Does being nice equal I want to fuck you?

[TNT 1,155]

Ted and I were discussing last night how both he and I have started to pull back on the being nice/sociable factor when we are at house parties.

 

We both enjoy being very sociable...walking around the room, talking, laughing and cutting up with everyone...to us, being nice is just a part of our nature, we like talking to all types of different people and having a good time. (I'm not talking flirting with people...I'm talking just being sociably nice like you would in any group gathering)

 

However, here lately we both have started being less outgoing, staying very close to each other, watching what we wear (or don't wear as the case may be) as well as being very careful with who we interact with. Which isn't really the way we want to be but...because of our relaxed natures and outgoingness and what we feel is just being nice and sociable, people seem to be getting the wrong impression...that just because we were talking to them, laughing and having a good time that we want to play with them.

 

We both have always been very careful (or thought we were being careful) not to give off a vibe (flirt) that we wanted to play, unless we really did but, more and more we are finding that just being nice to people is causing them to assume we want to play.

 

We actually had a lady chase us down when we were leaving a house party and holler at us that we couldn't leave because we hadn't fucked her and her husband yet and they wanted to fuck us Ted and I looked at each other and both said we never gave an indication that we wanted to fuck them, we were just talking and being nice.

 

So...is there anyone else who has had to deal with someone assuming you wanted to fuck them just because you were being nice and talking to them?

 

And...Do you assume that just because someone is talking to you and being nice that that's an indication that they want to fuck you?

 

Does being nice equal I want to fuck you?

[BiloxiCouple 695]

So...is there anyone else who has had to deal with someone assuming you wanted to fuck them just because you were being nice and talking to them?

Normally when we are showing attention to a new (ish) couple at a house party. Because they haven't learned or re-learned how to talk to new people, especially in a sex situation.

 

And...Do you assume that just because someone is talking to you and being nice that that's an indication that they want to fuck you?

Yes and no. You have to talk to see if you can take it to the next level.

 

We actually had a lady chase us down when we were leaving a house party and holler at us that we couldn't leave because we hadn't fucked her and her husband yet and they wanted to fuck us

Hopefully, they were being semi-serious and semi-humorous at the same time. Maybe their way of saying bye while leaving an impression.

 

And having met ya'll a couple of times, I can say that this will happen to you. You are both great people to be around and make people around you comfortable.

[TNT 1,155]

Yes and no. You have to talk to see if you can take it to the next level.

 

That's very true...but, don't you think that at some point the talking to see if you want to take it to the next level turns to more of a flirting conversation when you are interested in taking it to the next level?

 

Ted and I both try to be careful not to flirt, lean in, touch or give any other indication that we are interested in playing unless we really are...we try and watch our P's and Q's so as not to have anyone assume anything...it is just frustrating on our part that we can't relax and be ourselves without giving the wrong impression.

 

Hopefully, they were being semi-serious and semi-humorous at the same time. Maybe their way of saying bye while leaving an impression.

 

I don't know...it just wigged both of us out and we really don't get wigged out that much.

 

And having met ya'll a couple of times, I can say that this will happen to you. You are both great people to be around and make people around you comfortable.

 

Thank you , that was a very nice compliment.

[TNT 1,155]

I hope I haven't given the impression that this is a bigger problem for us than it is...it was just an observation that Ted and I made about ourselves, that neither one of us are as outgoing at parties as we once were...and that we are working on us to find a balance so that we don't seem like that couple that sits in the corner and never interacts with anyone (that is so not us).

[Ed & Bunny 160]

We actually had a lady chase us down when we were leaving a house party and holler at us that we couldn't leave because we hadn't fucked her and her husband yet and they wanted to fuck us Ted and I looked at each other and both said we never gave an indication that we wanted to fuck them, we were just talking and being nice.

 

So...is there anyone else who has had to deal with someone assuming you wanted to fuck them just because you were being nice and talking to them?

 

And...Do you assume that just because someone is talking to you and being nice that that's an indication that they want to fuck you?

 

Does being nice equal I want to fuck you?

