Buying Into the Experience for Greater Sexual Enjoyment

[Spoomonkey 421]

This may be the most important thread for men in recent recorded history. In fact, it may be so important that I could be the first primate winner of the Noble Prize. Chances are, if you don’t find value in this thread you hate pie, cute babies and all the things that make our country great*

 

Here’s my theory about haunted houses. They really aren’t that scary. But, if you buy into them, they can be creepy as hell. Mrs Spoo and I love haunted houses because we know how to buy in, to really let ourselves be scared. And we always get our money’s worth!

 

You see, being scared is what the haunted house guys are trying to do, but I can spoil that simply by not letting myself get into it. Being scared, therefore, is not so much their job as it is mine. They are doing their part – and when I do mine, it is an amazing experience!

 

So – let’s apply that to sex.

 

Men – the good ones anyway – obsess about their equipment and/or ability to please a playmate. I know for me, I read as much stuff as I can, I work out, I try to make myself fun for the person I am lucky enough to be with (which is usually Mrs Spoo – and I consider that the greatest luck of all!) So – I will start with the assumption (which, admittedly, often doesn’t fit, but for most of the men around here, is probably workable) that the men are doing their part.

 

Where the theory comes in is with the women buying into the experience. I am quite sure that it is not me who gives a woman an orgasm as much as it is her who allows herself to have one. Women can certainly block the best efforts.

 

There are two keys to this (as I see it):

 

1. Chemistry, which is unpredictable and impossible to manipulate. It is either there, sometimes in the form of visible sparks, or it is not.
    
   
2. Comfort, which is just a positive rapport that two people have that makes each able to relax and enjoy a situation.
   

 

Both can increase the other, I think. Where there is chemistry there will be more comfort. Where there is comfort, chemistry can be found.

 

“Buying in” to the experience does not mean pretending you are enjoying lame sex. Not at all! There will always be lame experiences – mostly because I can’t make ever male read this, the most important thread in the history of the written word. But, for those of us who do read it, the questions are these:

1. What can a man do to help increase your comfort level?
    
   
2. What helps you relax in a situation and “buy in”?
   

 

That’s it! The answers to those questions – from women who are familiar with themselves and with what works, what doesn’t – are the Holy Grail that we men seek! It is not the dozens of penis enlargement spam we receive in our email every week. It is right here, in this thread. Your answers will raise this from the best board for swinging information on the net to the single greatest resource for mankind – a monolith of wisdom and evolutionary potential, ala 2001 – A Space Odyssey. Help us evolve, ladies. Help us help you

[RidesLikeNew 45]

From Mrs. Rides, who is the one who is most interested...

 

I don't really talk to that many of my female companions about this, but when it does come up, by far and away the biggest resistance I hear to the idea is ladies' discomfort about their bodies. So gentlemen, I would suggest that you start focusing on the parts of your partner that she likes the best, praising the ones she's not so sure of.

 

And, above all, get yourself some books that help you learn how to take pictures of her that make her look good. You can do this, even at the family reunion, even when she's in her swimsuit. (In that case, for example, never, ever, ever take a picture of any normal woman in full sun in a suit.) Seriously! When I was 20-40 pounds heavier, Mr. R would relentlessly take pics of me that were unflattering so that I would be "motivated" to do something about it. What that did was just make me more convinced it was hopeless.

 

If you have gotten a "maybe" from your lady, imho, the most important thing you can do is make her confident about her ability to hold her own among other hot women.

 

And, oh, by the way, I have never, ever, ever talked to any woman about the idea who doesn't at least have sort of a passing fantasy about it.

 

Just an observation.

[Spoomonkey 421]

FI don't really talk to that many of my female companions about this, but when it does come up, by far and away the biggest resistance I hear to the idea is ladies' discomfort about their bodies.

 

Excellent advice, Mrs Ride!

 

Just to be clear, though, I am not asking about motivating a woman to swing (though this is certainly great wisdom that is very useful in this, the most significant thread in the history of history). I am talking about what it takes to help a playmate be comfort, relax and enjoy herself in a play situation - and what we, as men, can do in those situations to make things easier.

 

Thanks for the advice! Good stuff!!!

[Mrs Spoomonkey 118]

I think there are several things that make me comfortable in a play situation.

 

1. Talk to Spoo! We have so many guys that will wait till he walks away from me or I am walking around by myself to talk to me. It makes me feel like you think he is insignificant to me and/or that I’ll sneak off with you and play alone.

 

Sorry guys your not “all that”. Spoo is most important to me and if you plan to “back door” him or think I’m “that” easy you have the lifestyle all wrong…or at least you have me all wrong.

 

2. Talk to me! Seems simple enough doesn't it? We'll play pool with couples and Spoo, the wife and I will be talking and getting to know each other and the husband is like a bump on a log. Talk about anything but talk...I don't hit the sheets with someone I don't even know.

 

3. Flirt! Are you just in this for your wife to have fun? Are you not interested in me but she's interested in Spoo? That's what it feels like if you can't flirt a little. It doesn't have to be over the top and definitely not crude but something. I like when we play pool at the club because it makes this part kind of easy...trying to mess up shots etc.

