Limp Men Ruining Our Fun

[MtnSwing 23]

We're having trouble with limp men ruining our fun. My wife gets bored pretty quickly when we play with another couple if the guy can't get it up. It feels like personal rejection. She's hot (check out our Lifestyle Lounge or AFF profile).

 

Ladies, how do you deal with this? If he can't get it up, she will play with the female partner but she'll cool down towards him.

 

Thanks for your help.

[cuzzeyesaidso 31]

Alot of times it's fear of this type of intollerance that causes the problem. Pressure to perform will cause anxiety in alot of men and they can't get it up. Go easy on the dude.

[ShellyM 0]

LOL. Jay gave me advance notice of this one lol. There are lots of past threads to read original poster on this issue. It is definately an issue in swinging. Y'all thought I was going to go off, huh. LOL.

[MtnSwing 23]

thanks all. I'm the first to admit that I've used some chemical assistance to keep everything working well so I'm not criticizing. We're just looking for advice. We know we need to put up with all kinds of challenges we just want to make the experience better. It also helps her to know that it's not her but more the multitude of other factors that play a role in ED.

 

We just want to make sure that everyone is having fun and I don't want to get off is she's not having the same experience.

 

Cheers.

[Chicup 41]

thanks all. I'm the first to admit that I've used some chemical assistance to keep everything working well so I'm not criticizing. We're just looking for advice. We know we need to put up with all kinds of challenges we just want to make the experience better. It also helps her to know that it's not her but more the multitude of other factors that play a role in ED.

 

We just want to make sure that everyone is having fun and I don't want to get off is she's not having the same experience.

 

Cheers.

 

This is one of those issues I have stayed out of in the past because quite frankly, I wouldn't have believed it was a real issue if I hadn't read so many posts on it, the concept of not getting it up is kinda alien to me. The only time I've come close was when it most definitely was the woman's fault, and I still managed. This isn't to brag, but I don't 'get it' since I've yet to experience it myself. I'm sure some day I'll have my moment and start to do a bunch of post searches myself

 

So while I can't give tested advice on that end of it do tell her its apparently very common and a common complaint for a good number of women in the life style.

 

Maybe one thing that might help is to play earlier. A lot of times it seems the small talk and the sort of timid approach means you don't play until the wee hours of the morning and only after a lot of drinking. So you have someone tired, who even if not sloppy drunk has been drinking all night, in an unfamiliar location.

 

I have to wonder how many limp encounters at 2am would be fine at 10pm.

[des1re06 200]

I have to wonder how many limp encounters at 2am would be fine at 10pm.

 

I agree! The wee hours and drunk make for unsatisfying sex, in most cases. Morning and afternoon can be the best!

[fun4Ds 1,098]

this is a serious thread. is suppose i may even get flamed from some of the women here. but ill take it because its something my wife and i have talked about first.

 

mtnswing, im not implying that you, or your wife are doing anything wrong and it would be interesting to hear how your typical evening is carried out. yes we can relate to a (limpy) effecting your wifes feelings, that she feels it is her. when probably she is not the cause at all . we have been there.

 

 

 

iv had to do some learning on my part, and it may seem wrong. but the differences between men and women having the sexual bond with someone new, is a learning experiance to say the least.

 

this is the part that you are going to look at me and think im cold. im really not. but iv learned that allot of women (not all) but many, bond emotionaly first and sexually second. so that leaves us with a typical meeting.

 

women like to talk about things that seem to give a connection for them with men. that gives a sence of bonding, a trust if you will call it. i understand what some women want here and i can relate. im really not cold.

 

here is a big thing that nocks my dick down.

 

#1 talking about the kids or family! this is something we do allot, mrs.fun can go on and on all night and even bring out pictures. to be honest im a family guy, in fact family first for me. but if we spend a few hours talking about yours and ours... and then want to get nakid.., there you will find me with a big ol limpy. im just not that way, there is no switch that goes from family to fucking mode for me. like i say, we have talked about this and mrs.fun knows that i feel this way. she gets it, when i give signals that we need to change the subject.its hard for her sometimes because this actually is leading to her bonding, that leads to connection, that leads to seeeexxxx

 

lets talk sex, sex and more sex. it may take me a half hour or more now to burn the image of families out of my brain now. ill except that it is (my problem) not mrs.funs or the womans. and im learning to communicate this more without seeming cold.

 

i hope you understand mtnswing where im with on this. and maybe im way off base.

 

would you care to give some insight as to what leads to your typical evening, that ends with dissapointment?

[flutter 15]

i don't expect my man to be hard the entire time. his comes and goes depending on whats happening. we have discovered however, that when playing, he can't put-off cumming, as in getting close and quickly backing off before it happens, but so many times or else he'll "lose it" and won't be able to cum at all. he is a little worried 'cause he know's he's gonna cum too quick,haha i told him not to worry 'bout it. it's to be expected, and i bet some guys have practically cum in their pants lol.

[safireblues 106]

I think that's a really good point fun, but I do think it's a personal thing. Why can't you fuck someone with kids and a family? Parents need love too...! Anyway, I still do totally understand what you're saying.

 

I'm a female and from what I've seen, the penis is greatly influenced by the man's mind. Some men are able to put everything else aside, every worry they have, and be a fuck machine. Those men are rare. Some get stuck in their minds, a sense of worry, something that happened earlier that day, a whole myriad of things.

 

I tend to have that problem myself and it has prevented me from cumming, so I am sensitive to it. As a woman, though, you can't tell how out of it I am, whereas a man's cock is a barometer of his inner feelings (unless he can perform no matter what, and again, those guys are few).

 

What I do with a man in this situation is engage his mind with total filth, dirty talk, making up a scenario he may really like. And then don't worry about whether he gets hard, take all the focus off his dick. Encourage him to finger and lick you, talk dirty to him, pull him back in the moment. 9 times out of 10, this works.

 

Whatever you do, don't get mad at him or pissy, that will never work. And don't take it personally!

