People think I am a slut

[rotten&spoiled 15]

Hello all,

I have a question for you. I am the Mrs. of my couple and I have this guy friend. He is one of my best friends. There is nothing sexual about our relationship. He just got engaged to a woman who doesn't trust me with her fiance because she knows I am a swinger. When it comes to my sexual preference I am mostly gay. I don't find most men attractive. They don't get me hot. Have any of you ever had this problem? Were you able to mend fences enough to continue to be this persons friend?

Mrs. Rotten&spoiled

[ht805cpl 16]

I don't think you are a slut, but I think you are way off the mark as to having a male friend who is engaged. His lady is probually correct in her concerns over him being around you. It has nothing to do with you, but there is a big difference between men and women, women seem to be ok with having friends whom they are not sexually attracted to, but for men, at least most warm blooded men interested in women, may or may not be attracted to the woman, but they will have sex with them in a heart beat, so for a man to have a female friend is possible but given the chance he would jump into a sexual relationship with her in a heart beat. If you do not believe this, the next time you are with him, get naked, and see where it goes, If I were a betting man, I would put my money on him being all over you in no time. Of course he may respect your wishes and if you tell him you are not into men or him and may go home and masterbate, but if you don't set any ground rules, then I am sure he will be trying to put the moves on you in a heart beat.

Good luck, if you are married and swinging, why the need for a male friend who is about to get married any way?

I am not judging you, just stating facts from a mans point of view. I too have some female friends, and except for the very fat ones, I would bang any of them in a heart beat. LOL>

Again Good luck.

[Alura 2,774]

My suggestion, Mrs. Rotten and Spoiled, is simply to become her friend. It should be quite easy since you seem to prefer women to men anyway.

 

When the four of you are together, direct most of your attention to her. Ask her questions about her family, her education, her experiences, her opinions. Let her know you're interested in her.

 

Your husband can help by engaging her husband in conversation.

 

Good luck! Let us know how it goes.

 

Alura

[ShellyM 0]

OP,

What I would do is maybe take her to lunch. Sit down with her so she can get to know you as a person and not just the girl her fiance hangs out with. That way you can explain to her that you are bisexual and your relationship is nothing in any way sexual. Women are funny. You know us, we're like mafia cats...all about territory and respect lol. I think that if you show her respect as his fiance and allow her to get to know who you are things will be okay. Not saying kiss her butt, but just extending out that hand of friendship.

Best of luck,

Shelly

[tangyspecial 31]

I know where you are coming from to an extent.

 

My best friend for the past 12 years is a man. Nothing sexual has ever happened between us, and never will. We are both cool with this. Unfortunately, his girlfriends always seem to have a problem with me after they meet me even though they know I'm married and not going anywhere. (The girlfriends don't know we are swingers.) They eventually either get over it or move on because of it. I have never been anything but nice and friendly to them, but my looks must be intimidating. If he would decide to get married, I would make sure that I made his wife my friend whether she liked it or not.

 

Like Shelly said, invite her out for lunch. Get to know her and let her know you. Keep doing it until she *has* to like you for what you are rather than what kind of person she thinks you are.

[SouthBond 18]

How strange. It seems that you are playing some kind of game with the females interested in your guy friend. Your desire to attach yourself to your male friend is extremely disrespectful towards the other woman. You need to take care of your own relationship and leave his alone.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

Good luck, if you are married and swinging, why the need for a male friend who is about to get married any way?

This statement makes no sense to me. I see no reason why women can't have male friends who are single, engaged, or married. It is archaic to make general statements suggesting that women friends are a risk to a man.

 

 

How strange. It seems that you are playing some kind of game with the females interested in your guy friend. Your desire to attach yourself to your male friend is extremely disrespectful towards the other woman. You need to take care of your own relationship and leave his alone.

I see nothing in the OP that suggests she is "playing some kind of game" or trying to "attach" herself to her guy friend.

 

She wants to keep her good friend and she's hoping his girlfriend will become comfortable with her and become a friend as well.

 

 

 

I am always perplexed by how people worry that another person will steal their SO away from them. It is their SO that they should focus on, not all the other people out there. If you can trust your SO you have no reason to feel threatened by anyone.

 

No one can steal someone away who doesn't consent to be taken.

 

LM

[playinginmacon 15]

This statement makes no sense to me.

 

Dito

 

I was hoping somebody would say that.

