I'm getting emotionally attached...and I'm scared

[luvjazz 15]

This past week my husband and I had our first swinging experience. It was very spur of the moment, but was intense and simply amazing. We invited a very good friend of ours (male) and he accepted. It was the first experience for all of us, and we all enjoyed it.

 

What scares me now is how I feel for my friend. I will admit, I have fantasized about this guy for weeks, and my husband could tell right away that there was major chemistry between us from day one, which is why we asked him to join us. But now I'm afraid I am falling in love with my friend. My husband has actually asked me about this, and I have been truthful. I love him, but I also have feelings for the friend. My husband is just wonderful about this, and says he doesn't have a problem since I still love him. He says you can't help who you fall in love with. My friend has told me that he has thought about our night together quite a bit since it happened. I wanted to ask if he was feeling what I am feeling, but I haven't.

 

We all went into this knowing we wanted to preserve all the existing relationships (my marriage, all friendships, etc.), but as it was happening I could tell that my friend has feelings for me too. Though he has now met another girl and the jealousy monster is raging in me hard-core. I don't know what to do. I know my husband and I are okay, we have talked all about all of this. I want so much to talk about this with my friend, but if we both admit to having feelings for one another, I am scared it will destroy our friendship.

 

I am so upset and confused. I really thought I was ready for swinging, and hubby and I talk about trying a couple next - partially because I want to get over my feelings for my friend - but I can't let go of this first experience. I'm getting emotionally attached. I want them both, so much. Please tell me I'm not alone in this, and tell me how to get past these feelings that are driving me crazy!

[Swing*8701 887]

Ed here-- My wife will kill me for suggesting this,but I think the three of you need to get together and fuck this out of your system.

[Chicup 42]

Ed here-- My wife will kill me for suggesting this,but I think the three of you need to get together and fuck this out of your system.

 

Pretty much completely disagree.

 

The brain ties sex and love together for some pretty obvious evolutionary reasons. In my opinion one of the best side effects of swinging is that I've been able to separate love form sex.

 

Rather than the three of them fucking it out of their system, it would be far better for them to fuck it out of their system together or with a new couple where the op can get her mind to separate the sex from love.

 

luvjazz - Lets face it, having sex with a long time friend is really asking for trouble because you have all the elements of 'love' right there. Long time person who you genuinely like, and then finally that big emotional release of finally having sex with him, something you had no doubt been thinking of for a long time.

 

Let it go, let him go, and find your own way in this together as a couple.

 

I'm also almost certain that someone will post about the 'poly' life style and suggest you explore it. For reasons I won't get into because it will create a pointless argument I'm not in the mood for, I think thats a very bad idea in the long run.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Chicup got this one right

 

Don't play with friends or fellow employees from work. Can have bad results. Get out there and play more. It will separate the sex from love/lust.

 

Easier said than done?

[SouthBond 18]

We highly recommend that you find other couples for playmates. You have awakened the feelings of first love, new love, sweetheart love, love of my life love. You have got to get over this novelty. If the other guy has a girl friend, he probably isn't in love with you. Swinging with other couples may balance out your feelings. Otherwise, you will destroy your marriage. Swinging is about sex.

[luvjazz 15]

I think what's really bothering me, after reflecting for a couple more days, is that my friend just met someone new. He just moved to a new area, and had met someone on an online dating site. His first day in town, he spent the night with this woman. I don't know if they had sex or not, and I'm not asking. This was four days after our encounter. I care about my friend, I want him to be happy, but I can't help feeling hurt. Obviously, that night meant more to me than it did to him. Expected, I suppose. Still hurts though, and I'm a bit afraid to talk with him about that.

[Miss_Piggy 98]

We've played with friends a few times... actually now that I start counting it out it's quite a few. We don't currently play with any of them as we moved to a new city and haven't actually made very many friends yet. Anyway, of the 7 people that I can think of off the top of my head, 1 friendship was really killed. 2 just died out the way they would have anyway. 2 are still good friends and will remain so for a long time even though the dynamics of the friendship are strictly non-sexual now. The other 2 we would happily still play with if we weren't so far away. So there's some stats for you on our own personal experience with friends.

