We think they gave us herpes...how do we tell them?

[Guest Worried]

I am a registered member but am posting unregistered due to the nature of my problem.

 

We have been playing with a couple for a year, we talked daily and met up quite regularly. They are much more active in the lifestyle, while we have only been with a few couples. Recently we don't talk or meet up anymore, but when questioned the response is everything is fine.

 

Well a week ago my husband noticed a rash just under his belly button, we went to the doctor and he said it looks like herpes. We are waiting on blood results now. We haven't been with anyone but this couple in 5 months. From what I've read, the symptoms come about just under a month after being exposed to the virus.

 

My question is how do we tell this couple that we think they gave him herpes? Part of me thinks they knew already and this is the reason for the "friendship" dwindling. I am terrified and feeling so betrayed because I'm expecting a very negative response along with denial and spreading of this news to everyone.

 

Any help or advice would be so appreciated.

[sexcupid 809]

I am not sure I have anything useful to add here...but do you use condoms? I know they are not foolproof, but for most give a modicum of security. I know that after our first playtime when we had a condom break, I made my SO use condoms with me until we got his test results a week or so after it happened. Although if the rash is just under his belly button, I'm not sure that would help. If something does come up on the test, I would let them know that they need to be tested...I don't know if I would hurtle accusations like 'you gave us something'...like you said, they may already know but be too embarrassed or uncomfortable to say anything.

 

Good luck...and here's to hoping it might just be a yeast infection or something other than herpes.

[tribbles 490]

Checking Attitudes About Herpes

 

Threads like that one caused me to go looking for as much info as I could find on HSV.

 

Herpes Gladiatorum Is Common Among Wrestlers is just one of many things I learned about HSV.

Herpetic Whitlow: Background, Pathophysiology, Epidemiology This gave me a reason to avoid the Dentist.

 

Even if you find you do have HSV, will you know for sure where you got it from when it's on his abdomen? Did the doctor type it so you know it if is HSV1 or 2?

 

While you wait for test results, (hopefully negative and it's not HSV), go learn about HSV.

 

Once you know a lot more than now, you can consider how to tell the other couple.

 

Good Luck

[havefuninsun 122]

If it is herpes, I'd call them immediately and say that it's imperative that you guys meet. They may not even know they have it -- who knows. But they need to know so they don't infect anyone else.

 

If they know they have it and are embarrassed to tell you, I would have absolutely nothing else to do with them ever again. How irresponsible!

[des1re06 200]

As any good doctor will tell you, there are many ways of contracting Herpes, not just via sexual contact. Simply kissing your grandmother can spread it if she has an active sore.

 

Now, as to the telling another couple, do so in a non-threatening way please. Millions of people carry the virus and do not even know they do. No matter how many times a year one is tested, it can be contracted without showing symptoms for months.

 

I would never approach this from the standpoint of "you gave me this..."

 

Everyone who is actively swinging takes the risk of coming in contact with a disease of some sort, and I feel it's up to each individual to protect themselves and not toss around blame.

 

I didn't call up everyone who came to my house party and say, "you gave me a yeast infection, and I don't want anything else to do with you." Come on, that's so silly. I asked for multiple partners, and so I took the risk.

 

I understand you're worried. I got every test imaginable after our first house party, but it turned out to be simply yeast. I hope the same for you. I'm just saying don't freak out on your friends, as I'm sure they didn't intentionally give you something.

 

Mrs. D

[sweet_tna 680]

First off, wait for those test results to be sure. Second, if they're positive, then you need to contact that couple to tell them your results. It doesn't matter at this point HOW you got it, you need to let them know for their sakes. We all take risks here. And that's argument #1 for safe sex.

[Worried 15]

Thanks you guys for the replies. I know we do take risks in this lifestyle, and these things can happen. I guess im really worried that they knew and played with us anyway and chose to say nothing. Of course thats the negative nancy coming out in me, lol. We still havent gotten the results yet. I do believe the blood test will type the herpes if thats what it is. We are still praying otherwise.

 

We do plan to meet face to face with them if the test is positive and let them know whats up.

[Lovethenights 35]

The notion of finding out just what kind of herpetic infection is present is a good one. There are herpetic infections that are called "Herpes Zoster" and have nothing to do with the sexually transmissible kind of herpes. If that's what he has, it's a form of adult chickenpox. The presence of the infection on the abdominal wall suggests this might be the case.

[Cerberus 16]

If you have ever had cold sores you have herpes! HSV1 and HSV2 are now BOTH considered STD's.

HSV1 and HSV2 can be oral or genital.

 

Most other MD's know this and its not that big of a deal at all.

 

Herpes is the most common virus spread around to other human beings.

 

I think it is utterly silly for ANY body to be alarmed by this.

 

I have been tested and I have HSV-1 OOOOHHHHHHH "good herpes"? COME ON!