 

4. Treat your wife respectfully, because I’ll notice and if you can’t treat her better than anyone in the club then why should I think you’ll care about how I feel or what I want when we get to the room!!

 

5. Don’t take yourself too seriously. I have the most fun with guys who are comfortable with themselves and not intimidated or trying to be “the best” guy in the lifestyle. In other words…we can have a fun time and some great sex but Spoo is the only one who rocks my world.

 

Our best times have been when all four of us talked to each other, flirted and could laugh at the in room mishaps. (you know those unexpected things that just happen when you are trying to get four people on beds pushed together in a tiny and sometimes very warm room and you have to laugh about them).

 

One last thing I would like to comment on is the "buying in". This is merely enjoying the moments. Ladies...know yourself! Know what you like, and what pushes your buttons. I’ve mentioned this before on the board but when we first got into the lifestyle I read “The Good Girls Guide to Bad Girl Sex”. It opened my eyes to my sexual self and increased my over all enjoyment.

 

Eat right, work out, primp (shave all your “parts” ), take relaxing baths…but, do this for you. When I am taking care of me I feel sexy and confident. I can feel it and Spoo can see it. If you don't feel sexy in your own skin then find out why. Buy sexy clothes (ones the YOU are comfortable in) not what you think your “suppose” to wear.

[widowerman 55]

Yep, women are just like a hunted house. If you lose yourself in her, she is mysterious and wonderful. Expect the unexpected with a woman, its well worth it!

 

I said it before and I’ll say it again. Learn to praise women, learn to worship women, and when all else fails, learn to use our wonderful tongues, hands and fingers to please women. Each woman should be treated like a brand new experience. No matter how many times you are with the same woman treat her like you first met and be the man we were all meant to be. Respect the woman, respect her time. It’s not how many different women you can have that this play thing is about; it’s about quality time with a woman who wants to be desired. Praise her form, she is still woman and has a lot to offer. Her body size or type is secondary to what she can offer a man.

She is the epitome of our human race. She can out last us in the game of sex; she can be warm when needed as well as rough when she wants to be.

 

If you can follow some simple clues the women will flock to you. Don’t be like the other guy, the hit and run narcissist. A seventh grader can do that. Be a man and respect and listen to the woman’s body. It gives you all the clues you need.

 

Peace out.

[gatorvol64 216]

I guess I can boil what makes me comfortable to a short list of two, maybe three, things. Mrs. Spoo already mentioned them better than I will.

 

For comfort:

1. Know who I am with. As totally unnatural as it sounds, this Vol and Gator are part of a whole.

2. Talk. Talk to me. And in the process, talk to Gator.

 

For relaxation:

3. Be comfortable with yourself.

4. And the bonus for me? If you can make me laugh just by being yourself. Not trying too hard.

[oncewere 84]

Great thread. I've learned some things too. The spoonmonkeys never fail to intrigue me. Kudos!

 

Now, a question for Mrs. Spoonmonkey and others:

 

How does a typical guy with all the social grace of a Neaderthal flirt with a woman. I know, the first step is to look at her shoes instead of his own shoes when he talks to her but what can happen after that that won't send her off laughing hysterically? Darn it. Women are scary complicated confusing things. and by the way, delightful. A haunted house was an apt aphorism.

 

This is for other guys. Of course I don't need this advice..... sure I don't.

[gandm 15]

Great question. And very well put also.

 

Being a man, I can't really provide a personal answer. But, being a man who has watched several men with my wife, I can provide a few tips.

 

1. Make sure you are comfortable when you approach my wife. I know you are nervous. I know she is sexy. I know her clothes are revealing. But if you're not comfortable speaking to my wife in a social room, she won't expect you to be comfortable in a more sexual environment. In fact, she'll expect you to be scared and boring.

 

2. Don't brag. I know you feel inadequate and bragging about who you've done, who you are, or how much you workout helps you to overcome that inadequacy. But my wife can see right through this and will expect you to be more focused on you instead of her.

 

3. Be confident, but not overconfident. Know who you are and what you have to offer. Play to your strengths. But don't feel like you already have won her over.

 

4. Show her you are focused on her. Compliment her. Listen to her. Talk about what she wants to talk about. Gracefully steer the conversation to sexual topics. She will appreciate it. Don't let the conversation go on and on about sports, kids, cars, vacations, whatever. A gentle approach in conversation, spiced with a little interesting, bold, or sexual talk will interest her and not scare her.

 

5. Ask her to dance. She doesn't always want to dance. But she will appreciate being asked.

 

6. Flirt. Everyone flirts differently. But you definitely should start out gently, then become a little more aggressive (emphasis on little). My wife appreciates comments about her outfit (do you wear that outfit to get the mail?), her hair (is it blonde or red below?), her smile (good girls show their devilish side through their smile). Once she is flirting back, you can push it a little more. Ask for a peek under her outfit. Ask about her most revealing outfit. If she's still responsive, you can ask about the kinds of activities she's into. Tell her what you like (be specific -- everyone likes oral). By now, she may start taking the lead. If not, don't ask her to go to a room. Continue to interest her slowly. Sometimes some small activities in a social area work well at this point (can I touch?).

