Should I tell her about my past cheating?

[AlbertaSwing 15]

The Mrs. and I have gotten into the Lifestyle about six months ago. We are really enjoying it and we have talked like we have never talked before. Our relationship and sex life have improved greatly since we started down this path. There is just this one thing on my mind. In our pre swing days I cheated on the Mrs. and I have not told her about it. Since our relationship has reached a new level I would like to be honest and tell her about my past transgressions, but I am not sure I should. I do not want to ruin what we have now. What do people here think, should I potentially rock the boat and tell her or should I forget about it and never discuss it?

[imsnowman 34]

The Mrs. and I have gotten into the Lifestyle about six months ago. We are really enjoying it and we have talked like we have never talked before. Our relationship and sex life have improved greatly since we started down this path. There is just this one thing on my mind. In our pre swing days I cheated on the Mrs. and I have not told her about it. Since our relationship has reached a new level I would like to be honest and tell her about my past transgressions, but I am not sure I should. I do not want to ruin what we have now. What do people here think, should I potentially rock the boat and tell her or should I forget about it and never discuss it?

 

You need to figure out why you want to tell her. Most counselors say that merely assuaging your guilt is not really good enough. You're merely unloading your problem on her.

[lovinher 505]

Only you can answer this because we don't know your wife or your situation. If I was the one cheated on in the past and my marriage was better now than it has ever been, I would not want to know.

[MRnMSbhaven 45]

You need to figure out why you want to tell her. Most counselors say that merely assuaging your guilt is not really good enough. You're merely unloading your problem on her.

 

As the person on the receiving end of that conversation one night many years ago... I would have to agree with that. Although I do have to say I felt like quite the fool when it came to light that everyone but me knew of this.

 

Essentially what you are doing is telling your spouse that you lied to them in a pretty signifigant manner. I would never advocate keeping secrets but would seriously urge you to look at your motivation before you make a decision.

I can say that it will hurt badly if you tell. It will change the way things are. There is no way around it. If you want the honesty then that's the price you will have to pay.

I can also say that it is something that you can get through together and still have a fabulous relationship if you make the time and effort it will take to rebuild the trust. It took us time but we're still here & happy 12 years later.

 

MSbhaven

[intuition897 2,179]

This depends greatly on your relationship. I can't really tell you what to do, but I'm leaning toward honesty.

 

You're building a new foundation, one of honesty, and when you build a foundation you want only the strongest materials possible. To me, in our relationship, this would be like accepting a poorly made mud brick in the place of a stone. Perhaps the rest of the foundation is strong enough to hold up, but this mud brick doesn't add to the stability of the structure. It detracts from it. It's a flaw. Maybe I'm a perfectionist and an idealist, but if I can avoid a flaw, I will.

 

I have no idea how your wife will react to your admission, should you choose to make one. I can assure you, though, that no matter how kindly and gently you break it to her, no matter how much you've changed or how sincere you are, her heart will be broken. Her only consolation is that you are no longer the schmuck you were, that she has a better partner for it, and that you now know how to appreciate what you have. Small comfort I'm afraid.

 

As I said, I can't dictate to you what your personal values should be. One of the things that Mr. intuition and I have in common is a shared value for honesty. We value honesty above personal happiness and comfort. Truth is what it is, and we'd rather live in the real world. If you and your wife do not share the same view, that's fine and I can respect that. I guess that's where you have to look, though, to decide whether complete honesty is worth the price or not. For us it is, but for others it may not be. The rule of thumb is this: does it add to or detract from the quality of your life together?

[Chicup 42]

Do you like hurting your wife?

 

I'd say thats the most likely result and sometimes honesty is not the best policy.

[SouthBond 18]

No. But if you continue to cheat, she will find out. We all have things in our past that are better left in the past.

[ShellyM 0]

OP, thats a hard call. I do not want to render any opinion because I'm not a therapist and do not want to sway you into doing something that will affect your life at such a level. I think you need to sit with yourself and think about what you need to do. You know the answer.

