Playing alone - do you?

[HUSGal 15]

Okay - so this is something that my boyfriend and I do from time to time. We allow each other to play alone. This is for LOTS of reasons. Our schedules don't allow for dual play. We're not interested in what the other is (oh and we do have a HUGE difference in taste). Various reasons like that.

 

WE STILL PLAY TOGETHER TOO - He likes to see me with other men! I like to see him with other women!

 

I was talking to some swinging friends last night about it online and they all started freaking out about it like we were breaking some kind of unspoken swinging rules or something. I was like "Whoa wait a friggin second".

 

We have rules here. First we tell each other before we meet anyone (safety plus courtesy so someone isn't waiting on someone else to get home - KWIM?). Secondly - if we KNOW that there is chemistry there and that the chances of something happening is great then we do warn each other (not always the case - but sometimes you just know!). Thirdly we fill each other in with the details (whether they be written, spoken, etc).

 

Personally - I don't feel it's cheating to play alone AS LONG AS I KNOW ABOUT IT! They feel it's cheating the partner is not present whether or not they know about it.

 

So now I'm curious - where does everyone else stand on this issue?

 

I'm secure enough in our relationship to trust him to know that if anything happened he'd tell me. Or if he met anyone (no matter how innocent it was) he'd tell me. Vice Versa too. Or maybe I've been this way soooo long with him that it's just so much like life to me that it's strange that anyone else is DIFFERENT from it.

 

Not passing judgement, but I'm just curious now. So if you don't mind sharing - please do

 

Best Regards,

Nadia

[tangyspecial 31]

I say it isn't cheating as long as you both know what is going on and always stay on the same page. It's only cheating in my eyes if you are hiding things or knowingly doing something that will hurt your spouse.

 

As far as what we do, we only play together because that is what floats our boat.

 

Mrs. Tangy

[leftcoastcouple 32]

Nadia, Mrs. LC and I have done the same in the past (though it's been awhile), and we feel the same way you do. It's bothered me at times that some swingers take (ahem) a moral high road and act as if swinging together is fine, but playing alone is not.

 

Some time back, I stopped worrying about it. What works for you works for you, and who else's business is it anyway?

 

Besides, how on earth could it be "cheating" if you and your partner both know about it and agree that it's OK? IMHO, that takes a lot more trust than most couples could muster, so it's the farthest thing possible from cheating.

 

Thanks for asking and bringing this up. I'd love to see what people have to say!

[VegasLee 1,486]

You are going to find that certain groups of people will call you a cheater because they don't do the same thing that you do.

 

As long as you are not lying or sneaking around on your SO and what you do works for the both of you then fine, it is your thing.

 

Some people feel the need to condemn anything that is different then what they do, don't worry about them. It is not their life, it is yours.

 

Swinging started out as "Recreational sex between consenting adults" many years ago, some today have redefined it to be what they want it to be. Does not make it right or wrong, just different.

 

Do what works for you and don't worry about what other people have to say about it.

[lovinher 505]

For us, rule #1. No playing alone for a whole bunch of reasons. BUT, I don't understand how anybody could call playing alone cheating if you both agree to it. I think swingers that call you a cheater are worried that their spouse may want to try it.

[SouthBond 18]

Be careful. We sure would hate to read about you in the missing person section of the newspaper.

[rpu3 630]

We also have the option of playing alone and we still play together, as well.

 

Both of us are fully aware of what is going on with the other. It's with full knowledge and consent of the other.

 

It's not cheating to us, and personally, I'm not interested in what anyone else thinks of it, either. We (the two of us) call ourselves "consensual nonmonogamists" as opposed to "swingers" for a reason - we don't always play in the "typical" manner. In the end, it is no one's business how we play and it's certainly not up for judgment.

 

Put me in the tally list of "as long as everyone knows and consents, it ain't cheating".

[ShellyM 0]

We play alone 99.9% of the time. We have given each other the option of playing separately, but this is something that we only consider in an absolutely exclusive basis. We have never played alone to date....separate room yes, but not alone. How everyone swings is up to them, this is an individual couples thing..there is no cookie cutter swinger. I actually was going to play alone, but it felt absolutely odd. Not like cheating, more like dating. Didn't sit well with me so we ate dinner and called it a night. It cost us our friendship but hey, I can't do something that I don't feel comfortable with. But yes, many couples do play alone.

Shelly

[daisy girl 34]

I enjoy playing together and alone. It depends. WE have some couples that prefer to play alone with me or him. It depends on the couple and what they agree on.

[JTcamp05 9]

We do the same thing.....its NEVER been an issue with us......so we don't worry what others might have to say about it!

