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Guest Confused In PA

She cheated then lied

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Guest Confused In PA

About a year and a half ago we started talking about swinging. She had previous experience I did not.

 

We read the forums, checked out some sites (AFF/SLS) talked a little more and decided to post an ad :) . After many replys we decided to meet with one of the men who caught her eye. We met for dinner, talked for awhile and went our separate ways. On the way home and during some play time I asked her what she thought and her reply was "I'm not sure about him" and I responded that I wasn't sure either. WE agreed that he wouldn't be for us so I sent an e-mail to him explaining thanks but no thanks. I thought that was the end of it.

 

Flash forward to yesterday and during some play time talk she tells me that a few days after I sent OUR reply she e-mailed him and told him that she was interested. They met at a hotel and played leaving me completely unaware.

 

So basically I'm furious, embarrassed, have very low self esteem right now because I was played for a fool. Needless to say all of this has caused some major problems between us. Since the initial ad post and what I thought was our mutual agreement the idea of swinging was never brought up. Most likely never will be again from where I'm at.

 

I am not sure what to do or where to go from here. Can I ever really trust her again?

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I would feel the same way as you. This is why communication is so important. What was her explanation? Was it a misunderstanding?

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OP, that was NOT swinging. It was what we call CHEATING. I understand why you are furious, and in my opinion you have every right to be hurt, furious, angry, and just upset. That was not swinging, no matter what she may call it. Its called cheating. I would suggest you stop swinging and seek counseling with a professional if you want to continue in the relationship.

Best of luck to you,

Shelly

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I personally believe it is time to delete all of your "swinging" ads and no more spending time even thinking about Swinging.

 

You two have things to work out and I promise you that Swinging is not one of them.

 

You being able to trust her will be between you and her but at the moment this has to be about you two and no one else involved.

 

Swinging does not fix things and will rip a relationship apart real fast if things are not right.

 

Good luck to you.

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Guest Confused In PA

Thanks for all the replies. As I said, as of last year we did not discuss swinging at all. It's too early to tell but I'm not sure she's worth the effort. I guess I should have payed a little more attention to the information I was reading and took to heart what everyone has said about the single males. What was supposed to be something for US turned out to be something for him and her.

 

I guess I am one of those unlucky guys :( who's attempt at living out a fantasy created a very bad reality.

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Couple of things.

 

First, you married her so there must be something that you like about her so I would say it is worth it. Take the time and make things right. Turning tail and running at the first sign of peoples does not make for much of a relationship.

 

Also, don't take to heart what some say about single guys. The single guy did not cause this problem for you. There are many great single guys, we have been playing with them for years and have never had one try to get in the middle of our relationship.

 

Time to deal with your spouse, that is where your problem lies. There is always two sides to each story and I am betting she feels she has a reason for what she did also.

 

Don't just listen to her, HEAR her and find out what you both need to do to make things right. Betting it will be worth it.

 

Good Luck.

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Were that Mrs. Chicup I'm not sure she would be Mrs. Chicup any longer.

 

Thats not heat of the moment human lust but a a premeditated liaison behind your back and then covered up with a lie.

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Also, don't take to heart what some say about single guys. The single guy did not cause this problem for you. There are many great single guys, we have been playing with them for years and have never had one try to get in the middle of our relationship.

 

Just want to interject that I absolutely agree with this. The single guy was WRONG, yes. He should have said you are married, I will need to talk with your husband to make sure that this is okay. But I have talked to couples that play with cheating hubbies knowing they are cheating...we were told that "its not our problem"...don't agree. However, SHE is the one married and the ultimate responsibility fell on her hands. I agree that the buck should not be passed onto the single man here. She emailed the guy behind her husband's back and initiated this mess.

Shelly

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I am with Vegas Lee here.

 

Even when we only hear one of the bells, we often cannot avoid putting ourselves in the OP shoes, adding logs to the fire as if everithing else that wasn't told were matching our personal background.

