Outed before we started

[AdamInEve 28]

As we stated before, we are just in the talking about the lifestyle stage but it seems we were outed before we even had the opportunity to get directly involved. It seems that our wonderful 19 year old son has been snooping through our room while we were away. He must have found info about the lifestyle because he told the neighbor who is in a bitter divorce with his wife who happens to be good friends with Eve.

The neighbor told his ex (Eve's friend) and is threatening her for being friends with swingers. Its a big mess.

We live in a small community and we are sure this will get out. The sad part is we haven't done anything other then read some info. The 19 year old is most likely on his way out but save that, what else can we do to handle this situation.

Adam / Eve

[sexcupid 809]

Well, first I would confront your son (19 or not) about his lack of respect for your privacy. First for 'snooping' and second for opening his mouth to anyone. Why on earth would he talk to one of your neighbors about something like that? Have you talked to the neighbor? If they are divorcing over an infidelity (possibly her's), he may think she was 'influenced' to look else where.

 

Not enough details here to make a sound judgement other than talking to your child about privacy, respect, and spreading gossip/rumors and the pain in can inflict (even if it is unintentional).

 

Good luck,

 

Maria

[AdamInEve 28]

Thanks Maria, I just can't understand why he would tell anyone either. I guess it is because he is not real thrilled with us right now (for reasons I don't have time to go into now) and sides are being drawn with the neighbor issues. Our son works with the neighbor on occasion and considers him a friend, but really he just tries to pump him for info. Our son doesn't understand that he is not his buddy.

 

Anyway, I just had a talk with our son and let him know that if he can't respect our privacy it may be time for him to leave. I did tell him that the books were mine and I was just reading them because a few friends I know are in the lifestyle and I just found it interesting (which is the truth). I also told him his mother had no knowledge about it (hope he bought that) and now he has dragged her into something she wasn't even a part of.

 

As for the neighbor thinking his wife was cheating. Yes, he always has thought that, but it was never the case. And you are right Maria, he now thinks she is playing with us. He is wacky and there is nothing I can do about his crazy thoughts and won't even confront him about them.

 

I guess I was wondering has anyone else ever been discovered and how did they handle it? Being from a small community this is bound to get out.

 

Thanks, Adam

[sweet_tna 680]

Sounds like you've handled it well so far. Not much else you can do but sit back and try to ignore whatever others might say to you. If he's known by others to have "crazy thoughts", then perhaps no one else will listen to his ravings.

 

Good luck,

 

~Mrs. Sweet =)

[sexcupid 809]

Well I am originally from a small community (Ironton, Ohio)...so I know how everyone seems to know everyone else's business. And that rumors spread like wildfire.

 

I think you may need to talk with the neighbor and try to set him straight (give him the same story you gave your son would probably be the best route)...but some people let their imagination run wild and nothing you can say will change their way of thinking. However, there are plenty of partners out there that accuse their spouses of the very things that they are doing because of misplaced guilt and projection...people like your neighbor would drive me nuts. lol

 

Is the son or the neighbor blabbing to others? Just deny, deny, deny....they have no proof but the words of a 19 year old.

 

Good luck

 

Maria

[SAMnTINA 362]

Best defense is a good offence:sfight:, and the best way to answer people that say something is: “So we what. Remember if you do not make a big deal most others won’t ether. We went public on National TV, which resulted in a few people asking a few questions, no judgment. But when asked we said yes we do and it’s between us, if you have questions we will be happy to answer, but don’t judge us and we won’t judge you.

 

This big news is at least in South Florida no one really cared.

 

You should also add to your answer we were just curious and doing some research. If my husband (wife) and I are ok with it then it should not matter to you, unless you are curious as well.

 

Good luck but remember you have nothing to be ashamed of and looking at information on something does not make you guilty. So don’t let any one put you on the defensive.

 

Small minds will always think small things but that is their problem not yours.

[AdamInEve 28]

Thanks Sweet, I hope we have handled it OK.

 

Maria, So far it is just our son who has blabbed to the neighbor. Although who else he may of told, we have no idea. But with the animosity between the neighbor and Eve (because she is very close to his soon to be ex) I know he will do some talking too.

I guess you are right. Deny, deny, deny.