 

I've certainly had my fair share of feelings. One thing that I've always been comforted by is the knowledge that such lustful feelings that come on so strongly do eventually pass. I know it feels like they won't and you may wonder if you're going down the wrong road. If that's a serious concern then you'd be well advised to distance yourself from the friend for a little while. If you look at it closely you may find that the feelings that you are identifying as love are quite different from the love feelings that you feel for your husband. It's my guess that the feelings you have for your friend are rolled up in the excitement and newness of it all.

You are absolutely not alone and my best advice is that you wait it out. The feelings will pass. It may take time. But they will pass. Continuing a sexual relationship with your friend probably won't do much to help the feelings pass, however.

[ShellyM 0]

OP,

First of all I have to tell you that I think you and your husband have a good foundation, and a good head on your shoulders. I was impressed to read how you are able to really identify and admit what you are feeling. Most people feel jealousy but see it as a weakness and so will not admit to feeling what they really are experiencing. Good for you, thats great. I also admire how your husband did not freak out when you were honest with him.....this allows you to really trust him and be honest. Good job. I think that you two have a GREAT marriage and should not do anything to put this in jeapordy. I cannot tell you what you should do, I can only tell you what I would probably do.

 

In truth I think that the sexual relationship between you and your friend should cease. Just my opinion. But I'm telling you girl, we women think with our hearts. I just don't see how continuing this sexual relationship will help your marriage unless you are both interested in a poly type relationship. Now this does work! There are lots of couples that live as a 3 person marriage and love it. Not many can do it, but kudos to those that can! But if your husband is not into that sort of relationship I would suggest finding another hotsy totsy, screwing his brains out, going home with your husband and fucking each other's brains out. The great thing about this is the rush of the lust factor. Not love. BUT thats just me.

 

I would suggest though that you not put your relationship with your husband in jeapordy because y'all seem to have a fantastic thing going....and you really want to talk with him. He may be feeling jealousy or hurt and just not letting you know. So dig a little deeper to make sure that you are really getting what he is feeling.

 

Best of luck to you!!! Shelly

[Chicup 42]

I think what's really bothering me, after reflecting for a couple more days, is that my friend just met someone new. He just moved to a new area, and had met someone on an online dating site. His first day in town, he spent the night with this woman. I don't know if they had sex or not, and I'm not asking. This was four days after our encounter. I care about my friend, I want him to be happy, but I can't help feeling hurt. Obviously, that night meant more to me than it did to him. Expected, I suppose. Still hurts though, and I'm a bit afraid to talk with him about that.

 

Yes welcome to jealousy 101. The problem isn't your friend, the problem is you. For him it meant exactly what it should have been. Casual fun sex with a long time friend. For you its become a new love. You are the one with the issue not him, and you are the one that needs to get over it, not him.

 

I'll be the first to say that I've had some jealousy issues with swing partners when I've seen them playing with someone else. Jealousy is a natural reaction to sex much like love, in fact the two are pretty well intertwined. This is something you will NEED to learn to separate and get over. Don't be a slave to your chemistry here. I know its easy to say 'get over it' when I don't have the feelings, but thats just what you are going to have to do.

[iapr 24]

I would like to point out a couple things that I think are pertinent here and hope you can get turned around and at least not suffer any more distress over this than what you need to.

 

- first off you say this was a spur of the moment encounter. Did you and your husband discuss swinging or anything before this happened or did things just happen one night? This is a very significant question. Many swinging couple discuss swinging and what it means to them for months or even many years before they actually do anything. This gives them time to think about and discuss feelings and beliefs and issues that may arise. It also gives them a chance to understand that in order to swing without driving yourself crazy that you need to keep your feelings of love and devotion and commitment between your spouse and keep the sexuality with playmates as a source of recreational pleasure and excitement.

 

- I don't want to preach but swinging with a traditional friend (especially one that you already have a bit of the warmiese for) is almost always a bad idea and your story here underscores this perfectly. If you continue to consider swinging I would recommend only playing with people you meet in the lifesyle.