[KinkyKat 25]

lets talk sex, sex and more sex. it may take me a half hour or more now to burn the image of families out of my brain now

 

I agree........

 

I am a woman and talking & talking about sex, sex ,sex is more condusive to getting it on, wether it be with my own partner or potential ones ,then talking about anything eles. I love to talk about sex, if I was talking about my kids and family life I wouldn't be turned on either. If the only reason your meeting up is for sex, and you have put time aside for this 'activity' then why not just talk about sex? (even if you like to be friends first, I sure there is plenty of time to talk about family life when your Not wanting to play)

 

I don't thinks that is 'cold' that family talk doesn't get ya horny....I personally wouldn't be either. And I think that you really wouldn't be interupting the bonding&trust thing if you took it upon yourself to change the subject to Sex (it probably would be appreciated!) I also can't see any reason for me to even talk to to any potential play partners about my family in detail. That may seem cold too right? If the whole idea of the get-together is SEX, why get sidetracked? Keep the juices flowing. So like I am a woman and my family has nothing to do with my sex life. I would be more interested to talking to potential play partners how much fun we are gonna have and what turns each of us On and then proceed

 

Therefore in only my opinion. family and sex are not related, so I don't mix'em up.

Playtime not family time.

 

KinkyKat

[JP51 40]

LOL. Jay gave me advance notice of this one lol. There are lots of past threads to read original poster on this issue. It is definately an issue in swinging. Y'all thought I was going to go off, huh. LOL.

 

yep, you did well....you just need to stick to native Texan's; bet your problem with the guys is they are all yankee's ok don't flame me just making a joke according to Shelly she has a "hard time" finding a

[ShellyM 0]

this is a serious thread. is suppose i may even get flamed from some of the women here. but ill take it because its something my wife and i have talked about first.

 

mtnswing, im not implying that you, or your wife are doing anything wrong and it would be interesting to hear how your typical evening is carried out. yes we can relate to a (limpy) effecting your wifes feelings, that she feels it is her. when probably she is not the cause at all . we have been there.

 

 

 

iv had to do some learning on my part, and it may seem wrong. but the differences between men and women having the sexual bond with someone new, is a learning experiance to say the least.

 

this is the part that you are going to look at me and think im cold. im really not. but iv learned that allot of women (not all) but many, bond emotionaly first and sexually second. so that leaves us with a typical meeting.

 

women like to talk about things that seem to give a connection for them with men. that gives a sence of bonding, a trust if you will call it. i understand what some women want here and i can relate. im really not cold.

 

here is a big thing that nocks my dick down.

 

#1 talking about the kids or family! this is something we do allot, mrs.fun can go on and on all night and even bring out pictures. to be honest im a family guy, in fact family first for me. but if we spend a few hours talking about yours and ours... and then want to get nakid.., there you will find me with a big ol limpy. im just not that way, there is no switch that goes from family to fucking mode for me. like i say, we have talked about this and mrs.fun knows that i feel this way. she gets it, when i give signals that we need to change the subject.its hard for her sometimes because this actually is leading to her bonding, that leads to connection, that leads to seeeexxxx

 

lets talk sex, sex and more sex. it may take me a half hour or more now to burn the image of families out of my brain now. ill except that it is (my problem) not mrs.funs or the womans. and im learning to communicate this more without seeming cold.

 

i hope you understand mtnswing where im with on this. and maybe im way off base.

 

would you care to give some insight as to what leads to your typical evening, that ends with dissapointment?

 

All I can say to this is THANK YOU. From my heart I say thank you. You have opened up and allowed me to see what the man is thinking. This is more helpful than you know; I think women get frustrated because we try to analyze what is happening and feel like we don't know what you are thinking....so it must be US. Thank you very, very much for this.

[ShellyM 0]

i don't expect my man to be hard the entire time. his comes and goes depending on whats happening. we have discovered however, that when playing, he can't put-off cumming, as in getting close and quickly backing off before it happens, but so many times or else he'll "lose it" and won't be able to cum at all. he is a little worried 'cause he know's he's gonna cum too quick,haha i told him not to worry 'bout it. it's to be expected, and i bet some guys have practically cum in their pants lol.

 

This is true. I played with a guy like that; they try and hold off cumming and then its pretty much a goner from there. I say if you need to cum, cum...then we'll work on recharge or do something else. But trying to stop the train only throws it off the tracks lol.

[ShellyM 0]

yep, you did well....you just need to stick to native Texan's; bet your problem with the guys is they are all yankee's ok don't flame me just making a joke according to Shelly she has a "hard time" finding a

 

LOL, we're actually yankees LOL. I grew up primarily in Wisconsin and Jay in Pennsylvania.

[Spoomonkey 421]

lets talk sex, sex and more sex. it may take me a half hour or more now to burn the image of families out of my brain now. ill except that it is (my problem) not mrs.funs or the womans. and im learning to communicate this more without seeming cold.

 

This is excellent advice! I am definitely filling this away

 

The are four reasons for my lack of "wood":

 

1. I'm distracted.

 

We had a date once that I probably should have canceled. Earlier in the day, I received some bad news about my mom. I didn't need to go visit her and spoke to her by phone. Everything was going to be okay, but it did shake me up.

 

On top of that, when we did go out - and made our way to a play room, a young college age girl came in, asking in a very assuming voice if she could watch and carrying a camera phone.

 

"Is that a camera phone?" I asked, looking up mid-thrust with my playmate. We were having a great time up until this point. I usually do really well in this area and can put a lot of stuff out of my mind (it's small, easy to empty).

 

"I'm just calling some friends to tell them to come up and watch." She said. "This stuff is cool. Go ahead."

 

"Get the f*ck out," was my response.

 

She looked like she'd never been told "no" in her life. But she did leave. But the damage was done. That, bad family news, I was done... I couldn't get it to work for anything...

 

Granted, that is an extreme case, but it really takes extreme for me to break down. A bad day at work, one too many telemarketers, a TV on the blink... Distraction can creep up at the worst times.

