Drama - What does it mean to you?

[des1re06 200]

So, there's been alot of discussion lately about "drama." I'm thinking there are a lot of people causing the drama and they don't realize it.

 

For instance, our good friends were at the club this summer and told us they had invited a "new" couple. So, I french kissed her (as usual) and told her to have fun! The other couple saw the kissing, and got jealous. We weren't planning to do anything with our friends or intrude in any way. We were simply showing affection when leaving, just like we would any night. We really wished them a good time with their new guests. Well, the new guests continued to get angry the rest of the night because this couple is very popular, and lots of people were coming over and kissing them. Hee, hee, hee, so the newbies showed their ass and stormed off. The husband wrote them an email informing them that he didn't think they were ready for the LS.

 

Another couple we know were cursed out by a couple that we also know (both of us attended their house parties) because they weren't spending enough time with them. They went out with other couples. Oh the horror!!!

 

You see, I don't think either of these couples realize they were causing "drama." They were just being possessive of "their" playmates.

 

We tend to avoid possessive people like the plague, and will tell you if you meet us that we are not monogamous to you and we won't be contacting you on a regular basis. The occasional email, "hey how ya doing, wanna play this weekend" is different.

 

So, what is "drama" to you? Maybe those who are causing it can learn before they cause it again.

 

Mrs. D

[JW n Laci 15]

You see, I don't think either of these couples realize they were causing "drama." They were just being possessive of "their" playmates.

They were both possessive and dramatic, they could have been possessive without the drama. That's my opinion anyway.

Both possessiveness and drama are wrong but they're also separate from each other.

I also thnk that people who act this way know they are being dramatic, they just feel they have the right (for lack of a better word) to act that way at that time.

 

I avoid those type of people.

[des1re06 200]

True, I'm looking for more examples of "drama" so those who cause it can learn from it.

 

Mrs. D

[good times 991]

You covered the biggie for us, we know a lot of people, so when we go to the club we have the same thing happen that your friends did, and we have had this happen several times with new couples. Twice I have even had a woman break out in tears because, "I wasn't paying enough attention to her" too much drama.

 

The other biggie for us that is too much drama is when we go to play with a couple and they both aren't on the same page, rules wise, and one or both end up getting pissed off by something that the other one does, spoiling the fun. In the bedroom playing with another couple is not the time to be working out your limits.

[WesternSwing 504]

Again, I think jealousy is the big drama situation, especially with some newbie couples or those using swinging to "fix" a broken or dying relationship and all it does is cause more problems between them and they drag others into their unwittingly.

 

The other is couples that are not on the same page, or have to many rules. Somehow, someway, during the evening someone is going to get their feel-bad's hurt when the other breaks a rule or steps over the boundaries, especially when the other couple isn't clued-in on them.

 

Then the next thing you know, the husband is laying on a lawn a few houses down throwing a tantrum like a 5-year old. True story.

 

Mr. WS

[Darkblue 55]

We dont like the drama and sofar its happended to us for a few times and we dont like it, heres one of our tales..

We know a Brit couple (very nice they are) they are an experienced swinger couple and we had some fun with them at a club afterwards we were sat at the bar having a drink ect, when Susanne(my Wife) say some friends and she went to say hello and after a few minutes i said i would be back in a minute or two as i wanted to say hello as well, well after about ten minutes i returned and he was chatting up the bar maid which was ok with us and i said "aha i see your chatting up the barmaid!! cant say i blame you she is cute" to which he replied well Susanne isnt taking much notice so i might as well. it tuns out they wanted our full attention and was pissed off because they wont get that as we know far too many at the club we go to and we do not think that anyone has exclusive rights over us or over what we do., so now the wife has decided fine if thats the way they want it, she will now not play with then.i do agree with her and this kind of drama we dont need.

Same as being asked if i had fallen in love with another guys wife because we were flirting over MSN such drama is only caused by newbies or those who have their own issues..but thats another tale..

 

Steve

[Pepper & Drew 384]

Drama comes in many forms. We were on vacation and met a couple that we thought was great. On the second night, during some playing, she apparently felt that her hubby was paying too much attention to another woman. That led to a big finger-pointing, lawyer-calling, scene-causing fight between the two of them. We later found out that they were on the verge of divorce and that they started swinging to "fix" their relationship. Gee, thanks.

 

Pretty much, if there are tears, finger pointing, or someone has to be carried out not of their own power, that spells drama for us.