 

It calls my attention the way she told you she had this meeting... she wasn't taking a deffensive, guilty aproach, but she told you this in bed. It seems to me she didn't expected this reaction from you, and this leads me to ask... why?. Because at some point you have to do with that why.

 

Obviously there was a lack of communication here, one that misslead both of you into expect the opposite from what happened, and this seems to be a shared responsibility.

 

I believe we lack several pieces of this puzzle as to become judgamental towards the wife.

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Perhaps you are right. You probably are right, this is why I said for them to seek counseling. I think that all thoughts of swinging should be halted completely, but he said that this was done already. I think marital counseling is in order. You know, I just can't buy the entire mis-communication thing though. If this was a mis-understanding than it was HUGE. I don't know, and I do not pretend to be a licensed counselor. But I think that she needs to be aware that when you have sex with another person without your spouse knowing about it you are opening up all kinds of issues. I'm not saying to leave her OP, I don't think I relayed anything like that. I'm saying seek counseling with a trained professional and begin to rebuild your trust. BUT. She needs to understand that having sex with people when your spouse is unaware is just not okay behavior as well. This is why so many couples are we both play or we don't play, just so misunderstandings such as this do not happen.

Shelly

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Confused, I agree with everyone here but, just curious.

 

How long have you been married?

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Guest Confused In PA

We've been together 13 years and have had the same problems that all couples have. Perhaps this is her way of telling me it's not working.

 

In addition to the obvious advice has anyone had experience talking to a psychologist about a situation like this? I am not feeling so good about myself since this happened and know for sure that I need to talk to someone about how I feel. I can't sleep, can't eat and work is becoming very difficult. I can talk to her but that won't be enough.

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Hi Confused, I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

 

Confused In PA said:
About a year and a half ago we started talking about swinging. She had previous experience I did not.

She was the one with the experience. She should have known that going behind your back is not swinging.

 

Confused In PA said:
WE agreed that he wouldn't be for us so I sent an e-mail to him explaining thanks but no thanks. I thought that was the end of it. ...... she tells me that a few days after I sent OUR reply she e-mailed him and told him that she was interested. They met at a hotel and played leaving me completely unaware.

This is ALL on her. This is her doing, she initiated this.

 

We've had MFM's with a few single guys. We are clear that we are always together, no exceptions (don't even think you're getting alone with me). The men we've met with were crystal clear on it and crossed no boundaries. (MFM with a single guy can work out great when everyone's on the same page.)

 

Confused In PA said:
Flash forward to yesterday and during some play time talk she tells me that a few days after I sent OUR reply she e-mailed him and told him that she was interested.

It sounds like she actually may have believed that you'd be turned-on and pleased with her actions. It boggles my mind! But, maybe in her past life as a swinger, this is what her ex swing-partner just happened to be into??? It has a name: Hotwife, Hotwifing, etc. (she goes off on her own pursuits, she tells him about it, it turns him on.) I can't comprehend being this out of touch with my husband, to not realize that in our relationship, this would be cheating and deceit (as it would be to the majority of us here on this board). But, the setting/timing in which she told you does make me think she was clueless about how you'd feel. :confused:

 

Confused In PA said:
In addition to the obvious advice has anyone had experience talking to a psychologist about a situation like this? I am not feeling so good about myself since this happened and know for sure that I need to talk to someone about how I feel. I can't sleep, can't eat and work is becoming very difficult. I can talk to her but that won't be enough.

 

Please do go and see someone right away. I haven't been to a psychologist (let alone in a situation like yours), but Mr. Tybee has. His first wife cheated on him (in the old-fashioned way; they weren't swingers), having carried on an affair behind his back for some time. As the marriage was falling apart, he was left feeling devoid of self-esteem, really hurt and confused. He has told me that although he only went for a handful of sessions, it helped him tremendously.

 

Only because it seems that your wife may have made a monumentally stupid mistake and had a stupendous lack of judgment (thinking this would actually turn you on/be okay), I'd give her a chance to explain herself. Go for help for yourself, but also, ask her the big WHY question, which is what we are all wondering here.