 

wow, that was a bit pushy. We try to be friendly and sociable with everyone. Just part of our nature. So far we haven't had anyone assume that with us. But we are still new and probably with time I can see it happening. anyone doing what that gal did to you would go away disappointed.

 

As for us, we dont assume, we hope. and if things are going well we ask if they are interested in moving to playing. Take last night for instance. We were at a table with several couples. One couple quietly asked if we wanted to join them in the hot tub. It was perfect, if we had no interest in them all we had to do was say no we want to dance some more. Nice and easy. But we were interested and did join them, and we then made the next move by asking if they wanted to go upstairs to the play area. Key word though is asked. Oh, and they did say yes.

[Tia Vampire 167]

We have this problem too. Well I should say I do more than him. He is more cold toward people he do not want to play with. I on the other hand try to be nice to everyone. It has brought on unwanted attention. If i'm interested in a playmate, I flirt alot and I will simply let them know. I hate guessing games. If a couple is interested in us and we are not, then we will say something along the line as, "we are not playing tonight, just getting to know people." If we are interested and they are not, we just move on to the next couple. Just as simple as that. The good thing about us though is, neither one of us really go out looking to get laid. We just go out to have a good time. If we do get laid, It was luck. They had to be a couple that made a very good impression on him or all the things we are looking for in a couple.

[sexcupid 809]

We actually had a lady chase us down when we were leaving a house party and holler at us that we couldn't leave because we hadn't fucked her and her husband yet and they wanted to fuck us

 

Wow...if we were interested, I would have let you know for maybe next time we see you at a party...but I don't know if I would have the balls to chase you down and tell you that you couldn't leave b/c we hadn't fucked yet. Just a bit too crass for my liking I guess...but maybe the thought of getting her hands on Ted's long, lusterous hair was just too much for her?

 

So...is there anyone else who has had to deal with someone assuming you wanted to fuck them just because you were being nice and talking to them?

 

Haven't had this happen yet.

 

And...Do you assume that just because someone is talking to you and being nice that that's an indication that they want to fuck you?

 

No, that whole assuming thing...if we make our interest known and the other couple doesn't bite on stepping up the conversation to flirt mode, no biggie...we can still have friendly chat.

 

Does being nice equal I want to fuck you ?

 

Like, how nice are you being? lmao Some people's way of flirting is to be nice and open...personally I like to know for sure before making a total ass out of myself (like the lady that chased you out of the party). So if we are dropping hints or flirty things and you don't reciprocate, that's ok...we know where we stand for the time being.

 

And to a fault, I do tend to be too nice to people at times. I don't want to be anti-social or not friendly, but I can see where that might lend itself to confusing another couple (like 'wow, she's so nice! she seems to be pretty chatty and into us...').

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

It's not just a house party thing. I think it's a fine line. On one hand you would think that if you are talking and being sociable with EVERYONE it would be hard for someone to think that you were flirting with / targeting THEM. But some people will anyway. On the other hand if you are more picky about who you talk to and only talk to a few people then it could be very easy for those few people to think you are interested in them if you are talking to them.

 

We've run into this same thing at our favorite club. We try to be nice to people and talk to at least those sitting around us or those that we encounter and on more than one occasion we've had a couple get the idea that because we were talking to them that we were interested in them.

[TNT 1,155]

.but maybe the thought of getting her hands on Ted's long, lusterous hair was just too much for her?

 

Well, he's not cutting it...I like playing with it too much. He said it wasn't his hair that he was worried about.

 

 

 

And to a fault, I do tend to be too nice to people at times. I don't want to be anti-social or not friendly

 

 

That's it...we definitely don't want to go against our nature and be unfriendly/anti-social...we're just working on finding where that fine line is where we're still outgoing yet not giving off the wrong impression.

[TNT 1,155]

It's not just a house party thing. I think it's a fine line. On one hand you would think that if you are talking and being sociable with EVERYONE it would be hard for someone to think that you were flirting with / targeting THEM. But some people will anyway. On the other hand if you are more picky about who you talk to and only talk to a few people then it could be very easy for those few people to think you are interested in them if you are talking to them.