 

Pepper

[ShellyM 0]

Yes its unfortunate but the vast majority of couples we have met are pains in the asses lol. I don't know why, but its true. We have attempted to be more pro-active in both our profile and how we talk with people. We do not have the "no drama" clause in our profile, but it is absolutely succinct and clear that we will not put up with couples that do not know why they are here or do not know if they want to be here. I simply do not have the patience for it. When I think of drama and possessiveness I agree that they are 2 separate issues. Drama are issues that the couple has within themselves. Jealousy, feeling threatened, body image issues, etc. all fall in that category. Possessiveness is when you find a great couple. No issues, no drama, both attractive, you click. To me its only natural that you want to cleave onto that couple (because the pickings are so slim usually LOL). I do not think people do this maliciously but because they truly have fun with you and don't want to share lol.

[Tia Vampire 167]

We heard about this couple in a group that we were in that like to try to break up couples just to say they caused it and then blame it on the couple. After a few parties, we seen this to be true and we quit that group. So for us drama is, of course jealousy, possession, and those that just like to show their ass in a crowd. You get that alot with people that like to be watched. We avoid them big time too. They seem to be the problems at other parties that we have gone to. Instead of explaining that they like to be watch and not touched or hit on, they always show their ass.

[DBL D 120]

Hi Des1re06,

 

Well, we know what drama is and I must say that we probably have caused our fair share of it too. Always a little embarrassed when that realization strikes home.

 

So, having been on that side of it, I would say that there is a time when you might want to pull the other couple aside, together or separately, and let them know how things work. If they are a nice couple and look like they are just going through growing pains, I would give them a break. If they are a couple using swinging to repair their marriage, it is a no go. Just like any of ones rules, you can't really argue with them about it, but you can try to direct them so they know that what they are doing isn't what most are looking for in a couple.

 

Play time should be fun. Go to a horror movie if you want drama.

 

Male D

[ShellyM 0]

Well in fairness, a certain amount of "drama" is to be expected from a new couple. For instance, if Jay and I know we are going to be a couple's first play couple we go in expecting not to swap. Things are moved at a much slower pace and pretty at their comfort levels. However! When I get annoyed is when a couple professes not to have drama, or that they are experienced. Then your panties are at your ankles and all hell breaks loose. I do agree with D...but from our experience people get embarassed and defensive when you talk to them about their drama. So usually we will stop all play and go from there.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

Hi Des1re06,

 

Well, we know what drama is and I must say that we probably have caused our fair share of it too. Always a little embarrassed when that realization strikes home.

We humbly admit that we too might have been the source of "drama" from time to time. Not for the reasons described in these recent responses but maybe others. Sometimes we don't even know what we've done wrong. But we have also learned to shrug it off. We always strive to be sensitive to people's feelings but we work under the belief that we're all adults and this is not a high-school dance.

 

Example of drama enacted in our presence -- woman breaks into tears, pleads with her husband, "I can't do this. I'm sorry, I just can't do this."

 

Example of drama we've precipitated -- We meet a couple on a Friday evening. On Saturday morning their on-line profile has been changed to read, "We quit." Don't think we will even know what happened.

[pervgeeks 119]

Our ideas of drama:

 

1. Possessiveness. Please. I have my husband and he has me. We are the ones in love and in a relationship. We owe playmates respect and honesty, not some sort of exclusivity.

 

2. Breaking our boundaries. My husband is strait and although not homophobic, he's not into sex with men. He has no curiousity either and we are clear about it, but he has been hit on by more than one "strait" guy. Not into pain, pushiness, unsafe sex either.

 

3. People who don't communicate together.

 

4. People who lie, are posers, or just generally phoney about their preferences or are just general fakers all together.

[Vjklander 138]

And they wonder why I'm the strong silent type.

[des1re06 200]

try to break up couples just to say they caused it and then blame it on the couple.

 

This is just plain wrong! Somebody is going to end up hurting these two, and they're going to deserve it.

 

the vast majority of couples we have met are pains in the asses lol

 

Awww, that's too bad. Didn't you say you're moving out of that area soon? Hopefully, your new area will have some fun couples.

 

 

Mrs. D

[havefuninsun 122]

Hi D,

 

I believe as you do; people don't know that they are the cause of drama. A friend recently said that she has decided to stay away from couples who have "no drama" in their profile because those are the couples she has issues with -- LOL! She's a smart girl; she knows that's not true. But funny nonetheless.