 

2. I've made the mistake and had that extra beer.

 

I like to party when we go out. I have a "beer pace" that I usually stick to pretty well. But most guys know, there is that place where the beer feels good - but that is all the "feel good" you're getting for a while.

 

"Oh, just one more..."

 

Those are the words that sometimes make me go a big rubbery one...

 

This doesn't happen very often to me anymore - because sex is better than beer (unless you're watching football, in which case the opposite is true) - but it has happened.

 

3. There is zero chemistry (i.e. "I'm just not as into you as I thought I was downstairs.")

 

Chemistry is a funny thing. Sometimes you think it is there, but it isn't. You want it to be there - the woman you have talked to may be really, really hot. But sometimes you just miscalculate.

 

That - or somewhere between the dance floor and the condom wrapper hitting the floor, she says something that makes you realize that she really isn't someone you want to be with. Maybe it was something annoyingly political or simply so stupid as to make you feel like you should scream out "Corky!" when you finish.

 

I've never been able to define chemistry, but it is either there or it isn't. And there have been times when I either thought it was or wanted it to be there, but it just wasn't.

 

4. The "snowball" effect.

 

This is the worst - and it really should be filed under "distraction". But here is how it works. I have a night where I am distracted and things don't work. The next week, I have a "too much beer" night. The next week, it is the classic lack of chemistry.

 

There I am - three experiences, and I am starting to feel like maybe I have a problem. I start putting pressure on myself. And here I am - week four - with a woman who is gorgeous, I have a lot of chemistry with, and I really, really want to be with - and inside I am forcing the issue; no longer just letting things go.

 

This is called a slump - and I think all men go through them to some degree.

 

It takes a really awesome playmate to get you out of it. Someone who is playful, understanding and really not a wood-killing, demanding witch...

 

I had one such playmate once. I had gotten to a point after a small streak of not being able to reach orgasm. I was about to throw in the towel and she grabbed my ass, held me inside her and said "not until you cum."

 

That is one of the top three sexiest things I've ever had said to me - and I was able to "man up." No problems with her ever again... Okay - there was a "beer night" recently, but I'm going to have no problem making that up (and wood wasn't the issue).

 

Anyway - that has been my experience...

 

Part Two ( Yeah, this is a long one. I am channeling Intuition, I guess.)

 

I personally think that Mrs Spoo is one of those cool, playful, understanding women that can help a guy along. She understands that these things happen and when the chemistry is right, she doesn't give up on a guy. It may take a time or two, but we both know that great people are worth the investment.

 

This how Mrs Spoo responds to her playmates not getting hard:

 

1. She asks herself, "is there chemistry?"

 

If there isn't - or if he really is just lousy in bed with no potential to get any better - she shrugs it off and moves on. Sometimes, it just isn't worth chasing.

 

But, if there is, like I said above, we know that good friends are tough to find. Why write them off because they had an off day? We have friends who have enough stress in their lives that it makes us wonder how in the world they even have time to see us. They have so much going on - and we understand that.

 

On the other hand, she realizes that being with a new playmate can be an intimidating experience. The first time or two is really about getting to know each other anyway. We had a single female friend who said that she believed the "third time's the charm." According to her theory, it wasn't until the third time that you really start to relax and enjoy your playmate.

 

And that really is true. And it is key. "Relax" - "enjoy" - it can be tough to do that for some guys out of the gate.

 

2. She slows things down and makes things "easily hot".

 

We had one friend who struggled, so Mrs Spoo whispered in his ear (after he had taken care of her a number of times orally) that she wanted him to... Well - I guess that is between her and her playmate - but it was pretty damn hot. It wasn't intercourse, but it did get him off. And just the fact that she took the "fuck me" card off of the table, the guy was able to get where he needed to be and had a good time.

 

It also really helped him relax with her - and he hasn't had any further issues.

 

She's actually a whiz at that. Just make a change or two - maybe it is what you are doing - maybe it is how you are playing - and the next thing you know, everyone is working just fine and having a blast.

 

3. She turns the attention away from her playmates "failure" and focuses on his strengths.

 

Hey - if he is attentive and she enjoys him, she can wait for the entire experience to "flesh out". Date one and two may be oral only - but if she leaves smiling, she's not complaining. Besides, she is going to get a pretty good fuck when she gets home - so all is well that ends well.

 

But part of "chemistry" is "is he good at the other stuff". And if he is, she'll stick with him. As she says "if he good at oral, imagine how good he'll be at the other stuff!" She's not sticking it out with selfish chumps or guys who have no idea how a woman works. She is sticking it out with guys who have a lot of very obvious gifts - great people, fun to talk to, good kissers (a biggie for her) and showing a lot of potential and promise.

 

So far - she has been rewarded quite well for her patience

 

Most people, it seems, go to the club, have this happen, get frustrated about it, and then go back to the club - radiating this air of frustration and expectation - have it happen again and then wonder why... Well - wonder no more.

 

Women, you have to relax a little, too. When you do - he will - and when you both do, good things are bound to happen. If you make it a habit of complaining and bitching about it - you're just asking for bad karma in that area. As I said in another thread, whether you think you are or not, you are putting off an air of "perform or else". Ladies, men can pick up on that - even if we don't know we are.

 

And honestly - I don't think that swinging is about "pleasing you". It is about having fun - all of us. If you have a "sweat shop" mentality about your play, it is going to be one disaster after another; and I think we have a number of examples of that around here.

 

Spoomonkey

[ShellyM 0]

Yes Spoo, I'm working on being less goal oriented.