 

We've run into this same thing at our favorite club. We try to be nice to people and talk to at least those sitting around us or those that we encounter and on more than one occasion we've had a couple get the idea that because we were talking to them that we were interested in them.

 

Exactly!!

[LFM2 1,482]

We both enjoy being very sociable...walking around the room, talking, laughing and cutting up with everyone...to us, being nice is just a part of our nature, we like talking to all types of different people and having a good time. (I'm not talking flirting with people...I'm talking just being sociably nice like you would in any group gathering)

 

WOW!! The parties you guys go to are much more "pushy" or "intense" than ours are here in Idaho. There are no assumptions at house parties and of course, Dave and I are like social butterflies when we go to house parties. We love to talk with everyone and we love to laugh. We're pretty much the same as you guys, but the guests don't seem to be as assumptive as the ones at yours.

 

we both have started being less outgoing, staying very close to each other, watching what we wear (or don't wear as the case may be) as well as being very careful with who we interact with. Which isn't really the way we want to be but...because of our relaxed natures and outgoingness and what we feel is just being nice and sociable, people seem to be getting the wrong impression...

 

I don't think this is your problem. This is faulty thinking on the part of the couple that's racing after you wanting to screw. Maybe if you two weren't so damn good looking!! Is this a new generation of swingers who are just starting out that presume if someone is nice and outgoing and they've talked with us and laughed with us then that must mean that they want to fuck? Everyone here still goes to house parties with no expectations.

 

Does being nice equal I want to fuck you ?

 

Not in our book. We think we're nice to everyone, but there are some people you are nice to, but you just don't want to touch them. We are nice to everyone, but couples and singles alike should not be so presumptive that just because you smile at them means that you automatically want to fuck them.

[sexcupid 809]

Well, he's not cutting it...I like playing with it too much. He said it wasn't his hair that he was worried about.

 

Well you have to start somewhere...and I don't blame you, I wouldn't want him to cut his hair either. lol

[VanHlebar 187]

Hey Teresa:

 

MrsVan and I have had this conversation a number of times when we are at our local club. I have this same problem as I am normally very out going and very "flirty" most of the time. I am like this a lot even if I am not interested. I enjoy flirting and more often than not I am doing it without even realizing it.

 

Fortunately it has not put us in any position similar to what you where in, but it sure could. When we are at our local club we have felt a little more reserved at times because we do worry about this. We like to talk to folks, meet new people and make new friends, but this doesn't always mean that we want to play. Now if we spend a lot of time with you...well then that is a different story.

[iapr 24]

In a way I really think this is one of things that just comes with the territory in swinging. This is an issue for sure and as you have discovered it can cause some discomfort at times but I agree with what another poster said in that you weren't doing anything wrong and if someone is making assumptions it their foul and not yours.

 

I feel fortunate in that one of the first things I ever came across when we were starting to do our homework in researching swinging I came across a passage somewhere that said, "anything other than an unqualified 'yes' is a 'no.'" I have interpreted that to mean that no matter how social, nice, flirty etc etc someone is to you, unless they specifically consent to having sex with you there are no guarentees and even then people can change their minds and walk. So no I do not consider someone being nice and flirty as an open door to their bedroom.

 

On the flip side of that I do not believe that we have ever given anyone mixed messages in being nice but you never know what is going on in someone else's mind. Niether of us are overtly social butterflies Mrs iapr (who is the good looking one) is pretty professional and reserved around people she has no intention of playing with. If anything I would be willing to bet that more people have thought of her as a stuck up snooting bitch (which she definately is NOT!) than have thought she had intentions of playing with them when she didn't.

 

I guess in a way it is a bit of a catch 22. If you are real outgoing and flirty by nature you are going to have someone that misinterprets your intentions and if you are reserved and standoffish and only socialize and flirt with those you are attracted to then some folks will think you are a snooty bitch.

 

But like i said in my opening statement I think this kind of thing comes with the territory. Swinging is very dynamic and often complex and then when you throw in a good dose of alcohol along with some raging hormones and it is an environment just ripe for some misunderstandings and miscues. I guess my only real advice is to be comfortable with the idea of being rejected and to be comfortable with the idea of saying no thank you to others when you are not interested in them. In the end noone has the right to EXPECT anything.

