Being Picky about your partner's partner

[Guest Unregistered]

Hello,

 

I have been reading this forum for a while and it has been enlightening. We are not yet into the lifestyle but still thinking if its right for us or not.

 

Here is my question: There are some discussions on being picky about your partner, but how many people are picky about their SO's partner. For example i've thought about friends we know and thought if i would be ok with my partner having sex with them or not. Do other people do this or do they usually leave it up to their SO to decide who they do or do not want to sleep with? or is it some sort of mutual decision.

 

Thanks

[cocpl2007 170]

Thoughtful post. While the "who" we are with is a mutual decision, either one of us has the veto power over anything happening. Never will we, again, "take one for the team" so to speak. Also we've found it very helpful to have some mutually agreed upon, very discreet, signal to each other which we use at our first meeting to let each other know our initial impressions. It is a mutual decision for us.

[Ed & Bunny 160]

We are the same as COCPL in that it is a mutual descision. And in that we can both choose not to play because we just dont want to see our partner with someone. Its not a vindictive thing, its just we dont want to do it if the other half is not going to be turned on by whats happening.

[bobbyv50 15]

We feel the same way. We have "taken one for the team only later to find out that we just did not fit well with the other cpl. After that we both decided that we only play with other cpls that we BOTH feel comfortable with and that there is a mutual attraction by all.

[VegasLee 1,486]

Even though Laura agreed to be my wife she never agreed that I would tell her what or who to do or not do.

 

She is a grown adult and she makes her own decisions. I personally do not feel I have the right to tell her who she can or can not play with. That is all up to her. At the same time she has not and I am betting never will tell me who I will play with.

[sexcupid 809]

Well I am wondering if this thread wasn't spawned by some comments on other threads. The one that pops to mind is something like, 'I'm a man-whore and am not super picky about females...but I am picky about the male of the other couple'. (I think that was a mash up of a few responses on the other thread I think, sorry.) They want to 'click' with the other guy, make sure the guy is 'worthy' of his wife, etc.

 

Personally, if I am uncomfortable in a situation, I will let Jeff know. If either member of another couple rubs me the wrong way, I know that all I have to do is say it's not working for me. He has the same level of power, so to speak, in that he can also put the brakes on things at anytime. Is that being picky? I don't think so...but to others it may be.

 

I don't want to stop my sweetie from having a good time...but I don't want to feel like a wet blanket to the other couple (read the threads on limp partners...male or female...people know when you aren't totally digging it).

 

Maria

[LFM2 1,482]

I responded to the thread that Maria is speaking about. I do want to clarify that even though he may be picky about whom my partner may be, I believe it's his protective side coming through. Dave wouldn't dream of telling me who I can or can't play with. If I was uncomfortable, I'd say something. The same goes for him. In fact, we have a little code, eye contact that tells each other what the other is thinking. We don't play with anyone we feel leary of. Since we are a couple, we truly have each others best interests at heart. My big wish for him is to have the time of his life. I want him to be absolutely the happiest man on earth.

[The Fuse 1,012]

Mr. Fuse also wants to make sure my potential partners are "worthy" of me. At first I was taken aback by this, but he gives two reasons that make sense to me.

 

One reason is that as my choice as a husband, and knowing that my partners are also my choices as men (at least temporarily), he doesn't want to consider himself in the same realm as some hypothetical disgusting guy or a jerk. My mind doesn't work this way personally, but I can see why other peoples' might.

 

The other reason is that Mr. Fuse is a shy guy who went out with very few women before me. He always was the nice, sweet guy who didn't get the girl, but saw her going out with a jerk who mistreated her. Some of his feelings on this matter are left over from that period in his life. He doesn't want to see me with the kind of guy who was mean to the girls he liked as a teenager and young adult.

 

I want to make sure I like and respect his potential partners, because otherwise I wouldn't want to see him in bed with them.

[incognito989 15]

Do other people do this or do they usually leave it up to their SO to decide who they do or do not want to sleep with? or is it some sort of mutual decision.

 

It's kind of a mutual thing. If a guy gives me the creeps, or something, I'll let her know and we won't play. Both of us have to be 'on board' to play, so to speak.

