Men, are you ok with a woman telling you she isn't going to orgasm?

[sexcupid 809]

In most of our swinging experiences, I have not had an orgasm with anyone but Jeff (when we play together at the end of the night).

 

While I came to terms with the fact long ago that no one is responsible for my orgasm but me...most male partners I've had generally do feel some responsibility for getting me there, like they think if I (or any partner for that matter) don't have an orgasm then the night is ruined.

 

Is there a nice way of saying 'what you're doing feels great...but I'm not getting there/going to get there'? Do men see this as a challenge? Or is it a blow to the old ego, more like, 'if it feels good then WHY aren't you getting there?

 

For the record, I usually do make our playmates aware that I am not one to orgasm quickly. Particularly when they tell us that the female in that couple is multi orgasmic and/or doesn't take much to get her there...kind of like in another thread where someone's play partner licked on them for just a few minutes and asked if she was going to cum or not. If that is the kind of partner a man is used to, I feel I have to 'warn' them a bit that I'm a harder nut to crack.

 

TIA for any comments/advice.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Everyone is absolutely different. Not right or wrong, just different. The first time partying together it is probably difficult to know what you need/want. Most guys needs are pretty basic most of the time. Women.....a little more complicated in my opinion. Ya'll have to tell us the details of what you need. I know the basics, but if there is that something special you want, then let me KNOW!!!

 

I think if you tell someone you orgasms may take a while to achieve, it may sound like a challenge or a brick wall. Maybe not telling them this and guiding them along gently? Especially if it is going to be a repeat playmate.

 

For my wife, her needs are pretty simple. Big, hard and bang away. You slap her on the ass (even in fun) to blow your load on her back and the ride is over quickly. So you never know when you may cross a boundary.

[sexcupid 809]

BiloxiCouple said:

Women.....a little more complicated in my opinion. Ya'll have to tell us the details of what you need. I know the basics, but if there is that something special you want, then let me KNOW!!!

 

I think if you tell someone you orgasms may take a while to achieve, it may sound like a challenge or a brick wall. Maybe not telling them this and guiding them along gently? Especially if it is going to be a repeat playmate.

 

For my wife, her needs are pretty simple. Big, hard and bang away. You slap her on the ass (even in fun) to blow your load on her back and the ride is over quickly. So you never know when you may cross a boundary.

 

I agree women are a little more complicated....lol For me, just lick like an ice cream cone...no biting...

 

That's the thing, I want them to be aware that I am NOT one of these women that 2 min into an activity will be quivering off the bed (especially if this is how their wife/gf is...we've run across quite a few of these really sensitive women in our few playtimes)...but I don't want it to be perceived as throwing down a challenge either.

 

The thing is, I enjoy sex with other partners and if I don't get there with them it's really not that big of a deal to me...but it seems to be a big deal for them if they can't get me there. How to convey the message of what you are doing is fine and feels great...but I'm just not progressing to an actual orgasm. I don't want it to be a challenge or make it seem like I'm telling the guy 'you'll never get me there'...I am quite happy just feeling good and enjoying myself, I just don't want my partner to get moody b/c he can't get me to cum.

 

Maria

[socolais 696]

I think this is a tricky situation, I tend to evaluate my performance by her orgasms and general satisfaction. Sometimes, she doesn't "get there" and we have a bunch of fun with our time together. Sometimes, I don't get there either. Sometimes it's a little frustrating because I know it could have been better, but the reality is that we both had fun. It's all in the attitude....

 

No matter what you say to them, some guys may see it as a challenge while others may loose some enthusiasm knowing it's an unreachable star. I think the best thing to say to a playmate would be something like, "Sometimes I have a big orgasm and sometimes it's just a soft warm glow, what I really enjoy is good foreplay." I think that would take the pressure off both of yall and set the stage for a fun time.

[sexcupid 809]

Socolais,

 

That's it! The non-insulting way of saying what I'm trying to say. Thanks!

 

Maria

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I think it goes both ways, as a woman, I too, gauge a man's satisfaction level by whether or not he orgasms. I remember one party where I was having sex with the host and he did not and would not come. He finally told me that he could only get off once a night and he (basically) wanted to do as many of the ladies as he could and then finish with his wife. I can't really say that made me feel any better or made me try any less. If anything it made me feel a bit like a number.

 

I will admit to occasions where I have faked one to make a guy feel better because I got the feeling he wasn't going to give up until I got mine.