[WesternSwing 504]

We hadn't had this problem in the past, but we have encountered it in the last few months as we've joined an on-premise establishment and of course those there are truly swingers and not living on the fringe of the lifestyle like at many of the meet and greets and some house parties. I've had one instance with a woman, but Mrs. WS has had way too many with men, everything from slapping her on the ass whenever they want, taking a grope whenever she walks by, to assuming they can come play with us when we are playing with someone else.

 

This woman I had a problem with was all over me all night, having definitely assumed my being a social butterfly was an open invitation to stick her tongue down my throat anytime she wished. Then, the unimaginable happened. We hooked-up with a couple we know and as we were going to a private room she grabbed her husband and followed us in. We tried to play it off, but next thing we knew she was naked, her husband wasn't and she was moving in on my date with a strap-on, which she accomplished, leaving me out in the cold watching. My date suggested I get behind her and do her while she did my date to which her husband put the brakes on it because they are "soft swap only".

 

I'm still livid over this and it was weeks ago. But, now I've vented to someone other than my wife. Maybe I can let it go now.

 

We don't know quite yet how to let people know that we are being friendly and not necessarily interested in them past that, without being just downright non-sociable. They don't seem to understand that although everyone is there for sex, they are not there to have sex with everyone and anyone.

 

Other than the instance above, I can pretty well handle it since many of the women don't seem to be as grabby as the men, but poor Mrs. WS has been feeling like a human stress ball the way she's been manhandled recently and has had to be downright mean on several occasions to get the message through that she is not interested in fucking them just because she talked to them.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

=throw in a good dose of alcohol along with some raging hormones and it is an environment just ripe for some misunderstandings and miscues.

 

was the lady who chased you out to your car, about 5'7, shoulder length brunette hair,thin, kinda had a rasp in her voice, wearing a thin shear green teddy?

 

if so, we have met them .

 

her husband's best come-on line to mrs.fun was... "I pick you": confused:

 

ok, we are just wondering what was your reply to the lady.

[TNT 1,155]

I sort of fumbled out a "uh..uh..gotta go" and left her in a cloud of tire and diesel smoke. I had already been stressed by the lady that looked like a Shi-Tzu telling me she was "gonna suck that thing" and was just flat out of polite answers.

 

Ted

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

...people seem to be getting the wrong impression...that just because we were talking to them, laughing and having a good time that we want to play with them.

 

We both have always been very careful (or thought we were being careful) not to give off a vibe (flirt) that we wanted to play, unless we really did but, more and more we are finding that just being nice to people is causing them to assume we want to play.

What have people been saying, or doing, that makes you feel they are assuming you want to play?

 

I would think that when a couple is interested in you, they would tell you, are you just getting more people telling you lately and finding yourselves having to reject them?

 

Could it be that having to say "No thank you" to more people is the reason you are pulling back on being nice/sociable?

 

Your experience with the woman you mentioned was unlike anything I've heard before...yep, she was direct, but so many people are begging for people to be more direct. I certainly think she could have presented her interest differently, but I found her approach more funny than anything.

 

A big complaint I see mentioned in the forum of the ad site we belong to is nobody brings up the big question, "Do you want to play?" People seem to want to be asked, but don't have the nerve to ask others, as a result people complain they ain't gettin' any.

 

 

...So...is there anyone else who has had to deal with someone assuming you wanted to fuck them just because you were being nice and talking to them?

 

And...Do you assume that just because someone is talking to you and being nice that that's an indication that they want to fuck you?

 

Does being nice equal I want to fuck you ?

 

Teresa

We've had no indication that anyone has ever assumed we wanted to play with them because we were nice to them and talking with them.

 

When people are nice to us we never assume they want to have sex with us, unless the signals are so strong, in which case, if we aren't interested we keep things very "business" friendly, and when they are people we don't like at all (usually because they are pushy and don't know how to take a hint), we avoid them like the plague.

 

And to answer your final question, we don't think that being nice equals "I want to fuck you."

[TNT 1,155]

What have people been saying, or doing, that makes you feel they are assuming you want to play?