Very, very good advice. I do tend to be VERY analytical. This is a cast off of my career and managerial experience I think.....I see the goal and THIS and THAT is how you get there. Good in my office, not so good in the playroom. Add to that my blunt ass nature and eyes that can pierce through steel (I'm not good at poker because my poker face SUCKS, is that a suprise? LOL) and yes its not good sometimes. LOL. But I am working on the ability to lighten up without changing the core of who I am. Because I don't think I am bad, I just need to soften up some edges. Namely the goal oriented issues. Now let me ask you men a question. I have asked this, and I think this dialogue that we are having in this thread is FANTASTIC. There is no blame going on, just discussion. This is what I like, and you gentlemen are being very helpful. I know that there was another thread on sexually aggressive women. Does a woman being very sexual intimidate you men? I have been told by more than one person (perhaps I need to quit asking people about this too lol) that a woman who is intelligent, pretty and sexual scares the shit out of men. These are not things I can control so at one point I honestly threw my hands up in the air and said "I guess I'm screwed". Do you think that by dancing so sexually and dressing so sexually......what I'm asking you is do you think I should tone it down? For instance. We went to a house party not too long ago; and this is the host's fault because I asked him what everyone was wearing and he said "dress sexy". So we get there and literally all of the other women are wearing jeans and regular blouses. And here I am lol with thigh high stockings, stilletos, mini skirt, you get the idea. And it was N O T appreciated in the least. So I'm thinking that maybe I'm throwing my sexuality out there TOO MUCH. Now gentlemen, is that possible? I'm honestly intrigued by this and curious. Anyways, I am working on it. The idea of bringing in singles really has lifted the pressure on me as well...I know that ours is a combination of many factors and it will get better. Thank you again so much guys for your honesty and opening up that mind. For me knowing what you are thinking really helps me out.

[bigjoehd 26]

Ive been there once,we were just getting started playing with a new couple where i really wanted to be with the wife, until she farted,not just any ole fart but a wet one that stunk up the entire room:bogroll:after that it was all over for me.My wife had a good time with the husband though,i was happy for her too.

 

A few days later we got an email from them saying that they thought we were not right for each other because of "MY PROBLEM" & that we should call it quits,the husband went on to tell me that we were thoughtless because we did not warn them about my problem.

 

It took me a few days to give them a response but when i did i let him know "MY PROBLEM" only happened because of his wife & that she might need to wear a diaper to their next play date.

[mackie44 15]

I think a man can still be excited without an erection. Women shouldnt automatically interpret a lack of erection as a sign of rejection.

[Trace Ekies 186]

We hang out with a lot of soft swap couples even though we are full swap when the situation presents itself. I've (male) had a great deal of fun and never needed an erection with our soft friends.

 

It seems to me that an erection isn't completely necessary to have fun but not having one to play with may not be exactly what some would want. Please take no offense or feel any rejection to ED....sometimes it just doesn't work. I keep the blue pill handy for those late, inebriated nights when I may stumble.

 

Pressure is the key and nine times out of ten I put it on myself (pressure) and cause the problem. It's the old snowball effect....it doesn't work so I worry. The worry makes it not work worse and I panic. In minutes I'm a gelding. Thank chemistry and capitalism for the little blue pill.

[ShellyM 0]

until she farted,not just any ole fart but a wet one that stunk up the entire room:bogroll:after that it was all over for me.My wife had a good time with the husband though,i was happy for her too.

 

Thank you!! Nothing like spraying my keyboard with water and lemon lol.

OMG go ON with your bad self!

[MtnSwing 23]

This is fantastic. Thank you all for not flaming me for asking the question. We're really low stress people. As I mentioned, I use various tablets to help me keep it up. It's just one less thing that I need to worry about when we go out. It doesn't always work. If the situation is not right (even with my wife), I focus on HER. This in a way is my point. I realize that we'll never be all things to all people. Sexually, there will be people that are better at EVERY aspect than me. We're all about learning. We just want to focus on the person we're playing with. If they're happy then my wife and I can relive it when we get home.

 

When we began this process I was going through a long slump. I was so stressed about performing in our own bedroom that we had very little sex for a very long time. I finally saw my doc and got a prescription (Levitra) and WOW! It's no guarantee but it has surely made my life a lot more fun. Guys - just see your doc if you have any problems. Now if I'm playing I'm likely going to take one just for the placebo effect if nothing else. With my wife, once I had the pills, I didn't need the pills. The stress disappeared and we've been like teenagers ever since.

 

Shelley and Spoomonkey thank you so much. We're really nice people and our question is so that we make everyone feel comfortable sexy and satisfied. This discussion is helping us learn from your experiences and is giving us advice on how to choose those couples that are worth the work.

 

Those of us new to the lifestyle don't have a lot of people to talk with and this is a bit of an awkward topic. Guys, don't feel that we are judging you, we are looking to learn ways to help make sure that our actions don't add to the challenges of getting it up.

 

When we started, I (Mr Swing) was totally repressed. I didn't even want my wife to go topless at a topless beach. Now we are unrecognizable. Shelley keep up the sexy dress. You've got it, flaunt it. Sorry but my wife is hot and watching the reactions to her sexy dresses is part of my excitement as I'm sure it is for Jay. We met a single women the other day at a vanilla club and at the end exchanged some hot kisses and couldn't have cared less about the reactions. If you're hot, you're hot - and we'll be hot for you. Sexy is sexy regardless of size, creed, color or religion. We've seen people that we wouldn't have looked twice at outside of the lifestyle that have just blown us away in terms of their ability to ooze sex. That's a huge part of it for us.

 

We're just finishing off a trip to New Zealand and things are SO different here. The clubs lack the social atmosphere that is so critical in the US and Canada. Pretty much everyone gets their 'kit' off by around 10:30 and then it's all about business. No sexy dancing, no foreplay, just let's swap. We can't wait to cross the pond and get back to our regular club. They show up in jeans and a t-shirt (guys and girls) because they won't stay on long - and that's the least of the clubs challenges. We were there to meet and play. Most of the couples arrived, split up, and the the guys hung around to watch the goings on. I'm sorry, you could just go to a strip bar. They were all younger than us so they were young, hot and hanging in a room full of women that wanted to have sex with them - and they chose to hang around with other men - hmmm! We don't understand, but that's another thread!

 

In New Zealand, there's no understanding that you might not actually go full swap. Every couple, even the people we met through AFF had never even heard of 'soft swap'. They have now lol.

