If he can fuck other women, why can't I fuck other men?

[Guest Unregistered]

I have a problem I hope to get some advice on. We have been swinging - if you could call it that - for a couple of years. During that time we have other women into our bedroom 6 times. I would like to have a another man or couple join us at some point but my husband will not even talk about it. I feel I'm being left out and that he just wants to play with other woman.

 

Don't get me wrong because I like our play with other woman and I like it when he has fun but I feel I should have the opportunity to have other men as well. If he can fuck other women, why can't I fuck other men? He won't even discus it except when we are having sex. When I bring it up any other time he gets jealous and says he could not handle me being with another man, not even if it is with another couple.

 

Please tell me what to do about this. Do you think he is being unreasonable? Am I being unreasonable? What can I say to him?

[Chicup 42]

Perhaps you should have had this conversation 6 women ago.

 

Of course he wants to fuck other women, that's what 99% of men would want.

 

He's not a swinger, hes a guy who gets to have a threesome with his wife and someone else. Inviting another guy into it can be intimidating to a man.

 

We started with couples so we could each be directly involved for our first time, I'd try that angle, but its possible that he won't be open to anything.

[ShellyM 0]

I absolutely agree; if you are doing only FMFs for him its absolutely your turn. Just as the other threads have said, in my opinion its simply not fair that your husband is getting his cake and eating it too. I would suggest talking with him immediately. If he cannot compromise and allow you to enjoy the lifestyle exactly as he has I would stop all swinging activity until he can be fair to you and your needs as you have been to his.

[safireblues 106]

This is the perfect example of how lots of straight men are fine with bi-activity for him and the wife (even if he's just watching), but are NOT ok with wife fucking another dude.

[Pierced-n-Proud 16]

Marriage is a 2 way street with everything. Swinging amplifies any difficulty in a marriage because it effects the very core of relationship values. Communication is very important and he really does need to talk it through with you, not just clam up. I would cease all swinging activities until you can resolve this. Jealousy is a real issue, probably more for men as society tend to make men believe that their wives are posessions (and they are not!!). When my wife and I started swinging there was some jealousy on my part but when I saw the pleasure my wife experienced that outwieghed the jealousy and it is no longer an issue. BUT talk it through first. If you are truely in an equal relationship, then Hubby should respect your needs as much as you do his. I'd hold off until you sorted it out. It would help if you could hook up with a couple where the male openly shows his love and respect for his partner (and also his playmate). Such couples are difficult to find but "you never find your gold on a sandy beach"

Good luck!

[Swing*8701 887]

Ed here-- Why do people agree to an unequal sexual environment, then complain about it. Swinging is about getting what you both want, if not, you're better off not doing it. And this is just my opinion, the ole ' I could never see you with another guy' story is quite disengenuous from an adult male who fucks other women in plain sight of you.

[Reef99 30]

If your spouse can not be fair and treat you equal when it comes to the LS. I don't think you belong in the LS.

[crazycatz 17]

It's one thing to enter the LS to fulfill a certain fantasy or two (i.e. some couples want MFFS and no play with other men or vice versa and thats fine if thats what both parties want) but if you didnt express your wishes before you started this and went ahead and agreed to play with others on his terms then, in some ways, that's your own fault. Sorry to be harsh here but you should be doing this on BOTH of your terms. Stop playing and start talking.

[lovinher 505]

What a joke!!!! This really sounds like a play off the post,"Straight Female in the lifestyle " Let's all go unregistered and post a spoff of the other thread. Sounds like somebody got a little pissed on the reply's. So let's turn the table and say FMF instead of MFM. Then let's throw in the comment we oly talk during sex. Since the last one was when she only talked when she was drinking. So the advice of don't talk when you drink. So I guess we should all be idiots and say since she only talks during sex we should advise to stop having sex. How fucking stupid are you.. Lets face it here the way you typed and put things in your post. Am I to believe that you used all lower case i's to make it look like somebody else... Hmmmmm, NOT Just so funny how the Bi(lesbian) women were brought in a negative aspect that all of a sudden this post would come out. Then used a unregistered guess to post.... Oh, boy, oh boy........ Shit happens move on.........