 

I would think that when a couple is interested in you, they would tell you, are you just getting more people telling you lately and finding yourselves having to reject them?

 

Could it be that having to say "No thank you" to more people is the reason you are pulling back on being nice/sociable?

 

First, this isn't something that just popped up overnight...it was an observation that Ted and I both had about ourselves in that we find ourselves not socializing as much as we once did when we attend house parties.

 

Your questions are good ones (I was hoping you'd give your insight )...it's not what they are saying more so what seems to be happening. I think both of us have gotten tired of being chased all over the place and being groped...myself by the men and Ted by the women...without either of us giving any indication that we would welcome the touch.

 

There have been times that we've sat and talked with a couple for a while, moved on to talk to someone else and the next thing we know, one or both of us are being cornered by someone we had previously spoken to earlier and having to slap hands away or find a polite way to say "I didn't give you permission to touch".

 

We love house parties, socials, clubs...anywhere that swingers hang out and the occasional touching is no big deal to us but...when it comes to the point that we feel all we've done all night is have to run from people and slap hands, it gets to the point that we find ourselves hanging onto each other more so than we used to.

 

It's like WesternSwing said...

They don't seem to understand that although everyone is there for sex, they are not there to have sex with everyone and anyone.

 

Neither of us have a problem saying "no thank you", when we are asked right out if we want to play (if we don't)...it think it really is more that we're just tired of people assuming that because we were polite, nice and sociable that it's an indication we are interested and that they can touch without permission.

 

 

Your experience with the woman you mentioned was unlike anything I've heard before...yep, she was direct, but so many people are begging for people to be more direct. I certainly think she could have presented her interest differently, but I found her approach more funny than anything.

 

Well, she was pretty drunk at the time and she probably didn't even remember it the next day.

[TNT 1,155]

WOW!! The parties you guys go to are much more "pushy" or "intense" than ours are here in Idaho. There are no assumptions at house parties and of course, Dave and I are like social butterflies when we go to house parties. We love to talk with everyone and we love to laugh. We're pretty much the same as you guys, but the guests don't seem to be as assumptive as the ones at yours.

 

Well, we do attend some very intense parties but...regardless there should never be any assumptions that just because you're there, you're open to playing with everyone else who is there.

[hmr 25]

We do have one couple who we all have to avoid because if you even speak to her she assumes you are going to "do " her. She is loud , obnoxious and not exactly the best at cleanliness. Unfortunately she has become a mamber of a group we are in on AFF and makes sure she is at all the meets.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

...it's not what they are saying more so what seems to be happening. I think both of us have gotten tired of being chased all over the place and being groped...myself by the men and Ted by the women...without either of us giving any indication that we would welcome the touch.

 

Neither of us have a problem saying "no thank you", when we are asked right out if we want to play (if we don't)...it think it really is more that we're just tired of people assuming that because we were polite, nice and sociable that it's an indication we are interested and that they can touch without permission.

 

Teresa

Now I understand. We're talking about roaming hands and unwanted gropes.

 

I dislike that too, but haven't had it happen often enough to be considered a burden.

 

There is one guy though who has bugged me too many times lately. The last time I was around him I thought, Man, if only there was something like those Invisible Fences for dogs that swingers could use. I could have a control in my pocket and then I'd push the button when this guy was grabbing my ass and he'd get zapped! I would act like nothing happened and he would walk away with this confused look on his face, never to return again.

 

I don't know what help to offer you Teresa and Ted, other than maybe try different parties/clubs that attract more of the kind of people you prefer being around. If you're finding the venues you usually attend are not as enjoyable as they once were, seek out some new ones.

 

Good luck to you and let us know how things are going a couple months down the road.

[LFM2 1,482]

We hadn't had this problem in the past, but we have encountered it in the last few months as we've joined an on-premise establishment and of course those there are truly swingers and not living on the fringe of the lifestyle like at many of the meet and greets and some house parties. I've had one instance with a woman, but Mrs. WS has had way too many with men, everything from slapping her on the ass whenever they want, taking a grope whenever she walks by, to assuming they can come play with us when we are playing with someone else.

