Couple interested in wife but not me

[big_ems 15]

There is a couple, that wants to have a intimate relationship with my wife, but does not want to include me. I talk to the lady, all the time, and she says my wife wouldn't have sex with them if I was present. She says my wife needs to have time to know them, before I enter into the situation. She has talked about being with her husband, when he does my wife, and her only being there for comfort to my wife. Kind of like a coach or something. She did mention that after a few times with him and my wife, she would like to have sex with her too. Perhaps a one on one with my wife.

 

I have asked her, if I could just watch, and she said in due time. I asked about doing her, but she says she only likes black guys with large endowments, and I don't fit the bill either way.

 

I am williing to let them do want they want as long as the wife is favorable to it too. She has told me that she wanted me there while they screwed, but the couple says no way. What should I do?

[sweet_tna 680]

Sounds like this couple wants to go where you're not comfortable going. That is reason enough to pass them by. That your wife wants you present as well and they still aren't okay with it is the kiss of death.

 

There are plenty of other fish in the sea.

[VegasLee 1,486]

If your wife wants you there, and you want to be there and the other couple does not want to agree with it then don't play with the other couple.

 

Sometimes, many times two couples can not agree on what they want or are all attracted to each other. When that happens keep it simple, move on and find a couple that works for the both of you.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

This is all so wrong in so many ways.

 

I get the feeling you've been e-mailing with this "woman" of the couple quite a bit and you've probably shared information with her that you haven't shared with us in your OP that caused "her" to make these requests. Nonetheless, this whole thing smells of rotten fish to me.

 

I looked at your SLS profile and you're brand new at this and haven't any experience with swinging. I think someone is trying to take advantage of you in the worst way.

 

I don't think this "couple" is a couple at all. I don't think it's even a woman writing to you. I think it's a man, alone, who has contacted you and is pretending to be the woman of couple. He wants to meet with your wife privately. Who knows what he would do to her! Simply stated, this "couple" is a fake.

 

I have to wonder about your motivation for even considering such a proposal. Your profile is written from a very one-sided stance...your wife seems only marginally interested in swinging. You seem to be the one eager to give it a try. I can't understand why you would even consider sending your wife off alone to play for the first time without you unless you hope this will give you what you want in the end.

 

Drop this "couple" pronto.

[Tybee Swing 286]

There is a couple, that wants to have a intimate relationship with my wife, but does not want to include me. I talk to the lady, all the time, and she says my wife wouldn't have sex with them if I was present. She says my wife needs to have time to know them, before I enter into the situation.

 

Who is she, some person online, to tell you what your wife needs or wants? Isn't that up to you and your wife to know?? I agree with LM. You are being scammed and manipulated.

 

#1 rule in swinging: what you do and who you do it with, and how you go about it, is between you and your partner to decide and agree on. Don't let anybody else tell you what you need to do. You and your wife both know that you want to be together as a couple, and that swinging is for the two of you to do together, as a couple. Do not let others dictate to you!

 

Run away from those people, don't walk!

 

Does your wife read this board, too? You'll get real support and good information here.

[Tybee Swing 286]

I just read your profile, too. You say on it that your wife is very "questionable" about the lifestyle, and that she hasn't gotten her questions answered about it.

 

There is probably no better place for that on the 'net than this board. Are you two seeking answers together? Make sure that your communication between you two is very good before you proceed. Make sure that you're respecting her wishes and boundaries along the way.

[ncmd_couple 597]

Big_EMS,

 

I echo what the others have said. This a personal security situation that should be sounding alarm bells in your head that I could hear up here! I also want to reiterate that if you wife has questions, this is the place for her to get answers.

[Guest ibn battuta]

Ditto to the above posts. Something is wrong here, and you shouldn't let yourself get pressured into a situation you and/or your partner isn't 100% comfortable with. I am sure there are plenty of other fish in the sea that will understand and respect your boundaries.

