Changes in relationship after swinging

[AdamInEve 28]

We have read that your relationship changes after you enter the swinging lifestyle but no one has really elaborated on what kind of changes those might be. We would like some input about how things may change from people who have been there.

[GoNatural 104]

I'm really interested in these issues. Mind you, I'm a single, but I really enjoy learning about the psychology behind all of the different forms of non-monogamy.

 

I've been reading about love, sex, and all of the neuro-chemicals that are released. I have somewhat of an understanding of what goes on beneath the surface so to speak.

 

Well, I'm looking forward to what the couples have to say.

[ShellyM 0]

Hmmmm, good question. How has it changed our relationship.

 

Well, I think rather than changed the relationship it has revealed certain aspects and clarified others. Number one, we have learned that we are not jealous. We have really had to do soul searches. I have found things that I didn't realize were there....some good and some not so good. I don't know though that it has changed the relationship. I think in our case enhanced would be a better word.

[AdamInEve 28]

Thanks Shelly, We're glad to hear that it has enhanced you're relationship. But once you did some soul searches what are some of the things that you realized were not there, good and bad? Also what aspects has it clarified and what aspects has it revealed?

[sweet_tna 680]

I'm still pretty much a newbie, but I have to say that so far, I agree with ShellyM in that it has both enhanced my relationship w/my hubby and inspired some soul searching.

 

The enhancement is obvious--you're having sex with other people, and you get to make some great new friends.

 

The soul-searching is when you have to REALLY look deep within yourself to decide who you really are. In my case, that meant confronting body issues/self consciousness and realizing that it IS okay for me to be free to express myself sexually. I'm constantly surprising myself (and my honey) with what I'm open to doing (and have already done!) in the short time since we've entered the lifestyle.

 

You'll hear this a lot on the board, but it bears repeating: Communication is ESSENTIAL! Even if it's already great (which it should be, if you're doing this), it should get even better. There's nothing like sharing that post-game analysis w/your honey on the drive home.

 

~Mrs. Sweet =)

[cubnamy1995 124]

I have to chime in on this one because we were really surprised. Before we took the plunge, we did a lot of research on here and I got a lot of good advice (pay close attention when the regulars dish out advice. While your situation may be different than theirs, people like Spoomonkey and his bride, Intuition, LikeMinds, Julie, Chicup, and many more than I can mention here can give you advice that is spot-on). We had long heard that it will either make you closer, or cause problems if you were not on firm enough ground.

 

Well, there is no teacher like personal experience. After we started swinging, it was almost like we were dating again. The romance just blossomed between us. I found myself daydreaming about my wife, and she me. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. It was like we were teenagers all over again.

 

I guess for me, having sex with another woman just makes me appreciate that much more what I have at home. It is great fun to play with other people, but no one will ever know my body mind and soul like my wife, and vice-versa.

 

Veterans can tell you. After a night of play, is there anything better then curling up in the bed exhausted, with your arms wrapped tightly around your beautiful wife, basking in the afterglow until you slip off into unconsciousness. Or having your husband put his arms around you and holding you close, knowing that the man you love most would do anything for your pleasure and happiness? That's damn hard to beat.

[GoNatural 104]

After we started swinging, it was almost like we were dating again. The romance just blossomed between us. I found myself daydreaming about my wife, and she me. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. It was like we were teenagers all over again.

 

I guess for me, having sex with another woman just makes me appreciate that much more what I have at home.

 

I know that I'm posting "next" and shouldn't necessarily quote, but I wanted to point this out...... It is a tanget to this topic.

 

The feelings of new love are induced by the neurochemical PEA (the abbreviation for it). This period of time called infatuation typically last 2-4 years according to the noted anthropologist and author Helen E. Fisher.

 

I believe that beginning to explore together "restarts" the flow of this neurochemical. If the couple is highly connected and communicate very well, the feeling comes through or with your partner. If the foundation and closeness is not there, it will not be the same. The increased intimacy from communicating more, learning more about your partner, and the fantasies themselves are all likely to be responsible for the renewed feelings of new love.

 

I have not seen this theory mentioned anywheres, yet. Possibly I have not read the right books or aticles yet.

[cubnamy1995 124]

Thanks for stepping on my romance there dude....

 

 

Naw, I'm just kidding.

[GoNatural 104]

Sorry cubnamy1995. Your explanation about the new feelings between you and your wife are often stated by couples that explore different forms of responsible non-monogamy together.