 

In case you didn't notice, there is a very common theme through all of my tips. Be in the middle -- not too conservative, not too aggressive. Talk, listen, but make sure to guide her. Interest her by flirting and show her you will be fun and different. You won't win my wife over if you just talk about whatever she wants to talk about. She wants you to lead a little and show her a spark.

 

I hope this makes sense. I look forward to a couple of the ladies' answers. If any ladies disagree with my comments (or if they just wouldn't work for you), please interject. We can all learn something here.

[havefuninsun 122]

How to stimulate a woman's main sexual organ:

 

Editor's note: All women are different. Not all techniques will work with all women. But generally speaking, these are good tips to live by.

 

1. Women like REAL men. What the hell does THAT mean? Women like men who are confident in their skin. They exude confidence; they are not overly emotional creatures. They dress sharp but not overly obsessed with it ... they don't outwardly exhibit girl traits.

 

2. Although women sometimes want to be the boss -- and we've all met couples (probably more of the vanilla variety) where it's clear that the women wear the pants in the family -- they want a real man in bed. They want the alpha-male. When women who are with non-alpha type men daily, they will crave the alpha man to play with. Those who live with alpha males will enjoy the "power" over non-alpha males as playmates (although I just love alphas anytime ). For compatibility sake, look for singles or couples who seem to be with a man opposite of your personality type. You will turn on those women immensely.

 

3. Be interested in the woman. Compliment her, but do NOT speak about sex immediately. Although men love it when a woman comes up to him and looks him square in the eye and says "I want you NOW," most women do not go for that. If some guy walked up to me, even at a swingers club, and said, "I want to do you now," I would be turned OFF, not on. We want brain foreplay.

 

4. Flirt. That's been said -- so how do you flirt? Compliment the woman -- and look into her eyes when you do that and smile ... look sincere. Casual touches ... if she is digging you (you can tell from body language), gently touch her arm, her hair ... those touches will send sparks through her body. She will respond to your touch by touching you back ... or scooting closer to you.

 

5. Once you have engaged her mind, now you can take the next step and engage her body. A kiss to seal the deal...

 

Women like attention. Women hate attention from people they don't want attention from. This, of course, is the biggest oxymoron there is, which drives men insane. HOWEVER, if you are truly paying attention to the woman you are wooing, you will be able to tell pretty immediately if she is digging the attention or not. THAT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, MEN. Pay attention ... for those who are shocked when you go over the top and shot down, you weren't paying close enough attention.

 

Human relationships are not easy to manage, even with a "how to" manual. But I do believe you will be more successful than not if you take what the women who have responded to this thread have said ... don't read our suggestions and say "yeah, yeah, yeah" -- that will come back to bite you in the ass (and not in the way you're wishing for)...

[LOL_OMG 130]

Spoo I think your theory is spot on, chemistry and comfort. However, in my case as I assume is Standard Woman 101....comfort and chemistry is constantly changing.

 

From day to day, hour to hour and even moment to moment. Certain days I'm more flirtatious or emotional. Even within the day...I can be crabby, hungry, tired...but something can pull me into amorous oblivion.

 

All good tips, but in the end it has to be felt by the "feel-ee". What trips your trigger? For me it's ever changing.

[VanHlebar 187]

How does a typical guy with all the social grace of a Neanderthal flirt with a woman. I know, the first step is to look at her shoes instead of his own shoes when he talks to her but what can happen after that that won't send her off laughing hysterically? Darn it. Women are scary complicated confusing things. and by the way, delightful. A haunted house was an apt aphorism.

 

This is for other guys. Of course I don't need this advice..... sure I don't.

 

This question has been asked on here many time before and I get this quite frequently when I am talking with guys. And the short answer that I have is I don't know. I really feel that flirting or as I like to say "being friendly" is something you just know how to do. I guess that is one reason why I tend to get along well with most ladies is because I honestly am not attempting to flirt with them. I am just being my normal self and I am just friendly. It usually comes across as flirting, which in many cases isn't a bad thing. I would say, just relax, be yourself and typically that will take care of itself.

 

Spoo....what a fantastic theory!

[lovinher 505]

We get new experiences, we learn, and we change our reactions based on those experiences. Its constantly evolving, and shaped by our emotions and intelligence.

 

I know today I am who I am, and I will be marginally different tomorrow and the next day and the next. In 10 years I might not even recognize who I am today, and to me thats anything but scripted.

 

 

I have been active here for less than a year. My preceptions and opinions have changed dramatically. So much so that I would never guessed I would have the same attitudes and perspectives that I do do now about swinging or women for that matter. I don't want to know everything at this point and hopefully never will. When that happens whats left to explore? Isn't the surprises we encounter that make it all so interesting? I want to grow as we continued our journey. Other wise I'm just another guy who thinks he knows everything about women when in actuality he knows nothing?