[Ellyanne77 81]

Wheew, It will be a cold day in hell before another couple tells me what my wife is going to do without my consent or comfort. I better end this post, I feel it making the Dr.Jekll side of me come out..

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

As others have said rather than talking to the female half of another couple about what your wife wants and what's best for her, you need to be talking to your wife. No where in your post have you told us that your wife has told you anything

[Alura 2,774]

I can't really add to what the others have said. That it is unanimous should tell you that this is a very dangerous situation y'all don't want to go near!

[curious_2for2 92]

Although we're rather new here, we'd be pulling out the red flags and waving them all over the place. If mutual participation is important to you, then these people aren't for you. There's plenty of good people out there to help you learn the pleasures...

[Spoomonkey 421]

big_ems said:

She has told me that she wanted me there while they screwed, but the couple says no way. What should I do?

 

Respect your wife's wishes and expect the same from the other couple. If she wants you there, but they don't, then move on. There are other fish in the sea.

 

This is a couple I wouldn't touch with a 10-foot pole. You guys have to play YOUR WAY. I wouldn't put up with ultimatums. If your wife wanted to play alone - and you supported that - I'd say go for it; just don't expect the three of them ever to invite you into the picture - you may be in for a let down.

 

But since she doesn't want to play without you, then there really isn't an issue here.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

big ems, I would like to welcome you to the swingers board, but I'm really thankful that you came here. Presenting something like this to others was a very wise thing to do. These people, or woman, if there really is a woman involved, are misleading you to say the least. Everything about this, as you can see from others in this lifestyle here. say,

 

DANGER... BIG TIME... DANGER

 

If what you say is going on with you and the other woman, do you talk to her in person, Face to Face? Or , is this someone that is leading you in this direction through chatting on- line? or e-mails?

 

Has your wife ever spoke with this other woman, on the phone or in person?

[big_ems 15]

I have been talking to the wife of the couple on yahoo messenger. My wife has met both of them at her store, but hasn't had time to sit and talk to them. I know she is real, and who I am talking to, because of the way she types, and the kind of work she does. Her husband is a farmer, and is out farming, or working on equipment during the day. She works in an office, with a computer, and talks on it at work. These people are real. They have been swingers for 25 years, so they say. I have talked to other couples in their area, and they talk highly of them.

 

Their excuse is that since my wife is new to swinging, they should be able to coach her in that way, and that she might open up to them differently, than if I was there. In a way it makes sense, in a way it doesn't. Wife told me, even if she does consider swinging, we are doing it together.

[Spoomonkey 421]

big_ems said:

Wife told me, even if she does consider swinging, we are doing it together.

 

Case closed...

[socolais 696]

big_ems said:

Their excuse is that since my wife is new to swinging, they should be able to coach her in that way, and that she might open up to them differently, than if I was there.

 

I can't imagine the logic behind that statement. If it's not flat out wrong, it's at least on some fringe of swinging....

[TNT 1,155]

big_ems said:

I am williing to let them do want they want as long as the wife is favorable to it too. She has told me that she wanted me there while they screwed, but the couple says no way. What should I do?

 

Not meaning to be mean or cold hearted here but...seriously, this is a no brainer. What should you do? STOP listening to this couple and think for yourselves.

 

 

big_ems said:

They have been swingers for 25 years, so they say. I have talked to other couples in their area, and they talk highly of them.

 

Their excuse is that since my wife is new to swinging, they should be able to coach her in that way, and that she might open up to them differently, than if I was there. In a way it makes sense, in a way it doesn't. Wife told me, even if she does consider swinging, we are doing it together.

 

I don't care how long they have been into swinging or how highly they are talked about by others...this is NOT...repeat...NOT about what they want. This is about what you and your wife want.

 

If your wife cannot open up to you, then swinging is not something either of you should be doing.

 

Your wife has said you are doing it together...to quote Spoomonkey..."Case closed". Tell this other couple thanks but no thanks and move on. There are many, many couples in swinging who will be willing to move at a pace you and your wife will be comfortable with.