[lovinher 505]

I agree with Likeminds321, but swingers need to remember that the rest of the world doesn't always think like a swinger. The OP, and swingers in general need to consider that.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

 

I agree with Likeminds321, but swingers need to remember that the rest of the world doesn't always think like a swinger. The OP, and swingers in general need to consider that.

Very good point. Also a good reason to carefully choose which vanilla friends you want knowng you're a swinger. IF this guy is someone who understands swinging, I'd hope that he would help his girlfriend understand it.

 

 

Have any of you ever had this problem? Were you able to mend fences enough to continue to be this persons friend?

I just had a thought; are you talking about mending fences with this guy, and keeping him a friend?

 

Or are you talking about his girlfriend?

 

LM

[rpu3 630]

How strange. It seems that you are playing some kind of game with the females interested in your guy friend. Your desire to attach yourself to your male friend is extremely disrespectful towards the other woman. You need to take care of your own relationship and leave his alone.

 

Huh? Would you have said the same thing if the OP had been male and the OP's friends fiance was trying to end the friendship?

 

The majority of my friends have been men. A couple of whom I dated and just went back to friends, and a couple of guys who were always just friends. Luckily, the three I'm still close to from college ended up with women who did not view my presence as a threat, unlike some of their other girlfriends who seemed to always view me as a rival for the guy's affections.

 

If anything, the OP's friend's fiance is rather disrespectful of the OP's place in the life of her friend. They are friends for crying out loud! How does that make the OP some kind of game player?

 

In the end, the gender of a friend shouldn't matter, but for some women it appears to be a huge issue. The OP's fiance appears to be one that is not quite secure as to the OP's role of friend in her fiance's life.

 

As to the OP, perhaps you might get an opportunity to talk with her and show her that you aren't a threat or rival. The fiance may never understand, however, and your friend may end up ending your friendship, depending on what he chooses to do about it.

 

Been there, and done that - luckily, my male friends all married women that were cool about the female friend thing!

[iapr 24]

I don't have any real advice for this specific scenario. the best I can offer is be as nonthreatening as possible and see how it plays out. The truth is when a lot of people get married it changes the dynamics of their single friendships quite a bit whether any of them are involved in the lifestyle or not. She may get over it and she may not. He may decide it is not worth getting her all upset and your contact with him may dwindle. She may have a problem with him having any female friends let alone one that is a swinger.

 

The real point I would like to make here is that when you have nonswingers that know you are a swinger it is going to cause problems like this. Many vanillas assume that all swingers are ammoral and are screwing everyone all the time. Many people beleive to their core that the only appropriate venue for sexuality is traditional monogamous marriage and that anything else is immoral. I realize there are people that do not like to hide their lifestyle choices and that is their perogative however this is often one of the results of that openess.

[Tybee Swing 286]

The real point I would like to make here is that when you have nonswingers that know you are a swinger it is going to cause problems like this. Many vanillas assume that all swingers are ammoral and are screwing everyone all the time. Many people beleive to their core that the only appropriate venue for sexuality is traditional monogamous marriage and that anything else is immoral. I realize there are people that do not like to hide their lifestyle choices and that is their perogative however this is often one of the results of that openess.

 

This is the #1 reason we don't talk about our choice to vanillas. They just do not understand and have some very harsh preconceived opinions about it.

[Chicup 41]

How strange. It seems that you are playing some kind of game with the females interested in your guy friend. Your desire to attach yourself to your male friend is extremely disrespectful towards the other woman. You need to take care of your own relationship and leave his alone.

 

I think you read the wrong post

 

Now for the OP...

 

Well your friend is partially right, most swingers are sluts of a kind, what she doesn't know is that we are ethical sluts of a kind. If you know her well enough, just ask her outright if she thinks you would try to cheat with her SO and then explain why you wouldn't.

[BradAndJanet 70]

...

Well your friend is partially right, most swingers are sluts of a kind, what she doesn't know is that we are ethical sluts of a kind. If you know her well enough, just ask her outright if she thinks you would try to cheat with her SO and then explain why you wouldn't.

Bingo! I think that's what you need to do. My bet is that her insecurity stems from a lack of understanding about exactly what swinging is - not her fault, because most 'vanillas' don't.

 

-B

[curiouscpl0416 15]

This statement makes no sense to me. I see no reason why women can't have male friends who are single, engaged, or married. It is archaic to make general statements suggesting that women friends are a risk to a man.

 

I see nothing in the OP that suggests she is "playing some kind of game" or trying to "attach" herself to her guy friend.

 

She wants to keep her good friend and she's hoping his girlfriend will become comfortable with her and become a friend as well.