[socolais 696]

I think I understand this thread within the bounds of hetero activity. The common denominator appears to be that the mighty male hunter selects his female quarry then selects or adjusts an appropriate "script" or behavior pattern in an effort to woo and entertain with some recognised measure of success. The obstacles appear as quantum indeterminacies while the prey mostly responds to his stimuli.

 

I have an exciting challenge to look forward to if this is a common mode of play. My limited observations led me to believe that the females were the hunters while the males selected which arrow to step into its path followed by a roughly equal share of giving and taking. We are each responsible for our own level of enjoyment (however we may chose to define it). Perhaps I've encountered a pride of alpha swingerettes.

[TNT 1,155]

Where the theory comes in is with the women buying into the experience. I am quite sure that it is not me who gives a woman an orgasm as much as it is her who allows herself to have one. Women can certainly block the best efforts.

 

There are two keys to this (as I see it):

 

1. Chemistry, which is unpredictable and impossible to manipulate. It is either there, sometimes in the form of visible sparks, or it is not.
    
   
2. Comfort, which is just a positive rapport that two people have that makes each able to relax and enjoy a situation.
   

 

Both can increase the other, I think. Where there is chemistry there will be more comfort. Where there is comfort, chemistry can be found.

 

“Buying in” to the experience does not mean pretending you are enjoying lame sex. Not at all! There will always be lame experiences – mostly because I can’t make ever male read this, the most important thread in the history of the written word. But, for those of us who do read it, the questions are these:

1. What can a man do to help increase your comfort level?
    
   
2. What helps you relax in a situation and “buy in”?
   

 

 

What can a man do to increases my comfort level?

 

1. Talk to me and listen to me. Realize that there is a brain attached to the body...it really is the most important sex organ there is...so mind fuck me (mind fucking does not mean talking dirty, it goes a bit deeper than that)

2. Smile at me...don't leer at me.

3. Make me laugh.

4. Treat me like a lady. I may be a proud slut but, you'll never get the chance to see that side of me unless the lady side of me is satisfied first.

5. Understand I do have a husband. I may be able to fuck who I want, when I want but unless I feel that he is comfortable with you it ain't gonna happen.

6. Don't crowd me...give me space to breath and once I've started moving closer than you can too.

7. Show an air of confidence...NOT cockiness. Nothing is sexier than a confident man. If you are confident in who you are as a person it's extremely intriguing and will make me want to get closer to you.

8. Sincere compliments...not just ones you think I want to hear but ones you truly feel, let me see the sincerity in your eyes and hear it in your voice.

9. Allow me the chance to get to know a little about you. Share a deep thought or two with me.

 

What helps me relax in a situation and "buy in" ?

 

If I'm comfortable with you, I'm relaxed so see above answers.

[TNT 1,155]

For example I like TNT's list. So, follow TNT's list when facing TNT, but don't attempt to grave it in stone and follow the same list with Susan, instead, ask Susan (or play the figuring out game) to follow Susan's list when with her.

 

 

Exactly! Every woman will be different.

 

However, if the men will read over the responses of those women who have answered the two questions that Spoo asked, you will find there are quite a few common denominators in our responses. (Strange how it's been mostly men who have answered in this thread )

[The Fuse 1,012]

A few of the more important things (for me) are:

 

* Show your love for your wife.

* Be comfortable with who you are, confident in your worth, but don't take yourself too seriously.

* Smile and laugh.

* Make it obvious that you appreciate all women, and me especially.

* Be at ease, conversational, and interested in finding out who I am. I am interested in you too.

 

[*]What helps you relax in a situation and “buy in”?

 

To "buy in" in a sexual situation, the recipe is pretty simple, with only a few key ingredients. I'm assuming the basic things are there, like desire, good hygiene, yada yada. The key ingredients are:

 

* Go slowly. Don't rush it or seem anxious.

* Remember this is about fun and pleasure. Show that you're having fun and experiencing pleasure, that you like being with me.

* Other posters have said, correctly, that all women are a little insecure about their bodies. Make it plain that you like what you see and feel.

 

... and when things get more serious in the sack, here is the most important thing:

 

* Make me feel that no matter what happens or doesn't happen, no matter what I might do, that you are happy and enjoying being with me.

 

I can't emphasize this enough. When I feel completely accepted, without conditions, without wondering if I'm taking too long to have an orgasm or if I'm doing something right or wrong, then I can really relax. And that's when things get really fun.

 

This doesn't mean I don't want feedback. I love when a man tells me what makes him feel good, and love it even more when I do what he wants and he responds. But the main thing is I want to feel "it's all good", no matter what happens.

