing?

 

Apparently yes.

 

If you don't see a problem here you have more problems than you know.

InNY has been pretty much a joke around here but in this case, and I hate to say it.....he just may be right....this time.

 

How would this sound to you on this forum if it was written by someone else?

How would this sound to you if the sexes were reversed?

[untamedhawk 15]

Hello again everyone,

 

To be fair... I wasn't upset with anyone (even if it sounded that way). I appreciate the new replies as well, the others left me hanging. We're talking about this in the way that intuition897 explained it fully.. I couldn't figure out why my husband thought so little of me that he'd want me to fuck some other guy I didn't even know. What the hell was I, a toy or something? Of course, this was convenient for me anyway, because the idea of getting to have sex with someone else was pretty exciting. She has explained to me that it's something she thought I wanted her to do* I DO! But... in the same sense, I want her to have fun while enjoying what she is doing.

 

I don't want her to fuck just anybody, so I had her looking at men as well... she asked the guy if he would be interested NOT BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO CHEAT....lol but because I had given her something exciting - yet odd to think about. She is a very sexy woman, and the first that I've ever thought of going this far with. She needs words of encouragement, and understanding SHE LOVES ME! She wants this, and doesn't, then does again.

 

So if we can put aside our red flags, and go with the knowledge that we have talked it over..... I didn't just pop in for advice on 'What she is doing', but more like 'What can I tell her to make her understand what I'm thinking. Again Intuition897 has done well VERY WELL!! with:

 

The moral of this story is: if you love her, don't let your girlfriend do this to herself. Be 100% sure she understands what it is you are giving to her (not asking of her, GIVING to her) and be sure she doesn't feel she's doing anything that feels cheapening or degrading to her. And let her know that it's a together kind of activity, where you and she are partners. That means there's no need for and no excuse for sneaking around, lying, hiding things, etc. She needs to understand how important 2-way trust is in this new venture.

 

And this is important: Make her understand your kink. You need to sit down with her and talk until she understands WHY swinging is a turn on for you. What do you get out of it? She really doesn't understand this but it is SO important. You'll also delve into questions like, How do you feel about me? Do you love me? Respect me? What does sexual monogamy mean to you? What do you think it means when I ask you to swing? And what does swinging mean to you? What are you most afraid of? Do you trust me?

 

Hawk

[lovinher 505]

So if we can put aside our red flags, and go with the knowledge that we have talked it over..... I didn't just pop in for advice on 'What she is doing', but more like 'What can I tell her to make her understand what I'm thinking.

 

If you can't explain what your thinking or she is just not getting it, the best thing IMO is to have her read up on the subject on this board and give it time. Sounds like you may be pushing her a bit.

 

Good luck to ya.

[untamedhawk 15]

I've tried that, but after she read some of what was posted here she started crying. Now she wants nothing to do with the site. I guess she feels as if fingers are being pointed, and I've tried to explain that most of the fault iia due to the person that started the topic

[untamedhawk 15]

WOW! I guess I know how to stop a thread......lol

[sexcupid 809]

I've tried that, but after she read some of what was posted here she started crying. Now she wants nothing to do with the site. I guess she feels as if fingers are being pointed, and I've tried to explain that most of the fault iia due to the person that started the topic

 

 

Who does she feel the finger has been pointed at? Her for exploring on her own? I mean, if you are ok with that, let her do it if she is more comfortable doing it that way....but you need to be included. And I do agree with others here as far has them having a trial run without you there, if you are into the hot wife/girlfriend scenario where she is in control, goes out, plays with others, and then when she gets home you two have a go at it while she tells you about it, ok go for it! (I was involved in a situation like that a few years ago, it can be very exciting...but also potentially hurtful for the one waiting at home even if it is agreed upon.)

 

I mean, there are some things I don't like to pursue while Jeff is around. Getting started on girl girl stuff is one of those things. I want to do it if the opportunity presents itself, but I don't want to feel pressure from him to pursue it. However, once it has started, his presence is immediately requested so he can watch and we can move on to playing. He is included, but I don't feel like he's dictating my actions if that makes sense.

 

If your girlfriend is the same, then ok. Finding the guy, talking to him about what she wants to happen is ok (in my book anyway). But if you are totally being cut out of the play time, even just once...then that sets a precedent is all I'm sure most people here were trying to convey.

 

If she is having any doubts, then back off of this one for a while and come back to visit it.

 

Or fingers pointed at you for not being able to express your thoughts or possible perceived pushyness on your girlfriend's part? I agree that intuition was very eloquent in her reply and always has a great perspective.

 

I'm not sure you totally brought the thread to a screeching halt...but not sure how you would want the board to follow up on her being emotionally distraught over reading the things written here?

 

Good luck,

 

Maria

[untamedhawk 15]

Maria,

 

You're a true Gem! Thank you for that response sweetie.

 

Hawk