 

NEVER let someone talk you into doing something you are not comfortable with. You are not comfortable with this couple and neither is your wife.

 

Teresa

[BCinIN 52]

MAJOR red flags here. I can see a lot of problems for you particularly in the near future should you accept this situation, unless you like being a pushover. I hate to be so blunt about it, but that's honestly all this is: they want you to let them have their way with your wife however they want, and for you to just take a hike! Very bad news in my opinion. My advice is to look for a couple that will respect both of you and your wishes.

[Chicup 41]

You wife has a better head on her shoulders than you have.

 

Follow her feelings.

[LikeMinds321 1,527]

big_ems said:

 

My wife has met both of them at her store, but hasn't had time to sit and talk to them.

So this isn't just a Cyber thing as I first thought. Even though I now know they are real and your wife has met this couple, my advice is still not to play with them.

 

I'm curious as to how these people came upon your wife at her store? Had they already contacted you online previous to them showing up at her store? Did you reveal to them where your wife worked, and then they showed up unannounced, without invitation?

 

When starting out as "newbies" it isn't unusual to feel you should go along with what more experienced swingers who contact you to play suggest you do. You may be saying to yourself that you don't know much about swinging and they do. Be careful that you don't become passive and let those who want to swing with you do all the thinking for you. If you are too eager to jump into swinging there can be a tendency to do that.

 

You and your wife's guidelines and comfort levels should always be priority; any swingers who are worthy of you (no matter how new to swinging they are or how long they've been playing) will understand this and honor your rules for play. If they can't, they will say, "Thanks for your interest, but we aren't compatible."

[sweet_tna 680]

Just because ya'll are new doesn't mean you throw your common sense and intuition out the window. More experienced couples don't know everything just 'cause they have more experience. And this couple most certainly does NOT appear to know what's best for you and your wife. What's best for ya'll is to find SOMEONE ELSE to play with, who will RESPECT your boundaries.

 

Like Spoo said, "case closed".

[redgirlwithfrec 33]

More experienced couples would not be doing that to you if they were not being selfish like this couple is. Seriously find someone you are more compatible with, where all 4 of you will have an enjoyable time, You said already that your wife wants you there. If you want to be friends with this couple fine but we would not go near them. They are looking for their 3some and that is all it seems. Don't let them take advantage of you in this way.

[Reef99 30]

big_ems said:

There is a couple, that wants to have a intimate relationship with my wife, but does not want to include me. I talk to the lady, all the time, and she says my wife wouldn't have sex with them if I was present. She says my wife needs to have time to know them, before I enter into the situation. She has talked about being with her husband, when he does my wife, and her only being there for comfort to my wife. Kind of like a coach or something. She did mention that after a few times with him and my wife, she would like to have sex with her too. Perhaps a one on one with my wife.

 

I have asked her, if I could just watch, and she said in due time. I asked about doing her, but she says she only likes black guys with large endowments, and I don't fit the bill either way.

 

I am wiling to let them do want they want as long as the wife is favorable to it too. She has told me that she wanted me there while they screwed, but the couple says no way. What should I do?

 

These people sound like they are control freaks. Run as fast as you can from them! There is no way I would let someone tell us "my wife wouldn't have sex with them if I was present."

 

Everything about this situation is just wrong! Nasty wrong!!!!

[MRSfun 152]

big ums, my husband fun4ds chatted with you some last night in a private chat.He was concerned about your well being and your wifes safety.. From the sounds of this thread as you can see, many honest swingers in this lifestyle are trying to give just that. Good advice. Its not a perfect world, we found that out the hard way. And your putting your trust in the hands of others here. I'm not trying to disclose what you two may have shared personally.Thats between you and him, but i was here.

 

I think what others are missing here is that you made the contact with this couple. IT is your wife who doesn't feel comfortable with this lifestyle. You asked these people to help her understand what it is you want. I get the feeling that this is not something either of you have done blindly. Without checking these peoples background.