[robsgirl 15]

Thank you for this thread...we have a few experiences under our belt and unfortunately, I feel that I have "ruined" many of them. I couldn't concentrate on letting myself have a good time because I was either too busy comparing myself to the other woman or worrying that hubby was enjoying her more. I know now that I was just blocking myself from enjoying the experiences completely. I am well built, hit upon frequently and have learned to accept and say, that yes, I am a beautiful woman, yet...when I get naked I want to grab the covers and hide a bit. When the hubby or other man (and sometimes, especially the other woman) compliment me and tell me to relax or comment on my amazing tits or legs, it makes all the difference in the world. I immediately warm up; the first two couple we were ever with just wanted to throw clothes off and get with it, no discussion what-so-ever...this just doesn't work for me. Men are very visual, but I think it's true that most women react greatly to verbal comments.

 

Thanks, again!

[Mrs Spoomonkey 118]

Exactly !!! Every woman will be different.

 

However, if the men will read over the responses of those women who have answered the two questions that Spoo asked, you will find there are quite a few common denominators in our responses. (Strange how it's been mostly men who have answered in this thread ).

 

You were right on with your post TNT much more concise then mine but exactly what I was trying to say. It is interesting that women who have posted to this have given fairly similar answers just worded differently. More interesting that not many women have posted to this...a little disappointing in fact. I was anxious to read what we all had to say. More interesting though that so many men have posted and instead of sitting back and waiting to learn something want to debate among themselves on whether or not a man can figure these questions out...or more so which one of them already thinks they know.

[lovinher 505]

More interesting though that so many men have posted and instead of sitting back and waiting to learn something want to debate among themselves on whether or not a man can figure these questions out...or more so which one of them already thinks they know.

 

You are absolutely right! So guys, how about we shut the fuck up and learn something?

[Chicup 41]

You were right on with your post TNT much more concise then mine but exactly what I was trying to say. It is interesting that women who have posted to this have given fairly similar answers just worded differently. More interesting that not many women have posted to this...a little disappointing in fact. I was anxious to read what we all had to say. More interesting though that so many men have posted and instead of sitting back and waiting to learn something want to debate among themselves on whether or not a man can figure these questions out...or more so which one of them already thinks they know.

 

Personally I didn't know it was suppose to be hard to make a woman orgasm. Once a women learns to let it happen, it doesn't seem that hard to achieve. I don't think of myself as an expert lover by any means but after you have figured it out, it seems pretty straight forward though some take more persistence than others.

 

Sometimes I think men make way to big a deal about the difficulty because we have been told that it is difficult.

[sereneiders 263]

More interesting though that so many men have posted and instead of sitting back and waiting to learn something want to debate among themselves on whether or not a man can figure these questions out...or more so which one of them already thinks they know.

 

Well, don't tell anyone, but it is a matter of misleading than competence.

 

Spoo made a hell of a question here, risking this thread to actually become THE most useful thread in the history of the Internet so far. Millions of men would come here and be able to learn to do it well... better than myself, better than many of us here.

 

Afraid of not being able to learn (as much as those millions could), we're stuffing the thread with irrelevant arguments as an attempt to bore those millions, or to confuse them, hoping they will miss the cream, while we remain keeping the leading edge for ourselves without that much of a hard work.

 

It's a lewd survivor's tactic, you know.

[Spoomonkey 421]

It's a lewd survivor's tactic, you know.

 

 

And perhaps the question was the same thing on my part

 

I've just had too much experience to think that women are "insert tab 'A' into slot 'B'" creatures. I could play with a hundred women and fail miserably with the 101st. Each one is unique - and it isn't just body differences, because sex for most women starts in the head.

 

Sure, I can learn a new oral trick or a new position (which I have since being in the lifestyle) but it seems to me far more valuable to understand that greatest of sex organs. Or at least, learn to start my foreplay where their foreplay begins

 

What I am seeing is some great guidelines that I think any swinging male can stand to learn. Some guys have this stuff down from birth. Fair enough. But some of us need a little help. This thread is for us

[jdtpcouple 32]

I know the request was for experienced ladies to respond, but seeing as not too many actually have...you may find my inexperience helpful as well (at least I hope so).

 

We have had two experiences so far. The first was a six-some with two other couples & consisted of ONLY girl-girl play & sex with the same partners.

 

Our second trip we spent the car ride discussing soft swap boundaries. We decided we'd stick to girl-girl play, but found some common ground on the swapping issues that were "optional."

 

Now that you have my entire sexual swinger history , let me attempt to answer the question:

 

#1 The Husband

1. Talk to Spoo! ... Spoo is most important to me

1. Know who I am with. As totally unnatural as it sounds, this Vol and Gator are part of a whole.

 

I pulled the two quotes that made my soul yell "yes, yes, yes" when I read them. I had no idea how much my comfort level would change with another man touching me, until my husband whispered in my ear, "Can he touch your breasts?"

 

While socializing he put my husband at ease, my husband liked him. His comfort = my comfort.

 

#2 Talking/Flirting

2. Talk to me! ...I don't hit the sheets with someone I don't even know.

I thought I was just a prude! That my overbearing religious conservative upbringing had ruined my ability to enjoy casual sex with men. What a relief!

 

3. Flirt! ... It doesn't have to be over the top and definitely not crude but something.

The other guy asked me to dance on the stripper pole at the club. I am usually very shy & would never do this on my own, but at his request and in the company of his girlfriend, I danced naked on the stripper pole.