 

We're moving much faster than many of the people we've associated with and for that reason we have found it difficult to discuss these problems. Some people we know have so many rules prior to play that you feel that you have to date them for years before anything happens. They don't 'do' certain body types, smokers, tattoos, piercings, people that have had cosmetic surgery...the list goes on. You wonder if they every play. For us, if we like you we want to get to know you. We're still soft swap but moving towards full. We're just struggling with the intimacy thing and working out our boundaries as we go.

 

Everybody is sexy in their own way and this thread is really meant to help us help make sure the foursomes we enjoy don't become threesomes. We wish more guys would just do what they can when they can. If it ain't working perhaps their tongue is, or their hands, or their attitude. We've all been limp but when we stop focusing on ourselves we get a much better experience. When I stopped worrying and began focusing on making sure my partner was happy it was amazing how much happier I became. My wife is a great pleaser but she when the men were having problems they have not moved over to plan 'B' -please her! That seems to be a good indicator. If they just pack up their tent and leave then they are not interested in their partners anyway.

 

In terms of our schedule, we do drink a little and it does tend to be late when we play. Some of the clubs we play at the 'posers' hang around until late and so it is less stressful at 2 am then at 11:30 when the 20 somethings are judging our roles and imperfections. We are doing a little more home play visits to see if that takes some of the stress out of things. We love the clubs because when we play we love to be watched. It's so naughty! We realize that for some people the clubs don't work so we're totally flexible. We live in the mountains, have no kids so entertaining is not a problem. We're just looking to expand our horizons and meet really cool people. Sorry, that sounds like our profile lol.

 

Anyway, thanks all for your input, especially guys that have shared their experiences. We met a couple just the other night that we chose not to play with because they would not stop talking about their family, kids, cars and vanilla life. We were meeting them for the first time and perhaps going to play with them that night. As fun4Ds stated, we're just not interested. Maybe once we get to know you and become friends, but not on our first meet. We're going to talk about you, not US. Again, another thread. Sorry for the long post but we thank you all for helping.

 

Mr and Mrs. Swing

[ShellyM 0]

:kissface:Thank you, your kind words truly are appreciated.

[des1re06 200]

Great post Spoo!

 

It is about having fun - all of us

Hit the nail on the head.

 

Mrs. D

[JP51 40]

 

I had one such playmate once. I had gotten to a point after a small streak of not being able to reach orgasm. I was about to throw in the towel and she grabbed my ass, held me inside her and said "not until you cum." ...

 

 

On the other hand, she realizes that being with a new playmate can be an intimidating experience. The first time or two is really about getting to know each other anyway. We had a single female friend who said that she believed the "third time's the charm." According to her theory, it wasn't until the third time that you really start to relax and enjoy your playmate.

 

Spoomonkey

 

Have to agree with all of Spoomonkey comments. I'am one of those whom has a hard time cumming with a new playmate first time out. No problem getting hard:), just the desire to insure she has a great time. So I am in the model of "thirds times a charm". I know it is all in the mind, and sometimes it just the total relaxation of finally knowing the lady wants and desires let's me relax too.

[JP51 40]

LOL, we're actually Yankees LOL. I grew up primarily in Wisconsin and Jay in Pennsylvania.

 

 

Well just don't tell all them guys in your part of the state your a Yankee, give them a little southern accent and they perk right up:D

[Spoomonkey 421]

I have been told by more than one person (perhaps I need to quit asking people about this too lol) that a woman who is intelligent, pretty and sexual scares the shit out of men.

 

Well...

 

What's the alternative to this?

 

Dumb, ugly and frigid?

 

If this describes you, then it should be a good thing. Not a liability.

 

We've had friends describe Mrs Spoo as intimidating, but they haven't been turned off by it. She is, IMO, intelligent (she works with compliance law in our company), pretty (heck, that seems to be the understatement of the year) and sexual (she knows what she wants, what she is doing and there are times I have to hide in the closet to get a break). But, this hasn't really hurt our experiences. In fact, it improves the quality of the people we connect with (i.e. people who are just as intelligent, pretty and sexual and not put off by it.)

 

Now, I realize that this sounded like a bit of bragging, but I am fairly prolific in my bragging about my wife. But the point of it is to say that I really don't know why that would be a problem. I can't fathom it. The women I am interested in posses those qualities in spades. Dumb it down (and I am positive that our female friends wouldn't even consider "changing" themselves an option) and you're likely to lose my interest... Or just confuse the hell out of me.

 

If you are too pretty, intelligent and sexual for the people you are meeting, maybe you need to raise your bar a bit. If you are intimidating men for some other reason, maybe they just aren't telling you the truth.

 

But for my money, the only person you should aspire to be is yourself. Being someone else isn't going to get you laid more - unless that person is Kate Beckinsale

 

Spoomonkey

[singleagain 26]

But for my money, the only person you should aspire to be is yourself. Being someone else isn't going to get you laid more - unless that person is Kate Beckinsale

 

Spoomonkey

 

Well said. Of late I have thought a lot about what got me hard and kept me that way when I was a much younger guy. It really is women who are "themselves." Now for me, my fantasy woman is IMDb - Catherine Zeta-Jones. However, that being said, all I know about her is what I see in the movies. If you want my "attention" give me reasons that are "you"...the "real you." You don't have to look like Cathrine or Kate...but you do have to be you...and that's where the "chemistry" comes from.

[ShellyM 0]

Well...

 

What's the alternative to this?

 

Dumb, ugly and frigid?

 

LOL, I suppose! LOL However, I have been told that I need to do this believe it or not LOL. I have even been told that our pics on sls are too "sexual" and if they were me they'd tone those down as well.

 

Now, I realize that this sounded like a bit of bragging, but I am fairly prolific in my bragging about my wife. But the point of it is to say that I really don't know why that would be a problem. I can't fathom it. The women I am interested in posses those qualities in spades. Dumb it down (and I am positive that our female friends wouldn't even consider "changing" themselves an option) and you're likely to lose my interest... Or just confuse the hell out of me.

