Performance anxiety fear?

[jnhinsd 15]

We have been swinging for almost 2 years now...but the problem is it has only been MFM 3-somes...we did have 1 full swap with a couple which brings me to the point of this post. I was unable to get an erection...don't get me wrong, I was turned on and I enjoyed everything I saw but for the life of me I couldn't get it up.

 

Here is my issue with this. To this day I have been unable to actually go through with any plans with other couples because of my FEAR...I just can't seem to get myself to do it...I AM SCARED.

 

Any good advice?

[BradAndJanet 70]

Try again, but don't put yourself under the pressure to perform. If you tried a little same room sex, or soft swapping during the next encounter, it might go better for you. The idea is to plan on not having intercourse with anyone but your own spouse.

 

I'll bet that will do the trick and as you get accustomed to that, the rest will follow.

[Tybee Swing 286]

I think that BradandJanet's advice was perfect.

 

I'd keep the focus off your fear, too. Don't tell other couples why you're a soft-swap couple other than just that you're new with couples and you want to start slow. That's all they need to know. Giving them TMI right away could make you feel more pressured with them.

[ShellyM 0]

Number one OP,

 

I COMMEND you for being honest and searching yourself to find out what is going on. Number two, do NOT feel bad at all. You are not the only man dealing with this issue. I absolutely agree with the 2nd post. You need to relax. The more you think about it the more you are going to stay nervous. I do know that some gentlemen go to their doctors and get assistance in forms such as Viagra and Cialis. I am not an R.N. or a Dr., all I can tell you about that is please do not buy it over the internet. You need to go through your Dr. because they are the ones that know your medical history and whether or not its a safe option for you. Jay asked his Dr. about V in December and was told no because he was having issues with his hypertension at that time. So please go through your Dr.

 

Now, you probably just need to relax........I KNOW, easy for me to say, right!!

 

I think one option that would do well for you is this: You get nervous at the thought of having sex with a new woman. You need to find a couple or a few couples that you see on a regular basis....this way you can relax around her and feel comfortable. And please remember that you have NOTHING to be ashamed about. Feel free to tell a lady that you are feeling nervous. Have FUN. Remember to have FUN!! You will do great. Sorry so long,

 

Shelly

[MrsPandMe 150]

Mr. P here.

 

Advice here has been spot on. The Mrs and I have had a few encounters, and even though we consider ourselves seasoned enough to be over the "sensory over stimulation" portion of the lifestyle, I still occasionally run into this. I would submit that a majority of men who are in this lifestyle have run into a situation where not all parts were cooperating with the master plan of the evening. Hell, happened to me last night!

 

A few things will help you though this. Keep at it! Once your mind sorts it all out and can settle down, your dick will follow. It's a lot like trying to talk a cat out of a tree... It takes time and patience!

 

Don't let past performance define future expectations. If you get hard enough to cut diamonds with the wifey, then you know that from a physiological standpoint you're good to go. Just relax and go with the flow. If your man shows up to party, great! If not, fall back on that mindblowing oral you've been learning! If you can relax and concentrate on getting her off, sometimes it's just the distraction you need to get your mind off the problem! If not, again. So be it!

 

If you're with a couple you feel uncomfortable with or in a situation you're uncomfortable with don't expect miracles, correct the problem. If you're distracted by your wife and the other guy having all the fun, propose a switch! She knows your buttons better then the other F, especially since you just met her an hour ago! If you're with a couple that can't respect that, you're with the wrong couple.

 

This one is nearly impossible, I know, but it bears mentioning. Don't get too concerned about what she's thinking about your problem. You're the man, not your dick! If she's playing with you and it ain't happening, time to turn the tables and get her squirming!

 

Beyond all of that, just relax and do what feels right and comfortable. The rest will follow suit when it's good and ready to!

[Tybee Swing 286]

Wow Mr. P, that's one of the best posts on this topic I've ever read on this board. It's so common for so many men in the lifestyle...I'm sure your post will help a lot of guys.

 

Question for you...

 

The Mrs and I have had a few encounters, and even though we consider ourselves seasoned enough to be over the "sensory over stimulation" portion of the lifestyle, I still occasionally run into this.

 

Can you explain exactly what is going on when a man is experiencing "sensory over stimulation"? As a woman in the lifestyle who has run into a fair share of jittery men with performance anxieties, I'd like to understand this better. Please explain the whole sensory thing to me. Thanks!