It feels good to know that someone else finds you attractive.

 

6. Flirt. ...start out gently, then become a little more aggressive (emphasis on little). My wife appreciates comments about her outfit (do you wear that outfit to get the mail?), her hair (is it blonde or red below?), her smile (good girls show their devlish side through their smile). Once she is flirting back, you can push it a little more. Ask for a peek under her outfit. Ask about her most revealing outfit. If she's still responsive, you can ask about the kinds of activities she's into. Tell her what you like (be specific -- everyone likes oral). By now, she may start taking the lead. If not, don't ask her to go to a room. Continue to interest her slowly. Sometimes some small activities in a social area work well at this point (can I touch?).

This could be its own thread entitled "Flirting for Dummies" Thanks for the detail & examples here, I will use them when I am approaching other women myself.

Casual touches ... if she is digging you (you can tell from body language), gently touch her arm, her hair ... those touches will send sparks through her body. She will respond to your touch by touching you back ... or scooting closer to you.

If she is digging you is the key to this part, but that said, I totally agree. The non-sexual touches can send tingling to the sexual places, creating a desire for those places to be touched too.

 

#3 Laughter reduces stress

4. And the bonus for me? If you can make me laugh just by being yourself. Not trying too hard.

And if you are making my husband laugh, this helps too. The sound is infectious. The trick is letting your sense of humor show & seeing if I/we find it funny too. I even found a couple of examples here in this thread that made me laugh out loud:

 

So you are saying a woman is like a house full of scary things?

 

Ok I can see that.

 

This is for other guys. Of course I don't need this advice..... sure I don't.

 

Women like attention. Women hate attention from people they don't want attention from.

 

Hahahahaha, being confident while still having the ability to poke fun at yourself is funny to me. Silly and off the wall, I especially like when it crosses the line of political correctness. But sense of humor is an individual trait so let yours show & watch for her reaction. I tend to laugh at things most other women would be offended by.

 

Well I hope that my simple reiteration of what was already said helped gentlemen. As I get more swinger experience under my belt (so to speak) I'll share then too.

[Pepper & Drew 384]

What can a man do to help increase your comfort level?

What helps you relax in a situation and “buy in”?

 

Well, maybe I'm seeing this from a different perspective, but there's not really anything that a man can do to increase my comfort level or relax in a situation. If I'm not comfy, I'm not going to get comfy regardless of your flirting, or saying nice things, or talking to Drew. I think what makes me relax and buy in is dealing with people who are relaxed and have "bought in" . That's what makes things fun. Trying too hard, or reading too much into things increases my discomfort and makes it more likely that I'll find comfort: by getting away from you.

 

Our bad experiences have been because people have been not comfortable in the situation for whatever reason, and you could feel the awkwardness. Or, they tried to mask their uncomfortableness with alcohol. Or, either I wasn't that into it or he wasn't that into it. Only spark plugs can generate a spark where there was none before. In any event, there was not list of things that they could have done to make it better. My advice is to be you. Talkative or quiet, funny or serious, flirter or standoffish, I'm more comfortable with you being you, and I'll continue to be me--and I'm always comfortable with me. Then, I'm sure it'll be a good time. It's when you vary from that when you end up with lame-o experiences.

[SirDavidandhalo 15]

Ok I agree with most of what has been posted. Grant you I have not read every post. Simply not enough time in my life let alone day....very active thread! So if this has already been addressed I apologize. I am speaking from the point of view of a larger woman. I may not be perfect but, ya know what, I like me and so does my husband. If you don't that is fine, just move on. Do NOT however, assume that I am desperate for you to fuck me and that doing so is being nice to me. If you do not like what I look and feel like I will notice and will therefore not enjoy it. I have great sex with my husband. Why in the world would I want bad sex with you? Once you have decided that you like what I look like then take the time to let me know. Talk to me, laugh with me, compliment me. Only then will I want to have sex with you. Once in the bedroom, touch me....all over...I have more parts to my body than my nipples and my clit. Pay attention to them all. I guarantee that you will have the best time of your life if you make me feel like that is what you are looking for.

[Mrs Spoomonkey 118]

Personally I didn't know it was suppose to be hard to make a woman orgasm. Once a women learns to let it happen, it doesn't seem that hard to achieve. I don't think of myself as an expert lover by any means but after you have figured it out, it seems pretty straight forward though some take more persistence than others.

 

Sometimes I think men make way to big a deal about the difficulty because we have been told that its difficult.

 

Okay, since you know how to give a woman an orgasm the question of the thread is this...how to you make a woman comfortable enough with you that she'll want to go to a room with you and let you give her one? You can't give a woman an orgasm unless she wants you to and lets you (and is comfortable enough to let herself).

[Mrs Spoomonkey 118]

I know the request was for experienced ladies to respond, but seeing as not too many actually have...you may find my inexperience helpful as well (at least I hope so).