 

LOL, I would never expect anything less! Mrs. Spoo truly is GORGEOUS. I think a husband should always just shine in regards to his wife; it would concern me if you were like "yeah, Mrs. Spoo is alright..." LOL. Thats a beautiful thing to be so proud and loving of a dynamic woman.

 

If you are too pretty, intelligent and sexual for the people you are meeting, maybe you need to raise your bar a bit. If you are intimidating men for some other reason, maybe they just aren't telling you the truth.

 

I have been told by a great friend on this board () that this is definately an issue and we need to change clubs. I am going to do this; this particular club is just really pretty far and so we have to pre-plan so to speak hotels and etc. But yes, I agree. You are absolutely right on this I think. I'm soooo not trying to sound vain but you are correct in this I'm thinking.

 

But for my money, the only person you should aspire to be is yourself. Being someone else isn't going to get you laid more - unless that person is Kate Beckinsale .

 

Mr. Spoo, if I could get her for ya I would . But I can't get Tony Stewart for myself either. Maybe when I hook up with him he'll know her. And maybe the Dolphins will win the Super Bowl this year. Good thing we're already married to great people, huh. Thank you again everyone, like I said before just knowing what is going on is absolutely valuable.

[rpu3 630]

I have been told by more than one person (perhaps I need to quit asking people about this too lol) that a woman who is intelligent, pretty and sexual scares the shit out of men. These are not things I can control so at one point I honestly threw my hands up in the air and said "I guess I'm screwed".

 

I'm coming in late to this party, but damn, who the hell do you hang out with?

 

Honestly, if most men thought like this, I wouldn't have any success in any form of our alternative sex life. I have never EVER met a person in swinging that told me I was intimidating because I was myself - and that self ain't ugly,stupid or uneducated, or a lifeless asexual blob.

 

Seriously - find new friends or a new environment.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

We met a couple just the other night that we chose not to play with because they would not stop talking about their family, kids, cars and vanilla life. We were meeting them for the first time and perhaps going to play with them that night. Again, another thread. Sorry for the long post but we thank you all for helping.

As fun4Ds stated, we're just not interested. Maybe once we get to know you and become friends, but not on our first meet.

 

well maybe my thoughts didn't come out wright, I'm not implying that i don't want to hear about another couples vanilla life, or family for that matter. come to think of it, iv never played with a woman that doesn't have children.

 

but the thing i found looking at myself wondering the few times,what the hell happened was the fact that my background was a factor. you see I'm a father, and a son as well, i came from generations of good men. men who passed on as i will also, to treat women with respect above all. that in its self would keep me from feeling sexual while talking about kids or family. it was something that was a big factor in the beginning for me. knowing where my problem was and my feelings. was the beginning of changing how i felt, so i could be a good sexual partner to women other than my wife.

 

so this was a problem that i could change, yes i like to talk about family and kids or what ever casual things like work come up, before we meet chatting over dinner. there are times for this... and Mrs.fun gets a feeling of possible sexual openness from other men who are respectful in this way... but, i do take it upon myself that if we are not heading in a sexual mode and (i know) we want to play and so does the other couple. i steer the conversation as discreetly as i can, back to sexual things....im getting good at it:hahaha: and like i say Mrs.fun picks up on it.

 

this is something that happens at clubs as well, casual conversations just inhibit sex for me sometimes. this is where I'm seeming cold again. but i don't pay to get in clubs and talk about the kids!! lets talk sex. lets be sexual,tell me things about how ya feel, sexually. even if its things you don't do or boundaries ya don't cross, talk about sex, sex toys, anything but the kids pleeezzzz:sad:.

[ShellyM 0]

I'm coming in late to this party, but damn, who the hell do you hang out with?

 

Honestly, if most men thought like this, I wouldn't have any success in any form of our alternative sex life. I have never EVER met a person in swinging that told me I was intimidating because I was myself - and that self ain't ugly,stupid or uneducated, or a lifeless asexual blob.

 

Seriously - find new friends or a new environment.

 

LOL, I hear you girl. Believe it or not I have been told that. I asked a very good friend of mine this, and I was surprised to be told that because he is an educated, intelligent and confident man. And he admitted that yes, intelligent and pretty women are intimidating lol. I don't know, go figure I suppose. I know with women, we are attracted to intelligent, handsome men and not usually intimidated. Anyways, thats what I have been told lol. Yep, we are planning on changing that. Given, I LOVE our friends. But in regards to sexually who we play with we are changing the environment.

[ShellyM 0]

Fun4DS,

You are right. After I read your post yesterday it made perfect sense, as I said before; I went to Jay and asked him if in the swinging arena he prefers to keep talk sexual vs. talking with a woman for an hour about our children, girl scouts, etc...and he said Y E S. He said that a man cannot just go from talking about his children and family to being super lover....its just not that easy. Makes perfect sense. I usually don't do that but perhaps I have, I'll be honest. All of the tips both you and Spoo gave were outstanding.

[Spoomonkey 421]

And he admitted that yes, intelligent and pretty women are intimidating.

 

He may find it intimidating... But the rest of us find it quite attractive.

 

Seriously, there are plenty of women on this board who have no trouble with the men that they meet. Sure - "limp" happens, but it is fixable and workable. What would your friend say about these women? Do you really think that the other women around here enjoy the benefits of "erect men" because these other women aren't intelligent, pretty or sexual?

 

If not, perhaps the theory is not all together sound...

 

Spoomonkey

[ShellyM 0]

Spoo I have no clue. I'm just a squirrel trying to get a nut lol.

I am staying optimistic and we do have fun. I'm just saying what has been said to me. I don't know man, perhaps its geographical; shit I don't know lol. Like I said, we still have a blast. I'm not trying to argue with you or say that other women are not pretty. I am just answering a question honestly and saying what has been told to me. I don't know, I don't have a penis and I'm not a man. So the only way I know what men are thinking is by asking. I am not going to comment in this thread anymore because it seems to grate nerves lol...and that is honestly the last thing I mean to do or intend. I am not here to start trouble or annoy anyone lol, so I will refrain from this thread from this point on lol. Spoo, I think you are a really cool person and I have not meant to annoy you in any way.