I'll let Eve lie and I'll swear to it. LOL

 

Adam

[AdamInEve 28]

Remember if you do not make a big deal most others won’t ether.

 

Thanks Sam and Tina, I think this thought is a good one to remember.

 

Good luck but remember you have nothing to be ashamed of and looking at information on something does not make you guilty. So don’t let any one put you on the defensive.

 

This is very true also, but remember we are dealing with the nervousness and other issues that come with being newbies. The last thing we needed or expected was a situation like this so naturally our, or at least my reaction (Eve isn't here now to give her input) was to jump on the defensive. I guess we will see what comes down the line, if anything and deal with it from there.

 

Thanks for the advice.

Adam

PS. I did see a clip of you on the Oprah show. Wow talk about nervous, that had to be nerve wracking.

[havefuninsun 122]

Hi Adam,

 

What a bummer. I think you handled the situation with your son the best you could. We have "grown" (e.g., legal adults, even if he doesn't always behave like it) living at home too. We actually have a key lock on our bedroom door -- it's irritating, but we don't like the kids in our room, for any reason.

 

I have mixed reactions about even confronting the neighbor, especially if he's as mentally unstable as he seems (mentally unstable people are better left to their own devices). And, if anyone were brave enough to ASK you about it, look them square in the eye and say, "why would you ask me something like that?"

 

I remember reading advice from Ann Landers once. Someone wrote in and complained of being asked personal questions. Ann's advice was to retort with "why do you want to know that?" If I were being nosey asking personal questions and someone retorted back with that, I'd shut up.

 

Good luck!

[avid 134]

...if anyone were brave enough to ASK you about it, look them square in the eye and say, "why would you ask me something like that?"

 

And don't forget the excellent "eyebrow raise" when you're asking the question!

 

Adam and Eve, I sure feel for you.

 

My teenager left home a few years ago, and we certainly had privacy/respect issues for quite a while.

 

Now, my partner's 20yo daughter lives with us. Along the same vein, I just removed the digital camera from her hands as she was looking through our pictures. There are definitely things she doesn't want to see there, but I truly never thought she would start to look at it without asking!

 

I believe that, other than in your neighbour's mind, this will be a non-issue. Most people truly don't care.

[SAMnTINA 362]

PS. I did see a clip of you on the Oprah show. Wow talk about nervous, that had to be nerve wracking.

 

No the nervous breakdown did not happen untill after it was in the can and we were flying home to FL. That when we looked at each other and said "did we really do that."

 

Good luck to both of you.

[AdamInEve 28]

And, if anyone were brave enough to ASK you about it, look them square in the eye and say, "why would you ask me something like that

 

This would be a good way to respond HaveFunInTheSun.

 

And don't forget the excellent "eyebrow raise" when you're asking the question!

 

And this is definitely a nice touch Avid. LOL

 

As far as the locks on the door go, we have talked about them in the past but today I think we have pretty much decided they are going on.

And I don't plan on confronting the neighbor. I have stayed out of their situation as best as I could thus far. Even with him trying to drag me in it over the last few months. I haven't spoken to him for a few weeks since his wife moved out, nor do I plan too.

Adam

[couplewanting50 65]

Deny, deny, deny....

[johntoniswing 15]

well if anyone asked my i would say are you a swinger i have never meet one before and then i would say say dont worry i wont tell anyone

[sigh35 20]

I agree with deny, deny, deny..! Just look at your accuser like they caught you off guard and say "what?!!" that's crazy! who told you that? my 19 year old? "so, you go around believing stories told by 19 year olds? Wow! Maybe you wish it were true and this is your way of propositioning me hu? Heehee!

[purpletiger 25]

He is wacky and there is nothing I can do about his crazy thoughts and won't even confront him about them.

 

Thanks, Adam

 

...and if anyone is brave enough to say "your neighbor told me you were swingers" you can respond as above "What, so that's what that wacky old man is saying now" as you shake your head.

 

I'm sure everyone knows his situation and his feeling toward you.

[couplewanting50 65]

I agree with deny, deny, deny..! Just look at your accuser like they caught you off guard and say "what?!!" that's crazy! who told you that? my 19 year old? "so, you go around believing stories told by 19 year olds? Wow! Maybe you wish it were true and this is your way of propositioning me hu? Heehee!