Best of luck,

Shelly

[Tybee Swing 286]

The Mrs. and I have gotten into the Lifestyle about six months ago. We are really enjoying it and we have talked like we have never talked before. Our relationship and sex life have improved greatly since we started down this path.

 

I relate to the feelings that come when this level of closeness is reached. As a wife, she probably felt the distance between you while you were cheating. Even if she didn't "know" you were cheating, I'm sure she felt like you were a million miles away. Now, you're back. You're talking about everything, sharing intimate things on a deep level. She is probably thrilled with the way things are going in your marriage - this intimacy is every woman's dream.

 

If you drop the bomb on her now, it will likely destroy everything you've built. It will break her heart. At least, I know that the cheating bomb would break my heart, if I were in her shoes. It would be even worse after she's been built up with new hope and happiness, having grown close to you again, maybe closer than you ever were before.

 

Are you sorry for the past? Realize that everything you thought you wanted was really right at home? Learned that by being open and sharing your deepest passions with the love of your life, you can have it all? If so, accept the lesson learned, vow to yourself never to go back to cheating and sneaking around, and move forward with your wife. Forgive yourself and spend the rest of your life loving her.

 

This is my personal feeling of course -- not expert advice by any means. I'm just putting myself in her shoes and knowing how I'd feel.

[Hotwife Sharona 15]

Granted we do not know ALL the facts here, but based on just what you wrote I would say just keep it to yourself.

 

If you are truly sorry, and have all this guilt-just use it to show her how much SHE means to you & vow to YOURSELF not to do it again.

 

Mistakes are something we learn from-my daddy used to say a mistake is something you do once but if it happens again, you damn knew better.

[Drusilla 22]

No, no, no, no...there is no good to be gained from telling her.

 

Btw, I am by no means an expert but I did graduate with a BS in Child & human development and family relationships. Granted that was a few years ago and I'm not currently practicing social work, but I have seen some couples in this predicament.

 

From what I've seen, the only good that comes out of telling is that the guilty party is able to ease their guilt a bit by "getting it off their chest". Well, yippee for you but now you've laid all those awful feelings on your non-cheating spouse. You feel so much better, she feels like crap. How kind of you.

 

You will not be doing your wife any favors by telling her. The guilt is yours....you earned it.

 

Granted we do not know ALL the facts here, but based on just what you wrote I would say just keep it to yourself.

 

If you are truly sorry, and have all this guilt-just use it to show her how much SHE means to you & vow to YOURSELF not to do it again.

 

Well said and precisely what I would have said had you not already said it!

 

Mistakes are something we learn from-my daddy used to say a mistake is something you do once but if it happens again, you damn knew better.

 

Your Daddy sounds like a smart man!

[tangyspecial 31]

If it was a one night stand that happened, I would want to know. I would be hurt, but happy that he was able to feel comfortable enough to tell me. I would get over it easily because our marriage means more to me than that.

 

If it was an affair that involved feelings and many sexual encounters, I would not want to know. That would be too painful for me to handle right now. He can tell me in 10 years or so.

 

This is coming from someone who has been with her husband for 8 years and 3 children. If soul mates exist, that's what we would be. If you question the strength of your marriage, ignore my advice.

 

N-Mrs.

[JTcamp05 9]

You would just be hurting her to make yourself feel less guilty......

 

 

Keep your mouth shut!

[Mr. Truelove 81]

One of the things that Mr. intuition and I have in common is a shared value for honesty. We value honesty above personal happiness and comfort. Truth is what it is, and we'd rather live in the real world. If you and your wife do not share the same view, that's fine and I can respect that.

 

I completely agree with statement by Intuition. I like living in the real world, not a a fake world where the wool has been pulled over my eyes. I would rather be hurt and know the truth. If you survive it, you'll come out stronger than ever. Honesty and being able to communicate your feelings will only strengthen your relationship. Continuing to lie is cheating in itself.

 

Mr. Truelove

[apraskov 15]

It is up to you to decide. Here's what I think about it, taken from personal experience. Your results may vary.