 

- You have already discovered this but the swinging experience can be very powerfull. If you have been monogamous and comfortable for a long time a new playmate can awaken feelings you haven't felt in a long time and can make you feel alive and vibrant and energized in ways you haven't experienced in a long time or maybe even ever. It can be easy to confuse these feelings for love. The trick is to channel those feelings into your relationship with your spouse and to use it for your sexual energy as a couple and not to focus it onto the other person. Swinging is a powerfull experience and it does produce a strong reaction that is why we are all here, you problem is you have focused that energy onto your play buddy and not your spouse.

 

My advice is take that energy and feelings of being alive and desirable and sexual and focus it onto your husband and the two of you rock the house just the two of you. THAT is what swinging is really about.

 

- Do whatever it takes to get over your feelings of jealousy over your playmate getting a new chick. He was acting in good faith and seeing your encounter for what it was and is moving on, you need to do the same. You got some extra pleasure and excitement out of the deal and that is what it was for. Jealousy and hanging on to any other hopes is just wasted time and energy.

 

- My bottom line advice for you is to scrap everything related to swinging and go back to the drawing board. You two need to sit down and have some long talks about your relationship and whether swinging is right for you or not. The fact that you develops such strong feelings of attachment right out of the shoot on your first experience shows a thousand red flags. Swinging may not be right for you, it isn't right for the vast vast vast vast majority of people. That is why maritial monogamy has been the official sexual practice of almost every culture thoughout almost all of human history on the planet.

 

Like I said earlier many couples take many months or even years of discussion and self exploration and discovery before they start to dip their toe into the lifestyle. I recommend you do the same.

 

Take care and good luck.

[luvjazz 15]

- first off you say this was a spur of the moment encounter. Did you and your husband discuss swinging or anything before this happened or did things just happen one night? This is a very significant question.

 

My husband and I have talked about having a threesome for years, long before we had ever met our friend. He has always wanted to watch me with another guy. We had never gone beyond discussing, and were having difficulty figuring out the best way to know who to choose. We discussed inviting our friend (just between us) for weeks before we brought up the subject directly to him. We first invited him to join us about three weeks ago, and initially he declined though he said he was interested in the idea. The night it actually happened was the night before he left town; he has moved away to a new job. He said he had never thought of a threesome with us before we brought it up, and then he couldn't stop thinking about it. I think we all saw the opportunity--possibly even the last chance--and took it. So it wasn't exactly spur of the moment, since it had come up in conversations both with two of us and three of us. But the encounter itself came up almost without warning. I hope that explains it a bit better.

 

I personally had never thought of swinging until hubby mentioned it. I feel like I should reciprocate, as in inviting another woman to join us, to be "fair." Hubby has mentioned the possibility of another couple instead, which might help kill off these feelings for my friend plus take the pressure off of me a bit since I do not consider myself bi. But after the mess I have been this week, I am starting to reconsider any of these scenarios. Maybe this just wasn't for me after all.

 

It definitely helps to have some objective opinions, though. I'm very glad I found this forum!

[Mr. HW Sharona 16]

My advice, though short and simple, holds very true, at least in our experiences.....

 

The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else

[ShellyM 0]

Luvjazz,

I don't know that swinging isn't for you.....there is a saying that you will hear ALOT in the lifestyle. You can make friends out of swingers but you can't make swingers out of friends. I'm telling you. I don't know you, and can't tell you what you should or should not do. Number one, like I said before: I would advise no more sex with the friend. You have got to come to terms with the fact that swinging is about lust and recreational sex. Nothing scares other couples off more than the fear that someone will get attached. Jay and I are here to have sex with you, party, have a blast...but we're going home with each other. If you cannot separate sex from love you are not going to be able to be a happy swinger. Some people can't! I have a good friend who cannot imagine how Jay and I do what we do (she is vanilla of course). To her sex is so intertwined with romantic love that she could never separate the two. So you should really introspect and look within yourself.

