Are we making the seasoned couples angry because we aren't swinging yet?

[TNTCouple 15]

hubby and I have been in the lifestyle for about 3 months, but not actually in the lifestyle, if that makes sense. We found an awesome on-premises club and have become friends with the owner and his g/f and have been welcomed into their little inner circle where we get invited to do stuff with them outside the official parties. We're fun and (I'll just say it) attractive, IMHO. I would never just blurt that out if I didn't think it factored in.

 

Anyway, when we were in the talking-about-it stage, I was so into the swapping factor. Now that we're actually around it and I get approached all the time, I've backed off. It actually freaks me out now. I'm really turned off by the aggressive ones especially. I have no problem with jealousy and it has never been an issue with me or him. We've been together for 16 years (married for 13 years) and have a rock-solid bond and a very satisfying sexual relationship. There's absolutely no pressure from him, especially since it was my idea.

 

Now for the question: Are we (well, I) making the seasoned couples angry? I love to flirt and dance sexy and kiss. Most everyone knows I'm just not close to being ready for the deed. I'm not even comfortable enough to soft swap. I'm wondering if I ever will be. We've been to the common room to hook up with each other but then suddenly I get self-conscious. When I start getting smiles and those "come over here" looks. Could it be in my imagination? Is there some sort of term for people like me? I love to be around it and the people and want to keep going but eventually will I overstay my welcome? Most everyone's cool and understanding and respects where I'm coming from because I let them know up front. But are they just being nice and are secretly thinking otherwise?

 

I'm sure this question has been asked before but I did a search and couldn't find anything to solidly answer my question.

[socolais 696]

A very interesting question!! I've silently wondered how far we're taxing other people's tolerance - sometimes it's difficult to know until the straw breaks the camel's back. The vibes I get from other folks leads me to believe as long as we're upfront with our preferences and remain reasonably calm with the events (don't freak out), any friendship that develops is based on who we are and not what we'll do in bed. Some folks just want to have a good time and when the sex happens, that's cool too.

 

I guess the secret is communication.

[good times 991]

This is an interesting question because it touches on something we have run into lately.

 

The problem is that our local clubs have been overrun in the last year or so by what we call non-swingers, those are people who like the sexually charged atmosphere of the swingers club, but have no interest in playing with anyone else. The result of this is that the swingers who like to play with others have now stopped attending the clubs regularly.

 

So to answer your question, while we don't hold it against anyone personally and have even made some good friends with these people that are non-swingers, I have to admit that, yes, it is becoming very discouraging to us. Even to the point that we will meet someone and while smiling on the outside, be thinking, "oh no, not another one" on the inside. We have even gone so far as starting discussions with some of our swinger friends about starting a monthly party with the only requirement being, that you actually must agree to play with others to be invited. The fact is, that due to this problem the local swingers clubs do not have very many actual swingers that attend any more. We don't expect to play every time we go to a club, but when we pay our money we do expect to find other like minded couples there that we might have the possibility to play with. Recently, more often than not, that hasn't been the case, and for an evening out for non-swinging entertainment, a swingers club is usually not a very good value.

[Tia Vampire 167]

We started out this way too. You guys have only been in the life-style for three months, so you guys are probably still looking for a couple that you are both attracted to and feel comfortable with. Give your selves time and don't sweat not being very active right now. Believe me, in another three months or so after your in the life- style a little longer and find out the do's and dont's, you guys will feel more comfortable and become more open to others.

[sexcupid 809]

The hanging out part is nice and it helps you make friends. However, even the first time we went to the club we went to play...with each other.

 

It was kind of a slow night, we didn't know what to expect. Was it going to be like a feeding frenzy b/c there's meat in the water? Would we sit by ourselves all night b/c everyone knew we were new and didn't want to deal with that? Well, we did get to know a few people...and we tried out the playrooms. Oh yes. We had a good time, even if we didn't swap with anyone that first time.

 

Have you considered just doing same room sex. (For me, and most others, soft swap is allowing others to touch and get oral, but penetration just from your SO.) Just go to the play room and have a good time with each other. No one else touching you or anything, just enjoying your hubby or boyfriend. That way you get a little comfortable with being naked/having sex with others around...but you aren't specifically feeling pressure to play with others per se.

 

Or maybe you could try a nudist beach to get comfortable being naked in a more public setting? For most nudists, being naked isn't necessarily a sexual thing it's just natural. So maybe trying the naked in public in a non-sexually charged context would work better?

 

We haven't been doing this long enough, but apparently there used to be a few known 'swinger' hangouts...but too many vultures (usually single men) would come on the nights the groups were there for meet n greets and eventually the groups moved else where. I think that's sort of the thing that GT is hitting on above. The club is full of couples, but if there is an over abundance of people there that are just there for the 'open' atmosphere or looking to get a peep show, without the intent of ever playing...some of those couples may be better suited to getting their peep show at a strip club and going home to work off the built up sexual tension anyway.