 

I really wish you all of the best. Hugs!!!!!

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We think that you need to forgive her and continue to think about swinging. Thirteen years is a long time to just flush. If you have been talking about swinging. Emailing people about swinging. Meeting people about swinging. She has had previous experiences. You have been building up an anticipation of having sex with another person. She was ready for action. She was hot to trot. Give her the benefit of doubt and give her another chance. You have been talking about her having sex with other people. She just got a little ahead you. If she continues to play games, dump her. We can assume that you are absolutely perfect. Can't we?

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We think that you need to forgive her and continue to think about swinging. Thirteen years is a long time to just flush. If you have been talking about swinging. Emailing people about swinging. Meeting people about swinging. She has had previous experiences. You have been building up an anticipation of having sex with another person. She was ready for action. She was hot to trot. Give her the benefit of doubt and give her another chance. You have been talking about her having sex with other people. She just got a little ahead you. If she continues to play games, dump her. We can assume that you are absolutely perfect. Can't we?

 

I don't agree, she cheated in a premeditated fashion and lied about it. She has a lot of s'plaining to do. I'd personally be extremely angry with my wife if she did anything like that and I can't say what I'd do from there.

 

We can assume that you are absolutely perfect. Can't we?

 

I can't speak for the poster, but I can state that in 16 years together I've never cheated on my wife. I know if I did she would be devastated.

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We think that you need to forgive her and continue to think about swinging. Thirteen years is a long time to just flush. If you have been talking about swinging. Emailing people about swinging. Meeting people about swinging. She has had previous experiences. You have been building up an anticipation of having sex with another person. She was ready for action. She was hot to trot. Give her the benefit of doubt and give her another chance. You have been talking about her having sex with other people. She just got a little ahead you. If she continues to play games, dump her. We can assume that you are absolutely perfect. Can't we?

Ummm....HUH? Oops sorry I meant to say

 

WTF?

 

Swinging for us requires trust. If either was to break that trust and (from what the OP says downright LIE) the swinging and probably the relationship would be over. As for single guys, they're not the marriage police. He wasn't obligated to get your permission...she was.

 

Mrs

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We think that you need to forgive her and continue to think about swinging.

 

Yep, always a good idea to throw a drowning man an anchor. :eek:

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If recovering from an affair is a twelve-step process, getting back to swinging is...oh...about step 30.

 

I agree with SouthBond in one respect: 13 years IS a lot of time to flush away...I guess the Mrs. should've thought about that before she fucked it away. Whether you forgive her or not is up to you, but if I were you, I'd wait until she's hurting (a LOT) from the realization of what she's done to you and your marriage with her stupidity. Unless she fully (FULLY) understands what she threw away with her dishonesty, the begging for forgiveness you see right now is nothing but damage control. Pat things down, smooth things over, "There there there, SEE?? ALL better...right? Honey?" Don't fall for it. Cheating changes things, even after the couple recovers. There's always scar tissue and it aches when the storms blow through. Not much, but always just enough to remind you that things have changed. Unless you wait, she'll do it again. Guaranteed.

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We think that you need to forgive her and continue to think about swinging.

 

Wow, that's two posts from you in one day that leaving me wondering if we are even reading the same board!

 

You have been building up an anticipation of having sex with another person. She was ready for action. She was hot to trot. Give her the benefit of doubt and give her another chance. You have been talking about her having sex with other people. She just got a little ahead you. If she continues to play games, dump her.

 

I think it's safe to say that he anticipated that he and his wife were going to be swinging together. This isn't jumping the gun - she went well beyond that point.

 

If I pulled that stunt on my spouse (the cheating/behind his back stunts), our "swinging" would be over. I'd be lucky if he were willing to consider counseling with me, and I'm sure it would be long time before he had any trust in me, if ever. The best thing out of swinging is that we are completely honest with each other, no matter what form our activities take. There are no games, no deceit, no going ahead of the other. I thought that was the point of swinging - we didn't need to lie to do something different.