Shelly

[iapr 24]

My husband and I have talked about having a threesome for years, long before we had ever met our friend. He has always wanted to watch me with another guy. We had never gone beyond discussing, and were having difficulty figuring out the best way to know who to choose. We discussed inviting our friend (just between us) for weeks before we brought up the subject directly to him. We first invited him to join us about three weeks ago, and initially he declined though he said he was interested in the idea. The night it actually happened was the night before he left town; he has moved away to a new job. He said he had never thought of a threesome with us before we brought it up, and then he couldn't stop thinking about it. I think we all saw the opportunity--possibly even the last chance--and took it. So it wasn't exactly spur of the moment, since it had come up in conversations both with two of us and three of us. But the encounter itself came up almost without warning. I hope that explains it a bit better.

 

QUOTE]

 

 

Yes that helps and the fact that this has been a topic of discussion for some time does help your cause significantly.

 

I will stick to my original suggestion in that I think it would be wise to regroup and you and your hubby get your act back together again and see if this is something for you or not.

 

I will add that not only is the swinging experience powerfull but that there are feelings involved and some of them can be strong. I have had feelings and affection and appreciation for every single one of my play partners and I have had fond memories of them and images of them in mind for days and weeks and months afterward.

 

The difference is in that I have no doubt whatsoever in who it is in who I love and where my loyalties and commitments go. I may appreciate and enjoy a play partner and I may have fond memories and fantasies of her after the encounter but there is never any doubt in my mind of who I am going home with and who I have a life and a home and family with.

 

And as i said in my prior post the energy and stimulation and excitement of our play encounters gets channeled into my wife and I's love and sex life and the focus is on us as a couple and not on the people that we play with. We really like to have a fun play encounter with another couple but we LOVE to get home and shake the rafters when it is the end of the night and just the two of us together again.

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here-- Yes, I'm going to 'kill' Ed.

 

Chicup is quite correct.

[sigh35 20]

Edison Carter...I know nothing...I read nothing...this isn't even sigh35, this is someone who broke into her house, stole her password and logged on!! P.S....this does not sound like swinging, this sounds like your ordinary Jerry Springer family drama sorts thing...PPS...Shelly M I do think you're great and not in a bi way...I just like how you think

[sereneiders 263]

Well, this has to do to the beware of making swingers out of firends advice you'll find ad nauseum in this board.

 

Now you may have to choose to give up on this friendship for good... did it worth this to get laid? Of course, I am not addressing the OP specifically with this comment, but all the visitors thinking the best way to start swinging is with a close friend.

 

Back to the OP, in your particular scenario, it seems your husband could be up for some sort of polyamorous relationship, and despicts your friend's take on this, that you're the one that wouldn't be able to manage something like this, since you seem to be a jealous person.

 

I agree with your husband, you cannot control your feelings, and love isn't a "limited resource" that you only can offer to one person at a time. I share his mindsetting about this, I mean "for as long a she loves me, and I keep getting what I usually get from her, I don't care if she loves someone's else" (nor make a "contest" to see who's the loved one who gets "the most").

 

It is preciselly this "lack of control" and your jealous the features that you two shoud have taken into account when picking a friend for your first experience.

 

I also wonder how many relationships (involving sex) you had before your husband. If few, you could be just confussing rush and love.

 

The best scenario I foresight as the outcome would be a polyamorous relationship, since in any other scenario, from your own personal features, one of the relationships seems to be deemed and hardly would survive (and I guess, this one would be yourfriendship). And unless you learn a way to deal with your jealous (IMO, insecurities), and fast... the best scenarios doesn't seems to be feasible.

 

PS: In THIS case I agree with Chicup... even when having some pretty opposite arguments to his but it doesn't surprise me, anyway

[intuition897 2,179]

I think the problem is that you are still measuring love with sex. You're jealous of this man being "unfaithful" to you by having sex with another woman? While you're free to have sex with multiple men? Sorry but the double standard doesn't sit well with me. This isn't an attack as it's really NOMB, but if you ask me, it just shows that the problem is not some outside problem; the problem lies within your own head. Try figuring out why you feel this jealousy. What is it that you're trying to accomlish? I'm a poly-friendly kind of person, so I can appreciate your desire for multiple relationships. I just don't feel that jealousy should play any part in it.