[Cpl2share 147]

Let's be fair here though. Men are not always teh same, and we change with the situation too. Mrs. Cpl has a rule that if I come in her mouth she will bite! I respect that and she can work me for an hour without me coming. Our last time out at play it took the woman about 5 minutes to make me come. Of course she had said previously that she liked a man to do that. On the female side, there are times when Mrs. Cpl tells me that she is not going to cum no matter how long I keep licking, but it feels good so keep doing it as long as I want to. Maybe I am just more in touch than some others, but when a woman tells me that she won't cum or that it will take a long time,I tell her that I will just eat until she decides that she has had enough. That is one meal that I never get tired of;)

[BiloxiCouple 695]

Are we actually performance oriented? For the guys/ladies is it that important to make a woman/man orgasm? Or could she just have a good time.

 

Some women are multi orgasmic, mono orgasmic and non orgasmic. I like being a guy which is definitely orgasmic!!!

 

If the other half didn't orgasm, then I failed?

 

I like what Julie said about the host only having one orgasm at party so he could play with multiple partners. So he has to pace himself for the party. I am sure there other reasons out there also.

 

Could you fake an orgasm so I feel better about myself

 

I am on a roll today

[iapr 24]

If I encountered a situation like this I would have a couple questions. The first one would be do you ever have orgasms with play partners and are you willing and able to have one? If the answer is no you do not have orgasms and for whatever reason you do not wish to have one or are not willing to have one then I would probably pass on the encounter all together. While I do not believe that people should be focused solely on orgasms if someone has some kind of mental block that does not allow them to cum with others or that they do not wish to have them with others then what is the point?

 

If you are basically able to orgasm and are willing to have one or more but you just have some special needs then I would be open to doing whatever it takes (within reason of course). I am willing to go an extra mile for a friend but if someone goes into it with the intention of not having an orgasm then why are they there?

 

I am truly not as orgasm focused as this sounds and there have been a few times that I (male half) have not orgasmed with play partners and it was still a great encounter. But it has a lot to do with intent. If someone is open to the idea and willing to have an orgasm but just needs some extra attention or some special techniques then I will give my best and if it doesn't happen then so be it, I'm not going to beat myself or anyone else up about it. But if someone just plain doesn't enjoy the full experience with play partners then there is no need for me to be there.

[swinger5 31]

WOW, this is so me!! I never ever had an orgasm with people we swing with, not because it is some mental block, but because it takes forever and the men we are with frankly don't "do" me the right way. When we have played with others on a regular basis, they do learn how to do it the way I like eventually.

 

We like to have fun and experience the moment, not focus on an orgasm. I try to warn them up front, I never fake it either. I can tell you some of the playmates we have been with fake it and it's totally obvious and tacky in my opinion. One time it was the man and I asked him why and he really didn't even have an answer, overly excited I guess. Things happen, you just enjoy the time you have.

[singleagain 26]

I think it goes both ways, as a woman, I too, gauge a man's satisfaction level by whether or not he orgasms. I remember one party where I was having sex with the host and he did not and would not come. He finally told me that he could only get off once a night and he (basically) wanted to do as many of the ladies as he could and then finish with his wife. I can't really say that made me feel any better or made me try any less. If anything it made me feel a bit like a number.

 

I will admit to occasions where I have faked one to make a guy feel better because I got the feeling he wasn't going to give up until I got mine.

 

I used to feel a lot like Julie says...I would gauge a woman's satisfaction by whether she had an orgasm...until I met a lady who seet the record straight. She taught me that thinking my performance in recreational sex is of great importance was mostly my ego talking to me.

 

She said that a conversation you have with yourself may be heard by your partner and be a total turn off for her. She said that conversation goes like this: "I am good and women love what I do for them. I must prove myself to them by making sure they cum every time I provide sex for them." Boy-oh-boy did I get knocked off my perch. She taught me that sex is enjoyable when the people involved in the act not only enjoy what they are doing for the other person but they ae enjoying it themselves and that I should just relax and enjoy the time. If she didn't like the results, I would find out soon enough.

 

From that night on, I stoped trying to be the "great pleasure provider" and found that I enjoyed swinging much more. I found out that the enjoyment is not always just in the climax but in the overall experience. So if I don't cum or you don't cum, neithe of us is a number. Rather we are just enjoying the moment. For the OP, just relax, enjoy the ride, and tell your partner just how good it really is.