 

JAY!!!

 

redbullanonymous.com::P:

 

You could be right but I think this is more common than you think (both ways).

 

Do you like it so much that you can't stop the female play? Maybe if you do he will see your side of it then. Getting him here might help him understand.

[safireblues 106]

Ed here-- Why do people agree to an unequal sexual environment, then complain about it. Swinging is about getting what you both want, if not, you're better off not doing it. And this is just my opinion, the ole ' I could never see you with another guy' story is quite disengenuous from an adult male who fucks other women in plain sight of you.

 

I totally agree with this.

[sweet_tna 680]

Ed said it all. If he's doing other women in front of you, he shouldn't be complaining about not being okay with you having another man around. If you want the situation to change, then stop letting other women into your sex life ('till you sort it out).

[JTcamp05 9]

Why don't you tell him the same "rules" apply to him...... & untill he is open to fair play there will be no play...

 

Kinda think that will wake him up!!

[daisy girl 34]

Mmmm...this does not sound like swinging to me. It sounds like an unequal relationship where one party is having his fantasies fulfilled and the other is not. Please reevaluate your needs and how this imbalance is making you feel.

[Rascal 17]

I can completely understand the feeling he has.... not to say that I share those feelings... I just completely understand his not wanting to share you with other guys but completely willing to be shared with other females. That was the agreement in the beginning... wasn't it? Did he ever say that eventually we'd do 4sums? or a MFM 3sum?.... My impression is No! That he talked you into doing a FMF 3sum and you ... for whatever reason wanted to do it ..... either for him... or because you thought you'd like to explore your own sexuality in that regard? I have no way of knowing... but intuitively know that you've both lived up to the original agreements..... only now you want to hold it over his head and say that he should now do something that he doesn't want to do.... even though he had made it clear from the beginning that he didn't want to do it. Isn't this sort of a blackmail? In the swinging world we should all try to do what "we" want to do .... even if we're doing it for the other person... isn't it in reality for us? We derive pleasure from doing what we do.... if we don't derive pleasure from it.... we stop!

[bbwcouple38 15]

When my husband and I first got into the LS we both agreed that he would have no contact with the other women. I couldn't handle seeing him with another woman ans he said he didn't want to. But yet he loved to watch me with another woman and do me while I pleasured her. And he loved to see me with another man. He said it was about me being pleasured.

The key is to talk about it before you start in he LS. If he is not ok with you being with another man then maybe you guys should take a break until he can be. But then again, he may never be ok with it.

 

Rascal said it all!!! I totally agree! Well said

[shes_in_parties 22]

You know, we had the same rule as OP for a while (and the inverse of bbwcouple38 above). I wasn't ready to see her with another guy and we only had 2 real 3somes where I fucked other women. She said she enjoyed watching me having fun, and didn't want other men. When I finally got over myself and watched her with another guy, it was exciting AND jealousy-inducing at first, but the second part quickly faded away. I realize now I wasn't being entirely fair and I'm glad she accommodated me, but it's so much better watching your wife in her own porno!

 

Here's what I suggest - play with some other couples on a girls-play-and-guys-watch-and-fuck-their-own-girl basis for a bit. At some point you'll find a couple you both feel ok enough with to move forward.

[lookingfornow 116]

I think the basic answer to your question is because that was not a part of the deal that you each made when you first decided to start playing with others.

 

I acknowledge that the rule seems one-sided and unfair. But, you apparently did not insist upon the option of playing with other men when you first started playing with other women (and allowed him to join in, too). It is unclear what he might have said if you had insisted upon the right to play with other men as a condition to bringing another woman into your bedroom. It seems likely that you were as interested in playing with other women as he was, else why would you agree to the one way rule. If you had insisted upon a two way arrangement, he might not have agreed.