 

I also don't think it's fair to blame all drama on "newbies" -- we met a couple once who's husband had claimed to have a lot of past group experiences ... back in the day. His wife was bi and hadn't been with a woman in a while. We went back to their place, and was having fun until Mr. Husband saw Mr. Fun with his wife, and she was having a good time. All of the sudden, Mr. Husband says, "ok -- we need to stop. I think you guys need to get dressed and go." Huh? So, we started getting dressed. Mr. Husband comes back in the room we were in and said that his wife got freaked out. From where Mr. Fun and I were sitting, it looked as though HE got freaked out. We got an email the next day saying that they didn't think swinging was for them; he said that he didn't think we all could hang out together, "considering the circumstances." They have moved from our area, but they still have an active account on SLS and I see him on IM occasionally.

 

We still don't know really what happened, but I think the guy got freaked out seeing his wife with another man.

 

Did these people try to cause drama? I don't think so. Do they think they caused any drama? I doubt it. And we were the "newbie" couple at that time. We've chalked it up to one of those weird experiences ...

[WesternSwing 504]

I believe as you do; people don't know that they are the cause of drama. A friend recently said that she has decided to stay away from couples who have "no drama" in their profile because those are the couples she has issues with -- LOL! She's a smart girl; she knows that's not true. But funny nonetheless.

Actually, we've found it to be true more often than not.

 

Mr. WS

[cuzzeyesaidso 31]

I'm not quite sure how we do it, but we keep meeting the ladies who are in the lifestyle to get things from other men that they can't get from their husbands....like SEX.

[socolais 696]

I don't have any playmate drama stories to relay which sometimes makes me wonder....

 

Our strategy for minimizing our exposure to drama is to play with experienced couples - no, it's not a perfect solution, but it has worked so far.

 

In one of my recent comments I mentioned that I'd be concerned (red flag) about potential playmates if they had a hangup about separate room play. Everyone tries to make a good first impression by intentionally not disclosing our character weaknesses and insecurities. I see hangups about playtime as indications of potential drama just waiting to be triggered. If we decided to play with a couple that has told us about their hangups, I think I'd be careful to be extra communicative hoping to avoid triggering any insecurities and fostering a good time.

 

Each of us are a walking source of potential drama in proportion to our emotional baggage of insecurities. Sometimes our actions invoke drama in others by triggering their sensitivities, and other times, we may play the leading role. I think we use drama to subconsciously make a change in the course of events when we feel victimized for whatever reason.

 

Some folks need constant attention to feel good about themselves and when we deprive them of the spotlight, they feel victimized and respond in a manner that is likely to draw attention. I've observed that folks who tend to dominate a conversation have a higher probability of being in this camp.

 

I've also observed folks that enjoy triggering dramatic episodes in others and thereby assuming the role of the innocent victim - "WE didn't do anything, THEY just blew up".

 

So, I think we can't completely avoid drama especially with a hobby as "trigger rich" as swinging. My best hope is to effectively deal with the situation and minimize the scaring.

[Alura 2,774]

We've only had one "drama experience" which was when the other wife got emotional because she thought her husband was having way too much fun with Mrs. Alura. She may have been right because her husband came by a few days later and said he'd like to continue to see Mrs. Alura without his wife knowing.

 

We showed him how to use our front door to exit. We haven't seen them since and that was probably twenty years ago.

 

Mr. Alura

[4Beauty2C 17]

We had "drama" one time when we were at a swing club. We met a couple and little did we know that she enjoyed the Mrs. more and everytime her boyfriend would touch the Mrs. this woman would flip out and make a scene. She wanted the Mrs. all to herself. We finally told the couple that we did not want to cause anymore issues so we left.

[verizon1203 15]

People start “drama” for many reasons. In my experience it’s because they need attention. They start the drama there name is always out there.

 

Liars are a big part of this also. I just went through this with someone that I don’t even know. He was spreading rumors about me because he was I assume jealous of my relationship with a couple. I know assuming can make an a** out of me, but I can’t figure out what else it could have been.

[Guest screaminggood]

I think all the posts are getting to the root of the cause for most of the drama: people who like to be the center of attention have a very hard (no pun intended) time being naked and not being the center of attention. I also think it's the same old thing about the difficulties of finding couples where the mix is right. My hubby and I have talked a lot about how many beautiful women have older, less attractive men...so I like her, my hubby likes her, she likes us, but what to do with the extra? We've talked a lot about going either to FF interactions or limiting ourselves to threesomes to avoid the DRAMA.