 

...and you could add that you were a front man for a Colombian drug cartel. Who would suspect someone in a small town of working for the Colombians? Offer to cut the questioning person in on the action, and tell them that they would look great in a white, 7-series BMW.

[intuition897 2,179]

Oh Lord. What a stinky mess.

 

I'm not sure what the situation is with your 19-year old, but I certainly wouldn't let that go without a confrontation. If it were me, I'd let him know that - surprise surprise - his parents are adults, and yes, ew gross, they have sex. What he discovered was SOOOOOO no his business, and I don't care WHAT it was he found, he had NO business relaying any part of it to anyone. It was not his information to give away, and he had no right to it. What you and your wife do in the privacy of your bedroom, in your sex life, is none of his concern. As a near-adult, it's about time he learned about such boundaries. Sadly, lots of young people grow into adults who STILL think that they have a right to know everything about everything, and have some right to stand in judgment of it. To put it plainly? I would be seriously pissed at him!!

 

The dealings with your neighbour. Sounds like quite the asshole. Luckily for you, the vanilla world is one that runs on loopholes and technicalities. Have you put your penis inside another woman's vagina or ass, or has your wife had another man put his penis in either of these two of her body cavities? If not, don't worry about it. Rumours will fly of course. I grew up in a small town, too and this kind of grist for the rumour mill is just about as juicy as it gets. To be honest, you have nothing you even need to deny. I find that vagueness (a socially accepted method for appropriately protecting one's privacy) with a slice of honesty works well for subjects like these. The truth? For the masses who have no reason to need to know vagueness alone or the quirky-eyebrow-confrontation would work very well. For those for whom you choose to provide an explanation, all they need to know is that all you did was read up on it because you heard about it from someone. You were curious how people could do this kind of thing, and you were looking it up. And now, according to Crazy Al the wacko next door, you're a full-blown swinger! Surely the person to whom you're explaining things wouldn't be so gullible as to believe a nut-job like Al. You know how he gets.

 

While it's unethical to start rumours about someone, I don't see anything wrong with using that charming small-town communication network to make it absolutely plain that you've done nothing to be ashamed about. In fact, and I don't care WHERE you live, gossiping is just plain rude and mean, and anyone who had a hand in spreading this kind of BS about you should be ashamed of themselves.

[ncmd_couple 597]

This is something that we thought about before entering the lifestyle. At the time we started, all of the kids were gone, but as it sometimes happens, my son (22) returned. So I sat him down and talked to him. The funny part was when he said, "Dad, don't worry about it, resteraunt people are the biggest swingers out there!" We also live in a small town.

 

As for your neighbor, ignor him and don't talk to him about this. If he is a nut case then he won't believe anything you say anyway because he has already made things up in his mind anyway. Any discussion with him would just make the situation worse. And the last thing you want is to get sucked into his divorce. And if he does try, as you have never done anything wrong, you have nothing to defend. It is he who would have to provide proof, something he can't do.

 

If anyone asks you about "swinging" just play stupid. Remember, persona is what people see. But I doubt that anyone will ask you about it. If someone does hear that you two might be swingers chances are that they will say "Damn, I wish I could do that!"

[Vjklander 138]

Take up swing dancing.

[havefuninsun 122]

Take up swing dancing.

 

LOL!!!

[AdamInEve 28]

Good idea VJK, it may be less headaches.

[havefuninsun 122]

Good idea VJK, it may be less headaches.

 

I think he may have meant ... if someone asks you about swinging, you can say, "yeah -- we've been researching swing dancing ... what's your point???"

 

You're still swingin'

 

I know 3 years ago if I said I was going out swinging, or to swing, it meant a WHOLE different thing than it does now ... LOL!!

[AdamInEve 28]

Ah Ha, My Bad. Thanks for explaining

[Vjklander 138]

Hehe, I kind of left it open-ended that way. Let folks take it however they want.

[turnuptheheat 98]

A slight variation a la Dane Cook

" Are you outa your fuckin' mind!?"

if they persist, "You are outa your fuckin' mind".

 

I really hope this turns into something you can laugh about in a few weeks.