 

How or why the unequal arrangement came about, I don't think it is fair to paint him as the bad guy. If you wanted equal participation rights, you should have insisted upon them from the beginning. If you don't like him playing with other women, then stop bringing them into your bedroom. If you enjoy women and don't mind sharing them with him, then continue with your current arrangement. But, don't think that your willingness to share women with him should necessarily mean that he must be willing to share you with other men.

[magnum 78]

I would say that your huaband is being unreasonable...Plan and simple...

[Texasfuncouple 69]

What you describe does not sound like swinging at all!

[jimnjan 16]

You're right, it is unfair. You need to make him talk about it to you. Tell him no more other women until/unless he's going to be fair. Otherwise, this could lead to a breakdown of your marriage. Your marriage should be more important to him than the other women, if not, you have your answer.

[Rascal 17]

yes, what they described wasn't really what you'd call swinging... it could have been a nice start to a swinging lifestyle but it never made it all the way. Swinging isn't for everyone.... and if she managed to force the issue and found out later that he just couldn't take the knowledge that she would like having sex with other guys. Then their marriage would suffer! I would suggest that they spend a little time talking between themselves.... and try to understand each others motivations and desires.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

Just curious, who sets up these playdates with the other women?

[sexkitten1203 15]

At the beginning, were threesomes with other women the only thing brought up?

 

Ok, PLEASE don't flame me or think I am an insensitive, selfish ass, BUT...

 

Just because she is OK with him playing with other women does NOT obligate him to be OK with her playing with other men, no matter what the situation is. If her fantasy is to play with other men, that's great. Even better she is open about it. But again, just because she is OK with him and other women, why should he be expected to be OK with the reverse?

I agree maybe they should have talked in depth before anything ever happened. Maybe they did, I don't know. Maybe she is just recently having these desires, I don't know.

 

In my opinion, if this is a problem for her, they just need to quit this lifestyle all together. If she can not come to terms with him not being OK with something, and he is not OK with her doing said activity, who is to say who is right? Sex is sex, yes. But they ARE different situations. I can't sit here and basically call the guy selfish, like it seems so many other people have, and not the the same about the original poster, because NEITHER are OK with each others wishes. One of them needs to give. And it can either be the girl, who won't get another guy, or the guy, who very well may believe that serious damage may be done if they do invite another guy. Personally, between fantasy and relationship, I'd say pick the relationship. And if you believe that you LETTING him play with other women basically means that you expect him to be OK with you and other men... that's not what it's all about.

[thedreamyone 15]

Okay why are you unable to talk to him unless your having sex with him? I don't understand why your letting him bring other woman in to your bed when he don't want to even consider you having another man..What's good for the Goose is good for the Gander..If he don't see it that way then you two deffently need to take a break from the hole situations then..Then set down and talk to each other without the promise of sex or sex involed..If either one of you cannot come to an agreement of what you want out of the Lifestyle then just step out until you both can..

[jackanddianetn 15]

I totally agree with all of the posts....we started out with fmf..it was great...but then we decided to go to couples...he is totally ok with having me with another man...he said it turned him on to see me enjoy myself with another man..he didnt think he would at first but he said just the look on my face was enough to convince him...if you two are totally in love with each other and know nothing will break that up then there is no problem...just sounds like he wants to be with other women and that way you cant say he is cheating on you cause you are sharing them...I would have a quick talk with him...

[willyoats 324]

My wife had an affair quite early in the marriage. That was actually OK with me because we had agreed quite early on that if we had a good opportunity to fool around, we should go for it. She was successful and I wasn't. Her affair really turned me on, and sex between us actually improved a lot because of that. However, she said that she would never do it again because the sneaking around was too stressful.