[havefuninsun 122]

Isn't it odd that those swingers who get upset if someone from the "vanilla side" passes judgment on them are the first to question other couple's preferences? That glass house is gonna hurt someone when it comes tumbling down.

 

Our preference right now is to play together; we've played in separate rooms and that was a step for me. Mr. Fun would play alone with full knowledge if that's what I wanted, but, like we've discussed over and over again, you advance in this process by the "slowest" participant (that would be me). I'm not comfortable with it personally, but have no issue with how others play.

 

Do I think you guys are cheating on each other? Absolutely not. You probably have the strongest relationship of anyone that you both know, in the "straight" world as well as the "curvy" one

[Chicup 41]

Well hmmmm....

 

We have played alone.

We, as a rule, are not comfortable with couples who play alone.

 

Hypocritical on the surface but let me explain.

 

We have played alone, and I (the male) do quite often. We ONLY play alone with couples we have both been with and know very well. She is comfortable with them as am I.

 

I personally worry a lot about my wife. She is after all the love of my life, and while I trust her explicitly, I do not trust other people until I have a better idea about who they are. I would not be comfortable with her meeting someone at a club or off the internet alone.

 

Playing alone is also something that gets into our comfort level. We would far rather be together and have it be a shared experience than get the after action report with a stranger to us.

 

Playing alone also gets close to open marriage territory, something I think is a bad idea for most couples who try it.

 

So while if we knew you were in a rock solid relationship, and had 'permission' to play alone, we probably would be ok with it, but since under most circumstances we don't know this for sure, we tend to back away a bit. Its only come up once where it could have been an issue, as we don't play with single males (and a majority of 'play alones' tend to be 'my wife couldn't be here tonight), but she wasn't my type so my conviction was never put to the test

[havefuninsun 122]

Well hmmmm....

 

We have played alone.

We, as a rule, are not comfortable with couples who play alone.

 

 

Well -- I think there is a big ol' difference in comfort levels than being judgmental. The OP gets the impression that they are being judged by their way of swinging; Mr. Fun actually chatted with a woman last night who plays without her husband and then goes home and tells him juicy details. Our "comfort" level with meeting her/them would be "is she safe? Does she have good judgment of her playmates that would equal ours?" We find this stuff out by more conversations with them. If their behavior is deemed reckless to us (may not be in someone else's eyes, but in ours), then we would choose not to play with them.

 

I'm not being judgmental ... whatever floats their boat, ya know?

 

We have met one couple that we have deemed "safe" enough (for a lack of a better word) to play alone with, but they're not interested in that. It's all cool.

 

So to the OP -- those folks you are talking to may or may NOT be judging your behavior, but trying to gather more information. If you all seem reckless in THEIR view, then I'm sure you can understand them not wanting to meet. Don't take it personally; try to understand their accessing their risks, whether their making good decisions in your view or not. But if they're being downright rude, just write them off ...

[nwmifun 16]

We've played alone when the other was out of town or too busy with something else. Of course the other is in full knowledge. So, no, we don't think it's a big deal on your part. It sounds like some of the people you're talking to need to get their panties out of a bunch.

[WesternSwing 504]

We play solo on occasion, but it is with people we both know. And we play together more often than solo.

 

In my former career I used to travel quite a bit at not wanting Mrs. WS just sitting at home bored, I encouraged her to go to parties with our friends, and yes she would of course play. They'd even send pictures to my cell phone. Even for me it was a huge turn-on, and I wasn't even there!

 

We have also found that sometimes one of us is really turned-on by someone, but there isn't the mutual feeling between the spouses. Or in one case, Mrs. WS has a high school friend that is a single female in the lifestyle and we have a great attraction to each other. I play with her solo occasionally because the relationship is just too close for Mrs. WS. But she knows her and doesn't have any problems with me playing with her.

 

Mrs. WS has also had a boyfriend in the past and she'd play with him solo occasionally, also.

 

But, again, the common thing here is that we only play solo with those both of us know. We don't play with someone one of us met and the other hasn't. Which brings-up an interesting point: you'd never believe the number of single males that will refuse to meet me, even though it is the only way they'll get to play with Mrs. WS. Mrs. WS will tell them "Okay, lets all go to dinner tonight so Mr. can meet you and then we can play on a later date." Many of these guys get completely freaked-out at the prospect of meeting me. So, they never get past first base with her.

 

As to why some feel it necessary to judge others? There are always those that have some overwhelming need to be "right", and for them to be "right" everyone else has to be "wrong". They are uneasy with the idea that "right" is different for different people and that there is more than one "right" in most situations. So if playing solo is something that is not "right" for them, than it must not be "right" for anyone.