[Semod 15]

I don't choose Mrs. SEMOD's partners, she's free to do as she pleases. There have been times where she surprises me as to who she's willing to play with. But I get pleasure out of seeing her pleasured. If she's having a good time, that's all that matters.

[kandoo 15]

Hello all, I started this thread and decided to register as I may have more questions or observations.

 

Fuse has hit it on the head I think. I too was the shy person in the past and didn't have any sexual relationships other then with people I was in a relationship with ( dated a few girls, each 2.5 years or more). And so the kind of guy I would not want my wife with is someone who is just looking to score ( though that may be the bottom line for everyone) or someone that will be the type to share stories with his buddies. Of course I want her to pick the person, but I want some input. I was just wondering if others felt the same or not..

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

I don't think it's so much about picking your partner's partners or about my partner choosing my own, so much as respect for each other. If my partner were to say they did not want me with someone I would respect that wish and would expect the same of him.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

Being picky about your SO's partner has never been a thought, until reading this thread.

 

I think the reason for this is that both of us are picky enough with our own partners and we know the type of people we'll both click with. So neither of us has ever told the other not to play with someone because we didn't care for them.

 

Once we find a couple to play with, we play. If after that either of us discovers we don't care to play again with that person, even if one of us is still interested in playing with their spouse, it vetoes the play because neither of us will continuing playing with a person for the sake of the other.

 

I am sure that if one of us did not care for a person and objected to letting the other play, we'd not hesitate to agree to that request. I can't imagine making Mr LM allow me to play with someone he would not like, nor would I want to.

 

Swinging aside, we have always consulted each other on things we want to do if it is a weighty decision...most recently buying a flat screen TV. I had to know more and give my input before the moola was spent.

 

Sex with other people seems at least as important a decision as a flat screen TV.

 

LM

[magiriano 84]

My hubby has just convinced me to try swinging. Honestly, we both would be particular about picking a partner for our partner. My hubby is a very handsome/elegant sexy and sensual lover. The tall dark handsome fantasy many women would love. I wouldn't want just anyone to have him. He's too fabulous a lover for that. So yes, I would be picky. I would want some one who wishes he was all her's....not some one who just wants to play with him. Anyway, we both seem to have the same taste when it comes to looks and intellect. I know he loves me enough to want me to have a partner I wish were mine if I didn't have him. But it is to each couple their own.

 

Mrs Magiriano

[WesternSwing 504]

I don't pick Mrs. WS's partners and I would never be so controlling as to do so and the same goes with her and my partners. However, if either of us gets the willies from the other person for any reason than they have the right to veto any action with them. Sometimes a man picks up on man clues and women on women clues that the opposite sex just doesn't, just because we grew-up knowing all the tricks of our gender.

 

Besides, Mrs. WS's "type" changes with the wind. I have never been able to pinpoint a particular man she wants to be with. Many times those I thought would make her hot have done nothing for her, and guys I'd never dream she'd be interested in get her all hot and bothered. Go figure.

[Ellyanne77 81]

I would not say that we are picky about each others partners but we do offer our opinions to each other. Attraction is a stange thing. We have both found attractions in others that we would have never thought. I the male am what most people would describe as very preppy, but I have an incredible fascination with goth girls with lots of tatoos. My wife is very attracted to older sophisticated men. So if there are any 50 year old yacht owners with a goth wife then give us shout lol...

[Tybee Swing 286]

Do other people do this or do they usually leave it up to their SO to decide who they do or do not want to sleep with? or is it some sort of mutual decision.

 

Just by virtue of the fact that we play together as a couple and we almost always play with another couple, we pick them as a pair (mutual decision).

 

I don't "decide" who he'll sleep with, but if I got a very bad vibe about someone, I'd share it with him. He'd do the same. We've talked about this...men can spot men who are skeezy, and women know when other women are up to no good or have the wrong agenda. The opposite sex can sometimes be snowed by charms, but the same sex can see through it. We call this phenomenon "men know men and women know women". I think that most of you know what I mean by this.

 

We've very rarely resorted to this - haven't had to. But we both actually want each other to use their same-sex special radar to weed out the wrong people for us.

[sweet_tna 680]

Mr. Sweet and I decide together who we'll play with unless it's a group situation (then it's every man/woman for himself/herself). But if either of us ever felt uncomfortable with the person the other was playing with, we'd respect that.