 

It doesn't mean you are dirty. It doesn't mean somebody is a whore or a slut. It simply means you caught a virus........Just like a cold or the flu

 

I would rather catch HSV2 having sex then catch a cold because Inhaled a strangers booger or snot or for that fact fecal matter.

 

 

THINK first before you over react. Understand the dynamics of a VIRUS then think this year when you get a cold (virus) about how you caught it.

 

When I was in Medical school I was shocked more about bathroom door knobs having fecal matter on them then a woman who has herpes.

 

Ah and remember when you get the small cold sore in your mouth or on your lip.......It doesnt mean a thing!

 

Your body is built to fight these things. There are carriers who have HSV who NEVER have a break out or blister because they have excellent immune systems.....

 

RANT off:

 

 

Please don't freak out about this. Its nothing more then a virus. easy to fight and extremely common. Most people dont even know they carry it

[Chicup 41]

HSV 1 = no big deal

HSV 2 = big deal

 

HSV 1 just about everyone has been exposed to. It rarely recurs on the genitals and while painful are not debilitating.

 

HSV 2 is the nasty one. It can be very pervasive and quite uncomfortable. It causes the nasty blistering and can recur often.

 

Having it under the bellybutton is a bit off location. I've never heard of it happening that far way from the genitals. I wouldn't be surprised if its possible but it just doesn't sound 'right'.

 

Wait for the test, but even a positive test doesn't mean that the rash is HSV 2, some people are exposed to HSV 2, develop antibodies and never get symptoms, the test only tests that exposure unless they were doing a test for the virus itself.

[Cerberus 16]

Chicup said:

HSV 1 = no big deal

HSV 2 = big deal

 

HSV 1 just about everyone has been exposed to. It rarely recurs on the genitals and while painful are not debilitating.

 

HSV 2 is the nasty one. It can be very pervasive and quite uncomfortable. It causes the nasty blistering and can recur often.

 

Having it under the bellybutton is a bit off location. I've never heard of it happening that far way from the genitals. I wouldn't be surprised if its possible but it just doesn't sound 'right'.

 

Wait for the test, but even a positive test doesn't mean that the rash is HSV 2, some people are exposed to HSV 2, develop antibodies and never get symptoms, the test only tests that exposure unless they were doing a test for the virus itself.

 

I respectfully and totally disagree. Either one has the same neuropathology as the other.. meaning the same sore on your penis 1 or 2 will do the same.

Frequency is ONLY related to your the health of your body and its ability to fight and suppress the virus. Your immune system makes the difference on the frequency and virility of the sores and blistering..........

 

Drug companies underwrite many of the Herpes web sites and consumer information packages.......handed out by physicians.

 

As for location blistering can happen anywhere on the body.

 

Sorry if I come across as a jerk guys. Its not my intention. I have seen marriages/friendships/ etc. ruined by misinformation.

 

It bothers me to no end to see over reactions to a simple virus. Especially when you consider it as compared to others.

 

I won't say anymore about this and leave it be.

 

 

Peace

[Chicup 41]

Cerberus said:

I respectfully and totally disagree. Either one has the same neuropathology as the other.. meaning the same sore on your penis 1 or 2 will do the same.

 

Well that's fine, but ask anyone with HSV 2 if they would trade it for HSV 1

[tribbles 490]

Well thats fine, but ask anyone with HSV 2 if they would trade it for HSV 1

 

IF HSV 2 can not cause this, I'll take 2 over 1

 

Now, If I can have 1 with a promise that the above would never happen, ok, 1 looks better than 2.

[Chicup 41]

tribbles said:

IF HSV 2 can not cause this, I'll take 2 over 1

 

Now, If I can have 1 with a promise that the above would never happen, ok, 1 looks better than 2.

 

It is not just HSV-1

 

There are more than a dozen viruses that can cause encephalitis. In some cases, the viruses are spread by direct contact between two people. In other cases, the viruses are transmitted by means of an animal or insect bite. Some common viruses and viral diseases that can cause encephalitis include:

 

* Chickenpox (see chickenpox entry)

* Measles (see measles entry)

* Mumps

* Epstein-Barr virus

* Cytomegalovirus infection (EBV)

* Human immunodeficiency virus (HIV; see AIDS entry)

* Herpes simplex virus

* Herpes zoster virus (shingles)

* Herpes B virus

* Polio (see polio entry)

* Rabies (see rabies entry)

* Viruses carried by mosquitoes (arboviruses)

 

Some of these viruses may infect the brain directly. In other cases, the infection spreads from another part of the body, as is usually the case with chickenpox, measles, mumps, rubella (see rubella entry), and Epstein-Barr virus. For example, a person may develop a case of chickenpox, then about five to ten days later, as an immune reaction to the chickenpox virus, the brain becomes inflamed and swollen.