Good luck and talk to that 19 yo

[LOL_OMG 130]

We were camped outside my brother's place this summer. Nice day, had my laptop outside on a table. I went to take a nap....cause nap = guud. Hubby says, "hey it's nice outside, imma go check out swingersboard on the wifey's laptop!" Then he says, "hey, nap = guud" and leaves SB up.

 

Sister in law comes home and looks at the screen, and I get drilled ....WTF was that? I know what swingers are!!! Why are you on that website???!!

 

I told her, "what website? was that one of the Mr's porn site? He's so bad at the porn sites.....such a sex machine...."

 

Mrs

[sereneiders 263]

I agree with what was told so far. And if you're going to lie, (as you did) make it resemble the trust for the most part.

 

Back to your son, and why he spread the voice... I wonder if he wasn't lead by his own prejudices toward swinging, plus the distorted version of what harms a relationship comming form your paranoic neighbohr, to the point that when he found out that book, he could become anxious, out to the fear that his parents (you two) could be travelling on the same road your neighbor did, and facing the same concecuences in the near future. If so, and since at 19 he already should know the gossip is a "social engineering" tool, he could be doing this on purpose, knowing how the gossib will bounce back to your wife, as a deliberate measure to prevent the outcome he'd be fearing.

 

I would dig in deeper on his motivations to open his big mouth, and treat him as an adult who, by now, should be aware of the consecuences of his little talk with your neighbohr, and should talk like an adult about his fears, instead of treating him like a slow kid, wich, by the way, wouldn' help him face nor express his fears. Perhaps, all your soon is needing after the shock of his finding is to be reasured that your marriage is doing great and there's no chance for a divorce, no matter of what.

 

As an aside, I am curious about the lack of understanding of privacy your son seems to have. I remember when I was a kid at my parents home, they never locked themselves in the bedroom, and we all know everyone of un, inside the house, had a place where to hold our private stuff. My parents didn't peek on my dwarves without asking permission first, I valuated that and felt obligued to respect each other privacy. As for today, I wouldn't dare to look for a pen in my wife's pursue without asking her first -or even better, handle the pursue to her so she's the one sticking her hand inside it-. The question I am asking is, ¿does your son have his own privacy at home, that you valuate and respect?

[AdamInEve 28]

I went to take a nap....cause nap = guud. Hubby says, "hey it's nice outside, imma go check out swingersboard on the wifey's laptop!" Then he says, "hey, nap = guud" and leaves SB up.

 

Sister in law comes home and looks at the screen, and I get drilled ....

 

This is funny, but I guess it wasn't at the time. Perhaps like TurnUpTheHeat says after a few weeks we can look back on this and laugh too.

 

As an aside, I am curious about the lack of understanding of privacy your son seems to have.

 

Yes Sereneiders, we were wondering that too. Eve also confronted him today and after a couple days of reflection she feels he truly understands he F-ed up. Especially after he found out that Eve was the one who wanted him to start packing his bags. I guess some kids grow up later than others.

 

BTW, There is now a key lock on the bedroom door. LOL

 

Adam / Eve

[intuition897 2,179]

Sister in law comes home and looks at the screen, and I get drilled ....WTF was that? I know what swingers are!!! Why are you on that website???!!

 

LOL.. Holy hell. Talk about your overreaction, eh? Was she really that outraged? Was she actually verbally attacking you or was she more scared do you think? My first thought would be "Oh shit" and then I think the next would be, "And this concerns you HOW?? Butt out sis."

 

I hadn't thought about taking up swing dancing. That would certainly take care of that, woudln't it??

[Chip_n_Muffy 16]

Sister in law comes home and looks at the screen, and I get drilled ....WTF was that? I know what swingers are!!! Why are you on that website???!!

 

Mrs

 

The internet is full of surprises. I found this board while I was, no shit, researching an engine swap on a Dodge Swinger!

 

If ya ain't carefull with your search terms, you're liable to end up far from the intended target. On the other hand, it might open up an entire new world for you.

 

Chip

[turnuptheheat 98]

The internet is full of surprises. I found this board while I was, no shit, researching an engine swap on a Dodge Swinger!

 

 

Chip

 

I was similarly shocked when I did a search on the Phillipines Moro Islamic Liberation Front

Took me six hours to find the site I was looking for!