 

Basically, your explanation of you now feel was great, and I just wanted to use it to point out the feeling of "new love". The couple once again begins to feel infatuation for one another, which is a wonderful thing. Deeper things are revealed, and if you like them, blam..............you've got it.........

 

I certainly don't want to be one to spoil romance in anyway, I just can't help but be curious.

[cubnamy1995 124]

It's OK. I was just joking anyway.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

Quote

We would like some input about how things may change from people who have been there.

 

gonatural,...Please don't textbook our relationship. That's one of the things. We communicate and we share our feelings, without analyzing them. Then we make our wildest dreams come true.

[rpu3 630]

Quote

gonatural,...please don't textbook our relationship.

 

The reason I am jumping in here is the biological reasons of some of the whys swinging/responsible non-monogamy may work or not work are quite interesting to me. Perhaps its my science background, or just an interest in why things work they way they work. Maybe it's not of interest to some, but it may be of interest to others.

 

Since one point of view doesn't necessarily apply to the remainder of the population, I'd hope that this forum is a place where a wide variety of opinion could be expressed without people coming down to a "don't say that" mentality. I'd rather hear why someone doesn't agree with me rather than someone telling me to be quiet.

 

As to the topic, I'd have to think long and hard about the changes - I think at the end of the day, I KNOW that I can say anything, and it's not going to cause a permanent problem - if it isn't a great thought popping out of my mouth, we are going to get to the bottom of it and figure it out. I guess I don't feel stifled in my communications or feelings. It's pointed out how much trust and respect we have for each other, as well. Mostly, I think it's improved communication. We may have communicated before, but now I know we can survive the nitty-gritty conversations, as well. Let's just say I rarely hear from either one of us "why didn't you say something?".

[lost_j1 5]

rpu, you are sooo right on communication. I think that this is what swinging marriages have that most vanilla ones don't. Communication to the extreme. You'll either get good at communicating or you will stop swinging because you will become angry and frustrated and won't want to do it anymore.

 

There are a lot of vanilla marriages where the communication is there, but none like I have seen in regards to swinging  marriages....because it is such an essential element if you are going to have fun. You have to know where your partner's "toes" are so you don't step on them. And since this is about pleasure you do not want to do anything that is going to upset them in any way.

 

I know for Jay and I, swinging really spurned our living a healthy lifestyle. Believe it or not, if anything swinging has added years to our lives simply because it caused us to lose large amounts of weight and start exercising and eating healthy.

 

As far as soul searching Adam/Eve: Jay and I are naturally not jealous by nature. I remember the first time I looked over and he was playing with someone else's wife, I had no feelings of jealousy...as a matter of fact, I felt it odd that I did NOT have any feelings of jealousy. But we have found which buttons NOT to push on each other. This is something that just comes with experience though. Shit, sorry I didn't realize Jay was signed in LOL!!! This is SHELLY, and I'll sign in as me now LOL.

[iapr 24]

Think of swinging as an amplifier and not a changer. If you have cracks and flaws and discontent in your relationship it will quickly destroy it. If you have a solid relationship with solid trust, intimacy, open channels of communication and a healthy sexual and romantic component it will enhance that as well.

 

For us the influences we have experienced have all been positive.

 

-We communicate more and much more openly now, even about things nonsexual in nature.

 

-We have each opened up a lot more about our fantasies and desires and have learned how to press each others buttons even better.

 

-We have learned a few new techniques and activities that we enjoy.

 

-We have met some great new people and made some new friends. We have a whole new social circle and a whole new social life than we did before.

 

-We joined a gym together and work out together and help each other primp and preen and help each other in picking out new clothes and new looks.

 

- One of the biggest things for us is we used to each have our own separate hobbies and interests and this has given us a shared hobby that we enjoy doing together. That may sound a little silly but for us it has had a huge impact to do something fun and beneficial together as a couple.

 

-It has changed a lot of our views and values in regards to sexuality and romance and relationships in general. we both used to be very traditional and conservative and pretty closed minded and judgemental. Looking back we had a rather "sex-negative" view of sex in general and thought that sex was inherently bad and that it was something that needed to be tightly contained and controlled and only for certain circumstances. We now view sex in "sex positive" terms and that while one must still always be safe, respectful and responsible, we now think that sex is an important and beneficial part of human existence.