 

Your life together will never be the same after you tell her. It will be up to BOTH OF YOU to go trough this and if your relationship is strong enough it will survive. It may even move to another level, where (like Intuition said) honesty becomes more valuable, people become more open and not as easily hurt. Or, also a possibility to consider, she does not take that information well and your relationship goes down the drain.

 

We are still recovering from a news like that. It's been 4 years (been married for 11 years now). While now that I think that I made the best out of it and our relationship is even stronger than before, that was not the case for a very long time.

 

I hope this helps and good luck.

[Swing*8701 887]

Ed here. A colleague of mine cheated on his wife 20 years ago. Of course I didn't know him then. He told her to relieve his guilt. As a result, she decided he had to disclose everything to her in his life from now on. Where he was, who he was with, etc. His career had him traveling outside of town 30-40% of the time and he always told her where he was and what he was doing. This included nearly every nickel of what he spent.

 

He's adapted and it's a very 'matter of fact' way that they communicate. You'd never think it was a problem until you start realizing that he does tell her everything, ad nauseum. I've never cheated, so perhaps this is a typical solution. I recall seeing Kathy Lee and Frank Gifford in an interview after he cheated and he seemed to be on that type of 'chain' as well.

 

Seems like a lousy way to live to relieve some guilt and achieve a new level of honesty.

[elstabo 15]

well..my question to you is...how would you like it if she told you,,that she chaeted on you before the swing move..basicly..,if you can handle being on the recieving end of it,,,on the other hand,,if you think she is ganna freak and be supicious about you,,why rock the boat,,keep paddeling along and make the best of life...theres enough stress in the world already..lets not add more to it..

[S&D 15]

Hi, Just wondering If your wife has ever suspected you of cheating on her with this person. If she has and she has asked you then I would consider telling her. If she has never suspected you of cheating, I would forgive myself like Tybee Swing said and continue to celebrate life with your wife! Best of luck, S&D

[rotten&spoiled 15]

Hi, Just wondering If your wife has ever suspected you of cheating on her with this person. If she has and she has asked you then I would consider telling her. If she has never suspected you of cheating, I would forgive myself like Tybee Swing said and continue to celebrate life with your wife! Best of luck, S&D

 

I agree whole heartedly with S&D. If she has asked about this person before then you have to tell her... It will hurt her tremendously and you may loose her. If your relationship is strong enough it will survive it. You both will probably stop swinging, during the serious mending that needs to be done. I have been the cheater, my hubby and I have been on the mend for a few years and it is only now that he is reaching the point where he is ready to start our swinging lifestyle. It will take a very long time from here even before we swing alone. For now every thing I do with a woman or man has to be told to him and he must approve. If he doesn't I don't do it.

[GoodHeart 15]

I don't know..I suppose that's the gist of my thought..Maybe it would be nice if a lot of us would say, I don't know. Mrs and I for 30+ years, swung from 77 -00..you have to image how this might hurt your soul mate..how important is this truth...??? I know mine has had several she hasn't admitted to and I have as well. She knows I'm really into what she does, and what she did, I want to think she had a good time, but I know sometimes she didn't....you have to balance how you believe she will react against what you guys have reached,,,...SOMETHING SPECIAL!!!! do you want to F this UP??? While you guys are fucking one-on-one ask her how she would feel if you did so and so...see how she feels about you being intimate with this person.

[HotMoCpl 20]

Several years ago, I finally admitted to my wife, all of my transgressions prior to getting married. I think she found it as releaving as I did. I've been straight with her since we married, and it made talking about swinging a whole lot easier. Since then, we comminicate a whole lot better.

[JandD_OH 15]

I disagree with the masses. I believe marriage is about full disclosure. My wife cheated on me, and finding out about it ended up saving our marriage... It opened the door to honesty. As one who believes very strongly in the 'emotional bank account' the best time to tell her is when things are good, and hope you avoid bankruptcy.

 

Look at it this way... If she ever finds out on her own --and I'll guarantee you that she suspected something when it was happening-- you're marriage is fubar. You coming forward and showing genuine repentance and sorrow now will hurt her, but be prepared to explain WHY you did it and WHY you will never do it again.