[jnhinsd 15]

The whole situation was bad for me,  because it was our 1st time for a lot of things. It did start out with just us together before we switched, but I couldn't even get it hard with my wife. Both of them even tag-teamed me while giving me head and nothing. They also played with each other too. It was bad. I ended up just going down on the girl and she did say she enjoyed that. I just felt so alone at that point that on the way home all I did was stare out the window, and ever since I haven't been able to get over the fear of a sequel that I have purposely flaked out on every single couple that has requested to play with us...depressing

[Tybee Swing 286]

jnhinsd said:

I have purposely flaked out on every single couple that has requested to play with us...depressing

 

Does your wife know this is why you're flaking out? Does she know how upset you are about this? What does she say?

 

What do you think of the idea of going strictly soft-swing...would that take the pressure off of you enough to get your confidence back?

[WonderWhat 166]

You might want to take a look at an old thread: Help! Problems "rising" to the occasion...

 

In a nutshell: don't worry, it happens. Just have a good time and use your imagination. When it happens to me, I'm up-front about it, and just go on giving pleasure and receiving it with a smile. If Viagra, Levitra or Cialis works for you, that can also help.

[jnhinsd 15]

She does know about it.

[ShellyM 0]

I'm sorry that you have gone through this! I don't know what to tell you that will help you relax. Number one, women who have been in the lifestyle for awhile should not freak out or become angry or upset if this happens if you are honest from the beginning and satisfy her in other ways. But it sounds like this is a mental issue....like your manhood and confidence have been hit. One thing that I would suggest would be to try soft. Have sex with your wife around another couple. Also, I still say that getting to know a couple well would do you wonders. Go to dinner with them, maybe just go to a bar once or twice (of course, if this is a couple that is cool with that) just to get to know each other. I think if you could get to know her to the point of relaxing you would do great. And there are TONS of men that are like this, you are NOT alone! Lots of men do not perform on the first play date. Shelly

[lovinher 505]

Can you explain exactly what is going on when a man is experiencing "sensory over stimulation"? As a woman in the lifestyle who has run into a fair share of jittery men with performance anxieties, I'd like to understand this better. Please explain the whole sensory thing to me. Thanks!

 

All guys know what they have to do but there is a huge problem. It is impossible not think about something that you have to try not to think about.

[Tybee Swing 286]

All guys know what they have to do but there is a huge problem. It is impossible not think about something that you have to try not to think about.

 

Thanks for replying, but I don't understand the meaning of your answer at all. What has this got to do with "sensory over stimulation"?

[BradAndJanet 70]

Tybee Swing said:

Thanks for replying, but I don't understand the meaning of your answer at all. What has this got to do with "sensory over stimulation"?

 

I think what Tybee's trying to say is simply that the more you try not thinking about something, the more you end up thinking about it.

[ShellyM 0]

No, what Tybee is asking is this: As women who have been with men with this issue, its easier to be kind if we understand what a man is experiencing. If I can understand what you are feeling its easier for me not to become frustrated. So what we want to know is what exactly is a man feeling or thinking when you say he is having sensory overload? I mean, is he thinking about himself physically, her, the other husband, his wife? I know personally I am just curious as to what exactly he is thinking. I'm analytical in nature and so it helps me to know what exactly is going on.

 

Shelly

[Tybee Swing 286]

Hi Brad, I understood that part (like telling someone to not think about pink elephants, and then it's all you can think about). However, in swing settings, everyone is thinking about sex from the time they get there. At least, it's in the back of their minds, and it's in front of their eyes. This doesn't tend to stress people out, in and of itself. Seeing or thinking about sex doesn't have to be over stimulating.

 

I don't see how this relates to that earlier post from Mr.P about what "sensory over stimulation" is all about. Does this mean that the whole scene is just too much for them? They can't deal with all this sexuality and all the hotness in the room and are over stimulated, as a result? Does being over stimulated mean that they are too excited to perform? Does this mean they'd be better off in settings that aren't so....stimulating?

 

If getting into a room with another couple is over stimulating, how in the world will they be able to swing?