[SW_PA_Couple 4,024]

Cpl2share said:

Mrs. Cpl has a rule that if I come in her mouth she will bite!

 

What a frightening mental image!!! This one will haunt my dreams for a while.

[WeMayTryIt 120]

swinger5 said:

WOW, this is so me!! I never ever had an orgasm with people we swing with, not because it is some mental block, but because it takes forever and the men we are with frankly don't "do" me the right way. When we have played with others on a regular basis, they do learn how to do it the way I like eventually.

 

I can't speak for all men, but this is a case where I would appreciate some guidance and direction. If what's being done isn't doing it for someone, I think all involved would be much happier if activities were redirected to something that DOES work. I don't know if most women are afraid of offending a man, thinking that he'll take it as her saying, "No, no, no, you're doing it all wrong." I suppose it's all in how you go about it. Personally, I love it when a woman tells me to do this or do it like that, because I take great pleasure in her pleasure, and I want to do what gets her off. I don't need to be a mind reader or need to think that I'm the great Casanova who automatically knows what works for any given woman.

[Spoomonkey 421]

I think being honest is a good thing. Of course I have an ego and want to be a fun playmate - but I know that chemistry is sometimes a challenge and that a new playmate is a mystery.

 

If a woman has difficulty orgasming then I think it is helpful (and a whole lot of fun) if she shows me where the right buttons are. I'm not inept - I'm just new to you - so speak up and lets play together! Of course, if you just are not going to get there - even if you were to show me every trick in the book - then telling me that will make things a lot less frustrating, because I am not going to quit chasing your orgasm until you tell me to - and even then, I may be reluctant.

 

I will be honest, though, a large part of the fun for me is the fun my playmate is having. If it were an issue where you could never orgasm with me, we'd likely be incompatible.

[safireblues 106]

I'm the same as the women here. It takes me a while to get comfortable with someone to let myself go. That's all I would tell someone--"it takes me a few go rounds with a new partner to be able to really let myself go and cum in this environment". And add that you will no doubt masturbate and cum thinking of this for weeks to cum!

 

I'm the same as you, I can have "smaller" orgasms with other people, but the full blown great one, I can only have with someone I'm very comfortable with. I think it's normal. I hope at least!!!

[Ed & Bunny 160]

I will say for me, I will take it as a challenge. I will work twice as hard to get you that O. I dont take it as failure when it doesnt happen though, as long as I am able to tell that I am pleasing the gal.

[sexcupid 809]

If I encountered a situation like this I would have a couple questions. The first one would be do you ever have orgasms with play partners and are you willing and able to have one? If the answer is no you do not have orgasms and for whatever reason you do not wish to have one or are not willing to have one then I would probably pass on the encounter all together. While I do not believe that people should be focused solely on orgasms if someone has some kind of mental block that does not allow them to cum with others or that they do not wish to have them with others then what is the point?

 

Yes, I have had an orgasm with a play partner....but that is not the norm. I am willing to have one too, so it's not quite like the situation that Julie described (where the host of the party would only orgasm once a night, so would intentionally hold off).

 

I agree with the 'if you don't want to/willing to orgasm with another partner, why are you here?' line of thinking. There have been a few times I have wondered what I'm doing since most experiences have been good, but nothing mind blowing like I see others posting about. But over all I think there are more positives than negatives to be had, so I don't feel swinging is an exercise in futility.

 

Thanks for all the responses.

 

Maria

[FlaPlaya561 48]

Honesty is the BEST POLICY

[ncmd_couple 597]

Every woman that I have made love to or had sex with has been different. And depending on the circumstances, medications and such, they may respond differently each time. Some women are multi-orgasmic, and some cum with a single earth shattering one, and some can't because of some reason, what ever that is. As long as the woman is responsive, not limp, then I can tell whether I am pleasing her whether she orgasms or not. And that is the important thing.

[Trace Ekies 186]

Feel free to let me know what it is you like and dislike. My job is to find the buttons and push'em in the proper order. If you tell, you're making my quest easier.

 

In the end, I want you to get what you want. How we get there is of no real concern to me. If I guess and get it right, great! If you tell me and I get it right, great!

 

If it involves peanut butter, pimento cheese and me standing on my head it's ok. Just let me know.

 

I want all of the people I interact with to have a raging orgasm. Sometimes it is not to be no matter what I do or am told to do. But that's ok....because it's always fun. Period.