[AlbertaSwing 15]

I would like to thank everyone for all the great replies and comments on this topic. Your comments were very interesting and insightful. Telling Mrs. Swing about my past cheating was not something I was considering until recently. We have been married for 8 years years. Our relationship has went though many changes over that time and especially in the last six months since we got into the lifestyle. We now talk and communicate like we have never before. I wanted to tell her about my past transgressions, but I wanted to pick the right time. Mrs. Swing is quite an unconventional woman in many ways and she continues to surprise me year after year. In the past I never thought she would consider swinging, I just did not think she had it in her. But she totally surprised me and now she is as enthusiastic about as I am.

 

I actaully did tell her about my past cheating. The moment in which I told her about was not planned, it was a spur of the moment decision based on circumstances. Mrs Swing and I were having a discussion about secrets we kept from each other. Mrs Swing had figured in the the past that I might of done something, but I never would admit to it before. During our discussion Mrs Swing invited me to tell her if I had ever had cheated on her. So I proceeded to tell her, my gut feel was that this was the time to tell her all the details. I mean why not? I did tell her the details and her reaction was not what most would expect. Mrs. Swing still was not exactly impressed with my cheating, but her response did not exhibit the hurt and anger that probably would have been the case six months ago.

 

We discussed the details for several days and the end result was that our relationship is stronger now than before. Our discussions gave her greater insight into who I am why I did it. There is certainly no need for anyone to cheat now since we are in the lifestyle and being honest with her about my past really helps to for me to honest with her in the future.

[Tybee Swing 286]

Mrs Swing and I were having a discussion about secrets we kept from each other. Mrs Swing had figured in the the past that I might of done something, but I never would admit to it before. During our discussion Mrs Swing invited me to tell her if I had ever had cheated on her.

 

Wow, just as I and others thought - she knew that you had cheated, in that way that wives just know. It sounds like in this moment and with the progression of your communicating and becoming so open together, this was the moment that she was ready to hear the full truth from you on this.

 

We discussed the details for several days and the end result was that our relationship is stronger now than before. Our discussions gave her greater insight into who I am why I did it.

I'm so glad that things worked out so well for both of you!

 

By the way, why did you do it? Just curious, if you care to share.

 

There is certainly no need for anyone to cheat now since we are in the lifestyle

This part, I don't understand. Is there ever a need to cheat? And if the swinging ends for some reason, does that mean you might have the need to cheat again?

[AlbertaSwing 15]

Why did I do it? The short answer is that I wanted to screw a porn star lol. But really there were some things in our relationship that I was quite unhappy about and was very frustrated. Living out this fantasy was a way of me acting out my frustrations. What I should have done before I reached that point....and what I eventually did later.......was talk to Mrs. Swing about my feelings and frustrations and skip the cheating part. The end result would have been the same with a much better relationship...minus the cheating part.

 

Let me rephrase a comment I made in my last post. I said there was no need to cheat now that we are in the lifestyle. Tybee Swing rightly asked "Is there ever a need to cheat?". No, there is no need to cheat whether there is swinging involved or not. Being able to communicate how I feel with Mrs. Swing and know there will be understanding at her end we would be able to come to some kind of resolution that would work for everyone

[robel12550 31]

Wow!

 

Kudos to Ms. Swing!

 

I'm not certain that the response you received from your wife would be considered "typical". My opinion (and I'll emphasize "MY".) is there is a reason why skeletons are kept in the closet. They're DEAD and no longer of importance. I just wrote this to someone in a private message, but I'm sure there were many things my father and uncles didn't talk to me about explicitly regarding WWII because there wasn't any need to dig up that past. I'm positive they did or had to do things they never did before. They're no longer in that type of situation, they've learned what they needed to learn from it, they passed onto me their thoughts "generally" about what happened (i.e.-"killing is bad", "it's an experience I'm glad I was in because of the circumstances, but I wouldn't want to go through it or have someone go through it again", or whatever), and they moved on. So what's the point.