 

As to the OP - I am so sorry that you are in this situation. I can only imagine what you might be thinking and feeling at this point. I don't even know how you are working and functioning at this point. I hope you do consider seeing a counselor, even if it is by yourself, as another support system.

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We've been together 13 years and have had the same problems that all couples have. Perhaps this is her way of telling me it's not working.

 

In addition to the obvious advice has anyone had experience talking to a psychologist about a situation like this? I am not feeling so good about myself since this happened and know for sure that I need to talk to someone about how I feel. I can't sleep, can't eat and work is becoming very difficult. I can talk to her but that won't be enough.

 

curious, this is a pretty serious issue. i can somehow relate to your needs for advice and i dont want to compare problems,or share mine. ours are diffrent.yet swinging was involved in mine/ours as well.

 

people have diffrent oppinions and this is something i would have to say needs profesional help. there is nothing to be ashamed of in seeking some counseling be it alone or together. mr.fun

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We think that you need to forgive her and continue to think about swinging. Thirteen years is a long time to just flush. If you have been talking about swinging. Emailing people about swinging. Meeting people about swinging. She has had previous experiences. You have been building up an anticipation of having sex with another person. She was ready for action. She was hot to trot. Give her the benefit of doubt and give her another chance. You have been talking about her having sex with other people. She just got a little ahead you. If she continues to play games, dump her. We can assume that you are absolutely perfect. Can't we?

 

This is the reverse from the same coin I mentioned in my previous post.

 

SouthBond, I don't know what lead you to provide this advice, but the OP isn't YOU.

 

I am pretty sure he have well grounded motivations to feel the way he does about being betrayed, and it is posible that his wife had a grounded motivation to act the way she did.

 

We shouldn't deprive those motivations from it value, without knowing more about the whole thing. We just don't have enough information as to provide an advice.

 

So far, the only one we can talk about is the OP.

 

Later on he asked for advice about the vaule of seeking for professional help, and I believe this is a wise measure to take.

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I wouldn't blame the single guy at all -- we don't have enough information. Hell, she could have lied to that dude and said you were all on board with her meeting him, etc. ...

 

SHE was completely in the wrong. For the life of me, I will never understand cheating swingers ... seems like a oxymoron to me. Think about it ... your spouse will allow you to fuck other people ... why in the HELL would you cheat for sex? If she's cheating, it's for other reasons.

 

Take the swinging out of the mix for now. Work on your marriage (if it's worth working on). Once you are strong in your marriage, THEN you MAY be able to broach the subject again.

 

Sorry you're going through all of this.

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Guest Confused In PA

so after some time to deal with this mess, I've asked her the obvious question, Why? Her reply was "I don't know, it was just sex" and "it didn't mean anything"

 

I don't know what others might think but I don't buy this. There is/was a reason, there's always a reason and YES it did "mean something" to me.

 

So as not to aggravate an already tense situation I've asked her to write me an apology letter and "try" to explain what would possibly make her think that this would be o.k. I'm not expecting anything more than what I've already heard but who knows. I'm still baffled how someone who is otherwise very responsible would meet with a complete stranger whom WE only met once.

To me that is just plain stupid.

 

One other note, I created a single profile on SLS just to see if the guy was still around and his profile was set to "invisibile" 133 days ago. Now I'm wondering if it really was a one time thing. There are too many things that don't make sense to me.

 

Lastly, I mentioned that I should have taken to heart things I read about single males. I do not blame him, I blame HER. I also blame myself and can't help but think we should have looked for another couple. Then maybe, not a guarantee, but maybe this could have been avoided.

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Well as for me I would have the locks changed after she went to work and be done with the whole thing.

 

There is not one thing or for that matter any number of things she can do to restore this relationship - sorry but it is done, unless you find some pleasure in being a cuckold.