 

Mr. WS

[rpu3 630]

But, again, the common thing here is that we only play solo with those both of us know. We don't play with someone one of us met and the other hasn't. Which brings-up an interesting point: you'd never believe the number of single males that will refuse to meet me, even though it is the only way they'll get to play with Mrs. WS.

 

Dito

 

The "playing alone" for us is limited to those we've already met with as a threesome or foursome, and it's just something that evolved out of that threesome/foursome.

 

I don't think we've made it to the point where someone will outright refuse to meet the other spouse - I catch the clue by four in that the guy is unwilling to communicate with my spouse in the first place (an email or a chat or something!), so it's over before anything even starts.

 

In any case, Nadia, it seems as if a few of us do play alone in some form or another, and others will play with those who do play alone. As long as it works for you and your partner, who cares what others think about it? Easier said than done at times, of course.

[bethncole 49]

This is a topic where we feel we are a minority. We feel that if we are in an open relationship - everything should go. We can play together and/ or separately. I do love watching my wife with other men but it doesn't mean that if I'm not available ( at work or on a trip ) - she can't play on her own and vice versa.

 

I never got those couples who say "we only play together" or "no single men". Why draw a line at such weird half-way spot?

[JTcamp05 9]

This just might be another part of swinging that changes over time too... Usually couples start off with rules that tend to become lax as they get more comfortable with the lifestyle or emotions involved.

[rpu3 630]

This is a topic where we feel we are a minority. We feel that if we are in an open relationship - everything should go. We can play together and/ or separately. I do love watching my wife with other men but it doesn't mean that if I'm not available ( at work or on a trip ) - she can't play on her own and vice versa.

 

I never got those couples who say "we only play together" or "no single men". Why draw a line at such weird half-way spot?

 

Because they can draw their own lines, rules and boundaries? (and I'm truly not trying to be a jerk about your statement - I'm just working off it).

 

As I've already mentioned above, we do play separately as we see fit, under our own particular set of rules or conditions. If others are not interested in playing alone - good for them. More often than not, our style is looked at rather askance by others, and I'll never understand why. Like the OP, it's baffling to have many of the "we don't play alone group" treat those who play by a different set of rules as if they are bad, wrong, or freaks.

 

I'm not interested in passing judgment on everyone else's rules and boundaries. Nor am I interested in pushing our style of play onto anyone else. Everyone should allowed to do things there own way and have those choices respected - not judged as if there is a universal set of rules for alternative sexual lifestyles. Personally, I would appreciate if others didn't pass their judgments onto me. We all play differently - those differences shouldn't be construed as wrong or bad - just different.

[FloridaFlirt 15]

Echoing some things already posted here:

 

Each couple needs to set its own boundaries regarding swinging. What works in my relationship may not work in yours.

 

Sorry you are getting judgement like that from others.

[Tybee Swing 286]

Personally - I don't feel it's cheating to play alone AS LONG AS I KNOW ABOUT IT! They feel it's cheating the partner is not present whether or not they know about it.

 

So now I'm curious - where does everyone else stand on this issue?

 

Hi Nadia,

 

We feel that people who play separately and/or have an open marriage (and are in agreement on it and both happy about it), are most definitely not cheating! I'm surprised to hear that there are swingers who would call this "cheating". To us, cheating involves cover-up, sneaking around, dishonesty, doing something we know would hurt our spouse if they knew about it, etc.

 

I never got those couples who say "we only play together" or "no single men". Why draw a line at such weird half-way spot?

 

Hmmm, that's presumptuous, calling not playing separately a "weird half-way spot". Many couples play together because it's what feels best to them, and it's much sexier to them. Their primary motivation to swing is that they get off on being together doing this, seeing each other in action. Being separate just doesn't do it for them. For many of us, the best M/F sex we have (by far) is with each other, and all we're really looking for is to mix things up in a group setting in which we're both involved. There can be many other good reasons why some like to stay together. Many people have safety concerns, which can be valid reasons, too.

 

There are all kinds of styles and reasons for the way that people choose to swing - and they're all fine, as long as the couple involved are in agreement with each other.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

This is a topic where we feel we are a minority. We feel that if we are in an open relationship - everything should go. We can play together and/ or separately. I do love watching my wife with other men but it doesn't mean that if I'm not available ( at work or on a trip ) - she can't play on her own and vice versa.

 

I never got those couples who say "we only play together" or "no single men". Why draw a line at such weird half-way spot?

 

You stated the difference in your first sentance. YOU are in an OPEN marriage... while that is a form of swinging, it is not the only form... most swingers do not have an OPEN marriage.

[lovinher 505]

I don't understand the people that can't understand.