 

 

Well I hope that my simple reiteration of what was already said helped gentlemen. As I get more swinger experience under my belt (so to speak) I'll share then too.

 

jdtpcouple...don't think that inexperience prevents you from posting your thoughts and opinions here or on any thread. I found what you had to say of value. It's always good to hear the same thought put another way or just to know that you are not alone in your thinking.

[Spoomonkey 421]

Trying too hard, or reading too much into things increases my discomfort and makes it more likely that I'll find comfort: by getting away from you.

 

I don't think that this is really about being insincere or learning tricks. I would assume that people would start with being themselves.

 

The question really is what makes a woman comfortable - and I think this thread has really helped. For example, the advice about talking to the husbands... A new person to the lifestyle might not make that connection. His experience might simply be from vanilla bars where flirting with the woman is what you do. Swinging is different - this gives him an idea of just how different.

 

There are things men do to make you comfortable (be themselves) just like there are things that make you uncomfortable (trying to hard). That adds to the conversation

 

I think, though, that the unspoken rule to all of this advice is that taking this advice and turning them into tricks is going to be sniffed out pretty quickly - and insincerity is pretty damn ugly. I know that Mrs Spoo can smell a fake the way I can smell dog crap on my shoe.

 

Anyone who knows me knows that I am pretty much myself - for better or worse. But, I am also sometimes socially awkward. If I am simply my socially awkward self, you may never know that I find you attractive and would be interested in knowing more about you. I'm going to be myself, that is easy - but this stuff certainly helps me to understand others, which is anything but simple.

[ownerspet 506]

This could be its own thread entitled "Flirting for Dummies"

 

To a quiet guy (around crowds/groups at least), such as myself, that might be interesting. I know some of the "Nashville, TN Meetup" participants may not buy into me being a quiet guy. However, I'm not usually that boisterous.

 

Anyway, I have read through this entire thread, and I find that it has been very mind opening.

 

However, although all women are different, some of the underlying themes of the advice here have been of the what I refer to as the "well duh" factor in life (talking to a female, flirting with a female, talking to her husband/spouse/boyfriend), there are probably others out there. I'd love to read more from the women.

 

Ladies that have contributed, Thank you very much....

 

To the ladies inexperienced and experienced that have not responded, please feel free to further enlighten us guys

[Chicup 41]

jdtpcouple...don't think that inexperience prevents you from posting your thoughts and opinions here or on any thread. I found what you had to say of value. It's always good to hear the same thought put another way or just to know that you are not alone in your thinking.

 

Mrs Spoomonkey

 

Honestly it always seems to be pre-determined from 'hello'.

 

I know its going to happen or not normally before we have spent the usual time 'getting to know' each other.

 

I'd be a lot more interested if women could recall when an initial reaction was 'no' and it turned into a 'yes' that same night.

[Spoomonkey 421]

Honestly it always seems to be pre-determined from 'hello'.

 

Interesting.

 

That hasn't been our experience. Typically, Mrs Spoo needs to warm up to someone - and those "sparks at first sight" experiences are rather rare. They are cool when they happen, but rare.

 

As for a woman who started at "no" and wound up at "yes" in the same night, I am married to one. Most recently because the husband and I hit it off so well. He was outside of her "preferred" profile, but by the end of the night, she made the decision that maybe we should proceed. She had time to see that while he didn't fit what she was looking for - he was a great guy who was quite fun to talk to.

 

That actually shocked me because she had told me earlier that she wasn't interested - so I had written it off.

 

If women are out there making snap decisions to have sex or not, could we please come up with some sort of signal? It'd sure make my night a hell of a lot easier (though I suspect, a lot less fun for everyone )

[Mrs Spoomonkey 118]

However, although all women are different, some of the underlying themes of the advice here have been of the what I refer to as the "well duh" factor in life (talking to a female, flirting with a female, talking to her husband/spouse/boyfriend), there are probably others out there. I'd love to read more from the women.

 

Excellent post...your right it does seem to be a bit of a "well duh" but for some reason I have found in the lifestyle it doesn't seem to apply. I have found that a lot of guys think it is just a given that you are there for sex and you should be ready to head to a room. Or worse they'll get the one part right (talking to Spoo) and assume that he will just tell me we are heading to a room as if I have no say so in the matter.

[Chicup 41]

Interesting.

 

That hasn't been our experience. Typically, Mrs Spoo needs to warm up to someone - and those "sparks at first sight" experiences are rather rare. They are cool when they happen, but rare.

 

As for a woman who started at "no" and wound up at "yes" in the same night, I am married to one. Most recently because the husband and I hit it off so well. He was outside of her "preferred" profile, but by the end of the night, she made the decision that maybe we should proceed. She had time to see that while he didn't fit what she was looking for - he was a great guy who was quite fun to talk to.

 

That actually shocked me because she had told me earlier that she wasn't interested - so I had written it off.

 

If women are out there making snap decisions to have sex or not, could we please come up with some sort of signal? It'd sure make my night a hell of a lot easier (though I suspect, a lot less fun for everyone )

 

Spoomonkey

 

My thoughts are that for the most part in swinging, the mental 'yes or no' is already there prior to really interacting.