 

Just some ideas.

 

Good luck,

Maria

[WesternSwing 504]

We know several couples who attend the parties and go to clubs, but never actually swap. Does it bother us? No. To each their own. When we are in vanilla setting with these couples we are just all great friends. But if we are in the mood to swap we don't spend a whole lot of time during the evening with the non-swap couples, but instead concentrate our attentions on those we know are potential playmates. We don't want to seem rude to the non-swap couples, but if we are there to play and there is no chance of that happening with them, then we go where there is opportunity.

 

Mr. WS

[TNTCouple 15]

The vibes I get from other folks leads me to believe as long as we're upfront with our preferences and remain reasonably calm with the events (don't freak out), any friendship that develops is based on who we are and not what we'll do in bed. Some folks just want to have a good time and when the sex happens, that's cool too.

 

I feel like our new friendships with the owner and their friends is what your reply is all about. They make me feel like what I'm going through is okay. They're all levels of swingers so it's nice to have such a mixture of personalities around me. I feel lucky to have been so welcomed by them.

 

So to answer your question, while we don't hold it against anyone personally and have even made some good friends with these people that are non-swingers, I have to admit that, yes, it is becoming very discouraging to us. Even to the point that we will meet someone and while smiling on the outside, be thinking, "oh no, not another one" on the inside.

 

uh-huh...just as I suspected. Thanks for confirming that.

 

The fact is, that due to this problem the local swingers clubs do not have very many actual swingers that attend any more.

 

Wow! I can understand your frustration. I don't want to be labled as the couple who goes to the swingers clubs but won't swing. I don't mind being labled the picky swinger though. I don't fully understand why I get all guarded once I feel pressure. I guess in life I'm like that too. I have my own comfort timetable, which might not sit well with some. I guess I just have to expect it.

 

We started out this way too. You guys have only been in the life-style for three months, so you guys are probably still looking for a couple that you are both attracted to and feel comfortable with. Give your selves time and don't sweat not being very active right now. Believe me, in another three months or so after your in the life- style a little longer and find out the do's and dont's, you guys will feel more comfortable and become more open to others.

 

Thanks so much for saying that. I understand it takes time for some people. I don't think we'll be nonswingers forever but no one's been able to get my juices flowing enough for me to throw caution to the wind. Although I have to say I've come closer than usual with one particular guy, who also happens to be in the circle of friends we hang with. He's never made a move but I know there's some interest on his end too.

 

Time will tell.

[TNTCouple 15]

Have you considered just doing same room sex. (For me, and most others, soft swap is allowing others to touch and get oral, but penetration just from your SO.) Just go to the play room and have a good time with each other. No one else touching you or anything, just enjoying your hubby or boyfriend. That way you get a little comfortable with being naked/having sex with others around...but you aren't specifically feeling pressure to play with others per se.

 

Definately an option. But I get really self-conscious at others watching me. I'm not an exhibitionist. I need to desensitize or something which brings us to your next comment...

 

Or maybe you could try a nudist beach to get comfortable being naked in a more public setting? For most nudists, being naked isn't necessarily a sexual thing it's just natural. So maybe trying the naked in public in a non-sexually charged context would work better?

 

I never even considered this. I'm definately more comfortable when it's just the group of friends over at each other's house. We play strip poker or strip pool so getting naked in front of them isn't too big of a deal for me anymore like it was in the beginning. It's just we usually leave before the heat really gets turned up. I'm just not ready. They don't seem to mind though because they keep including us. We do have a ton of fun together.

[sexcupid 809]

Definately an option. But I get really self-conscious at others watching me. I'm not an exhibitionist. I need to desensitize or something which brings us to your next comment...

 

I never even considered this. I'm definately more comfortable when it's just the group of friends over at each other's house. We play strip poker or strip pool so getting naked in front of them isn't too big of a deal for me anymore like it was in the beginning. It's just we usually leave before the heat really gets turned up. I'm just not ready. They don't seem to mind though because they keep including us. We do have a ton of fun together.

 

 

It's good that they keep including you, just keep at your comfort level.

 

The club you go to, are there private play areas (not just one big common room)? Maybe try having sex in one of those first. The club we normally go to has a few of them, but they are on the same hallway as the common room. So you can kind of get used to having 'traffic' coming by, without necessarily being exposed.

 

We went usually go do naked time at the lake or beach a few times a year. It can be a real ego boost (where we go there are definitely more guys than girls, but most of them are very polite and don't do what I would call a blatant ogle, discreet glances at best) and it really is a no pressure situation. While nudism doesn't necessarily lead to swinging, it can help you get more comfortable in nothing more than your own skin (and like going to the club and not playing to see if you like it...you can keep your clothes on...as I tell one of my friends 'clothing optional means you have the option to leave them on!'...so she will go with us now and then, she never gets naked, but is ok that we do).