 

Many forms of encephalitis are spread by the bites of insects or animals. Mosquitoes are common carriers of encephalitis viruses. They carry the viruses in their blood and saliva. When they bite a human, they may transfer the virus to the human's bloodstream. The virus multiplies and spreads throughout the body. When it reaches the brain, it may cause encephalitis.

 

Dogs, cats, mice, raccoons, squirrels, and bats are also carriers of encephalitis viruses. These animals also carry the virus in their blood and saliva. When they bite a human, they can transmit the virus to the human bloodstream.

 

Now, that doesn't mean HSV-1 is a walk in the park for everyone. Some can get it in the eyes, some can have a very sever reaction, but it almost a ubiquitous infection in the population, odds are you already have it.

[lookingfornow 116]

If your worst fears are confirmed, you must contact them to let them know. How you tell them very much depends upon the nature of your relationship together. If you have a phone number, I would call them. But, once you have the answer, you need to tell them quickly lest they be infected and unknowingly infect an other. Also, it is entirely likely that they have no idea that they are infected (assuming they were the ones who infected you). Doctors now believe that HSV 2 has no symptoms in the majority of its infections. So, you should not assume that you have been lied to or deceived (even though it is a distinct possibility).

[intuition897 2,179]

I'm leaning more toward Chicup's explanation. The just-below-the-bellybutton location strays a bit far from where you'd normally expect genital herpes. It sounds more like shingles (aka herpes zoster) if it's herpetic at all.

 

The other thing it might be is a yeast infection. I know the first time we got it on with a new couple, I ended up with a lovely yeast infection. It was just enough to throw my pH off and voila. Rubbing up against strangers exposes you to all their personal bugs...and them to yours. Everyone lives peacefully with their own personal bugs, and our spouses or signifcant others have become friends with them as well. But when you are exposed to someone else's, you can possibly get a reaction. For example, vaginal yeast infections, jock itch or even athlete's foot. If your body can't keep the little critters in check, I'm just thinking this might a possibility. Maybe you're even sensitive to their perfume or fabric softener. It could be anything, so try not to worry too much. Good luck!

[Worried 15]

Hi, We got his herpes results back and they are negative. The doctor said it cant be shingles cause it in the center of his body and shingles has to be on one side. Hes been on antibiotics and some cream for over a week but the rash isnt getting better so we are going to see a dermatologist. So we are relieved its not herpes but still have no clue as to what it is. Thanks for everyones concern.

[Reef99 30]

Good to hear the results were negative!

[sweet_tna 680]

Whew! Sorry about the shingles, though.

[blue.freckles 15]

I'm 98% sure this is some kind of yeast infection...

 

the dried, broken skin looks VERY similar to hsv-1

[GMOFLEISURE 221]

Obviously another awkward at best subject that I'm not seeing discussed much. You play as a couple or individual with another couple or individual. A few days later either:

 

1. The other sends a message they have a STD manifesting itself.

 

2. You find symptoms emerging.

 

What is the best course of action to get through this socially 'difficult' situation?

 

I've been through this before many years ago & took several actions. But, I am curious what others think are the best actions to take in these awkward moments. Among other things there is the question of who has been carrying & who received. STD tests are at the bottom line only good until you make sexual contact again, then you are back to zero. Condoms, washing up, & other measures are less effective than we hope. Clearly there is a minefield of drama, liability, embarrassment, expense & knowing you are not going be getting laid for a while.

 

Anyone care to comment on how this can be best dealt with? Or perhaps share their experience?

[kikonkrome 844]

I have no experience but informing the play partners would certainly be high on the list!! Kinda difficult if you don't have others contact information though!!

[funcoupledayton 2,708]

I think it's more ethics than etiquette.

 

We have gotten the call from friends after a big, crazy party, it was several years ago. It was awkward for them, probably, but they did the right thing. They talked to everyone they had been with recently and encouraged them to get tested. Fortunately, this was an sti that is curable with antibiotics and condoms are highly effective in prevention. Unfortunately, there was a lot of worry, time and money spent for everyone to be tested spur of the moment. There were probably 2 dozen people involved, maybe? It was handled very well, and we are still friends and I believe everyone else involved still is too.

 

I really feel that condoms are worth using, they are not 100%, but they do offer good protection from many sti's, and even moderate protection for hpv and herpes. This case was one where there were several couples who used condoms, but not with everyone, not with people they felt were "safe and trustworthy". When you multiply that over several couples, that gets to be a lot of people. There is no way to know whether someone is carrying an sti, even testing is only a snapshot.

 

I will say also, that there was one other couple in the group who we knew we wanted to play with again. I asked them outright, if they got tested before we played again. We are friends and it is fine to ask and keep yourselves and your friends safe.

[GMOFLEISURE 221]

I'm really curious at this point, how often do folks here have themselves tested. I'm aiming at every 3-4 months depending on the number of partners & circumstances. What do others think is right for them?