 

Regarding other posters, I can't agree with Intuition this time (surprisingly) or Truelove. For starters, people MAKE their own "reality" since there's always three sides to it. You can never truly know which is correct. And who wants or needs to know that HONESTLY you just weren't thinking when you picked your nose and flung it at the girl across the aisle. The older I get, the concept of absolute becomes more and more just a concept. So there is no absolute to honesty. In "reality", everyone does "lie". You make judgments based on either your own self interest or the common good, depending upon your ethical makeup.

 

Alberta, you took a risk (a very dangerous risk to a perceived strong relationship) and it seems you're a very lucky man. But read again Edison's response. Consider this, you might now be walking on very thin egg shells. As a conflict arises in the future, this MIGHT come back as one of the ghosts to that skeleton in the closet. Of course, since both of you are so honest with each other now, there might never be another conflict in your relationship again. (I think that's called an alternate universe.)

 

Long term, only YOU can determine whether that risk was worth it.

 

Be careful and good luck.

[DKent 15]

The answer to that is three simple words: No. No. and No. If you've moved into a new realm with your wife, one of mutual communication, trust, and openness, wonderful. Leave the past behind, both the vanilla relationship you and she had and also the clandestine life you led. This is a fresh start, and dragging the baggage of the past will do absolutely no good but to undermine the newfound trust and symbiosis you both share.

 

The price you'll pay for your cheating will be whatever guilt you carry. The price she'll pay if you tell her will be much greater though, and no one will benefit. Even the late Ann Landers, conservative matron of the syndicated columns, repeatedly admonished former cheaters from "coming clean" for whatever misguided benefits of total honesty and disclosure they thought they'd achieve. It was usually harmful to the relationship and the marriage.

 

I have cheated on my wife for years and decided I no longer wish to do so. I've tried to introduce the idea of swinging - even the most elementary forms of it - to her. I want to share everything with her, including all my sexuality. She is not interested at all, and that admission of mine did caused a rift and some minor scarring to a long, trusting marriage. Can you imagine if she knew my past of infidelity? But even if she said OK to giving it a try, I'd never drop that bomb on her.

 

So, again, swallow it, my friend, and consider yourself quite fortunate your lady is agreeable to non-monogamous fun - with you.

[intuition897 2,179]

I agree that small transgressions of thoughtlessness don't amount to much but a sad face. Nothing can be learned from them except that your spouse is a human being, and can be an idiot at times. But we already knew that, not exactly breaking news.

 

But when it comes to something like cheating, I feel that the other spouse needs to know...whether they really "WANT" to know or not. It's like going into business with someone who smiled to your face and told you everything was A-OK...meanwhile he was emptying the bank account and driving the business into the ground because he had no integrity. You were lied to. You thought you were going into business with someone who shared your vision and values. Then you find out he's nothing like that. He's a poisonous asshole, a life-sucking leech. And just because the leech would be inconvenienced by the truth of things, does that make hiding the truth okay? Really, isn't that what it all boils down to? We can talk all we want about "protecting" our spouse, but (and this is just my preference) I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who needed or wanted to be protected from the truth of who I am. If that's where poeple find themselves, if they're happy with that, then wonderful. I just couldn't settle for it.

 

Bottom line: I think people need the tools to make informed decisions about important things...like who they want to spend the rest of their lives with.

[intuition897 2,179]

duplicate

[Mr. Truelove 81]

being honest with her about my past really helps to for me to honest with her in the future.

 

I can't agree more, and which is why I felt that someone in your shoes should tell their wife about their past.

 

I am happy for you that you told her, and that you were both able to move forward. The security you feel in a relationship of mutual honesty is unparallelled. I wish you two the best!

 

-Mr. Truelove

[djjwp 129]

Hummm can only offer what happen to me.. 1st wife (That is a hint) we started swinging and I told her I cheated and she then let me know she had too. We went our ways shortly there after. My opinion. Go forth and cheat no more but keep the past is the past. It can not add anything to the relationship.

[DorMar825 15]

NO. NO and NO.