 

- Similar to the above entry it has also changed my personal view of marriage and the role of pair-bonding in people. I used to think that being free and single was a pretty desirable lifestyle choice. I now think that being in a healthy and happy pair-bond is the most natural and beneficial lifestyle status. While one may initially think that a nonmonogamous lifestyle would make people's value of marriage decrease it has actually been the exact opposite for me and I now hold more honor and respect and awe of marriage or committed pair-bond relationships than I did prior to entering the lifestyle.

 

 

If there has been any negative aspects of the lifestyle at all it is that we are often tired and dragging on Sundays and we have caught quite a few more colds than we used to. I never used to think of the common cold as a sexually transmitted disease but it is. Other than that it has all been positive (knock on wood!!)

[ncmd_couple 597]

This is an interesting topic… so I thought I would chime in here…

 

Lee and I got into the lifestyle after we broke the bonds of communications. Without going into the details of why, I decided to say, “Fuck it! I’m going to tell her what I really think!” Needless to say, we had a couple of weeks of no-holds-bared communications; some of it was pretty rough. But the end result was that we now know who each of us really is inside and we can tell each other exactly what we think, feel, and desire.

 

Having done so, we then discussed our sexual past and what our sexual and emotional desires are. It still isn’t perfect, but at least we can share everything. This has brought us closer together, yet at the same time has set both of us free. And that freedom provides us both with a peace that we didn’t have before in our relationship.

 

Last night we went to a new club, and we knew we would meet a couple that we had been exchanging e-mails with on-line. No expectations up front, but all the indicators were good. After a couple of hours of getting to know some about the other couple, we then enjoyed a great time of great sex with each other’s partner, and both sides sharing pillow talk about our lives, our pasts, and our futures. It turns out that we all have a lot of things in common.

 

After the other couple left the club, we got our room for the night and fell asleep with my lovely lady wrapped in my arms. And she woke up horny as hell this morning. Too bad she had to get up and go to work!

 

The lifestyle is an enhancement to our lives. I believe that early in our lives, when we are looking for that partner to bond with and bring children into the world with, our genetic heritage builds walls around us to secure the genes for our children. After that, the walls are either propped up because of the mores we were taught, depending on what you were taught as a child, or they crumble and your sexual and emotional world expands. Propping those walls is what I believe causes most of the grief in married couples. It sure as hell did my marriage. And I believe that our parents did the same thing that we do now. But it wasn’t acknowledged publicly. It was kept very quietly behind closed doors!

 

I could write a novel on how I came to my beliefs. Maybe I will! That’s a good idea. But the bottom line is that the lifestyle, in the form that the two of you agree upon, will expand your emotional horizons and doing that together will strengthen your love for each other. The problems come in when the two of you are not on the same page.

 

I had a great example of that last night. There was another new couple to the club at the same time that we arrived. The host couple gave all four of us a great tour of the club. I’m a people watcher. By the end of the tour, the body language of the other lady was one of excitement. The other guy had drawn a curtain on his soul and I couldn’t read him. Shortly after their tour, they collected their BYOB, went to the desk, demanded a full refund, and left. They were not on the same page emotionally with each other. They had not established that path of communications between them so that they could enjoy the club together. She was excited, and he was afraid of her excitement. It is a good thing that they left, they obviously weren’t ready. I bet it was not a pleasant ride home for them. Very sad.

[des1re06 200]

The feelings of new love are induced by the neurochemical PEA (the abbreviation for it). This period of time called infatuation typically last 2-4 years according to the noted anthropologist and author Helen E. Fisher.

 

That's so sexy! I love a man that can talk science with me.

 

Had to get that off my chest first before broaching the OP's subject at hand.

 

The lifestyle has opened a whole new communication level between us. Also, it has allowed my bi-sexual nature to flourish.

 

Overall, we think about sex more, therefore, we have sex more.

 

Mrs. D

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

I think any couple's relationship has to change once they take that first step and begin discussing the lifestyle, and that is a big first step; you'll learn at the start of discussion things about each other you never knew before. For some couples this can be frightening, for others it is exciting, because they are finally sharing something about themselves they've never shared before...their thoughts about sex, sexual attraction to others, and most importantly they will hopefully realize that their love for one another is strong, so strong that exploring sex with others will not change the commitment and love they have between them.

 

After bringing up the topic, you'll both learn whether you want to pursue swinging. If you aren't both sure yet but are willing to discuss it, you are in a good position to move forward. But even if you decide swinging isn't right for you now, maybe never, you can still benefit from what you learn about each other's sexual desires and fantasies which will likely increase your own pleasure together.