[Menage_a_Trois 182]

For me it very simple - anything in the lifestyle that gives me a headache.......

 

The Other Mrs. Menage

[rpu3 630]

In 1964, Justice Potter Stewart tried to explain what is obscene by saying, "I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be embraced . . . ut I know it when I see it . . ."

 

His analysis works for me as to defining drama. I can't really explain it, but I sure know it when I see it. And I try to avoid it, and watch myself to make sure I'm not one of those people that is unknowingly a source of drama. You never know, so I just try to know myself and listen to gut when dealing with others.

[Tybee Swing 286]

Drama are issues that the couple has within themselves. Jealousy, feeling threatened, body image issues, etc. all fall in that category.

 

I agree, and this kind of drama seems to be what we tend to run into. A close relative of the body image issue is the performance anxiety issue. In our age bracket, we run into this a lot with the men. Under the body image category, I've run into a lot of men with penis size issues. One was so dramatic that even after they'd been around the lifestyle for a few years, he had still yet to penetrate a woman in swinging only because he thought his was too small. He was probably the most dramatic of any we've run into so far.

 

We've been fortunate to not have had to deal with the unwilling spouse bursting into tears (but we really screen for that), and the couples in it for the wrong reasons, like fixing a marriage on the rocks. None of the couples we've met have had any kind of meltdown or fight (we count ourselves lucky for that).

 

So for us drama is, of course jealousy, possession, and those that just like to show their ass in a crowd. You get that alot with people that like to be watched. We avoid them big time too. They seem to be the problems at other parties that we have gone to. Instead of explaining that they like to be watched and not touched or hit on, they always show their ass.

 

If a couple is having sex and others come up and start touching them uninvited while they're fully engaged, and they don't like that, this isn't drama to me. I think it's really impolite for people to go up and start handling others without a crystal clear invitation to do so. They're probably pissed that they're being distracted and have to stop what they're doing to give an explanation, so they might respond in a pissy way and just say "NO", especially if they believe in the unspoken rule of "ask first before you start touching". They might feel violated and they're just reacting. I doubt that they want to show their ass, but having people come up and just start in on them caused them to.

 

I also think it's the same old thing about the difficulties of finding couples where the mix is right. My hubby and I have talked a lot about how many beautiful women have older, less attractive men...so I like her, my hubby likes her, she likes us, but what to do with the extra? We've talked a lot about going either to FF interactions or limiting ourselves to threesomes to avoid the DRAMA.

 

I understand what you mean about one being attractive and the other not. I wouldn't think of this as "drama" though. The guy who happens to be older and not as attractive as his wife isn't being dramatic, he's just not attractive to you.

 

I'm thinking that "drama" almost doesn't mean anything in the lifestyle, because it's defined so many different ways. A lot of things that others might call drama, I wouldn't call it that at all...such as someone being less attractive than their spouse.

[SCcpl40 74]

Drama to us can come in different ways, couples who want to be exclusive, both spouses not being on the same page, or the worst case scenario, being at a house party with a couple who thinks everyone there is open season.

[Tia Vampire 167]

Tybee swing, these people that i'm talking about are not even swinging. They are playing pool, posted against the wall, or wife is putting on a strip tease show on the pole. Guys go up to watch the the wife and when the song finishes, the husband yells out, "ok guys, show over" and pulls his wife over to where he is standing. He is a nice looking dude with muscle and a bold head. She is skin and bone and average looking. They just like to be watched. They don't want anyone talking to them or touching them.

 

One time I was sitting out by the hot tub and over heard this couple talking about this same couple. The wife was saying what a bitch the wife of said couple was. She (woman in hot tub) went up to her ( wife of said couple)to introduce herself and wife of said couple she blew her off.

 

The last time they were at the club, no one watched her dance and no one talked to them. We have not seen them out to the club for about three to four months now. It was said that they only come out to the club to have sex with each other because they have five children at home. Dunno and don't care. They were not our type anyway. They were too stuck up and never came to the club with smiles on their faces.

[ShellyM 0]

We have never run into one at that extreme, but I can agree that some women want to be the attention grabbers. Not good or bad, just a fact. We were dancing at a local club once and this lady just HAD to be the center of attention. Which is cool, we all have our thing. Only she was on my last nerve because she was on the pole doing this lean back thing and kept almost knocking people over that were dancing. The best way to deal with people like that are to act like you don't see them and give them the attention they crave....after being ignored she went and sat down at her table.