 

I feel YOU have gone about this in a poor way, your actions. Not you personally,your wife,or even the other couple.I don't feel anyone, between all of you are bad people.But the way you talked about this, it certainly makes this couple seem like evil villains.

 

That being said we welcome you, and MRS. Big Ums to the swingers board.

 

This is more of a situation about you and her playing separate, or alone at your request. We don't follow that type of lifestyle for personal reasons, but we don't hold it against others who can or do.Your wife has let everyone know that nothing is going to happen without her permission. (Shes my kinda gal now).There are others here who play alone that would have a very good understand and experience of playing alone. We hope both of you can join in on any conversations here and share some ideas or thoughts from you or Mrs.big ums about her feelings. Hang in there and talk between you two. Take things slow.

[djjwp 129]

Sounds like they want her and not you, NEXT! Cut the conversation and move on, they are not being fair or realistic, all four need to agree or nothing in our rule book.

[BiloxiCouple 695]

The reason everyone is saying NO in a very loud voice in the information originally given. If we have or get more information like MRSfun has access to then we can adjust our opinions based on that information.

 

We can only talk about what you have given us. For us to help you more if you want it, you need to come back to this post and give us the information to work with. Or just tell us you have made your decision and leave it at that. We are here for you.

 

The basic rule of thumb for us is that it is all about us.

[Bunny&Ed 21]

Alarm, Alarm, yes, too all thee above..

 

Stay away, danger will robinson!

 

This reminds me of the expression, "I'm allergic to condoms..."

 

WHAT! You have got to be kidding. Only her and not you...something is rotton in the water...My advise, don't drink the water...Run away as fast as you can....

 

There are so many other fish in the sea, wait and find the right ones..There is no rush...

 

Your gut feeling will not lead you wrong, it's your bodies natural alarm system to warn you of danger.

[Cpl2share 147]

In all fairness: We have found a lot of people both couples and singles who would love to play with just Mrs. Cpl, but not me. Make sense to me/us? You bet, I would rather play with Mrs. Cpl than myself, duh! But we would never consider trying to force one person out of the scene. The old adage that we always come back to is: Good for the goose is good for the gander. There is no couple (or single) in the world who can comfort Mrs. Cpl like I can, and vise versa. The best thing for you to do is run like hell, or give us different information on which to base our advice.

[daisy girl 34]

Unfortunately, sounds like they want a single female, not a couple. If she started playing with them, i bet the opportunity for a four-some would never materialize. As others have said, there are multiple red flags with this couple...RUN away!!!

[big_ems 15]

I appreciate all the comments so far. Yesterday, the wife of the couple, came to my wife's store, and they chatted for a while. The thing we can't understand, is that she always tells my wife to call her husband, and talk to him. She won't give any details of what he has to say to her. My wife is really curious, but doesn't want to call, and talk, if she is going to turn him down anyways. My wife says she really likes talking to them, but she has already decided not to have any sex with them.

 

She says she wants to be friends, and she is going to tell them that she doesn't want a sexual relationship, but rather just friends. If they act negative towards it, then she is going to drop all of it.

 

In a sense, my wife is very new to this idea. I participated in swinging, with an old g/f 30 years ago, and had lots of fun doing it. Now that we both have gained some weight, we don't have the fun we had when we were smaller. Seems like our bellies get in the way now, lol. Most of the time, it turns out where we are on our backs, with our feet at each others head, and she jacks me off, and I finger her out. Thats our sex life. She always complains about not being penetrated like when she was younger. (her ex husband, and ex boyfriend were 8+, and she misses the feeling) I bought her dildos, and a viberator, but she says it isn't like the real thing. She also likes the feel of a man on her too. I looked into extensions, but nothing worked for me, I just don't get hard enough to keep it going with an extension, and that leads to more frustration. So, I guess I got started looking at different sites, and I was the one that found the couple. They were somewhat local, and sounded really experienced. They said they liked oversized women, and that is what got my attention. Since I couldn't provide my wife with enjoyable sex, I was looking for someone that could. Then when I found someone, they say they only want her, because she is new, and will open up more to them, if I am not around. I told them, I wouldn't comment on anything, just watch. I even told the wife of the couple, I could at least give her some oral sex, and she said no, she only liked penetration.