 

I believe those who succeed as swingers are mature (age makes no difference here), unselfish, and realize that swinging is always a mutual pursuit for the benefit of their relationship. GoNatural mentioned the "new love" feelings that can accompany sex with new people. This is true, but clear-thinking, mature couples will understand this feeling for what it is...the excitement of someone/something different, and it won't pose a problem.

 

Lastly, I don't feel swinging could ever be the cause of a marriage break up. It can only bring to the forefront problems that already existed. A couple can either face those problems that swinging brought to the surface, which could be seen as a blessing, and go on to improve their marriage, or if they realize there have been long-term problems they haven't been facing that they are unwilling or unable to resolve, they will go their separate ways.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

AdamInEve said:

We have read that your relationship changes after you enter the swinging lifestyle but no one has really elaborated on what kind of changes those might be.

 

ya know this is really a great thread that should never die. adamineve you guys are off to a great exploration into the thoughts that should be brought to light.

 

I suppose I answered with our thoughts looking at the similarity in our ages to adamineve's the O.P. and could elaborate even more. Things do change.

 

What would really be great is if this thread would stay in the top 100. It would be a great source of information for any one considering the lifestyle.

 

adamineve, if and I say if... you decide to actually travel the road in this lifestyle it would be so interesting to come back and ad to this thread a few years from now. As well as from us all.

[good times 991]

AdamInEve said:

We have read that your relationship changes after you enter the swinging lifestyle but no one has really elaborated on what kind of changes those might be. We would like some input about how things may change from people who have been there.

 

You know, I have read that to, but I have thought about this and can't think of any real ways this has changed our relationship. It has changed some things, but they aren't what I would consider relationship type things. For example, we have noticed that we tend to be more concerned about our appearance than we used to be before we started swinging. We keep our weight down, keep the pubic hair trimmed, that type of thing, that wasn't as important before as it seems to be now. But we have always communicated good and have not had a problem sharing our fantasies and such prior to swinging. And although, when we first started their was that new sex excitement that we hadn't felt since the early part of our relationship, that has pretty much subsided now. Don't get me wrong, we still get excited when we play with someone new, but we don't talk about it for weeks afterward like we did at first. So, long term, I can't see that we have noticed any significant changes in our relationship since we started swinging.

[WeMayTryIt 120]

Swinging has enhanced our relationship in a number of ways. It has [forced | allowed] us to really communicate on a level we never have in 20+ years of being together. Both of us have completely opened ourselves up to each other, with total transparency. We know we can share the deepest, darkest corners of ourselves--who we really are and what we really want--and things will be OK. When issues arise, rather than viewing them as stumbling blocks to the relationship, we now see them as opportunities to grow closer, understand each other better and ultimately love each other more deeply.

 

We've both become secure in the fact that, no matter how great a time we may have with someone else, each of us will always be the other's number one. We've come to appreciate how perfect we are for each other, and that on both an emotional and sexual level, no one can excite us like each other. There is no wondering in the back of our minds whether the sexual grass may be greener elsewhere.

 

As individuals, we have come to a point of self-realization. We have the freedom to be who we are rather than what we've been told our entire lives we should be. We're both more confident in every aspect of our lives, we have a genuine peace and for the first time in a VERY long time, we feel that we're fully living life rather than getting through it.

 

To most people, it would seem ridiculous that this could possibly occur through consentual non-monogamy. To be honest, it still sounds a bit ridiculous to us as well, but it has indeed done all of those things for us.

[iapr 24]

WeMayTryIt said:

We have the freedom to be who we are rather than what we've been told our entire lives we should be. We're both more confident in every aspect of our lives, we have a genuine peace and for the first time in a VERY long time, we feel that we're fully living life rather than getting through it.

 

That is an awesome statement.

[LOL_OMG 130]

Think of swinging as an amplifier and not a changer. If you have cracks and flaws and discontent in your relationship it will quickly destroy it. If you have a solid relationship with solid trust, intimacy, open channels of communication and a healthy sexual and romantic component it will enhance that as well.

 

I think this stament sums things up well, but things are not always black and white. Mrs. Lol and I both had small feelings of jealousy when we used to go out in the vanilla world. We were worried at first when we started in the lifestyle and I do admit to being a bit taken back the first time I saw Mrs. Lol with another man. Within two months those feelings were completely gone and now jealousy is not an issue anywhere in our lives.