 

Good luck

 

 

Maria

[mrs good times 73]

I understand it takes time for some people. I don't think we'll be nonswingers forever but no one's been able to get my juices flowing enough for me to throw caution to the wind. Although I have to say I've come closer than usual with one particular guy, who also happens to be in the circle of friends we hang with. He's never made a move but I know there's some interest on his end too.

 

Time will tell.

 

After reading this statement I wanted to clarify what Mr. GT was referring to. New swingers are a totally different issue than the, "I just like the atmosphere crowd."

 

We were all new to swinging once and we understand that everyone needs to go at their own pace. We are fine with that as long as we know up front. Just last weekend we spent the evening with a new couple just playing pool and talking about swinging. We had a great time.

 

The problem we have here are the couples that come to the club knowing that they have no intention of ever swinging, they just like the atmosphere or they just like to watch. The number of these types of couples as been increasing and has become a source of frustration for those of us that go to a swingers party to meet actual swingers.

 

As Western Swing said, they just move on to find the actual swingers, as do we, but sometimes even that is a problem. Some of these non-swingers have become friends over time and they do not understand that while we enjoy going out to dinner or doing vanilla things with them we do not plan on sitting with them the entire night at a swing club. We are there to meet swingers!

 

To give you an idea of how bad this problem is in our area we've been keeping track. On the last three occasions that we have been to one of our local clubs less than 20% of the people there were couples looking for couples full swap. Granted, we do not live in an area with clubs that have 200 attendees a night but when you have 30 couples at a party and only 6 are full swap couples it can be rather annoying.

 

So, I think you should continue to go to the club and in time you will know if this is your cup of tea or not.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

I understand it takes time for some people. I don't think we'll be nonswingers forever but no one's been able to get my juices flowing enough for me to throw caution to the wind. Although I have to say I've come closer than usual with one particular guy, who also happens to be in the circle of friends we hang with. He's never made a move but I know there's some interest on his end too.

 

Time will tell.

I read through this thread rather quickly, so I may be mentioning something you've already tried.

 

Have you had any private meets with one couple for dinner or drinks at a public place that isn't a swinger club/social spot? Someplace at night where the atmosphere is comfortable and sexy (whatever that means to you, whether formal or very casual)?

 

If not, try this. It may be just the thing for you.

 

We've attended an off-premise private swingers club a lot this year and the atmosphere is so different than when we meet people privately. The club is noisy, it can be hard to carry on a conversation not only because of the noise but because there are always many other "friends" around who jump into the conversation. It can be hard for us to spend enough quality time with one couple to "get the juices flowing" enough to determine if we are ready to swing that night. It's a great place, and a fun social time, but it is much different than a private meet.

 

Me personally, when we are with one couple, and I can focus my complete attention on that man - and him me - the connection builds so much more easily and quickly. My husband feels the same way about the woman, and the four of us all bond more quickly.

 

That one guy you mentioned liking in particular, how about asking that couple out for a private meet? That could be the thing that takes you to a new level.

 

LM

[WesternSwing 504]

Great idea LM!

[des1re06 200]

We're still in the "hanging out" with swingers group, even though we do full swap and soft swap. I'll explain.

 

When we go to conventions, resorts, parties, etc. it takes us time to get to know another couple to the level that we'd want to have sex with them. Often we do not swap, but same room sex with others around is very erotic.

 

When we first started going to swing clubs last year, we had no problem having sex in front of others and with others around us doing their own thing. Just watching and not doing anything with your spouse may be uncomfortable for some in your new group though. Just make sure everyone understands you are new and are slowly easing into the lifestyle.

 

So we're not quite ready to jump into bed with strangers. Does that make us non-swingers? I don't think so. I think it puts us into the "friends with benefits" or "newbie" category. If you're only into watching, then I think you would not be a swinger but a voyeur. Some clubs are fine with voyeurs too, just be clear on which category you fall.

 

Have fun!

 

Mrs. D

[ShellyM 0]

This is an interesting question because it touches on something we have run into lately.

 

The problem is that our local clubs have been overrun in the last year or so by what we call non-swingers, those are people who like the sexually charged atmosphere of the swingers club, but have no interest in playing with anyone else. The result of this is that the swingers who like to play with others have now stopped attending the clubs regularly.

 

So to answer your question, while we don't hold it against anyone personally and have even made some good friends with these people that are non-swingers, I have to admit that, yes, it is becoming very discouraging to us. Even to the point that we will meet someone and while smiling on the outside, be thinking, "oh no, not another one" on the inside.