 

Now thats another problem, we don't understand. She says she does her hubby every morning before they go to work, but there again, she is trying to find women to do him, when she isn't around. I know he takes her to Detroit, to a club, where he and other husbands, watch their wives being taken by several well hung black men at a time. She has told me, that she has had over six guys at one time giving her attention, in any hole they can find, and that is the kind sex she wants, no one else, so that leaves me out.

[Tybee Swing 286]

big_ems said:

She has told me, that she has had over six guys at one time giving her attention, in any hole they can find, and that is the kind sex she wants, no one else, so that leaves me out.

 

EMS, they are not the only couple on earth. There are so many others. I get the feeling that this is the only couple you guys have really talked to so far, or have gotten close to thinking about getting involved with.

 

This couple sounds very hardcore (gangbang stuff, etc). In our experience, most couples in the lifestyle are not like this. Most are much more one-couple-at-a-time oriented. You just need a chance to get to know more people.

 

big_ems said:

In a sense, my wife is very new to this idea. I participated in swinging, with an old g/f 30 years ago, and had lots of fun doing it. Now that we both have gained some weight, we don't have the fun we had when we were smaller. Seems like our bellies get in the way now, lol. Most of the time, it turns out where we are on our backs, with our feet at each others head, and she jacks me off, and I finger her out. That's our sex life. She always complains about not being penetrated like when she was younger. (her ex husband, and ex boyfriend were 8+, and she misses the feeling) I bought her dildos, and a vibrator, but she says it isn't like the real thing. She also likes the feel of a man on her too. I looked into extensions, but nothing worked for me, I just don't get hard enough to keep it going with an extension, and that leads to more frustration. So, I guess I got started looking at different sites....

..... Since I couldn't provide my wife with enjoyable sex, I was looking for someone that could.

 

My heart goes out to you. It sounds like sexual problems and disappointment with your sex lives is what brought you to look into swinging....negative feelings brought you to this. Instead of looking to swinging as the solution, what if you just address the troubles?

 

(I'm speaking to you as somebody who has personally lost a lot of weight and sizes a few years ago; my husband did, too.) Losing the weight had a tremendous impact on our lives. We noticed the great difference in our sex life, for one thing. We lost the weight for ourselves and our health, but much improved sex was a great side effect. When a man's belly is out of his way, he can penetrate much deeper. Men who are fit can get and maintain much stronger erections, for health reasons. Both men and women who are fit (and are getting fit), working out regularly, have a LOT more stamina for good sex. Healthy diet and exercise (regularly practiced) have a terrific impact on energy, mood and self-esteem. It's a package deal - everything is better when you're fit.

 

What if you and your wife make this a project to do, together? Having a buddy in the process of making positive lifestyle changes is very helpful. Exercising together, making healthy meals together, it's all good for your relationship as well as your physical health.

 

Trust me....you're going to love yourselves and SEX a whole lot more. Swinging on YOUR terms, and your wife's terms, choosing the partners who are a good match in every way, will be in your reach. You will not feel like you have to "settle" for whack-jobs, and people who would leave you out.

 

These medical articles say that people who need to lose a good bit of weight are 25 times more likely to report problems in their sex lives compared with people of normal weight. https://www.webmd.com/sex/news/20041129/sexual-problems-common-among-obese-people#1

http://www.webmd.com/sex/news/20051027/weight-loss-may-help-your-sex-life

 

This article gives the specifics on how extra weight affects men sexually: https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/sex-and-weight#1

 

You've really opened up your frustrations and troubles to a bunch of strangers. I hope that you know this advice is being offered from my heart. I know first-hand the difference that this makes. Best wishes to you!