 

Wasting your time trying to restore this relationship will be just that - wasting your time. Spend your time in the search for someone that understands and has appreciation for honesty and integrity.

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Well, lets not jump the gun and change locks. OP, this is YOUR marriage. We do not know you nor your wife. From what you have said yes. She was absolutely in the wrong here, and I do consider what she did to be cheating. I don't understand WHY for the life of me.....all she had to do was say yes, she was interested and you would have done an MFM! Wow, all of this could have been avoided. If you are now thinking that she had a relationship with this man then you are talking a whole new can of issues. I honestly don't know what to tell you other than what I would do in the same situation possibly: Number one, seek a counselor. If you think your marriage is salvageable (13 years is a long time to throw away, so be sure you have really pondered before you consider the D word) seek marriage counseling immediately. I would probably stop sex with her at this point. I would not be able to make love to a woman that I don't trust, but thats my opinion only. You may want to seek your own private counselor even if you are also in marital counseling. I think that even if your marriage were to end you need help in dealing with all of the emotions you are feeling. I have never experieneced them, but I know you are hurting. Married or divorced you have got to deal with these emotions and anger so that you can move forward and have a happy life. But the "it was just sex" bit? I don't buy it for a second. Best of luck to you.

Shelly

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so after some time to deal with this mess, I've asked her the obvious question, Why? Her reply was "I don't know, it was just sex" and "it didn't mean anything"

 

I don't know what others might think but I don't buy this. There is/was a reason, there's always a reason and YES it did "mean something" to me.

 

Precisely. I think the trouble is that your wife still thinks that you're upset because she had sex with another man. But that isn't it, is it? It was the lie. Whether or not it was "just sex" is irrelevant to the real issue, which is that she was okay with deceiving you. Why didn't she just tell you? Oh, I know this one...because if she had, it would mean that there was a distinct possibility that she wouldn't get what she wanted. And she had to have what she wanted. ASKING for your input would mean that she would have to compromise. She didn't trust your desire to make her happy; she had to make it happen for herself without giving you the opportunity to do it for her. You weren't given any choice.

 

Dude, you have every right to be pissed off. Hell, I'm pissed off and I'm not even married to her.

 

I'm still baffled how someone who is otherwise very responsible would meet with a complete stranger whom WE only met once.

To me that is just plain stupid.

Yeah, no one really touched on that issue, did they? It's one of the reasons we don't play solo. Most people are pretty nice, but it only takes one freak who is off his meds to drop something in your drink and you wake up the next morning - if you're lucky! - with a pussy full of God knows what. Or maybe your husband never sees you again. Even in the best case scenario, where you come home after being assaulted, what are you going to do about it? Go to the police? Yeah. Sure.

 

Lastly, I mentioned that I should have taken to heart things I read about single males. I do not blame him, I blame HER. I also blame myself and can't help but think we should have looked for another couple. Then maybe, not a guarantee, but maybe this could have been avoided.

 

While the single guy, if he was a man of any integrity, should have refused her once he knew her game, perhaps it's too much to hope for. That's still beside the point. The bottom line is that it doesn't matter what the rest of the world's intentions are. What matters is the decision we each make for our own relationships.

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so after some time to deal with this mess, I've asked her the obvious question, Why? Her reply was "I don't know, it was just sex" and "it didn't mean anything"

 

My #1 problem with her reason/response to you is her complete lack of empathy and respect for you. Where are you in her answer? So "it didn't mean anything" to her. She is only responding to the sex, not to the real questions: "WHY did you go behind my back, after we emailed and turned him down as a couple, which was our joint decision? Why did you pursue him and not tell me? Why did you meet him and fuck him without me there? Do you think that what you did (going behind my back) is in ANY way related to the swinging we talked about?"

 

As a wife, why did she not consider at all what it may or may not mean to you?

 

These are the things that I would want to know. It would be all about her complete lack of respect for you, and what appears to be her lack of caring how you feel.