[SCcpl40 74]

For us the lifestyle is a thrilling ride of sexual excitement, the meeting, the flirting, kissing, rubbing, oral stimulation and penetration. While some rides are more exciting than others, each one offers a chance to enjoy. For the both of us to climax makes it the ultimate ride. It's not going to happen every time, and if it doesn't we still enjoyed our ride. It's never a reflection on who we're with and we convey that to them. There have been times when that conversation leads to a deeper understanding and when going for a second ride, it's more satisfyingly for both.

[Spoomonkey 421]

sexcupid said:

There have been a few times I have wondered what I'm doing since most experiences have been good, but nothing mind blowing like I see others posting about.

 

I recently started a thread that I think might address this a bit. Sex with playmates is like a haunted house - you have to buy into it for it to be fun.

[sexcupid 809]

Spoomonkey said:

Sex with playmates is like a haunted house - you have to buy into it for it to be fun.

 

I like your metaphor for the haunted house thing...the thing is I really do try to buy into the experience. My 'every day me' is shoved in a closet, I put on the clothes I feel hottest in, do the hair and make up, etc.

 

And I go into it with a positive mindset....it's not like I'm thinking...here we go again...god I hope this doesn't suck....

 

Thanks for the link!

 

Maria

[des1re06 200]

From my point of view, it's not an ego or performance thing. I'd like to know ahead of time what makes you feel good, so that I can focus in that area. Making you feel good is just as important as the big O.

 

So, no, I don't focus on the O, but overall enjoyment.

 

Mr. D

[Spoomonkey 421]

sexcupid said:

the thing is I really do try to buy into the experience. My 'every day me' is shoved in a closet, I put on the clothes I feel hottest in, do the hair and make up, etc.

 

And I go into it with a positive mindset....it's not like I'm thinking...here we go again...god I hope this doesn't suck....

 

Yeah - sorry... I think I worded that wrong. I did not mean to imply in the least that you are not "doing it right" - my "haunted house theory" was just the first thing I thought of when I read your last post. Just wanting to add to the conversation

 

As long as "Bad Maria" is out, that's all a guy can ask

[tribbles 490]

Do you wait till you get home to cum with your guy or do you do it an the party before you go? Do you play with him in the room or separate?

 

We like to be in the same room, on the same bed where everyone can find a way to touch-you and your guy and me and my guy and if willing both females. So while we might not get you over the top to cum, we would hope we could warm you up and add to what your guy was doing so that you came with him but we got to add to the pleasure, in some small way.

 

Often I only cum with my guy but very often there are others adding to what he is doing to help send me over the top. And toys too.

[sexcupid 809]

Spoomonkey said:

Yeah - sorry... I think I worded that wrong. I did not mean to imply in the least that you are not "doing it right" - my "haunted house theory" was just the first thing I thought of when I read your last post. Just wanting to add to the conversation

 

As long as "Bad Maria" is out, that's all a guy can ask

 

Spoo...I don't think you worded anything 'wrong'...but I know what you mean by the 'buying in' to an experience. I mean, if you go into a haunted house and you know it's absurd and are intent on getting a laugh...well, that's probably what you'll get. I know it's all about mindset.

 

 

tribbles said:

Do you wait till you get home to cum with your guy or do you do it an the party before you go? Do you play with him in the room or separate?

 

As for when I will have an orgasm....one time when we had planned on going to the club, I wouldn't let Jeff get me off for a few days beforehand (we still had sex). I figured that way I would be good and ready and normally with out an orgasm for a few days...it doesn't take very long either. No dice...what the guy was doing still felt pretty good...but no O.

 

We are fairly flexible on same or separate room...but I prefer separate room...we've had a few experiences where my play partner's attention is more on his wife/gf getting fucked by my sweetie than it is on what we are doing...so if that 'distraction' isn't there, then I figured things might get better...and it has to some extent.

 

I guess one of my main points is how to make a partner realize that I am ok with just feeling good with what we're doing, even if I don't have an orgasm.

 

Thanks for all the responses...

 

Maria

[WeMayTryIt 120]

I guess one of my main points is how to make a partner realize that I am ok with just feeling good with what we're doing, even if I don't have an orgasm.

• Make sure I know when you like what I'm doing.
  
• If you don't like what I'm doing, gently redirect the effort to something that feels good.
  
• Don't assume that I want to stop just because I'm not bringing you to orgasm.
  