 

Now, if I was Mrs. WS, I'm afraid I'd probably make a scene and haul off and smack him. I don't do well with people touching me without permission, except from Dave of course.

 

I about come unglued when a guy touched my hair. He didn't even touch my skin, but I wanted to beat the dog water outta him for just touching my hair.

 

How does Mrs. WS handle things like this?

[ncmd_couple 597]

Wow, after reading this thread....

 

I would never consider doing the things that some have had happen to them. As for the ladies being grabbed, knock him or her her on their ass. For guys, a firm grasp and saying no thank you.

[WesternSwing 504]

Now, if I was Mrs. WS, I'm afraid I'd probably make a scene and haul off and smack him. I don't do well with people touching me without permission, except from Dave of course.

 

I about come unglued when a guy touched my hair. He didn't even touch my skin, but I wanted to beat the dog water outta him for just touching my hair.

 

How does Mrs. WS handle things like this?

The first time she'll just get out of the perps general vicinity. If it continues she has no trouble verbally letting him know in a snide quip kind of way that gets the message across to him, but sounds sarcastic and funny to the others around. She is quick that way.

 

Wow, after reading this thread....

 

I would never consider doing the things that some have had happen to them. As for the ladies being grabbed, knock him or her her on their ass. For guys, a firm grasp and saying no thank you.

The problem with this is it sounds good in theory, but in real life at a party or a club it can make a huge scene and "drama", which is not what we want to do. A polite way out would be the best, and for most, they take the hint. But as TNT has pointed out, some just don't.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

The problem with this is it sounds good in theory, but in real life at a party or a club it can make a huge scene and "drama", which is not what we want to do. A polite way out would be the best, and for most, they take the hint. But as TNT has pointed out, some just don't.

This is a good point.

 

When being the receiver of an unwanted touch/grope the person giving it to you is usually wearing a smile and appears "nice" to everyone from across the room. And (this is important) they get their grab in so fast that when you do want to respond if you say anything too loudly, put a nasty look on your face or retaliation is too forceful or attacking, it will be YOU that everyone notices. You can end up looking like the villain because most people won't know what happened beforehand.

 

Always keep your cool, keep your voice low, be direct and look them in the eye when anything is said or done (physically) to the aggressor. Keep your response as unnoticeable to others as possible. Even when doing this those close by will likely catch on that something wasn't quite right, which is okay because they are close enough - may already know you well enough - to understand that you did what you had to do. It also sends out a warning to others to watch out for the offending person, should he/she approach you.

 

I've picked up on a number of people who I watch more closely now, simply because my female friends have had to ward gropers off.

[WesternSwing 504]

Always keep your cool, keep your voice low, be direct and look them in the eye when anything is said or done (physically) to the aggressor. Keep your response as unnoticable to others as possible. Even when doing this those close by will likely catch on that something wasn't quite right, which is okay because they are close enough - may already know you well enough - to understand that you did what you had to do. It also sends out a warning to others to watch out for the offending person, should he/she approach you.

Exactly. Be a diplomat, which is really nothing more than the ability to say "nice doggy" while you're looking for a big rock. Which Mrs. WS is quite good at, letting the other person know with a scathing comment that their advances are not wanted, yet to everyone else around she appears witty and funny. However I need to learn some of that because I'm probably still too nice.

[MRnMSbhaven 45]

I'd just like to interject as the newbies...

 

We never assume anyone wants to play with us unless they or we actually say "we'd like to play, what do you think?"

 

As for the gropers... well, they're getting on my last nerve lately. Mr B can attest this is a very bad thing. I'm just hoping I can continue to maintain composure and be the bigger person. I like the shock collar thought!

[socolais 696]

It's funny how the common denominator is simply communication. The problem is that someone misreads clues or jumps to premature conclusions - who is really the "victim".