 

I hope that you're doing okay, and I really hope that you do get some counseling for yourself to help you get through this, regardless of the outcome with your wife.

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I agree with Tybee Swing, and that sort of "why" was the one I meant before.

 

You're right in feeling deceived and it is up to you to decide if it worth the effort to save your marriage.

 

Of course, the easiest option here is to divorce. It's so "easy" to advice you to go for this choice, and even now how to do it, feeding your anger and so on, that I feel this option doesn't require any further comment or discussion (unless you start a "how to divorce" thread).

 

So, I stick to the first option, not as an advice to follow, but just given the chance that you could be pondering it and it'd be more valuable a comment on the harder option.

 

What I don't quite get it yet is this. You two seemed to have a great communication, to the point of being open to discuss swinging and meet this single guy. She was next to you for 13 years. Yet, suddenly, she shows you a completelly new, compeletty deceiving face to you?

 

What's hard to understand for me is, how it is possible that someone able to do what she did, in the terms you put the events, didn't give you any clue of this face along all those years?

 

Unless having a mind health problem able to produce unexpected behaviors (like being hit with a hammer in the back of her head), people doesn't change so dramatically from one day to the next. Of course, we all change, but it is often a slow peaced process, and people arond you notices "something is going wrong".

 

This question goes beyond this relationship outcome, because I believe there were hints you didn't notice, for whatever reason, and, what guarantees you that you wouldn't notice this sort of clues again, with your wife or with someone new?

 

And back tho this relationship, I wonder if there wasnt's some sort of denial of "evidences" from you when discussing the whole swinging idea with your wife. This is something we've seen a couple of times around here: the guy so turned on by the swinging idea, focused mostly in the pleasure he would get from this (even if making the wife "perform" with another guy), and unaware ot the effect on the wife (like "but... she got out of the closet and now she wants more than what I want"), that pursuing his own fantasies doesn't take a look (or doesn't want to take a look) of what's going on around him.

 

I am not telling this is your case, since I don't know. It's an example of one of MANY different scenarios where my question could be answered.

 

And I believe it is important for you (and you alone, here) to be able to recognize the scenario, as to be able to avoid it in the future, wheter with your wife or with someone else.

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It's one of the reasons we don't play solo. Most people are pretty nice, but it only takes one freak who is off his meds to drop something in your drink and you wake up the next morning - if you're lucky! - with a pussy full of God knows what. Or maybe your husband never sees you again. Even in the best case scenario, where you come home after being assaulted, what are you going to do about it? Go to the police? Yeah. Sure.

 

This is a reason you don't play solo? Seriously, this may happen to any single gal (or guy?) dating someone new... and for the sake of bumping against someone off his meds, you don't have to be a swinger to face a nightmare like this one.

 

I believe if you make a list of 10 reasons for not playing solo, this should be the last one to worry about, since you don't need an stretched example involving a psychotic guy to call for troubles.

 

Of course, this guy looks like a bastard for me at first glance, but it's important to point out we fear this from single guys preciselly because this is a "normal" behavior to expect in our society, where after all, it's less ill seen to cheat than to swing.

 

Also, notice the "joint decision" they took when meeting this guy was a rejection, for whatever reason (even if the OP vibes about this guy feature).

 

And, to be fair, there are a lot of single guys who are safe playmates, even for "solo playing", it is just they fight against the statistics since most of the single guys, even when completelly normal, are way off grounds regarding to swinging and understanding the couple requirements, while wanting an easy way to get laid.

 

I believe no one addressed the other guy here because it's the lesser of the issues for the OP. The problem here isn't about him, and perhaps not even about the solo playing, but to do it behind the OP's back, in a deceiving way.

 

And again, as I stated before, my smell tells me there is something else going on under the waters, from the way the OP's wife told him about her "affair", as if she were not expecting this to be deceifull. It could be a "play dumb" strategy on her behalf, but if she was properly aware of the OP expectations by then, then it'd be a pretty stupid strategy.