 

Many years later, I wanted to start fooling around, and swinging was a good way to avoid the "sneaking around" problem. She didn't care much about having other guys because, as far as she was concerned, our sex life was just fine. So, she seemed quite indifferent to the idea, but said it was OK for me to go fuck as many other women as I wanted. I thought that meant we might go to clubs where I could get the girl and she would sit around flirting, dancing and such while waiting for me. One night while we were talking about getting started she said, "What's good for the goose is good for the gander."

 

From then on it was clear that she was going to screw as much as I was. It's not that she particularly wanted other guys, but as long as I was getting laid, she was going to enjoy some attention, too. Fair enough.

 

The moral: she has always had the backbone to say what she wants and stick to it. That is part of the reason that she is such a delightful partner; there is never any doubt about where she stands on a subject. No waffling, no holding back.

 

I strongly recommend that any woman whose husband is screwing around and who, herself, wants to fuck other men should stand up and tell the old man to suck it up. Playing the part of the victim is not pretty, is not healthy, and will not have a good outcome. If you don't stand up for what you need or want, you won't get it.

[incommunicado 228]

Sex with women in a threesome is still "real sex" with someone other than your partner. To say "he got to fuck other women but doesn't want me to fuck other men ("did I fuck the women too? Well, yeah sure, but it wasn't a man with a penis going in me so that doesn't count!"), is not a realistic or acceptable argument. Certainly not from the point of view of fairness and balance, when you are bi-sexual.

 

This isn't about balance, this is about what you want, and balance doesn't have to be a part of it. You can be clear about what you want, but if you are bi and you both enjoy sex with other women, then you are both getting some and it's OK for him to not be comfortable with you having sex with other men.

[mrandmsxx 15]

MsXX here.

 

Let me start by saying I don't have experience with swinging. MrXX and I are more the exhibitionist/voyeur types. What I do have to say is this.

 

From your post it seems clear that you guys discovered the lifestyle together, which leads me to believe you had the traditionally 1 man 1 woman relationship. The natural process of humans is to evolve. Our intelligence, aspirations and desires all evolve over time. I can completely understand why you would not ask to play with men when you started out. I personally don't have any desire to play with anyone but Mr. XX. Although I don't foresee that desire changing, I may evolve further. After all I NEVER thought I would get so hot fucking in front of anyone!! But I do.

 

I realize your post is months old, and I hope it has worked out well for the two of you. If I were in your situation, I would have a talk with hubby and explain that at one time your only desire was to be with him. Then I'd point out that eventually changed to include playing with other women. I'd say that watching him enjoy himself so much made me fantasize about doing the same, and that my desires have evolve as well. I would not present an ultimatum saying my way or no play, unless being denied my desire made me resentful of him enjoying his. I would then ask him what exactly he would be jealous of, what fears he may not be expressing. If you address his fears and insecurities he may be willing to dip his toe in the pool of your desire and reap the benefits

[Rascal 17]

Hmmmmm, sounds like dangerous advice? She stands up for what she thinks she wants but possibly finds out that such action puts her marriage at risk? She should talk to him... and if they can't agree... then they need to stop!

[shymxcpl 71]

The short answer is... because you don't want to.

If you did, you'd go out and do it regardless of what he thinks. If he's doing it and he doesn't want to discuss any of your feelings on the subject, why should you give him so much power. You are obviously NOT swingers and don't have a good relationship.

[bendmeovernow 17]

I have always wondered why some wives are okay with their men letting them play with others but not getting to play themselves... be it a wife that can't play with other men because the husband doesn't like it, or the wife that can't deal with seeing their man with another woman... it's all the same to me. I don't approve of people that will share to a point like that... it's like what the fuck.... sorry bout the cursing... but it's like okay... if we see you at a club my husband can fuck you... but i can't touch your man. or vice versa...

 

Sorry, I'm being harsh... and I'm sure it works for some... but I just don't get it... same with soft swinging... why do it? Your just going to end up frustrating someone in the process.