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

You don't even feel comfortable having sex with your wife but you want to have sex with others? I'm confused.

 

As to this particular couple, I'm still really bothered by them saying "they say they only want her, because she is new, and will open up more to them, if I am not around. " That is not for them to say, only for your wife to say.

 

However, at the same time from what you are saying about your sexual relationship with your wife, if they know what you've told us, I can see them not wanting to include you, the thought being if you can't satisfy your wife then what do you have to offer them?

 

To me it sounds like you need to work on YOU and not even worry about swinging at this point. If your only concern is having your wife be satisfied then it really doesn't matter if you are there or not, so that says to me that swinging for you is about more than just satisfying your wife, but what do you really hope to get out of it? Really?

 

I have to wonder if you are using your weight as an excuse not to have sex with your wife and swinging as an excuse to have sex with someone else... all under the guise of trying to please your wife. Something just doesn't ring "right" to me in all this.

[fun4Ds 1,098]

Big UMS, It appears you are new, or at least its safe to say your (Wife) is new to the lifestyle. From what information you are giving this possible couple. Maybe they are getting the idea that what they do is actually what you are wanting for your wife. It clearly appears that what they want now, is not what you are wanting.

 

I'm getting the hint that you are content on pursuing them because they are 1. close, 2. convenient, and 3. know what some of the things your after here. They are willing to meet your request their way. It is time to stand your ground, stick to your wife's needs, and pursue someone else.

 

That may be finding someone else that is a closer match to your needs. Birds of a feather flock together. This may be someone a little farther away, maybe the next city away.

 

The only advice I could offer is to give up on them and say NO Thanks maybe at a later time, a later time after you have met someone that you are both comfortable with. There are other new couples out there more compatible, that would be able to take things at your wife's pace.

 

It is obvious they are not going to change their wants or needs. And neither should you. It is just being called Non Compatible.

[sweet_tna 680]

Big ems, I have to say I'm very concerned for ya'll. Not just because you have this couple that wants to play only with your wife without you present, which is not what either of you want. But now you're telling us that you're not happy with your sex life. That's never a good reason to get into swinging.

 

It's sweet that you want your wife to be more satisfied, but shouldn't you work on trying to help her with that yourself first? I can totally sympathize with the difficulties concerning your size. Until about six months ago, Mr. Sweet weighed over 300 pounds, and I was getting uncomfortably close to 200 myself. We got to where doggy was about the only position I could feel penetration. It was sooooo frustrating! Then we decided for our health, and for our children (setting a good example) to really get our butts in gear and make the necessary lifestyle changes (no pun intended) to lose the weight.

 

My honey has lost almost 60 pounds, and I've lost 35. Not only do we look better and feel better, we can do so much more sexually--and of course, now we WANT to do more sexually, too.

 

I really hope ya'll are able to find a way to work these issues out so that you can be happy with each other. THEN you can worry about who else to bring in your bedroom.

[ty69pj 30]

ya this doesn't sound right to me. I would have already backed out. Me and my wife have a same room policy right now unless we know the other couple and there is no breaking that. If they don't like the comfort boundaries that you have in place then don't go there are plenty of experienced people out there that are comfortable with staying in established boundaries.

[JustAskJulie 2,595]

They're excuse is that since my wife is new to swinging, they should be able to coach her in that way, and that she might open up to them differently, than if I was there. In a way it makes sense, in a way it doesn't. Wife told me, even if she does consider swinging, we are doing it together.

 

I'm not seeing where that makes sense at all unless they are coaching her on how to be a single female.

 

She says she wants to be friends, and she is going to tell them that she doesn't want a sexual relationship, but rather just friends. If they act negative towards it, then she is going to drop all of it.

 

 

Just wondering what happened here. Did your wife talk to them/ turn them down? Has anything changed?