[cocpl2007 170]

As we stated before, we are just in the talking about the lifestyle stage but it seems we were outed before we even had the opportunity to get directly involved. It seems that our wonderful 19 year old son has been snooping through our room while we were away. He must have found info about the lifestyle because he told the neighbor who is in a bitter divorce with his wife who happens to be good friends with Eve.

The neighbor told his ex (Eve's friend) and is threatening her for being friends with swingers. Its a big mess.

We live in a small community and we are sure this will get out. The sad part is we haven't done anything other then read some info. The 19 year old is most likely on his way out but save that, what else can we do to handle this situation.

Adam / Eve

I realize we're coming along a bit late in your post. We did have a similar occurrence. Our over 30 adult daughter confronted us about our ad on AFF. Something we thought had long since been deleted as we'd let our membership expire. WELCOME to the computer age. Those profiles and those pictures...well, all those sites make tons off volume of members and volume of pictures, so they DO NOT delete your profile or photos if you let your membership expire. It got real ugly, and really isn't at all settled yet. This happened over 3 years ago! The lessons we learned:

 

1. Delete your pictures on those sites when you are done with that site. Also post an empty profile and an empty photo album for a few days before your membership expires to make certain there is nothing remaining.

 

2. Only post what you want to VIEW at Thanksgiving Dinner with your friends and family present! Consequently we don't post pictures, and try to keep our profile & location relatively generic and discreet.

 

3. We refused to address our daughter's "concerns" about our sexuality. Our response was: "Our sexuality is absolutely none of your business. We do NOT want to know about yours, and you will have NOTHING to do with ours."

So much for taking the bull by the horns on this one...Geesh. What a mess!

 

Suffice it to say our daughter in DW's step daughter, consequently there isn't much left of our relationship.

 

Your son has no business knowing anything about you and Eve's sexuality. Perhaps paying his own room and board might just be enough to start that leaning process with him.

 

As for the neighbors, SO WHAT! Divorce in a big city, divorce in a small community and divorce on the desert can be u g l y. Divorcing folks can get so narrowly focused on their own personal issues those around them are not long before they feel like they are at ground zero. Even "IF" you and Eve were known in your Community as Swingers, Gays, SMBD...whatever; why would that have any sway on someone else's divorce. Sometimes being so close, makes it so hard to see the light at the end of all this.

 

Good luck with your Son, and let the Neighbors...be, well, the Neighbors. I'd not discuss a bit of this with any of them...even when you are visiting your son in his new abode! You've already gone far enough with your Son. It has to have an end. You and Eve can decide when this subject is no longer alive.

[undercovercpl 29]

Well, we were outed by our own mistake to my father-in-law...... At least he is kinda OK with it... But yea don't expect to be able to explain it to your average vanilla or 19 yr. old for that matter. You sound like you have it handled pretty well thus far.

[sexcupid 809]

I realize we're coming along a bit late in your post. We did have a similar occurrence. Our over 30 adult daughter confronted us about our ad on AFF. Something we thought had long since been deleted as we'd let our membership expire. WELCOME to the computer age. Those profiles and those pictures...well, all those sites make tons off volume of members and volume of pictures, so they DO NOT delete your profile or photos if you let your membership expire. It got real ugly, and really isn't at all settled yet.

 

 

Out of curiosity, how DID your 30 y/o daughter find your AFF profile? Snooping on your computer or was she on the site as well? I don't deal well with hypocrites, even if it is a family member.

 

Maria

[cocpl2007 170]

She went over to the wake for her Grandmother, my ex's Mother. Came back in a terror. The "conversation" never got to determining exactly how they viewed our profile and pics on AFF.

 

Thanks for asking Maria

[wetmeow987 16]

dont let that stop you....it is just rumors now....go and have some fun

[wetmeow987 16]

we had someone start the same thing about us, and she actually told my sister...we laughed it off...it is no one elses business....forget about it.

[Mslavale 15]

everyone is different nd situation are alo diferent,

for us it was always simple, my life my body or marriage you dont like it F**K O**

we dont make a big deal about our lifestyle but we dont hide it either, and many in ourlittle 4,300 pop town know.

so much simpler