[safireblues 106]

I would probably react oddly to a guy who only wanted to talk sex sex and more sex. I've had that happen, I don't feel like I can have a regular conversation, the guy is too busy saying "What do you want to do, are you horny, what do you like, touch my penis"...and I hate it. I bristle at feeling like ONLY a sex object, rather than sex being a part of who I am.

 

Then again, I don't have kids to talk about. I can see how the "kids" aspect would kill the wood.

 

I guess we women want to talk about our lives so we feel like more than just holes to fuck, but we should steer away from topics that kill the mood.

[safireblues 106]

Spoo I have no clue. I'm just a squirrel trying to get a nut lol.

I am staying optimistic and we do have fun. I'm just saying what has been said to me. I don't know man, perhaps its geographical; shit I don't know lol. Like I said, we still have a blast.

 

Could you just be giving off an intense energy? My sister is like that. She's a triathlete structured and organized. She seems so pulled together and perfect that people find that off-putting and she gets the "intimidating" thing. We're both attorneys with similar backgrounds and looks, but I come across as more mellow and frankly "sloppy", so men are more drawn.

 

Whether conscious of not, men move towards women they think they can help than ones that seem intensely self-sufficient. IMHO.

[Spoomonkey 421]

I am staying optimistic and we do have fun.

 

I think that is awesome. But, just as you pointed out to the guy who made the "cow" comment (actually, he thought it, but I digress) we need to be sensitive that what we say may actually be interpreted as an insult to others.

 

I do not know you personally, but I am sure that you are all of these things that you have said about yourself. But, I would also wager that the other women here are as well.

 

Just have fun. The rest will sort itself out. Let the pretty, intelligent sexuality be an asset, not a liability - both in the bedroom and on the board

 

Spoomonkey

[ShellyM 0]

I think that is awesome. But, just as you pointed out to the guy who made the "cow" comment (actually, he thought it, but I digress) we need to be sensitive that what we say may actually be interpreted as an insult to others.

 

I do not know you personally, but I am sure that you are all of these things that you have said about yourself. But, I would also wager that the other women here are as well.

 

Just have fun. The rest will sort itself out. Let the pretty, intelligent sexuality be an asset, not a liability - both in the bedroom and on the board

 

Spoomonkey

 

This is true, and I know I said I would not post anymore LOL. You are right. My fellow ladies, if I have offended you sincerely I apologize. I truly was just answering comments and questions honestly; I think all women are gorgeous and everyone has a place here. And yes, all women have value and are beautiful. So yes, if I have offended please forgive me.

[Spoomonkey 421]

Whether conscious of not, men move towards women they think they can help than ones that seem intensely self-sufficient. IMHO.

 

Am I the only man on the planet attracted to intelligent, strong-minded women? Maybe this should be a new thread...

 

I looked in your profile, safireblues, and I am not sure they are drawn to you because you look "sloppy"... I think it may have a bit more to do with the amazing cleavage... An attorney with a killer bod? Personally, I have no problem with that at all

 

Spoomonkey

[ShellyM 0]

Am I the only man on the planet attracted to intelligent, strong-minded women? Maybe this should be a new thread...

 

I looked in your profile, safireblues, and I am not sure they are drawn to you because you look "sloppy"... I think it may have a bit more to do with the amazing cleavage... An attorney with a killer bod? Personally, I have no problem with that at all

 

Spoomonkey

 

For the love of God I hope not my purple friend...I don't have time to get my ass to Ohio. LOL. Nahhhh there are awesome guys out there. Jay is one of them as well. And yes, she does have amazing cleavage, doesnt she? I just looked at that myself!

[fun4Ds 1,098]

I would probably react oddly to a guy who only wanted to talk sex sex and more sex. I've had that happen, I don't feel like I can have a regular conversation, the guy is too busy saying "What do you want to do, are you horny, what do you like, touch my penis"...and I hate it. I bristle at feeling like ONLY a sex object, rather than sex being a part of who I am.

 

oh yes i agree,...touch my penis... the way ya made that sound is just freaky. like i say we are normal pervs:lol:.

 

 

Then again, I don't have kids to talk about. I can see how the "kids" aspect would kill the wood.

 

thanks for seeing what i was trying to convey, and actually this particular time I'm thinking of, was in fact the male half that just wouldn't stop. we didn't know if he was maybe just so to tuned into how other subjects were important to Mrs.fun that he was just stuck in the mind frame maybe.

 

we had known this couple, chatted, went to their house party and decided to meet at a club next time (yes) for playing again. we like to rent a really nice suite that is conveniently close to the club. it has a kitchen table sofa chairs and a nice setting and yes a hot tub. we ask at our expense, couples that we really want to play with if they care to join us because its a comfortable setting. we keep the place booked 3-4 times each year..it just works out nicely for us and have had no complaints, some playmates just like a more private setting... so while on our way. (they were on their way also), i told Mrs fun the husband is really bumming me out talking about family and stuff bonding with me. Mrs.fun quickly upon our arrival brought out her nasty bag and set it in the middle of the table;) and the girls began being sexual. thats what i should have posted.:roll eyes: not sex sex sex like my last post.

but just be sexual. he didn't seem to talk family much after that:lol:.

 

reason # 999,991, 207 why i love my wife so much. she is sexual also;)

 

 

 

I guess we women want to talk about our lives so we feel like more than just holes to fuck, but we should steer away from topics that kill the mood.[/

QUOTE]

 

thats how i feel about being respectful and sexual in my earlier post.that was what i had trouble with. it was hard to understand that. iv never been with a woman that i felt like, you are a hole to fuck. thats just wrong in my eyes. i wasn't brought up that way.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

Am I the only man on the planet attracted to intelligent, strong-minded women? Maybe this should be a new thread...

I can assure you that you are not the only man who is attracted to intelligent, strong-minded women. Heaven knows I am no gift to womankind. But I have approached many a women at a lifestyles event who was wearing an "OMG, I hope he's not coming over here to talk to me" look on her face. Eye contact and a smile usually banish that look. A smile in return assures that wood will be ready if and when needed.