 

The distinction between a welcome gesture and an unwelcome one is subtle and often gets blurry at a sex party. Each party has it's own "mood" and the folks having the most fun can read the vibes and act accordingly. We've been to parties where the absence of a grope or kiss would be an indication of a lack of interest. I've touched a lady on the knee as an invitation to get closer in the hot tub. I've fondled a ladies hair as a way of saying I was interested in her. And yeah, I've grabbed a few asses and mostly been grabbed right back. I've been grabbed and pulled into a bedroom. It's not the WHAT that's being done, it's the HOW and WHEN that makes the difference. We've also been to a party where there was a much longer "flirting phase" before the "touching phase".

 

More communication happens with the eyes than with the mouth....

 

As a side observation, the ladies that have invited me to play had already made their decision about me before they approached. They were quick and direct with their invitation. I tend to flirt a little bit and then make a decision about an invitation - if they don't flirt back, I don't feel the pain of rejection.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

It's not the WHAT that's being done, it's the HOW and WHEN that makes the difference. We've also been to a party where there was a much longer "flirting phase" before the "touching phase".

 

More communication happens with the eyes than with the mouth....

 

 

Unfortunately, some people are too busy in their own brains deciding what other people are thinking to really pay attention to what is actually going on.

 

 

On the other end of this spectrum. We were at the club one night and a new couple was sitting at the table next to us. We had spoken to them when they sat down. When they got up to go dance they had asked us to keep an eye on their table for them. Our experience has always been that if you leave your table at the club it's no big deal no one will bother it. If there is something on the table it is assumed someone is sitting there, and that's what we told them.

 

Sure enough, 15 minutes later someone came up and took their table. A couple sitting on the other side of them asked us if we'd seen them because they had had the same conversation with them and like us they were feeling really bad that someone had taken their table. We did say something to the couple who took their table and evidently they were new as well (and didn't know better), but they didn't move.

 

So feeling bad we tried to keep an eye out for them. I'm guessing they had gone upstairs to play or whatever as we didn't see them for quite a while. When we finally saw them later on the dance floor I mentioned that I had been watching for them because of what happened with the table. She made some comment that intimated to me that she thought I had just been looking for them because we were interested in them. I was just trying to be nice and watch out for someone new... but they took it the wrong way and got offended.

[Pepper & Drew 384]

Yep, we had this problem early on. There was a couple we struck up a conversation with at the first local social we went to. They were nice, but we weren't interested. Next thing we know, they're on us like white on rice. Finally, after a couple of months of ducking and dodging, we told them we weren't interested. We won't ever wait that long thinking someone will get the hint. More often than not, they won't.

 

Now, we don't have that problem. We have just the opposite. We're not big, big flirters and people think that we aren't interested when we are.

[johntoniswing 15]

I think that is why you have to be real careful on the people that attend your house parties and I'm sure that it is a lesson learned for a lot of people that host house parties on a regular basis.

[TNT 1,155]

I think that is why you have to be real careful on the people that attend your house parties and I'm sure that it is a lesson learned for a lot of people that host house parties on a regular basis.

 

That's very true but...no matter how careful the host/hostess are with their invites, sometimes there are going to be people who just, for some reason, forget their basic manners at home.

 

As has been pointed out in this thread, it's not just house parties that this occurs at...and, it's not just house parties that Ted and I have noticed this change in us.

 

You two have known us long enough and been in different types of party settings with us enough, that I'm sure ya'll have noticed the change in our socializing behavior. It's definitely something that we're going to start working on and hopefully find that balance that use to come so easily for us.

[Chicup 41]

This has been a problem for us on both ends.

 

There are times you just want to be social and the other couple is afraid to talk to you because they don't' want to play with you. Likewise Mrs. Chicup is one of those types who just can't be rude to anyone and she will get corned by a couple we have no interest in and she will chat nicely on unable to get away and creating an awkward 'no thank you' moment later on.

 

I think this is just one of those annoying parts of swinging that there is no good answer for.

[johntoniswing 15]

I guess you're right. We must be rubbing off on you and Ted. Y'all are turning into the wallflowers me and Toni used to be.

[scott9255 15]

There will always be the random extreme case, i.e. the lady chasing you. These should be handled by the host of the party taking them aside and reminding them of the etiquette required at parties.

 

Consider if your attitudes have changed and your interest in playing at parties has waned. Once you felt the advances of other couples, interested in playing, was flattering and welcomed. Now you find that same interest annoying and are only interested in the social aspect of the party. You may have become more selective or only want to play with friends.