 

I have to admit that I agree with you on this....this is why we do not really go to clubs very much lately. I know in our experience when we go, if we are getting busy in the playroom I look up and 15 people are standing there watching us. Nothing wrong with that, but I started to feel like an exhibit in a zoo lol. I agree. We go to swing, in that we go to swap. Whether that is full swap or soft...and there are couples who go and just sit there in their seats. I just don't understand why they pay so much money to go into the club and then don't even dance lol. But hey, to each their own. But I agree, it has become discouraging to us as well...we still have fun though.

[GoNatural 104]

I'm a little short on time, so I havn't read the other replies.

 

Still, I want to say that I'm all for meeting to just "visit". It would be such a breath of fresh air to meet with people that understand how a husband can watch (imensely enjoy watching) his wife have sex with another male.

 

I'm mentioning that issue because most every guy around me on a day to day basis at this time can't understand this. I'm sick of the way they blurt out disregard for such things.

 

I would enjoy every second of visiting with people that are into sexual non-monogamy, whatever its form.

[here2play 15]

I'm really glad this topic is here. As a couple, we are new to this lifestyle. Although the Mr. has a few experiences all the way up to full swap, I have only played with girls, and not all the way (damn!). However, we have a few views on this: 1 - as a new couple, making the swinger friends is actually a huge help in us getting more comfortable, sharing desires, experiences, etc. We are, however, completely up front that we have not intentions, but if it goes that route, awesome! 2 - We run into two situations, either the others are so aggressive, we run away, or, they are so full of crap, they don't follow through. It's difficult sometimes to enjoy. So, we have decided, go with the flow, meet new people and enjoy open friendships, when it's time, it's time. This has worked very well for us. As for the clubs, we are to make our first appearance tomorrow, assuming my unreliable body clock holds out another day! Maybe it's nerves, or maybe you just need to be only friends until you meet that "right" couple. Good luck!

[tribbles 490]

In California there are many, many clubs and parties. Some of them have more sex and others are more for show. We can go to either one and have fun. Even the parties with less sex often have a private area we can sneak off to so we can play together. Once in a while there are parties with NO sex allowed and even they can be fun cuz we always have each other and a good back seat

 

Just don't lead anyone on who doesn't know you are not playing with others beyond flirting.

 

 

Also, you might want to find a private room to play together the first few times.....we did that in the very beginning.

[TNTCouple 15]

However, we have a few views on this: 1 - as a new couple, making the swinger friends is actually a huge help in us getting more comfortable, sharing desires, experiences, etc. We are, however, completely up front that we have not intentions, but if it goes that route, awesome! 2 - We run into two situations, either the others are so aggressive, we run away, or, they are so full of crap, they don't follow through. It's difficult sometimes to enjoy. So, we have decided, go with the flow, meet new people and enjoy open friendships, when it's time, it's time. This has worked very well for us. As for the clubs, we are to make our first appearance tomorrow, assuming my unreliable body clock holds out another day! Maybe it's nerves, or maybe you just need to be only friends until you meet that "right" couple. Good luck!

 

This is exactly our attitude, especially what you said about the aggressive ones!

Let me know how it goes at your club. I know you'll have fun. We do at ours, albeit "non-swinger";).

[lovemonkey#1 48]

I read through this thread rather quickly, so I may be mentioning something you've already tried.

 

Have you had any private meets with one couple for dinner or drinks at a public place that isn't a swinger club/social spot? Someplace at night where the atmosphere is comfortable and sexy (whatever that means to you, whether formal or very casual)?

 

If not, try this. It may be just the thing for you.

 

We've attended an off-premise private swingers club a lot this year and the atmosphere is so different than when we meet people privately. The club is noisy, it can be hard to carry on a conversation not only because of the noise but because there are always many other "friends" around who jump into the conversation. It can be hard for us to spend enough quality time with one couple to "get the juices flowing" enough to determine if we are ready to swing that night. It's a great place, and a fun social time, but it is much different than a private meet.

 

Me personally, when we are with one couple, and I can focus my complete attention on that man - and him me - the connection builds so much more easily and quickly. My husband feels the same way about the woman, and the four of us all bond more quickly.

 

That one guy you mentioned liking in particular, how about asking that couple out for a private meet? That could be the thing that takes you to a new level.

 

LM

 

i agree with this post. i think if you're interested in trying out some things but are uncomfortable doing it in the club you should maybe augment your club visits with some more private get togethers with a select couple or single.

 

also, we found that a good way to break the ice and discover each other's comfort levels is to play a game like spin the bottle or truth or dare. sure, it's kind of childish but it lets you experiment with different scenerios in a low pressure environment. you can always think to yourself, "this doesn't really count, it's only a game". some of our sexist encounters have been during truth or dare ***thinks about this past weekend***.