[bendmeovernow 17]

Sorry, I didn't answer the question... hehehe. If your not happy with it anymore... then you need to have a talk with him and stop inviting people in the bedroom till he see's how it's not equal treatment and not what you want anymore.

[horneinmo 15]

Selfish individual...you got hosed on the "swinging"...

[jdavisauto 73]

Just to let you know real swingers don't get jealous about their spouse. After the sex play is over I go home with my wife and then make LOVE to her and she me. If the play is not both ways then it's call something else, cheating maybe? He cheating on you with you in bed with him with another women!

[jid2008 16]

You are getting screwed, no pun intended. It would be completely unfair to tell my wife I want another woman in my bad, sucking and fucking me, but she can't have what she wants. The very fact that you allow him this with another woman, and he acts on it, is bullshit. Cut him off until you get some new dick. For me, watching my wife go down on another guy was one of the hottest things I have ever witnessed.

 

In a world without STDs, I would absolutely love watching my wife take on about 5 guys at once (if she wanted). It would be like my own live porn!

[bendmeovernow 17]

Well for some that would work... for the wife that has a bi side but has no interest in other men. But for you it's not working. Sooooo, I'd say you need to either tell him it stops till your more equal with it... or if you can't give up the women then he's not aloud to fuck her and she's just for your pleasure. That will either change his mind or show him that hey... this isn't as equal as I thought it was... good luck.

[porcialixxx 15]

Incommunicado, you are so right!! People who claim to be open-minded, and free spirited, love to spew their shit on others, the second they don't understand or like something.

Another reason that I've stayed away so long, I'm shocked, but not surprised...

[shamrocm 15]

You are not swinging, Honey. You are being swung.... Tell him to swing with the "Five Finder Maiden" for a while and see if he doesn't cum around.

[SIR_DRAGONFIRE5 15]

I agree with chicup. I would lay it on the line to him, "What's good for the Goose is good for the Gander"! If he will do this with another couple (M/F) so can have your fun too, I would say to him, NO more swinging for You or for me. Him being jealous, this deal needs to end now. You do not want him flipping out during a swinging place & him beating up the other man & then police are called. Nope, if he can not stop being jealous, this is a no deal! When swinging there's no room for the "Green eyed Monster" of Jealousy to appear, it spells trouble!

[justdoitasu 21]

I think its pretty messed up myself. Have you asked him if there was anything specific about why he wouldnt want you with another guy? I def want my SO to have the best time ever but I also know that i personally wouldnt want my SO w/ a dude so huge he would ruin my little guys favorite playpen.

[sexkitten1203 15]

What is wrong here?? I hope I am reading this wrong, but almost everybody that responds here sounds just unbelievable selfish!

 

Let me get this straight jdavisauto. You are *seriously* stating that just because she is not fucking other guys, the he is cheating on her? In her presence? In their bed? With her consent??? You simply cannot be serious when you say this. She is bi. Obviously she enjoys FMF's, so how is she being cheated on? It just doesn't make any sense.

 

Most people that have responded just say how close-minded the guy is, how selfish he is, whatever. I call bullshit though. It is basically the same way with my relationship. My girl is bi, so we both agreed that FMF's would be a great idea. I was very upfront, and told her that I don't think I can see her with another guy, right now, or possibly ever, only time will tell. Does that make me selfish? No it makes me honest!

 

Let's flip the situation. A girl says she would like to fuck another guy/s, but she is not ok w/ her man doing that. I can bet if a gut wrote in with this same situation reversed, a good amount of the people would be telling him that he is insensitive.

 

Basically, if *BOTH* parties are not ok with it, it SHOULD NOT BE DONE!!!! Who gives a fuck what its' like in your relationship, not everybody's is the same. If both parties enjoy FMF's, then who cares, everybody is having fun!

 

And like a few have said before, if an agreement can't be reached where everybody is happy, then just quit altogether and enjoy each other alone. There is nothing wrong with that!!