Here are some questions you might consider.

 

When you're interested in playing with a couple how do you show your interest? Do you think they see you as aggressive? Do you have, what you consider, acceptable cues that you are interested in playing with a couple? If you do, why are your cues acceptable and the cues from others, annoying or unwelcomed. When you express and interest in another couple and they're not interested, how do they tell you they're not interested?

[TNT 1,155]

You have brought up some very valid questions/view point. I'll try and answer ....

 

Consider if your attitudes have changed and your interest in playing at parties has wained.

 

Can't say our interested in playing has changed and/or wained over the years. We still very much enjoy playing at parties.

 

Once you felt the advances of other couples, interested in playing, was flattering and welcomed. Now you find that same interest annoying and are only interested in the social aspect of the party.

 

Still find interest flattering and welcomed IF done in a polite manner. What bugs us now, bugged us years ago, it just seems to be happening more often. We do enjoy the social aspect of parties, but we still enjoy playing at them as well.

 

 

You may have become more selective or only want to play with friends.

 

Still just as selective as we've always been. We have friends we play with and friends that are just fun to hang with and we're always interested in exploring new people.

 

When you're interested in playing with a couple how do you show your interest? Do you think they see you as agressive?

 

If anything, we're probably not aggressive enough, ...we are not pushy people and if there is someone that we are interested in playing with we come right out and ask...Are ya'll interested in playing.

 

 

Do you have, what you consider, acceptable cues that you are interested in playing with a couple? If you do, why are your cues acceptable and the cues from others, annoying or unwelcomed.

 

Not sure I understand this question but...I do not think that it is ever acceptable for a man to corner me somewhere and start trying to kiss me while he is running his hands all over me and trying to stick his finger up my pussy. I also do not think that it is acceptable for a woman to do this to a man. Ted and I NEVER touch someone unless we are both sure the touch is going to be welcomed (talking about a sexual touch here)...asking before we touch. A smile, how are you tonight and polite conversation is NOT an invitation to touch.

 

 

When you express and interest in another couple and they're not interested, how do they tell you they're not interested?

 

Ummm, we've never been turned down when we've approached a couple that we wanted to play with...so can't answer that question.

[scott9255 15]

Aloha Teresa,

Mahalo (thank you) for your through reply.

 

A few years ago I attended house parties at a couple's house in NJ. As a new attendee, we were required to come an hour early for a sit and chat. The host and hostess spent that hour going over the do and don't in their house. It was a little uncomfortable at first and I soon realized the value of that get acquainted meeting. They were some of the best parties We ever attended. My partner never experience an unwanted grope.

 

I must admit, it's been a few years since I've attended a large house party. Two years ago I moved to my 75 acre farm, in a remote part of the Big Island of Hawaii. Our play these days is meeting couples who live a distance away or are here on a vacation.

 

I hate to hear that things have moved in that direction.

 

To explain my question, "Do you have, what you consider, acceptable cues that you are interested in playing with a couple? If you do, why are your cues acceptable and the cues from others, annoying or unwelcomed."

 

I was playing devil's advocate. Say we're talking to you and being nice and you say, "Are Ya'll interested in playing?" I'm thinking, I was just being nice and not ready or interested in playing with you. I could consider your question to be too aggressive or inappropriate.

 

BTW, I agree with everything you said in your response and I have encountered those folks. Guys grabbing my wife's breasts or reaching under her skirt while talking or dancing. At the time they were few and far between and quickly asked to leave. Excessive drinkers were the most annoying to Us. There's nothing worse than someone intoxicated, making a pass.

[cplnuswing 4,713]

This is something we've always got in the back of our mind since we're the type that doesn't want to offend, like being perceived as coming onto to someone who doesn't want you coming on to them. We're somewhat reserved to start with, so that's probably been to our detriment.

 

On the receiving end, at clubs she has had a few guys that interpreted an invitation for a friendly dance as a burning desire to be immediately groped once hitting the dance floor, but that's been by far the exception rather than the rule, most guys are super polite and respectful.