[des1re06 200]

It was said that they only come out to the club to have sex with each other because they have five children at home.

 

Unfortunately, this is what's starting to happen with the swing clubs, as far as we can see. It's really cheaper in the long run. They get a disco, free setups (at some), get to bring their own booze, and a place to have sex. All this for around $60 per couple. How much would it cost to go out to a vanilla club and then get a room after at a motel? Probably alot more, which is why couples who are ok with being watched may be going to the swing clubs.

 

Mrs. D

[Greg & Sheryl 368]

In our local party scene, we occasionally see drama that comes from an inability to shrug off negative experiences. As party organizers, it's quite common for people to email us and say, "Is so-and-so going to be there? Because if he/she is, then I don't want to be there." We hate getting caught in the middle of petty disagreements when all we're trying to do is provide people with opportunities to play.

 

We understand that people aren't always going to click in this lifestyle, but it doesn't make sense for us to resort to dropping out of parties just to avoid someone you didn't get along with. There are plenty of other people to meet and greet at a party, and even if you do find yourself face-to-face with your would-be or former playmate, a mature adult should know how to be polite in that situation. There is no one in this lifestyle, not even Sheryl's ex-husband, for whom we would miss a good swing party.

 

Furthermore, we don't understand it whenever a couple acts like it's the end of the world whenever an experience doesn't go the way they hoped. It's only sex! Just get over it and more on.

[prettylady 221]

OK we have a new couple to swinging in an enviroment they are not use too. Probably nervous, scared, unsure of what is going on. And you question their reaction when the people who they figured where going to introduce them to a new experience leaves them feeling alone and probably left out. And this new couple is in the wrong for reacting a way that is "normal" to the only reality they have known.

 

You guys laugh and dismiss newbies because they are possesive and clingy.

Think about the last time you were scared or nervous, swinger related or otherwise. Did you not look to someone for safety and comfort.

The veteran couple who brought the newbies to the club should have given them ALOT OF FAIR WARNINGS and be somewhat understanding of how they must have been feeling.

 

Newbies make mistakes with drama because they are unaware of how overwhelming these situations can be.

I don't think you should be giving them a hard time. If they are a great couple who is not on the verge of a divorce then you should have maybe helped them get their feet wet rather then coming here and making your own drama about the situation.

 

My first time in a swing bar, scratch that my first two times in a swing bar the couple was aware of my nervousness and took it upon themselves to make sure I was ok. They after all invited us to go with them into thier world, a world I have never been apart of. Thanks to thier care and concern of me, we now have a great relationship and even better sex, plus I enjoy and understand the club scene. I still have some nervousness with it, but I am getting better.

 

Drama completed

Your friend,

Prettylady:kissface:

[ShellyM 0]

PL, you are correct; it is overwhelming to new people; when I get frustrated is when people who claim to be experienced have issues...or when they fight openly in public. Its very uncomfortable, politeness states you have to act like you do not hear it. We simply do not get much time out and I hate it when that precious time away from work, kids and regular life is wasted by a bickering ass couple. And y'all are right; its just sex. But I do also expect people to attempt to act like adults.

[havefuninsun 122]

I don't appreciate being around bickering couples no matter what their flavor. Even having an afternoon to ourselves, a meeting a friend or two for a drink is such a treat; if someone ended up fighting, that would just be a downer.

 

Generally speaking, it's just not a good idea to put people into general categories. We've all had experiences that dictate our initial reaction. If someone has a bad issue with a newby couple, when they meet another one, their first reaction may be "uh oh -- here we go again" but in truth, any couple could have a bad day/night.

 

Like someone said in another thread, all this tells us is that everyone's perceptions are as different as their experiences. I think that's why D phrased the question "what does drama mean to YOU" -- very very interesting perspectives!!

[lustylearning 705]

Drama is the result of not running for the freaking hills when you see a red flag. We're learning...

[Thron&Thor 117]

Hmmm...drama...we have seen couples show up where one of the two was obviously forced to come to the party by the other and intends to make all of us unhappy...drunken stupors of insulting their partner in front of others...one partner becoming totally possessive of a partner of another couple with no regard for the other partners at all...single guys slapping their big johnsons around as to herd the women with fright...single guys on the dance floor dancing to themselves as if in a trance of the "chicken with no head" pushing their uninvited way in between couples..."jack rabbit thrusting" with no end...and the classic, "I can't cum if you are watching me so go away".

 

Otherwise, the drama we like is lots of verbal feedback which obviously means this is good!!!