 

I strongly believe this sort of issues commes from a previous "deceipt", by the time every party express their expectations about each other behavior and the wanted and unwanted outcomes. We all trend to "let some things pass" because we dislike to give it a tought, to feed our fears, and in the hope for the best to happen, and this is the provious deceipt, one than isn't necesarily mean, nor doing on purpose to deceive the other, but perhaps a way to deceive ourselves. We fail to communicate, but not even with our spouse, but with ourselves. And when the reality goes against our hopes, we suddenly face this deception, we get hurt, and we trend to blame on others for it.

 

This is just the human nature, and of course, it isn't necesarily this case, but for as long as certain odd questions about the whole story remains unanswered, I preffer to keep the human nature option open for discussion, following a motto attributed to Einstein (re translated from Spanish the best way I can): "we shouldn't blame on devilness for those acts able to be explained by the human stupidity" (and admitting I may be the most stupid in the face of the earth).

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Einstein was a wise man.

 

To Sereneiders, we're inactive right now anyway, but if we were active, we still wouldn't play solo. For one thing, we don't feel the need to seek the company of others - that's the great thing about being married - and for another, personal safety is something every single/solo person needs to be concerned with, and I don't feel that it's an insignificant concern.

 

Where was it on here that I read the story about the poor woman who hit on a single guy in a bar and it ended with police involvement and the guy screaming at the top of his lungs in the street that she was a whore? Oh, he was fine with screwing a married woman until he found out that her husband was fully aware of her activities. Then suddenly she was a whore...and he was a raving lunatic. I'm just saying that even the nicest guy might be fine until you get him behind closed doors. It's not until you're in a vulnerable position that you see that he's a psycho, and then it's too late. Why go down dark alleys if you don't need to? I'm just sayin'...

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I can relate to the safety issue. As I have said, Jay and I have agreed that we can play alone if ever we have the inclination. However, when it comes to me Jay insists that it be with a man we both know. And I will not play alone on alcohol. In truth it has happened to people. You get a horny aggressive man with alcohol. You are alone, and perhaps you get nervous and say no. I'm a small woman compared to a 250 pound man and would not be much good at fighting back. So I can relate to the safety issue being a factor.

Shelly

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Susan here-- In the search for depth, breadth and meaning in her actions, have you simply considered she's a nitwit who got a cheap thrill from fucking some guy ? Again, let's emphasize that she's a nitwit incapable of really understanding her own actions. Write an apology letter ? Puhleeeze. You're just trying to get some control and understanding from someone unwilling/incapable of either. I still hope you work it out, but it may be less complex and more ridiculous than you think.

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I have to agree here w/ Susan, from what the OP has written the wife appears to have zero compassion for her mate. If this were a guy doing this to a woman, we'd be eviscerating him, and based on what's been written about her so far, she's got it coming. To be honest to the OP I think asking her write a you an apology letter isn't NEARLY enough after what has happened. I think she needs to understand how serious something this is. IMO saying "it was just sex, it didn't mean anything" is blowing it off, and shows very little respect for you, or the situation you're both in. Either that, or she's a complete nitwit. Regardless she will need more dramatic of an lesson than an apology letter. If there's more, please say so, but so far the picture you're painting of her isn't a good one.

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Guest Confused In PA

I really appreciate all the replies regarding my problem. Update:

 

I'm still not getting any answers and thought the "letter" would let her tell me something about the "Why?" I wasn't getting anywhere with the yelling and screaming and apparently the less aggravating appraoch isn't getting anywhere either. I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm not getting an answer.

 

I'm going to get out of this mess while I'm still sane and let her screw up her own life because she is definately done screwing up mine. I'm sure someone out there will appreciate me more than she did/does and then I'll have the last laugh.

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Pa,

I'm sorry that your marriage is ending this way. Please get counseling for yourself immediately. As soon as possible. I only hope that you heal and move on to a healthy relationship and happiness. Best of luck to you.

Shelly

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