[luvjazz 15]

Oh, I absolutely agree that the problem is all in my head. That's why I came here, to sort of "re-program" myself out of all the crap going on in my mind. And the sex with the friend is certainly over, at least for the near future, as we no longer live close enough to make that possible. I don't *think* I'm jealous of him sleeping with another woman per se, it's just that it happened (if it did, which I'm not completely sure and have no desire to ask) so soon after our encounter. He has told me in the past that he is not one for casual sex at all, and considering how much thought went into whether or not he would participate with us, his friends, I was doubly surprised that he spent the night with someone he just met. Combine that with no communication from him for a few days, when immediately prior we were talking or texting multiple times a day, and thus begins my emotional downward spiral.

 

I don't know. Shit, maybe this *is* a Jerry Springer scenario in the making! Hubby and I did experiment with some other related activities last night, and we are making plans to hook up with someone else next month. And neither of us have any intention of breaking off the friendships. I'm just trying to wrap my head around everything I've been feeling over the past week. I would adore, absolutely adore, a poly-type relationship. But I'm pretty sure my friend isn't into that. Would I like to know that he felt something for me that night too? Absolutely. Could we continue on as friends after knowing that? I do believe so.

 

Weird. I'm gonna stop before I start sounding like a freakin' soap opera.

[Tybee Swing 286]

Hi luvjazz, first of all, welcome! You've come to the right place to talk about this topic, and seek some guidance. There are many very introspective, intelligent people here. Stick around - you're going to like it here.

 

He has told me in the past that he is not one for casual sex at all, and considering how much thought went into whether or not he would participate with us, his friends, I was doubly surprised that he spent the night with someone he just met.

 

Swinging IS casual sex. At it's very core, this is the definition of swinging. Swinging and Poly are two very different things. I think that differentiating between the two will help clear the cloud of confusion for you. Talking about MFM with your husband and initiating the act is swinging.

 

Worrying about this single guy's dating life and being kind of miffed that he had sex quickly with the new girl he's starting to date is not the way swingers think. This man isn't your boyfriend.

 

I would adore, absolutely adore, a poly-type relationship. But I'm pretty sure my friend isn't into that. Would I like to know that he felt something for me that night too? Absolutely.

 

As I was reading through this thread, I had a feeling that you may be more Poly than Swinger - at least for now. You're pretty sure your friend isn't into Poly, and you wish you could explore his feelings more (if he felt something for you).

 

What about your husband's feelings?? Have you talked to him in depth about Poly vs. Swinging, and what he would be comfortable and happy with? In swinging, our spouse is always #1, and honestly, the only one whose feelings really matter.

 

Combine that with no communication from him for a few days, when immediately prior we were talking or texting multiple times a day, and thus begins my emotional downward spiral.

 

I think this was a mistake for you, if swinging is the goal. You got emotionally attached through the constant daily communications. You were feeling like his "girlfriend". Try to put the shoe on the other foot, so you can see this clearly: What if you and your husband find a single gal to have a threesome with. He's talking to her multiple times a day, develops feelings for her, feels jealous about her dating life with others, and then goes into an "emotional downward spiral" over her? How would this make you feel?

 

My husband and I have talked about having a threesome for years, long before we had ever met our friend. He has always wanted to watch me with another guy.

 

This is simply swinging, "just sex", not poly.

 

I personally had never thought of swinging until hubby mentioned it. I feel like I should reciprocate, as in inviting another woman to join us, to be "fair." Hubby has mentioned the possibility of another couple instead, which might help kill off these feelings for my friend plus take the pressure off of me a bit since I do not consider myself bi. But after the mess I have been this week, I am starting to reconsider any of these scenarios. Maybe this just wasn't for me after all.