 

A guy will have a very hard time making a sale if her initial reaction is no, but can can easily blow it if the initial reaction is yes.

[TNT 1,155]

My thoughts are that for the most part in swinging, the mental 'yes or no' is already there prior to really interacting.

 

Sometimes there's a "maybe" .

 

A guy will have a very hard time making a sale if her initial reaction is no, but can can easily blow it if the initial reaction is yes.

 

Then look at the suggestions given as a way to increase the chance of not blowing it.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

What can a man do to increases my comfort level?

 

1. Talk to me and listen to me. Realize that there is a brain attached to the body...it really is the most important sex organ there is...so mind fuck me (mind fucking does not mean talking dirty, it goes a bit deeper than that)

2. Smile at me...don't leer at me.

3. Make me laugh.

4. Treat me like a lady. I may be a proud slut but, you'll never get the chance to see that side of me unless the lady side of me is satisfied first.

5. Understand I do have a husband. I may be able to fuck who I want, when I want but unless I feel that he is comfortable with you it ain't gonna happen.

6. Don't crowd me...give me space to breath and once I've started moving closer than you can too.

7. Show an air of confidence...NOT cockiness. Nothing is sexier than a confident man. If you are confident in who you are as a person it's extremely intriguing and will make me want to get closer to you.

8. Sincere compliments...not just ones you think I want to hear but ones you truly feel, let me see the sincerity in your eyes and hear it in your voice.

9. Allow me the chance to get to know a little about you. Share a deep thought or two with me.

 

What helps me relax in a situation and "buy in" ?

 

If I'm comfortable with you, I'm relaxed so see above answers.

 

hi everyone, mr.fun asked me to give my thoughts on this thread and we talked about this for a few days from time to time. A lot of what Teresa says covers my feelings about the possible playmates i may want to (buy into) yeah that phrase is definitely a guy thing, I swear you guys are definitely a lot alike (mr.fun/spoomonkey) primitive yet sweet .

 

Ya know, there are times when I might have that chemistry for a playmate, but it would be very important to get mr.fun's opinion on his character, and he can sometimes convey what I may miss, and vise versa.

 

We see a lot of times that mostly (men) and a few women also, sometimes are asking things like " so, what do you like,what do you expect?) and then play the part to fit the role in hopes of getting laid. without being themselves.

 

I/we just like people to be themselves first, good or awkward.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

My thoughts are that for the most part in swinging, the mental 'yes or no' is already there prior to really interacting.

 

A guy will have a very hard time making a sale if her initial reaction is no, but can can easily blow it if the initial reaction is yes.

 

Can't agree with you on this, we had dinner once with a couple that honestly, I was probably not going to do anything with this guy. The dinner was great, conversation was great, we went to their house for a drink and more conversation. Mr. Fun caught my feelings of not tonight.

 

However, the next day I wanted to chase this couple down and well, you can imagine.. Sometimes my no changes into yes. I can do that

[Chicup 41]

Can't agree with you on this, we had dinner once with a couple that honestly, I was probably not going to do anything with this guy. The dinner was great, conversation was great, we went to their house for a drink and more conversation. Mr. Fun caught my feelings of not tonight.

 

However, the next day I wanted to chase this couple down and well, you can imagine.. Sometimes my no changes into yes. I can do that

 

Anything can happen, but its the frequency that matters, even spoo here said...

 

That actually shocked me because she had told me earlier that she wasn't interested - so I had written it off.

 

If it happened often, he wouldn't have been shocked.

 

I'd say it is more notable for its infrequency.

[lovinher 505]

The only advice I'm qualified to give here is...leave your baggage at home!.

 

If your mind is elsewhere it will be obvious and interpreted as either being disinterested, that you have swinging issues or you are not much fun to be with. If you can't do that at the time then do her a favor and wait until you can be yourself.

 

You can't expect a woman to be comfortable with you and "buy in" unless you can give her the full attention she deserves. This is not something you can fake.

 

Another "duh" comment I know. But if it happened to me I'm sure somebody else has made the same mistake.

[Spoomonkey 421]

If it happened often, he wouldn't have been shocked.

 

I'd say it is more notable for its infrequency.

 

Actually, I simply don't push my wife or have any expectations. If she says "no", I assume it is "no" - until she changes her mind. Granted, it more often stays "no", but her mind has changed before. My point being, the guys who were able to change her mind followed, not surprisingly, many of the tidbits of advice given in this thread.

 

I wouldn't say it is noticeable for its infrequency. Rather, it is noticeable because it is a good illustration of the point at hand. And to be honest MOST of the time, we start out with "I'm not sure yet."

 

Simply put, men can learn to do things differently which may help them become more successful in the lifestyle. For example, if a man is an asshole, he is likely going to be more successful by not being one. Not manipulation or a trick, really. Just a simple attitude adjustment.

 

And, since the ones who change their minds are stating, by and large, that it does happen - I am thinking we might be on to something