[BradAndJanet 70]

Tybee Swing said:

Hi Brad, I understood that part (like telling someone to not think about pink elephants, and then it's all you can think about). However, in swing settings, everyone is thinking about sex from the time they get there. At least, it's in the back of their minds, and it's in front of their eyes. This doesn't tend to stress people out, in and of itself. Seeing or thinking about sex doesn't have to be over stimulating.

 

I don't see how this relates to that earlier post from Mr.P about what "sensory over stimulation" is all about. Does this mean that the whole scene is just too much for them? They can't deal with all this sexuality and all the hotness in the room and are over stimulated, as a result? Does being over stimulated mean that they are too excited to perform? Does this mean they'd be better off in settings that aren't so....stimulating?

 

If getting into a room with another couple is over stimulating, how in the world will they be able to swing?

 

Oops, what I should have said is "What lovinher is trying to say..." Got the wrong name there, sorry. Now I'll be thinking of pink elephants all day.

 

Good questions, but I'm afraid I don't have any real answers. I suppose it could be that some guys, especially when new to swinging, are feeling a lot of nervous pressure to perform with all that sexual energy around them (in other words, everybody else is 'doin' it', so I'd better be up for it too),but I can't say it's happened to me, so I really don't know.

[lovinher 505]

Tybee Swing said:

Thanks for replying, but I don't understand the meaning of your answer at all. What has this got to do with "sensory over stimulation"?

 

Sensory over stimulation. I'm not sure what that means actually. So not a thing apparently, sorry. At least not how you intended the question.

I knew what I meant.

 

Let's say a guy's buddy isn't cooperating for whatever reason. Goddamn it! Who the fuck said PINK ELEPHANTS? It snowballs from there. He can be as turned on as ever but we all know the mind controls his buddy and sometimes it's the other way around. But if one is off, they both are. That is a sensory meltdown between him and his buddy. In a swinging situation, especially after reading HERE that it happens all the time I can easily see that happening.

 

jnhinsd, you already know you have to relax about it. If you read through the threads you will see there is nothing wrong with you. What works for you is anybodies guess. The advice given by the others is as good as it gets.

 

If you don't try though you will never get over it. That seems to be your main issue here. I used to be scared to death of heights. Then I got a job servicing billboards and the next thing you know I'm dangling 300 feet in the air from a 1/4" cable. I got over my fear real quick.

 

Ya know, I never really thought about this until I came to this board.

 

Pink elephants?

I'm screwed.

[MrsPandMe 150]

Tybee Swing said:

Can you explain exactly what is going on when a man is experiencing "sensory over stimulation"? As a woman in the lifestyle who has run into a fair share of jittery men with performance anxieties, I'd like to understand this better. Please explain the whole sensory thing to me. Thanks!

 

Hehe.. Sorry took me so long to get back to this thread..

 

Okay, here's what I was thinking with the "overstimulation" statement.

 

You're a guy who REALLY gets hot watching let's say two girls and a guy go at it in a porn. So now you go on fantasizing about it. Thing is, it's in your mind.. It's YOUR imagination, so you're controlling the action. It's hot. You get hard enough to bend pipe. You're good to go! This is gonna be awesome when it actually happens!

 

So now, you're in the situation, and suddenly there it is in all its fleshy puppy pile goodness! Now your brain starts to attempt to process this:

 

Do they want me in there?

 

Is this really okay for me to touch her there?

 

What if she doesn't like me touching her?

 

What's my wife thinking?

 

Man, it's hot in here... I'm sweating my ass off!

 

That guy's really having a great time... He can drive nails with that thing!

 

And speaking of cock, what the F*** is wrong with mine?! C'mon dude, lock and load already!

 

Wonder if they're put off cuz I can't get it up... God this is embarrassing!

 

...And now you've given your brain WAAAAAY more to sort through then the simple "I'm the MAN" thoughts you had when you were thinking of this in the controlled environment of your mind. Now, you and I both know that none of those are really real factors that are beyond any possible control, but when you first see it, the primal male machismo takes over and starts subconsciously sabotaging your higher sexual brain functions. "I've got game" says your higher brain function... "That guy walking around poking everyone with the perpetual hard-on is the Alpha dog" says your unconscious primal brain.

 

Guess which one easily short circuits the other! This is why I think it's never a good idea to use your first few experiences as an indicator of how your swinging experience will go. Once you get comfortable and things start to work in man-land, now you've got the confidence that you can indeed perform and it just gets easier from there.