 

Michael

[safireblues 106]

Am I the only man on the planet attracted to intelligent, strong-minded women? Maybe this should be a new thread...

 

I looked in your profile, safireblues, and I am not sure they are drawn to you because you look "sloppy"... I think it may have a bit more to do with the amazing cleavage... An attorney with a killer bod? Personally, I have no problem with that at all

 

Spoomonkey

 

I'm not "sloppy" in any traditional sense, just in comparison to my sister. She's up at 6 am to run a Sunday triathalon. I'm eating stuffed french toast and nursing my hangover. How pulled together she is can be very intimidating, even to me, although I know that she has her issues like everyone else.

[Spoomonkey 421]

I'm not "sloppy" in any traditional sense, just in comparison to my sister. She's up at 6 am to run a Sunday triathalon. I'm eating stuffed french toast and nursing my hangover. How pulled together she is can be very intimidating, even to me, although I know that she has her issues like everyone else.

 

So...

 

"French Toast and a hangover" is more attractive than "Triathlete and pulled together"? Granted, the person behind those attributes is going to have a lot of impact on overall hotness, but seriously, if I were scanning swinger ads, I'd probably start with the triathlete...

 

It is possible to balance that though. We are up daily at 4:30 to workout, and we actually had a hangover and French Toast morning just a month ago (GREAT party! and breakfast with our playmates!). Some athletes can be obsessive and narcissistic. Some people who get hangovers and eat French Toast can be dirty drunks...

 

But, somewhere in the middle, there are still plenty of women who have it all together.

 

Spoomonkey

[safireblues 106]

So...

 

"French Toast and a hangover" is more attractive than "Triathlete and pulled together"? Granted, the person behind those attributes is going to have a lot of impact on overall hotness, but seriously, if I were scanning swinger ads, I'd probably start with the triathlete...

 

It is possible to balance that though. We are up daily at 4:30 to workout, and we actually had a hangover and French Toast morning just a month ago (GREAT party! and breakfast with our playmates!). Some athletes can be obsessive and narcissistic. Some people who get hangovers and eat French Toast can be dirty drunks...

 

But, somewhere in the middle, there are still plenty of women who have it all together.

 

Spoomonkey

 

Oh, absolutely. I rarely drink and I work out and eat healthy and all that good stuff, just not to the level of a triathlete. Therefore, I'm less intimidating than someone who is hot, a lawyer, a triathlete, etc.

 

I don't think people should change who they are at all, there's just factors we all possess that may intimidate others. Anyone with stones will of course step up to bat anyway.

[ShellyM 0]

I don't know but I give all of the athletes PROPS. I'm the laziest of the lazy. LOL. I look for any excuse to get out of it. Thats wonderful that y'all are so committed. I belly dance for exercise and thats enough for me lol.

[Miss Sunshine 29]

doesn't anyone have a tongue?? and fingers??? Limp is not the end of the world. Your her man, help her out.

[MtnSwing 23]

Hey Miss Sunshine. I was wondering if we were going to make it back to the original post. I stepped away from the computer for a day (we're on vacation in New Zealand at the moment) and it took on a life of its own.

 

Don't worry. I DO take care of my woman and when we play we don't play separately so she gets plenty of attention. Most of the women we play with have also been bi so its not lack of attention that gets her down. It was more of that feeling that she couldn't get that physical reaction from some of the men we played with. We don't full-swap yet so we always end up together and we love the writhing fun of a four person sex pile lol. We were never looking to bash men. I use levitra before heading to a club just to make sure that everything's in working order. For me it just leaves one less thing to worry about - and even it doesn't guarantee anything. If I'm not 'up' at the moment then I spend time using my other attributes. In fact I spend more time doing that than anything else. It feels great to be able to please a women in that way, especially since we don't full swap.

 

The advice we've gotten in this thread has been very helpful. It lets Mrs Swing know that it isn't her fault and people have mentioned some good ways to 'help' the situation. We don't want to play separately but we want to make sure that everyone gets the same attention. I know how hard it is to suffer ED because I HAVE gone through it so we we're just looking for ideas that would help her to reduce their anxiety and increase their drive. In particular playing earlier might be the best advice.

 

Most of our play partners have been 5-10 years older than us (just by coincidence) and perhaps that has a role to play as well. We just haven't connected yet with people in the mid-forty range yet as we are.

 

Anyway, thanks all for your help and for not being too angry at the original posting. We're fun people and we really love playing with other couples. It was just getting her down a bit. She knows it's not her fault, but as other females have mentioned it CAN feel that way at times, especially when you have a few similar experiences in a row.

 

Cheers

Mr and Mrs Swing

[redeye69 8]

They don't 'do' certain body types, smokers, tattoos, piercings, people that have had cosmetic surgery...the list goes on.

 

Mr and Mrs. Swing

Hmmmm so I wasn't mistaken then

[sexcupid 809]

OP,

 

I can see your wife's side of the story (please see some of my other posts complaining about lack of satisfaction with swing partners...lol)...I guess what I am left to wonder about is WHY these other men do not realize that just because their dick isn't working doesn't mean that the rest of them has stopped functioning.

 

Maybe I missed it in the other posts, but do they totally shut down on her if their soldier isn't working? Or do they make the attempt with manual and oral stimulation? And if they do, does she seem disappointed with that? From what I gathered (and maybe I'm taking it the wrong way), but if your playmate's dick isn't working, she just turns her attention to the female in the couple and (best intentions or not) the other male is left sitting on the sidelines or does he try to get his wife's attention so he can get in on the play too? However, I am in NO WAY advocating that your wife be relegated to sitting there feeling like a babysitter while you are having a good time, I doubt the abandonment...however unintentional...to basically the 3 of you having a fmf soft swap does wonders for the other guy's ego.

 

Maybe those questions have already been addressed...and if so, I'll go back and reread now.

 

Maria