 

Mr. Lol

[lookingfornow 116]

I believe that our relationship has changed as a result of our adventures.

 

Our first experience was a same room, full-swap with another couple. For me, that experience was a final confirmation that "love" is something very much more and somewhat different than sex. I believe my wife took somewhat the same lesson from the experience. Since then, our mutual commitment to one another and to our love has been greater than it has ever been. It is somewhat difficult to put into words, but there is literally nothing that we do not feel free to share with one another. It is very difficult to explain how liberating that can be.

 

Moreover, my confidence in her love for me and, I believe, her confidence in my love for her is now complete. I think it is very, very difficult to have the same degree of confidence in your relationship prior to your first swinging encounter. I think it is human nature to look sexually at others outside our committed relationships. However, I believe that society conditions us to equate sex and love in a way that causes us to question our own commitment or our partner's commitment to a relationship when we look at others sexually. Accordingly, I think that all purely monogamous couples suffer from at least a slight degree of relationship insecurity founded in their own discomfort with their sexual interest in others. And, indeed, that insecurity is probably well founded given the number of marriages that fail over sexual issues and monogamy.

 

As a result of our very limited experiences or in light of them, I find that we are generally "closer" to one another. I think that closeness is the result of the elimination of any feeling that our relationship is threatened by our interest (possibly instinctual) in sex outside the relationship. Instead of attacking our relationship, I know that I can have fun and derive enjoyment from watching her having fun exploring her sexual self with others. Further, I now know—without a doubt—that my wife's sexual interest in others is in no way an attack on the depth and strength of her emotional commitment to me. I hope (and believe) that she understands the same for me.

[AdamInEve 28]

We just wanted to take a minute to thank everyone for their replies to our first ever thread. Your responses have all been very insightful. It gives us much to think about as we explore the lifestyle.

 

Thank you all.

[dayhiker 83]

While I've not had a SO to swing with, reading posts like this has changed my view of relationships and marriage a whole lot over the last 4 or 5 years. Since I'm a Christian I had to go and finally think thru what the Bible said. After hundreds of hours reading the Bible, history, antropoloy, etc. I've come to see the ideas expressed in this thread didn't challenge the Bible and its sexual message. The Jews had a much more positive message about sex than the church came to have with Greek and Roman ideas mixed in with the Bible(think New Testiment). I had to think thru the contrast in the patriachy of the OT and in Greek society and found the honesty of the Jews with their great leaders mostly having several wives with no shame caused a lot of problems in western Christianity. Yet when I read Hebrews 11 (NT) with its list of people of faith that were examples for us Christians while thinking about their sex lives. I found that almost half of the names OT saints had sex lives that would keep them from having any type of leadership in a church that I attended.

 

It will be interesting if I find a Christian lady that wanted to experience any of this. But even if I don't, I have found a freedom from the temptations of sin without denying my sexuality like the church wanted me to. Why would Jesus want me to deny my sexuality when he created me a sexual being?

 

I found it interesting that the ethics of the lifestyle are often more honest and give honor to our SOs in a way that wasn't there in all sex outside marriage is sin mentality gave. I think that is really neat. Its gave me an understanding of the Bible that I couldn't see thru the lense of monogamy.

 

dayhiker

[prettylady 221]

Dog was everything I could ask for in a man. The lifestyle didn't change our relationship, it changed me.

 

Let me explain. I was always uncomfortable in my skin, my husband only made love (ha, there was no love) to me when he was drunk. Think about what that did to my ego. NEVER touched me while I was pregnant. I thought I was to gross for even the "man who loved me" to look at.

 

Fast forward 3 years.

 

I met Dog in the gym and we was taken with me from the start. Truth be told he took my breath away. But I had a hard time seeing what it was about ME that turned him on, and not just sexually,but mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.

 

Over time I started getting more comfortable with his admiring looks, but figured that this is the way my boyfriend is suppose to treat me.

We started to look into this lifestyle and I started getting comments about how I looked that blew me away, I mean are they really admiring ME?

 

Some of the comments I got were to over the top and made me blush for days. One was, "beauty like yours is why wars are fought. You are a true Helen of Troy" I mean what do you say to that?

 

I am coming out of my shell, and loving it.

 

I always tell Dog my fantasies, Usually when he is a work you know just to make his day both brighter and more frustrating.

 

The better you feel about yourself, the better life in general gets.

Best of luck in the lifestyle.