 

If you want to swing (you'll have to decide this), then I agree with your husband. Going forward and looking for couples will keep things equal. Look for couples who are like you, with a straight female (or bi female who is glad to play straight, too). If you want to swing and not get all entangled, avoiding the "emotional downward spiral" stuff, don't be in constant daily communication with playmates the way you did. Learn to be more casual and just "friendly" about sex. Just learn from this experience, and move on.

 

If we all had quit after one mistake or a bad start, there would be very few people on this board.

[luvjazz 15]

What about your husband's feelings?? Have you talked to him in depth about Poly vs. Swinging, and what he would be comfortable and happy with?

That's the strangest thing in all of this. We have in fact talked about my feelings for our friend. My husband has asked me point blank if I was falling in love with him. At first I said no, mostly because I wasn't really sure at the time and I didn't want to hurt him unnecessarily. But I was very surprised to discover how unthreatened he was about my feelings. He knows implicitly that I am loyal to him, and completely 100% honest with him - especially when I relented and told him I may indeed be falling for our friend. We've not really discussed the poly lifestyle at all, at least not yet. It would be a difficult relationship to maintain anyway, now that our friend has moved away. But my husband knows that he is the one I choose to stay with, and that I still love and trust him. I have no intention of leaving him or our family, for my friend or for anyone else for that matter. I guess I do wish the three of us could stay "together" in a way, at least actively in each other's lives, not necessarily living together.

 

As I was reading through this thread, I had a feeling that you may be more Poly than Swinger - at least for now

I think you may be right.

[ShellyM 0]

Luvjazz,

If nothing else girl I give you props for being so honest with your husband through all of this...this shows your character. I would say go ahead and try it next month and see how that goes. If you then have "love" feelings I would suggest that swinging is not your cup of tea. And like I said before girl, its NOT for everyone. So do not feel bad at ALL if you look within yourself and find that you just are unable to separate love from sex, because that may be just who you are. Anyways, take care...continue being so honest and you will do good I think.

Shelly

[DICK BUTTONS 15]

This past week my husband and I had our first swinging experience. It was very spur of the moment, but was intense and simply amazing. We invited a very good friend of ours (male) and he accepted. It was the first experience for all of us, and we all enjoyed it.

 

What scares me now is how I feel for my friend. I will admit, I have fantasized about this guy for weeks, and my husband could tell right away that there was major chemistry between us from day one, which is why we asked him to join us. But now I'm afraid I am falling in love with my friend. My husband has actually asked me about this, and I have been truthful. I love him, but I also have feelings for the friend. My husband is just wonderful about this, and says he doesn't have a problem since I still love him. He says you can't help who you fall in love with. My friend has told me that he has thought about our night together quite a bit since it happened. I wanted to ask if he was feeling what I am feeling, but I haven't.

 

We all went into this knowing we wanted to preserve all the existing relationships (my marriage, all friendships, etc.), but as it was happening I could tell that my friend has feelings for me too. Though he has now met another girl and the jealousy monster is raging in me hard-core. I don't know what to do. I know my husband and I are okay, we have talked all about all of this. I want so much to talk about this with my friend, but if we both admit to having feelings for one another, I am scared it will destroy our friendship.

 

I am so upset and confused. I really thought I was ready for swinging, and hubby and I talk about trying a couple next - partially because I want to get over my feelings for my friend - but I can't let go of this first experience. I'm getting emotionally attached. I want them both, so much. Please tell me I'm not alone in this, and tell me how to get past these feelings that are driving me crazy!

 

For the most part the wife and I have a rule that at the very second any feeling or emotion towards our partners rears it's head, it stops.

 

For us, we look at swinging as an emotionless act, just raw sex. Once emotions creep in, it can be a slippery slope.

[joaninla 162]

There are some advantages of having sex with a friend you know, admire and enjoy (and is a turn-on to you too). There can also be major problems - for these very same reasons. Never loose sight of your priorities. You love your husband and value your marriage. If it is not possible to have sex with your friend without compromising the relationship with your husband - don't do it! IMHO, it's great that the communication with your hubby is strong - keep talking, and do your best to understand what and why your feelings are for your friend. Good luck - it's very possible this arrangement could end up being a long term, mutually enjoyable threesome.