 

 

 

I am always perplexed by how people worry that another person will steal their SO away from them. It is their SO that they should focus on, not all the other people out there. If you can trust your SO you have no reason to feel threatened by anyone.

 

No one can steal someone away who doesn't consent to be taken.

 

LM

 

Thank you Likeminds...

 

I kinda found those two posts to be pretty offensive. My DH and I have been together 15+ years and married 13+ years. I have guy friends and he has girl friends...

 

There is no sexual attraction there whatsoever. How dare these people make it sound as though the Mrs. R&S is playing games or whatever.... the point is... she and he were friends before the fiancee came along.... so why, now that there is a fiancee in the picture, should Mrs. R&S and her friend change their already platonic friendship just to please the new and oh so obviously insecure fiancee?

 

It's not Mrs. R&S's issue or her guy friend's issue... the issue lies with the fiancee. The suggestion's given for taking her out to lunch etc.. were good suggestions. Take the time to build a friendship with his fiancee and assure her that your friendship is purely platonic and in time she'll come around.

[LOL_OMG 130]

It's unfortunate that your good friend has picked a jealous/possessive person to hook up with. I don't have any male friends because I have ONE (the MR LOL) who has the testosterone of 5...maybe 5.3, and that's all I need in my life thank you

 

I'm in agreement that talking to her (with your friends' knowledge) could be beneficial. She would know your intentions, and might put her mind at ease.

 

Mrs

[sereneiders 263]

Hello all,

I have a question for you. I am the Mrs. of my couple and I have this guy friend. He is one of my best friends. There is nothing sexual about our relationship. He just got engaged to a woman who doesn't trust me with her fiance because she knows I am a swinger. When it comes to my sexual preference I am mostly gay. I don't find most men attractive. They don't get me hot. Have any of you ever had this problem? Were you able to mend fences enough to continue to be this persons friend?

Mrs. Rotten&spoiled

 

I'd say this has nothing to do with you. It's just this woman lacks cetain degree of trust in her fiance, and you just happen to be the one there, bringing this to the surface. It is very likely that is you wasn't there, but another, non swinger woman, as this guy friend, she would be having the same concerns.

 

Of course, there could be a component of lack of self steem on her behalf, if she were perceiving she "cannot beat you" in bed since you're a swinger, but this competitive actitude comes after the lack of trust.

 

So, it doesn't matter your personal tastes in bed, to know you're not such a threat for her. And, IMO, there's nothing you can do about this but give them time and wait. Whatever lead you could take would be adding logs to the fire.

[rotten&spoiled 15]

Thank you all for your imput minus the people that think I am playing games. Especially ty to Like Minds321, for setting a couple people straight. There is totally a double standard in this day and age still. Not all men will just jump in bed with any woman. If she trusted or knew him at all she would know that he isn't one of them. He is a very faithful man when he is commited to someone. Yes in the past when he was not commited to her he would have jumped me if we didn't have strict groundrules, but he went for three years without anyone else ( a very horny boy).

 

I have been trying to be friendly with her. I emailed her so that she could digest what I was telling her and be adult about it, because I was with her. I have even explained to her that I understand that me and her fiancee can't be as close as we once were, that he won't have time to be. She didn't listen to word I wrote. She said things like he wasnt going to choose me over her and crazy things like that. She is nuts!! I don't think it is going to last for very long with them anyway. She is causing too much drama for him. I found out since my last thread that she is also trying to cut a couple of his guy friends out of his life too. She thinks they will be bad influences on him. This girl has a friendship with an ex and says that her fiancee will learn to deal with it. She has no respect for his wishes ( he doesn't want her talking to her ex), but expects him to just follow her wishes about his platonic friends.

 

Now I understand other vanilla couples don't always think like us swingers, they have jealousy issues and things. I was never asking to spend alone time with him. I just wanted it so that I could, call him occasionally when I need all the support I can get, be there for him when he needs the same and just go to the bar, sit and chat, have a few beers, and sing a couple songs. That's all I am asking for. I am one of the guys when I hang out with him. I can be a little more like myself without weirding out my straight girlfriends. Thanks for all your replies it has really helped me vent to all of you

Mrs R&S

[Shika 15]

I really feel for you, I am often considered a slut because I am a swinger and my husbands allows for me to have friends with benefits. I only have men as just friends until they get a g/f or married then we always lose touch. I can't balme their women though as my lifestyle is not understood by them and thus feared. It is a odd situation and putting myself in their shoes I would find it hard not to feel the same.