[Swing*8701 887]

Susan here-- For whatever it's worth: Yes. being comfortable with someone is very important in having an orgasm. I trained myself mentally to become very comfortable, very quickly with any Playmate. As a human being we have natural defense mechanisms with anyone we are not familar with. I'm often amazed we can achieve sexual arousal with anyone we don't know well, much less an orgasm.

 

For me I do prequalify people well for Play.This contributes greatly to not having surprises. This also allows me to make a complete commitment to the moment, intellectually and sexually. When your new (or longstanding) sex partner knows you are really into them and the moment, your body responds, their body responds. Also, I am never afraid that having an incredible orgasm diminishes my relationship with my spouse. I also do not 'read' anything into having a great orgasm during Play, other than my mind and body just had a fantastic time.

 

Your mileage may vary, as they say, but the key to having great orgasms often is allowing yourself to have them.

[Chicup 41]

First, I think most men and even women make the whole female orgasm seem more complicated than it really is at least in terms of what the man does.

 

If the woman is receptive, she will have an orgasm, some will take a LONG time to reach it, others at the drop of a hat, but they will get there the same. There are only so many buttons to press and its not a game of Simon.

 

This leaves frame of mind, and thats completely in the womans camp. When a woman doesn't orgasm with me, to me it means shes not totally comfortable with me, or the situation at hand.

 

To an extent I can handle them not having an orgasm with me, but I do view it as something of a failure on my part. I didn't turn them on enough to overcome their inhibitions, at least in an experienced woman.

 

A playmate of mine never orgasmed at first and is now multi orgasmic, but she rarely orgasmed at all prior to swinging, and now knows herself better. Someone like that is a challenge and one I don't feel bad about not crossing the line with, but if you can't with me and then start screaming like a she beast with your husband, I'm going to wonder what the issue is.

[Miss Sunshine 29]

I agree it is an attitude thing. I can have quick orgasms and I can have a long drawn out playtime building up to a huge mindblowing orgasm, but generally that is in bed by myself or with my hubby. I would never say anything, just enjoy what you get or what you are getting and then get off later. There are some guys that have no clue and rub or lick a little then cum themselves, there are woman like that too, that start you down the path but then orgasm and don't finish you off, I don't get frustrated, I enjoy the moment then make sure i cum. There are some men and women who REALLY know the way and get me off immediately but I always reciprocate! Enjoy!

[cocpl2007 170]

It sure has been a problem. When one playmate became overly consumed with getting Mrs “there” is ruined the fun for all of us...she was quite frank right up front saying IC doesn’t get here “there,” Well he was going to be the stallion who conquered the IC orgasm dilemma...he didn’t! It is not like we had not played with them numerous times; just had not previously arrived at the ultimate act of sharing.

 

Also I wonder how many times the first time being with a new partner is anything like what it is when they have taken the time to become familiar with the turn-ons and turn-offs that only experience with each other reveals.

 

There has to be a communication going both ways, we do not all react the same...thank heavens!

[largdad 32]

It never Bothered Mr Larg. After all, he just enjoys the ride. With me it is different. I like it a man to be gentle, the more hugging and pecking the quicker I let loose.

[MyWifesHusband 15]

As a man I do somewhat consider it a challenge, but my wife is not one to go quickly, so I suppose I have grown accustomed to giving her, her own time to get there if she does. I don't consider myself a failure as a lover either if I don't get her there. Sometimes she does in a few minutes. Sometimes she goes so long she gets numb and can't get there at all.

 

Not that we swing a lot (on a 3 yr average, once a year/ish) but I do not believe that she has gotten there with another. She made the comment once that she felt that if she did it might somehow make me feel inadequate. Bless her heart. If it doesn't feel good, don't do it. If it does, do it all the way. Besides I would love to see her get off from the objective of a third party.

[willyoats 324]

Split this into two parts: My wife and other women.

 

My wife seldom has an orgasm with other men. She does not have an unusually difficult time having one with the right person. It's just that there are only a few men that she knows well who take the time to do it right.

 

For me, with other women, there are some who are up front and say that they will probably not have an orgasm except after prolonged play that ends with them using a vibrator. That includes that first swing partner I ever had who was the owner of a club in Florida. She has 200 or 300 partners a year but gets off only with a vibrator. Could it just be a mental thing with her? I don't know.

 

As to other partners, that are three I swing with regularly (who are good friends outside the bedroom) but who all need the vibrator to get off, no matter whom they are with. That doesn't bother me a bit. They are all honest in telling me their needs, and we have a terrific time together whether in or out of the bedroom.